Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Bachelor Recap - Having Sex with Juan Pablo and then Dumping Him


I don’t know how ABC plans to top last night’s Funpocalypse, but they’re sure as hell going to try. Juan Pablo visited the homes of four girlfriends last night, met their families, licked the insides of their mouths, and then dumped the one he least wanted to have sex with. Tonight there is going to be more sex happening on my television than on a Cinemax free preview weekend. Three girls remain. Chris Harrison has his Fantasy Suite invitations lined up. It’s time for Juan Pablo to enjoy a little Grown Sexy time. It’s the Bachelor.

Juan Pablo is down to three girlfriends. He will eventually narrow his search down to Juan. The group has flown to St. Lucia. To aid his search for a woman to be a mother to Camila and bear him future Camila siblings, Juan Pablo will have sex with his three girlfriends and then cast off the one who doesn’t do it for him in a dramatic and well-lit rose ceremony. Prostitution is illegal, unless you’re in Nevada or you own a broadcast license. ABC is a big ole’ pimp.

We begin with the promise of St. Lucian yacht jumping and love pronouncements. Something goes wrong with Andi’s Fantasy Suite experience. ABC is trying to lead us to believe that someone is either murdered or violated behind closed doors. It’s a promise of drama. Or, as I like to call it, a dramise.

Bachelor producers continue with the theme of animal destination representation by showing us St. Lucian frogs and lizards. Juan Pablo sits on a balcony. Normally, a Bachelor will stare off into the distance and think about love but, I don’t think Juan Pablo is really thinking about love anymore. He doesn’t seem to think at all. Cameras capture him walking down the street while he talks about how exciting it will be to spend the night with his girlfriends without cameras. He mentions how they’ll be able to “talk”.

Clare gets the first date in St. Lucia. She says, “If you would have told me a year ago that I would be standing in St. Lucia with the man of my dreams falling in love… there is no way I would have believed you.” The weird thing is that, one year ago, four different people told me that I would be standing in St. Lucia with the man of my dreams and I didn’t believe them. Except, in my case, those people were incorrect. I’m standing in Buffalo with drinking problem.

The young and crazy lovers get on a small boat to cuddle and make out in front of the poor guy hired to drive the boat. He drives them to a yacht. Do you drive boats? Anyway, Clare is already stressing about the Fantasy Suite because, the last time she had sex with Juan Pablo back in Vietnam, she got yelled at for it. She doesn’t want that to happen again so she’s acting like she might not accept the invitation. We shall see.

They lay on their yacht for steamy make-out sessions. Clare seems extra chesty. She’s bringing out the big guns in her attempt to open curtain on her dead dad DVD. After Clare talks to the camera about love and how falling in love is scary, she jumps into the ocean with Juan Pablo. Get it, guys? Falling in love is like falling into the ocean! It’s scary! You guys are scared. Admit it.

Later, they go to their Fantasy Hotel. Keep up! Clare talks about how excited she would be to be Camila’s mom and how she’d add love to love. That’s totally a large amount of love. So far, I’m really bored.

Juan Pablo whips out the Fantasy Suite card. Chris Harrison has sent them a personal invitation to have sex with each other. He has really nice hand writing. Clare balks a bit at accepting the sex key. She tells Juan Pablo that she’s afraid he’ll yell at her again for wanting to have sex. He tells her that it’s okay to have sex this time. He doesn’t promise not to yell at her again.

They walk into their romper room. Bachelor interns have lit 4 million candles. This Fantasy Suite will single-handedly melt the polar ice caps. Does St. Lucia not have electricity?

Juan Pablo and Clare drink the intern’s champagne to grease the gears. Clare thinks. Juan Pablo asks her why she’s thinking so much. It’s a weird question, even for Juan Pablo. Clare admits that she’s falling in love with Juan Pablo. There’s super soft piano music and it would totally be an endearing moment if Juan Pablo didn’t keep forcing her head toward his lips to slurp on her. So, Clare has declared her love. It’s official. We can never take that away from her.

Next comes a hot tub make out session. I thought there weren’t supposed to be cameras in here? Anyway, Clare’s date is over.

Andi’s date is next. Eleven people die, I guess. That’s what I’ve been told for two weeks. Juan Pablo and Andi walk through the streets, holding hands. They happen upon a steel drum concert. I guess K-Pop hasn’t taken over St. Lucia yet. Like, what are the chances of there being a steel drum concert the same weekend that Juan Pablo and his three girlfriends are in town? Answer me!

So Juan Pablo and Andi walk up on stage to play the steel drums. There is very little security in St. Lucia. I didn’t think you were allowed to join steel drum bands without a permit. This show has no rules.

Next, they eat food with three random kids at a picnic table. Juan Pablo has repeatedly said that he wants a boy. Maybe this is his lucky day. Juan Pablo buys juice for the kids. Andi is super impressed. Next, they play soccer. I guess that fills my spots quota but, I’ve got to be honest with you. The sex-having is more sportsy
than a beach pick-up soccer game.


Juan Pablo and Andi get into a dune buggy. Thank goodness they’re getting this quality dune buggy time in to properly determine their compatibility. The dune buggy hits a pothole, forcing them to pull over. Now, there’s a camera mounted underneath the dune buggy to give us an ultra-clear view of the pothole disaster. I’m not certain that this pothole disaster wasn’t completely staged. It’s either staged or ‘The Bachelor’ is staffed by the best camera planning crew ever.

They happen upon a waterfall. You guys! Waterfalls are totally symbolic of love! Hopefully, one of them realizes that and makes the comparison. They sit under the waterfall and no one mentions how love falls like water or how water is falling all around them like love. No one even climbs down anything. This whole date is devoid of love.

After the loveless waterfall, they talk about life while frogs incessantly scream in the background. It has become an ‘End of the Season’ Bachelor tradition to have conversations drowned out by billions of frogs. These producers can plan ahead to get camera shots of pot holes but they can’t schedule a pre-sex conversation more than twenty feet away from screaming frogs.

The Fantasy Suite sex invitation is next. Unlike crazy Clare, Andi doesn’t mess around. She accepts Chris Harrison’s e-vite to have sex with Juan Pablo. She’s all, “Fantasy Suite? More like, fantasy? Sweet!” She doesn’t actually say that. No one would. Andi thanks Juan Pablo for the amazing date that he carefully orchestrated and paid for.

So far, nothing egregious has happened. It’s coming, though. ABC promised.

They go inside and you can still hear the screaming frogs. The frogs are easier to understand than Juan Pablo. They make out. There is much tongue.

After the commercial, all hell breaks loose. Juan Pablo loved his overnight date and thought it went really well. He digs Andi and thinks she can be the Juan.

Andi was not happy with her sex-having experience. She called their night a disaster. Juan Pablo wouldn’t let her talk about her feelings. I hate that. She doesn’t think Juan Pablo cares. I Juander what gave her that idea. Juan Pablo talked about how he also had sex with his other girlfriend and that crosses a line with Andi. You just don’t do that, you guys. Andi is super mad and I am totally digging it. You go, Andi!

Andi wants love but she has come to the realization that it Juon’t happen with Juan Pablo. She cries because she has Juasted her time on Juan Pablo.

Nikki’s date is next. She’s wearing pajama bottoms and the fringe from a lamp shade as a top. It’s Grown Sexy. Juan Pablo is wearing a wife beater with a florescent green pocket. It looks like he has a post-it note on his nipple. As she approaches Juan Pablo, he tells the camera that he likes what they’re going to be doing today a lot. He means intercourse.

They ride horses. ABC, who has proven their undying commitment to clever camera placement, has placed cameras in the horse saddles to capture bouncy and blurry images of Nikki and Juan Pablo’s face. I have no idea who this benefits.

Nikki’s top allows us to see 78% of her boobs. I’m not complaining. I’m just doing the math. If you were Clare’s dead dad, and you had the ability to watch over all of us, you would totally be in St. Lucia watching over Nikki.


There’s a ton of horse riding. It’s fun. Juan Pablo says, “Aye aye aye” for the hundredth time. When we’ve exhausted the far reaches of where horse riding on TV can take us, they sit down on the beach to drink water. There’s a whole pineapple on their beach blanket. Did Bachelor interns provide them with a knife? 
Don’t answer. I don’t even care anymore.

There are still six hours left in tonight’s show. They drink more alcohol and talk in front of a fire. Juan Pablo scolds Nikki for thinking. This man does not like his women to think. I couldn’t pull off the clothes Nikki wore today but, Juan Pablo would totally dig my lack of thinking.

Nikki and Juan Pablo read Chris Harrison’s Fantasy Suite sex invitation. It comes with a skeleton key for a hotel room. There’s some crack security in a hotel with a skeleton key. You just can’t fabricate skeleton key technology. Nice thinking, ABC. When St. Lucian bandits break into Juan Pablo’s room and steal all of his K-Pop records, you’ll be sorry.

Nikki is worried about the fact that she hasn’t told Juan Pablo that she loves him yet. I’ve tried to hide it and, I don’t know if you guys can tell from reading my recap but, I’ve been really worried about it too. I haven’t slept in days and my skin is itchy.

They slurp faces on a St. Lucian couch. I believe they talk but, I can’t really hear well. The screaming frogs are back. Nikki blurts out that she loves Juan Pablo. She didn’t even give ABC a chance to pipe in soft piano music. It was a very abrupt love pronouncement. ABC hits the gas on sweet music for their post-love-pronouncement make-out session. There is no way that this over-night date is a disaster with the amount of love in the room. It’s almost like a waterfall of love.

