Monday, May 26, 2014

Bachelorette Recap - Taking Off Your Clothes for Charity


“This really could be the start of an incredible love story.”

“Who’s here to see some half-naked men?”

“Tonight is do or die.”

Those are three quotes from the teaser footage of tonight’s Bachelorette episode. If that doesn’t make you want to open a new tab and read something else than you must be really drunk.

Andi Dorfman continues her journey for love as America watches with bated breath. I had to cancel all of my doctor appointments for the next three months because I didn’t want to accidentally miss the exact moment that Andi found love. We begin the fun with Andi thinking and talking to the camera. For the second straight week, Andi says that it’s finally starting to sink in that she’s the Bachelorette. I can’t wait until week 10 when it really finally starts to finally sink in finally.

For some reason, ABC only had Andi dump 6 boyfriends in week one. That leaves us with 19 contestants. Andi is happy with her harem. She says, “I feel great about the 19 men who are still here.”

At the Bachelor mansion, Chris Harrison gathers the group and tells them how excited they should be that they have a chance to fall in love with and potentially marry Andi. The guys clap. There’s clapping. These guys know the odds.

We’re told that there will be a pair of one-on-one dates and a group date. The stakes are high. The stakes are love. Those are the highest stakes, you guys.

Eric gets the first one-on-one date. Andi’s 18 other boyfriends all pat Eric on the back and congratulate him for taking their girlfriend out on a date. They’re super happy for Eric and wish him well in his attempt to grope and bed their girlfriend. This is all completely natural.

Eric is an explorer who will die soon. He says the date could be the beginning of his fairytale. I’ve read one or two fairy tales in my day and the explorers in the fairy tales usually don’t die.

Andi and Eric jump in a car that has cameras installed in the dashboard so we can watch them talk about life and love and motorcycling across Africa. They drive to the beach. Eric should be good at beaching because he’s an explorer. Explorers usually start exploring at the beach. That’s just an assumption. I’ve never explored. You’ll have to read a real book if you actually want to learn something.

Andi and Eric build a sand castle and fly a kite. Andi talks about how easy and fun Eric is. I’m pretty cynical, but even I can tell that Eric is super easy and fun. We’re all settling in for a chill date when A HELICOPTER LANDS AND TAKES ERIC AND ANDI AWAY! 10 points for a helicopter ride if you drafted Eric in the Fantasy League.

Eric is in the helicopter and says that he can’t believe it. Apparently, he’s never seen an episode of the ‘The Bachelor’. Shouldn’t he be used to helicopters? He’s an explorer. It’s not like he carves canoes out of trees and treks across oceans. He must have been in a helicopter before.

They land in the mountains. Eric talks about how much he likes the beach and the mountains. He’s totally in heaven. He got to go to the beach and the mountains on the same date. I can’t even handle how crazy this date is. The mountains are covered in snow and these two knuckleheads are wearing beach gear! It’s crazy. Twice, I had to check my temperature to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating from a high fever because of how crazy this date is. I wasn’t hallucinating. My temperature is normal. This date really is that crazy.

The fun beach kids are in beachwear on the mountain. It’s crazy. You guys have no idea. Eric throws snow at Andi and tells the camera that he can definitely see potential for love. I’m pretty cynical, but when he threw the snow at her I saw the potential for love too.

“We’re on a mountain.” – Andi Dorfman

Some professional snowboard guy snowboards up and helps Andi and Eric snowboard. It’s snowboardy. I think the sports quota is filled. It’s adorable because Andi can’t snowboard. She falls over. It’s amateur hour. I mean, this is a network. If you’re going to have people snowboard, make sure they can snowboard.

Andi tells the camera that Eric looks hot while he snowboards and that he’s good at everything. Andi and Eric are falling in love while they snowboard. Too bad he dies.
Eric thanks Andi for coming up with their epic beach/mountain date. Andi doesn’t say anything about the fact that the date was planned by ABC lawyers and producers. Not saying something is the same as lying.

After they sled down the mountain, they end up in a cabin to drink alcohol by the fire. Andi tells Eric to name three things he’s not good at. He says he’s bad at playing piano and skiing. It’s only two things. I don’t think that explorers can count. Perhaps counting is the third thing he’s bad at. Andi keeps saying the words “epic” and “stop”. She asks Eric a question and, while he answers, she says “stop.”

