Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Bachelor Recap- Hot Tub Trifecta

Bachelor Producers are magical. I’m sorry, Bachelor producers are actually majestic (the word ‘majestic’ got thrown around a lot last night so I’ve decided to adopt it for my recaps).
Bachelor producers can take 11 minutes of content and stretch into a 2-hour episode. There was some making out last night and conversations about nothing but, luckily, ABC rolled out some old footage from the season and future footage from a horrible season to come and gave us a solid two hours of crap. It’s kind of like how your Mom added Corn Flakes to meatloaf, only non-delicious.

Here is where we’re at. Ben Flajnik, the Bachelor, has narrowed his search for love from 25 girlfriends to 3 girlfriends. I thought one of his girlfriends was just planted by the network to annoy America, but she keeps advancing through this game show so now I don’t know what to think. My entire world has been flipped upside. Plus, I hosted the WGR Whiney Awards tonight and I’m writing this recap while drunk and in a full tuxedo (not kidding, I loosened the tie).

ABC has flown the kids to Switzerland. Nicky says, “I can’t think of a more perfect place to fall in love”. That gets said every episode. I wish they’d go to a button factory so I could hear about how there is no better place to fall in love than a button factory.

If you’ve ridden this Bachelor ride before, you know what the final-3 episode means. Ben is going to have sex with 3 girls and then dump one of them. It’s his right as Bachelor, I guess. It’s always the worst episode of the season, other than next week’s and the week after that. The 3 remaining girls are Nicky, Horse Girl and Courtney, the paid actress.

Ben starts off the episode by talking about his emotions. They show him sitting in a hotel room, a limo and plane while thinking. That’s 3-different venues to think. Thank goodness cameras where there.

When Ben is done thinking, ABC shows us the stuff that we’ve already seen this season. We reminisce about Ben making out with Nicky and Horse Girl and Courtney.

Nicky gets the first Switzerland date. Ben brings her up into the Alps IN A MAJESTIC HELICOPTER!!!!!! SCREAM!!!!! Ben does a helicopter dance. I pee a little.

“This is my second helicopter ride ever… and it’s with Ben.” That quote is majestic.Of course, Ben has a picinic basket. I added an extra ‘i’ to picinic because that’s how I choose to pronounce picinic. Write your own damn blog.

Switzerland is beautiful. Ben and Nicky land in the mountains and talk about how beautiful everything is. Then, they talk about how cool it is to ride in a helicopter and how much fun they’re having and how good their conversations are. Ben compares ’love’ to riding in a helicopter over rocks because that’s what Bachelors do. Nicky says that she feels like they’re the only two people in Switzerland. She’s quickly forgotten about the 2 camera men seated next to them in the helicopter, the boom mic guy sitting across from them, they Producer up in the passenger seat and… oh, and the guy flying the helicopter.

Basically, Ben is trying to decide if he wants to marry this girl and all they talk about is how cool helicopters are and how good their conversations are. Nicky loves how much fun their hand-picked, ‘all expenses paid’ dates are. I can’t wait until Ben is planted in the real world and he and his bride are in a Walmart that’s packed with back-to-school shoppers and they’re arguing about whether they should move to a different check-out counter because this one is moving real slow and she thinks they should stay put because this line will move by the time they get over there and, look, that women just got in that line so now it’s too late and, well, they wouldn’t have been too late if they moved when he said they should have moved and why the hell are we even buying deodorant here? We’re saving 4 cents but it’s taking us an extra 20 minutes and you know I have to get up early for work tomorrow and it’s not like you even care because you moved out here to San Francisco 5 months ago and still haven’t found a job and things were so much more fun when we were dropped off by helicopters to the top of the Alps and ABC lit candles everywhere but now I don’t think I really feel our connection anymore because you talk during movies and maybe I should’ve picked Kacie B. even though her Dad is nuts.

So, their date goes on and there is a lot of talking.

Holy bleep. I just saw a commercial for 'quote' the new film Titanic. It’s not new. It’s been on Network TV. It’s, like, 15 years old. I even hate the commercials for this garbage show.

When we return, Ben and Nicky up the conversation from nothing to how many kids they want. Nicky says she wants 2. Ben says he wants 4. Nicky changes her answer to whatever Ben wants. She’s begging to please Ben. This poor girl, who probably never had to chase a man in her life, has to ooze affection from every pore to keep Ben interested.

At the end of the night, Ben presents Nicky with the Fantasy Suite card. These cards steal away any dignity these girls might have remaining. It basically says, “If you want to stay on the game show, you have to have sex and everyone in America is going to know you had sex in order to stay another week on a game show”. Nicky accepts the key to the Fantasy Suite. It’s a skeleton key which should make the couple feel safe because no one could ever pick a skeleton key lock.
On their way to the suite, Nicky makes a squeak noise and I rewind my DVR 12 times to hear it. It’s inhuman.

Ben and Nicky make out in a hot tub. They show their bed and an ABC intern has stacked 37 pillows on their bed. Who wants that many pillows? How many of those end up on the floor? All but 2 pillows are being thrown on the floor and they’ll probably knock over a candle and people will die.

Ben’s next date is with Horse Girl. They say hi and then run straight to a cliff to grapple over the side of it because you can’t get to know someone without hanging off of a cliff with them. Horse Girl compares love to cliff climbing because that’s what Bachelor contestants do.

She’s losing her voice for some reason. Horse girl is horse (thanks Sara). It’s like she constantly just toked a joint and is holding the smoke in her lungs even though I have no idea what that means or what I’m talking about, Mom.

When they’re done cheating death, Ben and Horse Girl whip out the Fantasy Suite Card. Horse Girl says ‘Yes’.
“It’s a fantasy of a suite. There’s no place that I’d rather be than right here.”
So, that’s what Marv Levy was talking about.

