Sunday, December 14, 2008

Ten Thousand Goals

Every time the Buffalo Sabres score a goal it makes me happy. Whether the team is tied 0-0 in the 4th overtime of a playoff game against the New Jersey Devils or trailing the Ottawa Senators 5-to-1 late in the third period, I get a jolt of joy. Of course, the level of excitement varies, but I have never not been happy to see the Sabres score a goal.

Thomas Vanek scored a big goal Saturday night in the team's 4-2 win over New Jersey. Not only did he get Buffalo on the board but he registered the 10,000th marker in franchise history. Vanek would later put home #10,003 for insurance.

I was fortunate enough to work for the Sabres' television broadcast for the 2005-2006 season and spent many days trapped in a video vault with, at the time, every single one of the Sabres goals. Never has a Beta VCR and an 8-inch black and white television made one man so happy. I would pour over the footage like it was the Zapruder film and I was Oliver Stone.

I watched Pat Lafontaine rip shots by Jacques Cloutier, wearing his Robocop helmet. I'd grin as Wayne Presley slipped a short-handed, break-away marker past Andy Moog . I actually stood in a room by myself and pumped my fist watching Gilbert Pearrault complete the first hat trick in franchise history, putting the puck into the Golden Seals' empty net. If I were born 6 years earlier and in California at the time, I would have thrown my hat onto the ice.

For me, no goal will ever top what Sabre fans have affectionately come to know as "May Day". Brad May ended 10 years of playoff pain and completed the sweep of the hated Boston Bruins. I was holding my 6-month old sleeping niece Christina at the time of the goal and screamed so loud she may now be in therapy. I have friends who were in a traffic jam on the Rainbow bridge, listening on their radio when May beat Moog. I'm told people just got out of their cars and went around high-fiving complete strangers in celebration. High-fives are uncomfortable and lame, except when Brad May just eliminated the Boston Bruins.

I would say that no Sabre goal-scoring season would ever top Alexander Mogilny's 1992-93 campaign in which he netted 76, but it looks like Thomas Vanek could have something to say about that. Vanek has to score goals on Michelin men, so I wouldn't bank on 76, but his pace is incredible.

I love goals. I can't wait for Nathan Gerbe's 'first', Tim Connolly's 'next' and every single 'playoff' goal of 2009.

So thanks to the Sabres for 10,003 happy moments. I can't think of an organization, outside of the ones who make peanut butter, who have contributed to so much jubilation.

Monday, December 1, 2008

The Ten Worst Things I Have Ever Seen

These Are The Ten Worst Things I Have Ever Seen.

10. I once watched a dog fall into a giant bees nest and get stung dozens of times before we could sweep the bees off of his back and face.

9. My brother Jim used to pick his nose and then dip his finger into my cereal. I still have trouble eating cereal with people in the room.

8. When I was 8, my friend Shawn accidentally swore in front of his mother and I watched her hit him so hard he fell off of his chair and got a concussion.

7. My wife found a litter of wild orphan rabbits in the yard and tried to raise them herself. She was able feed them formula with a doll's baby bottle for awhile, but they didn't get their mother's milk long enough. After 3 weeks, one-by-one, the baby rabbits would shake violently and then die. I'll never forget watching my wife cry as she struggled over the thought of putting the poor animals out of their misery.

6. The Dallas Stars skating around with the Stanley Cup in the HSBC Arena.

5. When I was 9, my brother Donny rented the entire 'Faces of Death' video series. It contains hours of footage of people and animals dying in horrible ways. I still have nightmares from the video of a man who accidentally parachuted into an alligator farm and was mauled to death.

4. The Movie "Failure to Launch".

3. My dad, sitting in his van and laughing at me as an elderly woman in our neighborhood who wasn't all there chased me around shrieking, "My son! Come back to me my son!" My dad did eventually come out of the van and grab me before she pulled me into her house.

2. When I was 11, my friend was accidentally shot in the head with a Flare gun in my living room and I watched him almost bleed to death. Our living room rug caught fire. There was a river of blood on the kitchen floor as he screamed, "I'm gonna die!" He lived, but the images from that night will haunt me forever.

1. Sunday's Bills game.

Friday, November 28, 2008


About 15 years ago, I was at a family picnic shooting hoops with a distant relative that I didn't really know. For some reason I felt like lying so, when he asked me what my name is, I said, "My name is Greg...but my left leg is a little longer than my right my friends call my stretch."It was just a horrible random lie that I didn't even plan on telling.

