Wednesday, November 16, 2011

On My Own For Dinner

I don't think my wife heard me drop the phone and do a back flip while fist-pumping when she told me I was on my own for dinner this Monday.

Little does she know, I'd rather be 'on my own' for dinner than 'on a plane' to Vegas. I love being on my own for dinner.

Being on my own for dinner means that I don't have to eat Kale or Water Chestnuts.

On the rare occasion that my wife gets home from work 2 hours later than me, I hold a comprehensive orgy of animal fat and alcohol. Remember how the Titanic broke in half while sinking and water poured into the vessel, dragging it into the bottom of the ocean? That's what I do with food when my wife gets home late.

I start with Nutty Bars purchased in the office vending machine. Then, I get Mighty Pack on my way home. I usually eat the first taco out of the Drive-Thru girl's hand as she is passing it into my car. Then I drive 4 miles without ever once looking out the windshield. I'm busy scooping soft shelled tacos from the passenger seat into my throat. Shredded lettuce covers the driver's seat like Ticker-Tape in the street on New Year's Eve.

As soon as I get home I drink a beer. I spend 35 minutes in the front window, drinking beer and hoping that she doesn't pull into the driveway. Drinking beer quickly usually makes me hungry, so I find my stash of Chip-A-Hoys in the garage and go to town.

I hide food.

I have to hide food because, if I don't hide food, the tastiest thing in my house I would get to eat would be 98% lean hamburger. I dip Chip-A-Hoys in milk and quickly eat them while looking out the window, like a squirrel.

By the way, drinking milk shortly after drinking beer sucks. It's not ideal, but that's the process. Please don't question the process. In fact, no more questions at all. You're making me lose my train of thought.

I love Chip-A-Hoys and will never stop eating Chip-A-Hoys no matter how much my wife tries to turn me into a waif of air that only consumes pollen.

If Jessica Alba came to my front door and told me that her body temperature was dropping and she needed me to put down my Chip-A-Hoy and hug her naked body with my naked body to keep her alive, I would. I don't like Chip-A-Hoy's that much. I'm not going to let Jessica Alba die because I'm eating a cookie. Please be clear though, I really enjoy eating Chip-A-Hoys.

When I'm done with the Mighty Taco, the beer, the Chip-A-Hoys and the milk, I find stray deer in the woods and run them down. Once I've captured a deer, I smother it in Tequila, Bar-B-Que and Magic Shell Chocolate and then I deep fry it and consume it whole.

Then I drink some Peppermint Tea because it's really good for soothing your stomach.

There are so many commas in this blog.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Applebees Will Test Your Marriage

We ate out at Applebees the other night and my wife woke up at 3 o’clock in the morning to throw up Applebees into our toilet. So, I dutifully rushed to her side to hold her hair back as she was passing her insides through her esophagus.

This will really test your relationship because, as she was throwing up, my wife farted on me. The smell could best be described as 'deadly'.

The smell actually wove its way into the fibers of my shirt, like syrup into the divots of a waffle, and I had to go to our other bathroom to throw up. I had to throw the shirt away because Tide has yet to develop a product that would power out that noxious emanation.

They don’t show you the video clip of this happening in those “Every kiss begins with Kay” commercials.

Those commercials always feature two attractive people sitting by a fire, not blasting fire from their ass onto their spouse while emptying their organs into a toilet. I’ll bet they’d sell less diamonds if they showed you what really happens with true love.

Every kiss might begin with Kay, but it ends with your wife's ass turning into a Roman Candle as she shits her pants while making a noise that sounds like someone dragging a cat across a chain link fence.

And Applebees left this out of their advertising as well. I think their slogan should be “Make your wife so sick that she poisons your lungs and makes your shirt unusable with air.”

Instead, they went with “Eating Good in the neighborhood". There should be a disclaimer.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Extinction of Bit-O-Honey

When I was 8-years old, I attended my first hockey game at Memorial Auditorium in Buffalo. The Sabres beat Quebec 9-to-5. My brother Jim brought a bag of Bit-O-Honey candy as a snack. This marks the last time I have eaten a Bit-O-Honey candy.

They still sell Bit-O-Honey candy, so people must be eating it, but I fear that most of these people will soon be dead; not because Bit-O-Honey is poisonous but because the people who buy and eat Bit-O-Honey's are usually upwards of 90.

The market for Bit-O-Honey has to be shrinking. We may be approaching the extinction of the Bit-O-Honey.

I guess that could change. Maybe some teenage dreamboat will get caught munching Bit-O-Honey in his tour camper and all of the kids will suddenly crave lightly-sweetened chunks of glue. Isn't that how these things work?

I was on the Bit-O-Honey wikipedia page earlier. It took awhile to load because so many people across the globe were also visiting that same page. Apparently, Bit-O-Honey was originally a giant bar of toffee, not intended to be sold in bite-sized pieces. The regression is obvious. There's nowhere else to go for the Bit-O-Honey franchise.

Bit-O-Honey is a terrible name. Who names a product after it's 8th most abundant ingredient? They didn't name 'Count Chocula', 'Count Salt-ula'!
On the back of a bag of Bit-O-Honey, 'Honey' is listed, ahead of 'Salt' and 'Dried Egg Whites'. I'm guessing 'Bit-O-Dried Egg Whites' wouldn't have sold as well.

While on the wikipedia page for Count Chocula, I found this gem:

"Franken Berry was very popular when first introduced possibly because the initial batches of the cereal used a dye that didn't break down in the body, causing many children's feces to be bright pink, a symptom sometimes referred to as "Frankenberry Stool."

If you need me, I'll be at the store buying Frankenberry. I'm told they still sell it at the Walmart on Transit.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Bachelor Pad Recap- Longest 3 Hours of my Life

I’d compare surviving a season of Bachelor Pad to making it through this year's 162-game Astros season, but it doesn’t fit. The Astros suck but, at least they don’t get drunk and have sex with each other. And, if a crappy Major League Baseball season was anything like the Bachelor Pad, Chris Harrison would trot out into the middle of a unwatchable 7-1 loss to the Braves and tell everyone that, “the rules have changed.” Then, a bunch of Astros would grow fake breasts and start crying.

Are you still not following me? Good! Stop reading this. Go teach someone to read or harvest tomatoes. Please turn off your computer and do something worthwhile. Don’t contribute to the ruination of our society.

4 couples remain on the Bachelor Pad. There will be a competition where one couple will gain entry into the finale for a chance to win $250,000. ABC flies them to Vegas. The group gets one night to choreograph a dance/ acrobat routine, Cirque de’ Soule-style. The top routine wins. The routines are carried out on a giant vertical wall while the couples are attached to grappling harnesses.

Casey and Vienna are arguing because it’s in their nature to do so. Casey wants to incorporate a heart into their routine. Vienna thinks the idea is stupid. This will be the first and last time I agree with her on anything.

The wall is very high and everyone is afraid of heights. Graham is “literally bleeping down his leg”.

3 judges are brought in to determine the winner. ABC digs deep to find 3 people worthy of this tremendous responsibility; Ali, Jason Mesnick and Trista, the only 3 people they ever bring on to do anything with this abyss.

Graham and Michele Money are first. I don’t understand any of it. It’s confusing.

Kirk/Kurt and Ella are next. I’m still confused. The music being played for these terrible routines is the kind of music you’d hear tracked over movie footage of young men dying in war.

Casey Cuddles and Vienna kicked butt, I think. Casey scream-mumbled a lot. The judges seemed impressed. My Twitter feed is telling me that Tom Brady is perfect so far and I’m basically missing the best Monday Night Football game ever. Now, my wife wants to know why I’m crying.

Michael and Holly are next. They also performed whatever stupid thing this is called to a high degree. It’s a good time to point out that several emails and phone calls have informed me that Holly is currently engaged to Blake the Dentist. I gotta tell ya
… that hurt… because….I really thought Mike and Holly had a chance at love.

The judges tell Holly and Mike that they won the competition. They get roses and head to the next 2 hours of television.
Kurt/Kirk and Ella had the worst performance. They’re sent home.
Trista points out how hard it is to judge because they’re not “Quote-unquote judges”.

Ella begins bawling because it had been 7 minutes since she last cried. I start crying again because something totally got in my eye. This competition was tough. They were definitely on the chopping block.

ABC gives us 11 more minutes of Ella crying to the camera in the limo. They don’t even let her change out of her fluorescent yellow Cirque de’ Soule jump suit. She looks like David Lee Roth.

The 6 people remaining head back to the Bachelor Pad limo. By winning the competition, Michael and Holly get to choose the couple that joins them in the finale.

They talk with Casey Cuddles and Vienna first. I don’t really understand Casey because he mumbles as well as he cuddles. The trash-couple tell them that they deserve it more. Then, they fight a bunch. It takes forever. I hope ABC broadcasts their wedding so I get to see two people have a fist fight on a Church alter right after making out in front of it.

Michael and Holly tell Graham and Michele Money that they’re thinking about going with the trash crew because they’d have the best chance at winning. Graham is super mad. He storms off punching the air because he felt like he was close friends with Michael and Michael should choose friendship over money in a competition for money. I know, I know. I don’t get anything these people say either.

