Monday, March 11, 2013
When a deer gets caught in a trap, they’ll chew off their own foot off to escape. I considered doing this to get out of watching and recapping 3 hours of ‘Bachelor’ misery tonight. Unfortunately, my foot does not reach my mouth. I don’t even own a saw.
Sean Lowe is so close to finding true love, he can taste it. America can taste it. The Bachelor only has two girlfriends left. You’d think, with only two measly girls around, ABC could wrap this crap up quick but, no. We get another 3-hour season finale. I know people who like this show and I know people who only watch it to make fun of it and, I guarantee, no one likes the fact that the finale is 3-hours long.
Before the fun starts, the big-voice ABC guy says we have a “bomb shell ending”. I guess that means that everyone involved in this garbage walks in front of the camera, apologizes to America, and then quits without an ending.
They tease us that there some big dramatic note at the end, and that Sean could get dumped but, it won’t be anything near that dramatic. This show is stupid.
We begin with a live studio audience and everyone’s favorite interviewer, Chris Harrison. The studio audience is predominantly female. They’ve all just consumed some Red Bull and have practiced both approving and disapproving faces in the mirror.
Chris Harrison mentions the stakes. A girl fist pumps when Harrison says ‘Lindsay’ and I vow to never fist pump again… even if I win the Masters. (Sports quota filled)
After the intro, we head to Thailand to catch up with the love triangle. There’s lots of b-roll footage of dragon flies and flowers. Sean’s family is flown in to waste some time.
Catherine gets the first chance to make a good impression. She wears a shirt that looks like a hammock. They sit at a table to drink water. WATER! This is going to be the longest 3 hours of my life.
Sean’s mom asks Catherine what she has learned since coming on the show. She says, “It’s beyond comprehension at this point”. So, if you’re scoring at home, Catherine can’t answer the question. She can’t process the information. If she has learned something, she doesn’t know it. She can’t comprehend.
As Catherine continues to try and comprehend what’s happening, Sean’s mom pulls her aside. She asks when Catherine first started to develop feelings. Acoustic guitar kicks in just as she starts to say when she realizes she was in love with Sean. It was back when he was dating 8 women.
Sean’s mom is making it clear that she is not enthusiastic about her son proposing to a girl he’s known for 3 months while dating other women. I like Sean’s mom very much.
Sean’s dad is next to grill Catherine. He basically holds a job interview. He stops short of asking her what her weaknesses are in the work place. Then, he makes America cry by telling Catherine he’ll love her if Sean picks her. It’s super heartfelt. Acoustic guitar guy almost breaks his fingers with some serious ‘Dad says heartfelt things’ guitar music.
Catherine tells the camera that she loves Sean’s dad more than her real dad. I’m not making that up.
Sean says goodbye and throws Catherine into a minivan. We’re 15 minutes into a 3-hour show and we’re already done with one family meeting. What the hell are they going to fill with? Is Chris Harrison going to sit in front of a screen and recap the last 4 Bachelor seasons?
Lindsay gets to meet the family next. They act like they didn’t just meet Sean’s other girl that he’s close to proposing to.
They all LOL over Lindsay wearing a wedding dress. It’s super fun. Lindsay says, “I never thought, in a million years, that I’d be sitting here with Sean’s family”. I guess she just came on the show to build up her resume.
Sean’s dad pulls Lindsay aside for an interview. He says that his wife and he prayed every day for Sean’s wife, even before they knew who she was going to be. Lindsay cries, Sean’s dad cries, my wife cries and everyone is crying.
Sean’s dad spent a good 11 minutes with Lindsay and he’s completely confident that there is nothing wrong with her and that she’s perfect for his son and that televised love can happen.
Sean’s mom interviews Lindsay next. She smiles, even though she hates this show. They talk and there’s talking.
Lindsay assures Sean’s mom that they can be serious and they talked about the hard things. I saw it. I saw when they talked about the hard things. They had a serious discussion in a hot tub, 10 feet away from Sean’s other 12 girlfriends. They talked about how tough it is to live in a mansion and travel to exotic countries. They’ve been through a lot together.
“I’m so glad my parents got to meet Lindsay so they could see how in love with me she is.”
Again, the family meetings are over and we still have 2 and-a-half hours of show.
Sean sits down with his mom to see what she thinks of his girlfriends. The music gets storm-cloudy. Sean’s mom starts to cry because she has a brain and doesn’t want him to marry a woman he met on TV while dating 24 other women. ABC thugs stand at the ready with cattle prods, in case she gets out of line with her blasphemy.
They walk in the jungle so she can try and talk him out of this. It doesn’t work.
Things are getting intense. ABC bumps back with their live audience to give us all a breather. Chris Harrison teases that there’s breaking ‘Sean Lowe’ news that just came down in the last 24 hours. They show an audience member turn to her friend and exclaim, with her face, “What could that breaking news be?” She should have text the word ‘Sean’ to 550550 for all breaking ‘Sean’ news.
I have a feeling that the only way 'Splash got green-lit is because Louis Anderson drowns to death.
Back from commercial break, Lindsay gets the first last date. She says, “I’m so blessed to be here in Thailand with Sean”. Because, that’s what God is worried about, blessing Lindsay.
They ride a boat on the Mekong River. Sean impresses Lindsay by pointing out geographical facts that are surely being fed to his earpiece by Bachelor producers.
She says, “Everything just kind of melts away” when she’s with Sean. And, it is because of Sean and not because she’s been on a 3-month vacation in a country most hard working Americans will never get a chance to visit.
Sean says, “A life with Lindsay would be fun and would never be dull.” I wonder if he’ll remember saying that the first time he’s at a birthday party for a 4-year old and Lindsay is yelling at him for constantly checking his phone and he yells “What do you want me to do?” and she’s like, “Pay attention to the party! Pay attention to me” and there are no Thailand boats.
They make fake binocular faces and their boat captain has a look on his face like, “These are the two whitest people on Earth”.
Sean tells Lindsay that he can picture her being a hot old chic. Then Lindsay says, “I love you. I really, really mean it”. Lindsay should write for Hallmark. She had me teared up when she said “I love you” but, to then throw in the “I really, really mean it”, that’s some big-gun shootin there. She’s going for it!
Lindsay continues to butcher English and I can’t type fast enough to keep up.
She says, “I’ve never thought that I’d be this close to something that I’ve always wanted all my life and, to have it right in front of me and it being better than I ever imagined it would be so, It’s overwhelming and exciting and there’s no f’ing way you read this entire quote but that is what she said”. This woman is a scourge. She needs to be stopped.
They get comfy in a suite AND THEY’RE FINALLY DRINKING GIANT GLASSES OF ALCOHOL. They make out while talking. It’s slurpy good. Then, they make with the soft growly talk so America can’t hear.
Lindsay says that she’s nervous to get dumped and Sean tells her not to be nervous, which, I mean, of course!
Lindsay says that Sean’s kisses tell her everything she needs to know. Apparently, she needs to know “Slurp”. Lindsay pulls out a surprise for Sean. It’s a couple of wish lanterns. You write wishes on the paper lanterns and then set them on fire so they float up int….YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BECAUSE THIS IS THE THIRD TIME BACHELOR PRODUCERS HAVE FORCED THEIR CONTESTANTS TO DO THIS!
I hate this show.
Lindsay says, “Seeing our wishes float away is so romantic and that’s exactly how I wanted this night to end”. I don’t think she knows what she’s saying.
Catherine’s final date is next. We’re almost to the end. There are only 140 more minutes to go. Catherine gets a final date despite the fact that she’s clearly not going to win the Game Show.
They get to ride an elephant WHICH HAS BEEN DONE ABOUT 8 TIMES ON THE BACHELOR. They’re excited to ride the elephant because, who wouldn’t be? There’s elephant riding. They ride it. Keep up!
Catherine says, “We’re riding an elephant in Thailand” and I’m all, “I know!” Sean explains the navigation controls of elephants. He knows so much about everything. He’s like Carrie Ann Moss learning to ride a helicopter in the Matrix.