I think my brain called an audible in an attempt to seem interesting.Well, the guy was nice enough to call me "stretch" throughout our grueling game of HORSE and I felt cool for 15 minutes. Then, as my brother walked over, I started to panic over the idea of this complete stranger calling me "stretch" in front of him and uncovering my lie. So, right before Mike got there I said, "Don't call me stretch!" in kind of an angry, frantic tone.

Needless to say, we didn't stay in touch.

That 15 minutes was the closest I've ever come to having a nickname. They're not the kind of thing you can just give yourself and still be a respectable member of society.

I have rejected a couple of nicknames people tried to give me throughout my life:
- Purple (when this kid punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me)
- Gimpy
- Red
- Mr. Marvelous

And, if someone out there wants to initiate, I've always been partial to these for nicknames:
- Captain Pain Bringer
- Ebsen Flows
- Poseidon

Just keeping you informed.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

NFL Firsts

Although over 60% of the gambling community would beg to differ, the NFL had a first this past Sunday. After an apparent Troy Polamalu defensive touchdown was disallowed, the scoreboard in Pittsburgh showed that the Steelers squeezed past San Diego by a point. It was the first 11-to-10 final in league history.

That's amazing.

Going all the way back to October 3rd, 1920, when the Dayton Triangles beat the Columbus Panhandles 14-to-0, there hasn't been a single game with the final score 11-to-10. I find that hard to believe considering all of these Ravens/ Titans games of this decade.

In a world where Vikings QB Brad Johnson can throw a touchdown pass to Vikings QB Brad Johnson, a game never ended 11-to-10?

In a world where the Bills and 49ers can play a game without a punt, a game has never ended 11-to-10?

In a world where a Bucaneer Front Office can get together and say, "Hey! These white and orange jerseys are a great idea!", a game has never ended 11-to-10?

In a world where fill-up stations can somehow add 9/10th of a cent per gallon to the price of gas and no one asks questions, a game has never ended 11-to-10?

It made me wonder about what other surprising "firsts" could be coming to the NFL in the next couple of weeks.
- There has never been a 2-0 football game. The lowest score occurred when the Jets beat Washington 3-0 in 1993.
- There has never been a game that ended 73-to-41. The highest ever score was recorded in 1966 when the Redskins beat Dallas 72-to-41.
- There has never been an NFL game played on January 1st.
- The Bills have never won a Superbowl.

That's about it. Everything else has happened.

Monday, November 17, 2008


If you're going to betray your people for money and befriend one of the most ruthless leaders in World History, you deserve to be outdone by your own ignorance.

Take Benny.

He successfully masquerades as a taxi cab driver and infiltrates the rebels, gaining Douglas Quaid's trust. He leads the dictator's army directly to the Rebel leader, who they assassinate.

Then Benny corners Douglas Quaid, the Rebel army's last chance to save Mars, and what does he do? He attacks him with a slow moving, drill-equipped construction truck.

Not a gun; A big truck with a drill on the front.

I realize the opportunity to yell, "I'm gonna drill you sucka!" must have been too tasty to pass up, but he could have just shot Quaid in the leg, and then drilled him to the wall.

Of course, Quaid side-stepped the drill, grabbed his own manual drill to kill Benny, and went on to save Mars by giving the planet atmosphere. Benny actually managed to save Quaid time by drilling a hole in the cave wall that led directly to the atmosphere on/off switch.

Be better than that, Benny.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Presidential Fantasy Draft

Mike Schopp and the Bulldog decided there was no better way to celebrate Election Day than by holding a Presidents of the United States of America Fantasy Draft.

Mike, Bulldog, Andrew Fillipponi and Greg Bauch drafted past and present American Leaders. Feel free to determine a winner via email.
(The Overall pick is in parentheses)

Greg Bauch
1. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1) "If there were a President Fantasy Draft Magazine, he's on the cover."
2. Woodrow Wilson (8)
3. John Tyler (9) "Brought in Florida and Texas to the U.S. Where would College Football be without him?"
4. John Adams (16)
5. Grover Cleveland's 1st Term (17)
6. Bill Clinton (24)
7. Calvin Coolidge (25)
8. Warren G. Harding (32)
9. Obama (33)
10. Andrew Johnson (40) "He was to Abe Lincoln like Michael Turner was to LaDanian Tomlinson."
11. Franklin Pierce (41)

