Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Bachelor Pad Recap- The Power Couples Will Destroy Us All

My favorite part of Bachelor Pad is the recap from the week before. Casey Mumbles saying, “Jake’s a snake” is the height of comedy. I rewound it 40 times. Last week, Jake went home, even though my recap may have read otherwise. (It was 1:30 in the morning! It’s a confusing show!)

They showed Jake’s goodbye speech. It was quite touching, a diatribe about taking out the power couples. I’ll bet Jake’s speech is exactly what Bill Murray whispers into Scarlett Johansen’s ear at the end of ‘Lost in Translation’.

I totally hear Jake and vow to myself to seek out any power couples in my neighborhood and squash them. If you are a member of a power couple, get ready to get thrown out of your mansion, America.

Now, without Jake, the show is so much less classy. No one seems like they’re constantly about to punch girls. The good thing is that there is more quality time for me to hate everyone else.

We begin this week’s adventure with the bomb-drop announcement that there will be a kissing contest; the 2nd annual kissing contest. It’s only 2nd annual because they’re not counting my last 12 family reunions.
Many of the contestants are put off by the idea of a kissing contest and immediately bow out. Michele Money didn’t want to set a bad example for her kid at home. I remember how reserved she was having sex with a man in a swimming pool a few ‘Bachelor’ seasons ago.

Blake was the only guy who went all out with the smooching. He didn’t kiss Vienna because she’s a dude and would lose a beauty pageant to an earthworm.

The girls went buckwild with the smooch time. Erica, the horrible plastic piece of collagen, cleaned some fillings. She’s a triple threat of ugly; her face, her personality and her voice. It sounds like she has whooping cough.
None of the girls wanted to kiss Casey Mumbles because he had bad breath. Perhaps that’s why he doesn’t open his mouth when he talks.

Ella and Blake won the contest because they were actually trying. They get 1-on-1 dates and a freedom rose. Ella described one of her kisses as “a baby-making kiss”. Once again, the public school systems have failed us. She also remarked that her son would be so proud. If my mom won a rose for frenching herpes-ridden men on National Television, I know my heart would swell with pride.

Ella takes Kirk/Kurt for pizza and S’mores. Did you know that my computer doesn’t recognize any spelling for the word ‘S’mores’? So, if it’s spelled wrong, take it up with the government. Kirk/Kurt told the story about how he almost died from mold exposure. Ella talked about how her Mom was shot to death right in front of her and her sister by their Step Dad. It was some real ‘Laugh out Loud’ television.

Ella and Kirt/Kurk jump on a hot-air balloon. You could see a lot of her boobs. They made out in the balloon and I cried because my Mom was pushed out of a hot-air balloon in front of me and my sister by my Step Dad.

Back at the house, Crazy Melissa and Blake re-kindled their flame for the 8th time this season. They made a pact that he’d take her on his date and guarantee both of their immunity for the week. Then, disgusting princess girl Erica pulls Blake aside to give him a dirty massage. She tries to convince Blake to take her on the date. She offers to have sex with him, basically. I wish Erica had a child so that they could be proud too.

Blake announces that he’s taking Holly on the date. Crazy Melissa starts to sharpen her toothbrush into a shiv. Holly’s former break-dancing fiancĂ©, Michael, is also now angry at Blake for trying to move in on his woman.

I will admit that this stupid move by this stupid boy makes this show incredibly interesting; much like a lump of dog poo would be interesting if worms were crawling through it. Sure, it’s disgusting, but it’s much more interesting than plain dog poo with no parasitic worms.

Editor’s note: Before you get mad at Greg, we all were pushing for him to get more ‘dog poo’ content in his recaps. It’s really a mandate from Corporate. They’ve handed down a mandatory 8% ‘dog poo’ content prerequisite.

There is a solid 14 minute segment of Melissa being a psycho because she’s lost her dentist boyfriend. I didn’t hear most of it. The other part of it was bleeped out.

I tune back in mentally when Blake makes Melissa wait outside of the bathroom as he finishes brushing his teeth. It’s just 45 seconds of Melissa’s tortured face accompanied by the sound of an electric toothbrush. Well done, Bachelor Pad producers.

Michael is wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I Heart Water’.

Blake and Holly head out on their date. They take A PRIVATE BLEEPING JET to a ski lodge. Holly is super terrified because she can’t ski. I scream out, “Don’t worry girl!” from my couch but I forgot the show is taped so she can’t hear me.

There’s lots of footage of her falling and laughing. Just so you can understand that there is a lot of footage of her falling and laughing, I needed to point that out again. You need to know that she falls a lot and laughs a lot. There’s just so much falling and laughing.

Holly talks about how perfect the date is. That’s good information for Blake in the future. If he wants to hit a home run on a future date, just tickle her and throw her down the Alps.

Bachelor Pad takes a break from the hilarious ski date to show Michael back at the Mansion, longing for his ex-fiance’ Holly. The music provided for this footage is touching. I think Michael hearts Holly almost as much as he hearts water. ABC manages to get him in front of the fireplace with his shirt off.

Back at the ski lodge, Holly stops laughing long enough to accept a rose from Blake. They spend the night at the lodge to talk and make out and fall and laugh. If they’re not careful, they’ll become a power couple. It’s like they didn’t even listen to Jake’s speech about power couples.

When Blake and Holly get home, Michael runs to pull Holly aside to tell her he loves her. He does that crying whisper talk thing he’s gotten so good at. The last word of every sentence is just a breath. I talked like that from the age of 8-to-12. I need a font to let my readers know which words I’m thinking and which words I’m whispering…. Because… I want you guys to know… that… I really care about you.