I’d like a moment to point out how hideously ugly Vienna is, just in case she doesn’t make it to the finale and I don’t get the chance to ever do that again. Vienna is the Henri Richard of being ugly. He has 11 Ugly cup rings. As you can tell, this season has been so long, I’ve completely run out of ideas.

Michael and Holly give a long speech about loyalty and then choose Graham and Michele Money to join them in the finale. It’s like the ending of the movie ‘The Jumper’, I think. Who made it all the way through the movie ‘The Jumper’. That movie was awful.

In the limo, Vienna cries and blames Casey Cuddles for everything. She says that “her perfect Rose record is broken”. At least she still leads the league in looking like Calibos from ‘Clash of the Titans’. (google it!)

We’ve made it through an awful hour and still have two pointless hours to go. Chris Harrison corrals the group into a studio in front of an audience for the finale. Harrison says that, “it’s been an amazing season to say the least”. He keeps a straight face the entire time.

All of the contestants from the season are brought back to annoy me.

Bean Bag Face and Jackie explain why they’re broken up, despite the dramatic exit from the Bachelor Pad. Apparently, Bean Bag Face dumped her and didn’t really tell her why. Jackie cries and says that she didn’t get out of bed for a week after getting dumped. Bean just looks down at his shoes. It’s super comfortable. The studio audience is stunned. I’m surprised they didn’t start leaving like Chief fans.

Jake says that he didn’t mind not winning because he just wanted to make up with the very ugly Vienna. Vienna admits to accepting his Olive branch. They’re all super happy and nice to each other. I can’t stand it. This isn’t a finale. It’s a chance to interview all of the old contestants. It’s a farce. I’m being held hostage.

For those of you who don’t watch the show and rely on my recaps to follow the Bachelor Pad, you need to realize how meaningless this entire 3-hour-finale is. Nothing happens. For this entire season, nothing has happened. This show is just crying, screaming, sex and silicone. I hate this show so much. I spend a lot of time thinking of creative metaphors for torture, but I sincerely mean it when I say that I would rather have taken the claw end of a hammer to the crotch than watch these 6 episodes. This show is poison. It’s filth. We’re burning the Earth and salting the soil for our future generations. There can be no hope for a future if 20 million people watch this show. There is no hope. No hope.

Anyway, back to the recap, Vienna and Jake are still crying and arguing about their past relationship. The studio audience has recovered from the Jackie/Bean Bag news to act shocked about their struggles.

Jake takes Casey Cuddles to task for saying that he wanted to “Punch Jake for America”. Casey Cuddles apologizes and they hug. I just…. I really can’t believe I just typed that, but it happened.

Casey Cuddles is brought up to hot seat next. To this point, not a single second has been dedicated to the finale, the very reason ABC slotted 3 hours of television to the Bachelor Pad tonight.

They play back moments from the season because that’s all they do. Casey Cuddles figures out that everyone hates him and he’s awful. He cries in the hot seat. This has turned into couple counseling for Mr. and Mrs. Mumbles.

Still no finale to report on. We’re just reliving the awful past.

Blake is next on the hot seat. I have mentally checked out at this point. I’m just floating over my body, watching myself type garbage. Harrison rolls out the crazy Melissa/ Blake footage. I cringe again watching how crazy Melissa is. Think Glen Close in ‘Fatal Attraction’.

Blake admits that he used Melissa to win a quarter of a million dollars. I wonder out loud what the score of the Dolphins/ Patriots game might be. My wife tells me to shut up because Melissa is making a point about prostitutes.

When Melissa is done yelling, Blake tells America that he’s in love with Holly. Holly is back stage getting ready to try to win a bunch of money with another man. Blake announces that he and Holly are moving in together… and… they have Michael’s blessing…. Even though… it really hurt him to give it…. Because he loves Holly too.


(by the way, this show is so boring, my wife fell asleep and I woke her up when I was pounding out those exclamation points on my laptop!!!!!)

Finally, Chris Harrison brings out the 4 remaining Bachelor Pad contestants. Harrison announces the Blake / Holly engagement. Michael didn’t know about it. These snakes told this broken hearted man on live television. He’s super crushed and asks them to go to commercial break. They do not. Michael is forced to do that whisper crying thing to America. I didn’t think there were new lows. He recovers and congratulates them. They stop short of running over his legs with a truck.

Graham and Michele Money announce that they’re a couple, as well as Bachelor Pad finalists. Graham is rocking a bow tie. Michele announces her father’s passing and how it brought them together. ABC takes this tender moment and follows it up with a 7-minute promo for one of their horrible fall shows.

The final game begins. The past contestants ask them questions and then vote for who they think should win.

Holly and Michael won the vote. I was assuming this was the end, but Harrison tells us it’s not over. I’ve written 1,764 words and there is still a half-hour left.

Michael and Holly are sequestered. They must choose to either keep or share the prize money. If they both pick ‘share’, they share it. If they both pick keep, the other contestants get the money. If one picks ‘keep’ and one picks ‘share’, the one who picked ‘keep’ gets to keep the money to themselves.

In the end, they both pick ‘share’ and share the money. I gasp.

ABC then spends the finale 11 minutes telling us that Josh Groban is the next Bachelor, even though I already told you that weeks ago.

I hate this show. Luckily, it goes away for 4 months.

I would implore any children watching this to become doctors so they don’t the time to watch horrible Reality Television.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Bachelor Pad- I Hate This Show

Forget everything you know about Power Couples, which is nothing. This game has changed.

Ten plastic beings remain on the Bachelor Pad and ABC has broken down the contest into couples. I know what you’re thinking, “Greg, they can’t do that becau…” SHUT UP! They can do that. They did do that. It’s done.

Before that’s done, they show the aftermath of last week’s Rose Ceremony. Everyone looks exhausted from a long day of backstabbing and being fake. Princess Erica kicks things off with a Hall of Fame quote, “I think everyone just needs to, like, have a good night’s sleep so we can all do our best in the competition because that’s why we’re here.” She makes it sound like they’re Olympic sprinters.

This week’s fun starts with a smutty version of the Newlywed game. It’s taxing, because it makes them all talk about something other than themselves. All remaining contestants must find a partner of the opposite sex and learn as much about each other as possible. The producers find some music that’s really close to every 70’s game show, but not quite.

It’s called the ‘Nearlywed’ game. Do you get the joke? Can you understand the joke there?

Here is the breakdown of the couples remaining. For your reading pleasure, I will power rank them:

1. Casey Mumbles/ Vienna- The most powerful power couple ever. Be afraid, people. They’re my favorite to win because good things happen to despicable people.

2. Graham/ Michele Money- Thrown together by this crazy game. Will they find love? I’m not sure, but they’ll probably have sex under the watchful eye of a night-vision camera.

3. Kirk/Kurt/Ella- Platonical couple interested in winning the money because of mold infestation and debt.

4. Michael/ Holly- Used to be engaged. Michael still loves Holly but
she’s in love with someone else… and that really hurts.

5. Blake/ Erica- A dentist paired with a Velociraptor that gets fat blown into her lips once a week. Blake is on the chopping block. You must use the term ‘chopping block’ because that’s the only term these people know.

The winners get roses, making them safe from elimination and earning them a special date where they will be able to have sex. It’s a big prize so they all head off to different parts of the mansion to study. Kurk and Ella sit in front of a fire to talk. Isn’t it always 75 degrees in Hollywood? Why are there fires? They all wear sweaters and pants too. I’m sweating just thinking about it. That’s why I never became a Hollywood superstar.

The contest is a pointless endeavor to get Michael mad at Blake for openly declaring how bad he wants to steal Holly away from him. It works.

Casey Mumbles knows nothing about Vienna. It’s possible he does, but everyone misinterprets his answers because he has a gym sock stuffed into his throat. Vienna is mad at Casey Mumbles for the entire 2 hours.

Graham and Michele Money rig the contest by answering the same thing for every question. It’s actually brilliant. I can’t believe two people on this show could be so smart.

Blake and Erica come in second place and earn a 1-on-1 date for themselves.

Graham and Money GET A HELICOPTER RIDE FOR THEIR DATE. I wonder if ABC just went out and bought a helicopter at this point for their Bachelor franchise. It would be cheaper than constantly renting. ABC sends them to downtown LA to see the premiere of a movie and there is no doubt that plenty of clips will be provided.

Back at the Mansion, Casey Mumbles and Vienna are fighting. Casey Mumbles ripped the engagement ring off of her finger because she wouldn’t have sex with him. I’m not making that up. Casey tries to smooth things over by mumbling sweet nothings into her ear. At this point, he just wants to cuddle. ABC provides subtitles. I froze my screen to capture this gem.

Jumping back to the Graham/ Money date, they put on bikinis and watch a movie from a pool. ABC got a truckload of cash to show us 15 minutes of the movie while Michele Money relates the plot to her life. I cry a little.

Then, Graham and Michele make out, completely ignoring the movie. Michele wasn’t too worried about her daughter seeing her kiss last night. She was climbing on Graham like a Sherpa on Mt. Everest.