Mike Schopp
1. Abe Lincoln (2) "There's only one Abraham Lincoln. I have a jersey that says, "Abe 01."
2. John F. Kennedy (7) "He's the 'Antonio Gates' of this draft."
3. Ronald Reagan (10)
4. James Madison (15)
5. Richard Nixon (18)
6. Ulysses Grant (23) "Great beard."
7. James Garfield (26)
8. Rutherford B. Hayes (31)
9. George W. Bush (34) "Chemistry pick"
10. Herbert Hoover (39)
11. William Henry Harrison (42)

Andrew Fillipponi
1. George Washington (3) Bulldog says, "I think (Washington) was overated. I think his line was so good, anyone could have succeeded."
2. Teddy Roosevelt (6)
3. Harry Truman (11)
4. James Polk (14)
5. Andrew Jackson (19) "Polk was 'Young Hickory'. Jackson was 'Old Hickory'. I have the 'Hickory Monopoly."
6. Lyndon B. Johnson (22)
7. William Taft (27)
8. William McKinley (30) Andrew- "He was 2-and-0 in wars. He was unbeaten."
9. Gerald Ford (35)
10. Martin Van Buren (38)
11. George H. W. Bush (43) (the Father, not the son.)

The Bulldog
1. Thomas Jefferson (4)
2. Dwight Eisenhower (5) "from the 50's to the 60's, it was Happy Days."
3. James Monroe (12) Bulldog- "He's got a Doctrine!" Mike- "That's like having 3,000 hits!"
4. Millard Fillmore (13)
5. Grover Cleveland's 2nd term (20)
6. John Quincy Adams (21)
7. Zachary Taylor (28)
8. Jimmy Carter (29)
9. Benjamin Harrison (36) "I feel sorry for him because he's sandwiched in between the Cleveland terms."
10. Chester A. Arthur (37)
11. James Buchanan (44)

Who is the winner? You decide America.
Listen to the entire draft at

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Evil Baby

We were watching a Lifetime movie last night about an evil baby. When I saw it, I had to admit, "that baby looks a little evil."

It got me thinking, if a movie company was making a movie about an evil baby, then they must have put out a casting call for evil-looking babies.

What kind of parents answer that ad? "You know honey, I always thought out baby looked a little evil. Everytime I look at her, I feel like she's stealing little pieces of my soul. Let's go to Hollywood."

And how does the career of this 'evil baby' turn out? She'll probably be type casted for the rest of her life.
-"I'm sorry, we were looking for a mildly irrated baby. Your baby is just evil. Please leave."

(adult years)
- "Okay, for this movie, we're looking for a strong woman who is trampled on her whole life but then rises above her abusive husband and father to start a small business. What other work have you done in your career?"

- "I was an evil baby.

"I'm just saying, think before your put your baby in that situation.

The evil baby movie was a little too we switched over to 'Garfield 2- Tale of Two Kitties"
Those fucking English cats think they're so fucking perfect.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Another 'Yahoo Answers' Blog

It's been too long. Here's another 'Yahoo Answers' blog.
I take real questions off of Yahoo Answers and offer advice.
Feel free to add your own.

from Midnight Cinderella:
Q. - I just got a female bunny today and i need a cute name (PLEASE BE CREATIVE)?
she looks like the velveteen rabbit she loves to cuddle and be held like a baby and have her tummy rubbed

A. - Dear Midnight Cinderella, How about "Captain Cuddle Time"?

from whoa_its:
Q. - Who wants an outift!? ill make and out fit for who ever providfes the best and most interesting information i dont care uf you first or last you have til 5 15 eastern timedont forget you email address =]

A. - Dear whoa_its, I would like an outfit.
I'm a scorpio.

from danielle
Q. I dont know whats going on with thia boy.(a guys point of view would be niiice)?
is he just a jerk? i first meet him through my bestfriend.and we talked non-stop always texting he called me all the time always wanted me to sleep over and we even talked about dating but wanted to get to know each better and hang out then one day out of no where he asked if we could just be friends i asked him what had changed his mind he said it was him and that he was just still really hurt from his ex girlfriend.then the next day he asked if it was ok if he could date my bestfriend.(she knew i liked him) but apparently she liked him before me.(i wish she would have told me before hand) but those two only talk in school(we go to different schools.) or on aim but we still text all the time and he calls me everyday always tells me goodnight and i cant help but still like him.i guess were just good friends but if i could have your opinions that would be great=].

A. Dear Danielle, It's hard to answer without more information. maybe you could tell me a little more about the situation. thanks

from Joy S.
Q. - Wut do u do wen u really like someone but you're friend still likes the person even though they broke up wit he/she and the person you like likes you back but he cant like you cause his/her best friend likes you

A. Dear Joy S., I would use a spell checker. See if that works.

from la di da di da
Q. - What should you be doing right now?