Chris Harrison punches in for a Juan-on-Juan interview with everyone’s least favorite soccer player. They hug before they talk. Neither of the men have their sleeve buttons buttoned. It must be warm in St. Lucia.
Chris Harrison has Juan Pablo explain the difference between Venezuelan ‘like’ and American ‘like’. I guess there isn’t much of a difference. So, that’s cleared up. We still have 45 minutes remaining and the only portion left to show is the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo watches video messages from his girlfriends.

Nikki reiterates her love for Juan Pablo, not that we had the chance to forget it. I haven’t forgotten. Clare also reminds Juan Pablo that she’s in love. These girls’ love for Juan Pablo is almost like basic math for me. I couldn’t forget it if I tried. It’s just up in my brain and it always will be.

Andi’s video message is a little different. She isn’t in love. She’s in a different place. It’s far west of love. You’d need a different map to navigate the place Andi is in. As Juan Pablo is watching Andi’s video message, she walks up behind him to give the rest of the message in person. The technology in St. Lucia is amazing. You can do video messages, live messages, and combination live/video messages. What part of Oklahoma is St. Lucia in anyway?

The music provided for Andi’s walk up to Juan Pablo is dramatic. It’s the kind of music used in a suspenseful movie right before they reveal the killer. The killer is Andi. She’s about to kill their relationship. Boom!

This episode is taking forever. When they went to commercial, Andi was walking up the road to meet Juan Pablo. When we return from commercial, she’s on the same road but she’s further away than when we went to commercial! What the hell happened during the commercial? Did she step into another St. Lucian pot hole? I know the place is littered with them.

Andi dumps Juan Pablo. Like with most dumpings, it doesn’t happen fast. There’s a ton of talking. While she dramatically pours her heart out about how she’s angry with Juan Pablo, he nods and says, “Essokay”. She reaffirms her feelings and his coldness. He says, “Essokay.”

While explaining that he does have feelings, Juan Pablo says, “Am I going to die? No. Am I sad? Yes, because I did have feelings for Andi.” He says that directly to her. Normally, you don’t refer to a woman in the third person while speaking directly to her. He does it twice.

Andi brings up how Juan Pablo told her she was in St. Lucia by default and that she just barely beat out Renee to make it to this point in the game show. I’ve watched this show for more than a decade. That’s some pretty amazing dialogue, right there.

Juan Pablo blames his choice of words on his inability to speak the language that he’s been speaking for his entire life. The guy is from Rochester. He didn’t spend 25 years in a tree in Venezuela. He has a Netflix account and a favorite cast member of ‘How I Met Your Mother’. He wasn’t raised in a jungle.

There’s more confrontation and some bleeped vulgarity. It’s my least favorite form of vulgarity. Andi yells at Juan Pablo and he repeatedly says "Essokay" and declares that he doesn’t want to argue. He’s really just trying to get this over with.

I have a feeling that the women in next week’s ‘Women Tell All’ episode are going to boo Juan Pablo. I’m obsessed with the idea of this happening. It’s never happened. I’m more concerned with the live studio audience reaction of Juan Pablo’s entrance to next week’s show than I was about the last 12 presidential elections. Juan Pablo’s approval ratings have to be pretty low.

For the second time this season, Juan Pablo has been dumped. First, his Oprah singer dumped him. Then, attorney Andi dumped him. He takes his dumpings well for a man searching for a wife, mother and breeding partner. Juan Pablo is still on top of the dump standings with a pristine 21-and-2 record. He has clinched a ‘Dump’ playoff berth so, essokay.

Andi rides away in a 1972 van that drives on the wrong side of the road. She doesn’t cry a lot. There really hasn’t been enough crying this season. I wonder if this will affect the price of strawberries.

The rose ceremony is next and it’s pointless. With Andi’s departure, Clare and Nikki are the final two standing in the quest for a heartless man’s heart. They still hold a rose ceremony so Chris Harrison can touch Juan Pablo’s girlfriends on the back a couple of times. Juan Pablo doesn’t even change out of his ‘Andi scene’ shirt.

It just so happens that the two girls who hate each other the most are left. It’s like a Red Wings Avalanche playoff series from the 90’s or the battle between Ice Cube and that can of Coors Light.

Next week, the women tell all and we have to sit through two hours of the women telling all. I would prefer they told less than all. No one cares what I want, though. I guess essokay.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Bachelor Recap- Nice Guys Dump Women after Meeting their Son


‘Home’ is usually a nice word. Home is good. Home is where you hang your heart. Home is safe and warm like grandmother hugs.

We have reached the ‘Hometown Dates’ portion of ‘The Bachelor’ season. In this case, ‘Home’ is not a nice word. It’s a very bad word. Hometown dates are where I hang my heart from a rusty iron spike.

EveryJuan’s favorite single dad Juan Pablo has narrowed his search for a procreation partner to four Juomen. This week, he travels to the hometowns of his girlfriends to meet their families so we can watch them eat on TV. It’s more thrilling than a shark attack. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.

The episode preview promises two straight days of yelling, crying and jumping off of yachts. I can barely contain my excitement. ABC shows us dramatic footage of families disapproving reality TV marriages set to a stirring score of music. They also promise us that tomorrow night’s ‘Fantasy Suite’ episode will be incredibly shocking. I don’t know why they don’t just show us that. ABC hates you.

We start off with cows mooing. See, we have just started and you already stopped reading. We’re in Kansas City to meet Nikki’s family. Juan Pablo walks in a Kansas City park so cameras can capture it. Nikki shows Juan Pablo what Kansas City looks like. She pledges to show him what cowboys do. They eat at Oklahoma Joe’s barbeque to get a taste of Kansas City. I keep forgetting that Oklahoma is in Kansas City. There are different angles of Juan Pablo’s food consumption. Even when he’s not making out with someone, we get to see his tongue.

Next, Juan Pablo rides a mechanical bull. It’s an exciting 3 minutes of mechanical bull footage. ABC even puts a camera in the back of the bull’s head so we can see blurry footage of bull riding. Nikki is impressed with how much of a cowboy Juan Pablo is because he rode a fake bull on slow speed for 4 minutes.

I honestly never knew Kansas City was a big cow town. It’s got the word ‘City’ right in the title there. Are there a lot of cowboys in KC? I’ve never been to Kansas City. Maybe Clare’s dad can tell us. I am also unsure if this is the ‘Kansas’ Kansas City or the ‘Missouri’ Kansas City. Is Oklahoma in Missouri or Kansas? Look, there’s no time for this crap. I already missed a bunch of Nikki and Juan Pablo holding hands and a nice 2-second shot of a horse grazing.

Nikki is obsessing over the fact that she loves Juan Pablo and wants to tell him but she can’t. The timing isn’t right. I can’t blame her. You don’t want to just rush into telling the guy you’ve been dating for 10 minutes at a time for a couple of weeks that you love him. You gotta pace yourself, girl.

Nikki brings Juan Pablo into her house and her family screams. It’s the good kind of scream. Nikki’s family is wealthy. They have those curtain things in their dining room that don’t cover windows. They’re huge. They’re like MacBeth curtains.

Nikki’s dad welcomes Juan Pablo with a toast and they drink. Juan Pablo tells the camera how comfortable he is around Nikki’s rich Oklahoma, Kansas City, Missouri family. The family laughs and talks. It’s super sweet. You guys felt at home, too. Admit it.

Nikki and her mom leave the room to talk because important issues like marriage should command an entire four minutes of conversation. They talk about how Nikki is in love with Juan Pablo but hasn’t told him yet. There’s soft ‘Nikki hasn’t told Juan Pablo yet’ piano music. It’s a really sweet moment shared between Nikki and her mom and the three camera guys in the room and the guy with the boom mic and America.

Juan Pablo talks with Nikki’s dad while Clare’s dad listens in. Nikki’s dad is happy that Juan Pablo can see things from a dad’s perspective. I had almost forgotten that Juan Pablo was a dad with how he’s abandoned his daughter again to go to 4 different hometowns of women he has no intention of marrying.

Juan Pablo asks if he and his daughter can join Nikki’s family. Nikki’s dad says ‘yes’. They use a ton of hand gestures. Nikki’s dad seems nice. I’ll feel really sorry for him tomorrow when he’s watching his little girl have sex on television.

When he’s done promising to respect Nikki, Juan Pablo takes her outside to make out on the porch. Luckily, ABC uses the latest in sound sensitive technology to capture the slurping and growling. Nikki didn’t tell Juan Pablo that she loves him and it’s dramatic.

Andi gets the next hometown date. ABC has promised us near-violence from Andi’s dad because he disapproves of his daughter dating a guy dating several other women on TV. What a jerk.

Andi lives in Atlanta, GA which is in neither Oklahoma nor Missouri. I think I used ‘nor’ correctly there. I’m not sure. Look, if you’re not going to read my recaps, I’m just going to type whatever the hell I want to in here. ABC shows us footage of ducks. These guys really do know how to give us the full flavor of a city based on wildlife.

juanJuan Pablo and Andi meet in a park. They always meet in parks. I guess they do that so there are witnesses. Before they meet Andi’s family, she takes him to shoot guns. It’s totally crazy. Isn’t it crazy, you guys? Andi shoots a gun and a rifle big enough to kill a Minotaur.
Andi says that Southern guys have to shoot guns and that Juan Pablo has to shoot a bull’s-eye to prove that he’s a real man. Juan Pablo eventually hits the bull’s-eye and I celebrate by spraying champagne all over my living room.