Blake and Erica have their date in a church. Erica announces, several times, that she is going to force Blake to have sex with her. She doesn’t speak in code or innuendo, she says, “I really want to have sex with Blake”.

They’re given roses to save one other couple. They can’t use the roses for themselves. Blake tries to talk strategy while Erica rubs on his leg for 20 minutes. She doesn’t so much beg Blake to sleep with her, as much as threaten.

Could you imagine being Erica’s Dad watching this show with his buddies from work? “Hey, Pete. Your daughter… she’s kind of the biggest slut I’ve ever seen… no offense.”

I know that there is a primal code written into my DNA that requires me to be attracted to a blonde with big boobs, but that woman is the opposite of attractive. Every time she speaks, I want to break a pool cue in half and jam a splintered end into my ear canal, severing all of the essential tissue that gives me the ability to hear. I vote to never hear sound again rather than hear Erica speak 6 meaningless sentences on a ridiculous Reality television show.

Erica mentions that she sees an astrologist who told her that she was going to win Bachelor Pad. I don’t know a ton about Astrology, but I do believe the winning results of Reality TV shows are written in the stars. I remember telling my friends that a cluster of stars looked a lot like Warren Sapp dancing and that Warren Sapp was going to win Dancing with the Stars. My friends didn’t listen. They’re stupid.

Erica then continues to try to rape Blake. Blake tries to talk her out of her advances and says that, if he sleeps with another girl, he’d be “The most flip-floppingest, wafflingest person ever”. My stupid 2009 computer doesn’t recognize ‘flip-floppingest’ or ‘wafflingest’.

Back at the house, Holly cries a lot because she likes Blake but doesn’t want to hurt Michael’s feelings.

Blake leaves the church rather than have sex with Erica. It’s a stunning upset.

The next day, Blake and Erica try to leverage their power to save another couple into being saved. They give the roses to the ultimate power couple, Casey Mumbles and Vienna, who promise to save them.

Ella cries a lot and I don’t have the strength to recap any part of that.

Casey and Vienna do not try to save them. Blake and Erica are voted off. After they are voted off, Vienna says, “Well, we tried” and Casey mumbles, “No we didn’t”.

Erica is stunned to be voted off. She says, “Tonight was a great injustice.” I agree with Erica. Tonight was a great injustice. She just articulates everything so perfectly.

Holly passes Blake a note on the way out. It’s a dot-dot-dot on their relationship together. If you understand that reference, you watch too much television.

Next week is the merciful season finale.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Bachelor Pad Recap- The Power Couples Will Destroy Us All

My favorite part of Bachelor Pad is the recap from the week before. Casey Mumbles saying, “Jake’s a snake” is the height of comedy. I rewound it 40 times. Last week, Jake went home, even though my recap may have read otherwise. (It was 1:30 in the morning! It’s a confusing show!)

They showed Jake’s goodbye speech. It was quite touching, a diatribe about taking out the power couples. I’ll bet Jake’s speech is exactly what Bill Murray whispers into Scarlett Johansen’s ear at the end of ‘Lost in Translation’.

I totally hear Jake and vow to myself to seek out any power couples in my neighborhood and squash them. If you are a member of a power couple, get ready to get thrown out of your mansion, America.

Now, without Jake, the show is so much less classy. No one seems like they’re constantly about to punch girls. The good thing is that there is more quality time for me to hate everyone else.

We begin this week’s adventure with the bomb-drop announcement that there will be a kissing contest; the 2nd annual kissing contest. It’s only 2nd annual because they’re not counting my last 12 family reunions.
Many of the contestants are put off by the idea of a kissing contest and immediately bow out. Michele Money didn’t want to set a bad example for her kid at home. I remember how reserved she was having sex with a man in a swimming pool a few ‘Bachelor’ seasons ago.

Blake was the only guy who went all out with the smooching. He didn’t kiss Vienna because she’s a dude and would lose a beauty pageant to an earthworm.

The girls went buckwild with the smooch time. Erica, the horrible plastic piece of collagen, cleaned some fillings. She’s a triple threat of ugly; her face, her personality and her voice. It sounds like she has whooping cough.
None of the girls wanted to kiss Casey Mumbles because he had bad breath. Perhaps that’s why he doesn’t open his mouth when he talks.

Ella and Blake won the contest because they were actually trying. They get 1-on-1 dates and a freedom rose. Ella described one of her kisses as “a baby-making kiss”. Once again, the public school systems have failed us. She also remarked that her son would be so proud. If my mom won a rose for frenching herpes-ridden men on National Television, I know my heart would swell with pride.

Ella takes Kirk/Kurt for pizza and S’mores. Did you know that my computer doesn’t recognize any spelling for the word ‘S’mores’? So, if it’s spelled wrong, take it up with the government. Kirk/Kurt told the story about how he almost died from mold exposure. Ella talked about how her Mom was shot to death right in front of her and her sister by their Step Dad. It was some real ‘Laugh out Loud’ television.

Ella and Kirt/Kurk jump on a hot-air balloon. You could see a lot of her boobs. They made out in the balloon and I cried because my Mom was pushed out of a hot-air balloon in front of me and my sister by my Step Dad.

Back at the house, Crazy Melissa and Blake re-kindled their flame for the 8th time this season. They made a pact that he’d take her on his date and guarantee both of their immunity for the week. Then, disgusting princess girl Erica pulls Blake aside to give him a dirty massage. She tries to convince Blake to take her on the date. She offers to have sex with him, basically. I wish Erica had a child so that they could be proud too.

Blake announces that he’s taking Holly on the date. Crazy Melissa starts to sharpen her toothbrush into a shiv. Holly’s former break-dancing fiancĂ©, Michael, is also now angry at Blake for trying to move in on his woman.

I will admit that this stupid move by this stupid boy makes this show incredibly interesting; much like a lump of dog poo would be interesting if worms were crawling through it. Sure, it’s disgusting, but it’s much more interesting than plain dog poo with no parasitic worms.

Editor’s note: Before you get mad at Greg, we all were pushing for him to get more ‘dog poo’ content in his recaps. It’s really a mandate from Corporate. They’ve handed down a mandatory 8% ‘dog poo’ content prerequisite.

There is a solid 14 minute segment of Melissa being a psycho because she’s lost her dentist boyfriend. I didn’t hear most of it. The other part of it was bleeped out.

I tune back in mentally when Blake makes Melissa wait outside of the bathroom as he finishes brushing his teeth. It’s just 45 seconds of Melissa’s tortured face accompanied by the sound of an electric toothbrush. Well done, Bachelor Pad producers.

Michael is wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I Heart Water’.

Blake and Holly head out on their date. They take A PRIVATE BLEEPING JET to a ski lodge. Holly is super terrified because she can’t ski. I scream out, “Don’t worry girl!” from my couch but I forgot the show is taped so she can’t hear me.

There’s lots of footage of her falling and laughing. Just so you can understand that there is a lot of footage of her falling and laughing, I needed to point that out again. You need to know that she falls a lot and laughs a lot. There’s just so much falling and laughing.

Holly talks about how perfect the date is. That’s good information for Blake in the future. If he wants to hit a home run on a future date, just tickle her and throw her down the Alps.

Bachelor Pad takes a break from the hilarious ski date to show Michael back at the Mansion, longing for his ex-fiance’ Holly. The music provided for this footage is touching. I think Michael hearts Holly almost as much as he hearts water. ABC manages to get him in front of the fireplace with his shirt off.

Back at the ski lodge, Holly stops laughing long enough to accept a rose from Blake. They spend the night at the lodge to talk and make out and fall and laugh. If they’re not careful, they’ll become a power couple. It’s like they didn’t even listen to Jake’s speech about power couples.

When Blake and Holly get home, Michael runs to pull Holly aside to tell her he loves her. He does that crying whisper talk thing he’s gotten so good at. The last word of every sentence is just a breath. I talked like that from the age of 8-to-12. I need a font to let my readers know which words I’m thinking and which words I’m whispering…. Because… I want you guys to know… that… I really care about you.

Holly admits she kissed Blake. Michael cries and whispers. I head down to the fridge to get a snack. I mean, I tell my wife that I was getting a snack but… I was really just standing behind the refrigerator door… crying.

The rose Ceremony is next. One girl and one guy are going home.

Casey mentions a guy name ‘Bill’ and I ask my wife, “Who is Bill?” We discuss it for a moment and then remember that there’s a guy named William on the show. He hasn’t said a word for 4 episodes.

Michael and Holly ignore everyone to have their own special, secret date. Michael wants to rekindle their love and form a couple. Hopefully, it won't be a power couple. As I write this, I realize that my Mom and Dad have been married for 50 years. They are a mega-power couple. I need to break up my parents before they destroy everything.

During the commercial break, there is a live reveal for the cast of the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Do you know how you act when a bug lands on your shirt? That’s how fast I swatted away that 3 minutes of hell. The Bachelor Pad is bad. Nothing will ever be worse than Dancing with the Stars.