Eric tells a story about being a journalist in Syria. He was confronted by militants. ABC throws us some ‘Syrian story soft piano’ music. It’s a dramatic story. This date went from crazy to dramatic in a flash. This show has no rules. Eric turns his dramatic story into a lesson about his need to procreate with a woman. So far, zero guys have made out with Andi. Eric is just leaving points on the floor; although, you’d have to be pretty smooth to transition from a Syrian near-death story into a make-out session.

Back at mansion, 47 guys find out that they’re going on a group date where they have to take their clothes off.

We’re back at the mountain cabin. Keep up! Eric is still talking. Andi keeps saying “stop”. Eric says the word “kids” about 600 times. Andi talks about how much more comfortable Eric is. You guys, he’s super easy and fun. Eric gets a rose and 5 points. Looks like he’s ‘exploring’ love now! Boom!

Andi takes Eric over to the fire to eat marshmallows by the fire. He doesn’t make out with her. He’s an idiot. I scream, “Kiss her!” and wake up my wife who fell asleep during the Syria story. Eric says something as they go to commercial and Andi says “stop”. Why can’t she stop saying ‘stop’? It’s like she’s reading a telegraph. Why doesn’t Eric stop, you guys?

The group date is next. Keep up! Andi tells her 47 boyfriends that they’re doing something fun for charity. The guys applaud. These guys really love fun and charity. Andi brings the guys into a male strip club. Or, is it a female strip club? If guys take clothes off and women watch, that’s a women’s strip club, right? Look, there’s no time to figure this out because guys are taking their clothes off.

Andi and a guy with glasses watch the guys dance to audition for their roles in the strip club charity party. It’ll be in front of a live audience. The proceeds go to a charity called ‘Bachelor Gives Back’. That’s funny because, I’ve never received anything from ‘The Bachelor’ and I’ve suffered for a long time.

A bunch of cat owners show up to watch the men strip. There’s stripping. This is awesome because Andi is really getting to know the men she intends to marry. Some guy named Craig talks about how incredible looking Josh is. Craig says that Josh is incredible.

There’s a bunch of choreography. Cowboys, robots, firemen and soldiers dance and take their clothes off. Carl, who is a firefighter in real life, is a chosen as a sexy firefighter. That seems unfair. He’ll be so far advanced in sexy fire fighting.

One of the guys grinds on Chris Harrison and Harrison smacks his butt. The Blackhawks and Kings are playing in the NHL Western Conference Finals a few channels away. I’ll bet my dad is watching hockey.

After naked dancing, Andi gathers her boyfriends for a cocktail party. Producers press the button that makes Andi say “Y’all” a lot. Josh the baseball player pulls Andi aside to ask her not to stereotype him as a baseball player. I know. I’m confused too. He tells Andi that he’s the guy for her and that he’s not shy.

The opera singer sings for Andi. I’m not an opera guy, but it doesn’t sound like a good opera. Again, I’m not an opera judge.

Craig is in the other room and repeatedly mentions Josh’s body. Craig is a little drunk and in love with Josh. If you’re in the Fantasy League, Craig gets 10 points for drinking too much. He does not get points for REALLY liking Josh. Drunk Craig stumbles through the mansion to find Andi to act drunk. She notices his drunkenness and handles it well.

I like drunken Craig. I’d give him a rose. Can you email roses? All of the sudden, the music gets dramatic. Andi is upset because drunk Craig jumps in the pool. Andi questions her role on a reality TV dating show because Craig got drunk. She says “Y’all” a bunch.
If you’re scoring at home, dating 19 guys is fine and natural. If one of those men drinks too much and jumps into a pool, it’s the most unnatural thing ever.

Marcus calms Andi down. That was a close one. Andi gives Marcus the group date rose. The rest of the guys cheer Marcus’ continued dating of their girlfriend.


Chris the farmer gets the other one-on-one date. Luckily, cameras capture him fixing his hair before leaving. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have known how his hair got that way. Andi and Chris the farmer go to the horse track. She gives Chris the farmer clothes to try on and, luckily, cameras are there so we can watch him change into the clothes.

