Monday, February 9, 2015

Bachelor Recap has moved

If you regularly read my Bachelor recaps at this space, thank you. They still exist, although I can no longer post them in my blog for some reason. Please visit here to continue to read them in all of their bitter splendor.
Greg Bauch
P.S.- Keep up!

Monday, February 2, 2015

Bachelor Recap - Breathing on People and Dead Husbands

It’s Groundhog Day, which is fitting because recapping ‘The Bachelor’ for 12 years will make you feel like you’re living in an unending, unchanging hell for eternity. Chris Soules is still looking for love and he’s dumped a bunch of girlfriends in an attempt to have just one girlfriend for awhile. It’s a bold strategy. Let’s see if it pays off.

The announcer guy starts by telling us that the show is about to explode. If only. The preview footage promises hot air balloons, real feelings, use of the word “connecting”, dramatic music, tears, threats, and Bachelor paramedics! Dig in, y’all!

Chris the Farmer walks around Santa Fe, New Mexico while talking about how Santa Fe, New Mexico is the perfect place to fall in love. When you’re the Bachelor, you have to be prepared to walk around while being filmed and talking about how the place you’re currently in is the perfect place to fall in love. Chris the Farmer walks like he has a pole up his butt, according to my wife.

The girls are told they’re going to Santa Fe and act like they’re going somewhere exciting. They all tell the camera that they are all falling for Chris the Farmer. We watch it.

Carly gets the first one-on-one date. The date card says, “Let’s come together.” They must be going to a Beatles concert. Are they still together?

Chris the Farmer likes Carly. He says, “She’s funny, witty and she makes me smile.” Those are all the same thing, Chris the Farmer. All you have to do to be perfect to Chris the Farmer is be a Bazooka Joe comic.

Some kind of meditation woman named Tziporah is camped out in a New Mexican villa. She helps Chris the Farmer and Carly get in touch with their spiritual side. We could all stand to get more in touch with our spiritual side, you guys.

Spirit woman burns sage and does spirit things like chanting. They all breathe. We watch people breathe. It happens for about 3 minutes. Spirit woman wears big feather earrings and all I can think about is how much those would make my shoulders itch.

Carly blindfolds Chris the Farmer and feeds him fruit. I miss the breathing part. The blindfold isn’t even really covering his eyes. Carly touches Chris the Farmer and smells him. She awkwardly feeds him a strawberry and it gets all over his face. I am 100% confident that no one is reading this sentence. There’s no way you got past the breathing part. I’m so sure no one is reading this that I feel safe posting my pin number. It’s is 3242.

Carly and Farmer take their shirts off while spirit woman tells them to do stuff to each other. I feel bad for anyone watching this with their parents in the room. Carly gets uncomfortable when asked to take off Chris the Farmer’s pants. She asks if she can not take off Chris the Farmer’s pants and he gives her permission not to take off his pants.
Instead of taking their pants off, Spirit woman makes them talk instead. They talk and there’s talking. It’s about love and vulnerability. I hate this show.

They’re told to hold each other and breathe on each other without kissing. That really happens. They breathe on each other. Hopefully, no one had tuna. This show has reached a new low. Even though they are told not to kiss, they do. This show has no rules! Well, the show had a rule but they broke it.

Back at the mansion, Kelsey tells everyone the story of her husband dying from congestive heart failure. The rest of the girls don’t believe that she’s sincere about having a dead husband. This show… seriously. Kelsey wants to have a one-on-one date to tell Chris the Farmer that she’s a widow. She doesn’t get a one-on-one date, so she’s going to compensate by acting crazy. I’m excited.

Back to Carly’s one-on-one date. Keep up! Carly and Chris the Farmer eat on a couch or something. Bachelor interns have lit 30,000 candles and a roaring fire to set the mood. It looks like the room is on fire. Carly talks about her last relationship in which her boyfriend didn’t want to touch her. She should have sent her boyfriend to the Spirit woman. They could have breathed on each other.

Carly talks about being insecure and ugly. Chris the Farmer nods a bunch. He’s wearing a jacket in a room with 30,001 fires burning. There’s no way he doesn’t have pit stains. The couch they’re sitting on has about a dozen pillows. Chris the Farmer talks about his farming job and how he’s not good enough. This entire date has been the most uncomfortable thing ever. It’s like jamming pink insulation fiber in my eyes and ears. Chris the Farmer gives Carly a rose and they make out. We watch it.

The group date is next. Nine women join Chris Soules for river rafting. There is absolutely no way you can know for sure if a woman is right for you unless you take her river rafting with eight other women.

Megan is worried about alligators. Some River Ranger guy drops by to tell all of the girls that there’s a good chance they’ll die while river rafting. Fingers crossed.

Next, we get a bunch of rafting footage. There’s paddling and rapids and screaming, in that order. Sports quota filled. The girls get wet. Keep up! Jade falls out of the raft and dies. Wait, she lives. She survived. They brought her back into the raft while blacking out her crotch. Twelve years of women jumping into rafts and down buildings but they’ve never blacked out crotches until this season. Why are blacked-out crotches “in” this year? Why don’t you guys ever answer my questions?

Jade has poor circulation so Chris the Farmer rubs her feet so she doesn’t die. Kelsey is really mad because she doesn’t have poor circulation and doesn’t get a foot rub. They are showing a lot of Kelsey this week and, I gotta say, I really hate her.

After rafting, the group gathers at a place with couches, candles and alcohol. They’re always going to places like this.

Before Chris the Farmer can meet his girlfriends at the couch place, Jordan walks in and stops him. Jordan was dumped in week 2. She drove all the way from Colorado to Santa Fe because she doesn’t think she gave the process a shot. She’s looking for a second chance. She drank a bunch and acted goofy. I remember liking her, but I always like the drunk ones.

Chris the Farmer considers giving Jordan a second chance. It’s considery. They chat. We watch it. It happens. Chris the Farmer walks Jordan into the couch place and presents her to the rest of his girlfriends. His other girlfriends act happy to see Jordan. They all get points for that.

Ashley I. doesn’t like Jordan. She says that Jordan isn’t a lady. Ashley I. should know what a real lady is. Real ladies are virgins who suck the faces off of farmers in tents. Ashley I. tells Chris the Farmer how much different Jordan is. She tells Chris the Farmer that Jordan is here for the wrong reasons. Boom. You don’t do that. You don’t tell the Bachelor who is here for what reasons. That’s a great way to get dumped, based on past wrong-reasonedness conversations on the show.

Chris the Farmer takes all of his girlfriends aside and asks them each what they think of the fact that he brought in another girlfriend for them to compete with. Could you even imagine this world? The girls all take it well, but state their displeasure. It’s displeasurey.

With Chris the Farmer in the other room, the girls discuss the strategy of admitting that they want Jordan to leave. Whitney doesn’t want to kick Jordan to the curb because she’s a good person who doesn’t like bad people. Whitney is a lot like Abraham Lincoln. I’ve always thought that. Jade recovers from her poor circulation problems to tell Chris the Farmer that she’s not comfortable with Jordan’s return. Jade is a hero.

Back at the mansion, Britt waits for her one-on-one date card with Carly. Carly is super happy for Britt to take her boyfriend out for a date. It’s endearing. The date card mentions that “the sky’s the limit” and Britt freaks out because she’s afraid of the sky and heights. Britt cries. You guys cried too, admit it.

I love these producers:
“So, what is your biggest fear? Heights? Great, here’s a date on top of the Space Needle!”

Back to the group date. Keep up! Chris the Farmer can tell that his nine girlfriends are upset about the extra girlfriend. He brings the 10th girlfriend, Jordan, aside to dump her again. He dumps her. It’s not like she drove from Colorado or anything. Jordan thanks Chris the Farmer for dumping her and talks about how much integrity he showed in dumping her a second time. That really happened.

After she thanks Chris the Farmer for dumping her, she goes out to say goodbye to the rest of the girlfriends. They all smile and hug Jordan seconds after saying bad things about her. It’s back-stabby. The girls are happy that it’s back down to nine girls. Ten girls is just too many girls for one date. Nine girls is the perfect date. Megan cries about Jordan getting dumped, or something. What am I doing with my life?

Chris the Farmer gives Whitney the group date rose because she’s a nice person. See, you guys?!!! Being a nice person is a good thing! Be good people, jerks!

Chris the Farmer notices how much his other girlfriends hated that he gave a rose to one of his other girlfriends. It’s almost like these girls don’t want to date a guy dating other women. Some people are so immature.

Ashley I. freaks out and swears and stuff. Whitney doesn’t like Ashley I. Ashley I. doesn’t like Whitney. It’s dramatic. There’s drama. We watch it.

Britt’s one-on-one date is next. I’m super nervous because Britt is afraid of the sky and there’s going to be sky stuff. Chris the Farmer arrives early and surprises Britt in bed while she’s sleeping. He brings a couple of cameras. It’s rapey and creepy. It’s a super big surprise. Good thing Britt wore makeup to bed. On a side note, Britt sleeps in a bed with Carly. It’s not weird that the farmer’s girlfriends all sleep in the same bed together.