The final verdict is in and Crazy Melissa goes home. Casey Mumbles has the line of the night after lying to Melissa about his vote, “I told Melissa that I voted for Erica because I seriously thought she was going to cut my bleeps off.”

The women send William home. They must have grown sick of his never saying anything ever.

Melissa takes the news well. She jams newspaper into the gas tank of the ABC limo and sets it on fire. The revolver she shoots into the air eventually runs out of bullets, so she grabs a boom mic from one of the crew members and beats him to death. The cast is obviously stunned by this. Michael becomes very emotional. He takes his rose… and places it on the body of the dead boom mic operator…
because he was just doing his job… and he didn’t deserve this… and I’ll miss him.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Bachelor Pad Recap- Expanding my Capacity for Hate

I would like to take a brief moment to thank ABC for eliminating co-host Melissa Raycroft from the show. In adding nothing, Melissa always managed to annoy me. I also found it absurd that anyone would think hosting the Bachelor Pad by himself was something that Chris Harrison couldn’t do.

There is a ton of drama this week on the Bachelor Pad.

Kirk/Kurt says it best, “The power couples are struggling!”

Did you know that America? Could you sense the struggling of the power couples?

Casey Mumbles and the dude Vienna are losing their control over the house. They’re hell-bent on getting Jake sent home. Jake, the pilot, continues to not fly planes.

Melisa is out of her mind and is screaming to anyone who will listen about Blake and his cheating ways. Blake, who admittedly doesn’t like Melisa, knows that his time on the Bachelor Pad is limited.

The immunity competition is a new low in the ABC catalog of crap. The group is required to learn and perform a synchronized swimming routine. A panel of judges was brought in to pick out the best boy and girl.

Viewers are treated to a 20 minute sequence of synchronized swim training. The guys all have their shirts off. The girls do not. I’m fading fast.

When practice is over, the bullets go into the gun. The panel of judges is announced. One is an Olympic judge or something. The other two are Dave and Natalie, the winners of last season’s Bachelor Pad. They are terrible people.

At one point during the competition, the horrid princess woman points out how big parts of Jake are and ABC provides us with a zoom in of that portion of Jake.

The women are terrible at synchronized swimming. The men are not. Michael gets the rose for the men. He’s a professional Break-dancer, so it’s not fair. Michelle Money got the rose for the women. She’s a professional slut. The winners get to choose three people to take on a pointless date.

Before the dates, the horrid princess woman jumps in a bed with Jake and they partner up. If these two ever mated, their children would come into the world holding straight razors and frothing at the mouth.

Then, Casey Mumbles and Vienna argue but I can’t understand what they’re saying. It’s so hard to constantly describe how much I hate these people. I feel like I use one paragraph to explain how putrid this horrid princess woman is, and then I’m onto the next paragraph explaining how bad Vienna is. It’s like a tennis match of hate.

Michelle takes 3 guys on her date. She chooses Graham, Casey Mumbles and Blake. They head to a vineyard.

First, there is a ton of pointless talking. If I tried to describe it to you, you would close this window and move on to a more interesting website. After the talking, Michelle makes out with Graham. ABC picks the perfect music for their make out session. It’s like Kenny G got really horny and high and someone was lucky enough to record it. Michelle gives Graham the rose because she likes the taste of his tongue. I think that, if Michelle Money actually had a heart, it would belong to Graham.

Michael gets three girls for his date. He takes Vienna, Ella and Holly. Holly doesn’t want anything to do with Michael, even though he’s a cute break dancer. Michael is infatuated with Holly and will cry a lot for the next half hour.

The young lovers go horse-back riding. Holly says, “I personally love horses”. How else would you love them, professionally?

Michael and Holly spend time alone so she can make him cry. He does cry, America. There is a ton of soft piano played under his crying. He cries and talks about how lonely he feels sleeping alone. Then he does that crying whisper talk while telling Holly that she’s beautiful. Then they hug and he cries more. Then, Brett Michaels from Poison sits 6-feet in front of them and plays ‘Every Rose has its Thorn’ on his guitar and he cries. I’m not kidding about the Brett Michaels thing, by the way.

Brett Michaels talks to Michael and Holly about souls and relationships. I look around the room to make sure I’m not in hell.

Why does ABC think it’s such a good idea to have musical artists play in front of two people? It’s so incredibly uncomfortable. I would rather ride a bike with no seat down a mountain.

Back at the house, Melissa is hating Blake and he decides to pretend to like her again so he isn’t sent home. Melissa talks, but she is so far out of her mind that ABC has to put up subtitles. They agree to rub against each other again.

Blake and Jake (which totally rhymes) team up because they know they’re both on the chopping block. Jake is not really on the chopping block because the Produces wouldn’t let him get sent home if he murdered 8 people on camera.

Jake makes out with the horrid princess woman while her voiceover tells the audience how often she gets Botox injections. For a brief moment, she’s worse than Vienna.

Speaking of Vienna, Casey Mumbles gives her a promise ring for their 6-month anniversary and then sings to her. You need to hear Casey Mumbles sing. There is nothing funnier. Every Monty Python, Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielson movie combined is a zero on the comedic scale compared to Casey Mumbles singing.

For the 15 minutes after Casey sings, there’s a bunch of yelling and screaming. I hate everything on the show that isn’t Casey singing.

At the Rose Ceremony, Melissa cries and threatens to leave. She’s 6 kinds of crazy. Jake convinces her to stay so they can form an alliance.

Chris Harrison walks in to inform the group that all of the ladies are safe and that one man will be going home. They send Casey home. ABC treats the moment like the Sopranos finale.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Greg edits his own recaps. He wrote this at 1 a.m. and failed to comprehend that, by saying Casey's name, Chris Harrison actually sent Jake home. So Jake is eliminated, not Casey Mumbles. Thanks to Kelsey for pointing this out to me. I'm an idiot. None of this matters, but I should also at least get the correct name of the person sent home for anyone who reads down this far.

I’m not sure what you guys get out of these recaps but, I can’t be delivering. This is some awful television. Thank you for reading this, but I would completely understand if you not only stop reading but also sent a letter to Entercom, asking that I be fired.

It should be pointed out how disgusting Vienna looked throughout this entire episode.

Update on Bean Bag Face and Jackie: Lindsay from promotions (who would be so much better at writing these recaps than me) has informed me that Bean Bag Face and Jackie are no longer together. Lindsay suspects that the whole scene of Bean running after Jackie’s limo to be with her forever was a ploy by ABC to make Bean more attractive to viewers as the next Bachelor. I would love it if Bean Bag Face was the next Bachelor. Any season crawling with Magnolia trees is a good season.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Bachelor Pad Recap- Bean Bag Face Finds Love!

ABC takes their foot off of the gas a bit to give us all a break. Bachelor Pad is only 2 hours this week.

Casey Mumbles wants to punch Jake for America. Since he can’t punch him, he’s going to punch Jake mentally.
Jake takes a lot of time to explain that he’s not a jerk. (He’s been doing that for years.)

There’s a lot going on here, people. Try to keep up.
We start off the week with a challenge; ‘Target on your Back’.
Half the group wears blindfolds while the other half throws eggs at them. This show tears down all boundaries.

Everyone wants to win because, if they don’t, they’re on the chopping block. I forgot how much the phrase ‘chopping block’ was used. I’ll bet butchers hate Bachelor Pad.
Casey is wearing a T-shirt this week with ‘Jenious’ written on it.
Chris Harrison directs where the paint-filled eggs will be thrown by asking random dumb questions like, “Who do you think is the least attractive?” and “Who do you want to leave?” No one throws eggs at Chris Harrison. It doesn’t really matter who you hit with the egg, as long as you hit someone. The game is as stupid as Casey Mumbles. Mellisa wins and has immunity.

Princess woman is hideous.

When it’s the guys turn to throw, everyone threw eggs at her. This show is stupid, but it was fun to watch this hideous woman get pegged with eggs for 15 minutes. She just stood there, blindfolded, feeling exactly how she’s made everyone she’s ever met feel her entire life. She’s even being awful to people while explaining how terrible she felt while being singled out for being awful.

(Editor’s Note: Greg doesn’t know any other words aside from ‘awful’ and ‘terrible’ but, to be fair, these are the only two words you really need to describe these people.)

Michael, the break dancer guy, won the immunity rose for the men. He and Melissa bring a bunch of people on a date and I feel stupider for each word of this recap I type.

For the group date, ABC sends our diseased friends to a haunted house. Michael says it best, “It’s the scariest date in Bachelor history”. Michael, Hideous Princess, Michelle Money and Holly are heading to spookyville. Remember readers, MICHAEL AND HOLLY USED TO BE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED!!!!!111!!!1ELEVENTY

I should note that it’s very hard for Michelle Money to be in a room full of people and not be the most awful person, but this is the case when the ugly princess is around.
“Abandoned asylums and hospitals are my least favorite places”, Michael says to set the mood for stupidity. ABC busts out the night vision goggles to give us that annoying ‘Blair Witch’ sensation. Of course, these broads are wearing 4 inch heels while marching through the haunted halls of Vanerbloom mansion.

