Monday, June 24, 2013

Bachelorette Recap- Germany is for Lovers

Dez (she's Dez now) dumped a couple of her boyfriends last week and the race for love is intensifying. As is the custom with our Game Show, Chris Harrison has taken things on the road. The group has journeyed from New Jersey to Germany. The hills are alive with the sound of slurping. Dez has only 11 boyfriends left. One of them will be her future fiancĂ© for a couple of weeks. It’s the Bachelorette.

Dez sets the tone for the week by saying, “This is the ultimate risk, putting your heart out there…”
I hope our military is watching and appreciates that statement.

Chris Harrison gathers the group to give details about this week’s adventure. I’m never really descriptive about the scenes. I don’t like to type too much. I’m positive that every word I write is a tempting opportunity for you to stop reading my recap and, really, I would never blame you. I can’t believe you’re here in the first place. Hopefully, you’re here for the right reasons.

The preview shows there will be a lot of snot bubbles and crying. I’m excited. Game Six of the Stanley Cup Finals is on another channel.

Harrison tells his hookers that there will be a 1-on-1 date, a group date, and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where someone gets dumped before they have a chance to digest their pork.

The guys all high-five each other because they’re excited to be in Munich with the other guys that their girlfriend is dating. Mikey says that Germany is the perfect place to fall in love. It’s true. Just read anything about Germany.

Dez is excited about being in Germany. She says, “I never thought that this would be my life”. It’s not your life, Dez. Free trips to Germany and sexy ‘hot-tub’ dates are not a part of real life. There are very few times in real life when a helicopter will pick you up to bring you to an orchard.

Chris gets the first date. They explore Munich, like Magellan would have. Back at the hotel, Bryden talks to one of his other datemates about his desire to leave the show. He immediately leaves his Munich hotel to dump Dez. Bryden says that he thinks Dez will appreciate the fact that he doesn’t wait until tomorrow. I don’t know a ton about women, but I do know that they hate waiting to be dumped. Women LOVE to have their dates interrupted to be dumped by their other boyfriends. What’s the point of dating 11 men if you can’t be dumped by one of them while you’re on a date with another one?

Bryden walks the streets asking random Germans if they’ve seen Dez or a bunch of cameras. He asks thirty people who don’t speak English, but doesn’t ask the guys behind him holding cameras and cell phones with the phone numbers to the other guys filming Dez on her date. It’s internationally annoying.

Bryden finally tracks down Chris and Dez. Chris is super eager to have his date interrupted. He is. He actually seems happy to see Bryden. Bryden dumps Dez and leaves Germany. Dez cries. A lute plays in the background while she cries so, you know it’s serious. Dez questions why Bryden bothered to come to Germany. I guess it’s also the perfect place to end love.

Dumped Dez and Chris continue their walking tour of Munich. They head into a German restaurant to drink and make out. Chris tells Dez that he’s there for the right reasons. They make out in German.

When they’re drunk enough, they go to a palace or something to eat on television. A poor Bachelorette intern had to light approximately 4 billion candles. It’s like a Sting video. Chris and Dez talk and there’s talking. They talk about families and relationships. I fall off of the couch because I was leaning forward, hanging on their every word. It was a super interesting conversation, accompanied by super-sensitive soft ‘relationship’ piano. Chris reads Dez a poem and I rip off one of my fingernails to contrast the beauty of the moment. Chris’s poem is beautiful. It has already been made into a Maroon 5 song.

Dez gives Chris a rose and they’re probably in love or something. Ask Mikey, Germany is the perfect place to fall in love. Chris says that he feels like he’s known Dez for years. This episode already feels like it’s been on for a decade so, I can’t argue.

When they’re done eating and making out. Matt White comes out to give them a private concert because the Bachelorette has never done anything like this. It’s not a played-out idea at all. If a Bachelorette date ever consisted of two people climbing down a building, while making out in a hot tub, while Hootie serenaded them with a private concert, the world would explode.

Chris tells America that he’s falling in love with Dez. He says, “This is happening. This is real… and… it’s happening.” Chris is this generation’s Robert Frost.

The group date is next.  The guys all put on coats to go to a snow-covered German mountain. Dez says, “Let’s go play” and I’m all, “Hell yes! Let’s play!” and they play. You have no idea.

A gondola brings the bunch up to the top of the mountain and they all gasp at the beauty. There’s yodeling… and beauty. The guys take turn yodeling. No one is making out.

When the super-fun yodeling is over, they ride sleds down the mountain. Everyone dies. I wrote that because I figured no one was reading down this far. There’s a snow ball fight. Dez laughs and the guys laugh. Everyone is laughing. It’s a riot. I have to close my eyes and think about horrible things to keep myself from laughing too hard so I don’t pass out.

When the snowball fight is over, and guys, it was super-fun, they go into an ice castle. It’s only the fourth time the Bachelor/Bachelorette has ever put their contestants in an ice castle.  The guys take turns pulling Dez into different sections of the ice castle to make out with her. It’s like a High School party, but there’s just one girl. Brooks makes out with Dez. I can see that their noses are runny from the cold so, they’re basically just rubbing snot over each other’s faces. It’s disgusting.

Instead of making out, big tough Mikey makes snowmen families with Dez. It’s a bold move from a guy who could bench press a truck. I know, when I want to seal the deal with a girl, I make a snowman family with her and talk about how many kids I want.

