Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Hi Idiot

I know you're busy being an idiot, but I noticed that you're getting a lot of money for that frivolous lawsuit that helped to ruin our country, and I would like a chunk of that.

You'll notice that I've put together this ridiculous jingle in an attempt to burn my phone number into your brain. This way, when you're boyfriend/girlfriend sleeps with your brother/sister and you want a new Camaro to make them jealous, you'll know exactly who to call to get the ten grand that would have been spread over numerous monthly payments.

It's way quicker than watching through your rear view mirror for someone to be distracted and then slamming your brakes to cause their car to slam into the back of your car and then suing them. That could take years. You want that Camaro now!

I'll just give you less money in exchange for your more money, immediately. Everyone wins. Except for the amount of people who lose. Which is, eventually, everybody.

Please don't forget my phone number.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

George Rogers Ruined My Childhood

My mother not only supported my addiction, but she personally funded several transactions.

She used to let me go through her purse for change to buy football cards.

My mom’s purse smelled like spearmint. My mom always had gum but she would only chew half sticks at a time. Not many people knew about the horrible gum shortage of the 1980’s. She would ration her gum for the greater good. Because her purse contained several ripped pieces of Wrigley, you would reach into her purse for dimes and come out with sticky fingers.

It was all probably a scheme to get my fingerprints in case I ever turned to murder.

The first eight years of my life were loose change and football cards. Nothing else mattered. I hardly ever worried about politics or global warming.

Small stacks of Topps Football cards were about 40 cents. The big mother pack with a featured 1,000 yard rusher were 75 cents. The wrapping was clear, so you could see the first card. The advantage of the extra 35 cents was the ability to choose your 1,000 rusher. That way, you could assure yourself of not getting a double.

I hated George Rogers. Something happened at the Tops plant in 1986 that caused the mass production of ‘George Rogers’ cards.

Some poor guy, probably at the end of an overnight double shift, accidentally backed into the ‘George Rogers’ button right before heading out on a 3-day weekend. Now, 8 year olds who just managed to scrape together 75 cents had two choices; their 5th George Rogers 1,000 rusher card or no cards.

It was like a plague.

I had over 20 George Rogers. My G.I. Joe troops used ‘George Rogers’ 1,000 yard rusher cards as target practice for their boot camps; Police firing range-style.

I wonder if George Rogers ever imagined, while following Joe Jacoby off-tackle for a 4-yard gain, that all of his hard work would ultimately mean his image would be burned onto a glossy 2.5 X 3.5 card that I would use to kill spiders.

I’ll bet he would have kneeled at 999 yards.

I kept my George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher cards in a separate pile, stacked upon my dresser. They came in handy as drink coasters and scrap paper for phone messages.

If I was playing 1986 Tops Football card War with Michael Bauer, the ‘George Rogers’ 1,000 yard rusher card was the ‘2’. (Steve Largent’s ‘Record Breaker Most Seasons with 50 or More Catches’ card was an ace.)

Sometimes I would feel bad about my treatment of George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher cards. Luckily, I could use all of those extra George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher cards to dry my tears. And plus, screw him because he was probably a millionaire.

The only thing worse than the 1986 George Rogers 1,000 yard rusher card was the 1986 E.J. Junior. Put your helmet on, loser.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Muppet Babies

Warning: This blog contains explosive and gratuitous sexual content.

Not really.

Was 'Muppet Babies' a prequel, or did the Muppets just have kids? If the Muppets had kids, it's safe to assume that Kermit and Miss Piggy never got together. The Kermit and Piggy babies looked like a frog and pig, not morphed frog/pigs. This would also mean that Miss Piggy named her daughter 'Miss Piggy'.

It would make sense that the cast of 'The Muppets' would all leave their kids at the same Daycare center.

Speaking of the Daycare center, Nanny should be fired and jailed. This woman never checked on these kids. She would waltz into the room once every 30 minutes....TO CHECK ON BABIES! Even if they were just 'Muppet' babies, you're getting paid to watch them. You're their Nanny.
You can't just wall them in and then escape to the den to drink wine and watch your stories.

If I tried to leave a baby alone for 30 minutes, I'd be on the news. They never show Nanny's face because her eyes were sunken in from all of the Heroin she was doing with random dudes in the next room while these babies played with razors.

Also, what were Scooter and Skeeter? Fozzy was a bear. Ralph was a dog. Gonzo was a weirdo. Scooter and Skeeter kind of looked like a cross between a salamander and a penis.

After I published this blog, the site said "thanks" and flashed a link to buy Muppet Babies DVD's. It's like they're not even reading my blogs.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Kraft isn't answering my email

When I was 17, I drank an entire bottle of Black Velvet and cut open my arm from elbow to wrist trying to climb School 27.

Today, I emailed Kraft because the stores around here are no longer carrying the Olive Oil Balsamic Vinaigrette salad dressing that my wife and I like.

I've slowed down considerably.

It's not like I was moving at break-neck speed. Showtime isn't about to film a series based loosely on that summer I came home every night at watched my roomate play Final Fantasy IX, occasionaly yelling things like, "Move that rock. I'll bet that's the way out."

But, I answered to no one and emailed ZERO salad dressing companies. I once drank a beer out of rented bowling shoes on a 5 dollar bet. I used to leave the house with 7 dollars and not worry about how and when I was going to get home.

Today, while emailing Kraft about their Olive Oil Balsamic Vinaigrette salad dressing, I checked the box labeled, "Yes, I'd like to receive periodic Kraft recipe and promotional information emails."

I used to say to myself, "I'll never be my Dad." Well, I was right. Even my Dad is too cool to email Kraft. He doesn't eat salad.

I think it's time I made some changes. I think it's about time I started taking some risks...or, at the very least, stop emailing Kraft.

I've never tried getting attacked by a big dog and then punching it into submission. I'm sure that's a real adrenaline kick. Also, shoplifting.