Michelle Money and Holly talk about relationships. I check out mentally for a while. When I rejoin the program, Michelle Money and Michael are talking about relationships. I cry a little. Michael gives the rose to Holly BECAUSE THEY USED TO BE ENGAGED!!!!!!!!!11111!!!

They spend some extra time on the roof of the haunted mansion because it’s super romantic. There’s a lot of talking. Michael admits that he’s still in love with Holly and starts crying. And, when he starts crying, Holly starts crying and when Holly starts crying, I start crying and now everyone is crying. The Bachelor Pad makes me feel so smart. When I’m watching the Bachelor Pad, I’m a Mechanical Engineer.

I drifted off again and Michael and Holly are still talking and crying. I’ve had meals that ended quicker than this scene. I’m suddenly watching one of the Twilight movies. Holy cow, I’m typing and he’s still crying. Michael is like Dick Vermeil. If you’re reading this and don’t get that reference, get the hell off of a Sports station’s website!

We’re back from a break and Bean Bag Face and Jackie are making out. If you’re reading this and don’t know who Bean Bag Face is, get the hell off of a Sports station’s website!

Melissa’s date is next. She takes Casey Mumbles, Blake the Dentist and Kirk or Kurt, I can’t remember. It’s a K-name. I like Melissa. She probably throws things out of her window while she drives, but she comes across as nice on TV. They go out on a boat and jump into the ocean. There’s not much more I can embellish about the date. That’s what they do.

Back at the house, Jake has realized that everyone hates him so he’s going to ask Vienna to help him survive the Bachelor Pad. If you could only hear the music ABC plays while Jake is walking up to ask Vienna for help. It’s the kind of music you would hear if someone was stealing the Mona Lisa.

They take a break and then replay the same 4 minutes again of Jake asking Vienna to go outside. Vienna says, “No”. Then, the women of the house are left to debate what the rest of America is debating, “Who is the bad one, Vienna or Jake?” The answer, America, is ‘both’.

We’re back on the boat and Blake the Dentist and Melissa are making out. Blake doesn’t like Melissa, but he wants to win a quarter of a million dollars. Blake admits to the camera that he’s a whore. My wife cries out, “You’re a jerk too!” Bachelor Pad Producers, you’ve done your homework!

The smooching worked. Melissa gives Blake a rose, even after promising it to Casey Mumbles. I’m just as shocked as you. I wasn’t even going to write a recap tonight, but I was so outraged by what Melissa did to Casey Mumbles.

Melissa and Blake make out a little more before the commercial.

When we get back from the break, Blake is caught hanging out with Holly while Melissa walks in, expecting more lovin’ from the dentist. Holy Love Triangle! Melissa is obviously hurt, but she can’t do anything about it. She already gave Blake a rose. Now, Melissa is bawling and I remember how crazy she is. Everyone is crazy and crying. I have a headache.

“She’s on this island of serenity, and I just want to get on a rowboat and row out to this island, but I can’t because this typhoon of Melissa keeps knocking me over.”- quote by Blake about Holly.

“The way to win this game is to take out the Power Couples!” – words of wisdom from Gia about Bachelor Pad. It’s like Vince Lombardi was reincarnated into a hot, dumb broad.

Gia and some dude plot to break up Casey Mumbles and Vienna and send them home. I wish you guys could see Bulldog’s face while he reads these recaps. Don’t worry. He doesn’t read down this far, so I’m safe mentioning it.

We’re back from commercial and it’s almost over. It’s the elimination ceremony. Jake tries again to talk to Vienna and she accepts that invitation. Casey Mumbles is there for the begging session. The freak-show couple just yells at Jake and, in so many words, they tell him that they won’t be helping him stay on the Bachelor Pad. It’s an annoying exchange of words. The music, again, makes it seem like it’s the most important thing that has ever happened.

Casey Mumbles and Vienna make out some more. It’s as sexually enticing as watching armadillos mate, not that I watch armadillos mate… much.

Chris Harrison earns his keep with a group interview to “get the vibe in the house”.

Vienna yells at Chris Harrison and ABC for making her see Jake again. Harrison tells her that, if she doesn’t like it, she should get in a cab and go home.

Then he tells the group that no men are going home, only two women. It’s jaw-droppingly ohmygoodnessly amazingly shocking!

Vienna freaks out and threatens to go home. She’s uglier than sin, by the way. Vienna doesn’t go home, so it’ll come down to a vote.

Casey Mumbles talks to Gia and I don’t understand a word he says. Luckily, Gia speaks ‘Mumble’ and gets really upset. Gia threatens to walk off of the show. Then, they run over to a group of people and there’s shouting, and I can’t understand any of it.

Gia goes to pack her bags. She’s an underwear model, but there isn’t an underwear model in this world hot enough to make me want to put up with that much stupidity.

Chris Harrison stops Gia at the gate to make sure she’s ready to throw her chances at the cash away. She’s ready. Bye-bye, Gia. You’re hot and dumb.

With Gia’s departure, only one person is sent home at the end. It’s Jackie I gasped. Bean Bag Face and Jackie are in love. Now, they’ll be torn apart. But, Bean Bag Face is so super-romantic that he leaves the show and runs off to the limo as Jackie is driving away. I love Bean Bag Face.

Ella puts it best, “They’re gonna make babies and I’m going to love it!”

Then, Bean Bag Face puts it even better, “I think we just won Bachelor Pad 2.”
You said it, Bean Bag Face. You said it.

(Side Note: I would like to say that this show is fixed if a plastic, horrible woman who everyone threw eggs at for being horrible is not given one cast-off vote. Everyone threw their eggs at the Princess witch when Chris Harrison asked who should be sent home. Then, 3 hours later, there isn't one word mentioned about her being voted off.)

As the group turns away from the limo, transporting Jackie and Bean Bag Face to the nearest Magnolia tree, the camera turns to the Princess-witch who is feeding straight from a live Golden Retriever puppy’s neck. The blood sprays everywhere. The Bachelor Pad crew tries to rip the puppy from her hands but she holds it above her head and screams out something in Latin. The ground around her feet starts on fire. She devours the puppy whole while cackling laughter. I’m glad I stayed up to watch the end.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Greg Bauch Likes This

Greg Bauch likes this.

I Snore. I Don't Kill Kittens

The problem with snoring is the amount of hate in your loving wife's eyes as she pushes you awake with the fury or a Kraken. (Or a thousand Krakens if you want to sound like a blind witch)

I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm just sleeping.

This woman, whose voice could normally calm an attack dog, viciously wakes me out of a sound sleep by elbowing me in the small of the back and yelling, "Greg! Roll over!"

Now, it's up to you, the reader, to make that quote sound like Bobby Knight yelling at an official.

She's really mad at me and I've done nothing wrong.

I understand why she's mad, I guess. She's just trying to fall asleep and there's a guy next to her making a noise that, I can only imagine, sounds like a running chainsaw being scraped across a chain-link fence.

What I don't understand is how she never gets used to this sound. I could eventually learn to sleep on an aircraft carrier tarmac if I had to. It would probably take me a week. She's had 12 years. My L-4 disc is permanently dislodged from the 'People's Elbow' applied nightly.

I think I now know what it must be like to be a spider. You're just minding your own business, being a spider, when my wife walks into the room and screams and then sends me in to kill you with toilet paper.

It's a hard life for me and spiders. We're just being us.

Maybe next time I'm sent to kill a spider, I'll just palm it and throw it into her gaping mouth as she sleeps. Then, when she wakes up screaming, I'll elbow her in the back.

I should be a marriage counselor.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Bachelor Pad Recap- Please Don't Read This

This world is full of egregious injustices; the cost of fountain pop at movie theatres, blacked out Pittsburgh Pirate games in Buffalo, Blues Brothers 2000. No criminal enterprise can top ABC and the punishing 3 HOUR SEASON PREMIERE THEY ROLLED OUT MONDAY NIGHT!
3 hours is a prison sentence. My brother Donny was grounded for less than 3 hours when shot a cap gun at our Chihuahua until it jumped off of the top porch of our South Buffalo home. (Editor’s note: the dog survived without a scrape and lived an additional 14 years.) Why is ABC doing this to me? I didn’t shoot a dog. I’m a good person.