Chris the Farmer brings Britt to a hot air balloon place in the middle of the desert. She acts excited, even though she hates the sky. Britt is okay because she has Chris the Farmer and he makes everything better. Britt and Chris the Farmer hold each other in the hot air balloon. It’s super romantic. They make out in their hot air balloon basket while hot air balloon guy just kind of hangs out.

After ballooning, Chris the Farmer and Britt go back to his place. Back at the mansion, the other girlfriends discuss how Britt never showers. She didn’t shower for her big date and now she’s in his rumpus room. If rumpus happens, she’ll be unclean. That’s not very biblical. What would Claire’s dad say? Answer me!

Carly doesn’t like Britt. She thinks Britt is manipulative. She says, “On a scale of 1-to-manipulative, Britt is at…wait what’s beyond manipulative?” Carly doesn’t understand scales.

Britt and Chris the Farmer talk about how many kids they each want. It’s the kind of thing you need to talk about after a hot air balloon date, especially if you’re unclean. Chris the Farmer gives Britt a rose and they make out. They make out a lot. It’s slurptastic. It’s not at all weird watching them make out in a bed. It’s probably not weird at all for the three separate camera guys camped out in the room filming all of this.

I would really like to not watch this show anymore.

Kelsey is ready to be annoying. She steals time with Chris the Farmer by sneaking off into his hotel room. She tells Chris the Farmer about her marriage that ended in death. It’s one of two ways that a marriage can end. As Kelsey tells the story of her husband collapsing and dying, Chris the Farmer nods a bunch. It’s noddy.

Kelsey is glad that she has this death story to share. She tells the camera how amazing her story is. She’s a bit of a psychopath. Moments after hearing the story of a man collapsing from heart failure, Chris the Farmer makes out with Kelsey. He’s such a gentleman!

Kelsey tells the camera about how this show is her love story. She makes Ashley S. seem put together and normal. Nothing is weird. Remind me never to go to Santa Fe.

The cocktail party is next. Keep up! The previews have been telling us that stuff is about to get super crazy. It’s going to be so crazy, you guys. I can’t even. You guys can’t even either, admit it.

Chris the Farmer addresses his girlfriends before the cocktail party. He thanks them for coming, references his conversation with Kelsey, and then he starts crying and leaves the room. Chris Harrison runs him down to make sure he’s okay. He says, “Are you alright? You just left the room.” Chris Harrison is an American hero. They talk about Kelsey and the conversation and life. It’s so deep I almost drown in their conversation. I become lost in a world where the only thing that exists is Chris the Farmer and Chris Harrison and their conversation about life.

Chris the Farmer manages to pull it together. He’s like Lou Gehrig.

Kelsey tells the girls that life is precious and saying goodbye to people is hard. The rest of the girls smile and nod, and then hate her to the camera. Because things have become so emotional, Chris the Farmer cancels the cocktail party. This show has no rules! You know things are serious and emotional when cocktail parties are cancelled. The funny thing is, the cocktail party was cancelled because things were emotional, but the cancelling of the cocktail party made things more emotional. It’s a vicious cycle. It’s a burning sun that perpetually feeds on emotion and provides life for distant planets. Things are so super emotional. On a scale of 1-to-emotional, they’re emotional.

Ashley I. is sad about the cancellation and cries, a lot. Kelsey starts to cry. Kelsey outcries Ashley I. It’s an old fashioned Hubba Bubba cry-off!!!!

Kelsey goes berserk. She has a panic attack. Bachelor EMTs run on the scene to tend to Kelsey’s stupid panic attack. The Bachelor EMTs can’t handle the situation, so they call 911. This show is the worst thing ever. Just as it can’t get any worse, it does. The show ends with a ‘To Be Continued’.

Now, we have to wait until next week to find out if Kelsey dies, or something. The preview of next week shows more crying. So, we have that to look forward to.

For more on this crap, please listen to ‘We Bros Accept thisRose’, my podcast with Shaun Murphy. Shaun and I sit really close to each other and breathe!

Monday, January 26, 2015

Bachelor Recap - Mouth Virgins and Regular Virgins

This is how you find a bride!

We’ve been promised crying during this season of ‘The Bachelor’. I’d actually go so far as to say, we’ve been threatened with tons of tears. Chris Soules will have to wade through buckets of tears in order to find everlasting love, but so far we’ve only seen a couple of drops.

Things get turned up a notch in week four. From the look of the preview, we get crying, drama, snot, bawling, make out sessions, corn eating and shirtless frolicking. We also get a preview of someone saying, “Her mouth is not a virgin.” It’s the America we deserve. It’s ‘The Bachelor’.

If you’re a part of the Bachelor Fantasy League, get the updated scoring here. On to the recap.

Chris Harrison resumes hosting duties and steps in like the grizzled veteran he is. No rust on this guy. Harrison announces that Chris the Farmer’s sister will meet the girls and determine who goes on a sacred one-on-one date. That’s a huge deal. You guys have no idea of how huge that is. It’s never happened. This show is free of rules and oppression.

First though, we get a group date. The theme is “do what comes natural.” ABC sends the girls to a lake. It’s blue, natural and beautiful.

Chris the Farmer is excited about the date. He says, “I’m excited to see how these girls react to being outdoors and being in nature.” It is a very natural scene. It’s just a guy, seven of his girlfriends, a lake, seven cameras, some sound equipment, a couple of trucks, some producers, a bunch of agents, bikinis, and frogs.

Kaitlyn took off her natural bikini bottom and jumped into the natural lake. She was just doing what comes naturally.

While half of the girls are on their lake date, the other half of Chris the Farmer’s girlfriends get to meet Chris the Farmer’s sisters. The sisters ring the doorbell. Everyone screams because it’s a super exciting moment. You guys were excited too, admit it.

Jillian almost misses the fun because she falls asleep outside with a blacked out crotch. We’re four weeks into the show and ABC still can’t get Jillian to wear clothing that fully covers her crotch.

The sisters interview the girlfriends to see if they are ‘Farmer’ material. They ask things like “Do you like my brother?” and “What do you think of the other girls?” They don’t ask, “Why is your crotch blacked out?” It’s an oversight.

Soft music plays when the sisters talk to Jade. They like her. ABC likes Jade too, or they wouldn’t have changed to ‘We like Jade’ soft music.

We cut back to the natural lake date. Keep up! The girls are playing Red Rover, or something. Why do you read these? Kelsey isn’t having fun. She calls the lake a “hell hole” and says her cheeks hurt from fake smiling. Kelsey gets a point for pretending she’s happy. Kelsey gets stung by a bee while talking to the camera. That is worth zero points. The bee got pretty far up her thigh. My wife yelled, “He’s not a honey bee, he’s a horny bee!” So, I’m leaving her.

Chris the Farmer announces that they’re all camping by the lake for the night. They put up tents. It’s intense. Get it? You guys are jerks. Chris the Farmer gets his own tent and there’s no chance that any of the girls will try to get into Chris the Farmer’s tent!

Chris the Farmer is really learning a lot about finding a wife by watching models in bikinis set up tents in full makeup and heels. It’s all very natural. This is a natural setting.

We’re back to the sister interviews. Keep up! Carly talks about how she’s been mistreated throughout her life and starts to cry. Finally! Carly is emotional, but the sisters seem to like her. They must connect well with people who have been mistreated. When the interviews are over, the girls get super nervous because it is not yet announced who gets the one-on-one date, which is a HUGE deal. It’s so huge, you guys.

The date card arrives later. Jade gets the one-on-one date because of soft music and stuff. It’s a Cinderella-themed date because ABC owns Disney and all of our souls. Jade cries when she learns that she’s getting the one-on-one date because of all of the hugeness of the whole thing. It’s super huge, you guys. Get over it and accept the hugeness.

We’re back to camping. Jesus Christ, keep up! All of the happy campers want the group date rose. There’s a camp fire and they all talk about how bad they want that rose. It’s a pretty boring camp fire.

Chris the Farmer pulls Kaitlyn aside and looks at the moon with her. They’re connecting. They connect. It’s connecty. Kaitlyn is wearing pants, for now.

Kelsey pouts by the campfire, but acts happy around Chris the Farmer. She fake laughs around him and pretends like she loves camping. The other girls aren’t happy about it. They hate Kelsey. Kelsey gets 5 points for being the one who everyone hates.

While roasting s’mores, the girls all howl like wolves. It happens. We watch it. Ashley S. brings crazy back by singing a drunken song about tata’s. She’s a little bit drunk. I love her. Mackenzie talks about being abducted by aliens. That moon is powerful.

Ashley S. pulls Chris the Farmer aside, looks him in the eye and asks, “What are you?” ABC lawyers clap off camera. Ashley S. and Chris the Farmer make out. She turns the crazy up to 11 and says, ‘At this point, I love everything about you. I know this sounds crazy, but I really do feel that way. I hope that resonates within your mind tonight.”

I really like Ashley S.