When they’re done riding the elephant... THEY RODE IT!... they relax in a gazebo to drink giant glasses of alcohol. They talk about real life. The elephants are parked a few feet away and I’m guessing that wine doesn’t taste real good with that smell lingering. You don’t just fan elephant smell away. That’s a stench that cuts deep. They make out to the smell of elephants and ABC goes to commercial and I’ve only got two hours to go!
Elephant riding… they rode them… the elephants… elephant riding is over and Sean and Catherine get cozy in their hotel suite. Catherine tells the camera that she’s ready to make sure Sean knows that she loves him. I yell, “It’s about time!” and wake up my wife.
Catherine basically says how much it sucks that she can say she loves Sean but Sean is contractually obligated to not express his feelings. As Marty Pecoraro would say, “Great point!”
They make out and slurp but, it’s not as slurpy as when Sean slurps with Lindsay. I wonder if Catherine can taste Lindsay. What if she can taste Lindsay and she likes it?
Sean tells the camera,“I never thought I’d be in this situation”. So, to recap , the guy who went on TV to date 25 women never, NEVER, thought that he’d be in a situation where he had to pick between two women. Never. I hate this show.
Before she leaves, Catherine whispers, “I love you”. Sean whispers back, “Thank you for today”. Boom! Sean is not picking Catherine. You can see it in his face.
ABC even plays fake heartbeat sounds. It’s as if they’re saying, “Can you hear it? Can you hear Catherine’s heart breaking?” I heard it, ABC. I heard it. Catherine could tell that Sean doesn’t love her.
Catherine comes back crying. Sean comforts her. She’s sad that Sean can’t say “I love you” back. She says, “I feel like S***”. I do too, Catherine.
Catherine throws herself on a bed to cry. They rode those elephants, by the way.
ABC bumps back with live female studio audience. He invites members of the audience to provide commentary. It’s suddenly talk radio. Art Wander used to do this and, that always worked out well. One of the brilliant studio audience members, who clearly have never seen the show before, says, “It could go either way at this point”. Thanks, home team broadcast!
We’re back from commercial with a solid 45 seconds of shirtless Sean footage. He sits on a deck in a towel and thinks out loud about his girlfriends. They roll out footage we’ve already seen. Sean puts his shirt on to think more (BORING!)
He goes over to the biggest whore, Neil Lane, so he can show America diamonds they’ll never be able to afford. I hate Neil Lane. I would like elephants to trample him. We’re treated to a 5-minute diamond commercial. Neil Lane smiles a lot. Neil Lane takes a hand full of diamonds and pours them into his mouth and eats them. Then, Sean eats some diamonds. A poor person walks by and Neil Lane kicks him over. They both belly laugh as their mouth’s bleed.
After that, Sean takes his shirt off again to put on another shirt. They show us the process of Sean dressing. It’s important television. They should show this in schools.
Lindsay is next up to get dressed while her voice over explains how in love with Sean she is. They do not show Lindsay with her shirt off. It isn’t fair. Lindsay cries a lot. I’m sure Sean will never get sick of that.
They don’t show much of Catherine getting dressed because she loses and, who cares?
90 minutes to go!
Back from break, Chris Harrison checks in with his live studio audience and asks who they’re pulling for. They cheer more for Catherine than they do for Lindsay, which is a complete one-eighty from the beginning of the show. This show is a whirlwind.
They interview some of Sean’s other girlfriends. It’s cute. The girlfriends are all so happy for the guy who dumped them recently. Sarah with one arm talks and it takes forever. AshLee talks and I zone out because she’s terrible to listen to. How desperate are these women to re-appear on the Game Show that is responsible for them being dumped in front of millions of people? It’s a pointless segment, but it helps us fill out that 3-hour time slot.
We’re back in Thailand (keep up!) It’s almost over. Sean just has to dump one of his girlfriends that he recently had sex with and then ask the other to marry him.
The loser limo pulls up and LINDSAY GETS OUT! OMG HE DUMPED LINDSAY!
I’m never really correct about these things. I need an analytics department for my Bachelor recap. I’m sure there were some statistics that would have told me Catherine was going to win. Matthew Coller probably knew.
Sean brings Lindsay up on their Thailand alter to dump her. He says nice things about her, before he dumps her. He says that he loves being with her before he dumps her. He has this big long speech about how awesome she is, despite the fact that he’s about to dump her. He dumps her.
He says it’s the toughest thing he’s ever had to do. Watching it is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. Lindsay takes it well. I’m sure it helps that she doesn’t really understand what he’s saying because she doesn’t speak English. They’ll tell her in the limo.
Sean apologizes to Lindsay for dumping her and demands that she know how hard it is to dump her. He’s crying and he probably shouldn’t have dated 25 women. Now, Lindsay is crying and I’m crying and, who even cares about those stupid elephants because nothing matters and love doesn’t exist.
I guess Lindsay shouldn't have burned those lanterns.
Lindsay knows that being a future Bachelorette is important too, so she leaves in a classy manner to not piss off ABC. She takes off her trillion dollar shoes to walk away into the Thailand sunset. Sean follows behind to apologize again for dumping her. There’s a ton of snot. It’s everywhere. Chris Harrison earns some bank by walking Lindsay to the limo to cry.
Sean walks down a path lit by torches. It’s a metaphor.
Lindsay cries about how she was tricked into thinking that she wouldn’t get dumped on a Game Show where a man dates 25 women. The music is a cross between Genesis and Chicago. That’s a sappy mix.
When Lindsay is carted away, Chris Harrison walks up to Sean on his Thailand Bachelor alter and says, “That was rough!” He then hands Sean an envelope. ABC cuts back to the studio audience because, why just end the show?
On the other side of the break, Sean reads a dramatic letter from Catherine that we all have been led to believe is someone dumping Sean. It is not. That much I was right about. It’s just a love note. It’s stupid. This show is stupid. I hate it.
Sean loves Catherine and asks her to marry her and she says yes and the show ends and there’s still another hour of show. They even show that jerk’s name on the diamond box because there is no good. There’s a ton of talking. It’s that quiet, growly talk.
When they leave, they LEAVE ON AN ELEPHANT!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!1ELEVENTY!!!!11!!!!!
I hope elephants replace helicopters.
Catherine loves her elephant ride and exclaims, “I get this? I get this?” Yeah, right Catherine. In real life, you’re going to get a ton of elephant rides and not ever will you be forced to argue in an Arby’s drive thru about having to go to both families’ houses for Christmas.
I will note, when Chris Harrison escorts Catherine to the Thailand altar and he does not have a good poker face. He hides the ‘You win’ secret like I hide a pair of 8’s.
The studio audience is happy and cheering. I cheer a bunch at home. Some things are set on fire. Chris Harrison brings Sean up to talk about his tremendous journey. ABC producers instruct some audience members to yell, “Take your shirt off!” and everyone laughs because it’s hilarious.
Andy Dick is on Dancing with the Stars. That’s like putting dog poo on dog throw-up.
After the commercial break, Chris Harrison asks Sean, for the 1,000th time, if he’s nervous and my wife blurts out, “Yes! We already went over this!”
Sean and Lindsay talk and there’s talking. I have my fingers crossed that they’ll make out but, it probably won’t happen. Lindsay looks terrible. The break up wasn’t good to her. She looks kind of orange.
Sean tells Lindsay how awesome she is. The studio audience nods approval. Lindsay asks Sean why he dumped her and he tells her that he prayed to God to tell him who he should dump. So, to recap, God told Sean to dump Lindsay. That should make her feel better.
Lindsay thanks Sean again for dumping her. They have closure. Chris Harrison doesn’t think so because he fires a series of questions, making her re-live the dumping. Chris Harrison is a jerk.
Lindsay then asks again why he dumped her and Sean admits he made up his mind on the final night of the show… because it was God’s idea. They have closure. Chris Harrison asks her to, again, explain how’s she’s feeling about being dumped. Lindsay says that she got through it because she had a lot of faith in the God that chose her to be dumped. God’s kind of a jerk.
Chris Harrison says that everyone has fallen in love with Lindsay. He never asked me.
