Monday, July 28, 2014

Bachelorette Recap - Andi Dumps Her Boyfriend for Her Fiance

Andi Dorfman is finally going to find love. No one said it could be done. Including me. Tonight, we witness the epic final battle between Nick V. and Josh. I wonder if, hundreds of years from now, drunk guys will get together to reenact the battle between Josh the baseball player and Nick V. like some guys do now with the Civil War. Will they dress time-specific with scarves and pink shorts? Will there ever be a president Nick V? Will the History Channel produce a 6-part series about tonight’s finale, narrated by Charles Kuralt?

These and many other questions will never be answered because they are dumb.

Andi and her boyfriends and a bunch of camera guys, some interns, Clare’s dad and Chris Harrison are in the Dominican Republic which, we can all agree, is the perfect place to fall in love.

Update on our Bachelorette Fantasy League: the 17 people who were in line to tie for the title submitted a tie breaker to me by email. They were to guess the number of times Andi says “stop” during the 2-hour finale, before the ‘After the Rose’ crap-thing. The low guess was 2, the high guess was 30. I’ll keep a tally as we go.

Update on ‘Bachelors in Paradise’: I’m going to recap it because my wife told me I have to. Also, I hate every single one of you with great passion.

We begin by previewing the episode to come. There’s a live studio audience of cat owners and past contestants from the show. Chris Harrison says things like, “You won’t believe what’s going to happen.” and “the dramatic ending you won’t see coming.”  Unless wolves come out and Andi dominates the pack, takes a mate and joins a wolf pack, I’m quite certain that I’ll believe what’s going to happen. And, unless Andi, Josh and Nick V. tackle Chris Harrison, tie him up and throw him into a volcano, I’ll see the ending coming.

Nick V. and Josh the baseball player will both meet Andi’s family and try to win them over in an hour. I only got 45 minutes with my wife’s family, so it should be a piece of cake.

In her Dominican hotel, Andi stands on a porch and thinks about love. I can’t believe what’s happening. Nick V. walks up for their date. It’s the dramatic beginning I didn’t see coming.

Nick V. is super nervous to meet the family. They notice and judge him. He’s being judged. The music is judgmental. You guys were totally judging him. He’s blowing it. We’re watching him blow his chances.

Just as you thought all hope was lost, Nick V. gushes to Andi’s mom about how much he loves Andi. He says “love” 30 times. Andi’s mom is so overcome with emotion that water comes out of her eyes. I wouldn’t believe that this was going to happen.

Andi tells her family how much she likes Nick. She says, “He sees my soul.” I wouldn’t want someone to see my soul. I’m not even sure I have one. If I do, I’d sell it to get out of ever recapping this show again.

After knowing him for 20 minutes, Nick V. asks Andi’s dad for his daughter’s hand in marriage. It’s dramatic. It’s the dramatic thing I didn’t see coming. Andi’s dad says yes. I feel so relieved, I breathe for the first time since the finale began.

With dad’s permission in his back pocket, Nick the fifth takes Andi into the yard to say goodbye and slurp on her face. It’s slurpy. More points. So far, Andi hasn’t said ‘Stop’.

After the break, we go back to the live studio audience in LA. Keep up! There’s wild cheering. Chris Harrison throws it back to the Dominican for Josh’s family encounter. Keep up!

When Andi tells Andi’s dad that Josh is an athlete, Andi’s dad is super skeptical. The music is skeptically. Nick is nervous because you only get one chance to make a first impression. Andi’s dad thinks it’s funny that Josh is sweaty and nervous. They’re all LOLing. I was LOLing. You guys were too.

Andi talks to her sister about the comparison of Josh to her former boyfriends. Her sister has pretty eyes. I’m sure she’ll be the Bachelorette next. Andi’s dad grills Josh about being a jock. Andi’s dad doesn’t believe in buttoning his shirts up. Andi’s dad and Josh have a lot in common. Josh professes his love and assures Andi’s dad that he feels a forever love and that he’ll be able to love Andi in a Target checkout aisle while their kids are screaming and their water heater is broken. Andi’s dad gives Josh his blessing. So, in the course of a year, he’s given his daughter away to Nick V., Josh and Juan Pablo. Good job, dad!

When dad is done with blessing giving, Andi and Josh make out in the driveway. It’s, again, slurpy. I don’t believe what just happened.

Josh gets a date next. Andi’s family doesn’t tag along. They go out on a yacht so they can make out and Josh gets 10 more points. Bachelor interns set out limes, snacks and drinks and then run down into the cabin to power the boat. I wonder if the Captain of ship has an emergency procedure in case pirates attack their yacht like in ‘Captain Philips’. Pirates would steal all of the roses.

Josh and Andi hang out on a blanket and slurp more. They talk and there’s talking. For some reason, Andi is not using the word ‘stop’ in any sentences. Andi talks about how much fun she has with Josh, which is pretty amazing because this date is as boring as dirt. I hate watching it. They jump in the water. ABC pays $10,000 just to have a camera in the water to capture the 4-second splash and then the 4-minute ocean make-out session. They snorkel and there’s snorkeling.

After snorkeling, seriously how do you guys read these?

After snorkeling, Andi and Josh talk about serious things because Andi has doubts. The music is doubty. They do that growly low talk. It’s a good thing they’re wearing microphones so we can hear every pointless word. Josh is ready for marriage. Andi admits that she’s afraid their love might be exclusively physical. Josh uses clichés about peaks and valleys to assure her that everything is super on the level. Then, they make out.

Josh made Andi a baseball card, complete with stats on the back. It lists her errors as not being able to dance. Everyone laughs. I laugh. The fun fact says that “Husband Josh can’t imagine his life without her”. He made her name ‘Andi Murray’ on the card, giving Andi his last name without proposing or marrying her first. That’s super awkward and stalkery. That card is going to be really awkward if she doesn’t choose him. Of course, that would make the card worth more. The corners are a little rough, so it would only grade at 9.5. Sports memorabilia quota filled.

Nick V. gets his chance to make a final impression. They jump in a jeep to explore the Dominican Republic. There’s a lot of driving and enjoying each other’s company. There is also super loud calypso music that makes it hard to hear people talk. Someone at ABC is getting lazy with the volume buttons. I’m really tired.

They park their jeep so they can eat mangoes and talk more. Why couldn’t they just talk and eat in their nice jeep? Andi and Nick talk about her family and stuff. I could be working on my basement or doing math right now.

Andi really likes Nick. She says, “When I think about Nick, it makes me feel things very deeply.” You can tell because she’s always standing on balconies and thinking. Andi and Nick V. jump into a lagoon and my wife freaks out because of the potential for Dominican snakes. I reassure her that poor Bachelorette interns have already walked into and canvassed the lagoon for snakes and extracted any poison with their calves.

When they’re done lagooning, they go to a hotel room for an awkward conversation. I don’t know what she sees in Nick V. He can’t even really talk. He toasts, “Here’s to an incredible… nine weeks… to you to being here with you right now… to our last date and… with this whole thing but hopefully not our last thing… to us.” It’s a super romantic toast. Andi says, “You are working that brain, aren’t you.” I throw up in my mouth a little bit.

Nick wants to ask Andi who she’s going to choose. That’s not how this show works, Nick V! You can’t ask the Bachelorette if she likes you! This isn’t like a normal relationship! This is about true love! When true love happens, it only comes from one of the people involved! This show has rules, you know!

Andi does a good job of rambling and not answering his question about whether or not he wins the Game Show. Nick V. says that he can’t wait to go grocery shopping with her. Trust me, Nick V. That is not a good time. Andi asks what a day in Chicago would be like with Nick V. He’s supposed to say that they might end up in Atlanta, but he doesn’t because he’s the guy and the girl has to move to the guy’s city. This show has rules, you know!

Nick V. gives Andi a necklace made from the sand from the first beach they met on, or something. She says “Stop it”, giving us our first ‘stop’ of the finale. By the way, going back to the beach you had a date on and collecting sand for a necklace is not romantic. It’s terrifyingly psychopathic. It would be more romantic to bring a girl a squirrel’s head.

Back at the live studio audience, Chris Harrison asks the cat owners who they think is in the lead for Andi’s love. The cat owners cheer louder for Josh. Josh is gaining momentum. I would have guessed that Nick V. was a shoe-in to win. I still do. THIS IS THE DRAMATIC ENDING I DIDN’T SEE COMING!

