Saturday, October 31, 2009

Pick A Century

It's unanimous. The best time to be a 92-year old is right now.

Pick a better century.
0-to-100 Would have been fun with all of the Jesus excitement, plus there were Lions in Europe but you had to go to the bathroom outside. Everything happened in town, so the rent for a downtown apartment would have been steep. Good luck if you're allergic to leather.

100-to-200 Would have been awful. If you tried to tell Commodus he was full of shit for claiming to be Hercules reincarnated, he would have had you burned at the stake. Although, I'll bet that beer was delicious in 150. It was probably about 18 percent alcohol back then. Your back hurt constantly.

200-to-300 Sure, Commodus was dead by now, but you had to walk to town to bathe with people. (Again, a downtown apartment was key.) The last thing I want to deal with in the morning is a bunch of old dudes checking out my junk. At least eyeglasses were invented, so I could drive at night.
300-to-400 People stopped setting Rome on fire, but try getting that smell out of your clothes. We were still about 1600 years away from 'Snuggle'. And sure, there are free horses all over the place, but try catching one. You could throw a spear at its legs but then your horse would have a limp. And it'll never trust you.

400-to-500 Everyone has opium but there are no comfortable chairs.

500-to-600 I like silk as much as the next guy, but if you're stabbing people in the face for it, you're living in a pretty boring century. If you're Asian, most of your friends have Black Death, which cancels League Night. Backgammon is invented. It's been 1500 years, and I still don't know how to play it.

600-to-700 They say 100 million people were killed by the Plague of Justinian, so parking is ample but you're spending most of your time at funerals. Money is finally made of paper, but now you need a wallet. English poetry is invented, so some sensitive, douche bag British guy is bound to steal your girlfriend because he notices birds.

700-to-800 We have harps but Vikings are are crashing our beach parties and killing people. The Byzantines and Arabs keep bothering you to pick a side. Horses are finally doing most of the work but it costs a fortune to feed them.

800-to-900 The Chinese have gunpowder so the streets aren't safe anymore. Tree stump removal is near impossible. Alfred starts calling himself 'Alfred the Great' so there's no talking to him. It takes you 8 years to make a decent canoe and one of the kids from town throws a rock at it.

900-to-1000 Seriously, nothing happened for 100 years and the smell was overpowering.
1000-to-1100 There's finally something to read but it's in Japanese and you're still a thousand years away from being able to walk to Best Buy to get Rosetta Stone. Math is now everywhere. There are finally hospitals for your head wounds but the lines are unbearable. We have clocks, but no TV-info button to press to see at what time we should set our new clocks. People are still dying from colds.

1100-to-1200 Your friends are annoying the shit out of you over 11:11:11 on 11/11/1111. They're throwing 11/11/1111 parties and the line at the market is nuts for the entire week. It still takes a half-hour to use the bathroom so you miss the whole thing and you're not even going to be alive for 12:12:12 on 12/12/1212.

1200-to-1300 Your girlfriend keeps wondering aloud what Genghis Kahn is like and you keep telling her "He's just going to rape you!" You've burned half of your life making bread, not to mention the time spent picking floaties out of your water. Eye glasses are better, but so are hand guns.
1300-to-1400 There's nothing to eat in Europe. You're natural instincts start to deteriorate because of the compass. There are 3 popes. People are finally starting to get soup right but 20 different Philosophers are contradicting each other. If you sleep 4 hours on a 13th century mattress, it's a good night.

1400-to-1500 Guilliaume Dufay is making quality music but you have to ride a horse 1,500 miles to hear it and, by the time you get there, he's dead. The First Bank of Earth is invented. Patrons can't even threaten to take their 17 dollars to a different bank if they don't take away a couple of overdraft charges. Christopher Columbus gets lost and then brings syphilis from the New World back to Europe, killing millions. The Scotch invent Whiskey. Someone goes to work on Asprin.

1500-to-1600 Your girlfriend keeps bugging you to take her to see the Sistine Chapel. By popular demand, you now have the letter 'J', but you're stabbed to death by a Tartar. Woman are finally wearing make-up but most of them have syphilis because of that asshole, Columbus. William Shakespeare invents the chic-flick.

1600-to-1700 You've finally gotten the hang of fractions and then Gottfried Leibnitz invents the Binary system. They build Havard and now your parents are constantly on you to get in there. There's finally ice cream but there's only, like, 3 flavors. There's now an Opera House in Venice but the scalpers are brutal.

1700-to-1800 Everyone in France is moody. People start asking you to put political posters on your lawn. You keep burning yourself with steam. The cost of tea skyrockets in Boston. You have no idea what "skyrocket" means. There are finally pianos but, now every song has a piano solo. Your girlfriend keeps bothering you to build an addition because Samuel Miller invented a Circular Saw. Everywhere you look, a Volcano is erupting.

1800-to-1900 Restaurants are finally washing lettuce but the silverware weighs 30 pounds. If you were a part of an empire, it just collapsed. You spent all day digging a canal and, suddenly, you don't feel so hot. There is finally Football, but no 'Sunday Ticket'.

1900-to-present Nachos and Snow Tires. Thanks to plastics and wiring, I can yell at an 8-year old in Prague that he made me die in HALO. We're so spoiled by scented detergent that someone has to invent unscented detergent. I can use the bathroom during the commercial break. If my wife starts crying, I can pause 'Die Hard'. The Bills suck but Red Robin keeps bringing you more French Fries. Paula Abdul leaves 'Idol'. If the Mayans were right, you've only got 2 years to finish that novel.
The facts speak for themselves. There is no better time to be 92-years old.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Salt As a Present

My wife got me a Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp for my birthday. Salt Rocks release negative ions into the air when they come into contact with moisture. I was shooing the negative ions out the window until my wife explained to me that they're a good thing.

You see, negative ions attach themselves to pollen, mold, and fart particles and destroy them without prejudice.

If you still don't understand, I'll explain it in laymans' terms.

Picture Tom Berenger in "The Substitute". Now, Tom Berenger is the 'negative ion' and the students running an illegal drug operation through Tom Berenger's High School are the 'air particles that cause colds and famine'.

Tom Berenger is not going to just sit there and let dirty air particles mess up his school. He's an ex-marine. Plus, there are a couple of good air particles who are there to learn.

So Tom Berenger smashes some of the bad air particles in the throat with chairs. He throws one of them out of the library window. He beats the crap out of Wolfson while two guys making Jai-Alai rackets just sit there and watch. Then he finds out Wilson from Ghostbusters, one of the good air particles who was the principal, is actually running the whole drug operation.

What would you do if you were Tom Berenger?

You'd kill Wilson from Ghostbusters to purify the air.

I love my new Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp. I've already added 3 inches to my vertical jump with all of the negative ions killing dander and making the air easier to jump through. I plan on bringing a 300-foot orange extension cord down to the basketball courts so I can plug in my Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp and dunk on some Herb's mold-infested head.

I find myself driving through neighborhoods and watching other people open their birthday presents. I hope they enjoy their 'Beatles Rock Band' as the Dust Mites infiltrate their ear canals and shorten their lifespan. I'll be home curled up in bed with my Salt Lamp, cackling laughter. Living forever.

And, Yes. Mold-infested is hyphenated so don't bother opening a new window to look it up.