Shirtless guy Zak gets some alone time with Dez and tells her about the time in his life when he was close to becoming a priest. He’d be the gigoloiest priest ever. ‘Gigoloiest’ is a word, now. I taught it to my computer.

James is next for ‘ice castle’ snuggle-fest. James has been cast as the next villain of the show. The guys say that he’s there for the wrong reasons and that he has plans on becoming the next Bachelor. I’m assuming Ben is going home and, they need another villain so, they’re turning James into a bad guy. When Dez and James cuddle, ABC plays some ‘controversial snuggle’ music.

12 seconds after telling Dez that he’s falling for her, James tells the camera that he’s not a fit for Dez and that he doesn’t care if he gets a rose. You guys, he is NOT there for the right reasons. You have no idea.
Dez gives the group date rose to Brooks because he shared boogers with her. She should have given him a tissue.

Ben and Michael get the terrible 2-on-1 date. Michael says, “This is 2-on-1 is the worst possible scenario. I gladly accept this challenge. In this competitive ‘Gladiator’ style setting, I need to go murder Ben.” Michael then says, “Today is Armageddon”. I’m pretty sure ‘Armageddon’ means that it’s the end of the world. Michael is a little dramatic, which is perfect for the Bachelorette.

The music for their entire date is the kind of music they play on Lifetime movies when someone is stabbing someone. On their way to their 2-on-1 date, Michel and Ben are both drinking scotch. I’m hoping Michael really does murder Ben.

Dez, Ben, and Michael sit on German benches in a German park and drink from German Thermoses. I’m assuming their called ‘Germoses’. You guys, I totally just inventing a thing. Germoses! My computer isn’t even telling me that I spelled something wrong. Now, I’m worried that someone already thought of Germoses. It’s either that or, my computer has just given up on my horrible spelling and grammar.

When they’re done drinking, they jump in a freezing cold lake because Dez is here to find a husband. Dez fools them into thinking they’re jumping into a lake. Instead, they ride a hot-tub motor boat through the lake. Hot-tub motor boats exist so, that’s nice.

They drink alcohol in their hot tub boat. I usually need to throw up when I drink in a hot tub. I cross my fingers that someone throws up and ABC shows it. Ben and Michael argue but it’s hard to hear over the hot tub gurgling. Michael learns that Ben hasn’t talked to his son in a long time. He talks about how important it is for Dads to be around their sons. Dez is uncomfortable. She’s in a hot tub and she’s not even making out with anyone.

When we come back from commercial, James is rubbing Mikey in the German hotel for some reason.

We’re back to the 2-on-1 date. Keep up!

Dez, Ben, and Michael go to a cabin to eat on TV. When they’re done eating, Dez will dump one of them. They show a lot of the eating. Michael makes things more uncomfortable by pointing out Ben’s flaws. He grills Ben on religion and abandoning his son. I’m not really enjoying watching strange people eat on TV.

They’ve made Ben the villain, but he comes off looking good while being interrogated by Michael. He keeps his cool and leaves to go outside to breathe.

While Ben is breathing, Michael talks bad about him behind his back. Dez doesn’t seem impressed. Michael is screwing up his 2-on-1 date. Dez thinks about dumping Michael, but dumps Ben instead. I scream. Did you guys scream? Dez puts Ben in the limo so he can talk to the limo camera guy.

Ben talks to himself like a really bad actor would talk during a High School play. He doesn’t cry. He’s not even sad. He says that he’s going out to get drunk and hook up with German girls. You guys, Ben was here for the wrong reasons. You have no idea. I would never get drunk and make out with German girls.

When that’s over, Chris Harrison sits down for a stirring interview with Dez. They talk about who she likes kissing. Then, they replay the entire episode we have just watched because this franchise is void of content. There is still 20 minutes of show left. They should have shown more footage of Chris and Dez walking around Germany. It’s the perfect place to fall in love.

The cocktail party is supposed to be next. With Ben gone, James is the new villain. Keep up! The guys have decided that they’re going to expose James to Dez. The music is ‘exposey’.  ‘Exposey’ is a word now. Dez tells Harrison that she knows who she’s sending home and that she’s canceling the cocktail party. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES!!!!!!!! The music is ‘Rule-less’.

Harrison tells the guys that the cocktail party has been cancelled. They act like they’ve just been told Joe Montana died (sports quota filled). NOW THEY CAN’T TELL DEZ THAT JAMES IS A FRAUD! IT’S NOT FAIR! WHY DID THEY HAVE TO GO TO GERMANY?!

The Rose Ceremony is next. Dez tells them, “I didn’t want to put you through another cocktail party when I’ve made up my mind”. She’s a sweetheart. Those cocktail parties can be murder. I know I hate sitting on a couch and drinking. She’s a hero for cancelling it.

They give evil James the final rose to build up the drama. It works. Dez dumps Mikey in a German palace. Mikey said a lot of smart stuff. He had super big arms. I mean, he still has super big arms. He just doesn’t have them on the Bachelorette anymore… literally and figuratively. The guys are super bummed that Mikey is leaving. I know I’m always upset when my girlfriend dumps the guy with the giant neck who she is also dating.

Mikey goes out like a pro. He does not cry in the limo. He probably didn’t have to ride that far in the limo before getting a chance to sleep with 7 women at once.

Next week, they go to Spain or something. There will be a lot of crying because James is the worst person in the world… until he’s dumped and ABC makes a new villain.