We’re only an hour and ten minutes in and Andi is already waking up and talking about her final rose ceremony. We get footage of Andi walking around her hotel and thinking. Nick V will do that to you. We also see Nick V. and Josh wake up and open their window blinds without shirts on. Did cameramen wake them up by throwing rocks at the window, or did they perch silently in their bushes, waiting for the exact moment where they woke up with no shirts on to open the blinds? You guys never answer my questions.

Nick V. sits on a balcony and thinks about love. Josh also stands on a balcony and thinks about love. They both get 10 points for doing that. Nick V. is ready to propose to Andi. Josh is super nervous because he’s going to propose and Andi might say ‘no’. I’m super nervous for both of them. You guys have no idea.

Diamond whore Neil Lane arrives to Josh’s hotel room to get his well deserved 10 minutes of air time. If you don’t know who Neil Lane is, he’s owns a little place that sells jewelry. Times have been rough for Neil so it’s nice that ‘The Bachelorette’ throws him this bone. Maybe he’ll get back on his feet some day.

When it’s time for Nick V. to welcome in Neil Lane, it’s Andi at the door. IT’S THE DRAMATIC ENDING I DIDN’T SEE COMING. Andi is there to dump Nick V. ABC throws it back to the live studio audience to get reaction. Keep up.

Chris Harrison asks some former contestants what they think. Clare gets the first chance to have 30 more seconds on TV. She says that she doesn’t know what’s going to happen, even though we all know, you know? Chris the farmer stands up to talk and all of the cat owners scream. The sound creates a tsunami. Some guy named Drew talks and I don’t know who he is so his opinion is obsolete.

Michelle Money bursts in and asks who the next Bachelor is. The cat owners start chanting ‘Chris’, because they want it to be Chris the farmer so they can have nights away from their cats. Chris Harrison refuses to admit that Chris the farmer is going to be Chris the Bachelor.

We’re back to Nick the Fifth’s hotel room. Keep up! Andi is about to dump him. She dumps him. She says that it’s not right and starts crying. Nick V. starts crying. I hold it together for the sake of the recap.

Nick V. asks Andi when she started feeling this way. It’s a really good question. Andi certainly wasn’t obligated by ABC to lead Nick V. along to this point of the Game Show. Nick V. is super pissed. He calls shenanigans because Andi didn’t act like she didn’t love him when he told her he loved her. Please read back that last sentence and check it for grammar.

We’re 3 minutes into this break-up and I already would rather watch my dog helplessly drown in a swimming pool. It’s so stupid and painful. There’s a reason why people break up in private. We shouldn’t be watching this, you guys.

Nick V. is upset and tells Andi that she took this whole thing too far. He points out that they were in the water and she said things. I’m not following any of this. There is crying. The music is super sad. Nick V. pulls it together and tells Andi that he hopes she’s a million percent sure about dumping him. She says that she is. Really, Andi? A million percent? You’re a million percent sure? Stop it.

Bachelorette interns pack his bags and Nick V. gets into his dump limo. He cries and doesn’t talk for, like, 12 minutes. It’s super awkward. When he finally does talk, I hope for him to stop. Get over it, dude! She dumped you 15 minutes ago! Move on!

Nick the Fifth doesn’t understand why Andi dumped him because the thing they had was really real and for real. I thought it was really real. To be honest, the hardest thing to do in sports is to go wire-to-wire from First Impression Rose to Game Show winner. I don’t even know if that’s been done before. Are you guys still reading this?

When they come back to the live studio audience, there’s stunned silence from the cat owners. I wake my dog up by laughing very loudly.

We go to break and Andi acts like there’s a chance she might not give Josh the baseball player a rose. It’s pretty stupid. I hate when ABC strings us along with fake drama. By the way, did I mention I will be recapping ‘Bachelors in Paradise’?

Josh the baseball player is super excited. Chris Harrison welcomes him with a handshake. ABC put out giant green vases on the porch. They’re bigger than Chris Harrison and Josh the baseball player. I wonder how many vase-related injuries occurred this season.

Josh walks up to Andi on their love pier. Josh gives Andi a speech about his life changing and stuff. It’s the dramatic ending we totally believed and saw coming. Andi is all smiles. The speech is super long. I can’t believe he memorized the entire thing. I can’t believe Andi stayed awake through the entire thing.

Andi seems happy. Then, the music changes. Andi starts talking. She’s dumping Josh the baseball player. We’re watching two dumpings. Josh is scared! I’m scared! The music is scary! Wait, it’s a goof. Andi loves Josh. She’s madly in love with him. It was totally a goof. You guys totally fell for it. Those knuckleheads at ABC totally goofed you. You guys are goofs.

Josh proposes to Andi Dorfman, crippling the value of her baseball trading card. She’ll be Andi Murray now, unless they never get married because they’ll be in Target buying toilet paper instead of on a yacht eating grapes.

Andi and Josh make out a bunch. I can’t even hear what’s being said, which is good. They’re all happy. Andi gives Josh a rose and he takes it. He wins the game show. They’re disgusting together. I seriously can’t even keep up with how many times they slurp each other’s face. I’m really not feeling well.

They watch the sunset and say, “I love you” six million times. I’ve learned one thing tonight, you guys. Love is totally possible.

Andi only said ‘stop’ once. Gina J. won the first ever Bachelor/ Bachelorette Fantasy League. Congratulations to Gina. We will have another League in the fall, unless I’m shot by a guy robbing a convenience store or something.

Our journey isn’t over. We get the bullcrap ‘After the Final Rose’ special. Nick V. needs closure and he’s out to get it. Andi wouldn’t talk to him after dumping him. Typical girl!
Nck V. goes into a grocery store with all of his heartbreak. Cameras are there to capture it, so you can see the heart break… and the groceries.

They drag out Nick V’s mom so she can cry. She could have stopped her son from going on TV to find a wife, but parenting is mostly hindsight.

They show Nick V. arrive in LA to confront Chris Harrison. ABC has gotten really good at filming people’s feet as they step out of cars. I’ll bet there’s a class in broadcast schools where you specifically learn to film feet as they get out of cars.

Chris Harrison finds out that Nick V. is still in love and agrees to go talk to Andi for him. Andi isn’t keen on the idea of seeing Nick V. He’s old news. I yell that out in my living room. I yell, “He’s old news, Andi!” No one listens to me.

Nick V. gives Chris Harrison a letter to give to Andi. All of the sudden, Chris Harrison is UPS or something. That’s a lot to ask of Chris Harrison. It’s not like Nick V. asked Chris Harrison to tell him how many roses were left in a pile. He’d be able to easily do that. Letter delivery, though…  I don’t know, you guys.

Andi must confront Nick V. in front of the live studio audience. There’s still, like 50 minutes left. I’m so tired of this. Chris Harrison asks a lot of stupid questions we already know the answer to. Nick V. tries to stumble through the answers while crying. This is some awkward live television. Luckily for me, I’m completely emotionally disconnected from everything in the world from watching this show for so long.

Next, they bring out Andi for closure. It’s closurey. Andi comes out. Nick V. asks her why she dumped him. She already told him this in the Dominican. Didn’t she already tell him why she dumped him? Was he not listening? It’s a good thing she dumped him because he doesn’t listen. Anyways, Andi’s not talking. She’s just nodding. This segment is torture.

Eventually, they talk. There’s talking. We watch it happen. Cat owners nod their approval and disapproval. Chris Harrison interrupts by asking, “Did you love Nick or parts of Nick?” He really asked her that. He said “parts”. Andi admits that she did love parts of Nick. She doesn’t specify which parts.

Nick V. asks Andi why she made love with him. I’m all like Woah. It’s the dramatic ending I didn’t see coming! Andi is totally caught off guard and calls that statement “below the belt”. This show has no rules. I guess we now know which “part” Andi loved.

Nick V. drags Andi through the mud for her shag-and-dump move. She’s super defensive. He felt like their sex thing made them engaged. It’s getting super confronty in here. It’s hard to tell for sure without dramatic music. Just when it’s getting good, Chris Harrison interrupts and sends it to commercial. I hate Chris Harrison.

To make me angrier, Chris Harrison shows us footage of the worst thing ever. It’s ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ and I’m going to recap it to make up for the terrible things I’ve done in this life and past lives. All of your favorite hookers are back. Marcus, Brooks, the woman with 1 and ¾ arms, Clare, Clare’s dad, Michelle Money who won’t go away, Chris the angry guy, Marquel and more people. There will be ambulances and blood. That makes me feel a little better.

I hope this trend of the Wendy’s chick singing during their commercials ends soon.