For the second time tonight, Ben tells America that he loves Horse girl and how he can see spending the rest of his life with her. They make out in a hot tub. It’s very much like Ben’s date with Nicky. There is a lot of slurping. I pretend like I’m watching but I’m not really watching because it’s uncomfortable.

Courtney, the paid actress gets the next date. Ben has concerns over her being a paid actress who treats other people like cow dung.
Courtney cries to the camera because she stabs people in the face with her fingernails and is just now realizing that that might not be okay with some people. We’re all pretty surprised too.

Ben and Courtney walk around Switzerland and talk a lot and picinic with cows and there is going to be less recapping from this point out because I’m exhausted and you get the idea. This show sucks.

Courtney spends time apologizing to Ben for being the devil. She says she just treated the other women like lint because she was falling in love with him. It makes sense to me. Ben accepts her admission of guilt and agrees to continue rubbing abs with her.

Courtney’s fake crying is so much worse than her fake awfulness. I really hope she never gets hired to do actual acting.

Ben pulls out the Fantasy suite invite to present to Courtney. The Buster Douglas win over Mike Tyson would be shocked if Courtney said ‘no’ to the Fantasy Suite romp. She just lied about being in love for 20 minutes in order to get another week of resume exposure. Of course she’s accepting the sex card. Ben takes Courtney into their private cabin, private other than the fact that American is watching them.

They make out in a hot tub, a lot. 3 girls, 3 hot tubs. I can't even look at a hot tub anymore. They're so cliche. There’s dramatic, majestic music for their make out session because, you need that.

We’re just over an hour into the show and ABC is already out of content. They roll out Emily Maynard, next season’s Bachelorette for a preview segment of what will surely be ungodly television. Emily is very pretty and completely void of any other interesting characteristics. She has a daughter that, we see, will be dragged through her search for her next 3-month televised relationship. I hope she’s already setting money aside for her daughter’s therapy.

Two former Bachelorette’s Ashley H. and Ali take Emily out on the town to prep her for Whoreville. My computer doesn’t think Whoreville is a place. I’m so angry. I can’t even keep up with this recap. I want to punch so many things. I hate Ashley H. so much and they keep putting her on television. She’s a toad stool. She’s useless! Now, they’re at the movies, watching Titanic 3-D and comparing it to the Bachelor. So, if you’re keeping score at home, there is no content on the Bachelor. They’re using a show, to preview the next show, during which time they promote a movie, and it’s not even a new movie. It’s an old movie that’s being re-released in 3-D because the same idiots who watch the Bachelor will probably let their wives drag them to theatres to put more money in Leo's bank account. I dodged the first wave of Titanic. I doubt I’ll be so lucky this time around. I blame Ashley H. because she’s awful and I hate her.

After promoting crap within crap, Ben reflects on having sex with his three girlfriends. He’s interrupted by Kacie B crashing the Switzerland party. She has a camera follow her to Ben’s hotel. Ben, with two cameras and a producer behind him, acts surprised to see her… even though … never mind. This show is filth.

Kacie B. wants to talk to Ben to fill in some content holes in the episode and get answers on why she was dumped. She is not wearing eye black (mistake). Ben basically tells her that he didn’t like her Dad. He doesn’t say it but we all know what he meant.

Kacie B. warns Ben about how awful Courtney is (dirty pool). She tells Ben that she’s fake and doesn’t really love Ben. I wonder why Chris Harrison never tells Ben these things. He knows. He sees the tape. How does Chris Harrison sleep at night?

Having failed in her attempt to get back on the show, Kacie B. leaves Switzerland to get ready to be the Bachelorette in 2 years or something . Because we didn’t get enough tears and snot in her dramatic exit from the show last week, we get more tears from Kacie B. on the way out. We go to commercial with some dramatic footage of Ben thinking. Any kids out there hoping to land careers as Reality Television producers take note; footage of people thinking is gold.

There’s been a ton of crap and there’s still 20 minutes left. ABC gives us more ‘Ben Thinking’ footage and drags out Chris Harrison for an interview to go over everything we just watched. Chris Harrison nods his head a bunch. Ben says everything he just said for the last hour and 45 minutes. It’s not majestic. Chris offers to put Kacie B. back in the Rose Ceremony. Ben declines. I think it would have been lol hilarious if he pointed to a room and asked if Ben wanted an hour in the Fantasy Suite with Kacie B.

Ben talks some more. There’s soft music and more Chris Harrison head nodding. We get 3 more minutes of Ben thinking. Do you think, if I wrote a nasty letter to ABC, they’d stop making the Bachelor? Do you think Kristen Bell is nice in real life? I feel like ‘Forgetting Sara Marshall’ has ruined any chance of that being true in my mind. I’m sorry, she was in one of the commercials and I’ve become distracted.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Ben says that he’s deciding who he kicks to the curb at the line of scrimmage (sports quota filled)

Ben gives a speech about love or something and then thanks the 3 girls for having sex with him. Then, he sends Nicki home. I think she’s going to really dislike watching this one back with her family and friends surrounding her. That was some epic ‘Putting Yourself Out There’ television.

Nicky thanks Ben for dumping her and wishes him happiness. In an upset, she does not stab him. Ben is a big stupid-head jerk.

Nicky has some good limo snot ablazin’. You can tell that she really convinced herself that she loved the guy she met 4 weeks ago who happened to be dating 25 other women.

So it’s down to Horse Girl and Courtney. Every girl has warned Ben about Courtney and he still holds on to her. Either he’s madly in love with Horse Girl and just keeping Courtney around for ab work or he’s the dumbest man alive. Well, second dumbest. I recap the Bachelor.