While the credits roll, an old yodeler guy tells everyone that women aren’t important.

Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and his last name is the German word for ‘stomach’.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Bachelorette Recap- You Have No Idea How Bad This Show is

Dez (she’s Dez now) has her search for love narrowed down to 13 guys. I’m nervous… not because I don’t think Dez will find true love. She’ll find true love, no doubt. I’m nervous because the Bachelorette website tells us that it’s ‘Smooch Week’. ‘Smooch Week’ sounds like a terrible idea. I fully expect ‘Smooch Week’ to be 100% less exciting than ‘Shark Week’. Will we see footage of men jumping out of the water in super slo-mo to maul Dez? No. We’re going to see smooching. My esophagus already burns from bile. It’s ‘Smooch Week’. It’s the Bachelorette.

Last week on the Bachelorette, some guy named Brandon cried over being dumped by a woman he had known for 28 minutes. This woman was also dating a dozen other men. This season is reaching new horizons of suck. We will find that this episode carries that torch. (Sports quote kinda filled)

Chris Harrison wears a shirt that looks like a ‘color blind’ test and gathers his 13 friends to go over the episode format. There will be a pair of 1-on-1 dates and a group date. Harrison says, “You are obviously the 13 guys that Dez sees a future with.” It’s a profound statement.

I realize early that the hashtag guy is still around. His name is Kasey. He just hasn’t said the word ‘hashtag’ since week one. It’s a huge #upset. 

Harrison tells the guys that they’re traveling to Atlantic City. One of the guys says, “Unbelievable!” It is unbelievable that they’d go to Atlantic City. I simply choose not to believe it and assume ABC just green screened the entire trip from a studio somewhere other than Atlantic City. It is not possible that they are going to Atlantic City. I do not believe it.

Brad gets the first 1-on-1 date. The rest of Dez’s boyfriends congratulate Brad and pat him on the back because they’re happy that their friend gets to go out with their girlfriend.

Dez and James walk around a place similar to Atlantic City and have fun. It’s nuts how much fun they have. They ride rides and laugh. Before I realize it, I’m laughing too. This date is a ton of fun.

Dez smells chocolate and wants chocolate. James agrees to find the chocolate because he also is a person who likes chocolate. Dez says, “You have a sweet tooth?” and Brad says, “You have no idea!”

None of us do. None of us have any idea how sweet James’s tooth is. I’ll bet he totally loves sweetness. I’ll bet he has trouble controlling his sweet tooth. I’ll bet his sweet tooth gets him in trouble. It’s some kind of sick, demonic tooth, so obsessed with sweetness that it would leave his skull to murder anyone who would get in the way of sweetness. I think this but, to be honest, I have no idea.

They eat chocolate with their unwashed hands from a conveyor belt in the basement of a chocolate store. Dez is enjoying her date. She’s relaxed with James. Dez talks about how Brad is more in his element as he eats chocolate in the basement of a store. 

Some Bachelorette intern is forced to build a giant, intricate sand castle for Brad and Dez to cuddle in. Brad talks about his son and how he wants a good mom for his son. He’s so concerned with this desire that he went on National Television to find a good Mom who would also date 20 other men. 

The sand castle date is boring. It’s an awkward, quiet cuddle fest. They’re not making out and Dez is all about the tonsil hockey. It is clear Brad is going home. My wife says, “He’s going home”. 

Brad tries to start a conversation. Dez laughs and releases her jaw to gulp a gallon-sized glass of wine. She kills her anxiety with alcohol. Dez and I have a lot in common. Brad isn’t good with the talking. It makes for excellent television.

Dez makes Brad climb a bunch of stairs to dump him on top of a lighthouse. Brad thanks Dez for dumping him. I feel bad for his kid, watching this at home. Dad is boring, unless sweets are involved because, you have no idea.
Dez says, “I’m looking for a love that is a light in the darkness” while standing in a lighthouse. I wonder, if she dumped him in a knife store, if Dez would have said, “I’m looking for a love that cuts deep”. 

Brad cries during his goodbye to ABC cameras. I can make fun of this but I have never gone through what Brad is going through. I have no idea.

The group date is next. Dez takes her boyfriends to a street or something. “She’s like a unicorn. She shows up every once in a while for 10 seconds… and usually with another guy”. 

They go into a building. You have no idea. Chris Harrison walks up with one of the Miss Americas. They talk about the history of the Miss America contest. I learn. ABC is tired of Dodgeball so they have the contestants run through a Bachelorette Mr. America pageant. I cough up more bile.

The guys are tasked with learning a talent and answering pageant interview questions. It’s super goofy. You have no idea.

There are 3 judges; Dez, a Miss America, and the mayor of a city that resembles Atlantic City.

The Miss America asks Kasey the hashtag guy, “In a relationship, are you a giver or a taker?” Kasey does not say what America expects him to say. #doesntmakeasexualreference.

Mikey strips his clothes off four seconds after complaining how he’s seen as an object. The rest of Dez’s boyfriends clap and cheer for Mikey because he showed their girlfriend his ripped torso. Three more guys make stripping their talent. Zac W. rips off the Black Crowes and turns a classic song into a Bachelorette song. No one in the audience shoots him. It’s unbelievable. You have no idea.