Next, we visit Andi’s family. Keep up! Andi admits that she’s not in love with Juan Pablo yet. What an idiot. How much time do you need? Andi tells her family about the fun time they’ve had in Vietnam. They leave out the part about how he had sex with Clare in the ocean.

Andi’s dad is mad and disapproving. ABC plays ‘disapproving’ music. Dad keeps asking how many girlfriends Juan Pablo has. What a square. They eat on TV in a very tense atmosphere.

Juan Pablo goes into the other room to talk with Andi’s mom. He uses his words to describe how beautiful and smart Andi is. They stop talking and they dance. I’m not going to yell at you guys because I can’t even keep up at this point. It’s all happening so fast.

Next, dad moves in to kill all of the fun. He takes Juan Pablo into a room to talk. He asks, “Is it ‘Juan’ or ‘Juan Pablo’?” Juan Pablo says, “Eh, Juan Pablo.” I think the move there is to let him call you whatever he wants to call you but, I’m not Juan Pablo. To be fair, Andi’s dad’s name is ‘Hy’. I’ve never met someone named Hy.

They have a serious talk about love. As per usual, the conversation is not nearly as confrontational and dramatic as the teaser footage promised. ABC lies. ABC is the Wes of television networks. If you got that reference, give yourself 20 points on level 5 Bachelor/Bachelorette trivia.

Andi’s sister says that she’s not sure if Andi should love Juan Pablo and that makes Andi cry. We see it. We see Andi cry. No one in Andi’s family has the slightest idea what the point of this show is.

When the family stuff is over, Andi takes Juan Pablo outside and they sit on a bench to make out in front of cameras. Andi is super happy and she cries some more. She’s falling in love. We watched it, you guys. We totally just watched Andi fall in love. I feel like I’m in love too. She tells the camera that she’s much more in love than she was 12 hours ago. I gasp because the Valentine’s card I gave my wife told her that I was more in love than I was 12 hours ago.

Renee’s hometown date is next. We open with pelicans because Renee lives in Sarasota, FL. If you want to set the stage for a visit to Sarasota, FL, you either use pelicans or old people asleep behind the wheel at traffic intersections. Renee is excited to see her son. She says, “I am going to literally eat my son when I see him.” I wish when someone said something like that, by law, it had to happen.

Instead of shooting guns, Renee takes Juan Pablo to a park to meet her son. It's a bold move. Bachelor interns put down a blanket so they can sit down on the grass. Renee’s son Ben gets out of a random car and runs over to meet a guy who will never be his dad. He's wearing a baseball uniform. Ben doesn’t talk much. Ben seems very uncomfortable to meet a guy with abs in front of three cameras. This kid is not a pressure player.
Juan Pablo and Renee watch Ben’s Little League game. Sports quota filled. It’s as boring as it sounds. Juan Pablo says he wants a son. I wonder if he means he wants Ben as a son or he means that he wants Renee as a birth mother for a entirely different son. He didn’t use the plural of ‘son’. He only wants one. I doubt he’d ask Renee to give up her son and then have a completely new son with him so, I’m guessing Renee doesn’t win the game show. Look, I’m just looking for clues.

Ben tries to steal third base and he reaches on a fielding error. The throw was there but the third basement couldn’t control it and get the tag down. This poor third baseman just blew any chance he had as a Major League Baseball player. It’s clear he doesn’t have what it takes.

During the commercial break, Chris Harrison and his not-shaved face introduce an infomercial for a movie about fast cars. There are so many fast cars and jumping cars in the commercial that several women watching the commercial become spontaneously pregnant.

Juan Pablo meets Renee’s family next. Ben is there and he’s still wearing his baseball uniform so I’m assuming he smells terrible. Renee brings her son upstairs. Ben brushes his teeth. Renee walks Ben into his room and there’s a camera there to capture the moment. Ben jumps into bed with a camera guy standing in the corner to film his every move. I hope ABC pays for his therapy.

Juan Pablo talks to Renee’s mom. He doesn’t mention how he’s going to dump Renee. I guess it didn’t come up in the course of their conversation. Renee’s dad really likes Juan Pablo and says that he’s a great guy. Wait until he gets to see Vietnam!

When the tender talks with Renee’s family are over, Juan Pablo takes her outside and cleans out the inside of her mouth with his mouth. They do that growling whisper thing while they make out. Juan Pablo asks Renee what she’s thinking. I yell out, “Tell him you love him!” Renee doesn’t tell Juan Pablo that she loves him. What is with this idiot girls and their inability to tell their reality TV boyfriend that they love him? This show is so frustrating!

Clare’s hometown date is next. The teaser footage promises drama from Clare’s family so, obviously nothing will happen. Clare lives in Sacramento so, ABC shows us a squirrel and a bunch of bees. It’s formulaic. Renee walks through a Sacramento garden and thinks about love while her voice over talks about how excited she is to see Juan Pablo. You could tell that from watching her think but, ABC wanted to make sure that we knew.

Juan Pablo says that Clare is beautiful and smart and he has a good time around her. He said the exact same thing about all four girls but, it’s different with Clare. We’re immediately reminded of how batcrap crazy Clare is as soon as she talks.

They sit on a bench. ABC interns have already set out a basket lunch for them. What are these people going to do when they’re back in the real world and Bachelor interns aren’t feeding them?

Clare mentions how she likes this park because her father used to take her there. I hope so bad that they make out in Clare’s dead dad park. Clare is sitting on Juan Pablo’s lap in a completely unnatural way. It’s not even dirty or risqué. It’s more awkward. It looks like she’s about to tell Juan Pablo what she wants to Christmas. It’s like he’s Santa Clajuas.
Clare is sad because Juan Pablo can’t meet her dad. We’re running out of time to see Clare’s dead dad DVD. She carries around a recording of her dad’s message to the man she’ll eventually marry. It’s normal. There’s a lot more talking about dads than I’m used to. Clare says that her dad told her, whenever she’s sad, to “go to the water and pick up a rock and throw the rock and, as far as you throw that rock, I won’t be further from you than you can throw that rock.” Clare’s dad wasn’t real good with the metaphors.

Juan Pablo was moved by the rock speech so he insists that they both get up to throw a rock. They go to the pond and throw one. They throw their rocks far. It’s weird because, throwing the rock far would mean that they want Clare’s dad to be far away. Immediately after Clare and Juan Pablo throw their ‘Dad’ rock, they straddle each other and make out. Then, they feed ducks. I thought that ducks meant Atlanta. I’m confused. Why don’t they feed some Sacramento squirrels and bees?

Clare has a bunch of siblings. We’re promised physical violence with her one sister. Often times, Bachelor contestant siblings will grab a hold of their 15 minutes and act crazy. If we’re lucky, Clare’s sister will embarrass her for our amusement.

One of Clare’s nice sisters pulls her aside to talk. When mentioning her dad, Clare says ‘Daddy’. A grown woman referring to her dad as ‘Daddy’ is a weird combination of hot and creepy for me. I should probably talk to a professional about that. I may have issues.

Clare’s sister also wishes their dad was there to meet Juan Pablo. Everyone wants Clare’s dad to be there. He must have been a fun guy. I hope people carry around DVDs of me after I die. One of Clare’s other sisters gushes about what a great guy Juan Pablo is and how perfect he is for Clare. I’m quite certain she’ll still feel that way after they watch him have sex with their sister in Vietnam and then yell at her for it.

We finally get to the bad sister who doesn’t approve of televised love. The evil sister doesn’t like what’s going on. ABC plays ‘evil sister’ music. Clare correctly overreacts to the situation by bawling her eyes out. I’m positive that Clare has or will murder. I say a little prayer that she’ll murder her sister while I watch. She doesn’t. This show has, like, zero murders. The evil siter gets up and stands to the side and continues to act evil so America will remember her. Clare cries more. There’s crying. Clare’s dad watches. He’s probably pissed that ABC won’t show his DVD.

Juan Pablo tries to talk to Clare’s mom but the evil sister butts in and Clare’s crazy eyes come out. She’s a nut job. I’m glad that I don’t have any crazy sisters. I mean, they used to put cat food on my pizza but, they’d never disapprove if I tried to date a woman who was also dating 24 other men.

I’m guessing that ABC producers either bribe Clare’s sister or threaten her to act evil so they have some sort of content for their trash-a-thon. This episode has been terribly boring. Without Clare’s evil sister, it would have been 2 hours of ducks, bees and squirrels.

Clare’s mom speaks Spanish. Then, they speak the language of love. It’s very touching. Clare’s mom also refers to her husband as ‘Daddy’. I’m no longer turned on by it. I need a shower. On the plus side, I guess I don’t need therapy. Juan Pablo and Clare sit on her porch to make out on a bench. She sits next to him instead of sitting on his lap and I’m all, “What’s the point?”

The rose ceremony is next. There’s no way Renee isn’t going home. If Juan Pablo doesn’t dump Renee, I will literally eat her son. Chris Harrison takes a bath and shaves for the big moment. He tells each woman where to stand for the rose ceremony. There’s a lot of touching. Chris Harrison acts a bit inappropriate.

It’s a weird rose ceremony. It looks like they hold it in the front parking lot of a hotel. There’s a ton of wind. They should hold these indoors. I guess, if we can have a cold weather Super Bowl, rose ceremonies can stand a little wind.