Next week, they bring all of the hoochies back for the ‘Women Tell All Episode’. I hope I drink enough alcohol to rupture an organ and get out of recapping it.

While the credits are rolling, they show Ben fall out of a helicopter and into a gorge. His arm gets trapped under a rock he has to bite it off to make it back to the Fantasy Suite.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Getting Hit by Nuns Will Earn You a Fish Fry

“Hey, we’re not allowed to eat meat on Fridays so we have to eat more fish.”

“Yeah, but who wants to eat fish? This is bullshit. Fish tastes like ass hair..”

“Burnt ass hair!”

“..Yeah, burnt ass hair!”

“I know. Let’s deep fry the fish in batter and serve it with a shit ton of butter and French Fries and beer!”

“You’re a fucking genius!”

That’s an actual conversation between the two people who invented Fish Fries, probably. They make a good point. Fish Fries are awesome.
I went to a Catholic Elementary school. For two years, my desk was placed right next to an ancient radiator. If I wandered off and lost focus, my arm would slide across my 400-year old desk and get too close to that radiator. I would burn my elbow on near-molten iron. That’s the nicest and sweetest thing that happened to me while attending Catholic school.

I was once conjugating Latin verbs at the blackboard (with chalk) when one of my classmates started laughing in his seat. The Nun teaching the class thought that I had done something to make this kid laugh and grabbed my neck with her fingers. It was a full-on Vulcan neck pinch. This 60-pound, 4-foot woman had me on my knees in a millisecond. It’s the kind of act that would get a school on the news today.

I’m not complaining. I’m glad that a Nun once screamed at me for making a ‘buzz’ sound with wax paper and a comb in the back of Art class because now I’m not a total douche who throws cigarette butts out of my car window.

More people should have their necks pinched by Nuns.

Also, Fish Fries! The point of all of the beatings and psychological torture was penance. We had to learn that we’re total dicks who can get out of hand. For Lent, you have to give up something you love for 40 days and you can’t eat meat on Friday’s because… honestly no one knows. There is no equitable reason why anyone would bar anyone from eating meat on any certain day. So you didn’t go crazy and start hitting people over irrational meat restraints, you get a Fish Fry on Friday. Fish Fries are delicious. They are served with beer, if you’re old enough. The combination of beer and 425 degree vegetable oil is scientifically awesome.

The first time my parents took me out for a Fish Fry, we went to the Glass Gazebo on Seneca Street, a restaurant that has since burned down. The Glass Gazebo had special place mats for kids. There was a puzzle where you had to find a number of items hidden into an ‘Old West’ drawing. The waitress let me take a bunch of the place mats home, which made no sense because, once you found the hidden items, the place mats were pretty much useless. The Fish Fry was still really good.

And before you fill the fucking comment section with your bull shit suggestions for the best Fish Fry in Buffalo, I’ll end the argument now. The best Fish Fry in Buffalo is the one you’re going to this Friday. There is no such thing as a bad Fish Fry, unless they bake the fish. Any establishment that serves baked fish should be shut down by the government.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Bachelor Recap- Please Impregnate My Daughter

There are two kinds of people who read my Bachelor Recaps, those who actually watch the show and the lucky people; the people who will never know pain. I hope so badly that you did not just waste the brain cells it takes to have your eyes tell your brain that you're watching the Bachelor. Those cells do not grow back. They're gone forever. I'm 12% more an idiot than I was this morning.

Ben is down to 4 girlfriends. It’s pathetic. It’s borderline monogamous. What’s the point of even waking up in the morning if you don't have 25 girlfriends? 4 girlfriends is like having no girlfriends. I almost feel bad for Ben.

Ben is traveling to the hometowns of the 4 remaining girls to meet their dads and ask their dads for permission to marry the dad’s daughter on a Network TV primetime special.

Horse Girl is first up on the girlfriend World Tour. Since the season is almost over, I should point out her real name. It’s Lindzi. Even my computer knows that she spells her name incorrectly. She’s from Florida and she’s on a horse when Ben walks up to Florida. Ben says, “Lindzi looks super sexy on a horse”. I think that throwing the word ‘super’ in front of everything is catching on. My recaps are super influential.

They ride a horse over to some trees so they can sit on the grass while their horse eats. They talk about Horse Girl’s past relationships. Then, they make out. Both of their shirts look crisp and colorful. I wonder if people on TV ever have to do laundry.
When he’s done jamming his tongue down Horse Girl’s throat, he meets her parents. They are not on horseback. It’s confusing.

It turns out that Horse Girl’s parents got married in the City Hall in San Francisco. Ben and Horse Girl broke into the San Francisco City Hall to make out and watch some ABC affiliated band play one song. What a small world.

After drinking and talking, they race horses in Horse Girl’s backyard. ABC gives us some ‘Chariots of Fire’-level dramatic music. I need you to know that this last part about the horse race will be the most exciting part of this recap. This is a brutal 2 hours. There is just so much talking. Horse Girl’s Mom talks to Ben. Then, Horse Girl’s Dad talks to Ben. They drink wine out of glasses that look a lot like Mayonnaise jars with wine glass stems. Horse Girl’s parents seem nice. I feel bad that their daughter might make it to next week and they’ll have to watch her have near-sex with a man in front of millions of people on TV.

When he’s done earning Horse Girl’s parents’ trust, he pulls Horse Girl into the backyard to make out. There is a lot of slurping.

Next, we’re magically whisked away to Clarkesville, TN. It’s the home of Kacie B. who, as you may have mentally noted, also spells her name incorrectly. She is not wearing eye black.

ABC gets Kacie B. a marching band so she can twirl a baton in front of Ben. I already miss the boring horse race from 10 minutes ago.

They sit in the bleachers of the football field named after her grandfather and drink wine. Kacie B. talks about her dead grandparents.