Not to be outdone, Ashley I. the virgin puts on lip gloss and her game face. She pulls Chris the Farmer aside and mauls his face. It’s the slurpiest slurp ever! Dogs show more restraint drinking water. After being hosed down by the virgin, Chris the Farmer returns to the campfire and gives Kaitlyn the group date rose, which is huge. It’s huge, you guys.

After hours, Ashley I. sneaks into Chris the Farmer’s tent. That’s 10 points! Ashley I. tells Chris the Farmer that she’s a delicate flower who doesn’t just run around with any man. She tells him this while covering his face with her face. It’s soft and virgin-like. Her face is not a virgin.

Back at the mansion, it’s announced that Jade gets the sister’s one-on-one princess date. All of the other girls cheer for the girl who gets alone time with their boyfriend. It’s a touching moment. Some weird people show up to transform Jade into a princess. She’s already a princess on the inside, you guys. Super soft music plays for the princess transformation. It’s princessy.

Ashley I. the non-virgin face complains to the camera because she deserves the princess date. She explains that she is most like a Disney princess. I always enjoy the moment in Disney movies where the princess sneaks into the prince’s tent and sucks out his teeth with her lips. Ashley I. sounds a little like a guy when she talks, I’m not gonna lie.

To make sure I feel adequately used, ABC shows us a clip of the new Cinderella movie, coming soon to theatres. It’s so convenient that this episode of ‘The Bachelor’ happened to air right around the release date of the movie! It’s a miracle! It’s like seeing a picture of Chris Harrison in your toast.

Jade goes out on her princess date. We get footage of Chris the Farmer alone, practicing his waltz while talking about finding his princess. I punch my couch a couple of times to get through it. As contractually obligated, Chris the Farmer throws around terms like “fairytale” and “glass slipper” and “Cinderella”. Did you guys know that the movie ‘Cinderella’ is coming to theatres? It totally is.

Jade admits to being engaged before. Chris the Farmer has also been engaged. They have so much in common! Chris the Farmer is glad his sisters chose Jade for the princess date. You guys are glad too, admit it!

Back at the mansion, Ashley I. puts on her own princess dress and walks around pouting and eating corn. It happens. She eats corn.

Back to the princess date. I’m dizzy. Chris the Farmer and Jade dance at their private concert in front of an orchestra. ABC pipes in more ‘Cinderella’ footage to make sure that you guys remember that the movie is coming out to theatres soon. Then, they make out. It’s not a little smooch. It’s grown sexy. There is lifting and grabbing. I’ll bet the orchestra guys don’t normally get this kind of show.

As the clock strikes midnight, Jade runs away to remind you that ‘Cinderella’ is coming to theatres soon. I had to pause the show a couple of times during this date to throw up. I hate this show so much.

There’s another group date. Six girls get wedding dresses to wear on their date. I can’t believe this show is still on television. Jillian doesn’t like to wear her wedding dress because she doesn’t get to have her crotched black out.

The girls get on a PRIVATE PLANE and meet Chris the Farmer in San Francisco. Becca is happy because, with only 6 girlfriends on the date, it’s more intimate.

Just when you think it’s going to be a girly date with wedding dresses, a car pulls up to a Muckfest course. It’s an obstacle course with mud. The girls are tasked with running through the mud in their wedding dresses. It’s so crazy. You can’t wear a wedding dress in the mud! No way! This show has no rules!

Chris the Farmer likes this challenge because he wants a wife who can be tough, physically and mentally. He’s looking for a girl who can run up a hill in a wedding dress. I know, before I married my wife, I pushed her into a gorge. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do.

The girls run in mud. It’s muddy. Jillian is a super jock. She runs super faster than all of the other girls. She wins by a mile. She’s really fast without having a big black bar covering her crotch.

For being the best Runaway Bride (missed promotional opportunity!), Jillian gets a special date with Chris the Farmer. The rest of the girls hose off their wedding dresses and go back to their mansion. Life is hard sometimes.

Jillian and Chris the Farmer eat outside on a roof or something. Chris the Farmer tells the camera that Jillian could be in his top three. That’s huge, you guys.

Jillian is unable to answer Chris the Farmer’s question about where she sees herself in five years. She rambles about stuff. We all listen. The music turns on Jillian. It’s not good music. It’s not sweet Jade music. It’s manic Jillian music. Jillian is going home. She’s no longer in Chris the Farmer’s top three. She’s in his NOT three! Get it??? HAHAAHAHAAHa. You guys are jerks.

To be fair to Jillian, it’s probably not normal to talk about five year plans on a first date. Jillian turns the tables by asking Chris the Farmer, “Would you rather have sex with a homeless girl or abstain from sex for four or five years?” She really asks him that. It happened. We watched it. I would go homeless girl all the way, but that’s just me.

When it comes time to present the rose, Chris the Farmer tells Jillian that they aren’t connecting on their first date. Jillian admits she’s nervous. She starts to cry because she’s being dumped by a farmer on the roof of some place on National TV. It’s super comfortable. Chris the Farmer dumps Jillian because she talked a lot on the roof. He’s such a gentleman. He sends Jillian home. I’m going to miss her blacked-out crotch.

The cocktail party is next. Chris the Farmer tells his girlfriends about how he dumped one of his girlfriends, and that he’s serious about finding a wife. It’s serious. Act serious, you guys. When a guy dates a bunch of women on TV, it’s serious.

Megan puts a blindfold on Chris the Farmer and makes him eat food. He guesses what he’s eating. It happens. We watch it happen.

Ashley I. is upset because she tried to tell Chris the Farmer that she was a virgin while sucking his face in the tent. Apparently, she didn’t tell him correctly. She asks Chris the Farmer what he got out of their tent conversation and he doesn’t know. Ashley I. reiterates the fact that she’s a virgin. She does so in a really awkward way. It’s awkward. Chris the Farmer says, “That’s great.” I’m not sure he believes Ashley I. He’s a smart guy. Everyone is happy about Ashley I. being a virgin. You guys are happy about it too, admit it.

Ashley I. is nervous about telling Chris the Farmer that she’s a virgin. I hope that sentence ends up on my tombstone. Ashley I. cries about her virgin confession. Megan comforts her. It’s comforting. You guys were comforted too, admit it. I wish I gave out points in my Bachelor Fantasy League for comforting virgins. I live with so much regret.

When it’s revealed that Ashley I. is a virgin, the rest of the girls react. It’s reacty. Carly says, “Her mouth isn’t a virgin. Boom. Becca announces that she’s also a virgin. Is anyone in this mansion not a virgin???!!!

Britt is worried about her lack of time with Chris the Farmer. Maybe she should invent some sort of way to turn back the clock once a year to get extra time with farmers. Britt has glitter on her face. She confronts Chris the Farmer about some of the decisions he’s made with other women, in particular Kaitlyn and her skinny dipping.

Chris the Farmer gets mad. He stands up and tells all of his girlfriends not to question him. It’s domestic abusey. Britt, his first impression girl, is in trouble.

Thankfully, the rose ceremony is next. It’s full of virgins, but not mouth virgins. I cannot believe you read down this far. Chris the Farmer cuts his crop from 14 to 11. Juelia, Nikki and Ashley S go home. I’m going to miss Ashley S. and her crazy eyes more than I’ve ever missed anyone on this show. I hate Chris the Farmer. Life is so unfair.

On the plus side, Ashley I. and her non-virgin mouth stick around to entertain the masses.

Juelia gets the special send off from Chris the Farmer. He feels bad because she has a daughter. When you have a daughter, you get dumped one-on-one. I need a daughter. Juelia thanks Chris the Farmer for dumping her. He tells her she’s a beautiful person. If she was so beautiful, why didn’t he marry her? Juelia tells the camera that she wants to find love. She’s wearing a dress that shows a lot of her boobs, so I’m sure she’ll find it.

As the credits roll, ABC shows us bonus Ashley S. footage. She doesn’t feel sad about being dumped. Ashley S. hoots like an owl. I would love to try the drugs she’s on.
Next week, more stuff happens. Please don’t forget to listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, a fun Bachelor podcast with myself and Shaun Murphy.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Bachelor Recap - Gentlemen Prefer Blacked-Out Crotches

Chris Soules still hasn’t found true and everlasting love and it’s been three weeks. I know, I know, some people are so picky. You give a guy 29 or so girlfriends and then video tape him without a shirt and he can’t even find love in three weeks? This is taking forever. Luckily, Chris Harrison and the coked up bunch at ABC have stirred up fun and games to distract us. It’s ‘The Bachelor’, and it happens whether you like it or not.

If you are one of the almost 400 people in our Bachelor Fantasy League, you can check out the standings here. Special thanks to Simone for being super smart and emailing me a spreadsheet that streamlines the score keeping process. I’m sending you a rose with my heart and mind, Simone.

On to the recap!

This week is new and different as ABC pulled the lever on cross promotion, bringing late night host Jimmy Kimmel in to spice things up. I like and respect Jimmy Kimmel, but I fear this will be a failed experiment in Network TV comedy. Jimmy Kimmel takes over the host duties, giving Chris Harrison a much needed night off. All of the grueling “announcing the final rose” duties fall on Kimmel’s shoulders.

