“Who’s here to see some half-naked men?”
“Tonight is do or die.”
Those are three quotes from the teaser footage of tonight’s Bachelorette episode. If that doesn’t make you want to open a new tab and read something else than you must be really drunk.
Andi Dorfman continues her journey for love as America watches with bated breath. I had to cancel all of my doctor appointments for the next three months because I didn’t want to accidentally miss the exact moment that Andi found love. We begin the fun with Andi thinking and talking to the camera. For the second straight week, Andi says that it’s finally starting to sink in that she’s the Bachelorette. I can’t wait until week 10 when it really finally starts to finally sink in finally.
For some reason, ABC only had Andi dump 6 boyfriends in week one. That leaves us with 19 contestants. Andi is happy with her harem. She says, “I feel great about the 19 men who are still here.”
At the Bachelor mansion, Chris Harrison gathers the group and tells them how excited they should be that they have a chance to fall in love with and potentially marry Andi. The guys clap. There’s clapping. These guys know the odds.
We’re told that there will be a pair of one-on-one dates and a group date. The stakes are high. The stakes are love. Those are the highest stakes, you guys.
Eric gets the first one-on-one date. Andi’s 18 other boyfriends all pat Eric on the back and congratulate him for taking their girlfriend out on a date. They’re super happy for Eric and wish him well in his attempt to grope and bed their girlfriend. This is all completely natural.
Eric is an explorer who will die soon. He says the date could be the beginning of his fairytale. I’ve read one or two fairy tales in my day and the explorers in the fairy tales usually don’t die.
Andi and Eric jump in a car that has cameras installed in the dashboard so we can watch them talk about life and love and motorcycling across Africa. They drive to the beach. Eric should be good at beaching because he’s an explorer. Explorers usually start exploring at the beach. That’s just an assumption. I’ve never explored. You’ll have to read a real book if you actually want to learn something.
Andi and Eric build a sand castle and fly a kite. Andi talks about how easy and fun Eric is. I’m pretty cynical, but even I can tell that Eric is super easy and fun. We’re all settling in for a chill date when A HELICOPTER LANDS AND TAKES ERIC AND ANDI AWAY! 10 points for a helicopter ride if you drafted Eric in the Fantasy League.
Eric is in the helicopter and says that he can’t believe it. Apparently, he’s never seen an episode of the ‘The Bachelor’. Shouldn’t he be used to helicopters? He’s an explorer. It’s not like he carves canoes out of trees and treks across oceans. He must have been in a helicopter before.
They land in the mountains. Eric talks about how much he likes the beach and the mountains. He’s totally in heaven. He got to go to the beach and the mountains on the same date. I can’t even handle how crazy this date is. The mountains are covered in snow and these two knuckleheads are wearing beach gear! It’s crazy. Twice, I had to check my temperature to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating from a high fever because of how crazy this date is. I wasn’t hallucinating. My temperature is normal. This date really is that crazy.
The fun beach kids are in beachwear on the mountain. It’s crazy. You guys have no idea. Eric throws snow at Andi and tells the camera that he can definitely see potential for love. I’m pretty cynical, but when he threw the snow at her I saw the potential for love too.
“We’re on a mountain.” – Andi Dorfman
Some professional snowboard guy snowboards up and helps Andi and Eric snowboard. It’s snowboardy. I think the sports quota is filled. It’s adorable because Andi can’t snowboard. She falls over. It’s amateur hour. I mean, this is a network. If you’re going to have people snowboard, make sure they can snowboard.
Andi tells the camera that Eric looks hot while he snowboards and that he’s good at everything. Andi and Eric are falling in love while they snowboard. Too bad he dies.
Eric thanks Andi for coming up with their epic beach/mountain date. Andi doesn’t say anything about the fact that the date was planned by ABC lawyers and producers. Not saying something is the same as lying.