A. Dear la di da di da, Posting Yahoo Answers.

from Andria
Q. - How do u get tested for ADHD?

A. Dear Andria, Wanna go ride bikes?

from Kayla
Q.- there is a rumor that i like this kid!! but i dont!! This kid likes me though, cuz he always says nice things and always wants to be my partener in science class. plz help! im sick of that rumor!!!

A. Dear Kayla, you're the one who started the rumor. Whore.

from Winnie
Q. - Cheese doodlessss??????????
do you like the puff ones or the crunchy ones? i say puff all the way!

A. Dear Winnie, I'm with you. Puff all the way!

from English
Q. - Is this the HOTTEST guy ever? Careful hot photo!?
Well is it?

A.- Dear English, Yes, that IS the hottest guy ever.

from Kyle
Q. - How many 16 year old kid died in a car crash in 07?

A. - Dear Kyle, I haven't finished counting yet.

Hope these answers helped.

Extreme Walking

This is an article I wrote when I was 8 years old. I figured I'd post it here.


I was making a list of all the cool things about Extreme Walking and I came to the conclusion that Walking is awesome. A couple of my friends don't like going for Extreme walks. That's fine. They're still my friends, but they have giant holes in their throat where I have stabbed them with a rolled up copy of 'Extreme Walker's Monthly'.

When deciding whether or not to go for more Extreme walks, ask yourself this question, "Do I breathe?" If the answer is "yes", get the F off this page go for a walk. It's extreme.

The best thing about Extreme walking is how crazy it is. You totally go at your own pace. You can stroll by at 3 miles an hour and just watch losers gawk at how casual you can be or you can crank shit up and walk every fucker you see into the ground with extreme prejudice.

People are always asking me, "Greg, what's the difference between Extreme walking and normal walking?" I answer them by ripping out their souls with a little Extreme walk step I like to call 'The Soul Ripper'. And then they go to the Cops to complain but what the fuck are the cops gonna do? "I just stole your soul, fucker!"

Let's get one thing straight…Extreme walking is not for everyone. Some people are lucky enough to have the chops. Some people are useless wastes of working organs that should go find a tree to sit under and wait to die. I was born to Extreme walk. I walked out of my mother….and I haven't looked back since.

Do you know that walking is the number one cause of death in America? More people are killed on walks than by Tiger, Shark and Bear attacks combined. That's because they're all useless crybaby animals who can't even walk on their hind legs. Have you ever seen a Bear try to walk? It's pathetic. That's why whenever I see a bear I punch it in the face.

So go for an Extreme walk if you dare. Or do something slightly less dangerous like licking land mines. Fuck the government for not funding more bike paths.

Evolution is a moron

I was watching Sunrise Earth this morning while eating my Nut and Honey.(thank god for honey...otherwise that sentence would be weird)

They were showing a bunch of butterflies (which contain zero butter, by the way) and one of the butterflies was called an owl butterfly. It had these really cool wings with about 6 or 7 yellow and black circles on them. The circles looked just like owl eyes. These would be a great defense against small animal predators because the small animals would see the wings and think it was looking at a mean old owl.

That would be a great concept if owls had 6 or 7 eyes.

Nice try evolution. Owls have 2 eyes...not 6 or 7. How many butterflies have to die before you learn how many eyes owls have? This little problem should only take you a couple trillion years to fix.

Evolution is such a lazy dumbass. Never mind the ticking time-bomb called an appendix I have hanging around my insides, how about some Webbed feet?

My separate toes do nothing for me? Why do I have to swim so slow with these stupid separated toes? I thought evolution was supposed to fix this shit.

Why do we have to put shoes on horses, evolution? Why do dogs need sweaters? Aren't you giving them enough fur? How come my brother needed braces? I keep watching antelope getting caught from behind by cheetahs. You gave the cheetahs super-booster thighs....what do you have against the antelopes? You antelope racist.

I can't wait until all of the antelopes are gone and some nut-job preservationist is blaming Man.

It's your fault evolution. Step it up.

And when are trees going to learn to run away from fire and lumberjacks? No problem evolution. I'll learn to hold my breath for an eternity. Who needs oxygen. Fucking retard.

How about some telepathy evolution? Do you know how much phones cost?Ever been to Canada, evolution? It's like 17 bucks to make a phone call. Every time I get shot, bullets rip through my skin. Nice skin evolution. Bullets were invented, like, 300 years ago...and my skin is still not bulletproof.