For the next 7 minutes, we watch horses. Andi bets on the 9 horse and the 9 horse wins. Now, all of the kids watching at home will think that gambling is super easy. Way to set the stage for gambling problems, ABC.
Speaking of ABC, the network hires old people to talk to Andi and Chris the farmer about being married for 55 years. Andi and Chris the farmer both want to be married for 55 years. To pull the entire show together, Andi makes a horse racing reference saying that she just has to “pick a winner.” I punch my couch.

After the thrilling horse/ old people thing, Andi and Chris the farmer retreat to a room somewhere to drink and talk. They talk and there’s talking. Chris the farmer was engaged before. When he relays the story to Andi, Chris the farmer almost cries. Almost doesn’t get him 5 points. Gotta see tears for 5 points.

Andi really likes Chris the farmer the farmer and gives him a rose. She also gives him a private concert from the ABC promoted band ‘This Wild Life’. That’s 10 points. Chris the farmer and Andi make out! One point! Why the hell didn’t you draft a Bachelorette Fantasy League team, idiot? You’ll regret that one forever. Also, why did you read down this far? I wasn’t there, but it seems like ‘This Wild Life’ enjoys their chance to play music while a farmer and district attorney make out in front of them. This life certainly is wild.

Chris the farmer tells the camera that he wants to win Andi’s heart because “that’s what dreams are made of.” My dreams are made of scenarios where I have to crawl through impossibly tight places to get away from people chasing me. I should have been a farmer.

The pre-rose ceremony cocktail party is next. Keep up! Andi is wearing a dress that shows 38% of her boobs. I measured. Nick V. pulls Andi aside to drink champagne and talk about relationships. Nick V. was the guy who won the first impression rose. That’s like winning a scholarship. Andi likes Nick V.

Marquel pulls Andi aside to show her how he wears really colorful socks, shirts and ties. Some other guy takes off his socks, puts them on his hands and does hand puppets. If you take off your socks to make sock puppets for a girl, she had better be 7-years old.

Josh the baseball player makes out with Andi (1 point). Craig does not ask to join their make-out session. Craig does get a moment alone with Andi to explain and apologize for his drunkenness. He pulls out an acoustic guitar and plays it. That’s 1 point. Craig is not a good singer. He’s super fun though, you guys. I wish you could just see that. Claire’s dad sees that. Craig’s funny apology song goes well.

The rose ceremony is next. Andi has to dump three of her boyfriends. I don’t recognize half of the guys who get a rose, but it’s early in the season. When she asks Marquel if he’ll accept a rose, he says, “Yes, maam.” I’m pretty sure that, if you’re dating a girl you’d eventually like to sleep with, you don’t call her ‘Maam’. I’m not a dating expert. I’m not an opera judge or a dating expert. I basically have no idea what I’m doing.

Opera singer gets a rose because he’s been planted by ABC. Craig, Carl and Nick S. do not get a rose. None of them cry while they’re saying goodbye to the camera. Nick S. comes really close to crying. Craig is disappointed, but he’ll always have his memories of Josh’s body. I’m going to miss Craig. Maybe I’ll follow him on Twitter.

Andi is down to 16 boyfriends. That’s almost like having no boyfriends. Next week, there are two full episodes on Sunday and Monday because ABC hates me. I hate you too, ABC. We’re promised drama, basketball, Boyz II Men and people being places for the wrong reasons. I’ll understand if you don’t watch or read.

Bachelorette Fantasy League Scoring update coming shortly!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Bachelorette Recap - Andi Dorfman Fights Crime and Love

Please note: We have added fun to the Bachelorette season. I have created a custom Bachelorette Fantasy League to bring even more enjoyment to Andi’s journey to find her true 6-month relationship. It’s super easy for you and a miserable pain in the neck for me. Just click to pick your three contestants here. I’ll do the scoring based on my fantabulous Bachelorette scoring system and we’ll update the standings here on each week.

If you don’t do this, you’ll never forgive yourself. Every time a helicopter flies overhead, you’ll think, “That could have been 10 points for me.” We’ll award prizes to the winners. It’s more American than scratch off lottery tickets and hats with foam boobs on the brim. Enjoy!

On to the recap…
They’re smiling because they hate my happiness.

Welcome back, sinners. America’s third favorite contestant from last season’s ‘The Bachelor’ is looking for love in all of the wrong places. Those places are ‘ABC’ and ‘hot tubs’. Andi Dorfman triumphantly marched away from Juan Pablo and captured a portion of our hearts. Essokay, she’s now the Bachelorette and gets to choose a lover from a sultry group of 25 ab-ridden males. There will be tears, making out, and pants. Lots and lots of pants. Please stop reading these recaps.