Skydiving and base jumping are so cliche'. Instead, I'm going to jump over a speeding car. You actually only need to jump about 48 inches into the air. The car does most of the work. I'll start with something small like a Prius and then work my way up to the stretch models.

From now on, I'm going to get my old standard Whopper meal with an extra fry and the Oreo Cake every Friday. And don't tell my wife because she'll totally flip out and ground me.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Re-thinking Dog Loyalty...and whether or not "re-thinking" is hyphenated

In an attempt to make up for a youth wasted on Sega Wonderboy, I was jogging through my neighborhood this morning. As I passed two children playing on their front lawn, a dog ran out to explain to me, in dog terms, that I was not wanted. He stopped just short of the edge of the lawn. He followed along at my 4 mile-per-hour pace until I was clear of his territory.

It was a warning. I don't hate him for it. I did, however, notice that he wasn't wearing a collar. That means that there was no invisible fence. He was probably trained to only go so far. I doubt that the owners used the old "beating" method to teach him this behavior so, I can only assume that they used treats for training.
Training a dog is easy:
You call him to the edge of the lawn. You gently tell him to go no further. You hand him a snausage. In 2 weeks, he wouldn't cross that imaginary line to catch a cat with a steak tied to its face.

That sucks.

I'm a dog lover. I love me some dogs. Dogs need to be better than that. If you've deemed me a threat, you need to take me out. Dogs are essentially saying that they'd rather have a treat than save the lives of helpless children.

You can blame the training all you want. That dog has a responsibility. Human life is worth more than Gaines Burgers. Suck it up, dogs.

I should retract something from the first line of this blog. My youth was not wasted on Sega Wonderboy. It was fulfilled. That game was the pinnacle of civilization. From the ages of 10-to-12, I logged more hours playing Wonderboy than sleeping What was I supposed to do, read? Would time have been better spent at the park?

You show me the park where a 10-year old can buy mead and boots that make him run faster and jump higher. Caz park had zero mead stands. I always hated that about Caz park.

If you never played Sega Wonderboy or visited Caz park, you're probably wondering what my problem is. It's you. You're my problem.
Also, have you noticed how jogging no longer exists? Thanks to Nike, you're running. There are two forms of human motion, walking and running. When I was 8, and Donny was chasing me with dog shit in a rag, (true story) I ran. Now, if you pick up your feet just high enough to breath a little heavier, you're running. No one uses the word "jog" anymore.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Restaurant Review: The Eat Box

Note: This review appears in the April edition of the 'Bi-Annual Food Reviewer'

Food- **
Decor- ***
Service- ****

When hunger calls, 'The Eat Box' answers, albeit on the 12th ring.

My wife and I were struck when first entering the Eat Box. A dish washer emerged from the kitchen and proceeded to dry off his hands on her chest. We would quickly learn that the address in the phone book was listed incorrectly and we had actually entered a man's apartment. We are in the process of finding out whether the wrong address is the fault of the phone book or the restaurant, so there could be one less star under 'Service' for this review.

The actual Eat Box restaurant was quite nice. Accessible only by ladder, patrons can really build up a hunger using their arms to climb 7 stories onto the crow's nest of a refurbished 18th century barn.

You are immediately welcomed by the owner's children who drape handmade paper necklaces around your neck. These necklaces, are loaned, but can be purchased for 11 dollars, so be careful not to rip them. The entry way is dimly lit, but the children are happy to point their cell phones at your feet to guide you on your way.

The seating area consists of 27 overturned giant cable spools with no chairs. The tops of these spools are lit on fire and the room smells of fear. Women are not allowed in the Eat Box, so tell them your wife is a gay guy.

Because the table is on fire, the food is served raw on skewers. There are 3 main specialty entries; Drumstick and Potato, Drumstick and Red Potato, and Drumstick and Rice. The rice is served on 47 individual miniature skewers. Vegetarians will be happy to know that there is a Vegetarian restaurant just 4 blocks east of the Eat Box.

When your food is cooked and you are ready to eat, the owner's children will come to your table to haggle the cost of dinner. If you accept their initial offer, you will offend them and be asked to leave. Low-balling the children is considered rude however, insulting them is not. If you are successful in making one of them cry, the meal is free. (Helpful hint, the girl is very sensitive about the misspelled tattoo on her throat.)

Dessert is a delicious Oreo cake.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I Will Not Watch That Wedding

I'm not much of a man. I'm pretty sure I have the appropriate chromosones and organs, but I lack the ability to kill deer and control my own television watching schedule.

I did, however, manage to push all of my chips to the center of the table last night and say, "I am not watching Jason Meznick's (a.k.a. the Bachelor) wedding!" My wife, realzing how serious I was when she saw the tears in my eyes, agreed to tape it and watch it another time.
It was a bluff. I would have watched it.

As a matter of fact, I did click Jason Meznick's wedding on for 38 seconds. I saw a ton of rain and a bunch of women screaming over shoes. I am so glad that I did not watch it.

Fortunately for you, the reader, my friend Cheryl never misses it when a complete d-bag ties the knot of T.V. and she might just hate the show more than I do.
So, here is Cheryl's recap of the Jason and Molly wedding:

On the wings of: Greg didn't want to watch the Bachelor wedding, so a bitter single girl wrote his blog.....HA


Yesterday at 10:52pm

I gotta admit, being 36 and single, I watch The Bachelor because I enjoy seeing people getting dumped on TV and then laughing at them when they cry. It really ads a special kind of joy to my life because I am not them. ABC has now decided to use two hours of time to show the wedding of contestants Jason and Molly. I was totally hoping for the bride to fall or lots of rain. Sorry, but someone had to say it.

Chris Harrison started the show by saying this was going to be “the event of a lifetime”. Oh, OK. He totally forgot to say it was gonna be dramatic, maybe the most dramatic wedding ever. They had the wedding in Seattle---outdoors---in the rain capital of the world. The drama was brewing. Awesome.