The swimsuit competition is next. There are a lot of bulges. Game 3 of the Stanley Cup finals is on a different channel. My wife yells, “God that guy’s ripped” twice. I take a mental note to drink more beer because I’ve lost that battle. Kasey #wins the Bachelorette Mr. American pageant. He #nailedit. I’m #proud of Kasey.

When the fun of the pageant is over, the group gets back to the important task of hating Ben. Dez brings her boyfriends to a cocktail party to make out with most of them.

Chris pulls Dez aside to tell her how he goes to coffee shops to write poetry. It’s pointless to write poetry unless people can see you writing poetry. Dez loves Chris’s poetry. You have no idea.

Ben talks to Dez and the other guys gather to be mad at him. The rest of the guys bond over their hatred for one of the guys dating their girlfriend. My computer doesn’t think that the last sentence is a sentence and I’m too tired to argue. Ben doesn’t mind that he’s hated. He’s all about Dez. 

Zac W. tells the camera that he’s falling in love with Dez. It’s about time. Zac W. sings Dez another song and gets a rose. Then, everyone takes their clothes off to jump in the pool. This episode is an Algebra class on codeine.

Back at the luxurious Atlantic City hotel room, James takes a bubble bath because….

For his 1-on-1 date, James and Dez meet a lady from the Red Cross. The three of them fly over the parts of New Jersey devastated by Hurricane Sandy. Other Bachelorette contestants got to go to Spain.

They sit in A HELICOPTER and marvel over the destruction. It’s a bit of a 180 from guys in banana hammocks tap dancing. I’m disappointed James and Dez do not make out at all during their helicopter tour. James, at the very least, talks about how seeing the aftermath of the terrible storm has brought them closer together.

The Red Cross lady takes Dez and James over to meet a nice old couple named Manny and Janet who lost their home to Hurricane Sandy. They describe the night the storm hit and what has become of their home. It’s pretty bad. They have to sleep in the living room now. 

What the hell is the matter with ABC? This isn’t PBS! It’s the frickin’ Bachelorette. How dare they? I want sweaty abs. I want building scaling. I want fake girlfriends fighting with fake boyfriends. I don’t want real life. I hate the Bachelorette. It was all a big ploy just to get people to donate to the Red Cross... which… is probably a good thing.

Because Sandy ruined their 38th anniversary, Dez and James donate their date to Manny and Janet and they cry and Dez and James cry and my wife cries and I have allergies that are totally messing with my eyes like crazy.
Manny and Janet, eat on T.V. and they show it. They show them kiss. Get in the hot tub! Get in the hot tub! Kiss her like you mean it, Manny! Rub some abs! They don’t.

Dez and James eat fast food and talk about how much fun being poor would be. James makes out with her and then tells her about the time he cheated on his college girlfriend. James promises that he would never cheat again so, everything is cool. He says that a man can’t love until he’s cheated on a girl. He does. He really says that. He says that you need to cheat on a girl in order to understand love. I heard it with my ears. 

I can’t believe Psy sold out and did a pistachios commercial. I thought he was a true artist, above commercialization.

We’re back from the commercial break and Manny and Janet are still talking and looking at pictures. I’m sick of them. Dez and James join them at the table. Manny gives marital advice to a woman dating 13 men on National Television.

Not content with depressing Hurricane Sandy footage, ABC gives Manny and Janet a private Hootie concert. Hootie has a new album or something and no Red Cross is going to get in the way of the promotion of terrible music. Hootie sings and Manny and Janet dance. I would rather watch a street paver slowly run over a litter of blind puppies.

When you’re sure you’ve suffered enough, Hootie sings a second song while Dez and James make out. There’s some televised tongue. It’s unfair how bad this show is.

The cocktail party is next. Dez is excited to spend time with her 12 boyfriends. Michael writes letters down on paper to spell out Desiree. Michael is unaware that she’s Dez now. Then, they make out. A guy named Chris makes out with Dez 12 seconds after Michael does. Dez is looking for a love that is a light in the darkness.

Bryden is thinking about leaving the show because he has to share his girlfriend with a dozen other men. What a loser. Dez tries to talk Bryden out of it, despite his name being Bryden. Before Bryden can leave, Chris Harrison clinks his fork on his champagne glass to signify the beginning of the rose ceremony.

Dez thanks all of her boyfriends for being here. Then, she dumps the other Zac; the one who wears a shirt most of the time. She offered Bryden a rose and he hesitated like he wasn’t going to accept it. It was a total Bachelorette pump fake. I lol’d.

Other Zac is shocked that he is sent home. I don’t remember him saying a single word this entire season so, I’m less than shocked. Zac manages to cry to cap a perfect evening of television.

Next week, the Dez and her boyfriends visit Turkey to witness people blasted with tear gas and fire hoses… wait, I’m sorry. They’re going to Munich, Germany. It’s a dramatic episode. There’s drama. One of the guys says, 
“Today is Armageddon”. So, we have that to look forward to.

Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and survived ‘Smooch Week’, barely.

Monday, June 10, 2013

Bachelorette Recap- Dodgeball for the Right Reasons

We’re three weeks into Dez’s journey for love and I’m already developing an ulcer. She’s Dez now. Last week, Soulja Boy taught Dez’s boyfriends to rap and dance which, I’ll admit, is a new trick for ABC. I didn’t expect that. This week, we’re back to our roots of climbing buildings to prove we are capable of love. It’s pointless and overplayed, which is a Bachelorette staple. They manufacture ‘pointless’ like Battle Creek churns out cereal. Horribleness is my favorite part of a balanced breakfast. It’s the Bachelorette. 