We begin our season the way we begin every season… with Chris Harrison paying homage to the guy who died. Apparently, one of the contestants, Eric, died while para sailing. It happened after he was already eliminated. As we know from ‘The Bachelor’ franchise, the only true way to find love is by doing something dangerous. I hope Eric found love before entering that final Rose Ceremony in the sky. Chris Harrison dedicated the season to Eric. So, this is season ‘Eric’.

Andi walks onto the scene to begin season ‘Eric’. She declares that she’s a prosecutor who puts bad guys away. That escalates into “fighting crime”. Now, Andi is a crime fighter. Cameras capture her packing up her stuff to leave her job to find love. She goes to a park to sit on a bench for two seconds. Then, she gets up and moves to a different park of the park to think. Keep up!

Andi leaves the park and all of that craziness to consult with her parents about making out with guys on TV. They’re supportive. Andi tells her parents, “Next time you see me, there will be two guys.” I’m sure her father is super happy to hear that.

On the prospect on love, Andi says, “I don’t need it, but I want it enough to go get it.” I’m that way with ice cream.

Next, Andi puts on clothes. Keep up! She walks on the beach to think in different clothes. THERE ARE SO MANY CLOTHES. She’s wearing clothes.
Andi’s sister joins her in her Bachelorette suite to talk about this fun experience she’s about to have. They discuss kissing guys. Then, they look at dresses. The Rangers and Canadiens are playing Game 2 of the Eastern Conference finals on a different channel. Sports quota filled, so is my sadness bucket.

Andi talks about finding love for seven solid minutes. She’s wearing different clothes. Each individual outfit has been dedicated to Eric. Chris Harrison welcomes her to the mansion and the guy limos arrive. I’m nervous, you guys. Are you nervous? I’m nervous.

During the break, we see a promo for a show called ‘Selfie’. We’ll know for sure I’m in hell if I’m somehow roped into recapping that as well.

The limos arrive. Holy smokes, I’m still nervous. Guys come out and make small talk with Andi Dorfman. A guy with a bowtie says that he’s “giddy” to meet her. I wouldn’t recommend drafting bowtie guy. A guy named Tasos is a wedding event coordinator. My wife says, “No chance”.

Because Bachelorette producers hate me, one of the contestants pushes his limo up the driveway. His name is Cody. Cody spray tans his face and pushes limos up hills. I’d date him.

For a half-hour, guys kick soccer balls, throw keys into ponds for koi to choke on, and set up lamps. It’s typical ‘first date’ stuff. One of the guys is named ‘Amal’. He tells Andi his name is pronounced “Anal with an ‘M’.” He’s a helicopter pilot. I hate this show.

Because ABC is out of ideas, they cast an opera singer named Bradley. He comes across as the kind of guy who stands at the end of the bed to watch people sleep. Not any particular people, just people. A guy named Mike tells Andi that people call him ‘Camps’. If people called me ‘Camps’, I’d find new people.

Eric comes out next. Eric eventually gets dumped and dies. His profession is listed as ‘Explorer’. I thought we already found everything! Are there still places to be explored? Does ‘Exploring’ pay well? Do Explorers get dental? Do they plant flags in stuff? Answer me!

Once we’ve met all 25 guys and have had the proper amount of time to fall in love with each of them, everyone heads inside of the mansion to drink and embarrass themselves. Andi addresses the crowd and says, “Literally, my heart is pounding right now.” She literally used ‘literally’ correctly.

Markel makes cookies and gives Andi cookies. He wasn’t carrying cookies when he walked in. Did he run into the mansion and start baking? Did ABC let him store his cookies in the mansion? That would be unfair. That would be like letting a horse wear a nose strip. Boom. Sports quota killed. Markel gives Andi a black and white cookie because he’s black and she’s white. It’s a metaphor, you guys.

Eric the dead explorer tells Andi that he likes to do dangerous things. She doesn’t tell him to stop doing dangerous things, so she is practically responsible for his death.

