Sunday, March 22, 2009


When I was a kid, I was afraid of ghosts. My dad was always in the basement fixing televisions proving that he was not afraid of the ghosts down there. So, I assumed that people out-grew their fear of ghosts.

That is not the case. I am still afraid of ghosts. When I’m alone in the house, I throw wrenches at the closet. When the phone rings, I answer it crying. I can’t go to the beach because of the beach ghosts.

My dad is so lucky. He did not grow up in a time of advanced special effects from the cinematic industry. His imagination couldn’t create the kind of demonic, messed-up bullshit that my mind can create. My dad probably doesn’t know about the demons that rape families.

I tried to make my own ghost-busting backpack but the fucking government is all over my ass about the proton acceleration. So, I’m suing them.

How come ghosts only hang out in basements and creepy abandoned places? If you had the power to go anywhere you wanted, wouldn't you haunt Dave and Busters? It shows how fucking stupid ghosts are. Sometimes I change the channel when something interesting is on television, just in case there's a ghost in the room who was trying to watch over my shoulder. They hate that.

In the movies, ghosts always get people who are showering or making love, so I’ve decided to stop doing both. I’d love to see those fuckers’ faces while I sit here all smelly and celibate.
And if you’re a hot chic sent by the ghosts to make love to me in the shower, forget it. I’m not falling for it.

So, it's on, ghosts! You fuckers have hung out in my basement making noises long enough. Stop making the microwave clock run slow and I'll stop hanging around getting drunk on Sundays and writing about how much I hate you.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

After the Final Rose Blog

(Warning! Parts of this blog are so emotional and so dramatic that we've decided to present it without a live studio audience to make things as intimate as possible.)

Last night, Jason Mesnick 'The Bachelor', completed his quest to find the one true love of his life and the mother that would help him raise his three-year old son. It was the most dramatic season finale in 'Bachelor' long as 'dramatic' now means 'contrived' and 'shallow'.

For those of you who didn't watch 'The Bachelor' Monday night, here is what happened:

- Jason had to choose between Melissa and Molly.
- Jason chose Melissa, the former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.
- After the show, on the traditional follow-up episode where they check on the happy couple, Jason dumped Melissa and went back to Molly.

What a fairy tale ending.

It was a pretty intense episode. They filmed the finale in New Zealand. It's a good idea, when deciding who you're going to spend the rest of your life with, to do it in a gorgeous vacation destination. I could just picture the happy couple 6 months after the show is over. They're at Block Buster trying to decide between 'Sister Act 2' and 'The Abyss' and she's all like, "The idea of living with you was a lot better when a network limo driver used to shuttle us around between Helicopter rides over the Grand Canyon and Hot Tub fantasy dates."

Jason introduced both girls to his son, Ty. He then brought both girls to meet his family. This witch named Deanna, 'The Bachlorette from two seasons ago who dumped Jason, comes back to get a couple more minutes on camera. She offered Jason a quickie. He declined. After that, Jason had one more chance to dry-hump each contestant before making his "final" decision.

I love the fact that, for the entire season, Jason preached on and on about how important it was for the girl he chose to be right for his son. Ty is the most important thing in his life and he can't be with a girl unless she clicked with him. So, he takes Ty to the beach and let's each girl spend an hour throwing Ty a frisbee. That seems like a solid gauge on how she'll treat Ty for the next 40 years, "Throw Ty a frisbee...Oh She's perfect!"

The moments after Jason proposed to Melissa were excruciatingly awkward to watch. Some dude in a headset pushes the 3-year old onto the set so we can see the dramatic moment of little Ty sharing the happiness with his Dad and Dad's new bride-to-be. Ty goes running up to give his dad a hug and Melissa, thrilled that she won the game-show, tries to grab the kid to hug him. Ty went flying past her like she was a complete stranger. I'm guessing it's because she was a complete stranger.

At least 4 times in the final 3 minutes they show Melissa trying to hug this clueless 3-year old who wants nothing to do with her and will have to spend the next 18-years in therapy because his dad wanted to be on T.V. again.

The 'After the Rose' show begins immediately after the season finale of 'The Bachelor'. Normally, they just interview the couple in front of a live audience to see how their relationship is developing.

Chris, the host of the show, announces that there will be no live audience because of how "dramatic" the events to follow will be. Jason comes out for a short one-on-one. He's sad because he's only had one girl to rub abs with for awhile and he's getting sick of her. Then they bring Melissa out so he can dump her on National Television. I'm not sure if I believe that she didn't know she was going out there to be dumped, but the whole thing seemed convincing.

They push Melissa into an ABC limo because it wasn't embarrassing enough to be dumped on National Television, they need to capture her heartbreak on camera during the car ride home. Then, they bring Molly back on stage so Jason can ask her if coming in second place is okay. They agree to date for 6 months until Jason gets sick of her. Roll credits.

It was the perfect ending to the worst season in 'Bachelor' history. I'm getting choked up just thinking about how I have to go through the rest of the year without watching heartless people manipulate each other. To get my fix, I plan to go down to the kennel to punch stray puppies in the face.

There is one more 'After the Rose' episode tonight. Unless the world ends. (fingers crossed)