Of course, first they had to show the drama of the wedding preparations, which included Jason and Molly sitting apart from each other in a park, each staring into a land far far away while contemplating those mean tabloids. This of course made them cry on cue and wipe away the tears. Naturally, this is what most couples do before their wedding. “Hey honey, forget the shower and the bachelor party. We don’t need that crap. Let’s individually stare at the sky or something.”

While discovering what it was like to actually LIVE together, they discovered fascinating information! Jason declared, “I forgot how much STUFF people have!” Molly added, “I brought my own vase instead of using a pitcher for the flowers!” They are sooooo intriguing. Then they made brownies. That part was OK.

Yeah, I knew they were gonna bring back the former couples to let everyone know how successful the bachelor series REALLY is, even though this is the 2nd wedding in like 100 tries. Jake and his dude girlfriend Vienna talked about Jake kissing lots of girls, their perfect love and how they are big fans of Jason and Molly. Jake said “hopefully” they can follow in the footsteps of the other couple. Yeah, they are totally not getting hitched. Four other couples no one cares about talked about how they enjoy each other…..Yada, yada, yada. Personally, I just think they were tryin to steal some wedding thunder.

One of the more compelling parts of the two hour special was the families. Everyone got along during the wedding planning. No one fought about who was getting invited, gift registries or seating charts. Buncha phonies.

They actually did decide to have a bachelor and bachelorette party combo in Vegas. That is where they showed the world they are boring. Molly whined a bit about not wanting a stripper to show her how to move for her man. He is so lucky. Then Jason cried. I think I fell asleep for a while. They were still in Vegas. The producers tried to shake things up a bit by telling Jason to stare into a fountain outside the hotel and think about life. Molly found him and declared that was most romantic place in the whole world. I declared single life suddenly not so bad.

They returned to the wedding site and talked about shoes and hair. Then Jason cried. Then it rained and stopped and rained again. I was happy at this point during a commercial break, to see George Clooney and a singing cartoon trying to sell paper towels.

Then it at least got amusing when Chris Harrison kept bringing in a receiving line of rejected men and women from past seasons. Apparently the show needed seat fillers. Then some umbrellas turned inside out. Oh, I forgot to mention the wedding planner talked about not having a “plan B” locale for the first time ever in case of rain---in friggin rain capital of the world Seattle. Hmmmm.

Oh, he did not. Yes, he did. Host Man Chris actually referred to this as one of the most anticipated weddings of ALL TIME. He was somewhat correct. We wanted to anticipate the wedding to be over. But not before Jason cried----again, which he did.

The poems were read, the I dos were said, and then the vows were at the perfect timing for the producers - as it down poured all over the bride, as the groom tried to cover her hair with his little man hands. Um, no one had an umbrella to cover the bride and her $40,000 dress---in friggin rainy Seattle?

Yeah, they’re married. Woo friggin hoo. I cant wait for the next round of characters that get assembled for the Bachelorette in May. We all need more people to laugh at.

With all that said, I guess I do want to get married one day. I mean, tick-tock already. I just won’t get married in Seattle---to a guy who cries all the time---in a ceremony produced by a show called “The Bachelor”. That’s gotta be a bad omen.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Choosing a Dude

The worst season of the worst television show is over. Dallas pilot Jake Pavelka fulfilled his ABC contract by falling in love with two women and then asking the one his family hated to marry him. The worst kept secret in reality TV history is out. Jake chose Vienna, the dude.

The season finale of the Bachelor was 3 hours long, and yet there really isn't much to recap. Most of that time is spent hearing the same crap we've heard all season. It's just long, drawn out footage of 3 people, pensively sitting in front of a mountain while we hear a voice-over of them rambling on about how much they love a soulless idiot they met 2 weeks ago.

About 30 minutes of that time was spent watching Tenley, the runner up, talk non-stop as Jake's family fell in love with her. It was like watching the President. She had prepared speeches. Also, even though it breaks her heart to talk about it, Tenley managed to mention 400 times that she was once married.

The next 30 minutes were very dramatic. Jake introduced
Vienna to his family and they hated her. They hated her personality, they hated her choice of words and they hated her dude face, I'm assuming. Towards the end of the encounter, the producers managed to convince Jake's family to tell the cameras that Vienna isn't that bad, she's just "being real".

The Bachelor is made much more enjoyable when the ending of the show is revealed and rumors of
Vienna dumping Jake for her ex-boyfriend swirl across Tabloid magazines. Then you have my wife yelling "Liar!" at the TV for 3 hours. Every time Vienna mentioned how she couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with Jake you'd hear, "Is the rest of your life 12 minutes? You didn't even make it to the finale!"

ABC did a great job of getting some Jake 'ab' shots in before it was all said and done. Jake and
Vienna playfully spread Sulfur mud all over each other and made out under a waterfall. I kept waiting for the Predator to show up. These intimate moments in paradise are so uncomfortable to watch. All I can picture is the guy with the boom mic leaning over them to pick up the audio. I would love it if, just once, 'boom mic' guy fell from his ladder into the shot. Would they keep pretending to be in love with each other, or would they pause for a second to check his pulse?

Both girls were flown in on helicopters, one at a time, for the rose ceremony/ fake proposal. Tenley was dumped first. I imagine, to keep her hair intact, she had to sit in the helicopter for, at least, 10 minutes so the propeller could stop spinning. Jake started crying while dumping her. It was pretty dramatic. Tenley thanked Jake several times for dumping her.

Vienna, the dude, was flown in after that. She's unattractive and, like all contestants on this show, a horrible human being. Those must be the attributes Jake is looking for because he asked her to marry him. He first acted like he wasn't choosing her as a prank, but then let Vienna off the hook. Those pilots are hilarious. I screamed laughter for six hours. It was hard to sleep. My throat is sore.