And where are the flying cars evolution? Where the fuck are the flying cars?

You're a piece of shit process.

An Open Letter to the guy who was driving too slow and then sped up after I tried to pass him

Hey there, 'guy who was driving too slow and then sped up after I tried to pass him'. How's it going?

I couldn't help but notice how you sped up after I changed lanes and tried to pass you. I hope you didn't take my trying to pass you personally. I just felt like driving a little faster.

The thing is GWWDTSATSUAITTPH, you weren't even really driving that slow. You were trolling along at, about, 38 MPH in a 45 MPH zone. You were probably looking for an address or a place to stop and eat. You could have been trying to sneeze. It's not important. The important thing is to know that we weren't actually racing. We were just two guys driving our cars. One was focused on a destination, one was just cruising along.

It probably scared the shit out of you how I just jumped into that other lane like that. The only warning I gave was a turn signal. Who can blame you for reving your engine and accelerating forward like that? I feel responsible. Maybe you were being playful. Maybe, that was your way of having some fun. Maybe I was suppossed to speed up too.

I feel so stupid. I feel like I missed out on a chance for a little adventure on my way to work. Fuck!, 'guy who was driving too slow and then sped up after I tried to pass him', why didn't you give me a thumbs up or something? Why didn't you let me know what was going on? We could have had ourselves a moment.

Also, GWWDTSATSUAITTPH, your bumper sticker was hilarious. It took me awhile to figure it out, but let's just say we're both clear that you're pretty fond of the opposite sex. Good luck with that.

I hope this letter helps 'guy who was driving too slow and then sped up as I tried to pass him'. I hope we understand each other a little better. Next time, I'll just stay behind you and take my time getting to work. I'm truly sorry.

Have a bitchin' summer Guy.

Greg Bauch

Human Communication

I took a course in College called 'Human Communication'.

The general discussion was, "Proper English and Grammar are bullshit. If people understand what you're saying...then you're communicating."I loved this course because I knew how bad it would piss off all of my former Nun/ English teachers. It was my first real taste of coloring outside the lines.

The professor would tell poop jokes..and then tell us how poop jokes aren't funny in Africa...but dirty sex jokes are hilarious there. He wrote the word "ain't" on a test. I got a 'B'. It was the first and last 'B' I would get in College.

That's the nice thing about College. No one ever asks what your grades are, they only ask you to take your hand of their leg. (whores)

Whenever I type an email or something, I always think of this class because of the Caps lock button.
The Caps lock button IS MY FAVORITE BUTTON EVER!
That's because the meaning of what you are typing can be dramatically changed just by accidentally locking down the caps.

I love alcohol...which is fine, but I LOVE ALCOHOL. Do you have any doubt over my love for alcohol now?

Quick email to your buddy:
-Wanna go for a drink after work?
Short. To the point. Good email.

Now, that same email with an accidental Cap-Lock on:
All of the sudden he's picturing you sweaty, desperate and shaking.

Just to further my point, I dug through some of my old emails and cut an pasted one that I sent to my wife when we were first dating.

"...Dear Tracy, I want to try anal. Love, Greg."

Now, watch how much the meaning changes when I re-type that email with the Caps-Lock on.


She would have left me had that happened.
It's important to keep the Caps-lock off when typing.

Open Letter To Nutty Bars

Hello Nutty Bars, I couldn’t help but notice how you showed up in the vending machine at work today. It’s really nice to see you again. It has been a long time.

Now, if I remember correctly Nutty Bars, you’re absolutely delicious. A lot of snacks have chocolate and peanut butter, but I feel like your Ace in the hole is the wafers. The wafers are awesome. It’s like, "Hey other snacks! Go fuck yourself! I’m made of light, wafery goodness."

I also love this, Nutty Bars. I’m all done eating your chocolate and peanut butter wafers of heaven and I’m like, "That ruled! I couldn’t possibly ask for more out of life....HOLY SHIT I STILL HAVE ANOTHER NUTTY BAR LEFT!!!!!"
It’s twice as much fun eating a Nutty Bars. You’re like a sequel that doesn’t suck. You’re like ’Short Circuit 2’.

Here’s the problem. My wife would be mad at me if I ate you, Nutty Bars. You contain about 24 grams of fat per bar. My cholesetrol is really high right now so this bitch has me running in the morning and eating things that end in "rocoli". She’s a prick, Nutty Bars. You would hate her.