Next, we bring out Josh so he can react to just finding out that his fiancé slept with the Game Show runner-up. I’m sure he’s thrilled about that information. Andi and Josh are super happy and still super engaged. We all bask in their love. It’s basky. So, I’ll totally be able to sleep tonight because Andi found love. I can’t wait to continue to follow their six-month journey through supermarket tabloid covers and emails that people, for some reason, send me as soon as something happens with anyone who has ever been involved with this show.

To end, Chris Harrison brings out Grumpy Cat so Andi and Grumpy Cat can frown together. We've come so far. I get all emotional just thinking about how much we’ve all grown. You’ve totally grown, you guys.

Thank you for reading down this far, and for reading recaps of the worst show on television. It’s worse than the 1974-75 Washington Capitals. Sports quota filled.

Monday, July 21, 2014

Bachelorette Recap - Cat Owners Watch a Live Ultrasound

You need energy in order to hate something. Because there is only a certain amount of energy in the entire universe, there is only so much hate possible. One cannot hate beyond the physical limits of science. It’s depressing because I want to imagine that my hate for ‘The Bachelorette – The Men Tell All’ is infinite. I am not comfortable putting limits on my hate for this show. In a perfect world, my hate would resonate through every living thing, soaring through space to touch other galaxies. I want deep thinkers on distant planets to tap into my hate and write Haikus about it. Carl Carlton wanted an everlasting love. I’d like an everlasting hate that grows and blooms.

I can’t have it.

Andi Dorfman has narrowed down her quest for singular courtship down to two people. It’s romantic. That all has to wait until next week because the ‘Men Tell All’ tonight. It’s ‘The Men Tell All’ episode. I hate it so much.

Speaking of hate, Chris Harrison welcomes Ashley H. out to begin the show. She’s the worst thing that has ever happened. Ashley H. is with her husband, J.P. He made his own decisions. Ashley H. is ridiculously pregnant. Because ABC is a desert of creative thought, they need material for their 2-hour ‘Men Tell All’ episode. For a super, neat, fun idea, Ashley H. is getting a live ultrasound to determine the sex of her baby. It’s not actually live because this show is taped, but it’s live.

First, J.P. and Ashley H. talk about their happiness. Keep up. There’s a ton of talking and smiling. Everyone is smiling. Are you guys smiling? I was totally smiling. They talk more. So much talking… and smiling.

Next comes the live ultrasound. Chris Harrison says, “Trust me, you’re not going to want to miss this.” I would never trust you, Chris Harrison. I am excited about the ultrasound because I’m not totally convinced we won’t see a demon spawn inside of Ashley H’s womb. She is, after all, the most annoying woman ever to breathe oxygen. I spend a little part of each day hating her.

A Bachelorette medic comes out to hook up Ashley’s stomach to a picture machine. There’s soft, ‘baby gender’ piano music. There’s a fetus on display in their California studio. We find out that Ashley H. is having a boy. The audience cheers like their on the stadium big screen at a World Cup game. Sports quota… whatever. This was the longest 20 minutes of my life, which, by the way, I hate.

After the thrilling live ultrasound, ABC plugs their piece of crap ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ show that I’m not going to recap because none of you sent me five dollars. Claire is on ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. So, her dad will be watching. He can recap it. It’s so sad that I recognize every single contestant in the line-up and my wife doesn’t. The show begins August 4th, unless everyone on the Earth dies before that.

After the sleezeview (Get it? Instead of preview???!!! You guys are jerks) Chris Harrison brings out the men from this season of the Bachelorette. They’re all wearing scarves. It has to be a joke, right. It’s a joke. They’re wearing scarves as a total goof. They’re all so goofy! They’re goofing. You guys, I totally LOL’d a ton-wad.

The guys talk about how great the girl who dumped them is. They all still love Andi because they’re contractually obligated to do so. On the video screen, we re-live the drama that has happened so far. There’s a ton of it. There may be limits to the hate possible in this universe, but ‘The Bachelorette’ breaks the laws of physics when it comes to drama. We are forced to watch a bunch of stuff we’ve already seen.

Chris Harrison brings up the sensitive race thing that happened when Andrew called Marquel a “Blackie”. Marquel says diplomatic nice things and the audience claps. Andrew screws up by agreeing that Ron handled things well. Ron is the other black guy. So, Andrew, the guy who is being accused of being a racist, accidentally calls one black guy by another black guy’s name. That doesn’t score well with the judges.

ABC shows video of Andrew saying racist things. There’s no audio, so it’s really a bunch of crap. The group continues to talk about the crap. It’s super sensitive and controversial. JJ the pants guy joins in and attacks Andrew’s character. Chris the farmer comes to Andrew’s defense, which is a lot like having Superman on your side. Chris the famer is super popular with the ladies. They want him to plow their proverbial fields, I think. I don’t know. I’m bored. On TV, guys are still talking about controversy. Keep up!

There’s a bunch more talking. These men are telling all. I really just hate this so much. Every time someone speaks, the crowd applauds uproariously. Marquel has a big chocolate chip cookie button on his jacket. I can’t take anything seriously. I should have, in hindsight, given out Fantasy Points for having cookie buttons.

When racegate is over, it’s not over. Chris Harrison tries to move on, but JJ interrupts to defend himself for telling everyone that Andrew is a racist. He cries while talking, so JJ gets 5 points.

After that, Marquel joins Chris Harrison on the hot seat. I had no idea Marquel was such a central figure in the season. He’s forgettable and has no game. Andi was dying to smoochify every guy on the show and Marquel couldn’t seal the deal. That’s like striking out in tee ball.

Chris Harrison asks Marquel why he didn’t kiss Andi. It’s a good question. Chris Harrison did something! This entire interview is basically a slutty plug for their summer show. Marquel will bring no game to a gropefest. It’ll be like bringing a knife to a gun fight. Do you get invited to gun fights? How much warning is there? Should I always just be carrying a gun in case I’m invited to a gun fight? Is bringing nothing better than bringing a knife? I’d rather have a knife than nothing. At least I could throw the knife. Are you still reading this? Marquel just gave a bunch of cookies to the cat owners in the studio audience.

Marcus is next on the hot seat. The hot seat is considerably less hot because Marquel didn’t bring a whole lot of controversy to the table. It was a cold, cookie-scented seat.

We watch Marcus’ tearful journey on the show. He got dumped by Andi and cried a lot about it. It was emotional. There were emotions. Admit it, you guys, you felt the feels.

Marcus talks about his journey. More feels. As he talks, they pan across the audience to show the emotional, heartfelt approval of female audience members. These ladies totally love Marcus. They clap super loud for him. Chris Harrison asks Marcus is he thinks he can find love in paradise. We get to plug their horsecrap promotion for a horsecrap franchise. This show has no rules. It also sucks and I hate it. My computer wants me to change ‘horsecrap’ to ‘horse rap’. Yes, computer, there’s no such thing as ‘horsecrap’, but there are definitely a ton of ‘horse raps’. Horses across the country are spittin’ mad tales.

Chris the farmer is next on the hot seat. Maybe he knows about horse raps. If you thought the audience clapped and roared for Marcus, you’re right. They did. They clapped louder for Chris the farmer, though. He’s a super dreamy farmer. We re-live his journey to make sure that there is no original content. Chris took his dumping like a farmer, I think. I’m not sure how farmers naturally handle rejection. What happened during the Dust Bowl? Did people take it well? Read a book!

After a gut-wrenching recap, Chris Harrison asks, “So, what happened?” It’s not a good question. The old Chris Harrison is back. Chris the farmer wishes he had more time with Andi. See, I wish I had less.

At some point while talking about the hometown date, Chris Harrison tells Chris the farmer, “America fell in love with your mom.” I would have punched him. America did, though. You can tell by the way the audience claps. Did you guys love Chris the farmer’s mom?

While Chris the farmer is rambling about his future, one of the cat owners in the studio audience raises her hand because she has a question for Chris the farmer. It’s a staged event portrayed as spontaneous television. It’s completely fake and I hate it. My capacity for hate grows. The girl comes down to talk with Chris the farmer on the hot seat. The fake audience member asks Chris the farmer if he thinks he’ll find love. Chris Harrison already asked Chris the farmer that. This girl should have done her homework. She’s a terrible journalist.

During the commercial, the fake audience member and Chris the farmer have a speed date. They show us footage after the break. There’s talking. The fake girl gives Chris the farmer her phone number. It’s super fun. Were you guys having fun? I had fun thinking about ways in which I can die. I’ll bet, if I crammed an entire bag of grapes into my mouth, I’d die.