Juan Pablo talks about how amazing each woman is and how incredible their families are. Then, he dumps Renee. Back in week two or three, Juan Pablo promised Renee that he would send her home the moment that he realized she wasn’t the one. So, he didn’t realize it until the rose ceremony? He went all day without knowing who he was going to send home? Juan Pablo lies. He’s like the Moana of Bachelors.
That’s some level 8 trivia.

Renee takes the dumping well. She manages to not cry until she gets in the limo. Juan Pablo fake cries a little. Renee is heading home. Maybe she’ll take time to teach her son how to slide into third base.

Renee fell in love with Juan Pablo. She says, “There’s not a lot of guys like Juan Pablo. He’s as good as they come.” So, if you’re keeping score at home, men are basically the worst thing ever.

Tomorrow night, I get to do this all over again. Juan Pablo will have sex with his three remaining girlfriends and then he’ll dump one of them. We’re told that a few terrible things happen in the Fantasy Suite. I don’t see how that’s possible. Juan Pablo is as good as they come.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Bachelor Recap - Three Separate Urine References


It took Christopher Columbus 5 weeks to get across the Atlantic and be wrong about India. While it must have been exciting to eventually see land near the end of that journey, you still had tons of suffering and pooing in front of a bunch of guys before you finally got off of the smelly boat.

That’s how I feel watching tonight’s episode of ‘The Bachelor’. We’re so close to the end, I can almost see land. Unfortunately, the worst is still yet to come. There’s going to be crying and booger make-out sessions, fantasy suite sex and, of course, the women will tell all. I’m jumping ahead. Tonight isn’t about boogers or sex. It’s about love… and finding mothers for daughters… and whatever. No one cares. I’ve already lost you.

Juan Pablo has six girlfriends left. Six? Where the hell did everyone go? The teaser voice over promises that tonight’s ending will leave everyone blind sided. The only ending that would blind side me would be if everyone involved with the decade plus of this terrible program got in front of the camera, knelt down and begged my forgiveness. Also, if Juan Pablo found love.

We begin tonight with a preview of the episode. There will be drama in Miami. I’m gonna call it Driami! BOOM!

Juan Pablo drives to pick up his daughter, Camila. Cameras are located throughout his jeep so we don’t miss a single moment of his commute. I say a little prayer to my creator to thank him for the cameras that allow me to witness Juan Pablo driving. Juan Pablo is excited and makes squeak noises. It’s the most interesting he’s ever been.

Juan Pablo sneaks up to the house to surprise Camila. Cameras follow him up to the door that he quietly opens. Cameras are also stationed in the house to capture Camila playing with her grandfather. I don’t know how smart this kid is but, I’m guessing the two camera guys in her living room are ruining any true element of surprise here.

ABC producers threaten Camila to act surprised and she does. Juan Pablo hugs his family and talks about how important family is. We then watch him take his shirt off.

Four seconds later, we see his six girlfriends in their limo as they discuss how real everything is getting. They do a good job of describing their hotel including some specific product placement of designer bikinis. There will be a pair of Juan on Juan dates and a group date. Next week is hometown dates, so there’s a lot on the line.

Juan Pablo talks to his cousin with braces about Sharleen. Juan Pablo says that Sharleen is an Oprah singer. I think being an Oprah singer would be a cool gig. You would just sing about Oprah all day. Juan Pablo says that his Oprah singer could be the one.

A minute later he visits the hotel to take one of his girlfriends out. It’s a spontaneous date. He hands the date card to his Oprah singer, Sharleen. They leave IMMEDIATELY! Holy Cow! We hardly even have time to show her on camera putting on earrings and then heading out onto a balcony to think about love. They do show that. She totally walks out onto a balcony and stares off into the distance. Maybe she’s thinking of Oprah songs.

Sharleen still isn’t sure about this whole thing. For the four thousandth time, she declares that she’ll leave if she doesn’t figure things out. Sharleen is a liar as well as an Oprah singer. I’ll bet Clare’s dad is all, “Make up your mind, woman!”

The rest of the girls sit in a circle and talk about how wrong they think Sharleen is for Juan Pablo. They say that she’s too nerdy for Juan Pablo. I don’t know what anything means. Sharleen and Juan Pablo get on a yacht to float around and talk about how cool it is to float on a yacht. Sharleen tells the camera that she doesn’t think they get each other. They must have different interpretations of floating on a yacht.

Instead of talking, they make out. We get to see it and hear it. It’s slurpy. There’s a solid 2 minutes of just tongues coming out of mouths and going into other mouths. I’m so glad I don’t watch this show with my parents. They kiss a ton. Juan Pablo is totally going to town on a panda in a yacht full of brown bears. It’s Grown Sexy.

When they’re done tasting each other, they actually talk about life. Sharleen says that she would be ready to date a guy with a kid. That’s good because she’s currently dating a guy with a kid. Then, they run into the ocean to make out more. It’s like Vietnam all over again. If this is the first recap you’ve ever read, I don’t mean THAT Vietnam thing.

Sharleen and Juan Pablo might be having sex but, I’m not sure. I can’t see all of their parts. Maybe Clare’s dad can. He’s up in heaven either watching over this make out session or his daughter on a hotel balcony talking with her boyfriend’s other girlfriends. He might be able to watch over both scenes. I’m not sure because I’m not dead. I should be so lucky.

Juan Pablo and Sharleen are now back on the yacht and it is dark out. Keep up! Juan Pablo thanks Sharleen for being herself. They make out more. I didn’t think it was possible but, the camera gets even closer so we can see more movement out of their jaw muscles. We’re 22 minutes into the episode and at least 10 minutes has been Juan Pablo slurping on his Oprah singer.

Sharleen tells the camera that she isn’t comfortable with her inability to control herself around Juan Pablo. I’m not comfortable with it either. We go from kissing to talking. I don’t know what I hate more. Sharleen says that she wishes she was dumber so she didn’t think so much. She should try watching this show. I know I’m dumber.

The date mercifully ends. Sharleen is a mess. She complains to the one girl with the kid that she still isn’t sure whether or not she wants to stick around. In an amazing turn of events, this girl, who is competing with Sharleen for the love of a man, tries to convince her to stay to give herself a true shot at love. This show has no rules.


Nikki gets the next Juan-on-Juan date. The rest of the girls hate Nikki. They say that she’s negative. They say that she’s negative but they haven’t given her a negative nickname like ‘Negative Nikki’ or ‘PessiNikstik’. Whatever. Shut up.

Juan Pablo tells Nikki that he’s going to surprise her. He’s bringing her to Camila’s dance recital. Nikki’s excited. She tells the camera that she’s excited. That’s how I know. Dramatic music plays because you can tell that Nikki really isn’t interested in meeting Camila. I think she’d rather make out on a boat. I mean, who wouldn’t? Cameras show their jeep ride to the dance recital so, that’s covered. Nikki meets Juan Pablo’s family, including Camila’s mother. It seems comfortable.

ABC shows us about four minutes of a children’s dance recital. I miss the yacht make-outs. The family talks after the recital. All of this should be on camera. It’s really entertaining.

Back at the hotel… seriously keep up! Back at the hotel the other girls get their date card. There will be a rose on the group date. Everyone flips out because, woah. Sharleen, who is not dumb enough, complains about the fact that there’s a rose on the group date and threatens, for the 87th time, to leave the show. Sharleen is a liar. The girls should have given her a nickname like ‘Sharliar’ or ‘Fictsharleen’. You know, why don’t you jerks come up with your own stupid nicknames?

The dance recital wasn’t exciting enough because Juan Pablo and Negative Nikki drive to the Florida Marlins stadium. Juan Pablo works there. The stands are empty so, there’s a good chance there is currently a Florida Marlins game going on. Sports quota filled.

Nikki and Juan Pablo play catch. It’s a good idea for Nikki to play catch because she’s wearing a shoelace for a shirt and the opportunities for sideboob are plentiful. When they’re done with open-shirt baseball catching, the happy couple lies down on an intern-provided blanket to talk. Nikki does that thing where she doesn’t stop talking. Juan Pablo puts up with it for awhile before beginning another gratuitous make out session.

Nikki loves the date and gives Juan Pablo credit for planning it. He really did work hard. Even if he did plan it (he didn’t), he just took a girl to work. If you don’t have abs, girls will not let you get away with that crap. Nikki loved it though. She says that Juan Pablo “hit a home run.” Do you guys get it? She said “home run” because they were at a baseball stadium. Why did she stop there? Why didn’t she say, “When Juan Pablo tried to kiss me, I didn’t balk. I let him throw his tongue right down the plate. He cleared the bases and my taste buds. That kiss won the pennant. This entire date had a high number of Wins Above Replacement Player.” She didn’t, though. She stopped at “home run.”

We’re back at the hotel and Sharleen is still thinking about her doubts. Keep up! She gathers all of Juan Pablo’s girlfriends together to talk about her inkling to leave the show. She’s worried about the seriousness of hometown dates. She tells the other five girls that she’s leaving. The other girls do a good time of containing their glee. Well, everyone but Clare. Clare is smiling like an 8-year old on the tea cups in Disney World when she hugs Sharleen goodbye. I’m not buying it. Sharliar isn’t leaving.

Sharleen goes over the Juan Pablo’s to announce her intentions. She whispers so ABC gives us subtitles. She’s not ready to be proposed to… or at. Do you get proposed to or at? I guess it depends on who is doing the proposing. Sharleen cries and Juan Pablo comforts her. He’s really growing. He’s come a long way from the guy who yelled at a girl for having sex with him in the ocean. Sharleen says that she’s sorry for wasting his time. Juan Pablo tells Sharleen that he understands what she’s going through and that she shouldn’t feel sorry for wasting his time. For the record, no one has apologized to me about that.

