Monday, May 11, 2009

Do I Have the Chops?

I've always wondered if I could make it as a Hollywood writer.

I've never submitted jokes to Leno or wrote a 'Murphy Brown', but I've kicked around some ideas. One involved Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore ruining the Red Sox 2004 World Series win by dancing around on the field, but someone beat me to that.

A big problem would be coming up with a winning concept for a sitcom, and then having to keep the ideas flowing season to season.

Watching re-runs of 'Home Improvement' has left me doubting myself. These guys were pro's.

Take Tim 'the Tool Man' Taylor's neighbor 'Wilson'. They decided early on that it would be a good idea to never show his whole face. But the series lasted for 9 seasons.

That's 9 seasons of writing clever ways to show only half of a guy's face. Examples of brilliance include: a fence, ski masks and eating cotton candy. How would I have kept that streak going?
I decided to see if I could write some 'Wilson' scenarios that would allow America to enjoy the show without having to see all of Earl Hindman.

Scenario 1- Tim digs a moat around his house and fills it with sulfuric acid. Wilson accidentally dips half of his face into the moat while doing hand-stand push-ups.

Scenario 2- Wilson becomes a Coke fiend and is constantly making out with hookers with big hair.

Scenario 3- Wilson is knocked unconscious with a boat oar and wakes up thinking he's the 1992-93 version of Pat Lafontaine; wearing the jaw protection shield that covers the bottom half of his face.

Scenario 4- Wilson and the middle Taylor kid that no one likes get into a machete fight. Wilson kills him, but not before that mullet-headed brat gets in a good face-gash. Wilson is then forced to wear bandages for the next week of 'court case' shows.

Scenario 5- Wilson loses all of his money after Tim accidentally burns down his house with road flares. To supplement his income, Wilson gets a tattoo on the lower half of his face.

Scenario 6- Tim's wife bakes Wilson a big cake and he sits down behind it.

I was thinking about mailing these in, just in case Wilson gets his own spin-off show. Feel free to send along your suggestions. There's a good chance a new 'Wilson' show would last decades, so I want to have as much fuel as possible.