Nonetheless, ABC hates me and rolled out a 3-hour botox-fest Monday night. I promised my readers that I would not watch the Bachelor Pad and certainly would not recap the Bachelor Pad. My wife worked super late Monday night so the Bachelor Pad wasn’t even on in the house. I could have done anything. I could have watched Baseball or put on giant pants and gone shoplifting. Instead, I watch the Bachelor Pad and am now recapping it.
It’s quite clear, at this point, that I enjoy doing this.
For those who are new to the Bachelor Pad, leave. For those of you still here, the Bachelor Pad is a completely unoriginal game show, featuring former contestants of ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’. Very much like ‘Survivor’, they play games and contestants connive and deceive to avoid being voted out of the house. I should correct one part in my last sentence. It’s not “very much” like ‘Survivor’. It’s “exactly” like ‘Survivor’.
The last person remaining gets $250,000 and a scorching Venereal disease.
The cast of the Bachelor Pad can best be described as ‘Pond Scum’. With 3 hours, ABC has plenty of time to shape the drama of the upcoming season. They start by introducing the cast. Here are most of the Hoochies:
Rated R- the completely unintimidating Canadian Wrestler.
Jackie- Former attractive contestant during Brad’s season. She was dumped in Costa Rica. There are worse places to be dumped.
Michelle Money- the biggest whore since Gomorra.
Gia- Insanley hot/stupid woman.
Vienna- inside and out, the ugliest woman on planet Earth. And, that’s only because I haven’t been to other planets.
Casey Mumbles- dating Vienna. I need to learn a new language to double the words I can use to describe how hilarious this is.
Nice Guy- from the season that ended hours ago. He made Ashley cry during a Roast so I don’t hate him yet.
Bean Bag Face- I really like Bean Bag Face and am sad that he went on Bachelor Pad. I doubt that there will be poems about Magnolia trees coming out of his Bean-Bag face during this train wreck.
Erica- I don’t remember her. She’s apparently, a princess. She’s trying hard to be hated but I just feel sorry for her. She’s incredibly ugly and plastic and she couldn’t finish a crossword puzzle with the answers.
Graham- I think he plays basketball. He was on Diana’s season. Diana is awful too. There are just so many truly horrible people from this franchise.
Ella- Nice girl. Don’t hate her yet. Luckily, this show is 3 hours long so there’s time.
Holly- Was engaged to Michael, also on this season of the Bachelor Pad. Hello drama!
First commercial break previews an upcoming ABC venture called ‘THE CHEW’?! From what I could gather before my brain shut down, it’s like ‘The View’ but they’re eating. I think they’re running out of coke in California.
We’re back to the Bachelor Pad action. The season is young but, already, no one is going to top Michelle Money’s quote- “Being here now is blowing my mind, literally.” I need to go back to High School to make that my yearbook quote.
The party starts with the cast of tasties getting out of their limo to congregate and be awful. Vienna is upset because Jake’s here and he verbally abused her during their 2-week engagement. Casey has been dating Vienna and has also been doing push-ups, so he wants to beat up Jake. Gia hates Vienna because Gia fell in love with Country music guy Wes… and Vienna dated him for a while. Michael and Holly were engaged so they’ll cry every week when their former fiancĂ©s rub abs with strangers.
So far so good? There are only 2 and a half hours left.
Vienna looks even worse with short hair. I wouldn't have thought you could slam her in the face with a rake and she would look worse, but I guess that anything is possible. Kevin Garnett was right.
When bringing up the time Vienna and Jake broke off their engagement on National TV, Chris Harrison says to Vienna, “Just between you and me, that was a terrible night.” I’m pretty sure that is just between Chris, Vienna and the millions of people watching.
Casey Mumbles' opening limo interview with Chris Harrison is a 10-out-of-10 on the comedy scale. I can never understand a word he says. Harrison just interrupts him and says, “Hey good luck.”
Rated G hates Casey because they had friction during their season. I should remind readers that Casey Mumbles got a tattoo on his wrist for Ali Fedotowsky 20 minutes before being dumped in Europe.
Holly has immediately fallen in love with Blake because he’s cute and… we have a new quote leader already... “He uses really big words like dysfunctional”. I never thought that Michelle Money’s ‘literal’ quote would be topped but it took 17 minutes. This show is record-breaking.
Former Bachelor extraordinaire Jake shows up in the limo and ABC gives him his own uber-dramatic music. They’re acting like the audience is going to be surprised when he steps out, but they’ve been plugging his infuriating television comeback for weeks.
Jake has all of the charm and charisma of a hornet’s nest. He’s talking a big game about how he’s going to clean up on this season. Normally, I wouldn’t give a person this awful much of a chance on a show that was basically a popularity contest but, everyone is awful so he might just be normal.
My chest is beginning to hurt so I’m going to skip a little bit.
I pick things up at the half way point and Casey Mumbles and Vienna are hanging out by the pool and talking about their relationship. I can’t understand Vienna because she’s crying. I can’t understand Casey because someone stuffed a wash cloth into his mouth when he was 7 and no one has retrieved it yet.
Jake and Jackie go on a date. I’m angry because I thought there’d be more pie eating. While they’re on their date, people get in groups at the Bachelor mansion and plot strategy. It’s hilarious watching these mental juggernauts do math.
Jake and Jackie are walking out in public. Some little girl is bawling her eyes out because she’s in love with Jake. He stops and talks to her to show what a nice guy he really is. As soon as the camera turns away, he beats her.
They eat dinner on the roof of a theatre or something. I already can’t stand how much talking there is on this show. Jake gets a rose somehow. I wasn’t paying attention. I guess he’s immune to going home. There is no way that wasn’t planned by the producers.
The next day, Jake apologizes to Vienna for their failed engagement. He gives Vienna his rose. She goes into the other room to make out with Casey Mumbles, followed by night-vision footage of them having sex in the mansion.
I’m exhausted.
ABC holds a cocktail party so bad people can stab each other in the back before getting voted out of the house. I am unable to follow the fake drama. There is just so much talking.
Jake and Jackie are immune. I’m confused.
13 other people get to stay. Rated G and Ally are sent home. I’m happy because I still get to look at Gia. I’m sad because I still have to hear her talk. Rated G steals Jake’s rose and runs into the limo.
I think we all learned an important lesson tonight. I should have watched baseball.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Bachelorette Recap- Sweet Merciful Lord It's Over