After she leaves, Juan Pablo tells the camera that Sharleen would’ve gotten a hometown date. He’s crying. Sharleen left early so, she doesn’t get to cry in a limo. She gets a van cab. She’s just a brown bear in a yellow cab.

I feel like I’ve already watched 8 episodes tonight but we still have half of the show left. Juan Pablo loads 4 girls into a private plane because there were no van cabs available. This plane is equipped with cameras so, we get to see the ride to their group date. As the fun starts, cameras zoom in on the rose up for grabs on this group date. The rose sits on a plate. It is not in water. How doesn’t it die? How long can roses go without water? Are roses like transported whales? Do Bachelor interns have to periodically splash the group date rose with water to keep it moisturized? Did you read down this far? Do you guys wanna make out on a blanket?

The group drinks alcohol on a beach. Chelsie takes Juan Pablo aside to talk way too much. She talks about her mom and dad. It’s not Grown Sexy. Even Claire’s dad is all, “Boring!” She’s kind of a nerd. The other girls should give her a nickname like ‘Nerdy Chelsie’ or ‘Chelsdweeb’. Juan Pablo likes how Chelsie loves her family.

Juan Pablo and Andi walk and talk. There’s just so much going on. There are emotions and they both sit down to talk about it. We should all sit down, you guys. Andi talks. She talks a lot. The girls should give her a nickname like ‘Chatty Andi’ or ‘Babblandi’.

Clare gets the next 5-minute session with Juan Pablo. She talks about her family and how important they are. Juan Pablo tells Clare that he wishes he could have met her dad. He then moves in to make out with her. If you’re taking notes at home, it’s a really good idea to bring up a woman’s dead father and then, 3 seconds later, try to make out with her. Especially if this woman is so attached to the memory of her father that she carries around a DVD of his messages. She’ll totally be ready for a sloppy make out session.

Clare brings up the video that the man she is to marry must watch. She tells that camera that she hopes that Juan Pablo gets to watch her dead dad video. I hope so too, you guys. Then, they make out.

Next, Juan Pablo gives out the rose. Keep up! He gives it to Andi. It’s a big shock. I thought for sure Andi was going home. Clare flips out. She does that shaky, nervous talking thing that serial killers do before they de-populate towns. Clare gets on the plane and says, “Let’s bleeping wrap bleep up and go home.” She doesn’t really say it. She sings it. Clare is crazy. The other girls should give her a nickname like ‘Crazy Clare or ‘DeClared Insane’! C’mon, you guys! That one was good. Admit it.

Juan Pablo and Andi continue their date by making out in the ocean. What is with this guy and making out in oceans? A very high percentage of shark attacks happen in the ocean. 100% of all deaths by shark attack happen in the ocean. Juan Pablo loves the ocean. The girls should give him a nickname like ‘OcJuan Pablo’ or ‘Marine Pablologist’.

I don’t have any friends.

Juan Pablo and Andi walk around Atlanta. When the hell did they get to Atlanta? They walk into a concert hall because ABC loves them some private concerts. Romeo Santos performs a private concert for Juan Pablo and his lover for the moment, Andi. I don’t know who Romeo Santos is. His name reminds me of Santos L. Halper from the Laddie episode of ‘The Simpsons’. There’s music and dancing.

Back at the hotel, the girls gather in the living room to talk. I’m guessing ABC producers cattle prod them to get them to hang out together for a certain amount of time each day. Otherwise, they’d just sit in their rooms and Netflix.  Clare declares how much she hates Nikki. She says, “I want to hang out with Nikki like I want to get stung by a jelly fish.” So, she’s saying she wants Nikki to pee on her.

The conversation is awkward. It’s not really even talking. There’s a lot of tension between Clare and Nikki because they hate each other. Nikki gets up and walks away. Clare chases her to confront her. It’s confronty. They argue and a lot of it is bleeped out. Thank goodness they bleep it out. Otherwise, any children who have been watching Juan Pablo's magic tongue show would be subjected to a swear word.

Clare is super stabby. She has the energy of a person who stabs other people. I’ve been hit in the face by nuns who had a more pleasant demeanor than Clare. This woman boils rabbits. There’s no way she’s not a multiple murderer.

Nikki tells Clare to leave her room. Clare clarifies that it’s not Nikki’s room. I’m happy to have that clared up. There’s more yelling and further explanation about said yelling. Clare leaves. Nikki tells the camera, “Clare is like a dog. She peed on me first. She claimed some territory that might not be hers.” There are an awful lot of references to peeing in this recap… at least two more than usual.

The cocktail party is next. The girls all talk about how important this moment is. It’s really important. It’s a crucial cocktail party. Clare talks to Juan Pablo and her eyes are crazy. I can’t un-see her craziness anymore.

Nikki sits around and says bad things about Clare. They go to sit near the ocean because… you know. Chelsie and the girl with the kid also talk about how much they hate Nikki. By the way, the girl with the kid doesn’t need a nickname. She’s the girl with the kid.

When Nikki sits back down Chelsie announces that she has to pee. What is it with these girls and peeing? Clare and Nikki sit in total silence for 20 seconds. There is no talking. It’s my favorite moment in Bachelor history. Even when she’s not talking, Clare looks crazy. Chris Harrison comes out with his butter knife that he uses to tap on a wine glass to interrupt conversation and announce the rose ceremony but, there’s no need for the butter knife. No one is talking.

The rose ceremony is next. Nikki, Clare and the girl with the kid all get a rose. Chelsie is sent home. Clare got a rose despite her tendency to want to murder human beings.

Chelsie thanks Juan Pablo for showing her a good time and says that she hopes he finds someone special. She’s too nice for this show. In her limo she cries like a good girl. She says that she wants to find her partner in crime. I’m glad Juan Pablo dumped her. I don’t want her crime spree to snowball into something worse with the help of a partner.

Last week at work, I parked next to a handicapped parking space. An officer of the law gave me a ticket for parking in a handicapped spot. With the service charge, the ticket set me back 80 dollars that I don’t have. I was pretty angry, but I didn’t do anything about it. I just took it.

I just took it because there was nothing I could do about it. No one would listen to my complaints. No judge or town clerk would care. It was my word against the word of the officer who wrote the ticket. I had no hand and it fills me with hate. It’s exactly how I felt learning that, next week, there will be two episodes of ‘The Bachelor’.

I hate this show.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Bachelor Recap - Making out in a New Zealand Hobbit House

Go sit on a bench and we'll make out
Because I work second shift, I’m unable to watch ‘The Bachelor’ live. I have to wait until 1 a.m.  With social media, I can check in on comments to see how things are going with everyone’s favorite ocean-sex haver, Juan Pablo.
Luckily, I’m one of three male members of a Bachelor Facebook group. My dad doesn’t know this about me. It’s a fun group. I’m only like the 48th meanest person on there. These were some of the comments that got me good and depressed for tonight’s viewing fiesta.

“Oh great. Another cave.”

“Sheep poop fight.”

“I hate this show.”

You can’t buy that kind of insight. I thought about purchasing a Bachelor recap on Craigslist like a High School football player does with essays so I could avoid watching tonight but, I don’t make 'High School Football Player' money.

Juan Pablo has 8 girlfriends left. The group has been flown to New Zealand to make sure that they can fall in love. Vietnam was nice but, it’s better to go to New Zealand to fall in love. Everyone knows that. You can’t just stay on one continent while dating several women and expect love to happen… especially if you’re not climbing into or up something. Have you people never read Shakespeare?

They begin with showing us stuff we’ve already seen. ABC is running out of material for this 2-hour crapfest so they’re showing us past crap before they preview crap to come. We re-witness Juan Pablo yelling at Clare for having sex with him in an ocean.

Juan Pablo flies in his own plane because he’s important. He likes New Zealand because it has rivers and mountains. He says that New Zealand is the perfect place to fall in love. I thought it was Paris but, whatever. I’m not in New Zealand to properly judge the situation.

When talking about his girlfriends, Juan Pablo says, “Ay, yi yi.” I had to do a Google search to get the proper spelling of ‘Ay yi yi’. Someone made a Youtube compilation video of all of the times Juan Pablo has said ‘Ay yi yi’. It’s 2:38 long. Ay yi yi.

Cassandra talks about missing her son to remind us of her ‘son’ having.

Clare says, “Getting the first date in New Zealand is crucial”. I think she stole that quote from Winston Churchill. Andi gets the first date, which is crucial. Clare is upset that she didn’t get the first date because she got yelled at for having sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean in Vietnam last week. It’s hard, you guys.

We’re seven minutes in and girls are talking by the fire and no one is dating yet. No one is climbing down things. Clare’s dad is probably bored to death (like, extra death).

Juan Pablo arrives to pick up Andi. I don’t remember much about Andi. She made out with Juan Pablo in front of a soccer stadium deep fryer. I’m sure there’s more but I’m drawing a blank. Juan Pablo wears a scarf for their date. I didn’t think New Zealand was scarf country.

They jump in a speed boat to get to know each other better. There’s some pleasant conversation about how cool riding in a jet boat is. I can see the bonding on my television.