Holly admits she kissed Blake. Michael cries and whispers. I head down to the fridge to get a snack. I mean, I tell my wife that I was getting a snack but… I was really just standing behind the refrigerator door… crying.

The rose Ceremony is next. One girl and one guy are going home.

Casey mentions a guy name ‘Bill’ and I ask my wife, “Who is Bill?” We discuss it for a moment and then remember that there’s a guy named William on the show. He hasn’t said a word for 4 episodes.

Michael and Holly ignore everyone to have their own special, secret date. Michael wants to rekindle their love and form a couple. Hopefully, it won't be a power couple. As I write this, I realize that my Mom and Dad have been married for 50 years. They are a mega-power couple. I need to break up my parents before they destroy everything.

During the commercial break, there is a live reveal for the cast of the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Do you know how you act when a bug lands on your shirt? That’s how fast I swatted away that 3 minutes of hell. The Bachelor Pad is bad. Nothing will ever be worse than Dancing with the Stars.

The final verdict is in and Crazy Melissa goes home. Casey Mumbles has the line of the night after lying to Melissa about his vote, “I told Melissa that I voted for Erica because I seriously thought she was going to cut my bleeps off.”

The women send William home. They must have grown sick of his never saying anything ever.

Melissa takes the news well. She jams newspaper into the gas tank of the ABC limo and sets it on fire. The revolver she shoots into the air eventually runs out of bullets, so she grabs a boom mic from one of the crew members and beats him to death. The cast is obviously stunned by this. Michael becomes very emotional. He takes his rose… and places it on the body of the dead boom mic operator…
because he was just doing his job… and he didn’t deserve this… and I’ll miss him.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Bachelor Pad Recap- Expanding my Capacity for Hate

I would like to take a brief moment to thank ABC for eliminating co-host Melissa Raycroft from the show. In adding nothing, Melissa always managed to annoy me. I also found it absurd that anyone would think hosting the Bachelor Pad by himself was something that Chris Harrison couldn’t do.

There is a ton of drama this week on the Bachelor Pad.

Kirk/Kurt says it best, “The power couples are struggling!”

Did you know that America? Could you sense the struggling of the power couples?

Casey Mumbles and the dude Vienna are losing their control over the house. They’re hell-bent on getting Jake sent home. Jake, the pilot, continues to not fly planes.

Melisa is out of her mind and is screaming to anyone who will listen about Blake and his cheating ways. Blake, who admittedly doesn’t like Melisa, knows that his time on the Bachelor Pad is limited.

The immunity competition is a new low in the ABC catalog of crap. The group is required to learn and perform a synchronized swimming routine. A panel of judges was brought in to pick out the best boy and girl.

Viewers are treated to a 20 minute sequence of synchronized swim training. The guys all have their shirts off. The girls do not. I’m fading fast.

When practice is over, the bullets go into the gun. The panel of judges is announced. One is an Olympic judge or something. The other two are Dave and Natalie, the winners of last season’s Bachelor Pad. They are terrible people.

At one point during the competition, the horrid princess woman points out how big parts of Jake are and ABC provides us with a zoom in of that portion of Jake.

The women are terrible at synchronized swimming. The men are not. Michael gets the rose for the men. He’s a professional Break-dancer, so it’s not fair. Michelle Money got the rose for the women. She’s a professional slut. The winners get to choose three people to take on a pointless date.

Before the dates, the horrid princess woman jumps in a bed with Jake and they partner up. If these two ever mated, their children would come into the world holding straight razors and frothing at the mouth.

Then, Casey Mumbles and Vienna argue but I can’t understand what they’re saying. It’s so hard to constantly describe how much I hate these people. I feel like I use one paragraph to explain how putrid this horrid princess woman is, and then I’m onto the next paragraph explaining how bad Vienna is. It’s like a tennis match of hate.

Michelle takes 3 guys on her date. She chooses Graham, Casey Mumbles and Blake. They head to a vineyard.

First, there is a ton of pointless talking. If I tried to describe it to you, you would close this window and move on to a more interesting website. After the talking, Michelle makes out with Graham. ABC picks the perfect music for their make out session. It’s like Kenny G got really horny and high and someone was lucky enough to record it. Michelle gives Graham the rose because she likes the taste of his tongue. I think that, if Michelle Money actually had a heart, it would belong to Graham.

Michael gets three girls for his date. He takes Vienna, Ella and Holly. Holly doesn’t want anything to do with Michael, even though he’s a cute break dancer. Michael is infatuated with Holly and will cry a lot for the next half hour.

The young lovers go horse-back riding. Holly says, “I personally love horses”. How else would you love them, professionally?

Michael and Holly spend time alone so she can make him cry. He does cry, America. There is a ton of soft piano played under his crying. He cries and talks about how lonely he feels sleeping alone. Then he does that crying whisper talk while telling Holly that she’s beautiful. Then they hug and he cries more. Then, Brett Michaels from Poison sits 6-feet in front of them and plays ‘Every Rose has its Thorn’ on his guitar and he cries. I’m not kidding about the Brett Michaels thing, by the way.

Brett Michaels talks to Michael and Holly about souls and relationships. I look around the room to make sure I’m not in hell.

Why does ABC think it’s such a good idea to have musical artists play in front of two people? It’s so incredibly uncomfortable. I would rather ride a bike with no seat down a mountain.

Back at the house, Melissa is hating Blake and he decides to pretend to like her again so he isn’t sent home. Melissa talks, but she is so far out of her mind that ABC has to put up subtitles. They agree to rub against each other again.