Kacie B’s dad is a corrections officer who doesn’t drink. This should be a fun dinner to recap. Ben says that he doesn’t want to kiss Kacie B. in front of her Dad out of respect. Again, I hope Dad has fun watching the ‘ab-grind’ Fantasy Suite action that goes on next week.

Kacie B’s family leads the league in tooth-whiteness. Their teeth could provide illumination for a Monday Night Football game (sports quota kind of filled).

There is a ton of talking. Kacie B. loves Ben and tells everyone that she loves Ben. Kacie B’s Dad pulls Ben aside to scare the hell out of America. ABC gives us some dramatic ‘Dad Yelling’ music. Dad doesn’t approve of any of this Reality TV dating bull bleep. He doesn’t think you can fall in love on TV in 12 days while dating 25 women with millions of people watching. What an idiot.

During the intermittent interview pieces thrown in throughout this portion of the show, Ben is wearing a different shirt than the one shown when he’s talking to Kacie B’s family. It gets me thinking about the interview pieces. When Ben is swimming with sharks and his girlfriends, they break up the footage with shots of Ben talking about how scary the shark swimming scene is that you’re watching. That means, producers pull him into a room at the end of the day and ask him questions like, “How did it feel to swim with sharks… and… answer the question like you’re swimming with the sharks now, like, pretend like you’re in the ocean and swimming at this exact moment”. Television is so stupid.

Kacie B. is talking to her Mom now. I was sick of seeing the red squiggly line under Kacie B’s name on my computer, so I right-clicked it and taught my computer to misspell the name ‘Kasey’. My computer is now an idiot. My computer thinks that it’s okay to spell it ‘Kacie’. I feel like a bad parent.

We get down to the nitty-gritty when Kacie B’s Dad basically tells her that she isn’t allowed to marry Ben. It’s super dramatic. It flies in the face of Bachelor logic. I mean, of course Kacie B. is ready to marry Ben. She’s made it to week 8!

Ben drives away from Clarkestown, TN and they don’t make out at all and there is no slurping or anything.

Ben heads to Texas to get cozy with the family of the other brunette. Her name is Nicki. Before Nicki takes Ben home, they smear a giant florescent yellow Hi-Liter across ‘Stereotype’ City by buying cowboy boots. I hope a Bachelor contestant from Buffalo never makes it to the final four. They’ll be going over Niagara Falls in a barrel while eating Chicken Wings. Actually, Gwen from Season 2 was from Buffalo and made it to the Final Four and lost. This city is cursed.

Nicki is divorced so her parents are pretty broken in on the disappointment front. They talk about it and a ton of other stuff because all this show is is a giant talk about relationships and feelings and there was this show on the Travel Channel about a hotel in Sweden made completely out of ice and snow and it was so much more interesting than this pile of cow dung and now Ben and Nicki are making out and finally, some making out.

Nicki takes Ben home. They make out some more in the driveway.

Nicki’s Mom pulls her into a bedroom to have a private talk. It makes a ton of sense that the first private talk a mother and daughter have other whether or not she should marry a guy is held with a camera man 3-feet away. This show is super healthy.

Nicki’s Dad takes her aside to make America cry. He says that he takes the blame over her first marriage failing. He shouldn’t have given her away to the wrong man. Nicki cries. Nicki’s Dad cries. My wife cries. America cries... parts of Canada too.

Everyone eats dinner on TV. Nicki takes Ben in the other room to tell him that she’s in love. She hardly ate any of her food. They show her plate and there is bacon everywhere. She didn’t touch her bacon. I hope that someone tells Ben that Nicki wastes bacon. That’s a deal breaker.

Ben and Nicki make out under the Texas moon.

Ben’s last stop on the ‘Family visit’ train is Courtney’s hometown of Scottsdale, AZ. Because Courtney is a paid actress, paid to be on the show and create fake drama, I can only assume that her family will consist of paid actors and actresses. I go in with my fingers crossed, hoping that ABC casted the Dad from the Wonder Years for this role. I always thought he was the best TV Dad. He was super believable.

They go with a no-name actor to play Courtney’s Dad. I am disappointed.

Courtney scenes are hard enough to take, but now she doesn’t have any girls to taunt and tease. She’s basically useless. She starts off by openly feeling bad about treating the other contestants on the show like garbage. I’m sure all is forgiven.

Ben is wearing another crisp new shirt. There’s a lot of talking about whether or not a girl can fall in love with a guy in 12 days while he’s dating 24 other women in front of cameras. I swear, no one seems to get this show. They’re all idiots.

Courtney’s actor Dad pulls Ben aside to wear a sweater vest and talk. He equates marriage to Roulette or something. I wasn’t really paying attention. I did look up in time to catch Courtney’s Dad ask Ben to impregnate his daughter. ABC used ‘Dad asking Ben to impregnate his daughter’ music.

Courtney’s Mom looks fake and sounds like a chipmunk. She’s very good at reacting to what other people are saying with her facial features. That’s a good quality in a paid actress.

Courtney’s Dad wears shoes without socks and I don’t know how guys do that without their feet tripping military mustard gas sensors that probably exist to prevent mustard gas smuggling and I just really can’t believe anyone would read down this far.

When Ben is done gaining permission from fake parents to marry fake people, they head to the park. ABC gives Ben and Courtney a picnic basket for their walk in the park. Where can you even get a picnic basket? I’ve never seen a picnic basket for sale. Can I go to T.J. Maxx and buy a picnic basket? I’m assuming that would be the place to go. I can just picture the look on my own face as I stand in the middle of T.J. Maxx while my wife sifts through piles of picnic baskets and I’m probably holding her purse in this scene because I’m already in T.J. Maxx buying picnic baskets in the middle of my recap about the Bachelor that 12 people will read (most of them women).