The happy couple parks their speed boat so they can go swimming in a cave. Bachelor interns hand them their bathing suits and they jump into their cave water. They’re getting to know each other in their cave water. It’s a really tight fit with the rocks closing in on them from each side. It looks uncomfortable, especially if you’re one of the two guys carrying a 200 lb. camera.

The tunnels are difficult to navigate. Andi remarks on how well Juan Pablo takes care of her. These are the kinds of challenging situations they’ll find themselves in back at home. Guided New Zealand tours are very similar to arguing with kids at a Bounce Magic.

Andi and Juan Pablo make out under a waterfall with dramatic music playing. It’s Grown Sexy. The water is hot because of volcanoes, or something. Andi talks about how their trust for each other is growing because they walked through a tunnel and made out in a waterfall.
This is an Irish Spring commercial

After the waterfall smoochfest, they eat dinner on a bench on a volcano beach. There’s a bunch of smoke because there’s lava underneath them. Water gushes out of a geyser and sprays the young lovers. It’s a metaphor. They can’t eat their food because of the hot geyser water. It’s thrilling. This show has nothing to do with anything. It’s basically a commercial for New Zealand.

Back at the mansion, we find out that Clare gets the other Juan-on-Juan date. So, America gets 40 more minutes of Clare. I just hate this show so much.

Is that a geyser behind us or just you connecting with me?
We’re back at the geyser date. Keep up! Andi and Juan Pablo are on a bridge. He has on a different scarf. Who has two scarves? Andi starts talking about love and how she wants a family. Juan Pablo gives her a rose and they make out more. There’s a lot of tongue. Andi says, “It’s so ironic to be standing next to a geyser because our chemistry is bursting through as well.” That’s not irony Andi, but I get your point. Chemistry does burst. When you fall off of a cliff, do you think you feel it before you die? I’ll bet you have to feel it a little. If chickens can live without their heads for 5 seconds, there’s no way you don’t have time to say ‘ouch’. Anyway, they’re still making out and talking but, I can’t hear them over the ironic geyser spraying.

They group date is next. Juan Pablo is scarfless. What’s the point? The group meets in a field. Everyone is cold. I thought New Zealand was warm? Isn’t it down there near the warm parts? Why was Paul Hogan so tan? Is that a racist statement? Can you be racist when talking about Paul Hogan? It’s ironic that I’m recapping this while watching geysers because the racism is bursting through as well. It’s a good thing this show doesn’t have any rules.

It’s Cassandra’s 22nd birthday. Keep up! Bachelor interns have laid out a picnic lunch for everyone and the girls will surely mention how wonderful Juan Pablo is for doing the work. Bachelor interns should form a labor union.

Everyone drinks from a mug and talks about what the wind is doing to their hair. Juan Pablo takes the girls down a hill to giant hamster balls. It’s fun! They roll down the hill in human-sized hamster balls. I hope Clare’s dad isn’t getting dizzy. They’re all clearly getting to know each other by rolling down hills in giant balls. Juan Pablo isn’t wearing a shirt so, that helps.

Nikki and Juan Pablo make out a lot in their hamster ball. It’s Grown Sexy. I was a little worried that Juan Pablo’s daughter, Camila, might see the making out and think less of her dad but, I trust that Juan Pablo knows best about the exact method of making out that would make Camila lose respect for her dad. He makes out a ton, but Camila would only lose respect for him under certain ‘make out’ situations. If he’s making out under a waterfall or in a giant hamster ball, that’s okay. Camila doesn’t mind that. She probably encourages it.

After hamster ball making out, the group date moves to a hobbit house. I really don’t have words to describe how much I enjoy that last sentence. Juan Pablo grabs Renee to talk about how they made out last week. Then, they made out. There are no geysers to draw parallels from but, Renee does manage to say that she feels like she’s been dating Juan Pablo for 8 months. They’ve been on, like, three dates and this current one involves hamster balls and hobbit houses. I hate this show.
They continue their make out. It’s a special moment. It’s especially special when Juan Pablo brings Nikki out to the exact same spot to make out with fresh ‘Renee’ on his breath. Nikki tells Juan Pablo that she’s falling for him. It’s a big moment to tell the game show prize that you’re falling for him. Juan Pablo shuts her up by making out with her. There’s a lot of tongue. Sometimes, I regret my purchase of a high definition television.

While Nikki and Juan Pablo make out, the rest of the girls sit in the hobbit house and discuss the intensity level of their relationship with the same boyfriend. Who does this? Where do they find people for this show? What kind of girl talks to a girl who is dating her boyfriend about their growing love for said boyfriend? It’s one step away from drinking Kool-aid to prepare for the arrival of a spaceship. I hate this show.

Sharleeen the opera singer is feeling neglected because her boyfriend has 7 other girlfriends. She’s feeling very much like a brown bear, you guys. She gets alone time with Juan Pablo and, instead of talking, they make out. While Sharleen talks about how genuine Juan Pablo is, he interrupts her troublesome talking with his tongue. Chris Harrison was wrong about this show. There is one rule; don’t talk to Juan Pablo. Only make out with him.

Sharleen is frustrated because she wants to talk. I’ll bet it’s difficult for a gorgeous opera singer to share a boyfriend but, I can’t be sure. I’m not a gorgeous opera singer… yet.

They make out more. Who would read this? The non-opera singer girls party in the hobbit house to celebrate Cassandra’s birthday. They’re all close friends who date the same guy, you guys!

The first commercial in the break features an Italian man telling an M&M how he’s going to murder him.

We’re back at the hobbit house. The girls are calling the ‘group date’ rose their precious. There is no way any of these girls saw the movie. Some intern told them to say that.

Cassandra gets the next turn on the make-out bench. Juan Pablo is such a gentleman. He doesn’t even leave his bench to make out with his girlfriends. He just sits there and has the interns bring him the next girl in line. Because it’s her 22nd birthday, Juan Pablo doesn’t make out with Cassandra. I’m shocked. I would have made out with her. Maybe Camila snuck out of bed to watch TV or something and he knew she’d be watching. He’s such a good dad.

Sharleen gets the group date rose. Her friends seem less than happy for her. Some friends…

After giving Sharleen the rose, Juan Pablo pulls Cassandra outside in the rain. He smiles and tells her that she’s one of his special ones. That’s what he says. He says, “You’re one of my special ones.” Then, he dumps her. He’s very genuine. Happy Birthday, Cassanda!

For my 22nd birthday, we got a keg and threw a party in my apartment. We filled the tub with ice, plopped the keg in and waited for the crowd. Three people came to the party. My roommate and I drank beer while showering all week. At least I wasn’t dumped in the rain outside of a hobbit house.

Cassandra cries in the limo. She says that she wants love. There’s no chance of her finding it. She’s not even climbing down something. Cassandra is kind of an idiot. Find a geyser or a rope or something. While Cassandra cries in the limo, Juan Pablo walks around in the rain to think about love. He’s such a genuine guy. He dumped a woman who just poured her heart out on her birthday. Seriously, this guy is the absolute worst in a raging sea of 'worst' water.

After the commercial, ABC reminds us of how much of a good guy Juan Pablo is by showing him Skype with his daughter. It’s really touching. I have to bite the inside of my mouth to keep from crying. Next, he looks out the window and thinks. Cameras capture it.

Juan Pablo picks up Clare for her Juan-on-Juan. They meet in a field. No one is wearing a scarf. Producers make them sit on some rocks. Clare tells the camera that she wants Juan Pablo to apologize for yelling at her for making him have sex in the ocean. Juan Pablo kind of apologizes… kind of. Clare apologizes for wanting an apology. They’re acting like they didn’t have sex. They call it swimming. Again, I’m not positive they had sex. No one knows but Juan Pablo, Clare and Clare’s dad. I may never know. I don’t really want to know. I don’t care. Clare is still talking about boundaries.

If you're going to apologize about ocean sex, sit on some rocks first.
Juan Pablo talks about how he doesn’t like to do inappropriate things in front of his daughter. This show… I swear, I wish so bad I didn’t have to watch it. Clare and Juan Pablo are making out on rocks. It looks super comfortable. Get them a hammock, ABC! You can splurge for planes and hot cave waterfalls but Clare has to sit on rocks? Are there no chairs in New Zealand? They have geysers and hobbit houses.

Clare says, “Today couldn’t have gone any better. Juan Pablo apologized for how he upset me in Vietnam.” That sounds like a full day to me. They go inside to sit on a couch. The couch is in a non-hobbit house. What’s the point?
Juan Pablo asks Clare if she’s falling in love with him. It’s a bold move. I don’t think a Bachelor has ever done that before. Clare gives the long answer. It’s really long. She just keeps talking. She’s like a geyser of words. It’s ironic.

Juan Pablo shakes the date up by changing into sweatpants so they can relax on the couch. Clare is super impressed at how awesome Juan Pablo is for wanting to wear sweatpants. It’s she’s impressed by a man’s ability to wear sweatpants, I would turn her into a river in 3 minutes. They act goofy and it’s super goofy.

They talk more and there are still 40 minutes left. He gives her a rose. It must not be her birthday. In a stunning upset, Clare accepts the rose. After all, he did kind of apologize for making her feel like dirt. They dance and make out and we watch. We all watch. Admit it, guys. You watched. Clare’s dad watched.

When you’re an ABC camera guy and you have to stand in a living room and film two people slow dancing and making out, do you whip out your phone and play Candy Crush or something? Can you tape and crush candy at the same time? They don’t move around a lot. Do you just zone out and think about what meals you’re going to make that week? How come you guys never answer my questions?

The cocktail party is next. Time has just flown. I’m having so much fun.