After they sled down the mountain, they end up in a cabin to drink alcohol by the fire. Andi tells Eric to name three things he’s not good at. He says he’s bad at playing piano and skiing. It’s only two things. I don’t think that explorers can count. Perhaps counting is the third thing he’s bad at. Andi keeps saying the words “epic” and “stop”. She asks Eric a question and, while he answers, she says “stop.”
Eric tells a story about being a journalist in Syria. He was confronted by militants. ABC throws us some ‘Syrian story soft piano’ music. It’s a dramatic story. This date went from crazy to dramatic in a flash. This show has no rules. Eric turns his dramatic story into a lesson about his need to procreate with a woman. So far, zero guys have made out with Andi. Eric is just leaving points on the floor; although, you’d have to be pretty smooth to transition from a Syrian near-death story into a make-out session.
Back at mansion, 47 guys find out that they’re going on a group date where they have to take their clothes off.
We’re back at the mountain cabin. Keep up! Eric is still talking. Andi keeps saying “stop”. Eric says the word “kids” about 600 times. Andi talks about how much more comfortable Eric is. You guys, he’s super easy and fun. Eric gets a rose and 5 points. Looks like he’s ‘exploring’ love now! Boom!
Andi takes Eric over to the fire to eat marshmallows by the fire. He doesn’t make out with her. He’s an idiot. I scream, “Kiss her!” and wake up my wife who fell asleep during the Syria story. Eric says something as they go to commercial and Andi says “stop”. Why can’t she stop saying ‘stop’? It’s like she’s reading a telegraph. Why doesn’t Eric stop, you guys?
The group date is next. Keep up! Andi tells her 47 boyfriends that they’re doing something fun for charity. The guys applaud. These guys really love fun and charity. Andi brings the guys into a male strip club. Or, is it a female strip club? If guys take clothes off and women watch, that’s a women’s strip club, right? Look, there’s no time to figure this out because guys are taking their clothes off.
Andi and a guy with glasses watch the guys dance to audition for their roles in the strip club charity party. It’ll be in front of a live audience. The proceeds go to a charity called ‘Bachelor Gives Back’. That’s funny because, I’ve never received anything from ‘The Bachelor’ and I’ve suffered for a long time.
A bunch of cat owners show up to watch the men strip. There’s stripping. This is awesome because Andi is really getting to know the men she intends to marry. Some guy named Craig talks about how incredible looking Josh is. Craig says that Josh is incredible.
There’s a bunch of choreography. Cowboys, robots, firemen and soldiers dance and take their clothes off. Carl, who is a firefighter in real life, is a chosen as a sexy firefighter. That seems unfair. He’ll be so far advanced in sexy fire fighting.
One of the guys grinds on Chris Harrison and Harrison smacks his butt. The Blackhawks and Kings are playing in the NHL Western Conference Finals a few channels away. I’ll bet my dad is watching hockey.
After naked dancing, Andi gathers her boyfriends for a cocktail party. Producers press the button that makes Andi say “Y’all” a lot. Josh the baseball player pulls Andi aside to ask her not to stereotype him as a baseball player. I know. I’m confused too. He tells Andi that he’s the guy for her and that he’s not shy.
The opera singer sings for Andi. I’m not an opera guy, but it doesn’t sound like a good opera. Again, I’m not an opera judge.
Craig is in the other room and repeatedly mentions Josh’s body. Craig is a little drunk and in love with Josh. If you’re in the Fantasy League, Craig gets 10 points for drinking too much. He does not get points for REALLY liking Josh. Drunk Craig stumbles through the mansion to find Andi to act drunk. She notices his drunkenness and handles it well.
I like drunken Craig. I’d give him a rose. Can you email roses? All of the sudden, the music gets dramatic. Andi is upset because drunk Craig jumps in the pool. Andi questions her role on a reality TV dating show because Craig got drunk. She says “Y’all” a bunch.
If you’re scoring at home, dating 19 guys is fine and natural. If one of those men drinks too much and jumps into a pool, it’s the most unnatural thing ever.