We go to commercial and there is only 34 minutes left. Everything has already happened so I’m not sure what’s going to happen when we get back from commercial. They’ll probably talk to the audience because I still have a few brain cells remaining.
We come back with more cheering and, for a second, I think we’re at Arrowhead stadium. Chris Harrison brings out Catherine so we can see how cute our favorite Reality TV couple is. They’re super cute, guys.
Chris Harrison asks some hard-hitting questions like, “How much do you love this guy?” Catherine says a bunch of words. Harrison asks Sean, “What do you love about her?” and he says, “Everything” and the audience cheers. There are more words. So many words. Not even my mother has read down this far.
They show one guy in the studio audience and he’s totally going to pick up the scraps from these ‘Shirtless Sean’ crazy Bachelor fans. This guy is smart. That audience is the place to be for some trim. These women are all melting from ‘Sean’ love.
Chris Harrison says, “American has fallen in love with you two” without even really asking us. And, even if America has fallen in love with Catherine and Sean, is that really an impressive feat? American also fell in love with Yahoo Serious for a couple of months.
They replay the proposal that we just saw minutes ago. This show has no content. Sean cries and Catherine cries. Chris Harrison NEVER CRIES. That man is a rock.
Sean Harrison finally reveals the breaking ‘Sean’ news he’s been teasing. He says that Sean and Catherine are going to get married live on ABC and I have to recap it. I sure as hell hope they break up before then. Those weddings are torture. I think the odds are on my side.
The next Bachelorette is Dez. (She’s Dez now) I hate all of you for reading these recaps. I. Hate. You.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Lots of things are bad. Drugs are bad. Criminals are bad.
The Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’ episode is bad in the way that hamburger is bad when you forget it’s in your cooler and leave that cooler in your garage through the month of August. It makes you throw up. I’m trying to draw a parallel here to how The Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’ makes me feel like I’ve just put my face into a cooler containing rotten meat. I’ve completely run out of ways to describe how bad the Bachelor is and I’ve stooped to using meat. I'd be embarrassed but, you're the one reading the Bachelor recap.
I have no idea if Sean Lowe finds true love. We will all find out during the Bachelor finale but, we’re going to have to swing in the wind for now. ABC wants us to earn this privilege. First, the women must tell all. I can't believe they're going to tell 'All' in only two hours. I can't wait until they get to the Magna Carta. I've always wondered about that story.
‘The Women Tell All’ episode of the Bachelor is taped in front of a live studio audience, which means, it is taped. The studio audience consists of 249 single women and 1 guy. Chris Harrison kicks things off by asking the crowd 3 questions.
Chris Harrison asks, “Has this been the best season ever?” and the crowd goes nuts with cheering. Chris Harrison asks, “What do we think of Sean?” and the crowd cheers louder. Chris Harrison asks, “What do we think of Sean with his shirt off?” and the crowd cheers so loud that a portion of Los Angeles breaks off into the ocean. America loves shirtless Sean.
When Chris Harrison references a shirtless Sean, they show a woman in the audience high-fiving her friend, and I vow to never high-five anyone again for the rest of my life. Two women, in the audience of the Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’, high-fiving is the opposite of cool. I display more cool when I dance at weddings. I dance like the armless/legless guy from Metallica’s ‘One’ video trying to Morse code to his nurse to kill him. I’ve been drinking.
Chris Harrison mentions Sean and the crowd cheers. He mentions Tierra, and they boo. The Bachelor has become a Tom Slick cartoon.
Before the Women Tell All, Chris Harrison and Sean Lowe roll out footage of their guerrilla assault on Americans watching the show from home. These two crazy kids visited viewing parties so women could scream.
They go to a Sorority House and 48 College girls have Sean take his shirt off and I’m uncomfortable. It’s kind of jail-baity. The studio audience loves his College Girl seduction because they cheer like they’re watching the World Cup. I think I’ve filled the Sports quota but, it’s hard to concentrate. There’s so much screaming.
That crap ends and we move on to women telling all. Chris Harrison introduces the season’s contestants to more cheering. This audience must do raging rivers of Coke because they’re constantly prepped to jump through the starting gate with euphoric applause. They’re so excited. I was less excited to get a bike for Christmas than a live Bachelor ‘Women Tell All’ studio audience is to hear the name of a woman sent home two weeks into the season. Soldiers returning from war are less excited to see their families. This audience has more energy than a pack of rabid Border Collies. They cheer anything Chris Harrison asks them to cheer. Chris Harrison could introduce a Mechanical Drawing teacher and this audience would explode like their High School boyfriend just threw the winning touchdown in the State Championship. They’ve all simultaneously won Powerball while witnessing the 1980 U.S. Hockey team beat Russia.
There’s a girl named Katie I’ve never seen before. There’s a girl named Robyn who never existed. I don’t know why they’ve brought these women back and why anyone would want them to tell all. Kacie B. is back and she’s not wearing eyeblack so, who cares?
Tonight’s show is basically all about Tierra. All of Sean’s girlfriends hate Tierra and get a chance to squawk about her. ABC doesn’t put Tierra on the show immediately. She’s brought on later so they can talk about her behind her back. It’s a good tactic. Jerry Springer uses this tactic.
They show footage of Tierra saying, “Enough is enough. Grow up before I beat the bleep out of these bleepitches.” The rest of the women make mean faces. It’s interesting how these women clap for each other and rally around their hatred for Tierra. They all dated the same guy at the same time, but have become close friends. I would rather chew a cinder block than have a 4-second conversation with one of my wife’s former boyfriends.
Chris Harrison teases the appearance of Tierra and they show Tierra backstage, spraying Axe all over herself. Since it’s a super-live studio show, ABC shows a stage hand giving Tierra instructions. It’s a behind-the-scenes look. You’re so fortunate, America. This kind of access is groundbreaking.
Tierra comes out and things get all quiet because everyone hates Tierra. She’s terrible. I feel bad for her. Chris Harrison pleads with the audience to give Tierra a chance to tell her side of the story and I yell out, “Give her a chance!” Harrison says, “Even we couldn’t anticipate how dramatic things would get.” Even though they scientifically studied how dramatic things would get through personality tests and focus groups.
Tierra defends herself, talking about how her light is on when she’s with people who make her comfortable. Please, don’t bother reading that last sentence back and trying to make sense of it. That’s what she says and that is what it means. Tierra explains that she acts awful because Sean gave her the first rose so the other girls hated her. No one in the audience nods approval because Tierra is bad and doesn’t deserve approval. It’s been minutes since someone cheered.
Chris Harrison beats Tierra down for not loving Sean’s other girlfriends and tells her that she’s naturally bad. He asks her why she wasn’t friendly with Sean’s other girlfriends. While Tierra talks, they show us the facial expressions of the other girls. There’s a lot of head shaking. Paramedics stand by, ready to rush in to treat any neck sprains.
Harrison asks Tierra if there’s anything she wants to apologize for and she says ‘No’. The studio audience starts sharpening their pitchforks and lighting torches. Tierra might be murdered soon.
There’s a commercial break so everyone gets a chance to breathe. On the other side, Harrison opens up a forum for the girls to attack Tierra and they attack her. There’s attacking.
AshLee and Tierra talk about a fight they had in St. Croix. There is just so much talking. I don’t follow it. There is too much talking. I paid more attention to my first cell phone contract.
At the end, Tierra apologizes to all of the women for not trying to be friends. She says that everyone can better themselves and I realize that I can better myself, and I promise all of you that I’ll be better.
Chris Harrison brings up how Tierra said she can’t control her eyebrow. Tierra says, “Who cares about my eyebrow” and Harrison says, “America does!” Tierra’s sparkle comes up and Tierra explains how her sparkle is not for bad. It’s for good. I should just type this all in German.
Harrison points out that Tierra is wearing an engagement ring. She’s going to marry a guy who she dated before she went on the show. He asks when. She says, “No comment” and Harrison says, “Really” and she says, “I got engaged in January” which, to be fair, is a comment. The engagement might be a fake. I’ll investigate this accusation. Trust me, America. I won’t sleep until I know whether or not Tierra is really engaged. During the commercial break, I do a Google search, “Is Tierra really engaged?” and the first results says ‘No’, so that’s settled.