We’re back in the park and Courtney has set up an outdoor altar so she can bring Ben up and tell him that she loves him. She makes him wear a bow tie and write out fake wedding vows. She stages a big fake wedding with a fake Justice of the peace and it’s not the least bit interesting. I couldn’t hate this show more. On a scale of 1-to-10, I hate this show a ‘10’, the most you could possibly hate the show on the predetermined scale given.

When Courtney gets done telling Ben that she loves him, Ben says “Wow”. Then, they finish the fake wedding and then they make out in front of the fake Justice of the peace. I’ve capitalized the ‘J’ in justice but not the ‘P’ in peace. I’m not sure if that’s correct. My computer isn’t any help. It doesn’t even know how to spell ‘Kasey’.

I’m about to burst from all of the fun I’ve had and then ABC rolls out Chris Harrison to interview Ben and show us footage from the 90 minutes of television we have just watched in case anyone has that disease the guy from ‘Momento’ had where he can’t remember anything that happened 3 seconds ago. By the way, if you’ve never seen the movie ‘Momento’ you should do so.

On the plus side, I get to see Ben and Nicky buy cowboy boots again. I mean, you think something is a ‘Once in a Lifetime’ opportunity and then it happens again and I don’t even know how to act.

After a useless segment of repeating the entire show, Ben lines up his girlfriends to dump one of them. I was assuming Ben was sending Courtney home but they got almost married in front of a fake Justice of the peace, so I guess it’s anyone’s game at this point.

Chris Harrison drops the drama-bombs and lets the girls know how serious it is to bring a guy to meet your parents, as if we didn’t know. It’s super important. Ben gives a speech and then dumps Kacie B.

I’m floored. I joke, but I seriously thought she was going to win the game show. I wonder if Ben did it to protect her Dad from having to watch her have sex with him. Maybe he dumped her because she wasn’t wearing eye black.

I can’t believe Ben dumped Kacie B. Shut the front door! (Are you even paying attention?) Kacie takes the dumping well. She tells Ben not to feel bad for dumping her. I THINK SOMEONE’S ANGLING TO BE A BACHELORETTE!!!!

Ben puts his girlfriend in a limo so she can cry.

Kacie B asks, “Why does love hurt so bad?” It’s a good question. She’s doing a lot of crying. I hit the info button to see that there is still 4 minutes left in the show. That’s a lot of time for mascara and snot.

Ben goes back to his other girlfriends and makes a joke about how hard it was to dump Kacie B. Ben is kind of a jerk. He’s taking his 3 remaining girlfriends to Switzerland so he can have sex with them and then dump one of them. That’s next week. If you read this far down, buy yourself some ice cream. You’ve earned it.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Bachelor Recap- If Only My Boyfriend Didn't Have 5 Other Girlfriends

Ben Groban has narrowed down his search for love to 6 women. They’re in Belize. There is only one “Can you Belize…” joke the entire episode. I’m upset, to say the least. This episode of the Bachelor is huge because, next week, Ben travels to the hometown of the 4 remaining Game Show contestants. (Spoiler Alert! That's not the last time you're going to read that sentence!)

We open with Ben thinking about his journey in a little airplane and how huge it will be to meet his girlfriends’ families. Then, the girls chime in to tell us about the crucialness of making it through to the week where Ben meets their family. Chris Harrison then comes aboard to tell everyone how huge it is for Ben to meet someone’s family.There will be three 1-on-1 dates and a group date.

Sense a theme?

Horse girl gets the first date. Ben picks her up from her Belizian Hotel IN A HELICOPTER!!!! As she watches Ben walk away with another girl, Emily comes up with a brilliant metaphor.
“It’s like someone sliced a delicious piece of cheesecake and put it in front of me and then someone else takes it says ‘Bye Bye’ and walks away… with my cheesecake…. In swimtrunks”

Ben and Horsegirl ride their helicopter out into the middle of the ocean to jump out of their helicopter. They both seperately pontificate the importance of hometown dates. Horsegirl is super afraid of jumping out of the helicopter... which is good because we all know that you can’t fall in love unless you’re afraid that you’re about to die. Horsegirl compares jumping out of a helicopter to falling in love. Then, they jump out of the helicopter. Then, they make out.

Ben says, “Jumping out of a Helicopter with Lindsey is something I’ll never forget.”
Because she jumped out of a helicopter, Horsegirls says that she has officially fallen in love with Ben.

That night, ABC lights four thousand candles to set afloat in the ocean so Horsegirl can remark how awesome it was for Ben to light so many candles. Then, they talk about how awesome it was to jump out of a helicopter and how huge it will be to meet horsegirl’s family. Horsegirl has had a tough week and is losing her voice. She’s a little horse.

Ben gets this huge romantic idea from an ABC producer who tells him that they have to write a note to stick in a bottle and throw into the ocean. It’s a super romantic story about their time together and how they jumped out of a helicopter. They daydream about the person who will find their bottle and read their romantic tale. I’m guessing it’ll be a 300lb fisherman with a Budweiser hat who finds the bottle while taking a leak off of the side of his Pontoon boat.

Emily gets the next 1-on-1 date. They ride bikes and hold hands and play basketball with Belizian men. (sports quota filled)
Emily and Ben get hungry and want to kill lobsters so some guy takes them out on a boat to kill lobsters. Emily marvels at how spontaneous Ben is for following the directions of the producers who set up, in detail, their lobster-killing excursion. They catch lobsters with their hands. Then, they high five.
Can we please get rid of high-fiving? Nothing is more awkward than watching two people high-five, especially if they're a white couple pretending like they’re in love on a Reality TV show in Belize.
When they're done high-fiving, they make out.Emily reflects on her wonderful date with a Hall of Fame quote, “If only my boyfriend didn’t have 5 other girlfriends.”