Blake and Jake (which totally rhymes) team up because they know they’re both on the chopping block. Jake is not really on the chopping block because the Produces wouldn’t let him get sent home if he murdered 8 people on camera.

Jake makes out with the horrid princess woman while her voiceover tells the audience how often she gets Botox injections. For a brief moment, she’s worse than Vienna.

Speaking of Vienna, Casey Mumbles gives her a promise ring for their 6-month anniversary and then sings to her. You need to hear Casey Mumbles sing. There is nothing funnier. Every Monty Python, Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielson movie combined is a zero on the comedic scale compared to Casey Mumbles singing.

For the 15 minutes after Casey sings, there’s a bunch of yelling and screaming. I hate everything on the show that isn’t Casey singing.

At the Rose Ceremony, Melissa cries and threatens to leave. She’s 6 kinds of crazy. Jake convinces her to stay so they can form an alliance.

Chris Harrison walks in to inform the group that all of the ladies are safe and that one man will be going home. They send Casey home. ABC treats the moment like the Sopranos finale.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Greg edits his own recaps. He wrote this at 1 a.m. and failed to comprehend that, by saying Casey's name, Chris Harrison actually sent Jake home. So Jake is eliminated, not Casey Mumbles. Thanks to Kelsey for pointing this out to me. I'm an idiot. None of this matters, but I should also at least get the correct name of the person sent home for anyone who reads down this far.

I’m not sure what you guys get out of these recaps but, I can’t be delivering. This is some awful television. Thank you for reading this, but I would completely understand if you not only stop reading but also sent a letter to Entercom, asking that I be fired.

It should be pointed out how disgusting Vienna looked throughout this entire episode.

Update on Bean Bag Face and Jackie: Lindsay from promotions (who would be so much better at writing these recaps than me) has informed me that Bean Bag Face and Jackie are no longer together. Lindsay suspects that the whole scene of Bean running after Jackie’s limo to be with her forever was a ploy by ABC to make Bean more attractive to viewers as the next Bachelor. I would love it if Bean Bag Face was the next Bachelor. Any season crawling with Magnolia trees is a good season.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Bachelor Pad Recap- Bean Bag Face Finds Love!

ABC takes their foot off of the gas a bit to give us all a break. Bachelor Pad is only 2 hours this week.

Casey Mumbles wants to punch Jake for America. Since he can’t punch him, he’s going to punch Jake mentally.
Jake takes a lot of time to explain that he’s not a jerk. (He’s been doing that for years.)

There’s a lot going on here, people. Try to keep up.
We start off the week with a challenge; ‘Target on your Back’.
Half the group wears blindfolds while the other half throws eggs at them. This show tears down all boundaries.

Everyone wants to win because, if they don’t, they’re on the chopping block. I forgot how much the phrase ‘chopping block’ was used. I’ll bet butchers hate Bachelor Pad.
Casey is wearing a T-shirt this week with ‘Jenious’ written on it.
Chris Harrison directs where the paint-filled eggs will be thrown by asking random dumb questions like, “Who do you think is the least attractive?” and “Who do you want to leave?” No one throws eggs at Chris Harrison. It doesn’t really matter who you hit with the egg, as long as you hit someone. The game is as stupid as Casey Mumbles. Mellisa wins and has immunity.

Princess woman is hideous.

When it’s the guys turn to throw, everyone threw eggs at her. This show is stupid, but it was fun to watch this hideous woman get pegged with eggs for 15 minutes. She just stood there, blindfolded, feeling exactly how she’s made everyone she’s ever met feel her entire life. She’s even being awful to people while explaining how terrible she felt while being singled out for being awful.

(Editor’s Note: Greg doesn’t know any other words aside from ‘awful’ and ‘terrible’ but, to be fair, these are the only two words you really need to describe these people.)

Michael, the break dancer guy, won the immunity rose for the men. He and Melissa bring a bunch of people on a date and I feel stupider for each word of this recap I type.

For the group date, ABC sends our diseased friends to a haunted house. Michael says it best, “It’s the scariest date in Bachelor history”. Michael, Hideous Princess, Michelle Money and Holly are heading to spookyville. Remember readers, MICHAEL AND HOLLY USED TO BE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED!!!!!111!!!1ELEVENTY

I should note that it’s very hard for Michelle Money to be in a room full of people and not be the most awful person, but this is the case when the ugly princess is around.
“Abandoned asylums and hospitals are my least favorite places”, Michael says to set the mood for stupidity. ABC busts out the night vision goggles to give us that annoying ‘Blair Witch’ sensation. Of course, these broads are wearing 4 inch heels while marching through the haunted halls of Vanerbloom mansion.

Michelle Money and Holly talk about relationships. I check out mentally for a while. When I rejoin the program, Michelle Money and Michael are talking about relationships. I cry a little. Michael gives the rose to Holly BECAUSE THEY USED TO BE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!11111!!!

They spend some extra time on the roof of the haunted mansion because it’s super romantic. There’s a lot of talking. Michael admits that he’s still in love with Holly and starts crying. And, when he starts crying, Holly starts crying and when Holly starts crying, I start crying and now everyone is crying. The Bachelor Pad makes me feel so smart. When I’m watching the Bachelor Pad, I’m a Mechanical Engineer.

I drifted off again and Michael and Holly are still talking and crying. I’ve had meals that ended quicker than this scene. I’m suddenly watching one of the Twilight movies. Holy cow, I’m typing and he’s still crying. Michael is like Dick Vermeil. If you’re reading this and don’t get that reference, get the hell off of a Sports station’s website!