We’re back and it’s time for Sarah to sit on the Hot Seat, but it’s not really the Hot Seat because Sarah only has one arm and America loves her. They show a fan in the audience mouths, “She’s my favorite” and my wife and I high-five and I’ve already broken my ‘No High Five’ promise.
Chris Harrison plays the footage of Sarah with one arm getting dumped. America cries. My wife says, “I don’t know why she says that she was born with one arm. She was born with one and three quarters of an arm.” So, my wife and I aren’t talking anymore.
We watch Sarah’s heartbreak all over again as Sarah watches her heartbreak all over again. She’s crying and Chris Harrison just looks at her. He doesn’t say a word. He just looks at her as if to say, “Did that make you sad? You’re not crying a ton. We could really use some dramatic crying here. If you think it would help, we can play the footage of you getting dumped or falling during Roller Derby again.”
Sarah does cry more. She explains how guys only go so far with her in relationships and it’s because she has just one arm. I disagree, but the show is taped so, my opinion doesn’t matter.
Desiree is next on the Hot Seat. The seat is not really hot because, America loves Desiree. The seat is probably warm because Sarah was just sitting on it.
They show Sean and Dez (she’s Dez now) yelling “Hello Canada” and I’m all, “I remember when they yelled Hello to Canada”. We’re reminded of how Dez’ brother ruined her chances with Sean by calling out Sean for dating dozens of women at once. Dez gets to watch herself cry on TV and, once again, Chris Harrison asks her if she likes watching herself get dumped on National T.V.
Chris asks what she’s learned from her Bachelor experience and, surprisingly, she doesn’t say that she’s learned to never again date a guy who is also daring 24 other women on television.
AshLee is next on the Hot Seat. Chris Harrison refuses to ask her why she misspells her name. We get to watch AshLee getting dumped because I have short-term amnesia and can’t remember things that happened 7 days ago…. Where was I? Um… What? Uh. I think…. I think I was recapping something. Oh! The Bachelor! AshLee can’t spell her name and she’s on the Hot Seat and she just got dumped again.
AshLee explains how she is a very reserved person who went on a National TV show, watched by millions of people, to find a husband. Harrison asked her why she stormed off the show without talking. She says that she didn’t talk because she was looking for answers. I’m confused. There's a ton of talking and, I think I've made it abundantly clear how much I hate when AshLee talks.
AshLee claims she’s not in love with Sean anymore. She attacks Sean character and the studio audience is not happy. You do not attack the character of a man willing to take his shirt off constantly.
Sean Lowe is next on the Hot Seat and the studio audience will tell you that it’s Hot because Sean is sitting on it and he’s hot. They’re yelling, and not because the studio is on fire. It’s because they’re all sexually attracted to Sean Lowe. I’d tell you what the studio audience wants to do to Sean Lowe but, it’s none of your business.
Sean is confronted by AshLee. She wants to know why he dumped her, which is always a good question to ask the person who dumped you. Sean explains that he led AshLee on because he was in love with her. He says, “Only on the Bachelor are you going to fall in love with 3 women at once.” I think I see the problem with the Bachelor.
ABC continues to post Tweets from Bachelor fans around the world. I notice that Sean Lowe’s Twitter handle is SeanLowe09, and I can’t believe the Bachelor can’t get dibs on a non-numbered Twitter handle.
Things get uncomfortable… more so. AshLee confronts Sean on telling her that he didn’t have feelings for the other two girls. Sean says, “I never said that” and AshLee says, “Yes, you did”. Sean then says, “I never said that” and AshLee says, “Yes, you did”. This goes on. The audience is quiet because, it appears as if our shirtless hero is not telling the truth. There’s nothing to cheer for. Panic sets in.
ABC keeps the cameras rolling during the commercial and bump back with footage of AshLee and Sean still arguing about whether or not Sean lied to her about having feelings for his other girlfriends. They agree to disagree. It’s stupid. Why can’t they just argue with Facebook posts like everyone else?
Chris Harrison changes the subject by bringing up how Dez (she’s Dez now) was dumped. Dez is all smiles talking with SeanLowe09 and how he dumped her. Dez and Sean are best friends. It makes sense because, girls love the guy who dumped them on TV for one of the other girls they lived in a mansion with.
Chris Harrison sums up the Bachelor by bastardizing Shakespeare, “The best laid plans of Bachelor and Bachelorettes seemed to go off the rails at the wrong times.” Several people at home die of heart attacks.
Next comes bloopers and they’re super hilarious. Camera men fall over and a dog runs into a camera and there’s an attack duck and Sean takes his shirt off and I laugh so hard, I bruise my lower intestine.
We close out the show with preview footage of the final week and ABC pretends like Catherine has a shot in hell of winning. Catherine doesn’t win. Sean says, about Catherine, “She brings out the silly in me” and guys don’t say things like that when talking about the women with whom they want to have a 6-month relationship. There was not one single mention of the Magna Carta.
Lindsay wins the Bachelor Game Show next week. ABC decides that Greg Bauch shouldn’t die quick, so they close out the most dramatic season in Bachelor history with a 3-hour show. Chris Harrison promises that Sean’s journey to find love comes to a dramatic conclusion. There’s a ton of crying… and kissing. I’m going to try to kiss the front of a moving bus.
As the credits roll, ABC gives us 400 pictures of a dog that died, who we were apparently supposed to have loved dearly. I loved you, mystery dog. I can’t believe you’re gone.
Greg Bauch gave Tierra a chance to tell her side of the story.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Did you know that you can’t completely stop your breathing on purpose? Your body will not allow it. You pass out after 3-or-4 minutes, and then, your stupid involuntarily active brain takes control and makes your lungs work again. I know this because I tried to hold my breath forever while shoe shopping with my wife Monday evening, knowing that I still had a 2-hour torture-fest waiting on my DVR when I got home. Did you know that the DSW in the Galleria Mall has 400,093 shoes on display and that none of them please my wife? Did you know that, when you don’t have a cell phone, the only thing to do while shoe shopping is to stand there? Did you know that no one at the DSW store in the Galleria Mall was nice enough to murder me, despite my pleading glares? Did you know any of this?
Sean Lowe is almost a normal human being. He’s down to 3 girlfriends, Catherine, AshLee, and Lindsay. ABC has flown the fun bunch to Si Kao, Thailand so that Sean can have sex with all three of his girlfriends and then dump one of them. Its Fantasy Suite week, baby!
Sean is a huge ‘God’ guy, so it’s not automatically assumed that he’s going to have sex with three women; until you consider his interview with Chris Harrison last week, when Harrison asked Sean if he was going to use the Fantasy Suites to have sex and Sean said “None of your business.” If someone asks me if I’m going to have sex (almost no one does) and I’m not going to have sex, I say, “No”. If someone asks me if I’m going to have sex, and I am, I say, “None of your business”.
We begin this week’s episode of everyone’s favorite Game Show with Sean thinking on a boat. He says, “It’s amazing to think that I’m down to three girls.” It’s more amazing to think about how he’s never contracted pneumonia when he never wears a shirt.
Sean is worried about dumping one of his girlfriends. He’ll feel better when he has sex with them all. Sean does more thinking and they just flash all over the place. It’s hard to keep up. First, Sean is in a hammock. Then, just as I get comfortable with the idea of Sean being in a hammock, Boom! Sean is thinking next to a fountain. We’re four minutes in and I’m already sweating.
ABC rolls out a ton of footage of stuff we’ve already seen because they didn’t do enough of that during their horse-crap interview special last week. Sean talks about his girlfriends with interspersed clips. There are ghosts of past slurpy make-out sessions and memories of Sean taking his shirt off a couple of times.
Two highlights of the re-hash-a-thon:
1. Sean talks about Catherine and how, “We have a romantic connection that is off the charts”. I don’t think that using the phrase ‘off the charts’ is romantic.