Next, Andi comes out. It’s super loud because of the cheering. The 249 women and one guy in the audience all love Andi Dorfman. She’s America sweetheart who dates multiple men and then dumps them, one by one.

Andi is asked by Chris the farmer why she dumped him. She admits that Iowa was a factor. She didn’t love him. Marcus asks why he was dumped. Andi didn’t love him. Cody asks why he got dumped. Andi didn’t love him. It’s like she didn’t love any of these guys.

Marquel asks why he got caught in the friend zone. It’s the kind of thing you ask a woman when you’re repeatedly placed into the friend zone. I like Marquel because he makes me feel like I almost might have a sliver of game. Do kids still say “game”? You guys never answer my questions.

For more crap, Chris Harrison introduces Chris the stalker guy who tried to crash the show in the studio audience. There’s this awkward moment where psycho Chris (not to be confused with Chris the farmer or Chris Harrison) stands up to come down to the stage but is told that he can’t. Chris the psycho just stands and waves. He’s going to be on ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. It’s more promotion for the show I’m not recapping. I cannot recap it. It’s too terrible. Why do you even want me to recap it? You’re not even reading this.

Chris Harrison drops the bomb on the show by revealing that Andi is pregnant. Andi laughs because she’s not pregnant. I guess the tabloids reported that Andi is pregnant. I can’t imagine being in a place in my life where magazines reported whether or not I was pregnant.

When the super goofy pregnant goof is over, Chris Harrison brings out the results of the lie detector test that Andi refused to reveal during the season. I’m just gonna keep typing because no one is reading this. Marcus lied about sleeping with less than 20 women. Dylan lied about liking brunettes and being ready for marriage. Josh, who is still eligible to win the show, lied about stuff but it’s not revealed because this show has a lot of honor and integrity. Remember to tune in August 4th for their soft-core pornography-fest!!!!!!

When that’s done, BLOOPERS!!!!! We see fun bloopers from the season and I lose a kidney from laughing really hard. Coach Brian is totally afraid of pickles, y’all.

The last ten minutes are spent previewing the finale and the show I won’t watch under threat of death… even though they brought back that woman with one arm.

The ‘Men Tell All’ episode is over. I exceeded my own personal record for hate. If I had known, going in, that ABC would give the woman I hate the most a live ultrasound, I would have faked my own death and secretly moved to Punta Mita in Mexico. I saw an episode of House Hunters International in Punta Mita. You can get a 2 bedroom home for, like, 100 bucks. Of course, drug wars, but whatever! 100 bucks!!!

There were only 5 points handed out tonight. JJ got 5 points for crying. Always cry, kids. It pays the bills. Here are the updated standings. The winner is still up in the air.

Next week we’ll watch the finale. Josh the baseball player and Nick V. will fight to the death for Andi’s heart. There will be so much crying and slurping. It’ll be a good idea to have lots of napkins on hand for both.

The final tease of the night shows us Chris Harrison handing Andi a note from one of her two finalists. She just takes the note, looks sad, and stares at it. If that doesn’t make you want to watch….

Monday, July 14, 2014

Bachelorette Recap - Dumping Farmers in the Dominican

Have you ever poured delicious cereal into a bowl only to discover that you only have enough milk left to cover 12% of the total mass of your cereal? That is how Andi Dorfman feels right now with only 3 boyfriends. Having three boyfriends is like being down to one kidney or one grandma. It’s pathetic.

After a super exciting hometown date week in which we saw the tragic dumping of Marcus, we travel to the beautiful Dominican Republic. The Dominic Republic is very nice, but I’ve been there. I feel like ABC is cutting corners. They should never go somewhere I’ve been.

Andi will have sex with her three suitors in private Fantasy Suites with no cameras in an attempt to find out with which one she’d most like to enter into a six month relationship. This will be the most dramatic thing that has ever happened. It’s the Bachelorette.

On the last Bachelor season, Andi went into a Fantasy Suite with Juan Pablo and he said or tried something horrific to her. We’re hoping for a repeat of that. The preview for the show tells us there will be a lot of Andi crying, so there’s that to look forward to. She also complies with her contract by telling us how the Dominican Republic is the perfect place to be in love. It is, you guys. When I was there, I kept falling in love. They had to blindfold me.

Nick V, Chris the farmer and Josh the baseball player remain as game show contestants. Andi walks around her hotel room and writes in a notebook while cameras capture her writing in a notebook. It’s not the least bit weird or creepy. I have roughly six hours of camera footage of my wife writing in a notebook. We watch it every Saturday and just smile.

As she rambles on about her journey, ABC shows us footage from the season we’ve already watched. Andi highlights the things about her boyfriends that she likes. It’s awesome they way I get to watch things again that I very much hated watching the first time. It’s like when you accidentally drink spoiled milk and then put it back in your fridge so you can accidentally drink it again the next day.

We see Josh talking in almost complete sentences, Andi sitting on Chris the farmer’s lap while they drive a tractor and Nick V being here for the right reasons. It’s super right reasonedy. My idiot computer doesn’t think that ‘reasonedy’ is a word. When will those idiots at Hewitt Packard learn?

We’re 11 minutes into the show and the only new thing we’ve seen is Andi writing in a notebook. How is there war in a world where this beautiful show exists? How is it that people raise their hand to commit violence and not think to themselves, “Andi Dorfman is finding love! How could I possibly hate?” I don’t have all of the answers.

We’re finally ready for content. Andi is getting ready for her first date with Nick. Cameras capture her applying makeup. She GETS INTO A HELICOPTER!!!! BOOM! Nick accompanies her in her helijourney, so he gets 10 points.

Andi and Nick are in their helicopter looking over the Dominican. We see algae in the ocean shaped like hearts. I would not be surprised to find out that poor Bachelorette interns had to trim the algae into heart shapes. How much college credit do you get for carving algae into hearts?

Andi and Nick land on their own private island. I wasn’t sure how cool it was until Andi told me by saying, “This is frickin insane!” So, it’s insane.

Andi and Nick take their shirts off to go swimming in the ocean. If you’re new to the show, “swimming” means “slurpy makeouts”. They get in a ton of kisses. When they’re done fighting plaque, Andi and Nick sit on the sand and talk about Nick’s parents and his past relationships. I turn up the volume on my TV because I refuse to miss a single moment of it.

Nick goes into detail about a time he was dumped. Some girl dropped the hammer and he took it hard. He cried. He doesn’t get points for crying back then. It was pre-Bachelorette crying. It’s kind of like how College Football players don’t get paid. Sports quota filled.

Nick still hasn’t told Andi that he loves her. He’s the biggest idiot ever. The more he puts off telling Andi he loves her, the harder it is for him to tell her. The music tells us how serious it is as he tries to spit out the words, “I love you.” He’s like the Fonz trying to say, “I was wrong”. Only 4% of my readers will get that reference because I’m old.

Andi and Nick snorkel without tidings of love changing hands. Later that night, they eat dinner on the beach in front of cameras. He again struggles to tell about his love feeling. Nick is wearing hot pink pants. Should I be wearing pink things? I’m not completely against it. I just don’t know.

Nick pulls out a book he wrote. It’s a fairy tale type story where Andi is the main character, looking for love. Nick stole this story line from ‘The Bachelorette’. I hope they sue him for copyright infringements. The book is super long. It just keeps going. ABC makes us sit through the entire thing. He even writes down the part of Andi choosing whether or not to invite Nick into a magical Fantasy Suite.

On cue, Andi pulls out Chris Harrison’s personal invitation for them to have sex with each other. If you’ve never seen the show before, Host Chris Harrison actually gives the couples a card and a key, inviting them to go into a super romantic room to rub abs. It’s a Bachelorette tradition. Andi invites Nick and he accepts.
Nick tells Andi he loves her. It’s very easy to tell someone you love them before they agree to have sex with you. I’ve never done it, because it’s douchey.

They make out after Nick’s love declaration. They do that slurpy whispering thing. He tells her he loves her six hundred more times. For a guy who had trouble saying it four minutes ago, he’s certainly come around.
The making out is so loud. Does ABC really have to keep their microphones at full volume for the slurping? We could get the picture at half volume.

Andi pulls Nick V. into their Fantasy Suite so they can have sex with no cameras in the room. No one can witness the sex. Except Claire’s dad.