We’re back from a break and Bean Bag Face and Jackie are making out. If you’re reading this and don’t know who Bean Bag Face is, get the hell off of a Sports station’s website!

Melissa’s date is next. She takes Casey Mumbles, Blake the Dentist and Kirk or Kurt, I can’t remember. It’s a K-name. I like Melissa. She probably throws things out of her window while she drives, but she comes across as nice on TV. They go out on a boat and jump into the ocean. There’s not much more I can embellish about the date. That’s what they do.

Back at the house, Jake has realized that everyone hates him so he’s going to ask Vienna to help him survive the Bachelor Pad. If you could only hear the music ABC plays while Jake is walking up to ask Vienna for help. It’s the kind of music you would hear if someone was stealing the Mona Lisa.

They take a break and then replay the same 4 minutes again of Jake asking Vienna to go outside. Vienna says, “No”. Then, the women of the house are left to debate what the rest of America is debating, “Who is the bad one, Vienna or Jake?” The answer, America, is ‘both’.

We’re back on the boat and Blake the Dentist and Melissa are making out. Blake doesn’t like Melissa, but he wants to win a quarter of a million dollars. Blake admits to the camera that he’s a whore. My wife cries out, “You’re a jerk too!” Bachelor Pad Producers, you’ve done your homework!

The smooching worked. Melissa gives Blake a rose, even after promising it to Casey Mumbles. I’m just as shocked as you. I wasn’t even going to write a recap tonight, but I was so outraged by what Melissa did to Casey Mumbles.

Melissa and Blake make out a little more before the commercial.

When we get back from the break, Blake is caught hanging out with Holly while Melissa walks in, expecting more lovin’ from the dentist. Holy Love Triangle! Melissa is obviously hurt, but she can’t do anything about it. She already gave Blake a rose. Now, Melissa is bawling and I remember how crazy she is. Everyone is crazy and crying. I have a headache.

“She’s on this island of serenity, and I just want to get on a rowboat and row out to this island, but I can’t because this typhoon of Melissa keeps knocking me over.”- quote by Blake about Holly.

“The way to win this game is to take out the Power Couples!” – words of wisdom from Gia about Bachelor Pad. It’s like Vince Lombardi was reincarnated into a hot, dumb broad.

Gia and some dude plot to break up Casey Mumbles and Vienna and send them home. I wish you guys could see Bulldog’s face while he reads these recaps. Don’t worry. He doesn’t read down this far, so I’m safe mentioning it.

We’re back from commercial and it’s almost over. It’s the elimination ceremony. Jake tries again to talk to Vienna and she accepts that invitation. Casey Mumbles is there for the begging session. The freak-show couple just yells at Jake and, in so many words, they tell him that they won’t be helping him stay on the Bachelor Pad. It’s an annoying exchange of words. The music, again, makes it seem like it’s the most important thing that has ever happened.

Casey Mumbles and Vienna make out some more. It’s as sexually enticing as watching armadillos mate, not that I watch armadillos mate… much.

Chris Harrison earns his keep with a group interview to “get the vibe in the house”.

Vienna yells at Chris Harrison and ABC for making her see Jake again. Harrison tells her that, if she doesn’t like it, she should get in a cab and go home.

Then he tells the group that no men are going home, only two women. It’s jaw-droppingly ohmygoodnessly amazingly shocking!

Vienna freaks out and threatens to go home. She’s uglier than sin, by the way. Vienna doesn’t go home, so it’ll come down to a vote.

Casey Mumbles talks to Gia and I don’t understand a word he says. Luckily, Gia speaks ‘Mumble’ and gets really upset. Gia threatens to walk off of the show. Then, they run over to a group of people and there’s shouting, and I can’t understand any of it.

Gia goes to pack her bags. She’s an underwear model, but there isn’t an underwear model in this world hot enough to make me want to put up with that much stupidity.

Chris Harrison stops Gia at the gate to make sure she’s ready to throw her chances at the cash away. She’s ready. Bye-bye, Gia. You’re hot and dumb.

With Gia’s departure, only one person is sent home at the end. It’s Jackie I gasped. Bean Bag Face and Jackie are in love. Now, they’ll be torn apart. But, Bean Bag Face is so super-romantic that he leaves the show and runs off to the limo as Jackie is driving away. I love Bean Bag Face.

Ella puts it best, “They’re gonna make babies and I’m going to love it!”

Then, Bean Bag Face puts it even better, “I think we just won Bachelor Pad 2.”
You said it, Bean Bag Face. You said it.

(Side Note: I would like to say that this show is fixed if a plastic, horrible woman who everyone threw eggs at for being horrible is not given one cast-off vote. Everyone threw their eggs at the Princess witch when Chris Harrison asked who should be sent home. Then, 3 hours later, there isn't one word mentioned about her being voted off.)

As the group turns away from the limo, transporting Jackie and Bean Bag Face to the nearest Magnolia tree, the camera turns to the Princess-witch who is feeding straight from a live Golden Retriever puppy’s neck. The blood sprays everywhere. The Bachelor Pad crew tries to rip the puppy from her hands but she holds it above her head and screams out something in Latin. The ground around her feet starts on fire. She devours the puppy whole while cackling laughter. I’m glad I stayed up to watch the end.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Greg Bauch Likes This

Greg Bauch likes this.

I Snore. I Don't Kill Kittens

The problem with snoring is the amount of hate in your loving wife's eyes as she pushes you awake with the fury or a Kraken. (Or a thousand Krakens if you want to sound like a blind witch)

I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just sleeping.