2. Sean, on Lindsay, “She’s so much more than the crazy girl in a wedding dress that I met on that first night.”
10 minutes in, ABC has told us 8 times what is about to happen during this episode, but they refuse to actually show us. ABC is a tease.
Lindsay gets the first date. Lindsay is excited because, last week she told Sean that she was falling in love with him and, this week, she’s going to tell Sean that she is in love with him. That’s some week! You just go along, and you’re falling, and then, boom! Love!
Sean doesn’t have laces in his sneakers so, I’m hoping they don’t get attacked by Thailand hoodlums, forcing them to run. It’s very hard to run without laces in your sneakers. Why doesn’t Sean have laces? Is it because he’s on suicide watch? I should be the one in lace less sneakers.
Sean and Lindsay ride a motorcycle go-cart through Thailand. Sean asked Lindsay if she wants to have fun. She says, “Yes, but I won’t eat a bug” so, there will be bug-eating. They pet some painted chickens and learn to say ‘Thank You’ in Thailand talk. They shop on T.V. and it’s super interesting. I love watching shopping so much more than doing it.
Because there are no buildings around to climb, they eat bugs. Lindsay doesn’t want to do it but is inspired by her brave boyfriend. Sean talks about how he wants a fun life, so it’s cool that his future wife won’t refuse to eat bugs with him. They eat chicken feet while Sean tells the camera that this is what he wants in a marriage. I did it for the financial support, but chicken feet are good too.
Next, they sit on a beach and talk, and there’s talking. Then, they make out. It’s loud. It’s about time because I waited, like, 18 minutes. They feed some wild monkeys to prepare each other for a real life together. The sun sets, just in time for more making out. Sean’s shirt came off with no warning. Lindsay still hasn’t told Sean she loves him and I’m tired of waiting. I feel like it will never happen.
They go to a flower boat or something. Are you even still reading?
Sean talks more and my wife thinks that Lindsay is the winner. She says that she can see it in Sean’s eyes. I wasn’t even looking at Sean because his shirt is on. Lindsay is just about to tell Sean that she loves him when a Thailand parade begins. I hate when that happens. People with long fingernails play annoying music and dance. I’m not a big fan of Thailand.
Sean pulls out a sex envelope. Inside, Chris Harrison has penned a written request for Sean and Lindsay to have sex with each other in a fantasy suite. I know they don’t technically have to make sex but, I also know that Sean told America that it’s none of their business. It really is none of my business. I wish this entire show was none of my business.
Lindsay finally says, “I love you” and some Lionel Ritchie type music blasts through the speakers at deafening levels. So, it’s settled. Lindsay loves Sean. Relief washes over my entire body.
AshLee gets the next date. She has only told Sean she loves him 48 times, so we’ll see if she has the guts to tell him a 49th time.
AshLee says, “Words can’t express the overwhelming joy that I have when I’m with him.”, not realizing that she just used words to express that joy. AshLee loves that ABC has Sean take her on so many adventures.
AshLee gets a boat ride to some remote rock islands and I’m guessing Lindsay will be jealous watching this from home after being forced to eat crickets.
AshLee and Sean are going to swim through a cave to get to a private beach on which they will make out. AshLee lets us know how much she isn’t looking forward to this by saying, “I don’t do caves.” Then, she compares swimming through a cave to falling in love and I throw my remote control on the ground. This show is ridiculously stupid.
AshLee talks about how she’s scared to go through a cave because she was abandoned when she was a child. While, that must have been tough, she needs to shut up. Just swim through the cave. Not everything is about your childhood. She uses more analogies than you can shake a stick at.
They swim through their boring cave of boredom. AshLee isn’t even really scared. You can’t understand what they’re saying because ABC didn’t properly mic the cave.
To compensate, ABC ups the drama with music that you would use as a Soundtrack for a murdering spree. It’s scary because, it’s just Sean and AshLee alone in a cave with a life preserver, a floatation device, some tour guides, some Emergency responders, 3 camera men, and a small production crew. They’re all alone… like AshLee… when she was a child.
They make it to the other side of the cave and make out. Sean compares swimming in a cave to falling in love. AshLee tells us all how she’s a new person because she swam. I now hate AshLee. HATE her. I’m so sick of her talking. I don’t care how much she’s suffered because she obviously doesn’t care about how much I have to suffer while listening to her gush over a man who she’s known for a month and who is dating 2 other women. AshLee is an idiot.
ABC somehow makes it rain while they’re making out. Unless, it was God who made it rain because he’s excited about all of the sex his buddy Sean will soon be having.
AshLee says, “Every part of my being loves Sean.” I guess even the part of her being that makes her need to pee loves Sean. She loves Sean with her kidneys and her teeth.
They sit in their Thailand hut and say nice things about each other. It’s sappy. They talk about being engaged and how being engaged means that they’ll spend the rest of their lives together. They must not read People magazine. I spend that time trying to figure out what is written on AshLee’s necklace. It’s a gold word, but I can’t figure out what it says. I’ve narrowed it down to ‘Impact’, ‘Gypsyest’, or ‘Quisp’. If she has the name of a cereal that only three people have heard of around her neck, I might like her again.
Sean pulls out Chris Harrison’s sex invitation and hands it to AshLee. AshLee is nervous about their love shack encounter. Sean assures her that they’ll just talk all night. Lindsay is worried about how it’ll come across, but she agrees to spend the night with Sean. What they do next is none of your business.
Catherine gets the next date. She’s getting dumped by Sean soon, so I’ll try to pay close attention to everything she says.
They take a boat ride and talk about how silly they are together. It’s true. They’re ridiculously silly. I’m having trouble typing because I’ve got the giggles. You should see these two. It’s adorable.
They talk and, there’s talking. Catherine’s wine glass is big enough to keep a nurse shark. The topic turns to real stuff like life and things get real. Catherine wants Sean to know she’s ready to get married and says, “My best friend is married, so I can tell her anything.” I didn’t know that happened when you got married. No one tells me anything. They make out.
Catherine and Sean jump off of their boat into the ocean. Before they jump off of the boat, Catherine makes a point about how she’s ready to jump into love. I hope that every Producer in charge of this show is currently afflicted with a skin rash. Catherine and Sean snorkel.
Catherine is nervous because she hasn’t told Sean she loves him and the Game Show is almost over. It’s like she doesn’t even want to win.
The sex invitation is next. Catherine has values and morals that prevent her from being completely comfortable accepting Chris Harrison’s sex invitation, but not uncomfortable making out with a guy who’s lips still smell of the other two women he just made out with.
Sean admires Catherine’s traditional values. He’s excited to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite to do “None of your Business”. Catherine accepts Chris Harrison’s sex invitation. They make out.
The dates are over, the sex has been had and, it’s time to dump a girlfriend. While contemplating who to dump, Sean fixes his hair with his shirt off in front of the mirror. Luckily, a camera records it all. It’s a good 12 seconds of hair fixin’. This man is focused.
Chris Harrison, who worked his ass off last week with that super long interview, digs deep for another heart-to-heart with Sean. Harrison is a laborer. He wrote three sex invitations and now has another interview. He’s like the Lou Gehrig of dating shows. (Sports quota filled) I wonder if, someday, there will be a ‘Chris Harrison’ disease.
Sean tells Chris Harrison that he’s found his wife and will propose at the end of the season, without mentioning how much pressure ABC has put on him to propose to one of his girlfriends. Sean knows who he has to dump this week, but still has to sit through three video messages from his girlfriends. They each beg Sean not to dump him.
After the commercial, Sean says that he thinks he knows who he’s sending home, 3 minutes after telling Chris Harrison that he KNEW who he was sending home. Which is it, Chris? Do you know, or do you think you know? I don’t think Sean is here for the right reasons.
The video messages are stupid. The show is stupid, so it’s all relative, but there are levels of stupid. This level is orange. AshLee doesn’t even make it through her stupid video without crying. A major television network doesn’t bother to show us the edited version without all of the snot and tears. We quickly learn why.
The cameras cut to Sean with a super pained look on his face. ABC is trying to tell us that he’s going to send AshLee home. Those tricksters! No way he is sending AshLee home. He’s sending Catherine home. It’s classic Bachelor misdirection. I take back that ‘skin rash’ thing, Bachelor Producers. You guys are hilariously trickstery.
