Chris Soules still hasn’t found true and everlasting love
and it’s been three weeks. I know, I know, some people are so picky. You give a
guy 29 or so girlfriends and then video tape him without a shirt and he can’t even
find love in three weeks? This is taking forever. Luckily, Chris Harrison and
the coked up bunch at ABC have stirred up fun and games to distract us. It’s
‘The Bachelor’, and it happens whether you like it or not.
If you are one of the almost 400 people in our Bachelor
Fantasy League, you can check out the standings here. Special thanks to Simone
for being super smart and emailing me a spreadsheet that streamlines the score
keeping process. I’m sending you a rose with my heart and mind, Simone.
On to the recap!
This week is new and different as ABC pulled the lever on
cross promotion, bringing late night host Jimmy Kimmel in to spice things up. I
like and respect Jimmy Kimmel, but I fear this will be a failed experiment in
Network TV comedy. Jimmy Kimmel takes over the host duties, giving Chris
Harrison a much needed night off. All of the grueling “announcing the final
rose” duties fall on Kimmel’s shoulders.
We begin with Jimmy Kimmel walking in to Chris the Farmer’s
room to wake him up and surprise him. Chris the Farmer is super surprised. He
totally didn’t see this coming. He had no idea. Even when crew was setting up
the lighting and cameras and mapping out Kimmel’s entrance and then rehearsing
it, he had no idea. It was a goofy surprise. They’re all such goofers. You guys
totally LOLed, admit it.
The girls are all surprised too. They scream. Of course,
they scream at everything, so it’s not a good gauge. Jimmy makes jokes while
Chris Harrison stands next to him in his best casual wear. Harrison
is wearing a sport coat and jeans. He’s like a 1980’s stand-up comic.
The girls read the first date card. Kaitlyn is going on a
date with Chris the Farmer. I cannot recall ever seeing Kaitlyn before, but it’s
early in the season. The young lovers drive to a Costco. THIS SHOW HAS NO
RULES!
The Costco date is super goofy. The kids are given a
shopping list from Jimmy Kimmel and instructed to act like a real life couple. Jimmy
Kimmel is coming over for dinner. They shop for stuff like ketchup. It happens.
We watch it.
Costco looks like so much fun. They play in an inflatable ball
with some parentless kids. Then, they make out... Chris the Farmer and Kaitlyn,
not the parentless kids. It’s super fun. Chris the Farmer says, “Who the hell
needs helicopters when there’s Costco?” I’m sure Bachelor lawyers will make him
pay for that statement.
When that’s over, they go home to cook dinner like a normal
couple would. It’s normal, except for the motorcycle sitting in living room. The
motorcycle is abnormal. They sit on a couch and make out like a normal couple.
They laugh a lot. Seriously, why would you read this?
Jimmy Kimmel interrupts a slurpy make out session to bring
more fun. Basically, Jimmy stands around and does schtick while everyone
uncomfortably laughs. It’s uncomfortable, but normal… because Chris the Farmer
and Kaitlyn are a normal couple.
Jimmy asks some tough questions about Fantasy Suites.
Kaitlyn doesn’t mind if Chris the Farmer sleeps with other women in the Fantasy
Suite because “you can’t buy a car without test driving it first.” It’s a super
creepy conversation. This is the most uncomfortable I’ve ever been, and I’ve
been folded into a couch bed before. As soon as Jimmy Kimmel leaves, Chris the
Farmer and Kaitlyn make out in a hot tub. 10 points.
When we get back from commercial, they show Jillian working
out. Her crotch is blacked out to protect the innocent. The group date is next.
Only 47 women are involved. They take the harem to a farm so they can do farm
stuff. It’s farmy. Kimmel calls it a Ho-down throw-down. The ladies are tasked
with doing farmer-type stuff like shucking corn, egg collecting, goat milking
and pig wrestling. It’s grown sexy.
Now, in the Fantasy League, I was giving 5 points for
milking a cow, but I think we can all agree that a goat is close enough.