Dez has a dozen or so boyfriends. This week, there will be a pair of group dates and a 1-on-1 date. The previews also show us that there will be a hospital visit and some horrible acting. I suggest not reading any further.

A bunch of contestants jump in a limo to go to their group date. The ‘All guys’ limo has mirrors on the ceiling, just in case. Dez takes them to a shed to meet a team of professional Dodgeball players (sports quota filled). The Dodgeball guys have hateful looks on their faces. They’re serious. There is serious music.

What follows next is, about, 17 minutes of Dodgeball on ABC. The Staney Cup Finals can’t even get a full 7-game series on a network. The group date is divided into two parts. They play Dodgeball. The winning team gets more time with Dez. It’s the ultimate sacrifice for the ultimate prize. They play the game in front of some people at a mall.

Dez is excited about the Dodgeball. She says, “I like to see guys in their natural state”. Their natural state is, of course, playing Dodgeball in front of a mall. This is all very productive. I read a statistic that 100% of successful marriages are built on a stable foundation of not talking to each other while one person plays Dodgeball. If you’re going to decide if you want to marry someone, you should definitely play a ton of Dodgeball and not talk to them about whether or not they want kids or have allergies.

Red team gets pumped up for Dodgeball by yelling, “What time is it? Dez time!” It’s Dez time because they ignore Dez to play Dodgeball.

The Dodgeball is intense. Michael G. says it best, “This is it. This is for all the marbles… and, what we think are marbles would be all of the minutes with Desiree.” I had to blink a couple of times because I thought Michael G. was Knute Rockne. It wasn’t, but he sounded like Knute Rockne.

Brooks breaks his finger, despite his flowing hair. A Bachelor medic comes out and determines that Brooks has a broken finger and needs to go to the hospital. It’s serious. The music gets serious. They show ambulance lights. I say the rosary.

The Dodgeball continues without Brooks. The rest of the Red team keeps Brooks’ locker intact in his memory. The Blue team wins. In the end, Dez took both teams on the rest of the date so, the volleyball proved to be doubly pointless. I had six hundred dollars on the red team so, I was pretty disappointed.

ABC takes us to the hospital to check on Brooks and his flowing hair. They sent their worst camera be
cause the hospital footage is very shaky and grainy. It’s hard to fully realize Brooks’ pain. I try. The hospital people ask Brooks if he does drugs. It’s subtitled. He says ‘No’. It’s hilarious.

At the post-Dodgeball cocktail party, some guy named Brad, who I haven’t noticed to this point, pulls Dez aside to tell her about his past. Brad has a son and didn’t even exploit that son. Brad’s an idiot. His son must not be cute enough to exploit.

After a struggle with his drunken wife, Brad had a domestic violence case dropped in the past. He’s ready to put that behind him to find love. It’s behind me too. I move on.
Some other dude named Chris spends 8 minutes with Dez and decides he’s built a connection. He just throws the word connection around all willy-nilly. Dez felt a connection too because she gave Chris a rose. They’re connected now, and I’m expecting their connection to echo through time.

Brooks triumphantly returns from the shaky, grainy hospital, still in his dodgeball uniform. He takes Dez to a couch, says ‘Hi’, and then they make out for 3 minutes. Brooks never got a chance to shower so I’m assuming he smelled kind of bad. After their make-out session, Dez says, “I love our conversations”.
A couple of seconds after making out with Brooks, Dez pulls Chris over to a private concert from Kate Earl. They make out. I hope Chris likes the way Brooks tastes. I hope Kate Earl likes pouring her heart into her music while 2 people slow dance and make out in front of her.

We come back from break and Dez is lounging in the living room of her mansion, reading a book. I hope she doesn’t have to sleep in that living room. Dez, mic’d up and perfectly lit, gets an unexpected phone call. She’s shocked. I’m shocked. Who gets phone calls when they’re just lounging around in the living room? No one, right? It’s a shock. We’re all shocked. Who is on the phone? I have no idea. 

So, it’s obviously an unexpected phone call because they’ve equipped the opposite line of the phone audio to be picked up by ABC cameras. It’s Chris Harrison. Dez and Chris Harrison have a poorly acted exchange about one of her boyfriends. One of her boyfriends has a girlfriend outside of the show. They music gets thundery. There’s a storm coming.

Dez’s pants are skinned colored so it looks like she’s not wearing pants.

Next up, we get a completely staged segment of television. Brian has a girlfriend back home and Chris Harrison doesn’t want him to get away with it. Brian and his fake girlfriend don’t actually exist. They’ve been hired by the show to add drama. It’s dramatic and annoying.

The girlfriend comes on the show and, honest to God, I’ve seen better acting at 3rd grade plays. It’s more painful than white people rapping. ABC has sunk to a new low. This woman screams a lot at Brian for coming on the show for the wrong reasons. Brian kinda defends himself.
There’s a ton of talking and head nodding. Chris Harrison tries to interrupt this girlfriend girl from talking and almost gets his finger broken. There’s no stopping this woman from talking. She’s a storm of emotion.