ABC is in charge of punishing me for my sins, so they have a one-hour 'After the final rose' special that begins immediately after the finale. They brought out Tenley so she could mention, one more time, how she had been married before. They brought out Jake because Tenley had not yet cried enough. They brought out
Vienna so we could see her Adam's apple.
Vienna addressed the tabloid rumors that she has a secret boyfriend. Vienna said, "I have a secret boyfriend. He's so secret, I don't even know who he is." The audience fell completely silent to her attempt at humor. She should leave the jokes to Jake. He's hilarious.

My wife was declared Jake the worst Bachelor of the series.

ABC also announced that Ali would be the next Bachelorette. Ali is attractive and whiney. She is an awful human being who will make life miserable for one lucky man in the spring. Recapping this show is like describing, in detail, how Veterinarians euthanize dogs. I hope to have you all back for the next season.

Good news
America, if you're not yet completely sick of Jake and his abs, you can watch him on Dancing with the Stars. He joins Chad Ochocinco, Pamela Anderson and astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Read back that last sentence. I'm so glad that I do not watch that show.

There's an American Idol Fantasy draft happening Tuesday night. Fans of reality TV can check in here for recaps of the awfulness.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Stretching 3 Minutes of Content into a 2-Hour Show

I only need one word (crap) to recap Monday night's 'Women Tell All' episode of the Bachelor but, in true Bachelor fashion, I'm going to stretch things out to a 37-page recap. Let us first clarify what "The Women Tell All" actually means. It means, "The Women All Talk At Once and Say Nothing". It's an awful way to spend 2 hours, especially when you should only be spending about 10 minutes. The nice thing about "The Women Tell All" is that there is very little of Jake talking. They just unplug the Jake Robot and leave it in the corner for most of the show.

Monday night was strange. The producers had to work pretty hard to fill the full two hours, and I'm not even talking about sleeping with contestants. First, we watched some rare video footage from the show that has only been seen a few thousand times. (If I have to watch Jake and
Vienna bungee-jumping from that bridge one more time, I'm inventing a time machine to go back and cut that rope.)

Then we saw the most useless bunch of people 'giving back' to the community. Past Bachelor and Bachelorette flunkies, who can't seem to go on with their lives and have someone how made a career of being annoying and promiscuous on television, were filmed doing community service. That amounts to fake women in tank tops and heels coldly handing small bags of groceries to whatever disheveled citizens the producers could manage to jam onto a bus and into
Los Angeles. My favorite moment was an empty-headed snowboarder handing a grocery bag to a women and saying, "Here you go, bragh". Then the former contestants went back to a bar and were filmed having sex with each other. "Good Clean Fun", says this reporter.

"The Women Tell All" had reached the 48-minute mark and not one "Women" had begun to "Tell All". I felt like the guy from "the Pit and the Pendulum", only there were no rats around to chew my eyes out and save me.

(Spoiler Alert- If you don't want to know the winner this season, skip this paragraph)
ABC finally brought out a selection of contestants to give them one more chance at being on television. The girls were coached very well to say nice things about this year's eventual winner,
Vienna. It was almost like there was a guy with a cattle prod, standing off camera, waiting to zap any girl who said something negative about Vienna. If my wife, who doesn't go on-line or read tabloid magazines, knows the secret about who wins this season of the Bachelor, it's not a very good secret.

(Spoiler Alert- If you don't want to know about every remaining season of the Bachelor for the rest of time, skip this sentence.)
The Bachelor sucks.

We all know how dramatic the Bachelor is, so it was no surprise that they upped the ante on drama for the "Women Tell All". Rozlyn came back to talk about sleeping with a producer and getting kicked off of the show. Rozlyn denied everything. She seemed to be lying. The rest of the contestants told stories about seeing her around the mansion, making out with this producer. They all seemed to be lying. The host of the show, Chris Harrison, repeatedly attacked Rozlyn's character. He seemed to be lying. The whole thing seemed very forced and staged. It was perfect 'Bachelor' material.

I guess readers of tabloid rags have been treated to some juicy rumors regarding the incident. I have nothing to say about this. I don't have anything left. I hate this show. I hate this recap. I am stopping, in the middle of this recap, to tell you people that I have nothing left. I hate myself. I hate that I have to pay attention to the most horrible sounds and images ever burned onto film just to recap it. It's like getting a job at an open landfill, describing all of the individual pieces of trash.

ABC is begging me to not watch the Bachelor anymore. How else can you explain what these monsters have done with the finale? They've decided to sprinkle in Live coverage of the unveiling of this year's cast of 'Dancing with the Stars'. I watch a lot of crap, but I refuse to watch a single second of that show. Refuse. "Refuse" is the British word for garbage.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Sleeping With Three Women and Dumping One of Them

This is the worst show in the history of television.

'Passions', 'Dharma and Greg' and 'Mama's Family' all seem entertaining next to the Bachelor. You could unhinge my jaw and jam a live wolverine down my throat and I would enjoy it more than the two hours spent in front of the television every Monday night.

You wouldn't think that a television network could make something horrible even more horrible, but ABC managed that feat with this Jake guy. He is about as likeable as a heat rash. Everytime he talks my eyes starting rolling into the back of my head and I have to fight off death. I hate him.

This Monday was a big day for Jake because he knew that, if one of the girls refused to sleep with him, he could send them home and they wouldn't be on television any more. Gia,
Vienna and Tenley spent the weekend with Jake on the island of St. Lucia. There's nothing like a televised courtship on a gorgeous tropical island where television producers light candles and throw rose pedals on every inch of open space. It's the perfect way to get to know the real someone.

First Jake spent the day with Gia and then slept with her. Gia is attractive. She's really the only redeeming value of the show at this point.

Secondly, Tenley, with a voice that could wake the dead, praddled on about her divorce a little more in case America
didn't hear her the first 6 episodes of the season. Then Jake slept with her.