Back at the hotel, the paid actress Courtney who was planted on the show to act awful and stir bleep up is crying about Ben’s connection with Emily. She’s mad because Emily was mean to her after she was mean to Emily. She tells one of Ben’s other girlfriends that she might just go home if she doesn’t get a 1-on-1 date. Seconds later, we find out she’s getting a 1-on-1 date.

Before her 1-on-1 date, Courtney gets some time with a camera to think on a balcony. Ben takes her to a Mayan temple. They make remarks about human sacrifice that, I’m pretty sure, are racist. There is a lot of stairs and a lot of talk about the importance of hometown dates.

Courtney tells Ben that she’s thinking about dumping him. He asks her not to dump him. Then, they make out. I’m sure there is more but the whole forced Courtney plot line is beyond irritating and not really worth recapping. Ben talks about his dead dad and how proud his dead dad would be that he’s dating a planted actress on a Reality TV show, along with 5 other women.

They make out some more on top of a 2,000-year old Mayan Ruin and the music provided by ABC can best be described as life-changing. It's the kind of music you would hear if an entire orchestra just found out that they had 3 minutes to live. That doesn't make sense to me either.

Later that night, Ben and Courtney eat on T.V. and there is an unbearable amount of talking about the importance of hometown dates. This show is just… it’s just such a pile of donkey stool. I hate it so much. I just looked back up and Ben is talking about his dead dad again and making out with his fake girlfriend.

To conclude the evening, Courtney turns her fingers into guns and shots them 12 times to pretend like she’s blowing away the other contestants.

Kacie B., Rachel and the girl whose name I can’t remember get the group date. Ben breaks into the girls room at 4 o’clock in the morning. It was super goofy and silly. I lol’d a ton. They show some armpit shaving.

Rachel lets us know, in case we forgot, how important it is to make it to the hometown dates episode. “Steaks are kind of high right now. This is, kind of, the most steaks we’ve had to this point.” I think you’re supposed to spell it ‘stakes’ but I also think that this girl was talking about ‘steaks’.

Ben takes them out on a boat to shark dive. Kacie B. and the other brunette girl scream in glee. Rachel is super afraid and not happy at all about having to jump into the ocean with sharks. What a baby.

Ben tells the girls that, if they’re attacked by a shark, you should punch it in the nose. I hope someone plans on suing this show sometime soon.

Rachel is afraid to jump in with the sharks, which is good because you can’t fall in love unless your think you’re about to die. Rachel overcomes her fear and equates swimming with sharks to love. I swear to all things holy that these stupid Bachelor girls would compare anything to falling in love. I so badly want Ben to take a girl to a manure factory to eat manure so I could hear about how eating manure is a lot like falling in love.

When they’re all done swimming with sharks, they sit down on a dock to drink and further develop connections. Ben pulls Rachel aside to make out. This is like the Bills comeback win over the Oilers. I would have never expected Rachel to be in the game. I thought for sure she would be going home with the other girl whose name I have not yet learned. Ben tells Rachel that her fear of sharks let him know how real his feelings for her are. I know that might not make sense to you, but it totally makes sense to me because I watch the Bachelor.

The girls whose name I have not yet learned just told Ben that she loves him. That’s swinging for the fences. She tells Ben, “I knew it was real in the beginning… but now, it’s really real.”
So, you should all know for sure now that it’s real.

Then, Ben pulls Kacie B. aside so she can tell him that she’s in love with him. She’s crying and whispering so ABC provides subtitles. Then, they make out. I did a search with my computer. I have typed, ‘and then they make out’ 48 times.

Ben gives the rose to Kacie B. even though she’s not wearing eye black.

Ben stands up and tells them, “I want to thank you girls for everything you talk about.”

After the rose is given out, the 3 girls group up to warn Ben about Courtney. It’s a courageous step and you can tell Ben is re-thinking whether or not to go to the home town of the paid actress. It’s not something to be taken lightly. It’s a big deal to go on a hometown date.

There’s not enough time for a drunken cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony so the girls sit on wicker furniture to give Courtney a chance to act like a witch and be demeaning. Ben’s other 5 girlfriends refrain from punching her in the teeth. Or, they did punch Courtney in the teeth and ABC chose not to show it.

Chris Harrison breaks up the fun to skip straight to the Rose Ceremony. They make Chris Harrison wear a suit on a pier in 104 degree heat. Rachel starts crying. Her crying makes Horse girl almost cry and then there’s more crying.

Harrison reiterates for the 4 millionth time how huge it is to take a man to meet your family. Ben shows up to dump two of them. First, he tells them how huge it is to meet someone’s family. Then, he pulls Courtney aside to address his concerns over what his other girlfriends have said about her because it’s a big deal to go to her hometown to meet her family.

When they come back, Ben gives Horse girl and the other one whose name I don’t know a rose. Chris Harrison steps out to announce to anyone who can’t count to three that there is one rose remaining. There is 40 seconds of complete silence and then Ben gives his final rose to Courtney. BOOM!

Emily and Rachel go home, even though they’ve overcome their fears of heights and sharks.

There is a ton of crying. Rachel plays it cool, not being afraid of sharks and all. Emily is a snot factory.

During the credits, to prove she is the devil incarnate, Courtney picks up a live, wild Tarantula. My wife does not handle this scene well. If she was holding a revolver, she would have shot out our TV screen.

An ABC.com Bachelor promo teaser asks the bold question, “Want more Bachelor drama…?” I ask you, America, how much drama can one human take? A single episode contains over 400% of your recommended daily allowance of drama. Who is heading to ABC.com for additional drama? How about a website that offers less drama?