We begin with Jimmy Kimmel walking in to Chris the Farmer’s room to wake him up and surprise him. Chris the Farmer is super surprised. He totally didn’t see this coming. He had no idea. Even when crew was setting up the lighting and cameras and mapping out Kimmel’s entrance and then rehearsing it, he had no idea. It was a goofy surprise. They’re all such goofers. You guys totally LOLed, admit it.

The girls are all surprised too. They scream. Of course, they scream at everything, so it’s not a good gauge. Jimmy makes jokes while Chris Harrison stands next to him in his best casual wear. Harrison is wearing a sport coat and jeans. He’s like a 1980’s stand-up comic.

The girls read the first date card. Kaitlyn is going on a date with Chris the Farmer. I cannot recall ever seeing Kaitlyn before, but it’s early in the season. The young lovers drive to a Costco. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES!

The Costco date is super goofy. The kids are given a shopping list from Jimmy Kimmel and instructed to act like a real life couple. Jimmy Kimmel is coming over for dinner. They shop for stuff like ketchup. It happens. We watch it.

Costco looks like so much fun. They play in an inflatable ball with some parentless kids. Then, they make out... Chris the Farmer and Kaitlyn, not the parentless kids. It’s super fun. Chris the Farmer says, “Who the hell needs helicopters when there’s Costco?” I’m sure Bachelor lawyers will make him pay for that statement.

When that’s over, they go home to cook dinner like a normal couple would. It’s normal, except for the motorcycle sitting in living room. The motorcycle is abnormal. They sit on a couch and make out like a normal couple. They laugh a lot. Seriously, why would you read this?

Jimmy Kimmel interrupts a slurpy make out session to bring more fun. Basically, Jimmy stands around and does schtick while everyone uncomfortably laughs. It’s uncomfortable, but normal… because Chris the Farmer and Kaitlyn are a normal couple.

Jimmy asks some tough questions about Fantasy Suites. Kaitlyn doesn’t mind if Chris the Farmer sleeps with other women in the Fantasy Suite because “you can’t buy a car without test driving it first.” It’s a super creepy conversation. This is the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been, and I’ve been folded into a couch bed before. As soon as Jimmy Kimmel leaves, Chris the Farmer and Kaitlyn make out in a hot tub. 10 points.

When we get back from commercial, they show Jillian working out. Her crotch is blacked out to protect the innocent. The group date is next. Only 47 women are involved. They take the harem to a farm so they can do farm stuff. It’s farmy. Kimmel calls it a Ho-down throw-down. The ladies are tasked with doing farmer-type stuff like shucking corn, egg collecting, goat milking and pig wrestling. It’s grown sexy.

Now, in the Fantasy League, I was giving 5 points for milking a cow, but I think we can all agree that a goat is close enough.

I’m not going to lie to you guys, watching the ladies milk goats was hilarious, especially with Jillian’s blacked-out crotch. Amber isn’t a fan of goat milk. She says she doesn’t like salty and warm stuff in her mouth. That’s farm speak as sexual innuendo! Five points for Amber! Carly shucks, milks and pig-wrestles her way to victory. She wins a ribbon, time with Chris the Farmer and memories.

The group date cocktail party is next. The group goes to one of the million outdoor pool places in Hollywood for drinks and awkwardness. Carly pulls Chris the Farmer aside immediately to make out with him. Four seconds later, Amber makes out with him. We’re 30 minutes in and there’s been a lot of slurping.

Mackenzie doesn’t like that her boyfriend makes out with all of his other girlfriends. She confronts him on it. It’s super comfortable. Chris the Farmer doesn’t like the question. It would appear that Mackenzie has blown her chances at being Mrs. Farmer.

Becca pulls Chris the Farmer aside to tell him that she only put her like on hold and took a chance because of who he is. Becca wants to make out with Chris the Farmer, but she’s shy. She talks about how she wants to make out with Chris the Farmer to make things as awkward as possible. She achieves maximum awkwardness. She also tells the camera that she’s developing a connection, earning her a point. Becca gets the group date rose. If this is your first time watching the show, getting the group date rose is a big deal. Keep up!

Whitney gets a one-on-one date. When the girls find out that Whitney is getting her one-on-one date, Ashley I. screams because she’s super excited for her friend to get alone time with her boyfriend. Ashley I. earns a point for pretending to be happy.

Chris the Farmer wears a bright pink shirt for their one-on-one date. Between Whitney’s voice and Chris’ shirt, I feel like I’m watching a cartoon. The happy couple sits on a bail of hay or something and drinks wine. It’s super romantic. It’s all I can do to not cry.

Chris the Farmer tells Whitney that he likes girls who can be spontaneous and mingle with strangers. In an incredible twist fate, it just so happens that there’s a wedding happening next to their hay bale, so they decide to go down and crash the wedding. It’s totally spontaneous and not at all planned! Whitney even says, “YOLO!” I’m not sure what that means. It’s completely unexpected!

Now remember, this is completely unplanned. It’s so unplanned that ABC only had time to have the couple change into clothes they just happen to have with them, get a wedding gift for the unexpected wedding crash bride and groom, and then set up hidden cameras to capture several angles of this completely spontaneous and unplanned event. It’s so random. You only YOLO once!

Whitney and Chris the Farmer mingle with the wedding guests, trying not to give themselves away. Chris the Farmer screws up and acts nervous, but Whitney pulls it together to keep the rouse alive. She’s super spontaneous and YOLO. Chris the Farmer should make her Whitney the Farmer.

Whitney and Chris the Farmer make out on the dance floor of their crashed wedding. You know, they may have crashed the wedding, but they certainly didn’t crash their relationship. It’s full speed ahead! These two can YOLO as many times as they want.

Whitney tells the camera that she can see herself with Chris Soules for the rest of her life. She says his name fast, so it sounds like she’s saying “crystals.” Crystals also tells the camera that he can imagine being with Whitney for the rest of his life. These guys are totally YOLOing until the goats come home.

Whitney says that she’s the happiest girl in the world. Too bad if you thought you were the happiest girl in the world, because you’re clearly second or maybe even third. As they go to commercial, ABC shows us the moon. These guys love that moon.

As we come back for commercial, we get to see Chris the Farmer showering. Jimmy Kimmel is showering with him. It’s super goofy. I LOL ‘cause YOLO. Jimmy Kimmel tells the girls that the cocktail party is being replaced by a pool party. It’s a good excuse to show more of Chris the Farmer’s chest. We also get to see more of Jillian’s blacked-out crotch. No matter what she’s wearing, it’s not covering enough. ABC doesn’t mind showing us full out tongues going into mouths for a half-hour, but don’t show a crotch without a black bar over it. It’s all just skin, ABC.

Immediately after showing us a blacked-out crotch, Juelia pulls Chris the Farmer aside to tell him about how the father of her child committed suicide. I don’t think it’s exactly pool party conversation, but I haven’t been to a ton of pool parties.

Juelia explains the traumatic memories leading up to the suicide. ABC gives us “Juelia‘s boyfriend committed suicide” music. It’s a special mix. The suicide story takes about six minutes, which is a long time. It’s super dramatic and sad. Luckily, shirtless Chris the Farmer is there to console her. He even asks a Bachelor intern off camera for a tissue. He’s such a gentleman!

Four seconds after the grueling suicide story, we get back to the fun pool party. Chris the Farmer gets some alone time with Britt. They make out with Juelia’s suicide story fresh on his mind. The other girls sit around drinking and watching Chris the Farmer make out with the more aggressive girls.

Jade ups her game and YOLOs. She grabs Chris the Farmer and brings him back to his house. Chris the Farmer says he wants to test his bed, so he gets a running start and jumps on his bed. When it’s Jade’s turn to test the bed, she kind of half-asses it. She hardly even jumps. Chris the Farmer doesn’t care about Jade’s bed-testing skills because he agrees to make out with her. Jade’s bathing suit is nude colored, so it looks like they’re showing her boons, but they’re not. I guess this show has some rules.

Jillian and her blacked out crotch realizes what’s going on and decides to YOLO herself into the scene. She interrupts Jade’s YOLO for her own personal YOLO. Jillian and Chris the Farmer hang out in a hot tub. They talk and hug, and then make out. 5 points. This guy makes out with a lot of women. He’s such a gentleman!

Mackenzie interrupts the hot tub make out session. This girl already talked her way off the show, now she’s interrupting hot tub make out sessions! Mackenzie isn’t doing well tonight.

Other girls join the hot tub make out interruption to talk. The girls openly discuss the allocation of alone time with Chris the Farmer. They say things like, “Do you want to get 5 minutes of alone time now and I’ll get 5 minutes after that?” It’s prostitutioney.

Ashley I. freaks out because she doesn’t want to talk with a bunch of Chris the Farmer’s girlfriends. She wants to be Chris the Farmer’s only girlfriend. Boy, is she on the wrong show!