Before the party, Juan Pablo walks out into a field to look at pictures of his 7 girlfriends. It’s important. Chris Harrison comes out of nowhere to sit down for an interview. I yelp because I totally didn't see it coming. They discuss, in detail, how he’s going to approach dumping one of his remaining girlfriends. It’s important. Clare’s dad nods his head in approval to everything said.

Chris Harrison and Juan Pablo hug after their warm Jueart-to-Jueart. Juan Pablo tells the camera that he likes Chris Harrison because Chris Harrison knows that the point of all of this is finding a future with a woman. It’s true. Chris Harrison knows that. That’s why he makes people climb into caves and get naked pictures taken with dogs while they’re dating several women at once. That’s the only way to see a future with someone.

Nikki and Juan Pablo sit on a bench and he tells her he’s wearing pink underwear. She says that she likes pink underwear. He asks her why. She says, “I just do.” Then, they make out. Why did you read this paragraph? More importantly, why did you read this paragraph and then move on to the next paragraph? Are you some sort of psychopath?

Anyway, psychopath, Juan Pablo pulls Renee outside to talk on a bench. I guess there were no uncomfortable rocks in the cocktail party house. Renee talks about her son. It’s Grown Sexy. Juan Pablo says that there’s nothing more attractive than a woman talking about her kid. My favorite scene in ‘Basic Instinct’ is when Sharon Stone talks about her kid.

After making out with Renee, Juan Pablo brings Chelsie out to a different bench. There are so many benches in New Zealand. Chelsie talks a lot. There’s a ton of talking. She talks about relationships. She’s not talking about her kid so, Juan Pablo is not attracted to her. Also, they’re not climbing down anything so no connections are being made. They hug. Who hugs? What a rip off.

Next, Juan Pablo talks to Kat. I honestly don’t recognize Kat, and I watch this show twice every week. Kat says that she’s been “journaling”. I didn’t know you could make that word into a verb. Kat talks about how her dad was an alcoholic. I’m not sure of how high ‘Alcoholic Dad’ ranks on Juan Pablo’s ‘Hot’ scale but, he doesn’t seem that into it. It’s hard for me to tell. Trying to figure out what Juan Pablo is thinking is like trying to understand squirrel behavior.

The Rose ceremony is next. Chris Harrison talks about how important this week has been. I can’t wait until 2078 when kids will get to read in text books about the important ‘New Zealand’ week of Juan Pablo’s ‘Bachelor’ season.

Juan Pablo dumps Kat. Happy Birthday, Kat! Way to not have a kid to talk about, idiot. Kat cries in the limo like a good girl. She holds it together pretty well. There is zero snot.
Sharleen, the opera singer, is crying more than Kat and she got to stay in New Zealand. Sharleen is confused and thinking about leaving the show. The previews have told us that Sharleen was going to leave the show. She doesn’t. She’s going to give it one more week.

Juan Pablo is down to 6 girlfriends. Holy cow! Who is he going to make out with? Next week, the entire group goes to Miami. I hope they go to a Heat game. (Sports quota filled… at the buzzer!!! DOUBLE SPORTS QUOTA!!!!! I AM A GOLDEN GOD!!!!!!!)

During the credits, Juan Pablo throws sheep poop at his girlfriends.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Bachelor Recap - Having Sex in Vietnam While Your Dad Watches

Clare's Dad Not Pictured
I’ve heard that Eskimos have 40 different words for ‘snow’. I wish Eskimos would watch ‘The Bachelor’ and donate their language versatility to my recaps so I could provide you a different of way saying that something sucks every week.

Unfortunately, I use broken English. You guys will have to settle for sucks, blows, terrible, boring, unwatchable, torturous and tedious. Those are the clubs in my bag. I’m not expanding the bag for Juan Pablo. He’s not worth the effort.

Juan Pablo has 11 girlfriends left. That’s less than a dozen. That’s hardly any girlfriends at all. You can add up all of the girlfriends I’ve ever had in my lifetime and it still doesn’t add up to the number of girlfriends this soccer dad is currently dating but, you know, the number is slowly diminishing.

Also, it’s no longer Juanuary. Today is FebruarJuy 3rd. I’m still going to keep the ‘Juan’ puns going because I’m miserable and need a distraction to keep the vein in my forehead from popping.

We begin the episode with the promise of drama. The preview is extra long because of all of the drama. There’s so much drama that ABC shows us 3 minutes of clips of the drama instead of just actually showing the drama.

The fun bunch is in Vietnam. Juan Pablo is alone on a boat with his shirt on so he can think about love. He says that he’s excited to see what Vietnam has in store for him. I hope it’s bacterial. Juan Pablo says that it’s time to take it to the next level. I don’t know what that means but, he doesn’t either so it doesn’t really matter.

The girls show up next. They have a mansion because, whatever. There’s a lot of gasping and gleeful screaming. Every single girl says that it’s the coolest place they’ve ever been. No one here is an Eskimo.

There will be a pair of Juan-on-Juan dates and a group date. Renee gets the first date. Her friends all cheer for her because they’re happy about all of the alone time she’ll have to bond with and touch their boyfriend. Everything is completely natural.

They show a cut-away of Renee jumping up and down to celebrate the fact that she gets a Juan-on-Juan date. She’s wearing different clothes from when she gets the date card. It’s a separate interview portion spliced into the ‘date card’ coverage. That means a producer off-camera had to ask her something like, “How’d you feel when you found out your name was on the date card?” and Renee probably said something like, “I was so excited” and the producer said, “How excited? Excited enough to jump up and down? Could you do that? Can you act excited and then jump up and down and we’ll splice it into the scene where you get the date card? I’d like to re-create the excitement and this is the best way I know how. See, I’m useless. We have no more ideas for this show. We’ve been rolling out the same theme for every episode on every season. We haven’t had a fresh idea since we had that one armed girl climb down a building. Later, in this episode, there will be more climbing. We really like the whole climbing thing. We’re just going to do that until they cancel this mistake of a broadcast. This whole thing is a quote, by the way.”

When Renee is done recreating excitement, she leaves for her date. The rest of the girls wish her luck and that makes sense. It also makes sense that a camera guy stands 2-feet away from her to film her putting on make up.
Renee says that she’s nervous and that Juan Pablo makes her hands hurt. Nothing makes sense. Guys shouldn’t make your hands hurt. She wants to kiss Juan Pablo, just so you know the stakes.

"Do your hands hurt when I pull on your hair?"
Juan Pablo and Renee walk through Hoi An. No one has climbed down anything yet so, there’s no chance of love. Juan Pablo puts Renee in an adult stroller. They smile at Vietnamese people. When everyone’s heartbeat slows down from that thrill ride, they go to a shop to have clothes made or something. Renee spends the entire time gushing about how much she likes Juan Pablo. She’s impressed that Juan Pablo came up with the idea of having a dress made. She mentions nothing of the ABC producer who actually came up with the idea. Juan Pablo and Renee buy gifts for the children they’ve both abandoned.

Next, they get on a boat. Seriously, go read a book or something. Go watch Youtube footage of people playing Mario Kart. Do anything else but read this recap. I already hate this recap. This show is brutal.

I don’t know what happened to the boat because it’s already nighttime  and Renee has her custom-made dress on. They’re not on a boat anymore and no one is climbing. This date isn’t going well. Everyone is at sea level.

They eat on TV. It’s super romantic and boring. They talk about how amazing everything is. It is, you guys. Claire’s dad is probably digging this restaurant. Juan Pablo talks about how Renee is an example of a good mom. I don’t know how but, I wasn’t in Vietnam.

Renee really wants Juan Pablo to kiss her. She’s kind of desperate about it. Juan Pablo gives her a rose but he doesn’t kiss her. I think it’s because they haven’t climbed down anything but, again, I’m not the one in Vietnam. Maybe Claire’s dad knows.

ABC forces some Vietnam ladies to give Renee a lantern. They’re supposed to push their lantern into the water to make a wish. Every season a Bachelor goes to Asia and makes a wish with a lantern. It’s never NOT happened. I need to go to Asia and ‘lantern’ wish this show away. Renee gets a rose.

We move on to the group date. I’d yell at you to keep up but, no one is reading this and I’m glad. Juan Pablo takes his harem down to the Juater to pair up and get inside of boats. Clare gets her own boat with Juan Pablo and her dad. The rest of the girls hate her for it. Juan Pablo and Clare and Clare’s dad get caught in some leaves so they make out. More hate radiates from the other boats and the passengers of said boats.

They get out of the boats and proceed to not climb down anything. No one is falling in love. Juan Pablo takes his girls into some family’s home to eat dinner and the girls act really impressed by his casual breaking and entering. He’s so cool to just ask to eat at a stranger’s house. Juan Pablo is so spontaneous and interesting. I can hardly believe how unplanned it was the way an ABC production crew entered into the home, as planned, to make sure it was properly lit and mic’d for sound and then they made the Vietnamese family sign waivers to release their images for broadcast use. Juan Pablo is super spontaneous.

The spontaneous family happened to have 12 hats for everyone to wear. The girls walk into a field to harvest their dinner. There’s farming. I’m watching farming. I miss K-Pop. Andi complains about being on a group date. Her grievance lasts 4 seconds because Juan Pablo makes her smile. He’s so calming, you guys. I’m totally calm.