Next week is super important. Ben goes to the hometown of the 4 remaining contestants. It's a good thing it's not the other way around because Ben has 8 hometowns. It would need to be a 6-hour episode.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Bachelor Recap- Super Bowl Eating Disorders

If there are farmers in America in need of water for their crops, they should send guys with buckets to the set of the Bachelor. There’s lots of crying tonight. The promos are calling for a 100% chance of stormy eyes and temperatures in the 1,000’s!

I know we all have fun with the levels of drama reached on America’s favorite dating game, but tonight’s Bachelor was 'off the charts' dramatic. On a scale of 1-to-10, I would rate it as a ‘10’, the highest possible score in the allotted, predetermined parameter.

Ben and his women travel to Panama City, Panama. (I would have guessed that Panama City was in Missouri, like Kansas City)There is no better place to fall in love than Panama, aside from all of the other better places to fall in love.

“I can’t get over how beautiful it is. It’s insane.” It’s not insane, Ben but it is quite beautiful. It’s also in Central America where I’m pretty sure everyone gets kidnapped. The location is mentioned several times in the first 2 minutes of the show, but no one says Panama. They all say, “Panama City, Panama”. No short cuts are taken on the Bachelor.

“I have nine women coming to meet me in Panama City, Panama and I feel excited about that.” Ben says. I couldn’t have said it better myself.

This week, there is one 1-on-1 date, a group date and a 2-on-1 date where someone gets dumped at dinner.

We begin with the 1-on-1. It goes to Kacie B. She is told to pack just 3 items needed for survival. Ben picks her up IN A HELICOPTER!!!!!! They are flown over Panama and to a deserted island. The music switches from happy helicopter music to God-fearing deserted island music. I get the chills. The helicopter leaves them for dead with only 4 cameramen, 3 light operators, a couple of sound guys, the food spread provided for the production team and the 3 items each lover packed. (Drama-meter=green)

Kacie B. brings out her 3 items; Monkey man (?), a wine opener and a bag of candy. Ben has a fishing net, matches and a machete. They hunt for coconuts while explaining the parallels of coconut hunting and relationships.

Kacie B. channels her inner Romance Novel author self, “Watching Ben crack into a coconut... it’s so hot.”

They take the net and go fishing. They catch a fish. The fish was not moving before they scoop it in the net and does not move at all while in the process of being scooped out of the ocean in into a net. I’m convinced they just scooped up a fish that some poor Bachelor intern had to pre-catch and kill and then place back into the ocean in front of them.

They cook the fish on a fire. It’s a good thing they got something in their stomachs because the 11 minutes they were stranded out in the middle of nowhere was almost enough time for them to starve to death.

Back in Panama City, Panama, Ben and Kacie B. sit down for a serious conversation and eat food that didn’t need to be caught after an intern caught and killed it. She drops a bomb on Ben. She confesses to having an eating disorder when she was in High School. (Drama-meter= yellow)

Her parents caught her throwing up her food at a Super Bowl party. They did not say which Super Bowl. She’s 26, so I’m guessing it was the Ravens/ Giants Super Bowl and who didn’t throw up watching that one?

They don’t show her touching her dinner, so I’m guessing that she still hasn’t buried those demons.

Anyway, Ben gives her a rose for recounting how she used to throw up and then they make out in the streets of Panama City, Panama.

The next day, Ben takes 6 girls for a boat ride in the rain forest.

A brunette whose name I can’t remember talks about how sexy Ben is because he rides a boat that ABC provided.

They wade out into a river and paddle by some kids playing soccer. The girls pretend like it’s some magical discovery of a Panama village and not a scripted Reality show plot line.

The natives bring the girls into huts to dress them into different clothes. Courtney, the paid actress takes off her top and shows her blacked out boobs for a half-hour.


Ben comes out in native garb. He’s wearing a loin cloth. Horse girl asks for a drum roll and gets no drum roll.

Then, a guy who doesn’t speak English gives everyone paint. Courtney paints Ben. All of the other girls get mad at her. Then, she plays soccer while her clothes fall off.

After some pointless Courtney babbling, the group puts their real clothes on to get drunk at a hotel. Their champagne glasses are all full. Horse girl pulls him aside 3 seconds into the party and her glass is almost empty. She seems really drunk.

Horse girl tells Ben that she cries for him. Ben likes horse girl. They make out.

Ben pulls Courtney aside, as instructed in his contract. He tells her to keep being naked and not to let the other girls harass her. Courtney gives Ben her hotel room so they can have sex later.

Nurse girl Jamie finally speaks. She’s way behind in the race and hasn’t even kissed Ben yet. She asks the other girls if Ben is a good kisser, because that’s the conversation a normal person would have with the other women that their boyfriend is dating. She pulls Ben aside to prove that she does like him. She tries to build up the nerve to force a kiss on him but Courtney shows up in a bathing suit and ruins it. I’m sorry if you don’t watch the show and this is confusing but I can’t make much more sense of all this. This is what happens on the Bachelor.

Emily makes America LOL with a funny prank and then makes out with Ben. Then, Emily openly apologizes to Courtney for their previous feud. It’s a classy move.

Because Courtney is paid to be evil, she dumps all over the apology.


Ben pulls horse girl aside to give her the date rose. Horse girl is safe, but it’s bittersweet because she’s not going to be able to do that pleading head-tilt thing at the Rose Ceremony. They call it a night.

Courtney goes up to her room with 3 cameramen and a boom mic guy to wait for Ben to come up and sleep with her. We get lots of footage of her sitting in a chair and looking at her watch. Ben never shows up. Courtney cries.

(drama-meter=dips back down to orange)

It’s already whatever day of the week the next day is and that means the super awkward 2-on-1 date.VIP cocktail waitress Blakely and Rachel have the 2-on-1 date where one of them will get dumped at dinner. Rachel is nervous. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely acts tough to intimidate Rachel and it works.