We move on to Josh’s date. Keep up! Josh and Andi hug in the Dominican streets. Josh speaks a ton of Spanish. Spanish is a lot like Dominican, I think. Andi is impressed. They walk the streets and dance. It’s exhilarating.

After watching them dance, we watch them watch kids play baseball. It’s more exhilarating. The kids pull the two young lovers onto the field to play baseball. I’m sure these kids are thrilled these two hornballs are busting up their baseball party. Hopefully, one of these Dominican kids doesn’t miss out on a chance to go pro because of the 11 minutes of practice they didn’t get in this day.

When baseball is done, they sit on a bench and drink from a mango or something. Why are you reading this? Josh makes sure that Andi knows that he’s in love with her. Andi acts a lot less excited than she acted when Nick V. told her he loves her. I would guess, at this point, Josh is going home tonight, but I’ve been guessing that for weeks.

They eat dinner on TV. As an experienced Dominican fish eater, I would recommend they skip the fish. Picture a dam trying to hold back a river of green water.

Josh talks about how he’s not cocky or confident. He says this with a ton of confidence and cockiness. They talk about the kind of parents they’d be if they had kids. I think we can all agree that they’d be great parents. I hope they get married and have a kid so ABC can televise the delivery.

There’s more making out. Josh makes moaning noises. I’m uncomfortable. Andi doesn’t seem completely comfortable. She’s at the point where she needs to invite him to the Fantasy Suite and the music changes.
Something dramatic is about to happen. She’s about to dump him.

She doesn’t dump him. She invites him to the ab grind and Josh happily accepts. Andi and Josh both pretend like they’ll just talk all night. Yeah, right. On their way to the Fantasy Suite, fireworks go off. To pay for the fireworks, the Dominican Republic closed their school. In the Fantasy Suite, they take off their clothes so they can make out in the pool. That’s 10 points for Josh. It’s probably his last 10 points ever.

Chris the farmer gets the last Fantasy Suite date. They ride horses. It’s worth 10 points. Chris talks about Dominican farming. I slip into a coma.

Chris is a farmer, so apparently he’s good at riding horses. I thought that was cowboys. Andi is terrible at riding horses. It’s comical. ABC put cameras on the horses’ neck so we can see what the bottom of their chins look like while they’re riding horses. Andi’s horse freaks out and starts going fast… for a horse. Chris the farmer tries to calm Andi down. It works. She calms down. They ride their horses some more. Keep up!

After horse riding, they get off of their horses so they can sit on a fallen tree and drink water on TV. I’ll bet the Dominic horses smell great. Andi and Chris the farmer talk about Chris’ family. They reminisce about playing hide and seek on Chris’ farm. He suggests they play hide and seek in their Dominican field. They do.
We watch it happen. While Andi counts, Chris the farmer scampers away to hide. It’s the least cool anyone has ever looked, and that includes the way I looked when I played air guitar in an air guitar contest at Southside School summer program in South Buffalo. I came in third place playing air guitar for ‘Panama’ by Van Halen. If I found out that anyone had video footage of that contest, I’d kill them to keep it hidden.

After hide and seek, they sit down to eat dinner on TV. They talk about their relationship. The subject of their professional futures comes up. Chris seems less than willing to quit farming to follow Andi around the country. Andi isn't thrilled about living in Iowa. It seems like it would be a divide in their relationship. I hate to break it to you guys, but their having an actual important conversation. I can’t believe it either. Now I think Chris the farmer is being dumped. That damn Bachelorette music. I've been tricked.

Chris the farmer loves Andi and wants to win the game show. Andi cries because she doesn’t want to end up in Iowa. She also doesn’t love Chris the farmer. Chris the farmer is not given a Fantasy Suite invitation. I was wrong again. There’s a half hour left and that will now not even include a real rose ceremony. So, we’re settled in for a half hour of Andi crying about the fact that she has to dump Chris the farmer.


Chris the farmer takes the dumping well. He tells Andi that he appreciates and respects being dumped. There’s more crying. The dumping is successful, but Andi won’t stop talking about it. Chris was just about to get up and leave and we all could have gone on with our miserable lives, but Andi won’t stop dumping Chris the farmer. It keeps happening. There’s so much dumping.

Finally, Chris says, “I should probably go home.” Andi walks him out. She cries and talks some more. She can’t stop telling him why it wouldn’t work. I think we all get it, Andi!

When she’s done talking, they hug. We’re treated to 38 seconds of their microphones rubbing together. Chris leaves. Andi cries more.

Chris sits on a bench to talk to the camera about his heartbreak. He hurts and it shows in his tears. These are his final 5 points. I’ll miss Chris the farmer and his colorful clothes and scarves. You know, I should have been a farmer.

Andi stands by the pool and cries. It’s a really nice pool.
Because this show sucks, ABC makes us sit through a Rose Ceremony. This show has no rules. First, Chris Harrison interviews Andi in a villa or something. Andi is all smiles a short time after compost piling her farmer. Chris Harrison asks Andi if she only dumped Chris the farmer because she didn’t want to live in Iowa. She says that it’s only part of problem. She didn’t seem to have a problem on his lap in the tractor. Boom! High five, you guys.

Andi and Harrison talk about her final two guys. They talk and there’s talking. Andi is happy that her boyfriends love her. It’s a good trait in a boyfriend. To add some semblance of drama to the last ten minutes of the show, the idea that either Josh or Nick will refuse their rose is brought up. Andi worries about this. She says that the last two roses “will definitely be the most two important roses so far.” It’s a profound statement.

At the Rose Ceremony, Josh and Nick V. aren’t aware that Chris the farmer has bought the farm. Bought the farm!!!! Get it?? You guys are jerks. Chris Harrison tells of Chris the farmer’s departure. Actually, he makes Andi tell of the departure. It’s departurey.

In the stupidest moment in television history, Andi asks Nick and Josh if they’d accept their roses. They both say yes. My wife and I run out and get matching ‘They said yes!’ tattoos. I hate this show. As she’s handing out the final rose, Chris Harrison does not interrupt to tell everyone that it’s the final rose. It’s a lost moment. That would have been LOL funny.

There are two more episodes left in the season, the finale and the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. Next week is the Men Tell All episode. There’s going to be a ton of drama. The preview is super dramatic. People will tell all and yell. I can’t even.

See the updated Fantasy League Scoring here. If it’s not updated yet, it will be soon.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Sacred Make Out Sessions in Brussels

This is a tough week, Bachelorette fans. Andi has taken her six boyfriends to Brussels. Only four of those boyfriends will still be boyfriends by the end of the night. There’s so much drama. The episode preview shows us that all of the guys are in love or in the process of falling in love with Andi. If this were a Bachelorette video game, you’d see six little ‘Love’ meters on top of the screen and each of them would be almost full of love. And, if you have just run out of your house to go and design and create a Bachelorette video game, I want 10%.


We begin in Brussels with Brussels footage. We get to see Brussels buildings and Brusselonians meandering about. Andi talks about how Brussels is a cultural melting pot because people speak French, Dutch and Flemish. Where is Flem? At the Tops on Niagara Street, you can buy Spanish magazines, so I know about melting pots.

The guys are excited to be in Brussels. One of them says, “Dude, we’re in Brussels!”

 Chris Harrison drops in on the guys’ hotel room and welcomes them to Brussels. He gives them the scoop. There will be a pair of one-on-one dates and one group date. The only rose up for grabs before the rose ceremony is on the group date. All of the guys have been instructed by ABC producers to choose between wearing a hoodie sweatshirt or a ridiculously big scarf. Seriously, it goes hoodie, scarf, hoodie, scarf, hoodie, scarf.

Before we begin the show, everyone takes a moment to hate Nick V. Did you guys hate Nick V. at home? Nick V. displays confidence in his chances of landing Andi. Nick is a super evil villain for having confidence in his ability to win over the girl he’s dating. He should be shot.

Marcus gets the first one-on-one date. He quickly changes his clothes and doesn’t wear a hoodie or a scarf. I’m confused. What’s the point of being in Brussels if you don’t wear a hoodie or a scarf?

Andi and Marcus happen upon a street corner café. They’re eating mussels in Brussels. It rhymes. These Bachelor producers are brilliant. Mussels in Brussels! Andi and Marcus should somehow scam the waiter out of some extra mussels. It would be a mussel hustle in Brussels. I hope a street gang doesn’t storm into their café and cause a tussle in Brussels. If we’re lucky, a cab with Kurt and Mr. Crowe will drive by and we’ll have some Russells in Brussels. How come you guys didn’t read down this far?