It’s raining for the rose ceremony and Sean says it’s raining because he’s about to dump someone. Sean is not aware of how weather works. Chris Harrison warns the girls that one of them is about to be dumped. Sean walks in to dump one. He’s wearing a suit coat with a handkerchief in the pocket. You don’t really see handkerchiefs anymore. I guess if I was a guy who was constantly dumping girlfriends, I would keep a handkerchief handy.
Sean tells the girls about how he got dumped on his Bachelor journey with Emily Maynard at this point in the show and just how painful it was. Then, he dumps AshLee. Boom! Sean doesn’t do it fast. It takes 8 minutes. It’s a grueling 8 minutes. ABC’s dramatic music CD almost ran out.
AshLee is not happy about being dumped. She storms out (IT’S STORMY OUTSIDE! OMG!) AshLee doesn’t want Sean to explain himself.
He apologizes for dumping her. Sean gives a long-winded explanation about connections and pain. AshLee says, “Alright” and then gets into the dump mobile.
She’s acts kind of psychotic. AshLee turns around in the back seat of her dump mobile somehow and cries, making it hard for cameras to capture her dumpedness.
AshLee says that this wasn’t a silly game to her. To clarify, a girl who signed up to be on a show where a man dates 25 women, takes them to milk goats and polar bear plunge, makes out with one of them for 4 minutes straight, climbs down buildings with them, has them roller derby, and constantly plays jokes on them like convincing them they’ve broken priceless pieces of art, wasn’t into silly games. It’s good to know. I would not have wanted AshLee’s integrity to have been challenged.
AshLee is pretty mad. It’s a good thing she didn’t have sex with Sean in a Fantasy Suite dressed up by a television network with candles and pillows. She did spend a considerable amount of time telling Sean her ring size and gushing to a camera about how much she loved him. I hope she wasn’t in a bar with a lot of people watching this episode back. There would be a lot of whistling people in that bar.
Sean is sad and sits in front of a fountain again to be sad. I think it’s the same fountain he sat at to think about who to dump but, I’m not sure. I’ve never been to Thailand. Sean is sad, though. You see it. He sits there with his hands clasped and acts sad. It’s still raining and now I understand love.
As the credits roll, Catherine and Sean do math and giggle. Next week is the worst thing on Earth. It’s the ‘Women Tell All’ episode. Why does everyone involved with this show feel the need to constantly tell all? Don’t tell all. Tell nothing.
My wife did eventually find shoes. They were on sale. Thank you so much for asking.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
I recap the Bachelor, and I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. Who is Sean? What’s a rose? Who can’t control their eyebrow? I’m not sure. Luckily, ABC hates America enough to roll out a special 1-hour ‘Tell All’ interview, featuring everyone’s favorite rose-count warner, Chris Harrison and everyone’s favorite shirtless guy, Sean Lowe. I said I wasn’t going to recap this mess, but I also tell cashiers that there is only one muffin in my deli bag (Attn. Recap Insiders: There are 2 muffins inside of my deli bag!)
Chris Harrison calls tonight’s show a very special ‘Tell All’ episode. Chris Harrison has a different definition of ‘special’ than me. I think special means ‘Not the worst thing ever’. Chris Harrison thinks that ‘special’ means ‘something unspecial you’ve already watched before’. I think Chris Harrison’s definition of special is stupid.
Chris Harrison says that Sean is going to “tell all”. I hope he tells me why Major League Baseball won’t let me watch Pirate games in Buffalo. (Sports quota filled… also, I can re-use old jokes if ABC is just going to repeat crap.)
The good news about this recap is that you don’t actually have to read it. I didn’t have to watch this episode. I’ve already watched it. You already read about it. There is no new content. Chris and Sean just sat down and played clips. It’s like the ‘Family Ties’ where the Keaton family sat on the couch and talked about past episodes. There was a Kangaroo in my living room. Sorry about putting the ‘Family Ties’ theme in your head. I’ve been drinking.
We begin with Chris Harrison and Sean Lowe in a dark room. They are in suits and sitting in front of a raging fire and 4,000 candles. I’m sure that warmth is welcome considering they’re in the frigid climate of Los Angeles, California. Chris Harrison says, “It’s hard to believe we’re back here”. I don’t really understand what he means. If he means that it’s hard to believe this network would sink so low as to roll out a clip show and call it ‘very special’ then, yes, that’s a bit hard to believe. If he means that it’s hard to believe that they’re back in L.A. and talking about Sean’s journey instead of being sucked into the depths of Hell by the Devil for constantly torturing husbands with their bullshit program then, yes, that’s also a bit hard to believe.
“I had no idea I’d develop such strong feelings for 3 different women”. - Sean Lowe on his Bachelor journey. It’s also my yearbook quote.
First, they talk about Sean dumping Desiree. Chris Harrison calls Desiree a fan favorite. They show Sean dumping Desiree and then they talk about it. I had a good idea how Sean felt about dumping Desiree because he just told me last night when I watched it happen. Then, I recapped it. Now, I’m recapping that recap. This is how it must feel to be in quicksand except, at least quicksand kills you.
Anyway, Sean continues to tell all. ABC shows the footage of Desiree’s brother being mean to Sean. Again, this is all fresh in my mind and I didn’t really need this very special episode, but I’m not the President of ABC. He or she knows best. I hope they are also in front of a fire, or possibly in it.
As we watch Sean have his character attacked by Desiree’s brother, Sean tells Chris Harrison that he had to restrain himself from fighting. He says, ”Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m the furthest thing from a playboy”. Even if you don’t think you’re technically a playboy, you should probably stay away from saying “furthest thing”. I think the furthest thing from a playboy would be a guy who was dating zero women, not 25 of them. I think someone who was far from being a playboy would typically have zero minutes of shirtless video aired on a National television broadcast, not hundreds of minutes of shirtless footage. I’m pretty sure a guy who was far from being a playboy would not make out with 6 women in one evening. The furthest thing from a playboy is currently playing ‘Call of Duty’ in his Mom’s basement while screaming at some kid on a headset and jamming Pizza Rolls past his green teeth. He’s not sitting on a hill with his girlfriend drinking wine and making out.
We are treated to some new, unreleased footage where Dez’s brother (she’s Dez for a second) actually laughed with Sean and said that he liked him. It’s unclear why Dez’s brother turned the tides. I’m guessing a Producer handed him an envelope, but I’m cynical.
Sean says that he isn’t sure if Dez’s brother ruined her chances of keeping her on the show. Thanksgiving should be fun at the Dez house. Sean says that he has all of the respect in the World for Dez, leaving no additional respect for our armed forces or pediatric surgeons.
Commercial break side note: Splash? Seriously? Just celebrities jumping into a pool? That’s a T.V. show? We couldn’t make those celebrities hand out blankets to homeless people or chase bears? If I find out that any one of you watched ‘Splash’, we’re not friends anymore.
We’re back from commercial and there is so much talking that it’s hard to keep up but, Chris Harrison is back in front of the fire with Sean and they’ve moved on to Sarah with one arm. Sean says that Sarah seemed so smart. I would beg to differ on that, but I’m not the Bachelor.
They re-hash ABC’s one-armed jump off of a building. They show Sean and Sarah talking. They show Sarah fall down 12 times while roller skating. Chris Harrison points out how Sarah wanted to fall down 12 times while roller skating and Sean agrees. Chris Harrison calls Sarah a fan favorite.
They show Sean kissing Sarah while not looking down at her nub. Then, they show Sean dumping her and her snot-filled goodbye. Again, I watched this all before and it is surprisingly less interesting the second time around.
Sean admits that he dumped Sarah because of her kiss. That should make her feel better watching from home. “Hey, dateless! I didn’t dump you because you had one arm. I dumped you because your kiss reminded me of a lifeless lump of mashed potatoes”. That ought to boost her self-esteem.