VIP cocktail waitress Blakely would be this season’s villain if ABC didn’t already pay one to be on the show.

Ben takes his two girlfriends Latin dancing. They head to a Latin Lounge. I’m assuming he already knew which girl he wanted to dump, but he tells the camera that it’s a close race.

A Latin Dance instructor tells them they have to change into Latin Salsa clothes.

Blakely says “Shut the front door!” That’s how you swear without swearing… in case you ever want to swear… but your parents are in the room.

The girls put on Salsa dresses. Ben puts on a Salsa shirt. I own a Salsa shirt. It was a regular shirt until I spilled Salsa on it.

There’s a lot of dancing. I zone out for a bit. No one has been dumped yet.

VIP cocktail waitress Blakely is a good dancer. I notice. I think my wife notices. Ben notices. Ben and VIP cocktail waitress have clothes-on ab rubbing right in front of Rachel and it’s no fun. No one has been dumped yet.

After a lot of awkward dancing, they sit down for an awkward dinner where one girl will get dumped before finishing her meal. Ben pulls Rachel aside to talk. Some police sirens flash on her face from outside while they’re talking. I’m assuming one of the other contestants has just been kidnapped. Rachel tells Ben that she’s serious about him and they make out.

Ben pulls VIP cocktail waitress Blakely aside next to talk. She immediately starts crying and tells Ben that she loves him. There’s a huge musical build up. It’s coming. The ‘L’ word is coming. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely pulls out a scrap book of their life together. It’s stalkery. My na├»ve computer doesn’t recognize ‘stalkery ‘ as a word. Grow up, computer! That’s a good way to get stalked!

VIP cocktail waitress Blakely tells Ben that she’s falling for him hard. They make out after she gives him the book. Then, Ben brings her back into the other room to dump her.

He does. He makes out with her, brings her into the other room, sits her down with Rachel and dumps her. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely storms out of the room and Ben chases her down to thank her for opening up to him right before he rips her heart out.

(drama-meter=orangish/red again)

ABC shows us a cat in the street. Then, Ben says goodbye. I’m glad I no longer have to type out VIP cocktail waitress Blakely.

Let the hoochies of America and Panama City, Panama be on notice… Ben likes the nice girls.

The next day, Chris Harrison shows up to drop bombs. He pulls Casey S. aside for a private talk. We’ve seen all night that Casey S. is about to cry a lot. It’s an amazing display of grief. Vegas money is on a death in the family. We find out that Casey S. is actually just in love with someone else.


She has a boyfriend named Michael. Chris Harrison talked to Michael and they’re still in a relationship. Harrison is trading in his roses for a Dateline reporter’s mic. He’s hitting hard with the Casey S. interrogation. Channel 2 redcoats can only nod approval.

Casey S. admits that she’s still in love with her boyfriend. She says that it’s just come to her attention last night… in Panama City, Panama. It’s just come to her attention that she loves her boyfriend.

(drama-meter=burning red!!!)

They wander through the building to find Ben to break the 'boyfriend' news. They stand in front of a camera to knock on the door. Ben answers the door, surprised. ABC then cuts to the camera in Ben’s room which was positioned to capture Ben’s reaction to being surprised by the 'boyfriend' news.

Casey S’s explanation of whether or not she’s still in love with her boyfriend is confusing and takes years off of my life. Ben yells at her. She apologizes and cries. She cries because her boyfriend doesn’t want to marry her and she wants to be with someone nice like Ben. Ben sends her home. There’s still a half-hour left in the show so there’s plenty of time for Casey S. to cry. There are oceans of snot on her face. \

Casey S. was sent home for coming onto the show while being in love. I think that’s unfair. I got married while I was still in love with Melissa Gilbert. My wife knows. We got over it.

Ben goes out on a balcony with a camera to be deep in thought. Casey S. cries in a minivan. It’s an important lesson. If you’re going to get dumped, get dumped at the cocktail party. You get to cry in a limo.

The cocktail party is next. Only one more girl goes home. The only ones without a rose are Courtney, Jaime the nurse, Emily and some other brunette whose name I can’t remember.

Nurse Jaime tells the camera that she wants to jump all over Ben to get noticed. Then, she pulls Ben aside and tells him she wants to do… stuff. Then, she jumps on him and it’s kind of…weird. Then she makes out… with him… but… she’s really nervous so she’s talking… a lot… and I wish they’d cut to more footage of Casey S. crying.

It’s the most demeaning thing I’ve ever seen. I hope very much that she doesn’t watch this episode back. I get heartburn watching this. They talk about kissing some more. Then they kiss… and she keeps talking. I need to be set on fire to distract myself from how awful this is. I wish wolves would bust into my house and attack me. It’s so bad. It makes the phone scene in ‘Swingers’ seem like a picnic. At least we know who is going home.

In nurse Jamie’s defense, she’s trying to act natural while kissing a guy, who is dating 7 other women, in front of camera broadcasting her personal life to millions of people. I’d think twice about a girl who wasn’t nervous doing that.

The anticlimactic Rose Ceremony is next. Ben gives a speech on trust. I’m not listening. I’m thinking about nurse girl Jamie and her talking/kissing session. I need a 211 degree shower to bathe myself of the humiliation she just experienced. It seeped through the television and into my pores.

So, Ben sends Jamie home and it’s good because I’d rather watch Super Bowl 27 than that scene of her talking.

Jamie heads to the limo to cry. I honestly feel bad.

Ben drinks alcohol with the rest of the girls and announces that they’re heading to the North Pole next week. They all scream with excitement.

During the credits, Emily raps to dinner Jazz beats.

You know what’s worse than white girls rapping?


Nothing is worse than white girls rapping.