Brian was not here for the right reasons, but he’s leaving for the right reasons. He’s leaving because he’s a jerk and a paid actor. Dez kicks him off the show. Chris Harrison demands that he pack his bags and leave. Some big guy whose face they don’t show blocks Brian from saying goodbye to Dez’s other boyfriends.
One of the guys describes Brian’s deceit as “heartbreaking” and, it was. My heart is broke. I need a Bachelor medic to reset my heart.
Dez gathers her boyfriends and gives them one last chance to confess if they’re there for the wrong reasons. None of them confess anything. They’re all there for the right reasons. It feels good to have that cleared up.
I love that, on a show where a girl gets to know her 25 boyfriends by making a Soulja Boy video with them and then watches them play Dodgeball, she lectures someone about having a girlfriend.

Brandon, who is totally there for the right reasons, cries to the camera about guys who deceive women. He relates this situation to the guys who deceived his drug-using Mom. It’s emotional. ABC forgoes the soft piano for some soulful guitar. I thought the tearful display deserved soft piano, but I don’t work for ABC.
Kasey takes Dez away for their 1-on-1 date and the rest of the guys stand in the kitchen without their shirts. Kasey and Dez take a limo to Sunset Boulevard to climb a building. They act surprised that there is building climbing. Apparently, neither of them has ever seen the Bachelor before. 

Kasey is afraid to climb down the building, but he agrees to do it because it’ll show Dez that he’s here for the right reasons. They have a ton of fun dancing on the side of the building. I did not have a lot of fun. I miss Soulja Boy. Dez says it best, “I think I peed my pants”. 

When they’re done climbing the building, they sit on a couch to talk. This date is off the hizzah. It gets windy and their candles break. I get scared. My wife and I hold hands. Dez and Kasey jump into the pool. I start breathing into a paper bag to keep from hyperventilating. They make out and Dez says that the date is
disastrous. I hope Kasey has fun watching this back.
The date ends. Thank you for reading down this far.
The group date is next. It’s the perfect chance to plug the Disney movie ‘The Lone Ranger’. It’s good because, I’ve been waiting 70 minutes for a commercial. They show footage of the movie and then act out stunts similar to the stunts used in ‘The Lone Ranger’.
Everyone dresses ‘Old West’ style and they learn to lasso and fake fight. The fake fighting is better than the fake yelling from earlier on the show. When they mention Juan Pablo, they say both ‘Juan’ and ‘Pablo’. There’s horses and… you what, screw it. There’s no point in describing the rest of this date because, I can tell you guys care about it as much as I do.

Stuff happens and Dez gives Juan Pablo a badge. They go off and watch ‘The Lone Ranger’. It was a Lone Ranger commercial. We all got played. I hate this show. If she was smart, Dez would have taped the movie with her phone to sell bootlegged copies on the internet. 

Later, everyone drinks and hangs out by a campfire. Bryden and Dez sit in a tree. There are probably ants crawling all over them. You don’t just sit in a tree. Bryden doesn’t attempt to rape Dez, so she gets frustrated and attacks his face with her face. They make out. Bryden says, “It’s awesome”. USA!
Dez and Zak laugh and I laugh because they’re silly. Then, James comes over and there’s more laughing. Everyone laughs. It’s good to just relax and laugh. Then, James tells Dez about his father’s pancreatic cancer and there’s less laughing. Dez gives James a rose because his Dad has pancreatic cancer. My Dad never went that extra mile for me. They make out. I wonder if James can taste Juan Pablo?

The Lone Ranger

We’re back from commercial and Chris Harrison gathers the group for a huge announcement. Harrison says, “You’re probably wondering why I’m here because, the last time I showed up, it was to kick one of you off of the show for dating someone outside of the show”. It’s so clichĂ©. Harrison’s announcement is that the cocktail party has been cancelled to make WAY FOR A POOL PARTY! I’m relieved. There’s been way too much shirt wearin’ on this episode.
Ben steals Dez before the pool party to make out in her blue Bently. The Lone Ranger. The rest of the guys are mad at Ben. It was about time they got back to hating Ben. He’s seriously here for the wrong reasons. Ben lied about stealing Dez away to make out in her Bently. There’s a huge confrontation. The dramatic violin guy is in mid-season form.

Ben doesn’t care that the guys hate him. He says, “It’s called ‘The Bachelorette’ for a reason. It’s not called ‘Let’s Make Friends’.” That was my yearbook quote.

Brandon pulls Dez aside to cry again. He promises to never hurt Dez. He says the word ‘love’ and I throw my remote control across the room. This guy is unstable. He tries to make out with Dez but, she pulls back. She’s hasn’t had enough time to fall in love with Brandon. He should’ve waited until next week.

The Lone Ranger

The Rose Ceremony is next. Dez wears a blue chandelier around her neck and dumps some of her boyfriends.  Chris Harrison lets everyone know there’s only one rose left (because, that’s what he does) and I realize that Brandon isn’t getting a rose. She dumps him. It’s a lesson for all aspiring Bachelor/Bachelorette contestants. Wait until the road trip to tell him/her you’re in love.

Brandon swears and cries a lot. Dez tells him he’s an incredible person. She looks really afraid to talk to Brandon. I don’t blame her. They have a private talk (private, except for the millions of people watching) and Dez talks about how they don’t have chemistry. It would have been nice if they she had a chance to watch Brandon play more Dodgeball.
Brandon cries about being abandoned again. He says that he can’t cry anymore because he’s out of tears. I didn’t know that was a thing. If you could run out of tears, I would have been on ‘E’ after ‘Red Dawn’.