Ashley I. wants Jillian to give her free time with Chris the Farmer, but Jillian won’t. People with blacked out crotches can be so rude. Ashley I. cries to the camera about how unfair life is, and I tend to agree. I don’t think this is fair at all. It’s unfair. There, I said it.

Ashley I. runs back to the mansion. It’s her way of dealing with it all. YOLO.

Chris the Farmer tracks her down to make her feel better. He’s such a gentleman. He tries to comfort Ashley I., but she’s really drunk and emotional. They’re both kind of drunk. You’re not going to believe this, but they totally make out. It’s the most slurpy make out session of all slurpy make out sessions. We’ve reached new levels of slurp. Life will never be the same. It’s like when people who die for a minute and see heaven.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Time has just flown by because we were all having so much fun. You guys were having so much fun, admit it. Chris the Farmer dumps a couple of his girlfriends.

Even though she questioned Chris the Farmer’s kissing and interrupted his hot tub make out session, Mackenzie got a rose. Because she didn’t do anything psychopathy, Ashley S. got a rose. I guess ABC decided it wasn’t time to send her home. They’re the boss. Megan gets a rose because she has giant boobs.

Amber got some tongue this week, but didn’t get a rose. Some girl named Tracy was sent home. I didn’t know anything about her. Another girl didn’t get a rose and I don’t know who she was. It doesn’t matter. Whitney was right. YOLO. I’m going to YOLO all of the time now.

Don’t forget to listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, my awesome podcast with Shaun Murphy where we discuss all of this stuff. It’s fun and we’re allowed to show boobs.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Bachelor Recap - Zombies, Schizophrenia and Making Out


We’ve reached week two of Chris the Farmer’s epic search for eternal love and future television jobs. In week one, the seeds were planted for drama, suspense, romance, slurping and other stuff. We plowed through a field of contestants and narrowed the “field” down to, like, 19. It was a dust storm of emotion. I don’t even know if dust storm is a farm thing. Why do you read these?

Week 2 is just as exciting. Don’t forget to listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, the Trending Buffalo Podcast with me and Shaun Murphy. It’s groundbreaking and new, and we fixed Shaun’s microphone.

Onto the recap:

We start things off with a continuation of last week. Kimberly was kicked off, but didn’t leave. She grabs Chris the Farmer to plead her case for sticking around. Kimberly claims that she never had a chance to talk to Chris the Farmer. That’ll happen when your boyfriend is dating two dozen other women.

The girls are all shocked that Kimberly came back. One of the girls says, “Goodbye means see you later… see you never.” So, all those times my mom said goodbye to me…?

Kimberly cries and begs to come back. Chris the Farmer is a super nice guy, so he asks Chris Harrison if Kimberly is allowed to come back. Chris Harrison tells Chris the Farmer something we already knew; this show has no rules!!! None!

Chris the Farmer announces to the group that Kimberly is coming back. The girls all cheer, even though they were all just complaining to the camera how Kimberly needs to go home. Girls be cray-cray. Holy cow, I can’t even keep up things are happening so fast! You guys, this show is dramatic.

For pretending to be happy, all of the girls except Kimberly get a point in the Bachelor Fantasy League. Of course, for the moment, Kimberly is the one everyone hates, so she gets 5 points.

Next, Chris Harrison and Chris the Farmer sit down to talk about the craziness of this all. They hold mugs with nothing in them. Chris the Farmer doesn’t have shoelaces in his sneakers. THIS SHOW HAS NO RULES.

Back at the Drama Mansion, Chris’ crop gathers to prepare for love-finding. Chris Harrison shows up and asks the ladies how excited they are for this journey. They’re all pretty excited. It’s also announced that Chris the Farmer will live in a house right next to the Drama Mansion. Basically, ABC wants to make sure that there’s plenty of sex having going on this season.

As the girls get their date card and scream, we get rare footage of Chris the Farmer showering, putting on a shirt and fixing his hair. It’s gripping.

The group date is a pool party at a hotel or something. I’m missing the National Championship of College Football. Chris the Farmer gets a chance to take of his shirt again, so that’s a plus. It’s been almost 4 minutes since he went without a shirt. That shirt had to be incredibly heavy, itchy and uncomfortable.

Chris the Farmer talks with Kimberly, the cheater who cried her way back onto the show. Kimberly seems nice. She also is showing off some nipplage. My computer doesn’t think “nipplage” is a word. My computer is so lame. Grow up, computer.

While that exciting pool date is going on, Jillian and Megan sneak into Chris the Farmer’s house. ABC is forced to black out Jillian’s crotch because she didn’t cover it with enough clothing. It’s grown sexy. Megan puts on Chris the Farmer’s motorcycle helmet and runs into the wall four times. That really happened.

The pool party moves out into the street. Keep up! Everyone is still in bikinis. It’s crazy.
The girls are competing in a tractor race. There are tractors lined up in the middle of L.A.  I’m sure all of the commuters appreciated this complete waste of time. The tractors are really slow. It’s totally LOLy. My wife and I high-five because we’re having so much fun. Ashley I. wins the race and gets to spend extra time with Chris the Farmer, which is the real prize.

After some alone time with Ashley I. (Why are they all named Ashley??!!!) the girls sit on hay and talk about fun things with Chris the Farmer. Chris announces that he’s taking Mackenzie away for a private date and ruining everyone else’s night. The rest of the girls are angry, but they tell the camera how much of a gentleman Chris the Farmer is for making Mackenzie feel good.

Tara the drunk complains about how she’s been rejected. So, if you’re keeping score at home, Tara was on a date with a guy and 9 of his other girlfriends and she’s mad that it didn’t end well.

Chris the Farmer and Mackenzie go out and talk and have fun and we watch it. It happens. Mackenzie talks about aliens and Chris’ big nose. I’m sure the football game on the other channel is terrible.

Mackenzie has a son at home, so she gets 20 points in the Fantasy League for abandoning that child to be on TV. She spills the beans to Chris the Farmer about her son and he takes it well because he’s a super nice gentleman. America loves Chris the Farmer and his 19 girlfriends. You love him, you guys. Admit it.

After she talks about her son for an hour, Chris the Farmer gives Mackenzie a rose. She has way too much energy. Mackenzie and Chris the farmer make out. One point.

The next date card comes. Ashley S. is excited about the date card coming. When asked how excited, she says, “On a scale of 1-to-10, like a 15.”  So, Ashley S. gave us a predetermined scale of measurement, but couldn’t stay within that scale. She has no respect for math.

Ashley S. doesn’t get the one-on-one date. Megan does. Megan is excited about her upcoming date. On a scale of 1-to-10, I would gauge her excitement as a 10. She says, “I wish everyone could feel my insides right now.”  I wish too, Megan.

Chris the Farmer and Megan drive to the airport so they CAN GET ON A HELICOPTER!!! 10 points for Megan. She says it’s the coolest thing she’s ever done. Obviously, Megan has never been to Epcot.

The helicopter lands in the middle of the Grand Canyon, or something. Bachelor interns have set out a blanket and picnic basket lunch. They probably made the poor interns walk down there.

Megan and Chris the Farmer talk about how crazy this all is. It is. It’s crazy. Megan interrupts that craziness to talk about how her dad died. It’s a sidetrack to the conversation. Megan pours her heart out while a helicopter flies over their picnic, making it almost impossible to hear her.

Chris the Farmer gives Megan a rose. Then, they make out. After being on one date with Chris the Farmer and talking to him for a couple of minutes, Megan tells the camera that she has fallen “head over heels” for him. It seems completely sane.

There’s another group date next. It’s a scary group date, so I’m prepared to be super scared. The limo drives the ladies to a dark place and there’s scary music playing. The place looks scary.

As the girls freak out, a zombie jams its head in the limo and makes everyone scream. Just as I’m about to run out into the street with a gun and start shooting anything that looks like a zombie, Chris the Farmer pulls off his zombie mask and reveals that he was goofing. What a goof! He’s so goofy. What a gentleman.

The date is a zombie-killing paint ball game. The group has to take a few moments to explain to Ashley S. that she only shoots zombies and not people. Ashley S. isn’t terribly bright and might be really crazy, but she’s attractive.

The girls shoot zombies while screaming. It happens. It happens for 5 minutes. It’s just a lot of screaming and shaky photography. Chris the Farmer remarks on how sexy his girlfriends look while killing the undead with paint. He’s such a gentleman, you guys!

Ashley S. walks around shooting the already dead zombie actors as they lay still on the ground. I’m guessing it hurts to be shot with a paintball gun at close range, but the actors don’t budge. It’s impressive. I’m falling for Ashley S.

Back at the mansion, Jordan gets super drunk and falls all over the place. She gets 10 points. She tells the camera about how hairy Jillian’s ass is. It’s the kind of access you wouldn’t expect without some sort of VIP pass.

Chris the Farmer pulls Kaitlyn aside for a private chat. They laugh at funny things. It’s cute and funny. Then, they make out.