Everyone eats their farm food on TV. I hope cameras are able to capture the ensuing explosive diarrhea. After they eat, they go to a Vietnamese pool to drink alcohol and hate Clare. Clare gets more alone time and it’s totally not fair. Juan Pablo takes Clare to a swimming pool so her dad can watch them make out. Luckily, Bachelor interns had their bathing suits ready. There’s a lot of slurping.

With the taste of Clare fresh on his tongue, Juan Pablo takes Sharleen, the opera singer girl, down to the beach. Sharleen still isn’t sure about her connection to Juan Pablo. They still haven’t climbed down a building or into a cave so, how could she be sure?

Without warning, I’m struck by the greatest quote in Bachelor history:

Sharleen says, “I need to believe that he sees me as a panda in a room full of brown bears.”

I can’t even… What in the hell does that even mean? I have no idea but I’m going to use that line in every conversation I have for the rest of my life.

Juan Pablo and Sharleen make out. I wonder if she can taste Clare. They show a lot of tongue. It’s not even PG-13 tongue. It’s NC-17 tongue. I know this is going to sound crazy but, I’m getting kind of tired of seeing Juan Pablo’s tongue. I’ve seen less of Gene Simmons’ tongue.

Juan Pablo drags Andi down to the exact same spot on the beach that he just tongue-bathed Sharleen. There is more slurping. Andi apologizes to her mom for making out on national television. She’s the first contestant to ever apologize to her mom. I give Andi 3 Bachelor points. Sports quota filled, I guess. I don’t know. Who cares? I thought I told you to go read something else.

Clare gets the group date rose. The rest of the girls turn up their ‘hate radios’ to 10. Clare’s dad watches the rest of the girls hate his daughter. You guys, I hate Clare.

Clare pours more hate chum into the ocean by sneaking up to Juan Pablo’s Juotel suite. You guys, that’s not fair. There should be a rule. I know that Chris Harrison says at the beginning of the season that there are no rules but, there should be some rules. This anarchy that ABC is proposing will be our downfall.

Juan Pablo and Clare wake up the Bachelor interns who are in charge of their swimwear so they can frolic into the ocean. Juan Pablo says that he agreed to follow Clare because he wants to get to know her better. First of all, they’re not climbing down a building or mountain so, how are they going to get to know each other? Secondly, they’re just going to lick each others' teeth. Again, no rules.

It's pretty Clare what's Happening Juere.
We watch Clare and Juan Pablo run into the ocean. We’re able to watch this because of the two ABC camera guys who had to run after them to capture their late-night make out session. There is some serious straddling going on. I can’t be sure, because I wasn’t in Vietnam but, I think they’re having sex. It’s difficult to determine because I can’t get close enough to see for sure. Luckily, Clare’s dad is watching so he knows.

Clare says, “We just went for it and I don’t regret it.” That sounds an awful lot like a woman who just had sex in Vietnam.

While Clare and Juan Pablo have sex, ABC shows the moon. In describing her love for Juan Pablo, Clare says, “You know when a baby giraffe is born, and they have those wobbly legs?” You guys, I don’t think I love my wife because I’ve never felt like a baby giraffe before!

If you’re keeping score at home, this is the earliest the Bachelor has ever had sex with one of the contestants. We’re not even in single digits yet. I guess it’s because he’s Venezuelan and they use the Metric system.

Nikki gets the other Juan-on-Juan date. You guys, I totally forgot how evil Nikki is because I was concentrating on how evil Clare is. It’s so hard to keep track.

Cameras capture Nikki putting on make-up. These guys are so lucky. Nikki says that she’s come to Vietnam to find love and she’s ready for it. Juan Pablo should be pretty relaxed for his date because he recently had sex with one of his other girlfriends.

This doesn't look like love.
Nikki is wearing a headband like Andromeda in ‘Clash of the Titans’ (the original). ‘Clash of the Titans’ marks the first time that I ever saw a woman’s butt. It was a big moment for me. I guess the association still works because I’m digging Nikki’s headband. Nikki says, “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be right now than on a 1-on-1 date with Juan Pablo.” She totally ripped that off of Marv Levy.

Juan Pablo takes Nikki to a cave to climb down into the cave. FINALLY! LOVE CAN HAPPEN BECAUSE THERE’S CLIMBING!

Nikki is super scared about the climbing because she’s afraid of heights. I don’t mean to be a jerk but, it’s not really heights. The cave goes down. That’s the opposite of heights. The cave is called hell. They’re going to hell. I’ll enjoy the company.

Nikki swears and cries because she’s never had to make a single effort to please a man before. We’re all adjusting. Nikki shakes off her fear and tells Juan Pablo that she trusts him. Yes, Nikki, because Juan Pablo is the guy to trust here. Not the ABC people who set up the stupid cave date or the professional cave people who will take the measures to ensure you don’t die, or the rope you’ll use for the climb. Trust the Venezuelan guy with abs and a 7-word vocabulary. You know, Nikki, this relationship isn’t working for me anymore. I don’t even like the headband now.

Nikki is still a little scared. She weighs her options. She says, “I either live, or I die, or I poop my pants.” She totally ripped that off of Marv Levy.

The happy couple climbs down into the cave. Nikki is super nervous. She’s making me nervous. You guys are nervous too, admit it. I’ll bet Clare’s dad is totally covering his eyes.

Nikki whines a bunch but she climbs down into the cave. As contractually obligated by ABC, Nikki compares climbing down into a cave to falling in love. Every goddamned season.

The cave climbing takes forever. The music isn’t even really that dramatic. It’s just a bunch of talking. Eventually, they make out. Nikki says that making out with Juan Pablo gives her the courage to keep climbing. I punch my couch. I hope that ABC made a Country Music artist climb down into the cave to hold a private concert for Nikki and Juan Pablo!

When they get to the bottom, they make out a bunch.

Later, Juan Pablo and Nikki sit on a bench and talk. Thank God you guys stopped reading this recap. Nikki talks about taking care of sick kids. She says, “I think I’m super compassionate and I think I have a huge heart.” You kids at home should know that it’s not okay to talk about yourself like this. Juan Pablo doesn’t care because gives her a rose. They did climb down into a cave so he was powerless to deny the love that has formed.

Nikki is excited about falling in love with Juan Pablo. She tries to describe how she’s feeling. She says, “I feel like I’ve just stuck my finger into a light socket.” Why do these women keep equating hand pain to love?

Juan Pablo gets real descriptive about his feelings for Nikki. He says, “I like how she thinks. I’m liking her heart… a lot.”

The cocktail party is next. They make the girls ride a boat to get there. No one is wearing a life preserver. Good job, ABC. Nice boat safety.

Juan Pablo kicks the party off right by reminding all of the girls that three of them will be dumped by the end of the night. He is spontaneous, I will give him that. The girls are all really depressed. Clare makes a toast to making love… which she did… in the ocean… on National TV… in Vietnam… while her dad watched.

Juan Pablo tries to decide which girls to dump. He’s having a hard time because they’re all pretty good looking. He’s a really good guy because it’s hard for him to dump three of his girlfriends. He makes out with a few of them to get a good gauge of who to keep around.

Renee tries to talk to Juan Pablo and he kisses her to make her stop talking. She finally got her kiss. She spins in a circle. Not when it happened. She spun in a circle after ABC producers asked her during the interview session to describe how it felt the moment Juan Pablo kissed her. They said, “Did you feel like spinning in a circle? Do you think you could spin for us now so we can tape it and then splice your spinning into the footage of your after-kiss conversation?”

Renee says that the kiss was perfect. She is so excited that she doesn’t realize that he kissed her to get her to stop talking about her son. That’s the way it appeared to me but, I’m not sure. I wasn’t in Vietnam.

After making out with Renee, Juan Pablo walks off to be alone to think about whether or not having sex with Clare in front of her dad and America was a good idea. He says, “Was I fair to be with Clare?” He says that. He really does.

Juan Pablo is upset because he has just realized that his daughter Camila is going to watch her father have sex with Clare in Vietnam. Why didn’t he just get Camila a V-chip or something? Nice parenting.

Juan Pablo is all sorts of broken up about his sex-having. He pulls Clare aside to voice his regret. She doesn’t handle it well. He says that they shouldn’t have more sex until he has fewer girlfriends. Clare wants to keep having sex with Juan Pablo in Vietnam oceans. There’s a lot of snot and crying. Clare feels like  brown bear in a room full of brown bears as well as an additional panda. Juan Pablo begs her to stop crying. She eventually does and thank God. Clare is confused. I’m confused. You guys are confused too, admit it.

After the commercial break, Clare is still crying, even though she said she would stop. She promised, you guys. This show has no rules. She's going to get dehydrated.  Juan Pablo tells her to stop crying again. He says, “Just delete it”. I don’t know what he’s talking about either.

The rose ceremony is next. With all of Clare’s crying, Juan Pablo has hardly had enough time to decide which 3 of his girlfriends he’s going to dump. It’s so unfair, you guys. ABC plays tender music while Juan Pablo talks about how tough it is to dump girlfriends. Then, he dumps Danielle, Alli and the dog girl. I don’t remember the other two but I remember the dog girl. I can’t remember her name. They don’t put it on the screen at the end. They don’t even let her say goodbye. What the hell happened there? Why couldn’t the dog girl cry in the limo? They’re supposed to let her say goodbye. This show has no rules.

Dog girl lost. She still has her dog. Maybe now she can feed it.

Next week, Juan Pablo dumps more of his girlfriends… possibly after having sex with one or more of them. I can’t be sure. I’m not in Vietnam.

Greg Bauch is a shell of a man.