FInally, Vienna and Jake dry humped on a pirate ship before jumping into the ocean to rub abs. Then Jake slept with her. Vienna
is a dude. I'm just gonna lay that out there. She's a dude. I might be alone on this one, but I don't find her the least bit attractive. I've heard the term, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Sometimes, the eye beholds a dude. Also, she was planted by the producers to annoy people and make the show more interesting. (Who's with me?)


Yeah, this is the part of the show that made me want to lie down on the 90. Ali is rethinking her decision to leave the show. Apparently, when you "leave" a reality TV show to go back to your job, you bring a camera crew with you so they can capture heart-warming shots of you waking up in the morning with make-up on and staring lovingly at two giant promotional posters of Jake sitting on the night stand. Then this camera crew, that you apparently left behind, just happens to be filming as you sit pensively by the Golden Gate
bridge in perfect lighting and lament your lost love, old what's-his-name.

In a magical moment, Jake is in the bedroom with a camera crew, packing a suitcase with his shirt off, as the phone rings. He has this, "Who could that be? I wasn't expecting a phone call!" look on his face. Jake leaves the room as we switch to a different camera, perfectly white-balanced, focused and situated by the phone on the night stand. We are then forced to sit through a grueling 'dramatic' phone call of Ali whining and Jake painfully trying to act.

The only true emotion that the Bachelor brings out in me is the pity I feel for any person who takes it the least bit serious. I've played games at the fair that were more sincere.

Anyway, Jake couldn't get Ali on a plane in time to sleep with her before the rose ceremony so she didn't go to St. Lucia

Then Jake dumps the only girl who doesn't make me want to fist-fight a puma. We're down to Tenley and Vienna
, who is a dude.

I'm not writing a recap for the 'Women Tell All' episode. I can't do it. I hate it. I would heat up oil and pour it into my eyes so I don't have watch 'the Women Tell All', but I would still be able to hear it, and that's just as depressing. Is there a longer two hours of television? Is there no end to the amount of rhetorical questions I'll ask? Allright, I'll recap 'the Women Tell All', but just because I'm up to 6 readers.

My favorite thing about writing this column are the 'spoilers' that appear in the comments section. Whether it be from word of mouth or internet leaks, people have been revealing the ending of this season of the Bachelor and tagging this information as a 'spoiler alert'. If you leave turkey on the counter, it spoils. If you reveal the ending of complete pile of garbage that is horribly produced and painfully drawn out, it's just more garbage. There are no winners on this show. Some people just have to stick around and annoy America a little longer.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Pretending to be in Love to be on T.V.

We have reached my favorite part of the Bachelor season. Jake the pilot narrowed down his decision to 4 girls and got to go to their home towns to meet the families. I thoroughly enjoy these episodes because the girls stop saying things like, "I think we have a connection" and start saying things like, "I'm falling for him". There's nothing better than pretend love for the sake of television. It's the American dream.

Due to a rigorous screening process, the home town dates are ususally set in very large expensive homes filled with well-dressed people. I'm always dissapointed that the Bachelor doesn't have to meet a girl's family in a trailer with some random drug addict scratching at the screen door the entire time.

Here's a recap of the 4 home town dates:
-Jake met Gia's family out at a New York City restaurant. Gia's brother Erick gave men everywhere some good news. It turns out that you don't have to put a lot of product in your hair to be on television. Just go the natural route. I'm being sarcastic because this herb had about 40 pounds of Paul Mitchell weighing down his skull. He looked like a 'Blooming Onion'. Erick managed to threaten to break Jake's legs to deter him from breaking Vienna's heart. Erick weighs 106 pounds. Jake followed up this threat by raising his glass and saying "I love this family". Then they all started crying. Gia is an attractive swimsuit model.

- Ali's took Jake to her dead grandmother's house so that Jake could meet her dead grandmother. Ali then professed that her dead grandmother has "accepted" Jake. I am not making that up. More on Ali later...in...what....could......have....been.... THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER!!!!!!

- The producers hired a nice fake family of Actors to play Vienna's family. Jake seemed to like them, as was part of the arrangement when he agreed to be the Bachelor. The entire fake home date was a success. Vienna's fake family liked Jake and felt like he was perfect for their fake daughter, who was planted by the producers to appear on the show to make it more interesting. When Vienna's fake Dad cried, I almost fake cried. It was all very dramatic.

- Tenley showed Jake how good she is at ballet dancing. Then she took Jake to her house so she and her family could cry for three hours. Then, after speaking with Jake for 20 minutes, Tenley's dad gave him permission to marry his daughter.

OMG! The Rose Ceremony was so dramatic! Do you want to know why? Because there was no Rose Ceremony! SCREEEEEEAAAAMMM!!!!

Ali's job threatened to fire her if she didn't leave the Bachelor and return to work. She talked it out with Jake for, what turned out to be, the longest 45 minutes of my life. She wanted Jake to give her a sign that she was going to win the game show. Jake is contractually obligated not to tell the girls who he chose until the last day. So, even though she was falling head over heels in love, Ali left the show to go do marketing. It was just like Romeo and Juliet.

Ali left and Jake pretended to be really broken up about it. Then he gathered himself up and gave a rose to three other women, including a swimsuit model.

The drama is killing me, slowly.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Super Bowl Commercial Recap

Did you guys see the Super Bowl? I missed a lot of the game so I could take notes and give you this commercial recap because my boss respects me about as much as any of my ex-girlfriends do.

Before I recap the highlarity that resulted from millions of dollars of marketing research and CG technology, let us first take a look at where things went wrong. Football used to be a game of skill, finesse and cheating. Did you know that the very first professional football game played in 1892 wasn't even on television? Now, we have two weeks where every piece of meaningless drivel robotically delivered by an uncaring millionaire is sent directly to your phone.

There are people who view the big event specifically for the commercials. Watching the Super Bowl for the commercials is like making love for the exercise. Exercise should be third on your list behind 'procreation' and ahead of 'spite'. The Super Bowl should be watched for the football....and the gambling.