ABC loves to be stupid so they bring a guy named Chris back on the show for a fake moment. If you’re new to the show, Chris is a former contestant who has a bad temper. ABC plays up this fake angle by having security hold him at bay while he demands to meet Andi. A Bachelorette producer tells angry Chris that he’ll talk to Chris Harrison. Yes, because Chris Harrison is the Bachelorette Czar who can allow men with tempers to crash their carefully orchestrated Reality show.

Back in the mansion, Andi and Tasos talk about travel. Andi says that, if she could go anywhere, she’d go on an African safari. Tasos agrees and they hi-five. If you’re new to dating, hi-fiving a girl is a sure-fire way to get directly into their pants. No woman can control herself once she is hi-fived. I’m having trouble even typing from the heat produced by the hi-five.

Meanwhile, in the parlor, two of the guys really hit if off because they’re both into Formula One racing. They laugh and move closer to sit next to each other. I’m pretty sure it’s the closest this show has ever come to true love.

Chris Harrison pulls Andi aside to tell her about angry Chris the party crasher. He doesn’t warn her about his angriness. They’re all acting like this mansion is a house on Elmwood that you can just walk up to and knock on the door. Andi refuses to see Angry Chris because it wouldn’t be fair to her 25 boyfriends.

When Chris Harrison breaks the news to angry Chris that he can’t come on the game show, he gets upset and refuses to leave. Harrison is all, “you have to leave” and angry Chris is all, “Well, I’m not leaving!” Then, they go to commercial. So, that’s settled.

We’re back from commercial. Keep up! ABC has added another Bachelorette security guard to stand next to angry Chris so you know it’s serious. Angry Chris agrees to leave, but does so angrily. If this wasn’t completely fabricated, I’d be worried that angry Chris went off to kill some people.


Back in the mansion, people talk and there’s talking. Andi says that her 25 boyfriends are “awesome”. One of the guys is a farmer. Another guy named Marcus claims to speak German and Polish. He says one thing in German and is unable to speak any Polish. For some reason, Andi is still impressed by his lies.

It’s time for the first impression rose. The first impression rose is dedicated to dead Eric. Andi gives the rose to some guy named Nick. I don’t recognize him. If you’re drafting a Fantasy team, Nick already has 5 points. So far, no one has made out with Andi and no one has been injured. This season sucks.

Nick is totally surprised he gets the first impression rose. It looks like he can’t wait to tell his Mom about it. Nick seems nice. I feel bad for him that he’s on the show. Just as things are starting to get super fun, Chris Harrison comes in and chinks his stupid glass to announce the beginning of the rose ceremony. ABC plays super intense music for this moment. It sets the tone for intensity.

Mike with the hair says, “If I go home tonight without getting a chance to get to know Andi, it might rank up there as one of the worst feelings in the world.” I’m sure everyone who has been struck by lightning will agree with Mike.

These guys are already in love with Andi

The Rose Ceremony is next. Keep up! Andi is super emotional and thanks her 25 boyfriends for a wonderful evening and her lamp. She gives out a bunch of roses until Chris Harrison comes out to tell her to stop.

Among the notables to get a rose are the Pantsepreneur, Markel the cookie/metaphor maker, Tasos the hi-fiver, spray-tan limo pusher, the guy with the face, stupid guy, jerk guy and his friend the jerk, and the Opera singer who has been planted by ABC to annoy people.

Among the notables to be eliminated are Mike with the hair, lamp guy, hair guy, jerk guy and his friend the jerk, golf guy who golfs, and others. Mike experienced one of the worst feelings in the world. I did too by watching this show, but you don’t hear me complaining about it.

A guy named Josh cries about being dumped by the girl he knew for 4 seconds. He’s super sad and kind of angry. He even swears. Luckily, ABC bleeped it. Josh does have a great quote to sum up 18 years of this show when he says, “This is stupid.”

We get a preview of the season to come. There will be boats, more boats, trains, clocks, castles, love, sledding, making out, drama, dramatic music to accompany the drama, guys pointing at guys while they yell at the guys, and some amazingly surprising stuff. Also, Andi cries a ton because this is so seriously real to her and anyone who says this is a joke is being seriously offensive.

You’ve read an entire Bachelorette recap, which either means you’re drunk or bored. Since you’ve come this far, go to this page and draft three Bachelorette contests to form a fantasy team. The scoring system is fun. It’s super easy and there will be prizes. My Dad has a team.