After eating, Andi and Marcus eat dinner in a castle. That’s the only place Bachelorette people eat. If you’re eating, you’re likely in or adjacent to a castle. I thought castles were for protecting armies and storing away women with long hair. When did castles turn into Mickey D’s?

Instead of eating, Marcus talks about the fact that his father left when he was young and his mother used to beat him. You know, typical dinner conversation. It’s a pretty dry and emotional 15 minutes of television.

When he’s done opening up, Marcus opens up some more. Marcus is totally in love with Andi and tells her that he’s in love with her. Marcus and Andi make out. They go outside and make out more. There’s more slurping in the last 4 minutes than you’d find at a soup buffet. There’s been a ton of it. 7 points worth.

Back at the hotel, Dylan brings in the next date card. Keep up! It’s addressed only to Josh, the baseball player. He’s excited. You can see it all over the chest he chooses to display to a roomful of guys.

The big jerk Nick acts like a big jerk. He wants to sneak into Andi’s room. He walks down to the receptionist with a full camera crew to pretend like he lost his room key to gain access to the Dorfman dorm. The super intelligent staff member of the hotel doesn’t think it’s weird at all that a man with a camera guy behind him wants a key to a room while not knowing which room it is. She gives him a key card. It looks like post-9/11 security measures do not exist in Brussels.

Andi is super surprised to see Nick. She can’t even believe he showed up at her hotel room unexpectedly. It’s so surprising that she can barely even comprehend, even though she answered the door on the first knock and is wearing a microphone. It’s such a shock. You have no idea.

Andi and Nick go for a walk in the Brussels night air. What a super big jerk! He’s not playing by the rules! This show has no rules! By the way, Nick gets 10 points in the Fantasy League for sneaking away to the Bachelorette’s room. Why didn’t you draft a team?

Andi and Nick smooch on a bench in Brussels. It’s a lot like a Hemingway poem, I think. I’ve never read Hemmingway. When they’re done with bench smooch, Nick V. pins Andi up against a Brussels building and goes to TOWN on her. She’s getting dental work. It’s slurpy

Andi and Josh walk around “the part of Brussels that wasn’t burned down during the wars”. That’s what Andi calls it, anyway. Which wars, Andi? I? II? Pepsi v. Coke? Team Jacob v. Team Edward?

They walk around Brussels some more. Keep up! Some geese march by. It’s exciting. I’ve got to get to Brussels. After eating on TV, they walk into a giant church, light a candle, and Josh kisses Andi’s head after lighting the candle and says “Nice!” Seriously, keep up!

Josh admits to Andi that he’s falling in love with her. She’s super excited that he finally used the word “love” in a sentence that didn’t involve the words “sleeveless shirts”. You just know that producers sat this man down and told him, “You’re going to have to use the word ‘love’ soon. She’ll send you home! Play the game!”

Andi and Josh make out super loud. He even moans while he’s making out on TV. He moans! There’s so much slurping and moaning. It’s like watching a fat guy eat really delicious spaghetti. That’s sexist. It could be a really fat woman eating delicious spaghetti. I need to open my mind. I think I’ve been influenced by the sacred monks.

Andi and Josh skip through Brussels and happen upon a private concert by a band called
‘American Young’. They’re in Brussels! Why isn’t the private concert by ‘Brussels Young’? This is supposed to be a melting pot!

A bunch of older people sit on folding chairs and listen to some band sing words in a foreign language while two idiots stand in the middle of them and dance. It’s not the least bit weird. 10 points!

The group date is next. It occurs in “the country side of Brussels”, according to Andi. I don’t know what that means either. They walk up to another castle. I hope they eat in it. These are actually castle ruins. Dylan points out that the ruins have stood the test of time. He also points out that he’s hoping his love with Andi will stand the test of time. I hate this show… so much, I hate this show.

Andi makes the guys pedal a railroad cart or something. I blacked out for a moment over the “test of time” thing. There’s 4 solid minutes of pedaling. This show has no rules… or content.

Andi brings the guys to sacred ground. It’s a monastery where monks study spirituality and stuff. For some reason, the sacred ground beneath these people doesn’t smoke and fester. Andi tells them that the one rule is ‘No kissing’. This should be a short group date.

The group of hornballs sits on a bench without kissing. I’m already uncomfortable. There’s no kissing. What are they going to do? Talk?

Andi takes Chris the farmer to a pottery barn. Not The Pottery Barn. It’s an actual pottery barn. I was disappointed because I like Pottery Barn. They do clay like the movie Ghost and then they make out. I thought they couldn’t make out? Is pottery barn off limits to monastery rules? Is it an off-site pottery barn? Is it like the make-out embassy? I know the show has no rules, but monasteries have rules. They have serious rules. Have you ever seen ‘The Next Karate Kid’? It’s all rules! How come you guys never answer my questions?

After making out with Chris the farmer, Andi announces that she will soon give out the group date rose and the guys who don’t receive the group date rose will immediately go back to their Brussels hotel. If this is your first time reading this recap, that’s a huge deal.

While Andi hangs out with Dylan, Nick V. talks with the other two guys. He manages to wear the biggest and most ridiculous scarf ever. Coach Brian is wearing a hoodie. Scarves and hoodies, guys!

When Coach Brian gets his alone time with Andi, he tells her that he loves her and that he’s never said that to anyone before. How is that possible? I mean, I once told a beer display cardboard cutout of Kathy Ireland that I loved her. We still talk every once in awhile.

Coach Brian doesn’t like Nick or Nick’s scarf (I assume). He tells the other guys that Nick is fake. If you’re keeping score at home, the guy on a Reality TV show dating a woman who is dating multiple other guys thinks that one of those guys is fake.

Nick V. and Andi sit on sacred ground and whisper about how they can’t kiss. They get really close and pretend like they’re about to kiss. Nick tells the camera that he respects the sacred ground monks, so he doesn’t kiss her. I told you guys that he was here for the right reasons! I’ll bet the monks where watching on closed circuit television and, when Nick didn’t make out with Andi, they all jumped up and high-fived each other.

It’s time to give out the group date rose. The person who gets the rose is guaranteed of a hometown date. Hometown dates are huge, you guys! Andi gives the rose to Josh V. That sound you just heard was drama!

Nick is all sorts of confident now. He gets extra time with Andi while the other guys leave, filled with hatred for Nick. The music playing as the guys leave their group date is comparable to the music played when a movie character is escorted by corrections officers to the electric chair.

The jilted guys swear and brood in their limo. They are upset. I should point out, Dylan is wearing a hoodie. Coach Brian says that Nick V. is a snake. Chris the farmer says that Nick V. isn’t real. Nothing really makes sense.

Andi and Nick V. have a super slurpy make-out session, now free from the shackles of monk oppression. They talk about meeting Nick’s family and how he’s falling in love. What a snake!

Back at the hotel, the guys speculate about Nick’s intentions. They think he’ll walk away from Andi during the finale. They think he just wants to be on TV. They say all of this in a room full of cameras and sound operators and producers.

For their remainder of their alone time, Andi and Nick V. make out and then watch Brussels fireworks. No one draws a parallel between fireworks and love, so I feel lost.

As Nick V. returns to the hotel, the other guys were sitting around talking about how much they hate him. What follows is uncomfortable silence. Someone coughs. Coach Brian breaks the silence by yelling at Nick. The rest of the guys jump in and confront him about his confidence. They think he knows too much about the show and is playing a game. Nick defends himself. There’s a lot of talking. It’s confronty. I feel confronted.

Everyone thinks Nick is here for the wrong reasons. He’s still not getting the Fantasy points for it because I don’t believe he’s here for the wrong reasons. I think he’s here for the right reasons. This scene is 10 minutes of yelling the word “reasons” coupled with dramatic music. Aren’t you glad you read down this far?

The cocktail party is next. It’s in a castle, or something. The guys are all gripping about their chances of bringing Andi home to meet their family. It’s a big deal. If you introduce a girl to your family on television, it’s legally binding.

Andi arrives to the castle wearing a dress that is cut up to her throat. She should have worn that dress to the monastery. Andi talks to a bunch of guys. There’s talking. Chris the farmer tells Andi that he’s falling in love with her and wants to take her to Iowa where there are no mimes. He almost cries while practically begging her for a rose. It’s a bit desperate. I’ll bet all of the farmers watching at home are like, “Dude!”

Nick V. interrupts Coach Brian’s alone time even though he has a rose because he’s a big jerk. He feels bad about it and feels bad about the fact that the other guys hate him. Nick V. cries. He gets 5 points for crying. I’m not sure if these are real tears. I don’t know how I feel about Nick V. now. I’m confused.