I guess I shouldn't complain. If Danica Patrick wants to pretend like she's almost going to get naked every year, I should just sit back and enjoy it. Here is your commercial recap:

- Super Bowl XLIV commercial breaks started out with a bang. Apparently, Russell Crowe is going to play Robin Hood. My immediate concern was over the threat of a possible comeback of that Bryan Adams song. Then I realized the 'Kevin Costner' Robin Hood came out almost twenty years ago. I feel old.

- I wonder if the people behind the advancement in Cinematography and special effects realize all of the trailblazing work that they've done led to Betty White being tackled in a Snicker's pick-up football game. If so, I hope that they're proud. That was a 'Win'.

- This year featured a large number of Ads with people smacking each other. I'm sure we'll find out, forty years from now, that our society is more violent because of Superbowl XLIV. The commercial with the little kid smacking his mother's date was a little jarring. I'm sure the good people at Doritos are busy reading letters today. The Doritos funeral commercial featuring a guy in a coffin full of Doritos watching football may have been the winner on Sunday.

- When I was 9, the Superbowl Shuffle was the greatest thing that ever happened, so it was hard for me to hate it yesterday. I do know that, if winning a Superbowl requires a dozen or so knee surgeries and the need for a Rascal Scooter at the age of 50, I'm glad I stunk at football.

- There wasn't a single person in my gathering of friends who isn't at least a little creped out by the E-trade babies. The commercial did lead to a heat discussion about 'Look Who's Talking' and whether or not it was 'cool' for a 12-year old boy to go see that movie at the theatre with his parents. Apparently, I'm not cool.

- The Saints won.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Superbowl Commercial Recap

The biggest football game of the year will be played in Miami on Sunday and the itinerary has been handed to the WGR 550 staff. We will need to follow interviews, injury news, write a running diary of the game and give opinions on why the Saints/Colts came out on top. I'm in charge of watching the Superbowl commercials and telling you what I think.

I wish I was dead.

I hate Superbowl commercials and I'm being forced to pay attention to them. When am I supposed to use the bathroom? But, like Winston Churchill once said, "You dug your own grave with those Bachelor recaps. Now dig your way out."

The good news is that I'm already pretty confident that I know what kind of commercials are going to be shown. So, I'm writing the recap now in hopes that I won't have to do it again Sunday night.

Here's a recap of what think we'll see Sunday. If I'm wrong, you'll get another one next Monday.

Worst Five Commercials:
5. The anti-smoking commercial- These commercials are probably effective, but I object to the idea of the :30 documentary recap where they got 5 kittens addicted to smoking and then showed how slow they jog.

4. The unsettling beer commercial that shows an alcoholic trying to get rid of his DT shakes with a new easy-pour can that makes the beer come out faster.

3. Jamie Lee Curtis eating a case of high-fiber yogurt in the kitchen with her friends and then making out with a bunch of preubeasant boys.

2. Bud Bowl 4.

1. The digitally reanimated corpse of Billy Mays displaying a new line of NFL licensed Snuggies.

Best Five Commercials:

5. Godaddy.com upping the 'softcore porn' ante with Danica Patrick stranded in a desert with the 1985 Chicago Bears.

4. ABC's cross-promotion ad where they reveal the ending of 'Lost'.

3. Chris Berman, Marie Osmond and Dan Marino each shoveling in handfuls of weight loss pills to see who can shed the most pounds in 30 seconds.

2. The beer commercial where the horses stop playing football to run over and kick the Kardashian family to death.

1. Bud Bowl V.

I hope you agree with me on my recap. Again, if none of these commercials actually happen, check in next Monday for the real Superbowl commercial recap....unless I'm fired by then. (fingers crossed)

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Dramatic Rose Ceremonies

When will women who want to be on a Reality Dating show learn? Never tell the Bachelor that you're saving yourself for marriage.

The only reasons a guy would subject himself to the process of leaving his life on hold for 6 months to listen to a dozen women complain about each other is so he can eventually have sex with a few of them in the fantasy suite. I've watched one hundred seasons of this show (it feels like one hundred) and there is always one girl who confesses that she's a virgin (like it's something you'd need to confess?) and they never make it to the end. Usually, the Bachelor never kicks a girl off the same week that she reveals her purity, but Jakey had some major groping to get in with there being just a few girls left.

So, we're now down to 4 women since Corrie told "fly boy" that she's not giving up the cookies.

Let's handi-cap the odds for the girls remaining.

Vienna- 3%
Considering that Vienna was planted by the producers of the Bachelor to pester and harrass the other girls and drum up ratings, I think she has a zero% chance of winning. Keep in mind that there is a 3% margin of error. Vienna is also ugly and kind of looks like a dude.

Tenley- 12%
I'm giving Tenley 12% because she's the most annoying girl in the history of the show. I hate her voice. I hate her smile. I hate that America probably think she's sincere, when no contestant on this show could ever be sincere.

Gia- 80%
Gia is a drop-dead gorgeous swimsuit model. What do you want here, talk about her personality? You're not getting it. I have no doubt that she's on the Bachelor to further her career and get some exposure. That usually makes me angry, but I'm just glad she's around. She's not annoying. She looks really good and gives me something to look forward to every week. Without Gia, I would spend the 2 hours looking for sharp objects to jam between my fingers to stay awake. Yes, I made her picture bigger on purpose.

Ali- 5%
Ali is spending all of her time trying to trash a woman planted by the producers to ruin the show. If you only get 3 minutes alone with a man to try and impress him enough to ask for your hand in marriage, try not talking about someone else the entire time. It's probably a turn-off. Ali is attractive, but I could see her getting angry and hitting kids. I don't know why I have this mental image of Ali leaning into the back of a Minivan to smack one of her children with a newspaper, but I can't shake it. She seems a little intense for me. Good thing I don't have abs. I don't have these kind of problems.

There you have it. Holy cow, next week is going to be so dramatic. It was revealed, in a promo at the end of Monday's show, that there will be no rose ceremony next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to put more exclamation points there, but I had to stop because I was crying so heavily.

