I would like to take a brief moment to thank ABC for eliminating co-host Melissa Raycroft from the show. In adding nothing, Melissa always managed to annoy me. I also found it absurd that anyone would think hosting the Bachelor Pad by himself was something that Chris Harrison couldn’t do.
There is a ton of drama this week on the Bachelor Pad.
Kirk/Kurt says it best, “The power couples are struggling!”
Did you know that America? Could you sense the struggling of the power couples?
Casey Mumbles and the dude Vienna are losing their control over the house. They’re hell-bent on getting Jake sent home. Jake, the pilot, continues to not fly planes.
Melisa is out of her mind and is screaming to anyone who will listen about Blake and his cheating ways. Blake, who admittedly doesn’t like Melisa, knows that his time on the Bachelor Pad is limited.
The immunity competition is a new low in the ABC catalog of crap. The group is required to learn and perform a synchronized swimming routine. A panel of judges was brought in to pick out the best boy and girl.
Viewers are treated to a 20 minute sequence of synchronized swim training. The guys all have their shirts off. The girls do not. I’m fading fast.
When practice is over, the bullets go into the gun. The panel of judges is announced. One is an Olympic judge or something. The other two are Dave and Natalie, the winners of last season’s Bachelor Pad. They are terrible people.
At one point during the competition, the horrid princess woman points out how big parts of Jake are and ABC provides us with a zoom in of that portion of Jake.
The women are terrible at synchronized swimming. The men are not. Michael gets the rose for the men. He’s a professional Break-dancer, so it’s not fair. Michelle Money got the rose for the women. She’s a professional slut. The winners get to choose three people to take on a pointless date.
Before the dates, the horrid princess woman jumps in a bed with Jake and they partner up. If these two ever mated, their children would come into the world holding straight razors and frothing at the mouth.
Then, Casey Mumbles and Vienna argue but I can’t understand what they’re saying. It’s so hard to constantly describe how much I hate these people. I feel like I use one paragraph to explain how putrid this horrid princess woman is, and then I’m onto the next paragraph explaining how bad Vienna is. It’s like a tennis match of hate.
Michelle takes 3 guys on her date. She chooses Graham, Casey Mumbles and Blake. They head to a vineyard.
First, there is a ton of pointless talking. If I tried to describe it to you, you would close this window and move on to a more interesting website. After the talking, Michelle makes out with Graham. ABC picks the perfect music for their make out session. It’s like Kenny G got really horny and high and someone was lucky enough to record it. Michelle gives Graham the rose because she likes the taste of his tongue. I think that, if Michelle Money actually had a heart, it would belong to Graham.
Michael gets three girls for his date. He takes Vienna, Ella and Holly. Holly doesn’t want anything to do with Michael, even though he’s a cute break dancer. Michael is infatuated with Holly and will cry a lot for the next half hour.
The young lovers go horse-back riding. Holly says, “I personally love horses”. How else would you love them, professionally?
Michael and Holly spend time alone so she can make him cry. He does cry, America. There is a ton of soft piano played under his crying. He cries and talks about how lonely he feels sleeping alone. Then he does that crying whisper talk while telling Holly that she’s beautiful. Then they hug and he cries more. Then, Brett Michaels from Poison sits 6-feet in front of them and plays ‘Every Rose has its Thorn’ on his guitar and he cries. I’m not kidding about the Brett Michaels thing, by the way.
Brett Michaels talks to Michael and Holly about souls and relationships. I look around the room to make sure I’m not in hell.
Why does ABC think it’s such a good idea to have musical artists play in front of two people? It’s so incredibly uncomfortable. I would rather ride a bike with no seat down a mountain.
Back at the house, Melissa is hating Blake and he decides to pretend to like her again so he isn’t sent home. Melissa talks, but she is so far out of her mind that ABC has to put up subtitles. They agree to rub against each other again.
Blake and Jake (which totally rhymes) team up because they know they’re both on the chopping block. Jake is not really on the chopping block because the Produces wouldn’t let him get sent home if he murdered 8 people on camera.
Jake makes out with the horrid princess woman while her voiceover tells the audience how often she gets Botox injections. For a brief moment, she’s worse than Vienna.
Speaking of Vienna, Casey Mumbles gives her a promise ring for their 6-month anniversary and then sings to her. You need to hear Casey Mumbles sing. There is nothing funnier. Every Monty Python, Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielson movie combined is a zero on the comedic scale compared to Casey Mumbles singing.
For the 15 minutes after Casey sings, there’s a bunch of yelling and screaming. I hate everything on the show that isn’t Casey singing.
At the Rose Ceremony, Melissa cries and threatens to leave. She’s 6 kinds of crazy. Jake convinces her to stay so they can form an alliance.
Chris Harrison walks in to inform the group that all of the ladies are safe and that one man will be going home. They send Casey home. ABC treats the moment like the Sopranos finale.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Greg edits his own recaps. He wrote this at 1 a.m. and failed to comprehend that, by saying Casey's name, Chris Harrison actually sent Jake home. So Jake is eliminated, not Casey Mumbles. Thanks to Kelsey for pointing this out to me. I'm an idiot. None of this matters, but I should also at least get the correct name of the person sent home for anyone who reads down this far.
I’m not sure what you guys get out of these recaps but, I can’t be delivering. This is some awful television. Thank you for reading this, but I would completely understand if you not only stop reading but also sent a letter to Entercom, asking that I be fired.
It should be pointed out how disgusting Vienna looked throughout this entire episode.
Update on Bean Bag Face and Jackie: Lindsay from promotions (who would be so much better at writing these recaps than me) has informed me that Bean Bag Face and Jackie are no longer together. Lindsay suspects that the whole scene of Bean running after Jackie’s limo to be with her forever was a ploy by ABC to make Bean more attractive to viewers as the next Bachelor. I would love it if Bean Bag Face was the next Bachelor. Any season crawling with Magnolia trees is a good season.