Next week, Dez has her boyfriends play Arena Football to get to know them better. The Lone Ranger.

Greg Bauch wrote ‘FrankDates’ for the right reasons?

Monday, June 3, 2013

Bachelorette Recap- Love is Like a Soulja Boy Video

Dez Hartsock (she’s Dez now) is looking for love. ABC is trying to serve love up. Dez is the poor girl next door with a Cinderella story. All of this year's contestants have two arms. I think the following three quotes really set the tone for tonight’s episode.

“It’s nice having Soulja Boy here to guide everything.”

“I never, in a million years, imagined that I’d be doing a rap video with Soulja Boy."

“Zak W. blew me away today.”

How could you not get caught up in this recap?

Fifteen contestants remain in this, the most dangerous of games. Chris Harrison gathers his crew together at the mansion to lay down the rules: 1. Do not rape Dez. 2. Have a devastating story. 3. Have abs.

The guys look their best in their logo-less tees. They’re excited about the prospect of finding love. I have to admit, I’m excited too. I love love. I’m rooting for everyone to be safe and have fun. After Harrison announces the rules, the guys all clap. They clap like first base coaches (sports quota filled).

There will be a pair of 1-on-1 dates and one terrifying group date that makes me question Democracy and the freedom of speech. What is seen on tonight’s episode cannot be unseen.

Brooks gets the first date. The guys all congratulate Brooks and pat him on the back for taking their taking out their girlfriend. They’re so happy for Brooks.

Brooks is excited about his time with Dez. He says, “She’s this ball of mystery to me”. Any girl would like to be called a ball of something. Dez is excited too. She says that, “I couldn’t be more excited”. So, to clarify, if John Lennon and George Harrison came back to life, and told Dez that she had just won the lottery, and then the Beatles performed a live concert on the roof of the Bachelor mansion, Dez’s excitement meter wouldn’t budge.

Dez and Brooks jump into her car and go to a wedding dress shop because Dez likes wedding dresses. Brooks is super cool about hanging out with Dez at a wedding dress shop for their first date because he doesn’t want to get kicked off of a reality TV show. Of course, any guy would be completely cool with trying on wedding dresses and tuxedos on a first date. This is, I think, the second or third time ABC has done this wedding dress date thing, and it wasn’t cool the first two times either.

Brooks puts on a super goofy green tuxedo and its super goofy. I can’t even stand it. I cover my eyes because, holy cow, the goofiness.

They go out for ice cream in their wedding clothes (so goofy!) and the crowd recognizes Dez. Some woman flips out and starts screaming and hugging Dez. This woman couldn’t be more excited.

Dez and Brooks make out on the Hollywood sign because, why not. They slurp all over one of the ‘L’s.
On the way home, they get lost (not really) and the neighborhood is bad because there’s graffiti. It’s clearly a poor neighborhood because a bunch of kids are sleeping in their living rooms. Brooks is sure they’re going to die, but Dez isn’t nervous because she knows that producers have set up a candlelight dinner in the middle of a bridge.

It’s a bridge date. It’s romantic. I can’t believe you’re still reading this. Brooks tries to talk about his parents’ divorce and the music goes from soft, romantic piano to ultra-soft ‘Brooks came from a broken home’ piano. It’s dramatic. Brooks’ Dad wasn’t around. He probably regretted naming his son ‘Brooks’. This show is dramatic. Brooks cries about his Dad and this guy is pushing hard for his own Bachelor season. America is falling in love with that bastard Brooks.

When dinner is over, the happy couple wanders further down the bridge to take in a private concert from Adult Contemporary star Andy Grammar. There’s a carpet in the middle of the bridge. Producers brought out a throw rug for their Andy Grammar concert. They think of everything. Andy Grammar is professional and doesn’t falter in singing despite some horrendous ‘White People’ dancing and some ‘bridge’ slurpin’.

The date is a huge success, I guess.

The group date is next. Dez lines up her 13 boyfriends to give them a speech about how serious she is about finding love. Then, she announces they’ll all be in a rap video with Soulja Boy.

White guys line up to freestyle. They all start their freestyle rap by saying, “My name is…” because that’s how white guys rap. Soulja Boy does a good job of not slapping anyone.

The rap being performed is called ‘Right Reasons’. It’s a parody of former Bachelor contestants. They make fun of Casey Mumbles, Mesnik, and Rated ‘R’. I’m hoping you have no idea what that last sentence means.
Soulja Boy takes a bunch of the white guys to show them some dance moves. Even this season’s black guy can’t dance. There’s a ton of dancing. There’s rapping. I don’t really have a lot to say about the rap video part. I hated it. I hated it so much I now have a bump on my neck.

The group date cocktail party is next. Shirtless guy questions whether or not some of the other guys are ready to settle down and be serious. He came onto a Reality TV show, to share a woman with 24 other guys, and he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Shirtless guy is a hypocrite.

Shirtless guy gives Dez a used diary. It has an inscription from a Dad to a daughter in the back, but the pages of the diary are blank. Apparently, the daughter wasn’t a big fan of her gift from Dad because she discarded it without ever recording a single memory. I argue with my wife over whether or not giving a girl a used diary on a first date is creepy. I don’t win a lot of arguments so, it felt good to be on the right side of one so lopsided.