I hadn’t even considered eating you again until you showed up in that vending machine this morning. It’s like the guy who stocks the machine is a pimp, and you’re just a dime out for a trick. Well, I love tricks, Nutty Bars. I know this great trick where I rip your wrapper off and try to eat you before your chocolate melts on my fingers.

You’re a fucking whore, Nutty Bars! You’re a delicious, wafery, double ended, 75 cent whore and I love you. I want to press 12 of you into a jar and jam my fist into it until you’re just this massive wad of paradise. I’m gonna cheat on my wife with you nutty bars. I almost want her to find out. I want her to walk into the room and find me with my head jammed into a jar full of 12 mushed up Nutty Bars. I want her to see what you do to me. I want her to know what I really need.

You’re the best Nutty Bars. Now, I just need change for a 5.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Ants Are Stupid

know what you guys are thinking, "Another Ant blog??!"

I know, I know...this is the last one. I promise.

I was setting up ant traps in one of the rooms in my house today and it got me to thinking about ants. (Normally, I only think about them when I beat off.)

In some ways, ants are amazing.
These ants can smell a grain of sugar from 3 million miles away. I tested this theory by placing some sugar on Neptune.
Ants lift 100 times their own body weight..which would be way more impressive if they weighed more than .00001 Lbs.
They have an exo-skeleton. How bad-ass would it be to have your skeleton on the outside of your body? You wouldn't even need X-rays!
They have segmented bodies and I don't have anything clever to say about segmented bodies.

Ants are pretty stupid though. You can kill a whole colony of them with an ant trap. How would you like to be the pathetic worker drone ant that brings the poison back to the Queen to eat?:

Worker Ant- (bowing)- "Hey, your eminence. I brought something delicious for you to eat.. I hope you like it, your Highness."

Queen Ant- (frowning)- "Dude! Is that Poison?"

Worker Ant- "I don't think so. It smells really good. I got this from a really cool hotel looking thing. The food was just sitting inside."

Queen- "What do you mean 'Hotel'? Was it a giant man-sized Hotel? Because they don't build Hotels for Ants."

Worker Ant- "I don't know. It was just sitting in the corner under a computer desk. That huge dude was playing Civilization IV again. He's a fucking dork."

Queen- "Why is it blue."

Worker Ant- "I don't's blue food."

Queen- "Alright, I'll eat it. My 4,000 kids are starving and their Dad died and was carried off by one of those sick fuck ants who carry around dead ants. But if its poison, I'm gonna get one of my warrior ants to eat the sides of your face off with those cool claw teeth."

Worker Ant- "Laters."

That's just a look into the lives of Ants. Hope you enjoyed.

My New Career

I was watching the movie 'Million Dollar Baby' last night, and I thought of a great new career. And, no, it wasn't 'female boxer' or 'neck surgery specialist'.

I hit the info button on my remote because I'm a psycho...and, if there are buttons in front of me, I can't go more than 15 seconds without pressing one.

The info on the movie 'Million Dollar Baby' read like this:
"A hardened manager works with a determined woman in her attempt to establish herself as a boxer."

That really doesn't do this movie justice. And, quite frankly, if I had read that without knowing anything about the movie, I wouldn't bother to watch it. Sorry about using the phrase 'quite frankly'. Apparently, I'm a d-bag.

Anyway, someone needs to write better movie info descriptions and I'm the man for the job. I would single-handedly boost ratings by 300%. I would get anyone to watch any movie. If I was in charge, when you hit the info button during 'Million Dollar Baby', if would say this:
"Clint Eastwood buys Hillary Swank a robe and then kills her.

"Who the fuck isn't watching that movie???!!! And it's completely factual. It just doesn't tell the entire story. I could do this for any movie.

Rocky"Mildly retarded boxer takes Adrian's virginity.

"It's a Wonderful Life"Jimmy Stewart contemplates jumping off a bridge.

"Lake Placid"Betty White uses the 'F' word."

Other descriptions for these movies would be a waste of time. What would make you want to see the movie 'Platoon'?:

"Soldier arrives in South Vietnam with several other replacements and is assigned to the 25th Infantry Division."


"A guy stabs himself in the leg so he can get on a helicopter."

The choice is yours.The only bad part about this discovery is, I can't stop writing movie info bullets. (I'm calling them 'bullets' now)

Entrapment"Catherine Zeta Jones crawling around in tight pants for a scene."

Glory"Mathew Broderick tries to grow a beard."

Big"Tom Hanks watches the Broncos/Giants Superbowl without commercials.