Marcus calms Andi down. That was a close one. Andi gives Marcus the group date rose. The rest of the guys cheer Marcus’ continued dating of their girlfriend.
Chris the farmer gets the other one-on-one date. Luckily, cameras capture him fixing his hair before leaving. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have known how his hair got that way. Andi and Chris the farmer go to the horse track. She gives Chris the farmer clothes to try on and, luckily, cameras are there so we can watch him change into the clothes.
For the next 7 minutes, we watch horses. Andi bets on the 9 horse and the 9 horse wins. Now, all of the kids watching at home will think that gambling is super easy. Way to set the stage for gambling problems, ABC.
Speaking of ABC, the network hires old people to talk to Andi and Chris the farmer about being married for 55 years. Andi and Chris the farmer both want to be married for 55 years. To pull the entire show together, Andi makes a horse racing reference saying that she just has to “pick a winner.” I punch my couch.
After the thrilling horse/ old people thing, Andi and Chris the farmer retreat to a room somewhere to drink and talk. They talk and there’s talking. Chris the farmer was engaged before. When he relays the story to Andi, Chris the farmer almost cries. Almost doesn’t get him 5 points. Gotta see tears for 5 points.
Andi really likes Chris the farmer the farmer and gives him a rose. She also gives him a private concert from the ABC promoted band ‘This Wild Life’. That’s 10 points. Chris the farmer and Andi make out! One point! Why the hell didn’t you draft a Bachelorette Fantasy League team, idiot? You’ll regret that one forever. Also, why did you read down this far? I wasn’t there, but it seems like ‘This Wild Life’ enjoys their chance to play music while a farmer and district attorney make out in front of them. This life certainly is wild.
Chris the farmer tells the camera that he wants to win Andi’s heart because “that’s what dreams are made of.” My dreams are made of scenarios where I have to crawl through impossibly tight places to get away from people chasing me. I should have been a farmer.
The pre-rose ceremony cocktail party is next. Keep up! Andi is wearing a dress that shows 38% of her boobs. I measured. Nick V. pulls Andi aside to drink champagne and talk about relationships. Nick V. was the guy who won the first impression rose. That’s like winning a scholarship. Andi likes Nick V.
Marquel pulls Andi aside to show her how he wears really colorful socks, shirts and ties. Some other guy takes off his socks, puts them on his hands and does hand puppets. If you take off your socks to make sock puppets for a girl, she had better be 7-years old.
Josh the baseball player makes out with Andi (1 point). Craig does not ask to join their make-out session. Craig does get a moment alone with Andi to explain and apologize for his drunkenness. He pulls out an acoustic guitar and plays it. That’s 1 point. Craig is not a good singer. He’s super fun though, you guys. I wish you could just see that. Claire’s dad sees that. Craig’s funny apology song goes well.
The rose ceremony is next. Andi has to dump three of her boyfriends. I don’t recognize half of the guys who get a rose, but it’s early in the season. When she asks Marquel if he’ll accept a rose, he says, “Yes, maam.” I’m pretty sure that, if you’re dating a girl you’d eventually like to sleep with, you don’t call her ‘Maam’. I’m not a dating expert. I’m not an opera judge or a dating expert. I basically have no idea what I’m doing.
Opera singer gets a rose because he’s been planted by ABC. Craig, Carl and Nick S. do not get a rose. None of them cry while they’re saying goodbye to the camera. Nick S. comes really close to crying. Craig is disappointed, but he’ll always have his memories of Josh’s body. I’m going to miss Craig. Maybe I’ll follow him on Twitter.
Andi is down to 16 boyfriends. That’s almost like having no boyfriends. Next week, there are two full episodes on Sunday and Monday because ABC hates me. I hate you too, ABC. We’re promised drama, basketball, Boyz II Men and people being places for the wrong reasons. I’ll understand if you don’t watch or read.
Bachelorette Fantasy League Scoring update coming shortly!