The guys sit on couches and drink and talk about Dez. Some guy named Brandon says, “Love is like a butterfly. You hold it too loose, it flies away. You hold it too tight, it’s gonna die. So, I’m not going to be the guy to squish whatever I could have some day with her.” You can make fun of this show all you want but, you do learn a lot about love… and butterflies.

Ben has become the villain this season. He’s the guy who exploited his cute son to gain attention. He horns in on other guys’ conversations so they run off to huddle and talk about Ben. They don’t think Ben is here for the right reasons. I don’t either, you guys.

The plumber guy, Mikey, pulls Ben aside to give him a what-for. Mikey doesn’t appreciate Ben stealing time with his girlfriend. He doesn’t think Ben is genuine… I think. I don’t really understand Mikey because he doesn’t use his words. They laugh with each other and compliment shoes. This is a terrible episode of the Bachelorette. Mikey is a grown man, yet still calls himself ‘Mikey’. Even my computer underlines his name in red, as if to say, “Dude! He’s a grown man. No way he still goes by ‘Mikey’!”

Ben and Dez cuddle on a couch. They talk about his son. Then, Ben asks Dez if she would mind being kissed. It’s not awkward at all. None of this is. They’re on camera. The awkward part comes when we see Brandon sitting quietly in the bushes, watching them kiss. Brandon starts crying. He cries because the girl he’s known for 15 minutes kisses one of her 14 other boyfriends. Hey Brandon, you’re holding the butterfly too tight!

Brandon pulls Dez aside to tell his sad ‘I don’t have a Dad’ story. The ‘Brandon didn’t have a Dad’ music kicks in. Brandon puts his foot on the gas to tell a ‘My Mom did drugs’ story. A couple of the soft piano breaks from the pressure of Brandon’s dramatic story. It’s dramatic, guys. Brandon really likes Dez and tells her. He says, “I didn’t think I’d fall in like with her this quick”. I hate this show.

Dez tells the camera that Brandon would be a great husband. Then, she gives a rose to Ben because his son is cute. Dez doesn’t even realize that Ben isn’t even here for the right reasons. I realize it, guys.

At the end of the night, the group sits on a couch and raps out loud. I fish my keys out of my pocket so I can cut my arm.

The last 1-on-1 date goes to Bryden, despite his name. They hop in her aqua blue Bentley for a California road trip. Dez talks a little about how hard she had it growing up because her brother slept in the living room.

They go to the beach, then they pick oranges, then they eat cheese. Bryden says, “This is too much fun” and I totally agree. It’s too much fun. I can’t take it. Just as I’m about to explode, ABC goes to commercial. I totally dig toothy Jan from the Toyota commercials.

Back from the break and Dez and Bryden eat dinner outside in the dark. Please try to keep up. Bryden tells a story about getting into a car accident and the soft piano returns. He almost died… but, to the best of my knowledge, his Dad was around, so it’s not totally dramatic. Dez likes Bryden’s near-death story and tells the camera that she is falling in like with him. Bryden is an Iraq War veteran. He gets a rose. America rules!

Then, they change into bathing suits and jump into a hot tub. There’s some awkward talk. Bryden talks about what an awesome time they’re having, three times. Dez tells him to shut up and make out with her. He does. They rub abs and make out. It’s a hot, slurpy good time. America rules!

The cocktail party is next. Thank you so much for reading down this far. Michael pulls Dez aside to tell her the dramatic truth about his type 1 diabetes. At this point, the soft piano guy is getting hazard pay. This is more soft, dramatic piano than I’ve ever heard on the Bachelorette. It’s record breaking.

Right in the middle of Michael’s dramatic diabetes story, Ben swoops in and steals Dez. The rest of the guys hate on Ben and soft piano guy gets a break. Dramatic, serious violin guy revs up the ‘We hate Ben’ music. The guys sit on couches to hate Ben. I’m hating Ben from my couch at home, so I feel like I’m a part of the group.

Mikey and the rest of the guys yell at Ben. It’s heavy. Ben defends himself. They go in circles. It’s all pretty stupid. It’s like listening to drunk guys in a bar argue over who is a bigger Bills fan.

Meanwhile, SUNY Geneseo reads Dez another poem, or something. Some lawyer guy talks.

At the rose ceremony, Dez thanks her boyfriends for making her feel comfortable. Then, she dumps a couple of them. The black guy goes home. SUNY Geneseo goes home. He needs to work on his poems. He should focus on ‘butterfly’ analogies. It worked for Brandon. He got a rose.

While the credits roll, they play a portion of the Soulja Boy video ‘Right Reasons’. They don’t play the whole thing. They tell you that you need to go to to watch the whole thing but, crashed from the millions of people who went to the site to see the whole video. If you did go to to watch the entire ‘Right Reasons’ video, please stop reading my blog.

We made it through an entire episode and Hashtag guy didn’t say ‘Hashtag’. I’m #disappointed. It’s like he’s not even #trying. How do you expect to be #Hashtag guy if you’re not going to constantly say ‘Hashtag’ #fail #bachelorette #stabme.

Next week, an ambulance arrives at the mansion because, it’s the Bachelorette. There always needs to be an ambulance. I wouldn’t watch the show if there wasn’t the constant promise of someone getting hurt. They need an ambulance on stand-by because, love is like a butterfly. If you hold it too tight…

Greg Bauch wrote most of this with his eyes closed because they were caked shut with blood from watching all of the white people dance. He is the author of ‘Frank Dates’.