Chris Harrison says that, “Women that leave this show have learned a lot about themselves”. I think he’s right. I think that they learn that it’s probably not a good idea to look for love in a place where 24 other women are looking and, if you do want to fish in that pond, don’t tell the fisherman that his other fish are out of their minds. That’s a lesson from which we all can learn.
There is more repeat footage of big-boobed Selma, the Iraqi and Leslie the girl that kissed Sean for 4 minutes. The entire episode, ABC pops up tweets from viewers on the bottom of the screen. They refused to put up my tweet about Jochen Hecht. That questions my integrity. The tweets are all very nice and supportive of Sean. There’s nothing about how filthy this program is or how this super nice guy is going to have sex with a girl and then dump her next week.
Leslie’s recap is next. They show the slurpy-good kiss with Leslie. Seam says, “The chemistry was there, it was apparent and I think America felt it.” I felt the chemistry… in my pants. There is more unreleased footage of Sean and Leslie eating a brownie and talking dirty. I did not make that up. Chris Harrison calls Leslie a fan favorite. Sean admits that he may have kept Leslie if she told him that she loved him. It’s nice for her that she now gets to live the rest of her life full of regret. Good thing Sean is telling all.
The next commercial break features a Taco Bell chef showing how hard she and the Taco Bell crew worked to perfect their Cantina Steak Burrito and I’ll bet the 16-year old kids in the Taco Bells around the world will risk their lives to uphold that sacred integrity.
Chris Harrison and Sean are back in their chairs to continue to tell all. I can’t believe they’re going to fit it in an hour-long program. Tierra is the next topic. It’s pointless because we’ve already seen this but, again, I’m not in charge here. There is terrible Tierra footage and yelling and Sean says that he feels stupid for falling for Tierra’s game. I’m guessing it had something to do with her chest.
Chris Harrison brings up the criticism he’s read that Tierra is planted, and he and Sean laugh off the notion that Tierra’s place on the show was fake or forced. Chris Harrison fails to point out that his production crew purposely seeks out unstable personalities to build drama and then puts these personalities into situations with opposite personalities in an attempt to get everyone to cry. It’s not mentioned. I thought Sean was telling all!
There’s more footage and talking. They show some drunk girl. They show a girl roll up into a ball and sit in a wheel. The girl who always looked like she was trying to hold food in her mouth did a Chris Harrison impression. I think about punching a hole through my television until I consider how much better this show is than the Sabres game.
Sean finally starts telling all when Chris Harrison brings up the Fantasy Suite dates next week. Harrison hints at how America assumes there will be sex things going on in said suites. Sean does not tell all. He avoids the question. Harrison, always the professional, rephrases his sexy question and says, “You know the expectation for the overnight date. There’s a chance to be physical. What do you say to that?” Sean says, “I say, it’s really none of your business”, to which Harrison says, “A gentleman to the end”. So, to recap, when a host asks you if you’re going to sleep with 3 women and then dump one of them, and you say that it’s none of their business, you’re being a gentleman… to the end.
They end the show by previewing the rest of the season and they make it look like Sean dies in a cave and then gets left at the altar by the girl he chooses to be engaged to for six months. We know, of course, that these things don’t happen but, not because Sean told us that. He’s terrible at telling all.
While the credits roll, ABC plays porn music and shows us 3 solid minutes of Sean in the shower. I seriously wish I was kidding.
The worst show in television history hit a new low point on Monday night. It’s one thing to bring aboard Drama Queens and cattle prod them to act horrible and make other women cry, it’s another to stage a fight to make a tedious episode somewhat interesting. It wasn’t interesting. It was terrible.
The Bachelor churns out terrible like Milwaukee churns out beer. And, unfortunately for us all, there is no ‘Bachelor’ Lite. Its 80 proof Bachelor. I’m already drunk with hate.
Another season of The Bachelor is coming to a close. Sean Lowe has four girlfriends left and will meet their families tonight. I’m not sure how he will be able to continue to build connections without climbing down a wall of rock with his girlfriends or watching them canoe. I mean, who sits down to dinner and talks to the family of someone they could potentially marry? I don’t see the sense in it.
Desiree, Catherine, Lindsay and AshLee remain as contestants on America’s favorite Game Show. My computer still doesn’t know how to spell AshLee. Sean will go to their homes for some televised bonding.
AshLee gets the first visit in Texas. She’s an orphan, so Sean will meet her adopted family and her dog. Before going to AshLee’s house, the couple drinks alcohol on a blanket in a park, because that’s what Bachelors do.
AshLee is excited to show off her boyfriend to her family. She says, “To bring home this man, I’ve been excited about this for as far back as I can remember”. I can remember some things that happened to me when I was 3 or 4, it would have been a bit creepy if she brought Sean home then. She continues, “Here I am, about to introduce this man that I have fallen into love with to my family”. Who says, “Into love with”? You don’t fall into love, you fall in love. You fall INTO a well.
AshLee and Sean have a ton in common. They’re both on television. They both have abs. Both of their fathers are preachers and, I’m sure, proud of their kids for their hot, ripped abbedness. AshLee re-hashes her horrible childhood with her hand on Sean’s leg, very close to his crotch. I get a little misty. AshLee is nice, but she talks like she’s reciting the pledge of allegiance and hasn’t memorized it yet.
She says, “I have never met someone that I was madly in love with”. I do that constantly. I’m madly in love with, at least, six people reading this sentence.
AshLee’s dad is Dick Butkus. They eat at a table in the middle of their yard. It’s weird. They talk and there’s talking. AshLee tells the polar bear plunge story from Canada and compares jumping into a 33 degree lake to falling in love. She doesn’t touch on the part where a dozen other girls were also half-naked and swimming with Sean in the near-frozen, liquid love metaphor.
Her Mom pulls Sean aside to ask if he is going to break AshLee’s heart. Sean says, “I don’t plan to.” I get misty again. AshLee’s Mom wants someone to guard and protect AshLee. She needs to go pull Casey Mumbles off of Vienna. If you don’t know who that is, it’s not really worth explaining.
Sean asks AshLee’s Dad if he can marry AshLee. AshLee’s Dad is wearing jeans so, of course he says ‘yes’. AshLee’s Dad tells the camera that he thinks Sean would make a good son-in-law from what he knows about him. It’s a good point. He has known him for an entire meal.
Sean’s Dad talks about adopting AshLee and how he fell in love with her and he’s crying and AshLee’s crying and everyone is crying and I’m crying and if AshLee doesn’t win I’m going to hitchhike to Sean’s house and punch him in his throat.
Sean flies to Seattle next to hook up with Catherine. He hugs her and my wife says, “She’s not gonna win”. They walk around Seattle first so ABC can show us guys who throw fish. The fish guys make Sean catch a fish and he catches it and my wife and I kick over our coffee table and head butt each other.
Catherine is next in line to catch a fish. I get nervous because, if she drops this fish, it’s going to hit the ground. The Seattle fish guys throw it. She drops it. The Seattle fish guys are a forgiving sort so, they do it again and she catches it. This show is such an adrenaline rush. I feel like I’ve just snorted a line of coke.
They do romantic things like chew gum and stick it to a giant wall of used bubble gum that just looks about the most disgusting thing in America. It’s like a Herpes wall.
After putting their fingers on the Herpes wall, they hug Catherine’s family. There are giant glasses of wine and snacks. Sean helped make dinner and did push-ups on the living room floor. I can’t believe you read down this far. Catherine says, “I did not expect Sean to get along so well with my family”. I guess she thought he would just sit on the couch and check his phone all night.
The preview footage made it look as if Catherine’s sisters were going to act awful and ruin her evening. Instead, they just asked her four questions. It wasn’t very dramatic. I miss the gum wall. The sisters talk to Sean next. The one sister tells Sean that Catherine, “goes in 100% with guys” and I say, “Hell yeah!” because, get some.
There’s a lot more talking. You guys should just really watch the show so I don’t have to type all of this. Catherine’s Mom kind of looks like Stefan Mychajliw. Sean asks her Mom if he can marry Catherine. She doesn’t say yes. It’s clear that Catherine will not be rubbing abs with Sean in far-away, exotic hot tubs. Sean is pretty respectful. He would not have sex with a girl in a Fantasy Suite unless he had a mother’s permission.