Chris the farmer isn’t happy that Andi likes Nick V. He pulls her aside to tell her some more stuff about stuff. Andi thinks Chris the farmer is leaving the show. He’s not. He’s a farmer. Farmers don’t leave. They stay and farm. Chris the farmer makes out with Andi outside. Andi tells the camera, “You go, farmer!” I’m going to print up a bunch of ‘You Go, Farmer!’ t-shirts. If you guys want to buy one, they’re $78.

The rose ceremony is next. I just realized that I haven’t breathed in 40 minutes. That has to be a record. The guys line up and hope for roses. None of them are wearing scarves, so it’s anyone’s game. Before dumping two of her boyfriends, Andi calls them “My sweet six”. I’m going to print up a bunch of ‘Sweet Six’ t-shirts. If you guys want to buy one, they’re $78.

Andi sends home Coach Brian and Dylan. There’s no way Dylan has said more than three words this season. Coach Brian was too coachey. It’s too bad that this show was less about basketball and more about finding love and giant scarves.

Dylan and Coach Brian hug the boyfriends of their ex-girlfriend. They hug Andi goodbye, but she does not follow them out to sit on a bench and explain why she dumped them. It’s shocking.

Dylan cries in front of the camera and declares that he deserves to fall in love again. 5 points. It’s pretty emotional. It makes a certain part of his heart hurt. You guys, Dylan is having pain in his corpuscles in Brussels! You guys are jerks.

Coach Brian is super emotional but doesn’t cry. Andi cries a lot. She ruins her make-up. Eleven seconds after breaking two guys’ hearts, she smiles and tells her remaining boyfriends, “I’m so excited to meet y’all’s families.” They all laugh.

Coach Brian hears the laughing during his private confessional and starts to cry. 5 points at the buzzer for the basketball coach! Sports quota filled!!!! At the buzzer!!!! Count it!!!!

Monday, July 7, 2014

Bachelorette Recap - Hitting a Home Run with Sexual Innuendo

We’ve reached a critical juncture in Andi Dorfman’s love life. It’s like when you’re in a bomb shelter after Armageddon and you’ve just ran out of beans. Four contestants remain in this season of ‘The Bachelorette’. Andi will visit each hometown of her four boyfriends. It will be very dramatic and incredibly boring.

Hometown date week is the worst of all the weeks. You know how, when you’re at the doctor’s office and you have to wait in the second room with no magazines and you don’t have any pants on? That’s what hometown date week is like. It’s the worst part of the worst thing. If the Bachelorette is poo, hometown date week is the chime.

I can’t believe you’re still reading this.

Andi’s first visit is Milwaukee. She visits Nick, who still hasn’t told Andi that he loves her yet. What a slow mover. He’s been dating her for days. It’s like he’s not even trying.
You guys, cheese!
Andi and Nick wear cheese on their head and visit a brewery. Andi has never been in a brewery. I’ve never been in pants that tight, so Andi would have a lot to talk about.

They drink beer. One of the beers is labeled as ‘Nick and Andi’. I’m guessing it’s bitter, artificially flavored, and only has a shelf life of 30 minutes. The happy couple dances a polka. Nick says, “It’s the first time she can see me in my element.” I guess Nick is just constantly hanging out in breweries and dancing polkas.

Next, we meet Nick’s huge family. He has 10 brothers and sisters. I’m not sure how everyone breathes comfortably. Nick’s family seems nice. I love them. (See? How hard is that, Nick?) We’re minutes into hometown date week and I’m already more bored than I am in church. Nick’s sister says that Andi seems real. So, Andi isn’t a hologram.

One of Nick’s sisters talks to Andi. They talk and there’s talking. Nick used to be engaged. Nick’s sister talks about the positives of failed engagements. I take notes.

Some little girl in the house has this whole piece of notebook paper filled with questions for Andi. I guess this is Nick’s little sister. ABC plays adorable kid music.

Andi is asked what she likes most about Nick. She doesn’t answer “abs”. Andi explains emotions and mental connections to the little girl. I hope ABC shows us footage of this little girl watching Andi and Nick sucking face in a hot tub next week. I hope, while Andi is dry humping Nick, ABC plays that same adorable kid music.

The little girl asks Andi if she would choose a hot guy or an interesting guy. Andi lies.

Nick sits down with his mom, the breeder. While talking about Andi, Nick starts to cry. 5 points. When Nick cries, Nick’s mom cries. There’s a bunch of crying. I hold it together by concentrating on how bored I am.
Nick’s parents give Andi their blessing to marry their son after the hours spent together.

The hometown tradition of making out in the driveway after a hometown date lives on. Andi and Nick slurp good while whispering crap. Nick doesn’t tell Andi that he loves her. Nick is an idiot.

Chris the farmer has the next hometown date. They’re in Arlington Iowa. Arlington has a population of 758. If you count porn bots, I have more Twitter followers than that. Chris said in the past that there are no mimes in Iowa. Chris is wrong. You can rent a mime.

I’d rent a mime. Does Iowa have any district attorneys? They’re probably more expensive to rent.
Chris isn’t wearing a ridiculous scarf or pink shorts for their hometown date. I don’t even recognize him. Chris has a huge house where he lives by himself. It’s kind of creepy. I don’t know why a single guy owning a big house is creepy, but it is to me. I feel, for single guys, big houses are ideal for cadaver storage.
Farming is super easy.
Chris the farmer shows Andi his tractor and she says, “Shut up.” It is a nice tractor. They drive the tractor around. It gives us a real feel for his every day life. Andi says, “He’s the hottest farmer ever.” I’m not confident in that assumption. I’ll need to power rank hot farmers. The website is currently up for sale and non-operational so, until someone does the work, we’ll never really know.

Andi sits on Chris’s lap while they farm. She says, “Everything is massive about him”. I’m sure Nick’s family is having fun explaining the innuendo to his little sister.

We’re still on the farm. Keep up! Chris and Andi sit in a hay field and talk about life. Chris wants to keep farming. When Andi wonders aloud what she’d do in Iowa, Chris says, “There’s an opportunity to be a homemaker.” It’s a really romantic thing to say.

Andi is open to lawyering in Iowa. She’s not just a city girl, you guys. She’s super Tomboyishy. I can already see her on all fours, chasing down mice and biting their heads off.

While they continue to sit in the hay or corn or whatever, a plane flies over head with a banner that says, “Chris Loves Andi”. What are the chances of that flying by as a Chris sits in the field with an Andi? I guess Chris planned it. He’s super romantic. He could have burned Andi’s name into his corn, but that would have lowered the country’s corn supply. I wouldn’t want to pay more for corn just because Chris the farmer loves Andi.

Andi says, “Without a doubt, it’s the most romantic thing that anyone has ever done.” I mean, Chris wasn’t flying the plane. He just paid a guy. It’s not like he made the sign. I think the most romantic thing you could do would be to feed a deer a diamond ring and then have your girlfriend shoot the deer while you’re out hunting and then she carves out the deer’s spleen to eat it fresh after the kill and she totally ends up with the diamond ring in her mouth and she’s all “what’s up?” and you’re all “would you marry me?”
But sure, a plane sign is romantic too.

As Chris the farmer leads Andi into his family’s home, he says, “This is a cereal moment.” I think he really said ‘surreal’, but I like the idea of a ‘cereal’ moment.

Chris’ family laughs a lot. There’s a ton of laughing and talking. It’s revealed that Chris the farmer didn’t wear underwear on the weekends. It’s super fun knowing that. I don’t even wish that I was anywhere else on earth. I can barely take how much fun we’re all having. I say a private prayer, asking God not to allow masked men to break into my home and jam skewers into my ears to stop my brain from working.

Chris’ mom offers Chris some sage advice about relationships and marriage. She tells Chris how hot she was for his father when she watched him jump off of his tractor. I’m not making that up. Chris’ mom hopes that Andi desires her son and his tractor ways. Chris’ mom tells Andi how beautiful their kids would be if she and Chris had sex. She points out how tough Andi appears and how Andi would be good at farming and kid-having. They hug. It’s really sweet.

Chris’ mom tells Andi that she loves her. Boy, I’ll bet Nick feels stupid. He’s been dating Andi for days and he can’t even tell her he loves her.

After that, Chris’ family plays hide and seek… on their farm. Don’t these people have an X-box? Chris explains what hide and seek is. I take notes.