This woman, whose voice could normally calm an attack dog, viciously wakes me out of a sound sleep by elbowing me in the small of the back and yelling, "Greg! Roll over!"

Now, it's up to you, the reader, to make that quote sound like Bobby Knight yelling at an official.

She's really mad at me and I've done nothing wrong.

I understand why she's mad, I guess. She's just trying to fall asleep and there's a guy next to her making a noise that, I can only imagine, sounds like a running chainsaw being scraped across a chain-link fence.

What I don't understand is how she never gets used to this sound. I could eventually learn to sleep on an aircraft carrier tarmac if I had to. It would probably take me a week. She's had 12 years. My L-4 disc is permanently dislodged from the 'People's Elbow' applied nightly.

I think I now know what it must be like to be a spider. You're just minding your own business, being a spider, when my wife walks into the room and screams and then sends me in to kill you with toilet paper.

It's a hard life for me and spiders. We're just being us.

Maybe next time I'm sent to kill a spider, I'll just palm it and throw it into her gaping mouth as she sleeps. Then, when she wakes up screaming, I'll elbow her in the back.

I should be a marriage counselor.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Bachelor Pad Recap- Please Don't Read This

This world is full of egregious injustices; the cost of fountain pop at movie theatres, blacked out Pittsburgh Pirate games in Buffalo, Blues Brothers 2000. No criminal enterprise can top ABC and the punishing 3 HOUR SEASON PREMIERE THEY ROLLED OUT MONDAY NIGHT!
3 hours is a prison sentence. My brother Donny was grounded for less than 3 hours when shot a cap gun at our Chihuahua until it jumped off of the top porch of our South Buffalo home. (Editor’s note: the dog survived without a scrape and lived an additional 14 years.) Why is ABC doing this to me? I didn’t shoot a dog. I’m a good person.

Nonetheless, ABC hates me and rolled out a 3-hour botox-fest Monday night. I promised my readers that I would not watch the Bachelor Pad and certainly would not recap the Bachelor Pad. My wife worked super late Monday night so the Bachelor Pad wasn’t even on in the house. I could have done anything. I could have watched Baseball or put on giant pants and gone shoplifting. Instead, I watch the Bachelor Pad and am now recapping it.
It’s quite clear, at this point, that I enjoy doing this.
For those who are new to the Bachelor Pad, leave. For those of you still here, the Bachelor Pad is a completely unoriginal game show, featuring former contestants of ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’. Very much like ‘Survivor’, they play games and contestants connive and deceive to avoid being voted out of the house. I should correct one part in my last sentence. It’s not “very much” like ‘Survivor’. It’s “exactly” like ‘Survivor’.
The last person remaining gets $250,000 and a scorching Venereal disease.
The cast of the Bachelor Pad can best be described as ‘Pond Scum’. With 3 hours, ABC has plenty of time to shape the drama of the upcoming season. They start by introducing the cast. Here are most of the Hoochies:
Rated R- the completely unintimidating Canadian Wrestler.
Jackie- Former attractive contestant during Brad’s season. She was dumped in Costa Rica. There are worse places to be dumped.
Michelle Money- the biggest whore since Gomorra.
Gia- Insanley hot/stupid woman.
Vienna- inside and out, the ugliest woman on planet Earth. And, that’s only because I haven’t been to other planets.
Casey Mumbles- dating Vienna. I need to learn a new language to double the words I can use to describe how hilarious this is.
Nice Guy- from the season that ended hours ago. He made Ashley cry during a Roast so I don’t hate him yet.
Bean Bag Face- I really like Bean Bag Face and am sad that he went on Bachelor Pad. I doubt that there will be poems about Magnolia trees coming out of his Bean-Bag face during this train wreck.
Erica- I don’t remember her. She’s apparently, a princess. She’s trying hard to be hated but I just feel sorry for her. She’s incredibly ugly and plastic and she couldn’t finish a crossword puzzle with the answers.
Graham- I think he plays basketball. He was on Diana’s season. Diana is awful too. There are just so many truly horrible people from this franchise.
Ella- Nice girl. Don’t hate her yet. Luckily, this show is 3 hours long so there’s time.
Holly- Was engaged to Michael, also on this season of the Bachelor Pad. Hello drama!
