The problem with snoring is the amount of hate in your loving wife's eyes as she pushes you awake with the fury or a Kraken. (Or a thousand Krakens if you want to sound like a blind witch)
I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just sleeping.
This woman, whose voice could normally calm an attack dog, viciously wakes me out of a sound sleep by elbowing me in the small of the back and yelling, "Greg! Roll over!"
Now, it's up to you, the reader, to make that quote sound like Bobby Knight yelling at an official.
She's really mad at me and I've done nothing wrong.
I understand why she's mad, I guess. She's just trying to fall asleep and there's a guy next to her making a noise that, I can only imagine, sounds like a running chainsaw being scraped across a chain-link fence.
What I don't understand is how she never gets used to this sound. I could eventually learn to sleep on an aircraft carrier tarmac if I had to. It would probably take me a week. She's had 12 years. My L-4 disc is permanently dislodged from the 'People's Elbow' applied nightly.
I think I now know what it must be like to be a spider. You're just minding your own business, being a spider, when my wife walks into the room and screams and then sends me in to kill you with toilet paper.
It's a hard life for me and spiders. We're just being us.
Maybe next time I'm sent to kill a spider, I'll just palm it and throw it into her gaping mouth as she sleeps. Then, when she wakes up screaming, I'll elbow her in the back.
I should be a marriage counselor.
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