I feel like Andy Dufresne, emerging from the Shawshank Prison sewage tunnel and falling out into freedom.
No more Ashley H.
It’s finally over.
The worst season of the worst show aired a final episode last night. Ashley chose a guy from her 25 boyfriends and they’ll probably get married on T.V. in a ceremony I’ll never watch. Of course, he’s already cheating on her if you believe the magazine covers you read while waiting in line at Wegmans.
ABC flies J.P. and Josh Groban to Fiji to meet Ashley's parents and then get dumped or engaged. There is a ton of crying and a ton of tattoos. Let’s recap this thing and be done with Ashley forever.
J.P. is first up to meet the family. He admits to everyone that he’s “smitten” with Ashley. They all laugh and toast the happy couple.
Then, Ashley’s sister Krysie pulls her aside to tell her that J.P. is not the guy for her.
Attention whoring runs in the H. family. Ashley’s tattooed sister Krysie had an agenda and that was to take her 15 minutes of fame and hammer it out into her own horrible reality TV show. She just outright tells her sister that she’d be miserable if she married J.P. Ashley cries for 10 minutes and speaks incoherently.
Krysie doesn’t want her sister to make another bad decision. If only someone were there for Krysie to give her this advice when she tattooed a giant Geisha to her left arm.
Ashley’s brother pulls Ashley aside to listen to her cry for 10 minutes. He says one word.
Krysie gets together with J.P. She lays into J.P. and basically tells him that he’s not right for her sister. She says that she doesn’t have a good feeling about J.P. and she saw more of a connection between Ashley and Brad Womack when he visited the H. family.
I’ll be honest, I don’t remember this flake from the Brad season but I have a good feeling that she knew that no one remembered her and she was going to make damn sure that America remembered her this time. J.P. does a good job of not punching her in the teeth. He clearly wanted to punch her judging by the look on his face.
J.P. is all sorts of confused and tells the producers that he loves Ashley but isn’t ready to propose. (FORESHADOWING!)
No one is that mean to their sister. ABC paid that girl to act like the devil. ABC is paying everyone. Did you guys get your check from ABC yet?
Josh Groban is up next to meet the H’s. Tattoo basically tells Ashley beforehand that she’s determined not to like Josh Groban too.
Ashley calls her a bitch right in time for ABC to play dramatic piano music over the sound of two sisters screaming at each other. It’s like a Disney movie. I hate this woman.
Josh Groban wins over Ashley’s family right off the bat. He’s super goofy and fun. I can’t even stand it. Ashley makes Josh Groban stand up in front of everyone and do the cute voice he uses to talk to his dog. Josh Groban says ‘no’. Ashley eventually annoys him enough to make him do his cute ‘doogie’ voice. Ashley joins in with her cute ‘doogie’ voice. Acid burns a hole into my stomach wall.
I feel so bad for their dogs.
Krysie pulls Josh Groban aside to grill him. In a stunning turn of events… SHE LIKES HIM AND IS TOTALLY COOL!
I wish Krysie had an offensive tattoo on her arm so ABC would have made her wear one of those arm-socks that the NBA made Allen Iverson wear.
Ashley and Josh Groban get a helicopter ride. ABC is just setting money on fire at this point to salvage the season. They land near a hot springs pit to rub mud all over each other. This is the third or fourth time the Bachelor people have put contestants in healing mud pits. I’m not very good at coming up with ideas for romantic dates as evidenced by the time I took my wife to a mall arcade and made her watch me play Gauntlet for 2 hours, but I think I could do better than healing mud pits for the 4th time.
The mud looks relaxing until you think about how bad it must smell.
Josh Groban then takes Ashley to his Hotel Room, but they didn’t get a card from Chris Harrison giving them permission to have sex on TV so they just talk for 5 long minutes that I’ll never get back. Josh Groban admits to Ashley that he has fallen in love with her.
He says that he never expected to find love in a million years. I don’t understand that. Didn’t the 25 guys come on the show to find love? Do you go to Mighty Taco and act surprised to find tacos? You can’t go on the Bachelorette and be surprised to find love. That’s like planning a vacation to Montana and having a flight attendant say, “Welcome to Montana.” And then you’re all, “Why am I in Montana?”
They whisper to each other and make out on the bed. Again, I couldn’t imagine being a camera man on this show. What if you farted while they were sharing a life-changing moment? What if the flames of their passion took over and they just started procreating? Would you stop taping if they forgot to ask you to leave? Would you try to join in? I got a degree in Broadcasting from Buff State but they never taught you this important information. No wonder it’s a Division III school.
Ashley gets more 1-on-1 time with J.P. the next day. She seems reserved and skeptical. Ashley tells the camera that she wishes she knew if J.P. was serious. J.P. finally tells her that he loves her and she’s all smiles.
It’s clear at this point that Ashley is choosing J.P. but didn’t want to get dumped again. She knew Josh Groban loved her so, if J.P. didn’t use the ‘L’ word, she would have gone with Josh Groban. I just called love “the L word”, but the ‘L’ word might be “lesbian”. Is ”love”’ also an ‘L’ word? Did I just say that J.P. is in lesbian with Ashley?
J.P. gives Ashley a book with pictures and notes. They show the note as Ashley begins to read it and it’s an entire page. Of course, she spends the 12 minutes to read it because this show has no content. I’m miserable.
Josh Groban and J.P. both go to pick out engagement rings the next day. Josh Groban is the only contestant who they show leaving with a ring. That is because ABC thinks we’re stupid. You know at this point that it’s J.P. but they’re trying desperately to make the end interesting by leaving a shred of doubt over whether or not J.P. proposes.
Ashley wakes up the next morning and walks on the beach to think about her men. Then she puts on a dress made out of feathers to dump a guy and get engaged to another. ABC also captures the important moment where J.P. washes his face and puts on his pants.
They fly the guys in on little planes. Josh Groban steps out first to get dumped. He doesn’t allow Ashley to speak and just barrels into his marriage proposal. Ashley says ‘No’. Josh Groban gets pissed. It’s pretty funny. I’ve never seen a dumped Bachelor/Bachelorette contestant so angry before.
He basically says, “Later!” and walks away. ABC makes him leave on a rowboat, just to make sure he has zero dignity left.
Ashley cries a ton.
J.P. is the next to fly in. Ashley has a super good poker face and runs up to hug him. J.P. takes 7 minutes to propose marriage. I try to think about how many Bills linemen I can name in my head. I get to Pears and he’s still proposing. I hate this show.
They make out for 7 more minutes. Then, ABC rolls out the footage of their boring journey set to REO Speedwagon’s “I can’t fight this feeling anymore”. I’m pretty sure that it’s REO Speedwagon. If it’s not, please don’t bother telling me. I don’t care. To me, all bad music is REO Speedwagon. It is the perfect song to explain their pointless love.
If you think I’m recapping the next hour of ‘After the Final Rose’, you’re on crack. I won’t do it. There was way too much ‘Ashley’ talking to recap. They did not name the next Bachelor. I’m sure it’ll be Josh Groban. They just replayed the entire season over again while a live studio audience of 400 lonely women claps uncontrollably.
I don’t think I can recap the Bachelor Pad either. I hate it. I think I need the rest of the summer off. I’m considering retirement from these awful recaps.
I am so happy that Ashley is out of my life that I’m going to celebrate Tuesday night. Does anyone know where I can find an arcade with Gauntlet?

Monday, August 1, 2011

Bachelorette Recap- Men Tell All

I’d like to take a minute before I recap ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette- The Men Tell All’ episode to apologize to my readers. There may be some poor folks out there who stumbled upon this blog, read about the awful things happening on ABC and decided to tune in to see if the Bachelorette could possibly be the worst thing to ever happen to mankind. I could not be sorrier for contributing, in any way, to the suffering you endured Sunday night.
Every week, I tell people that this show could not get worse and, every week, I look more and more foolish for setting the bar so low. This show is an avalanche of disgrace. It started out as bad and rolled down a mountain, collecting bits and pieces of dog feces along the way, and amassed into a dung ball big enough to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. Those pools are huge.
I still fear things could get worse. So, I guess I’m sorry to have a hand in your time spent watching this show which could have been better spent in fire.
ABC was cruel enough to charge me into two blogs in one week, but kind enough to rip off the band aid in one swoop and get Ashley H. out of my life for good. It’s worth it. Monday night is the season finale. I’ve never been more excited to waste 3 hours of my life.
Sunday night was the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. That is where they bring back all of your favorite contestants from the season and give them one last chance to remind you why you hate them.
We begin the episode the way ‘The Bachelor/Bachelorette begins every episode; rolling out footage you’ve already seen a thousand times. This show is brilliant. They’re either showing old footage or previewing footage to come. There is no present tense on the Bachelorette. It’s some sort of Paradox.
Chris Harrison sits down for a painful taped interview with Ashley. I have absolutely no idea why they taped an interview with Ashley and aired it an hour before a live interview with Ashley. We are treated to some highlights from the season, like Ashley and Nice Guy’s hilarious fake wedding (my intestinal walls are still bleeding from laughing over that super spoof!), Ashley dumping Ryan after he talked about tankless water heaters and the Mask guy who was paid by ABC to be on the show and captured the interest of no one. I love these trips down memory lane.
In an effort to lighten things up, Chris Harrison rolled out the blooper reel with footage the audience had never seen. My wife was so excited over this exclusive content that she fired a pistol in the air. The bloopers were classic. Ashley and Bean Bag Face ate crickets, Ashley and Josh Groban ate rice and then Ashley bought drugs from an undercover police officer. Oops! What a season!
Having no talent or creative content, ABC then whipped out a 10-minute preview of their ‘Bachelor Pad’ show. It’s all of the awfulness of the Bachelor with twice the mortal sin. I do not want to recap ‘Bachelor Pad’. I don’t even have a boss anymore. I should be swearing throughout this blog.
We were a half-hour into the ‘Men Tell All’ episode before any one ‘Man’ told ‘All’. They finally trotted out the guys. ABC was sure to include the Mask guy and Tim, the guy who got hammered during the first show and fell asleep in a chair before they stuffed him into a limo and sent him home. Tim was slightly easier to understand Sunday night. I’m pretty sure he had still been drinking. Plus, he had a huge tattoo of Jesus Christ on his bicep.
Mask guy talked for two seconds. Nick, the Soul Patch personal trainer guy had something to say about everyone in a desperate attempt to be on camera as much as possible.
Chris Harrison brought Nice Guy down to sit in the hot seat so he could relive being cruel to Ashley during the ‘Celebrity Roast’ episode. Get this! They showed the footage! This show is like a prison sentence, complete with shower beatings. Somewhere on the Shark Week channel, a Great White is jumping out of the water and killing something. I do love how, when they show Nice guy being mean, they cut to a shot of two women in the studio audience shaking their heads disapprovingly. The only redeeming value of the ‘Men Tell All’ episodes is the audience shots of lonely women with leathery skin and disapproving frowns.
Chris Harrison brought Ryan down to the hot seat so they could show more footage from the season. Then, he brought Bean Bag Face down to the hot seat so they could show more footage. My wife grabbed the remote TWICE to fast-forward. This season has hit new lows. I hope Ashley has cost ABC millions because her season has been the least interesting. ABC even hired guys to come on the show and add drama and the ploy failed.
Speaking of which, Bentley was mentioned plenty of times. Bentley is the paid actor who made Ashley fall in love with him and then said horrible things behind her back to make America hate him. ABC made it appear as if he were coming on the ‘Men Tell All’ episode to be confronted by Ashley’s 15 jealous boyfriends, but he wasn’t on the show. That might have actually been relevant.
They did bring Ashley out to talk all about it which helped nothing. Also, Michelle Money, the 4th worst person on Earth, stepped out of the studio audience to tell America how she knew all along that Bentley was bad. Michelle is going to be on the Bachelor Pad. So is Vienna the Dude, Jake the Pilot and Rated ‘R’ the Canadian Wrestler. Who could possibly still be reading this recap?
Just when the show could not get worse, Chris Harrison introduced 3 of Ashley’s Bachelor buddies to join the fun; Deanna Pappas, Jason Mesnick and Ali Fedotowsky. I’m not into apocalyptic predictions but, when the Supreme Being decides to reduce our planet to ash, it will be because Deanna Pappas, Jason Mesnik and Ali Fedotowsky are sitting on a couch telling Chris Harrison about the roller coaster ride of falling in love on a Reality T.V. show. As soon as the segment started, I duct taped Cling wrap over my windows and started to scavenge for canned goods.
I’d really love to tell you what these people said but they’re all just so awful that I couldn’t listen. I was deathly afraid that one small ounce of knowledge they passed down to Ashley would seep into my brain and I would somehow accidentally pass that trinket onto a loved one.
I did hear them giving Ashley credit for how she finally wised up and dumped Bentley after she found out that he was no good. They were nice enough to leave out the part about how Ashley never dumped Bentley. He came back and she begged him to tell her that she wasn’t ugly and then he dumped her for a second time. There was no clarity. That woman would jump into a volcano to retrieve a tissue that Bentley had just discarded. She has no self-esteem.
ABC ended the show with more… hilarious… I’m sorry. ABC ended….
Sorry. I’m fine now. Seriously….
ABC ended….
ABC ended…. They….
ABC ended the show with more hilarious bloopers. There I got it out. Sorry. I was totally laughing, like, a ton just thinking about the bloopers. You guys! You gotta see these bloopers. It’s just nuts. Then, they previewed Monday’s finale for 10 minutes because that’s what bad TV shows do!
Hope you liked my recap and I hope you never watch a single second of ABC programming. Stay in school.
Here is a link to last week's recap