Chris hides and Andi amazingly finds him immediately. I’m guessing she just saw the 5 camera guys and the guy with the flood light video taping Chris hiding behind his farm equipment. They make out behind the farm equipment. The farm equipment looks like a giant washing machine. I’ll bet that’s where they wash the corn.
Farming looks easy and sultry. There’s a lot of sitting around in fields, playing hide and seek, making out behind farm equipment and baby-making. You know, I could have been a farmer? That’s a line from ‘The Natural’. Sports quota filled, kind of. No one is reading this.

Chris says that his hometown date was “beyond words.” He then uses words to describe the date. Chris the farmer is a liar. The date was well within words. It was worthy of words. The words were worthy.

Chris the farmer’s hometown date was a ton of fun. I wish someone took a picture of me watching Chris the farmer’s hometown date so I could put it on my bookshelf next to the picture of my ride on The Viper roller coaster. I get through the entire date. No one breaks into my house and stabs me, so I guess I’ll watch the next hometown date.

Josh the baseball player gets the next hometown date. We’re in Tampa Bay. Keep up! Josh tells the camera that he wants to find love. It’s a good idea, when you want to find love, to go on a Reality TV show. Just like, when you want pizza, you should jump into a lake. I mean, it’s possible you’d find pizza in a lake. It’s not impossible.

Josh takes Andi to a baseball diamond… because he’s a baseball player. Andi is wearing Chris the farmer’s pink shorts.

Josh says that it’s a big deal to take Andi to the baseball diamond because baseball is in his past and it’s emotionally difficult. Andi doesn’t care about all that because she’s super turned on by his baseballedness. They make out on home plate. Josh totally rounds third and goes for home. There’s a ton of innuendo.

My ‘I like to Make Fun of the Bachelor’ Facebook group had fun with baseball innuendo. Some of the better entries:
“Think he will charge the mound?”
“Hope he doesn't blow the save”
“He wants to balk her.”
“He wants to throw her a knuckle ball.”
“Bet he wants her to choke up on the bat a bit more.”
We have fun.

Andi hits some baseballs. She hits one hard and breaks the bat. Insert your own innuendo. Andi and Josh take a timeout from baseball to talk about Josh’s brother who is entering the NFL as a quarterback. Josh is concerned about his brother. He was drafted in the fifth round by the Chiefs. I’m concerned about him too. The Chiefs are terrible. Burn!

Andi enters Josh’s house to meet his family. As per usual, it’s a really nice house because we do not accept poor people as Bachelor/ Bachelorette contestants. You better make bank if you want roses.

Josh cries when he sees his family. It’s emotional… and boring. Josh’s brother Aaron talks about his NFL prospects and not Andi. Cameras are there to capture Andi moments, not stupid Aaron NFL moments. No one is talking about Andi!! She will not be ignored. Keep up, Josh family!!!!

Josh’s mom finally gets her act together and talks to Andi. She says that Josh loves Andi. She uses no baseball/ sex innuendo so it’s a bit hard to understand.

Andi is overwhelmed by the togetherness of Josh’s family. She isn’t interested in going to football games to watch Aaron on Sundays. She’s more into corn and District Attorneying. I don’t see this being a match. Josh is totally blowing this by having a family. What an idiot.

Josh’s mom tells him that he deserves the love he feels for Andi. Josh cries again. This guy cries as much as he does sit-ups. Andi plays football in the yard with Josh’s family. She’s terrible at it. The Chiefs probably wouldn’t draft her until the sixth round. Burn!

Marcus has the last hometown date. They’re in Texas. Marcus drives Andi in his Mercedes to a strip club. Marcus strips for Andi for some reason. There’s a lot of chest and cheeks. It’s incredibly awkward. I have no idea why any of this is happening, especially the part about me watching it. I hope Nick’s little sister is enjoying the sexy sailor strip show.

When clothes are put back on, Marcus and Andi talk on a patio. Marcus admits that he’s only brought home one woman before. Andi says, “Stop it!” That’s a thing she says. There’s still time to buy my ‘Stop it!’ t-shirts.

Marcus’ family is super excited to meet Andi. They don’t say “stop it!” so I guess they can’t be too excited. A little girl made Andi a bracelet. It’s a cheap gift because it’s not even real. Andi acts like she likes it. I’d be insulted.

Marcus’ sister pulls Andi aside to talk about Marcus’ capacity for love. It is great. Marcus’ sister is concerned about his great capacity for love. To use baseball jargon, I’d say that Marcus’ capacity for love “goes into extra innings”. He’s a Major League lover.

Marcus’ brother pulls Marcus aside. He says, “I haven’t seen you this Goo Goo for a girl in awhile.” He uses the words Goo and Goo without referencing the band. At least it wasn’t boring.

While speaking of his love for Andi and his troubled past, Marcus starts to cry. He had a troubled past with an abusive father. Marcus and his brother hug. It’s emotional. To use a baseball analogy, it’s like Kirk Gibson’s 1988 Game One World Series home run.

Andi talks to Marcus’ mother. She accepts Andi into their family. To use a baseball term, she has drafted Andi onto her baseball team in the fifth round of the baseball draft. Are you enjoying the baseball thing, or am I striking out? You guys are jerks.

Marcus tells Andi, “You make me happy beyond words.” He then uses words to describe said love. These guys do not know the words they are using.

They make out in the driveway. It’s a short, slurpy make-out. Marcus loves Andi. He didn’t rent a plane to declare it or anything, but he loves her. To put it in baseball terms, his love has a 3 and a half game lead on the Padres in the A.L. West.

Before the Rose Ceremony, Andi and the rest of the crew learn the news of Eric’s death.
Eric was an explorer and contestant who lasted three weeks this season. Shortly after leaving the show, he died in a paragliding accident. Andi learned of the death tonight, during the taping of the 8th episode. Chris Harrison invites the group into his apartment or hotel room or something. It’s super awkward. Everyone is wearing very casual clothing. There are no scarves.

Chris Harrison breaks the news slowly and gently and awkwardly. What follows is four solid minutes of people covering their faces with their hands. Shortly, the room fills with a bunch of people all sobbing and hugging. My wife says, “Who are all of these people?” I have no answer. This show has no rules.

It’s a stationary camera shot of people sobbing. This doesn’t need to be televised. This show is such a bastard. Fresh off of his death announcement, Chris Harrison sits Andi down for a one-on-one. He explains how life happens. I take notes.

There’s more sobbing. Because Chris Harrison cares about Andi, he allows Andi to skip the rose ceremony to grieve the loss of her ex-boyfriend. Just kidding, they make her go through with it because… ratings.
Of course, Andi does not make it through the rose ceremony without breaking down again. Chris Harrison tells her that she doesn’t have to be strong for everybody. I’m going to need her to be strong for me. If she doesn’t dump someone, the show might last an extra week.

Andi collects herself and goes on with her dumping duties. It’s tough. She can barely smile while dumping Marcus. Boom! Marcus is gone! I seriously make ‘out-loud’ noises. I thought for sure Josh the baseball player was gone. I had already pre-written how he’ll get to go to Chiefs games now. Holy cow! This was shocking. To put it in baseball terms, this was fucked up.

Andi walks Marcus out to a bench to continue dumping him. They do not make out. Marcus says that he doesn’t know what to say. Incredibly, he doesn’t follow that up with words. He really didn’t know what to say.

Fresh off crying for Eric, Andi cries a bunch for Marcus. Marcus cries. There’s a ton of crying. Can you tell from my words how much crying there is? Dump a bunch of water on your computer screen. That will give you an accurate description of the tears. There’s some snot too, so wipe a little snot on your computer. I hope you’re not reading this on a work computer.

Marcus (Wow! Still can’t believe it was Marcus!) Marcus gets into his confessional limo to cry more. I’m giving him 4 points for all of this crying. Marcus still wants to find love. Still!

Marcus regrets telling Andi that he loves her. I’d regret that too. He’s doing a great job of auditioning for his role as the next Bachelor. There’s no chance this guy isn’t the next Bachelor. He’ll be handicapped by his ability to speak English and respect women, but he’ll be a fine, boring Bachelor.

Next week, tons of sex. Andi is gonna get it on with her three remaining boyfriends in the Fantasy Suites. To
put it in baseball terms, it’s a three-game series and she’ll bat, like, .400.

A bunch of people have Chris the farmer, Josh the baseball player and Nick on their Fantasy teams, so we’re going to have to figure out a tie-breaker. I’ll keep you posted. Check the standings here. Sorry about my recaps.