"Hoosiers"Gene Hackman and Barbara Hershey pull off the most uncomfortable kiss in cinema history.

"Rounders"John Malcovich eats Oreos without milk…or any other beverage."

Feel free to add some of your own. I have the feeling I'll be checking back later to do more.

Secrets of the Universe

I finished my dinner yesterday and I really wanted to drink a beer.

That's the great thing about being employed. If you're smart enough to go to the store at some time during the week, there will be beer in the fridge for when you get one of those hand shaking "If I don't get a beer in me, I'm going to stab someone" moments.

I realized something. Beer doesn't taste good.

Many people already know this. Some of you read that sentence and said to yourself,"You know, beer does taste awful....I must be completely addicted to alcohol."

Don't get me wrong. I love beer like my mother loved her other children. I'll just never confuse beer for a tasty beverage.I've heard some arguments that beer is actually a great tasting drink. That, "It tastes good when you're older and have a more sophisticated pallet....kind of like broccoli."

Well, broccoli doesn't taste good either. Your mind just realizes that the hoagies and beer you've been shoveling into your face for the last 30 years are going to give you prostate cancer. So, your mind tells your taste buds that, "This broccoli shit is amazing.""Well Greg", you argue. "How come I don't like candy as much as I did when I was younger? Isn't that proof that my pallet got more sophisticated?"

"No", I answer. Candy is still delicious. Your mind is just telling you, "Hey buddy, your skin turns into a topography map of Asia when you eat this shit. Try cutting back on the Caromelos."

"Who the fuck are you?!", you're probably screaming at me right now. "Why the fuck do you have to talk down to me like you've just figured out the meaning of life or something! Why don't you jam an umbrella down your throat and open it.

"Well, that's a valid point. I'm not trying to prove anything. I'm just saying I realize that beer doesn't taste good. I'll even prove it. Everyone knows that babies never lie. They don't know how to lie. So, I'll take a baby and keep feeding it beer. The baby will keep trying to crawl away from the beer because it tastes like asshair. But I'll keep grabbing the baby and pouring beer into it's face.

Eventually, it will get addicted to alcohol and drink it freely.

I love science.

And don't even get me started on Hard Alcohol.
If you try to tell me that Whiskey taste good I'm gonna get angry. It's like drinking Windex. Shots are so bad, you never drink one sober. You have to be completely hammered at a bar and some dude you just met thinks it's a social thing to feed people embalming fluid....and then treats you like a pussy when you tell him 'no' because you have to drive home soon. Don't you love that guy?

Me: "Hey I'd rather not put more alcohol into my blood because I don't want to fall asleep behind the wheel and ram my Hyundai into a Mother of 3 who happens to be night jogging.
That Guy: "Pussy!"

Liquor does not taste good. Don't make me get that baby addicted to Whiskey too!

This blog has no point. I'm not trying to convince you of anything...or to stop drinking. I guess I was just trying to figure out why I now like the taste of carrots and they used to make me dry heave.

Stay in School.

Me Vs. Mosquitoes

The wet summer weather has brought about a scourge of mosquitoes to Wheatfield. It's like the mosquitoes are paparazzi and I just kidnapped Brad and Angelina's twins.

It's so bad; people actually demanded that the town do an aerial spraying. We were the only people who didn't see the notice in our mailbox that you were supposed to stay inside and close the windows on the night of the spraying, so we sat outside and wondered why that plane was flying so low over the neighborhood.

The spraying didn't work. These fucking things are like little blood whores who can't get enough. Normally, I would crave this sort of attention, but it's too much. The mosquitoes must die.

I hate mosquitoes. I know of several people who can just ignore a small winged animal stealing their blood, but I take each sting like a personal attack. I want to find out where the mosquitoes live and burn down their village.

I would like to think the world would be a better place without mosquitoes, but I remember hearing that they're vital to the eco system. When I was a kid, I asked my mom if we really needed mosquitoes. And my mom said, "Not now honey, Mommy's taking a nap." And I said, "Mom, shouldn't you keep your eyes on the road." My mom was right though. We don't need mosquitoes.

Scientists are always saying that God created mosquitoes for a reason. Well, I would ask those scientists why God created nuclear bombs. Did God intend for those nuclear bombs to go off? Are those nuclear bombs making the world a better place? The answer is, sometimes god fucks up. Or, God is challenging us to keep the shit that we need on this earth and to gas the other stuff until it dies. It's like a divine scavenger hunt.