So far, the show kind of sucks. It’s not that I didn’t expect it to suck. It’s just the reality of the situation. You don’t go to a co-ed wedding shower expecting to have fun. You go to a co-ed wedding shower and pray to God that a support beam holding up the building breaks so everyone has to evacuate and the co-ed wedding shower ends.
Next up, Sean drives an SUV to Fort Wood in Missouri to meet Lindsay. Luckily, ABC cameras are planted in the SUV to capture how excited he is to meet Lindsay when he says, “I’m so excited to meet Lindsay”. I wouldn’t have believed how excited Sean was to meet Lindsay if I couldn’t see the excited expression on his face. Good job ABC.
ABC sends Sean to the army base because they needed something to make this episode interesting. Bachelor Producers know, army Dads are scary Dads. They’re not sending Sean to a Call Center.
First Lindsay and Sean walk around the town and talk and I start sweating over how exhilarating it all is. They buy a cupcake. Sean says, “I love cupcakes”. Then he tells the cameras how ready he thinks Lindsay is to get married. They go outside and Sean does a bunch of push-ups. I’m not kidding.
Lindsay’s Dad is a General. I’m disappointed when I learn that he is not a cartoon General who sells car insurance. They drive up to the base. There are soldiers doing push-ups. I’ve never watched this much push-up action on TV before. Hopefully, this push-up craze will replace the Vampire craze.
At Lindsay’s house, they talk about stuff. Lindsay’s Mom pulls Sean aside to talk more. She asks if he’s falling in love with Lindsay. Shawn says, “Not yet”. Lindsay’s Mom tells the camera that she’s glad Sean is being honest. She must be thrilled that he’s also dating 3 other girls.
The meeting with the Dad is next. ABC plays, ‘Sean is about to meet a big, mean Dad’ music. It turns out General Dad is a big teddy bear. He’s General Teddy Bear. He just doesn’t want his daughter to be hurt. Then, Sean asks General Dad if he has permission to marry Lindsay. The music gets darker and more dramatical. Dad compares the question to jumping out of planes. Then, he says, ‘Yes’, kind of. It’s a long-winded military metaphor. I’m not really sure what happened. It’s clear though that General Teddy Bear likes Sean.
Can you imagine watching your wife go through labor, raising your child, providing her with everything she needs, worrying about her every day and every night, and then having the Bachelor ask your permission to marry her on camera? I would shoot lasers out of my eyes and melt Sean Lowe, then use the ‘Sean Lowe’ puddle of goo to caulk my shower.
The Lindsay hometown date goes well. Outside, in the driveway, Lindsay tells Sean that she’s falling in love with him. She really should have done that weeks ago, but Lindsay likes to take things slow. She’ll get a rose. I’m guessing she gets to have sex with Sean!
The date with Desiree is next. Sean travels to L.A. via push-up. They go for a walk in L.A. and then sit and talk on a hill. Why do you read this?
There isn’t a lot of filler before Desiree takes Sean home because they needed to save room for all of the dramatic things that are about to happen. Seriously guys, if you don’t like drama, don’t read these next couple of paragraphs.
What happens next is stupid. Sean and Desiree are in her apartment. ABC knew how boring their show is, so they staged a fake fight with an ex-boyfriend. It is not a real fight, so don’t freak out.
An ABC camera is in position to capture a man approaching Desiree’s house. This man knocks on Desiree’s door in an age where people do not simply drop by other people’s houses without texting them 17 times before hand, and on the exact night ABC just happens to be taping Sean’s family date with Desiree.
Desiree answers the door and is SHOCKED, to discover her ex-boyfriend despite the fact that there are 3 different cameras in perfect position to capture the encounter and the surprise visitor is wearing a lavaliere microphone so viewers can hear when he whispers.
Desiree’s ex-boyfriend, who acts as well as an 11-year old in an Annie production, tells Desiree that he’s angry she won’t return his texts. Desiree says she’s been busy dating a guy who is dating other girls. Ex-boyfriend tells Desiree that he loves her.
Sean is angry and the camera zooms in on her balled-up fist. The music is perfect for fighting. Just as this ex-boyfriend is about to push Sean too far, Desiree confesses that it’s all a big prank. She was getting even with Sean for goofing on her earlier in the season. It’s a goof. I missed a couple of minutes of the show because I passed out from laughing so hard. ABC set up the perfect fake fight to get Sean good.
They go to Dez’s house and everyone is all smiles. Dez tells her family that she milked a goat. Her Father hugs Sean and tells the camera that he’d make a great son.
We all think we’re safe now but, the real drama begins. Desiree’s brother is super skeptical. He’s going to make the most of his appearance on television. He’s a tough guy. He tells Dez (she’s Dez now) that he doesn’t think this TV dating thing is going to work. Although Dez’s brother is being painted as a bad guy here, I tend to agree with him.
Dez’s brother pulls Sean aside to be mean. The music is back to ‘storm clouds’. They sit on some steps and Dez’s brother tells Sean he doesn’t believe Sean is into his sister. He says, “There’s just not that connection”. I’m not sure how he sees this but I keep watching. Sean tells the brother that he’s crazy about Dez (she’s Dez now). Dez’s brother says, “You’re crazy about a lot of girls”. Which, to be fair, is completely true.
Dez’s brother calls Sean a playboy which is just spot-on. Sean tries to clear his good name, despite the fact that we’re into week 8 of a season of television that has shown him make out with 25 girls.
There's an awkward silence and, again, Sean attempts to clear his good name. Dez's brother tells Sean he's full of it. They agree to disagree. It’s dramatic. I really like Dez's brother.
Dez (she’s Dez now) yells at her brother for being 100% correct. They eat an awkward dinner. Sean tells the camera that he’s having doubts about Dez. ‘Doubts about Dez’ would be a great band name.
There’s a half-hour of show left and all of the dates are done. ABC has time to squeeze in footage of Sean getting dressed and then thinking on a mountain. Chris Harrison sits down with Sean for an interview. They recap the show we just watched. Sean tells Chris Harrison that he’s narrowed down his cut to either Catherine or Dez (She’s Dez now). Sean says he’s not confident that he’ll make the right decision. Chris Harrison shakes his hand and leaves so Sean can stare at pictures of his girlfriends and decide who to dump.
The Rose Ceremony is next. Sean gives a speech about family. Family is important to Sean. He’s not the kind of guy who hates family. I think each and every person watching this show will agree that Sean values family.
Before the dumping begins, Desiree pulls Sean aside to talk. There are subtitles, despite the fact that she’s speaking English. She apologizes for her brother. She cries. Sean hugs her. It’s President’s Day.
Sean gets down to the last rose but he can’t decide. He walks out on the Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison scurries after him for support. He tells Sean to take his time. Chris Harrison says, “My advice to you? Get this right.”
“My advice to you? Get this right." - Chris Harrison, advice giver
Sean sends Desiree home (She’s no longer Dez). Desiree hugs Sean’s other girlfriends and says goodbye. Sean walks her out. She’s made it pretty far so, she gets to sit on a bench and get an explanation for being dumped. Sean tells her that he thinks he might be making a mistake. She agrees. Desiree says, “I love you 100%. Not even 99. 100%” I give her a lot of credit for not saying 110%.
Desiree gets in the limo for a nice 4-minute snot-fest. She’s probably going to go home to talk to her brother.
During the credits, Sean and Lindsay eat cupcakes. It’s so cute, I promise to never do anything wrong.
ABC hates me so they’re going to have Chris Harrison interview Sean tomorrow night for an hour. I’m not going to recap it. I’m warning you right now, don’t email me or Tweet at me, and ask, “Where’s the recap?” It doesn’t exist. There will be no recap of that stupid, 1-hour, ‘Are you a virgin’ interview. Do you understand? NO RECAP! I won’t recap it. I’m gonna watch hockey.
Please check back tomorrow for Greg Bauch’s full recap of Chris Harrison’s special 1-hour interview with the Bachelor, Sean Lowe.