First commercial break previews an upcoming ABC venture called ‘THE CHEW’?! From what I could gather before my brain shut down, it’s like ‘The View’ but they’re eating. I think they’re running out of coke in California.
We’re back to the Bachelor Pad action. The season is young but, already, no one is going to top Michelle Money’s quote- “Being here now is blowing my mind, literally.” I need to go back to High School to make that my yearbook quote.
The party starts with the cast of tasties getting out of their limo to congregate and be awful. Vienna is upset because Jake’s here and he verbally abused her during their 2-week engagement. Casey has been dating Vienna and has also been doing push-ups, so he wants to beat up Jake. Gia hates Vienna because Gia fell in love with Country music guy Wes… and Vienna dated him for a while. Michael and Holly were engaged so they’ll cry every week when their former fiancĂ©s rub abs with strangers.
So far so good? There are only 2 and a half hours left.
Vienna looks even worse with short hair. I wouldn't have thought you could slam her in the face with a rake and she would look worse, but I guess that anything is possible. Kevin Garnett was right.
When bringing up the time Vienna and Jake broke off their engagement on National TV, Chris Harrison says to Vienna, “Just between you and me, that was a terrible night.” I’m pretty sure that is just between Chris, Vienna and the millions of people watching.
Casey Mumbles' opening limo interview with Chris Harrison is a 10-out-of-10 on the comedy scale. I can never understand a word he says. Harrison just interrupts him and says, “Hey good luck.”
Rated G hates Casey because they had friction during their season. I should remind readers that Casey Mumbles got a tattoo on his wrist for Ali Fedotowsky 20 minutes before being dumped in Europe.
Holly has immediately fallen in love with Blake because he’s cute and… we have a new quote leader already... “He uses really big words like dysfunctional”. I never thought that Michelle Money’s ‘literal’ quote would be topped but it took 17 minutes. This show is record-breaking.
Former Bachelor extraordinaire Jake shows up in the limo and ABC gives him his own uber-dramatic music. They’re acting like the audience is going to be surprised when he steps out, but they’ve been plugging his infuriating television comeback for weeks.
Jake has all of the charm and charisma of a hornet’s nest. He’s talking a big game about how he’s going to clean up on this season. Normally, I wouldn’t give a person this awful much of a chance on a show that was basically a popularity contest but, everyone is awful so he might just be normal.
My chest is beginning to hurt so I’m going to skip a little bit.
I pick things up at the half way point and Casey Mumbles and Vienna are hanging out by the pool and talking about their relationship. I can’t understand Vienna because she’s crying. I can’t understand Casey because someone stuffed a wash cloth into his mouth when he was 7 and no one has retrieved it yet.
Jake and Jackie go on a date. I’m angry because I thought there’d be more pie eating. While they’re on their date, people get in groups at the Bachelor mansion and plot strategy. It’s hilarious watching these mental juggernauts do math.
Jake and Jackie are walking out in public. Some little girl is bawling her eyes out because she’s in love with Jake. He stops and talks to her to show what a nice guy he really is. As soon as the camera turns away, he beats her.
They eat dinner on the roof of a theatre or something. I already can’t stand how much talking there is on this show. Jake gets a rose somehow. I wasn’t paying attention. I guess he’s immune to going home. There is no way that wasn’t planned by the producers.
The next day, Jake apologizes to Vienna for their failed engagement. He gives Vienna his rose. She goes into the other room to make out with Casey Mumbles, followed by night-vision footage of them having sex in the mansion.
I’m exhausted.
ABC holds a cocktail party so bad people can stab each other in the back before getting voted out of the house. I am unable to follow the fake drama. There is just so much talking.
Jake and Jackie are immune. I’m confused.
13 other people get to stay. Rated G and Ally are sent home. I’m happy because I still get to look at Gia. I’m sad because I still have to hear her talk. Rated G steals Jake’s rose and runs into the limo.
I think we all learned an important lesson tonight. I should have watched baseball.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Bachelorette Recap- Sweet Merciful Lord It's Over