Ashley S. tries to talk to the group and doesn’t make a ton of sense. She talks about angels and boom. Someone asks her a question and she answers by saying, “boom.”  It’s weird, even for this show. I’m not positive that Ashley S. isn’t on drugs. There’s no way ABC didn’t know that she had serious behavioral problems. It was nice of them to give her a forum.

Ashley S. pulls Chris the Farmer away on an adventure. They wander around while she rambles about nothing. ABC plays cute music, because mental illness is hilarious. She might murder him. I immediately regret not making ‘Murdering the Bachelor’ worth points in my Fantasy League.

Then, we get this exchange between Ashley S. and Chris the Farmer:
Ashley S.: “I’m not just going to be fake with you. Yeah, of course. Your leather smells really great.”

Chris the Farmer: “Are you okay?”

Ashley S.: “I’m not even sure what you’re asking me.”

She’s on drugs or she’s a paid actress planted by producers to make things interesting. My bet is on the latter.

Chris the Farmer gives Britt a coupon for a free kiss. She takes it right away. They make out. There is slurping. With the taste of Britt still fresh in his throat, Chris the Farmer gives the group date rose to Kaitlyn. As we go to commercial, ABC shows us the moon.

Because we haven’t had enough fun with zombies and schizophrenia, the cocktail party is next. It’s a last ditch effort for Chris the Farmer’s 20 girlfriends to earn a rose, or they’ll be put out to pasture.

Squeaky Whitney gives Chris the Farmer some whiskey. That’s good because there isn’t a ton of alcohol around. Her voice is so squeaky, it sounds like she’s kidding when she talks.

Ashley I. tells the other girls that she’s a virgin. Mackenzie tells Ashley I. that it’s good that she’s a virgin because “guys love taking that.” It’s the rapiest thing that’s ever been said on this show. Mackenzie says that she’s jealous of Ashley I.’s virginess.

Ashley I. shows Chris the Farmer her belly button ring and gives him three wishes. Keep up! Chris the Farmer wishes for a kiss. She makes him rub her belly button ring before they make out. They… make… out. It looks like me at a Ponderosa buffet. Lots of slurping. I’ve seen tamer shark attacks. If she’s a virgin, I’m a rocket scientist. They need to be fed oxygen halfway through.

With Ashley I. fresh on his tonsils, Chris the Farmer makes out with Amber. He’s made out with at least nine women tonight. He’s such a gentleman!

Jordan drinks a lot again and earns 10 more points. She’s super smooth. She might have a problem. How do you get this drunk when you know you’re going to be on national television? She’s cute when she’s hammered. All of the attractive girls this year are nightmares. It’s just like real life.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Four girls are sent home. Chris the Farmer tells the group that he can see his wife in the room. It’s a creepy thing to say if you’re not a Bachelor.

As she goes up to accept her rose, a woman named Juelia slips on the rug and falls. The most embarrassing part of it all is the way she spells her name. Ashley S. gets a rose, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that she’s a planted actress who was forced into the mix to keep things stupid.

For the second straight week, Kimberly is dumped by Chris the Farmer. That has to sting. I doubt that a woman who looks like Kimberly has ever been dumped even once in real life, much less twice within a week on TV. It’s dramatic. Tara, the drunk from week one and Jordan the drunk from week two are both sent home. Tara does use the word “connection” on her way out to earn a point… at the buzzer. Sports quota filled.

Next proves to be just as bad as this week. It’s an endless journey to nowhere. I wish I was dead.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Bachelor Recap - Chris the Farmer Meets His Crop of Women

68% of these people are here for the wrong reasons.
Just like a reoccurring eczema rash, ‘The Bachelor’ is back for another season. Chris Harrison and the fun bunch at ABC have chosen Chris Soules the Farmer to be this year’s meat market special. He’s from Iowa, so… corn. Chris the Farmer is super dreamy and ‘Ah shucks’ nice. Twenty five women will line up to convince themselves that they’re in love with him.

There will be crying, super HIGH-larious bloopers, roses, hotel suites designated for sex making, helicopters, abandoned children, cameras, scripted television scenes, fun, alcohol, farm puns and heartbreak. As Mark Twain once said, “Let the ab-grinding and drunken cat fighting begin”.
Two announcements before you read further:
  1. A brand new addition; Stand-up comic Shaun Murphy will be joining me for a podcast after each episode. It’s called ‘We Two Bros Accept This Rose’. You can find the link on the bottom of each recap here at Trending Buffalo.
  2. Don’t forget to join our Bachelor Fantasy League. Scope out the field tonight and then choose 3 ladies for your team based on this epic scoring system. Win prizes, have fun and waste time!
On to the recap.

The 3-hour premier (THREE HOURS!) promises drama and intrigue. It’s a quasi-live event. Chris Harrison says, “It’s a Bachelor premier like you’ve never seen before”. So, it isn’t the worst thing ever? (Turns out it’s just like every other premier.) He says, “like you’ve never seen before” eight times.

We see footage of Iowa and Chris the Farmer farming in Iowa. We literally watch crops grow. He also eats one of his crops to test it. While he’s farming, Chris the Farmer finds time to stand in a field and stare off into the distance to think about how much he’d like to find love.

Chris the Farmer says, “Iowa is God’s country”… So, God loves to be bored. So far, this is my favorite episode ever.

Chris has a beer with other farmers, works out next to a big red barn and sits on a motorcycle to think about love while staring off into the distance. Amazingly, cameras are there to capture this.

Chris Harrison gives us live updates from a random red carpet while a bunch of cat owners scream in the background. While he’s screaming over their screaming, a little clock appears in the top of my screen to tell me the actual show doesn’t begin for an hour. The first hour of the show is just preview garbage. I wish so badly that there would be a natural gas explosion in my basement so I had an excuse not to watch this.

The preview hour entails interviews with former Bachelor contestants. We get the all important opinions of the attention-starved elite. ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ success story Marcus and Lacy talk about their upcoming wedding. Lacy, a Rocket Scientist, says that they’re 80/40 decided on their wedding date. She’s fun.

ABC gives us video montage teasers of the girls vying for Chris the famer’s love. This year’s crop of contestants seems like a good one. (Get it? Crop????!!!! I hate you guys). We have a news producer with big arms, a virgin and other women.

Chris Harrison interviews Nikki, the winner of the Juan Pablo season, for twenty minutes. ‘Winner’ is a loose term. Nikki was jilted by Juan Pablo. Her love was betrayed. There was betrayal. It was betrayaly. The interview, like everything else that has happened for the first hour of the show, was a complete waste of time. That’s the kind of thing you need to expect when watching ‘The Bachelor’, so I really can’t complain.

Next, Chris the farmer walks around his farm, showers outside (true story) and stands around to think about love. He’s magically transformed to Los Angeles so we can watch him get dressed, talk about finding a wife and shower outside again. While that’s a full day for any man, Chris the farmer still has time to stand on a balcony to think about love. Those farmers sure have quite the work ethic.

The actual show begins with the arrival of the limos containing attractive and misguided contestants.

The first girl out is Britt. She hugs Chris the farmer for a full minute. It’s both awkward and annoying. She gives Chris the farmer a hand-written coupon for a ‘free hug’. Those are often hard to redeem. A woman named Whitney arrives and sounds like a chipmunk on helium. Do you capitalize periodic table elements? I feel like, if she sounded like Carbon, I would have capitalized ‘Carbon’. But helium is a low-class element that people blow into balloons. I’m keeping it lower case. Did you read down this far?

A woman who works at an organ donor place brings Chris the farmer a fake heart in a cooler. It’s pretty cliché. I mean, I don’t know about you guys, but I am so sick of women arriving to date a guy who is dating 24 other women toting a cooler full of a fake heart covered in fake blood.

A girl comes dressed in jorts and the other girls hate her. That seems fair. She changes clothes, so relax.

A classy lass named Kaitlyn tells Chris that he can plow the bleep out of her field any day. That’s what Tramp said to Lady after passing her the meatball with his nose. Chris Harrison tells Chris the farmer to go inside and have a good time.

In a huge shakeup of biblical proportions, ABC moved early and Chris the farmer will mingle with only half of his harem. The first thing he does is tell Kaitlyn to shut up so he can make a speech. I like Chris the farmer already.

Next, they all drink. Keep up.
Britt tells Chris the farmer to feel safe with her. She gives out coupons for free hugs. It’s a good thing she’s a woman because, if she were a guy, giving coupons for hugs and telling people to feel safe with you means you’re a child molester. Chris likes Britt. They almost made out. Almost, you guys. Almost.

Whitney talks and my dog starts barking. Chris Harrison brings in a first impression rose. The music shifts from light and fluffy to murdery. The first impression rose is a lot like Darth Vader.

The girls mention that Amanda has big eyes, so ABC spends the next several minutes zooming in on her eyes as she annoys America with her vibrant demeanor.

ABC brings us back to their live studio audience to make sure we’re not having too much fun. Chris Harrison talks to Claire while Claire’s dad watches. Claire talks. We’re forced to listen. Why do they drag these has-beens along for their crappy television shows? Don’t these people have jobs? Is it Claire’s job to sit in a studio audience and answer two questions a year about a limo? If so, what does that pay? How come you guys never answer my questions?