I’m not going to lie to you guys, watching the ladies milk
goats was hilarious, especially with Jillian’s blacked-out crotch. Amber isn’t
a fan of goat milk. She says she doesn’t like salty and warm stuff in her
mouth. That’s farm speak as sexual innuendo! Five points for Amber! Carly
shucks, milks and pig-wrestles her way to victory. She wins a ribbon, time with
Chris the Farmer and memories.
The group date cocktail party is next. The group goes to one
of the million outdoor pool places in Hollywood
for drinks and awkwardness. Carly pulls Chris the Farmer aside immediately to
make out with him. Four seconds later, Amber makes out with him. We’re 30
minutes in and there’s been a lot of slurping.
Mackenzie doesn’t like that her boyfriend makes out with all
of his other girlfriends. She confronts him on it. It’s super comfortable.
Chris the Farmer doesn’t like the question. It would appear that Mackenzie has
blown her chances at being Mrs. Farmer.
Becca pulls Chris the Farmer aside to tell him that she only
put her like on hold and took a chance because of who he is. Becca wants to
make out with Chris the Farmer, but she’s shy. She talks about how she wants to
make out with Chris the Farmer to make things as awkward as possible. She
achieves maximum awkwardness. She also tells the camera that she’s developing a
connection, earning her a point. Becca gets the group date rose. If this is
your first time watching the show, getting the group date rose is a big deal.
Keep up!
Whitney gets a one-on-one date. When the girls find out that
Whitney is getting her one-on-one date, Ashley I. screams because she’s super
excited for her friend to get alone time with her boyfriend. Ashley I. earns a
point for pretending to be happy.
Chris the Farmer wears a bright pink shirt for their
one-on-one date. Between Whitney’s voice and Chris’ shirt, I feel like I’m
watching a cartoon. The happy couple sits on a bail of hay or something and
drinks wine. It’s super romantic. It’s all I can do to not cry.
Chris the Farmer tells Whitney that he likes girls who can
be spontaneous and mingle with strangers. In an incredible twist fate, it just
so happens that there’s a wedding happening next to their hay bale, so they
decide to go down and crash the wedding. It’s totally spontaneous and not at
all planned! Whitney even says, “YOLO!” I’m not sure what that means. It’s
completely unexpected!
Now remember, this is completely unplanned. It’s so
unplanned that ABC only had time to have the couple change into clothes they
just happen to have with them, get a wedding gift for the unexpected wedding
crash bride and groom, and then set up hidden cameras to capture several angles
of this completely spontaneous and unplanned event. It’s so random. You only
YOLO once!
Whitney and Chris the Farmer mingle with the wedding guests,
trying not to give themselves away. Chris the Farmer screws up and acts
nervous, but Whitney pulls it together to keep the rouse alive. She’s super
spontaneous and YOLO. Chris the Farmer should make her Whitney the Farmer.
Whitney and Chris the Farmer make out on the dance floor of
their crashed wedding. You know, they may have crashed the wedding, but they
certainly didn’t crash their relationship. It’s full speed ahead! These two can
YOLO as many times as they want.
Whitney tells the camera that she can see herself with Chris
Soules for the rest of her life. She says his name fast, so it sounds like she’s
saying “crystals.” Crystals
also tells the camera that he can imagine being with Whitney for the rest of
his life. These guys are totally YOLOing until the goats come home.
Whitney says that she’s the happiest girl in the world. Too
bad if you thought you were the happiest girl in the world, because you’re
clearly second or maybe even third. As they go to commercial, ABC shows us the
moon. These guys love that moon.
As we come back for commercial, we get to see Chris the
Farmer showering. Jimmy Kimmel is showering with him. It’s super goofy. I LOL ‘cause
YOLO. Jimmy Kimmel tells the girls that the cocktail party is being replaced by
a pool party. It’s a good excuse to show more of Chris the Farmer’s chest. We
also get to see more of Jillian’s blacked-out crotch. No matter what she’s
wearing, it’s not covering enough. ABC doesn’t mind showing us full out tongues
going into mouths for a half-hour, but don’t show a crotch without a black bar
over it. It’s all just skin, ABC.