I feel like Andy Dufresne, emerging from the Shawshank Prison sewage tunnel and falling out into freedom.
No more Ashley H.
It’s finally over.
The worst season of the worst show aired a final episode last night. Ashley chose a guy from her 25 boyfriends and they’ll probably get married on T.V. in a ceremony I’ll never watch. Of course, he’s already cheating on her if you believe the magazine covers you read while waiting in line at Wegmans.
ABC flies J.P. and Josh Groban to Fiji to meet Ashley's parents and then get dumped or engaged. There is a ton of crying and a ton of tattoos. Let’s recap this thing and be done with Ashley forever.
J.P. is first up to meet the family. He admits to everyone that he’s “smitten” with Ashley. They all laugh and toast the happy couple.
Then, Ashley’s sister Krysie pulls her aside to tell her that J.P. is not the guy for her.
Attention whoring runs in the H. family. Ashley’s tattooed sister Krysie had an agenda and that was to take her 15 minutes of fame and hammer it out into her own horrible reality TV show. She just outright tells her sister that she’d be miserable if she married J.P. Ashley cries for 10 minutes and speaks incoherently.
Krysie doesn’t want her sister to make another bad decision. If only someone were there for Krysie to give her this advice when she tattooed a giant Geisha to her left arm.
Ashley’s brother pulls Ashley aside to listen to her cry for 10 minutes. He says one word.
Krysie gets together with J.P. She lays into J.P. and basically tells him that he’s not right for her sister. She says that she doesn’t have a good feeling about J.P. and she saw more of a connection between Ashley and Brad Womack when he visited the H. family.
I’ll be honest, I don’t remember this flake from the Brad season but I have a good feeling that she knew that no one remembered her and she was going to make damn sure that America remembered her this time. J.P. does a good job of not punching her in the teeth. He clearly wanted to punch her judging by the look on his face.
J.P. is all sorts of confused and tells the producers that he loves Ashley but isn’t ready to propose. (FORESHADOWING!)
No one is that mean to their sister. ABC paid that girl to act like the devil. ABC is paying everyone. Did you guys get your check from ABC yet?
Josh Groban is up next to meet the H’s. Tattoo basically tells Ashley beforehand that she’s determined not to like Josh Groban too.
Ashley calls her a bitch right in time for ABC to play dramatic piano music over the sound of two sisters screaming at each other. It’s like a Disney movie. I hate this woman.
Josh Groban wins over Ashley’s family right off the bat. He’s super goofy and fun. I can’t even stand it. Ashley makes Josh Groban stand up in front of everyone and do the cute voice he uses to talk to his dog. Josh Groban says ‘no’. Ashley eventually annoys him enough to make him do his cute ‘doogie’ voice. Ashley joins in with her cute ‘doogie’ voice. Acid burns a hole into my stomach wall.
I feel so bad for their dogs.
Krysie pulls Josh Groban aside to grill him. In a stunning turn of events… SHE LIKES HIM AND IS TOTALLY COOL!
I wish Krysie had an offensive tattoo on her arm so ABC would have made her wear one of those arm-socks that the NBA made Allen Iverson wear.
Ashley and Josh Groban get a helicopter ride. ABC is just setting money on fire at this point to salvage the season. They land near a hot springs pit to rub mud all over each other. This is the third or fourth time the Bachelor people have put contestants in healing mud pits. I’m not very good at coming up with ideas for romantic dates as evidenced by the time I took my wife to a mall arcade and made her watch me play Gauntlet for 2 hours, but I think I could do better than healing mud pits for the 4th time.
The mud looks relaxing until you think about how bad it must smell.
Josh Groban then takes Ashley to his Hotel Room, but they didn’t get a card from Chris Harrison giving them permission to have sex on TV so they just talk for 5 long minutes that I’ll never get back. Josh Groban admits to Ashley that he has fallen in love with her.
He says that he never expected to find love in a million years. I don’t understand that. Didn’t the 25 guys come on the show to find love? Do you go to Mighty Taco and act surprised to find tacos? You can’t go on the Bachelorette and be surprised to find love. That’s like planning a vacation to Montana and having a flight attendant say, “Welcome to Montana.” And then you’re all, “Why am I in Montana?”
They whisper to each other and make out on the bed. Again, I couldn’t imagine being a camera man on this show. What if you farted while they were sharing a life-changing moment? What if the flames of their passion took over and they just started procreating? Would you stop taping if they forgot to ask you to leave? Would you try to join in? I got a degree in Broadcasting from Buff State but they never taught you this important information. No wonder it’s a Division III school.
Ashley gets more 1-on-1 time with J.P. the next day. She seems reserved and skeptical. Ashley tells the camera that she wishes she knew if J.P. was serious. J.P. finally tells her that he loves her and she’s all smiles.
It’s clear at this point that Ashley is choosing J.P. but didn’t want to get dumped again. She knew Josh Groban loved her so, if J.P. didn’t use the ‘L’ word, she would have gone with Josh Groban. I just called love “the L word”, but the ‘L’ word might be “lesbian”. Is ”love”’ also an ‘L’ word? Did I just say that J.P. is in lesbian with Ashley?
J.P. gives Ashley a book with pictures and notes. They show the note as Ashley begins to read it and it’s an entire page. Of course, she spends the 12 minutes to read it because this show has no content. I’m miserable.
Josh Groban and J.P. both go to pick out engagement rings the next day. Josh Groban is the only contestant who they show leaving with a ring. That is because ABC thinks we’re stupid. You know at this point that it’s J.P. but they’re trying desperately to make the end interesting by leaving a shred of doubt over whether or not J.P. proposes.
Ashley wakes up the next morning and walks on the beach to think about her men. Then she puts on a dress made out of feathers to dump a guy and get engaged to another. ABC also captures the important moment where J.P. washes his face and puts on his pants.
They fly the guys in on little planes. Josh Groban steps out first to get dumped. He doesn’t allow Ashley to speak and just barrels into his marriage proposal. Ashley says ‘No’. Josh Groban gets pissed. It’s pretty funny. I’ve never seen a dumped Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant so angry before.
He basically says, “Later!” and walks away. ABC makes him leave on a rowboat, just to make sure he has zero dignity left.
Ashley cries a ton.
J.P. is the next to fly in. Ashley has a super good poker face and runs up to hug him. J.P. takes 7 minutes to propose marriage. I try to think about how many Bills linemen I can name in my head. I get to Pears and he’s still proposing. I hate this show.
They make out for 7 more minutes. Then, ABC rolls out the footage of their boring journey set to REO Speedwagon’s “I can’t fight this feeling anymore”. I’m pretty sure that it’s REO Speedwagon. If it’s not, please don’t bother telling me. I don’t care. To me, all bad music is REO Speedwagon. It is the perfect song to explain their pointless love.
If you think I’m recapping the next hour of ‘After the Final Rose’, you’re on crack. I won’t do it. There was way too much ‘Ashley’ talking to recap. They did not name the next Bachelor. I’m sure it’ll be Josh Groban. They just replayed the entire season over again while a live studio audience of 400 lonely women claps uncontrollably.
I don’t think I can recap the Bachelor Pad either. I hate it. I think I need the rest of the summer off. I’m considering retirement from these awful recaps.
I am so happy that Ashley is out of my life that I’m going to celebrate Tuesday night. Does anyone know where I can find an arcade with Gauntlet?