More limos bring more women. It’s like ‘The Great Gatsby’, I think. I’m not sure. Because more women are being added to the mix, ABC plays music that would fit well with Civil War footage. We can’t be sure, because there isn’t a lot of Civil War footage available. I think the South burned it all before they lost to the British. Why do you read these?

The girls inside gawk at the girls outside. There is judgment. It’s judgmenty. One of the girls rides in on a motorcycle instead of the traditional limo. This show has no rules. Can you ride a motorcycle in an evening gown? Isn’t there a danger of the gown getting sucked up into the…motorcycle… parts? I’m not sure how motorcycles work. Nicole comes out of the limo wearing a pig nose. Inside the mansion, Ashley L. says, “I’m not even sure that Chris has pigs on his farm, so she should have done her homework.” It’s a profound statement.

The WWE wrestler named Britney wears the clothing equivalent of a band-aid. Carly carries a portable karaoke machine and sings. I look around, but can’t find an ice pick to jam into my temple.

Chris the farmer heads back inside to talk to the rest of his women. In all, he has 29 girlfriends. That’s a lot of girlfriends. He dances with Kaitlyn, the potty mouth. We get to watch some white break dancing. It takes more years off of my life than the singing.

There’s a ton of talking and interrupting and talking about interrupting. It’s a vicious cycle. One of the girls says, “Not that it’s a free-for-all, but it’s a free-for-all.” I’m learning so much. The girls sit on couches and judge who is not right for Chris the farmer. Amazingly, none of them single out themselves as a person who isn’t compatible with him.

Ashley S., who I predicted had murderous tendencies when I first saw her, talks to the camera about how people are like onions and you get to know their layers by cutting them open. It’s fun. I’m having fun, you guys. Ashley S. is either really drunk, or she’s storing woodchucks in a freezer.

Tara, the clothes changer, gets really drunk and burps a ton. She’s hot. I likes’em with impaired judgement!

Chris the farmer gives Britt the first impression rose because she made a good first impression. Britt hands out free hug coupons. Britt and Chris the farmer make out. I might be mistaken, but she did NOT hand out free make-out coupons. This show has no rules!

The rose ceremony is next. Chris Harrison makes sure that Chris the farmer is ready for his first rose ceremony. He is. I’m not positive he is, but he tells Chris Harrison that he is, so there’s no turning back now.

While he’s handing out roses, drunk Tara leans over and causes a ruckus because she’s drunk. In a huge upset, she doesn’t throw up. I’m so angry. Nothing ever works out for me.

Chris the farmer stops the rose ceremony. I guess he wasn’t ready for it. What a liar! Chris the farmer asks Chris Harrison what to do about Tara. She’s really drunk, but he likes her. Chris the farmer and I should hang out. Chris the farmer gives drunk Tara a rose. High five. She’s a drunk panda in a room full of brown bears.

A lot of goodies go home. Big Eyes, Potty Mouth, Gingivitis, Ugly and Bo the plus-sized model who is regular sized. It’s dramatic.

22 women remain. That’s a lot. I can’t wait to follow along with the tears, drama, fighting, tears, love, rose-giving, tears, ambulance visits, helicopter rides, tears and crying. The favorites out of the box have to be Britt, Jade and Tracy. I say that only because my wife likes them and she’s always right about these things, and everything else. Crazy Ashley S. the onion murderer got a rose because the producers made Chris the farmer give her a rose. You can’t convince me otherwise!
Oh, yeah, a girl named Britney got kicked off but refused to leave. Keep up!

Don’t forget, Shaun Murphy and I have a podcast, ‘We Two Bros Accept this Rose’. Listen to it for fun. You will also have a chance to compete in the Trending Buffalo Bachelor Fantasy League. You can draft your team beginning Wednesday. Keep up!

Monday, September 8, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Dumping Guys Who Wear Jeans to Bed

It is with great sadness that I must announce that this is the final recap I will ever do for ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. I’m sorry, I meant “happiness”. That was supposed to say “happiness” because I’m happy. It would be “sadness” if I found out that I had to start this train wreck season over from the beginning, or if the cast members were all coming over to my house for dinner.

We’ve reached the ultimate episode in a sultry and pointless season of filth. Twelve contestants remain and they are totally ‘coupled up’. We know that ashleE will be Miss Crazypants, we know that Marcus and Lacy are in totally gaga in love, and we know that Clare’s dad is watching. We do NOT know if ABC has planned any type of result for the season, or if they’re just going to show two more hours of slurping and then drop a curtain. I’d be fine with that as long as it’s over. I can’t take any more of this crap.

We begin with tidings of love. Chris Harrison tells us how in love every one is, then he tells us that ABC is going to push and pull everyone around to make sure that they don’t stay in love. If ABC loved love so much, I wish they’d leave love alone.

Michelle Money says it best when she says, “I feel like my head is going to explode.”

The couples are all nervous because they know changes are coming to their Saradise/ Claradise/ Slurpadise. Harrison waltzes in and basically yells at everyone. He tells his fun bunch to love each other unconditionally or break up now. He really lays down the hammer and tells them not to F around with love. The couples are instructed to be ready to love each other or break up now. Michelle Money does it again by saying, “This is the real deal!” It totally is, Michelle. This deal is real. There is nothing unreal about this deal. It’s real.

Michelle Money seems to think that she has to get married right now or ABC lawyers will push her off of a cliff or something. That would be a reality show I’d watch, by the way.

The couples discuss how bummed out they are that they might have to leave if their partner isn’t ready for things to be real. They fail to point out that they’d be leaving anyway. People don’t spend a lot of time pointing things out on this show.

AShlee is wearing another headband and I can’t even listen to her talk. It’s double annoying. A headband on aShlee’s head is like putting dog poo on a statue carved out of petrified dog barf. Michelle can’t stand AshLee either and runs off to convince Graham to dump AshlEe. She’s taking this very seriously. She should, because this is the deal that is the real deal. The deal is real.

Michelle Money goes up to Graham and slams ASHLEe. Bam. Michelle doesn’t like ashLEE at all. At all. Graham doesn’t talk while Michelle badmouths his girlfriend. They hug. It’s huggy. Based on a two-minute conversation, Graham agrees to go dump AShLEE. It’s super dramatic. I’m dramatized.

We see ASHLEE ramble on about how in love she is and how great she has it with Graham and how they’re going to love each other for ever as Graham takes her outside to dump her. ABC produces production, yo?

Graham dumps Ashlee. He does it quick. If you’re going to dump an ASHleE, you do it quick. AsHLEE gets mad, but not “stabby” mad. She acts like an actual dumped person. I’m honestly shocked at how normal she acts. It’s a huge let down. How can a show that you expect absolutely nothing from let you down? It happened. This deal is real. It’s the real deal. AshLEe and Graham hug and it’s over.

Wait, it’s not over. asHlee asks to not be dumped. I lean forward, expecting the crazy to come out. It doesn’t. She walks away. Graham’s alone again. AshLEe’s alone again. They’re all alone. We’re all alone. Nothing matters. I hate real deals. It’s more like a raw deal.

Michelle Money runs out to console her Grahammy-pants. There are tears. It’s teary. AsHLeE talks about how embarrassing it is to get dumped in front of a million people and I don’t think that many people are watching. I know there aren’t many people reading this sentence at all. At all.

ASHlEe cries in the limo. I feel bad for her because she took the headband off. If she really wanted my sympathy, she should have worn eye black. I would have sympathized like crazy.

The dramatic ashleE/ Graham break up has everyone thinking. The deal has become even realer. It’s the realer deal. Tazos takes Kristy aside and, because the deal is completely realer, they agree to break up and not go on to whatever is going to happen later which is probably nothing. Zach and Jackie break up because they were never really dating.

Cody isn’t sure that Michelle is really into him. What Cody doesn’t consider is that, in order to break up with him, Michelle would have to no longer be on TV. That is not an option for Michelle Money. She needs TV like I need beer. ABC shows us dramatic footage of Michelle standing on balconies to think about her potential feelings for being on TV longer. Michelle Money thinks and we watch it. We watch her think and talk about thinking for six minutes. There’s a commercial break in between her thoughts. This deal is beyond real.

Coming back from commercial, Clare’s dad crawls up on the beach and birds fly by. The deal is real. Michelle Money goes down to talk to Cody. She’s tells the camera, “I just have to navigate my emotions.” I will now use the phrase “navigate my emotions” in every sentence I speak for the rest of my life.

You’ll be like, “Greg, do you want a sandwich?”
And I’ll be all, “I’m really trying to navigate my emotions to decide if I want a sandwich.”

Michelle Money calls her daughter on the phone to help her navigate her emotions. It sounds like her daughter’s name is Breahl. So, this conversation is the Breahl deal. Michelle asks her daughter if she should date a guy her daughter has never met. Her daughter tells her not to rush into things. Breahl keeps it real. Michelle tells Breahl that she has to rush into things. Breahl is all, “Just date him, then. What do I care? You named me Breahl!”