Does ABC actually think that I'll be surprised that there's no Rose Ceremony next week? Of course there isn't. Mr. Pilot kicked a bunch of extra women off of the show a week early, so they need to fill to get to sweeps week. It's television science, not drama. I can't wait to see Jake get 'fake' upset over the idea of kicking more skanks to the curb and cancel the rose ceremony. It's going to be ultra-dramatic. It'll be Dramatically Dramatical.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Bachelor- On the Wings of Dumping a Bunch of Women

So, Jake is a nice guy because he cleared out half of the field Monday night in a couple of fell swoops. Okay, I didn't know that dumping double the number of women that a Television Network asked you to dump was honorable, but that's what happened.

It was the most dramatic dumping of 4 women in Bachelor history!!! (3 exclamation points, by the way....just sayin')

This pilot guy is a piece of work. First of all, between being the Bachelor this season, and being a contestant last season, this guy hasn't flown a plane in a year. Who wants to be on the first flight after Jake-e-poo is done ruining lives on his little show? When I miss a week of work, it takes me days to recover, and I just push buttons for an AM radio station. Jake flies planes. They better jam him into a simulator first.

Second of all, the Bachelor sucks. (Sorry, I've had a lot of coffee. I was assuming no one read down this far.)

For those of you keeping score at home, Jessie, Ashleigh, (that's actually how she spells 'Ashley'.) Ella and Kathryn (that's actually how she spells 'Catherine'.) all were sent home. Ella and Kathryn had a double date where only one girl was suppossed to get a rose. Jake booted both of them. Then, in the most dramatic rose ceremony ever, Jake kicked out an extra girl.

This is how it happened. And, try to keep up because it was really dramatic:
There were two roses left and three girls waiting for their rose so they could be on T.V. longer.
Just as Jake was about to call out a name, he stopped. Then he pretended like he was going to cry, as was discussed earlier in the week with the producers. Then, he left the room to find Chris, the host of the show. Even though, in 8 seconds, Chris was about to come out and tell everyone that there was only one more rose left, he was nowhere to be found. This tool has one thing to do, tell the girls that there's only one rose left, and they can't find him. It was dramatically convenient.

They showed Jake talking to a producer, who then gets on a walkie-talkie, trying to find Chris. It's all very dramatic. Finally, they find Chris in the next room. Jake asks Chris for advice in dumping two women instead of one. Chris gives him the double thumbs up and then goes into the rose ceremony room and tells the girls that two of them are getting dumped so Jake doesn't have to. It was pretty dramatic.

That last two paragraphs were awful but, I'm quite certain no one is reading this so, I felt safe.

The most attractive woman remaining is Gia. She's a swimsuit model who is looking for true love. My pick to win has changed to Ali. She's an awful human being though, so she loses some points. My wife likes Tenley. For some reason, the sound of Tenley's voice doesn't make my wife want to murder people. We have our differences. The producers made Jake keep Vienna around because she annoys the rest of the girls and probably improves the ratings of this waste of resources we call a T.V. show.

ABC is constantly running promos in an attempt to find the next Bachelor. I told my wife that, if she dies in a train accident, I would wait a year to send a tape into the network. I argued that I can't wait too long because there aren't many Bachelors over the age of 35.
I even told her that she could help me make my tape now, just in case. She got mad. My wife doesn't believe in being prepared.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The Bachelor: On the Wings of an Anti-Climactic Episode

I think only three girls cried during this week's episode of the Bachelor. It certainly was not the most dramatic episode ever.

The advertisers for this show have to be worried because I'm losing interest. You can't follow up an episode where a model sleeps around with stage grips with a nice quiet trip to Sea World. And what do the producers like so much about bungee jumping? Every season, someone is jumping off of a bridge with the Bachelor. It's getting old. That bridge was only 300 feet high. If the cord snapped, they both would have probably survived with minor head injuries.

My show recap is stained with disappointment. It can't be as much disappointment as the people who went out to see a comedy show one night and wound up watching 8 women get hammered and scream about how much they hate Vienna.

The only semi-dramatic event from Week 3 was the departure of the clearly insane Michelle. For those of you who don't watch the show, Michelle was brought in by the producers to give the show it's first ever triple-homicide. They were picking contestants when they saw her out in the street eating a live Robin. They dragged her into the ABC studios, combed her hair and threw her into a dress. Then, they gave her enough Meds to survive a couple of weeks. It was fun while it lasted.

It is truly disheartening how it ended for Michelle. I wanted to see blood. You can't just allow that nutjob to leave the show in the middle of an episode. I wanted her exit to be dramatic.
Picture a rose ceremony where she doesn't end up with a rose and just snaps. She grabs Tenley's rose and stabs her in the throat with it. Then she takes out Jake with the heel of her shoe in a murder-suicide rage. I know that is what the producers wanted.

Not surprisingly, Jake said goodbye to my favorite, Elizabeth from Nebraska, because she wouldn't kiss him. Poor Elizabeth just played the game wrong. If you're competing with 10 other girls almost as smoking hot as you, you gotta "give up the cookies". (That phrase was stolen from Mokita of the T.O. show.)

I found it funny when Elizabeth questioned Jake about the need to kiss her and he said, "Kissing is how I show affection". I would hate to be his nephew.

I would express surprise over Valishia being sent home, but I honestly do not remember ever seeing her on the show. I'm not sure that she wasn't just planted in as an extra for week 3. That doesn't say much about her impression on Jake.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The Bachelor- On the Wings of Sleeping With A Boom Mic Operator

The whole premise of this season's 'Bachelor' is that nice guys don't have to finish last. It's too bad that, on the second episode, the hottest "contestant" had sex with a member of the production crew. I wonder if Jake feels that he has won under this scenario?

Rozlyn, a model who was on the show to find true love and not to further her career in a lucrative but cut-throat field, was so enamored with Jake that she held out for 24 hours before rubbing up against the nearest male she could find.