Monday, August 1, 2011

Bachelorette Recap- Men Tell All

I’d like to take a minute before I recap ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette- The Men Tell All’ episode to apologize to my readers. There may be some poor folks out there who stumbled upon this blog, read about the awful things happening on ABC and decided to tune in to see if the Bachelorette could possibly be the worst thing to ever happen to mankind. I could not be sorrier for contributing, in any way, to the suffering you endured Sunday night.
Every week, I tell people that this show could not get worse and, every week, I look more and more foolish for setting the bar so low. This show is an avalanche of disgrace. It started out as bad and rolled down a mountain, collecting bits and pieces of dog feces along the way, and amassed into a dung ball big enough to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Those pools are huge.
I still fear things could get worse. So, I guess I’m sorry to have a hand in your time spent watching this show which could have been better spent in fire.
ABC was cruel enough to charge me into two blogs in one week, but kind enough to rip off the band aid in one swoop and get Ashley H. out of my life for good. It’s worth it. Monday night is the season finale. I’ve never been more excited to waste 3 hours of my life.
Sunday night was the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. That is where they bring back all of your favorite contestants from the season and give them one last chance to remind you why you hate them.
We begin the episode the way ‘The Bachelor/Bachelorette begins every episode; rolling out footage you’ve already seen a thousand times. This show is brilliant. They’re either showing old footage or previewing footage to come. There is no present tense on the Bachelorette. It’s some sort of Paradox.
Chris Harrison sits down for a painful taped interview with Ashley. I have absolutely no idea why they taped an interview with Ashley and aired it an hour before a live interview with Ashley. We are treated to some highlights from the season, like Ashley and Nice Guy’s hilarious fake wedding (my intestinal walls are still bleeding from laughing over that super spoof!), Ashley dumping Ryan after he talked about tankless water heaters and the Mask guy who was paid by ABC to be on the show and captured the interest of no one. I love these trips down memory lane.
In an effort to lighten things up, Chris Harrison rolled out the blooper reel with footage the audience had never seen. My wife was so excited over this exclusive content that she fired a pistol in the air. The bloopers were classic. Ashley and Bean Bag Face ate crickets, Ashley and Josh Groban ate rice and then Ashley bought drugs from an undercover police officer. Oops! What a season!
Having no talent or creative content, ABC then whipped out a 10-minute preview of their ‘Bachelor Pad’ show. It’s all of the awfulness of the Bachelor with twice the mortal sin. I do not want to recap ‘Bachelor Pad’. I don’t even have a boss anymore. I should be swearing throughout this blog.
We were a half-hour into the ‘Men Tell All’ episode before any one ‘Man’ told ‘All’. They finally trotted out the guys. ABC was sure to include the Mask guy and Tim, the guy who got hammered during the first show and fell asleep in a chair before they stuffed him into a limo and sent him home. Tim was slightly easier to understand Sunday night. I’m pretty sure he had still been drinking. Plus, he had a huge tattoo of Jesus Christ on his bicep.
Mask guy talked for two seconds. Nick, the Soul Patch personal trainer guy had something to say about everyone in a desperate attempt to be on camera as much as possible.
Chris Harrison brought Nice Guy down to sit in the hot seat so he could relive being cruel to Ashley during the ‘Celebrity Roast’ episode. Get this! They showed the footage! This show is like a prison sentence, complete with shower beatings. Somewhere on the Shark Week channel, a Great White is jumping out of the water and killing something. I do love how, when they show Nice guy being mean, they cut to a shot of two women in the studio audience shaking their heads disapprovingly. The only redeeming value of the ‘Men Tell All’ episodes is the audience shots of lonely women with leathery skin and disapproving frowns.
Chris Harrison brought Ryan down to the hot seat so they could show more footage from the season. Then, he brought Bean Bag Face down to the hot seat so they could show more footage. My wife grabbed the remote TWICE to fast-forward. This season has hit new lows. I hope Ashley has cost ABC millions because her season has been the least interesting. ABC even hired guys to come on the show and add drama and the ploy failed.
Speaking of which, Bentley was mentioned plenty of times. Bentley is the paid actor who made Ashley fall in love with him and then said horrible things behind her back to make America hate him. ABC made it appear as if he were coming on the ‘Men Tell All’ episode to be confronted by Ashley’s 15 jealous boyfriends, but he wasn’t on the show. That might have actually been relevant.
They did bring Ashley out to talk all about it which helped nothing. Also, Michelle Money, the 4th worst person on Earth, stepped out of the studio audience to tell America how she knew all along that Bentley was bad. Michelle is going to be on the Bachelor Pad. So is Vienna the Dude, Jake the Pilot and Rated ‘R’ the Canadian Wrestler. Who could possibly still be reading this recap?
Just when the show could not get worse, Chris Harrison introduced 3 of Ashley’s Bachelor buddies to join the fun; Deanna Pappas, Jason Mesnick and Ali Fedotowsky. I’m not into apocalyptic predictions but, when the Supreme Being decides to reduce our planet to ash, it will be because Deanna Pappas, Jason Mesnik and Ali Fedotowsky are sitting on a couch telling Chris Harrison about the roller coaster ride of falling in love on a Reality T.V. show. As soon as the segment started, I duct taped Cling wrap over my windows and started to scavenge for canned goods.
I’d really love to tell you what these people said but they’re all just so awful that I couldn’t listen. I was deathly afraid that one small ounce of knowledge they passed down to Ashley would seep into my brain and I would somehow accidentally pass that trinket onto a loved one.
I did hear them giving Ashley credit for how she finally wised up and dumped Bentley after she found out that he was no good. They were nice enough to leave out the part about how Ashley never dumped Bentley. He came back and she begged him to tell her that she wasn’t ugly and then he dumped her for a second time. There was no clarity. That woman would jump into a volcano to retrieve a tissue that Bentley had just discarded. She has no self-esteem.
ABC ended the show with more… hilarious… I’m sorry. ABC ended….
Sorry. I’m fine now. Seriously….
ABC ended….
ABC ended…. They….
ABC ended the show with more hilarious bloopers. There I got it out. Sorry. I was totally laughing, like, a ton just thinking about the bloopers. You guys! You gotta see these bloopers. It’s just nuts. Then, they previewed Monday’s finale for 10 minutes because that’s what bad TV shows do!
Hope you liked my recap and I hope you never watch a single second of ABC programming. Stay in school.
Here is a link to last week's recap