Michelle Money navigates her emotions toward the fast lane. She decides to rush into things with Cody so she can stay on TV longer. This deal is real, Breahl.

So, our remaining couples are Michelle and Cody, Sarah and Robert and Marcus and Lacy. Chris Harrison yells at them again to make sure that they aren’t lying to him about being in love. Chris Harrison really, really loves love, you guys! He just wants love to happen. He’s like a farmer squatting down in his field at dawn, making sure the love he has planted is growing. These couples are like Chris Harrison’s little love seedlings. They just need some water, sunlight, a hot tub and a helicopter.

The love challenges are announced. Chris Harrison tells them they get to go on one more date and then they’ll have their love put to the test. REAL! Deals are real. Everyone grips and complains to the camera about how real the deal is. If you read down this far, send me an email and I’ll buy you a Paula’s Donut or something.

When we come back from commercial, we see Cody putting on lip balm. Keep up!

The couples go off on their serious dates. Remember, these are the final dates before the deals get ever realer. We’ll soon have realest deals. There’s a bunch of talking about progress, nervousness, relationships and sparks. Lacy looks like someone applied her makeup with a spackle. How could an attractive woman apply products designed to enhance attraction and considerably destroy her attractiveness? She should keep it Breahl.

Robert and Sarah get into a hot tub and make out. They do a good job of not talking about making out before they make out. That makes it much more comfortable for the viewer. They have cute slurpy times.

Marcus and Lacy sit on a couch and Lacy tells Marcus that she loves him. They’re so in love, you guys!!!!!! Talk about real deals! They’re so totally in love I have to stand up and shake out my limbs to let their love flow through my entire body. I can now feel their love in my toes. If I were to give blood and the blood technician asked me what kind of blood I had, I would say, “It’s Lacy/Marcus love-blood and it flows through my body like a song” and then me and the blood technician would high-five because she would feel their love too. Did you know that you could see Marcus’ and Lacy’s love from space? Did you know that the Eskimos have 40 different words for Marcus’ and Lacy’s love? Did you know that, if you buried Marcus’ and Lacy’s love in the desert, a flower would grow? You guys are jerks.

Michelle Money and Cody talk about their progressing love. They’re offered a fantasy suite card. Cody tells Michelle Money that he wants to get married. Michelle wants to spend the night with Cody but tells America that they won’t be having sex. What the hell is the point of a Fantasy Suite if you’re not having sex? That’s not the point at all. At all.

Michelle is confused about where she’s going. She says, “I feel like it could go either way. I feel like guys with that big of a body have BLEEP. But maybe I could be wrong, like his BLEEP is muscular like the rest of his body.” See, ABC bleeped a word to make it seem like Michelle Money was talking about Cody’s penis. I’m pretty sure she was saying the word “heart” and they bleeped it to make it sound dirty. Grow up, ABC. Breahl is watching.

So, after one night, Michelle Money is now positive she’s in love with Cody. They run down the next morning to tell everyone they’re now dating. Everyone’s excited. It’s exciting. You guys were excited, too. Admit it. Cody says, “She might have broke the Code!” I’m now going to use the phrase “broke the code” in all of the sentences I don’t use “navigate my emotions”.

Sarahdise and Robert did not have a good night. Robert wore jeans to bed. JEANS! Robert didn’t want to get physical with Sarahdise and she’s super sad about it. They’re behind the other couples. They sit on a couch and discuss their lack of level with the rest of the group. These people are super open about their relationships, I’ll give them that. These deals are real. They broke the Code.

Sarah complains about Robert. She tells the camera how she tried to undo Robert’s pants while he slept. I’m uncomfortable. She explains how he didn’t try to touch her beneath the neck and how she isn’t even sure if he has a penis. Holy cow, this woman keeps talking. Robert wants the friendzone and Sarah wants the endzone. She wants Robert to break the Code. He didn’t want to be a Code breaker. There’s a bunch more talking. No one is reading this sentence. Keep up, if you were actually here.

Sarah wants someone to grope her all night and not sleep with their jeans on. Seriously, who wears their jeans to bed? I’d be more comfortable sleeping in a suit of armor. Robert is bummed out because he thought he was putting out love. He was really putting out flames. Flames of passion. Flames of Sarah’s passion. He put them out. He put out the flames of passion with his jeans. Robert wore jeans and Sarah lost love.

Sarah is now alone. Robert is alone. Sarah dumped Robert and now Sarah doesn’t have Robert or his jeans. HE WAS STILL WEARING HIS JEANS AS HE WALKED OFF THE BEACH! THEY’RE IN MEXICO! JEANS!

Sarah is heartbroken because she wanted her lower body kissed. She gets sympathy from the other two girls. They don’t kiss her lower body either. She keeps crying and talking. It keeps happening. It never stops happening. I can’t stop it from continuing to happen. I can’t do it at all. At all.

Just when you think the talking is over, we watch Robert pack and talk. He talks. Robert cries to the camera because he wanted love, he just moves too slow. He’s the kind of guy who likes to kiss above the neck and wear jeans to bed and on Mexican beaches. My crotch would start on fire if I wore a pair of jeans in Mexico.

As she’s crying in the limo, Sarah starts to realize that she shouldn’t have dumped Robert because he wore jeans to bed. She didn’t realize how real the deal was. The deal was real. Robert really liked her, even if he did wear jeans. Sarah is having regrets. We see them. The regrets stream down her face and go below her neck, a place Robert wouldn’t date venture.

Two couples remain. Chris Harrison stands before Michelle Money/Cody and Marcus/Lacy. He applauds their relationshipedness. Chris Harrison tells them that they now have to move their relationships to the real world. It’s exciting!
Harrison brings out former Bachelor winners in love to talk to them how to achieve maximum lovedness. We see terrible people like Jason Mesnick and the second woman he chose during his season. Desiree is here with her guy. She’s Dez, now. I can’t remember his name. Jason Mesnick and whatshernuts talk to Marcus to make sure he’s ready to love Lacy at home. He is. We see it in his eyes and chest.

We are reminded of Sean and Catherine and their grown sexiness. They talk to Cody and Michelle Money about loving and stuff. It happens. This all just keeps happening.

The ABC All Stars ask tough questions to the couples like whether or not they like Oreos and what their favorite body parts are. There is a bunch of love, with interviews spliced in. We even get to see Cody bench press Michelle Money again! Everyone is in love. I think we can all say that ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ is the greatest thing that has ever happened to Earth.

I was pretty sure the show was over, but ABC isn’t finished with me yet. Chris Harrison comes back out to further ruin my life with more real-dealedness. There’s a final rose ceremony. Cody gives a big long speech about meeting Michelle Money’s daughter and love and big arms. He gives her a rose and she accepts it. It’s accepty. Michelle also gives a speech and I look around for something to drop onto my head. We are forced to watch more talking and rose acceptance. I hate this show. I don’t like it at all. At all.

Cody and Michelle Money make out and slurp and Michelle Money gushes to the camera in all of her emptiness. She tells the camera how happy she is because Cody was meant for her all along. This, of course, was a guy she decided to randomly hook up with a week ago at a camp fire because she was the only woman without a dude that night.

Marcus and Lacy are about to begin their rose ceremony but Marcus puts it on hold to have a private conversation with Lacy. It’s super dramatic because he’s going to dump her! That’s what the dramatic music is telling us! This show is so void of content, ABC is forced to pretend like something is going to actually happen to try to salvage something.

Marcus and Lacy have their super private conversation in front of a million people. It’s just a love speech that was pulled aside so fake drama could be created. I could almost hear Bachelor producers telling him to pull Lacy aside so they could play scary music and act like he was dumping her. I hate this show so much. When I navigate my emotions through ‘Bachelor in Paradise’, I always arrive at hate.

Marcus proposes to Lacy. It’s totally dramatic. The music is happy. She says yes. They’re totally in love. I take it all back! This show is real. It’s the real deal. Where did he get the ring when they’re on a sex island? Nevermind! I don’t care! Marcus and Lacy are in love and they’re getting married. Keep up!

All of the other whores cheer about the super cool engagement. My wife and I high-five. Love is totally conquering everything. If you punched a hole into my stomach and grabbed a fist-full of my lower intestines, my blood would splatter out and your shirt would be stained with Marcus and Lacy’s love.

After that, they still do the stupid rose ceremony. Marcus and Lacy give their stupid speeches and we listen to them as terrible people look on and smile. At least Lacy is wearing a lot less make-up for this final part.

ABC recaps the season and gives us footnotes on how everyone is either still in love or broken up. There are also bloopers. This is my favorite part of the year because I don’t have to recap a ‘Bachelor’ show for a couple of months. Please stop reading these so I can stop forever. I’m begging you. This request is the real deal. You guys can break the Code.

Greg Bauch will be performing at Helium Comedy Club in the ‘Dirty Dozen’ show Wednesday 9/10 at 8 p.m. Click on a link on the side of this page for info.