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Bachelorette Recap- Filthy in Fiji

Three of the worst episodes remain in this season of the Bachelorette . This is like biking 1,000 miles in the Tour de France and finding out that you now get to start climbing the mountains.
I hate Ashley H. and the three remaining men on the show. ABC also tells us right off the bat that one of the old contestants is coming back.
(Please don’t let it be Mickey.)

The group flies to Fiji so that Ashley can have sex with the guys and then dump one of them. There is very little actual content remaining on the show so ABC spends a lot of time recapping the same crap we’ve already seen. It’s not fair. I have no content to write about but I don’t repeat myself and, I never repeat myself, ever. I always keep things fresh and never repeat stuff. Even last paragraph, I wrote about one of the contestants coming back. Do you guys remember that? I wrote about how one of the contestants is coming back.
We begin our journey with Ryan coming back to stalk Ashley. I’d love to go on about how he’s a stalker and a psycho but there’s no way ABC didn’t put him up to this. This show is a miracle. They have zero respect for their viewers. I am glad that Ryan is back because he never finished extolling the benefits of tankless water heaters. People really do need to be aware of tankless water heaters. My computer doesn’t even recognize ‘tankless’ as a word.

Ryan begs Ashley to take him back. Ashley hears him out with a lot of head nodding. It’s clear that she’s a bit freaked out by his return. He gives her his room number in Fiji and asks her to think things over. Then he goes outside so cameras can capture him thinking by a waterfall.
Ashley’s first date in Fiji is with Ben. She thinks about Ben on a pier. And I know what you guys are thinking. You’re thinking, “How do you know she’s thinking about Ben on a pier?” Well guys, they showed her on a pier and she was thinking and then you heard a voice over of Ashley talking about Ben. She was either thinking about Ben or it was all a huge coincidence.
Ben and Ashley go on a boat. Ben declares that he is a more ‘open and emotional Ben’. I noticed it. I’m glad he did. Ashley begs Ben to put lotion on her back. Then, he rubs some on her boob. Then, they have sex on National Television. I wonder if there’s someone watching this show in a Hospital Emergency Waiting room. Think of how awkward it would be to bring in your 8-year old with a 104 degree temperature to the E.R. and then the Bachelorette teaches them what sex is. Maybe it would be convenient.
Ben and Ashley do some snorkeling. The Pirates are playing the Braves on ESPN right now. They’re in first place and I’m watching two idiots snorkeling.
When they’re done snorkeling, they eat outside with, I’m guessing, 5 million flies. Ben tells Ashley that he’s falling in love with her because he’d like to be the next Bachelor after their 3-month relationship. At the very least, I’ll bet he’d like to get on the Bachelor Pad. He’s halfway through telling her that he loves her, but he chickens out and goes in for a kiss.
Ashley busts out the Fantasy Suite card. If you’ve never seen the Bachelor/Bachelorette before, when there are only 3 contestants left, they each get a hotel room with the main slut to bump and grind. They don’t bring the cameras into the bedroom to film carnal acts, but they do tape about 40 minutes of make outs and pool groping. It’s uncomfortable.
Ashley’s next date is with the other Josh Groban. Josh Groban has been moving much slower than J.P. and Josh Groban. Ashley is concerned that they’re running out of time to connect.
Their date begins with a helicopter ride and it’s about damn time. There has been almost no helicopter action this season.
Their helicopter flies over Ryan, standing on a coral reef. It has been a couple of days and Ryan hasn’t heard from Ashley. He’s so lucky.
Josh Groban and Ashley jump off of a waterfall. Ashley equates the action with the leap that one takes falling in love. It’s not entirely accurate because it’s very hard to catch a venereal disease jumping off of a waterfall.
Ashley and Josh Groban are eating dinner. Ashley begs Josh Groban to tell her that he loves her. He talks about how he’s kind of just hanging out. Ashley again inquires about his level of interest in her. Josh Groban begins his “I’m about to dump you” speech. Just as Josh Groban is about to dump her, President Barack Obama interrupts the show to tell America that we all need to start growing our own food. It’s a 15-minute cliff hanger. I’m mad because I was really into Josh Groban dumping Ashley. Luckily, ABC assures us that we’ll see the dumping in its entirety.
We return mid-dumping and Josh Groban pulls a thumbs-up “I’m outskie!” Ashley takes the dumping quite well for a woman with no self-esteem. She cuts herself under the table.
The next day, Ashley shows up at Ryan’s hotel because producers needed to fill the 20-minute hole that was reserved for Ashley and Josh Groban’s Fantasy Suite pool escapade. Ashley admits to Ryan that Josh Groban went home last night, but she says that Josh Groban went home because they both felt like the relationship was going nowhere. She tries to play it off like it was some mutual revelation. As I recall, Ashley begged Josh Groban to show an interest in her for an hour, and then he got sick of her face and left. I hope she sees how stupid she looks watching that back.
Ryan asks to get back on the show but Ashley declines the invitation. Ryan cries again. He talks to the camera about how much he needs someone in his life. He says, “It’ll happen. It’ll happen. It’ll happen.” The Pirates are up 2-0 on the Braves in the 4th. Also, our country doesn’t have any money. It’s been a busy night.
Ashley has her final date of the night with J.P. They take a plane to an island. They were already on a beautiful island, but ABC decided they needed to take a plane to a different island. This is why our country doesn’t have any money. We could have used that cash to make a few hundred car engines.
J.P. and Ashley play on the beach and he laments the fact that his girlfriend is humping other guys in Fantasy Suite pools. Then, they make out in the ocean. It may have been a lagoon. This show never ends. At one point, they’re kissing in the water and we watch the passion from a camera in the water. ABC threw some waders on a poor camera guy and made him hold a 200-pound camera in the middle of the ocean. It’s like they don’t have zoom lenses. They need to get a shot right over J.P.’s shoulder as he jams his tongue down Ashley’s throat. I wish so badly that the President would interrupt us with a report about a planet-destroying comet.
J.P. and Ashley eat dinner outside. He says that it’s the most romantic setting. Clearly, he didn’t hear about Bean Bag Face’s theory on Magnolia trees.
J.P. tells the camera that he’s in love with Ashley but he’s not ready to tell her yet. I know that I’ve been watching this show for one hundred seasons and I’m not ready to hear it. Ashley tells J.P. that she’s already sent two guys home. J.P. gets excited because he thinks he’s now the only dude left. Silly Ashley was just having some fun, though. She reveals that Ryan came back and was sent home to fill 20 minutes of programming. They have a good laugh together.
When they’re done eating, they go to their hotel room to have sex. I could not be an ABC camera guy. They have to stand in these Fantasy Suite rooms and get up close to a man straddling a woman. I’m uncomfortable watching from my living room, I can’t imagine being 8-feet away and hearing all of the noises.
The three dates are over and there are still 30 minutes left in this sink hole. It must be time for a Chris Harrison interview. The jerk explains to the portion of the audience with no short-term memory what they just watched.
Then Chris Harrison points out that there are two guys left and two roses, but they’re still having a Rose Ceremony. He asks “Why?”
I raise my hand at home and say, “Because there is no content in this soulless venture that has gone 8 seasons too long!” Ashley interrupts my answer and talks about how important the fake rose ceremony will be to give the guys another chance to dump her. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s exactly what she says. She says that she wants to give the two remaining contestants one last chance to dump her. I know I just repeated myself, but I need to be clear on this. Ashley, a woman dumped about 4 times this season, wants to give her final two contestants another chance to dump her. I thought America had problems.
Ashley starts off the Rose Ceremony by telling the truth about being dumped by the other Josh Groban. Then, she begs one of the guys to dump her. Both men decline to do so. They must be drugged.
A quick heads up to both of my readers: The ‘Men tell all’ episode is Sunday night and the finale of the show is in one week on Monday night. There is no two-week wait for the final episode. It’s almost over, everyone. Perhaps ABC is as sick of Ashley as I am. Also, the Pirates held on to beat the Braves 3-1.