Rozlyn was confronted during the cocktail reception before the rose ceremony by the Host of the show, Chris. Unlike every Major League Baseball player, she did not deny any wrong doing. She just packed her bags and left. IT WAS THE MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR EVER!

It was a dumb move. I'm sure her agent is seething. She would have made it until the final week and would have had that much more exposure time to nail down that Revlon gig.

Can I say something? How cool is this 'Production Assistant'? You're some grip on a TV show set, and you convince a smoking hot model to ruin her chances of winning a fake-love reality show for a make-out session. This guy needs to have his own reality TV show. Either that, or this Rozlyn chic is a sex-crazed nymphomaniac. In which case, she definitely needs to have her own show.....on Cinemax.

Other happenings:

My favorite to win, Elizabeth from Nebraska, ruined any chance of that happening by telling Jake he can't kiss her until she's chosen as his bride. Might as well pack that suitcase, Liz. I can already hear Jake spouting some bullcrap about needing to "see if the chemistry is there". The bottom line is, you don't go making your own rules, Liz. It's 'The Bachelor', not 'The attention-starved Nanny'.

The producers purposely kept the insane chic, Michelle, away from Jake this week so he wouldn't get to spend time with her and figure out that she's out of her mind. She didn't get a date and that always means getting a rose. When are these girls going to figure this out? Look at that one girl who broke her ankle a couple of seasons ago. She got two sympathy weeks out of that injury.

With Michelle around, viewers actually have something interesting to watch. This psychopath will slap someone before the season is over. I'm hoping it's Vienna.

Next week, someone else gets kicked off of the show for doing something bad. I'll just assume Michelle murdered 6 people.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Bachelor Recap- On The Wings of Love

It is that time of year America. It's time for life to hold my arms behind my back and pound me in the stomach with the butt end of a rifle.

The Bachelor is back on the air.

For those of you who don't watch and are new to the show, one guy chooses a bride from 25 women. 23 of them are hot. 7 of them are planted by the producers to stir up drama and controversy. 11 of them are models or actresses auditioning for future talk show roles with ABC. 4 of them are completely out of their minds. All of them will claim to love him 17 minutes after meeting him.

This season, Jake Pavelka transforms himself from a jilted contestant to 'the Bachelor'. Jake is a nice-guy pilot from Texas who was rejected by last season's Bachelorette, Jilian. Now, he gets to choose from 25 beautiful women in what is expected to be the most dramatic season ever. Every season they say it's "the most dramatic season ever". Eventually, we are going to have to reach the breaking point of drama.

They have titled the season, "On the wings of Love", because Jake is a pilot. It's such a touching sentiment. There are rumors that, next season, The Bachelor is a garbage man. They are going to title it, "Love comes to the curb every Monday morning at 8".

Here is a recap of Episode 1:

-The "Abs" bar has been raised this season. Jake has brought some serious abs to the table and ABC wasted no time showing these suckers off. While describing how Jake is a normal, nice guy who always finishes last, they provide footage of him doing construction with his shirt off. I tried to build a shed this summer but my shirt kept getting caught in the band saw. If I only I had Jake's experience. There was a lingering shot of Jake in the shower where they showed him soaping up an ab for, like, 7 seconds. You might not think that's long, but go ahead and count to 7.
- In the interview portion of the show, Jake tells the host Chris that, after getting his heart broke by Jilian, he needed some time to recover. It would be a week and a half before they starting filming the new season. The paperwork would have to be filled out before filming began, so Jake probably had a solid hour or two before deciding he wanted to be the next Bachelor. Luckily, his heart wasn't really broken, so the transition was smooth.

- Jake stands in front of a mansion as 5 limos pull up, each carrying 5 contestants. Jake will meet each of these women, one at a time. They will say something awkward and then go inside and start drinking a helacious amount of alcohol. I've noticed that a lot of girls have been using props during their initial meeting to make more of an impression. Some girl named Valishia gave him dirt from Texas. Another girl gave him a red cooler full of ice and an actual human heart.

- You are given early clues as to who will last a couple of episodes on the show. Like, when a girl with giganic breats named Vienna is introduced, they show you a detailed, 4-minute video package describing her life back home. She's making it through a rose ceremony or two. Vienna was blonde, stunningly beautiful and had a little dog. She has never had to ask for anything her entire life. I wish they would show her doing her taxes.
- Tenley was an incredibly stupid 15-year old Dancer who got the first impression rose. She struck me as mentally unstable. During her video montage, they showed her lying around her apartment, thinking. The idea was, she was thinking about finding her true love. All I could think of was the producers instructing her to "lie down on the couch and think". And then Tenley would ask, "What should I think of?" And then the producers would say, "Think about finding your true love". And then Tenley would ask, "Like this? Does this look like I'm thinking about finding my true love?" And then the producers would say, "Yes, that's great. Just stop talking."

- My favorite to win the show was Elizabeth from Nebraska (pictures left). She's hot, somewhat normal, and will look good hosting the New Years Eve ball drop or whatever reality show ABC has lined up for her future.

- Michelle was completely out of her mind. 10 minutes after meeting Jake, she started crying because 24 other souless women were talking to him and she was suppossed to be the only souless woman who was allowed to do that. You see, Michelle is in love with Jake. When she finally got her chance to talk to Jake, she said, "I..um...would ... love to be...um....the passenger in your....um...........plane."

Michelle would be on her way home on account of being insane and stupid, but the producers get to choose a couple of contestants that Jake must move to the next round to keep the show interesting. Otherwise, he would meet Elizabeth and then tell everyone else to go home 4 seconds into the season.

- After the Bachelor, ABC rolled out a show called 'Conveyor Belt of Love'. As you might have guessed, 5 girls sit in chairs as 30 guys roll by on a conveyor belt and they choose which ones they want to go out on a date with. I got all choked up while watching 'Conveyor Belt of Love' because that's how my parents met.