And, to all of you fucking seal-hugging hippes who think that killing mosquitoes is wrong, how do you know that they're good mosquitoes? How do you know that the mosquitoes I plan to kill didn't just date-rape a bunch of friendly mosquitoes? What if all of the mosquitoes I'm killing are angry, mean, pedophile drunks who kill good mosquitoes who just fell in love on vacation. I don't read a lot of Shakespeare, but I think he wrote a play about this. And the message was clear; Kill mosquitoes.

So the government can do all it wants to stop me from killing mosquitoes, but it can't stop winter from coming. I cannot wait until October. I'm going to sit in my backyard with a sweatshirt on and a beer in my hand and wait for the temperature to dip below 40 degrees. Then I'm going to cackle laughter as all of the mosquitoes die in one big genocidal swoop.

Then my wife is going to leave me because I drink too much and the neighbors keep calling the cops because I yell at cars.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Vacation Recap

So, I'm sitting in the Dominican Republic Airport, waiting to fly back home after a week of eating, drinking and bastardizing the Spanish language, when the strangest thing happened.With headphones in my ears, I looked up from my book and watched a man from airport security walk up to me from, at least, 200 feet away, past about 40 standing people, past a row of people seated in front of me, to ask me a question.

I took off my headphones to see what he wanted. He asked, "Can I borrow your pen?"I asked my wife, "Do we have a pen?"My wife then retrieved a pen out of her purse and handed it to then security guy. He turned to me and said, "Thank you so much." and then walked away.

A number of questions sprang to my mind:
- Doesn't this airport have any pens?
- Why did he thank me and not my wife?
- Why did he clearly walk past 50 potential pen holders to get to a guy wearing headphones?
- Does he know about the bottles of whiskey in my suitcase?
- Did he need my fingerrpints for a crime investigation?
- Am I going to a Dominican Prison????!!!!!!

I did not end up in a Dominican prison. The guy never came back to bother me or even return the pen and I will spend the rest of my life wondering why he chose to walk past 50 people to steal my Bic.

Anyway, the Dominican Republic was great. Here is a list of highlights:
- We arrived and had our luggage ripped from our hands and placed into 2 separate Minivans. Men who didn't speak English then put 3 of our friends in one van, which drove away, and then abandoned the van the other 3 of us sat in, leaving us to wonder if our families would pay the ransom.About 5 minutes later a friendly man came back to the taxi and procceded to take years off of my life by driving 70 miles an hour in the wrong lane dodging motorcycles, oxen and begging children.If Six Flags ever wants a new ride they should cancel plans for a rollercoaster and install a virtual "Dominican Taxi Ride". There are no rules for Dominican motorists. They're insane. We were told, in all seriousness, that every Sunday is "Drinking and Driving day".

- You immediately feel at home when you drive by a beautiful beach being patrolled by a dozen men wearing raincoats carrying assault rifles on their shoulder.

- If you're at dinner after consuming a heroic amount of alcohol and your wife remarks that her seafood burrito smells funny, think for a minute before you take her plate and hand her yours and then consume a fishy smelling Dominican nightmare. I spent 2 days of my vacation in a bathroom, 7 feet from paradise, wishing I was dead. I lied there repeating,"El piso del bano esta frio." (The bathroom floor is cold.)

- Watching Spain beat Germany in the Euro Championship of Soccer with Spanish play-by-play while drinking a deliscious "El Presidente" beer was a vacation highlight.

- If you ever stay at the Crown Villa resort in Villa E-24, don't walk around in the bushes. We broke about 5 glasses and a couple of bottles and basically just pushed all of the broken glass into the bushes.

- If you're looking to buy sunglasses at a little shop and a Dominican man says "Look around. No pressure.", and then grabs the sunglasses you just tried on and rips the price tag off of them and then tries to jam them into your pocket and says, "500 pesos!"........there's pressure......there's a little pressure there.

- In case you've ever wondered what Dominican pool side entertainment consists of, I'll tell you. Grown men dressed up as Super-heroes thrusting their pelvis in and out to the beat of Techo-Dance music while a Dominican D.J. keeps repeating, "Teesh-Teesh-Teesh-Teesh- Spiderman- Spiderman- Teesh-Teesh-Teesh-Teesh- Party Time- Party Time- Teesh- Teesh - Teesh- Teesh- Where is Mary Jane? Where is Mary Jane?- Teesh-Teesh-Teesh-Teesh."While a small man dressed as Spiderman hangs, suspended from his feet, waiting for a female tourist to come up and kiss him like the scene in the movie.It's a little strange.