Immediately after showing us a blacked-out crotch, Juelia
pulls Chris the Farmer aside to tell him about how the father of her child committed
suicide. I don’t think it’s exactly pool party conversation, but I haven’t been
to a ton of pool parties.
Yep. |
Juelia explains the traumatic memories leading up to the
suicide. ABC gives us “Juelia‘s boyfriend committed suicide” music. It’s a
special mix. The suicide story takes about six minutes, which is a long time.
It’s super dramatic and sad. Luckily, shirtless Chris the Farmer is there to
console her. He even asks a Bachelor intern off camera for a tissue. He’s such
a gentleman!
Four seconds after the grueling suicide story, we get back
to the fun pool party. Chris the Farmer gets some alone time with Britt. They
make out with Juelia’s suicide story fresh on his mind. The other girls sit
around drinking and watching Chris the Farmer make out with the more aggressive
girls.
Jade ups her game and YOLOs. She grabs Chris the Farmer and
brings him back to his house. Chris the Farmer says he wants to test his bed,
so he gets a running start and jumps on his bed. When it’s Jade’s turn to test
the bed, she kind of half-asses it. She hardly even jumps. Chris the Farmer
doesn’t care about Jade’s bed-testing skills because he agrees to make out with
her. Jade’s bathing suit is nude colored, so it looks like they’re showing her
boons, but they’re not. I guess this show has some rules.
Jillian and her blacked out crotch realizes what’s going on and
decides to YOLO herself into the scene. She interrupts Jade’s YOLO for her own
personal YOLO. Jillian and Chris the Farmer hang out in a hot tub. They talk
and hug, and then make out. 5 points. This guy makes out with a lot of women.
He’s such a gentleman!
Mackenzie interrupts the hot tub make out session. This girl
already talked her way off the show, now she’s interrupting hot tub make out
sessions! Mackenzie isn’t doing well tonight.
Other girls join the hot tub make out interruption to talk. The
girls openly discuss the allocation of alone time with Chris the Farmer. They
say things like, “Do you want to get 5 minutes of alone time now and I’ll get 5
minutes after that?” It’s prostitutioney.
Ashley I. freaks out because she doesn’t want to talk with a
bunch of Chris the Farmer’s girlfriends. She wants to be Chris the Farmer’s
only girlfriend. Boy, is she on the wrong show!
Ashley I. wants Jillian to give her free time with Chris the
Farmer, but Jillian won’t. People with blacked out crotches can be so rude. Ashley
I. cries to the camera about how unfair life is, and I tend to agree. I don’t
think this is fair at all. It’s unfair. There, I said it.
Ashley I. runs back to the mansion. It’s her way of dealing
with it all. YOLO.
Chris the Farmer tracks her down to make her feel better. He’s
such a gentleman. He tries to comfort Ashley I., but she’s really drunk and
emotional. They’re both kind of drunk. You’re not going to believe this, but
they totally make out. It’s the most slurpy make out session of all slurpy make
out sessions. We’ve reached new levels of slurp. Life will never be the same.
It’s like when people who die for a minute and see heaven.
The Rose Ceremony is next. Time has just flown by because we
were all having so much fun. You guys were having so much fun, admit it. Chris
the Farmer dumps a couple of his girlfriends.
Even though she questioned Chris the Farmer’s kissing and interrupted
his hot tub make out session, Mackenzie got a rose. Because she didn’t do
anything psychopathy, Ashley S. got a rose. I guess ABC decided it wasn’t time
to send her home. They’re the boss. Megan gets a rose because she has giant
boobs.
Amber got some tongue this week, but didn’t get a rose. Some
girl named Tracy
was sent home. I didn’t know anything about her. Another girl didn’t get a rose
and I don’t know who she was. It doesn’t matter. Whitney was right. YOLO. I’m
going to YOLO all of the time now.
Don’t forget to listen to ‘We Bros Accept this Rose’, my
awesome podcast with Shaun Murphy where we discuss all of this stuff. It’s fun
and we’re allowed to show boobs.
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