Friday, November 28, 2008


About 15 years ago, I was at a family picnic shooting hoops with a distant relative that I didn't really know. For some reason I felt like lying so, when he asked me what my name is, I said, "My name is Greg...but my left leg is a little longer than my right my friends call my stretch."It was just a horrible random lie that I didn't even plan on telling.

I think my brain called an audible in an attempt to seem interesting.Well, the guy was nice enough to call me "stretch" throughout our grueling game of HORSE and I felt cool for 15 minutes. Then, as my brother walked over, I started to panic over the idea of this complete stranger calling me "stretch" in front of him and uncovering my lie. So, right before Mike got there I said, "Don't call me stretch!" in kind of an angry, frantic tone.

Needless to say, we didn't stay in touch.

That 15 minutes was the closest I've ever come to having a nickname. They're not the kind of thing you can just give yourself and still be a respectable member of society.

I have rejected a couple of nicknames people tried to give me throughout my life:
- Purple (when this kid punched me in the stomach and knocked the wind out of me)
- Gimpy
- Red
- Mr. Marvelous

And, if someone out there wants to initiate, I've always been partial to these for nicknames:
- Captain Pain Bringer
- Ebsen Flows
- Poseidon

Just keeping you informed.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

NFL Firsts

Although over 60% of the gambling community would beg to differ, the NFL had a first this past Sunday. After an apparent Troy Polamalu defensive touchdown was disallowed, the scoreboard in Pittsburgh showed that the Steelers squeezed past San Diego by a point. It was the first 11-to-10 final in league history.

That's amazing.

Going all the way back to October 3rd, 1920, when the Dayton Triangles beat the Columbus Panhandles 14-to-0, there hasn't been a single game with the final score 11-to-10. I find that hard to believe considering all of these Ravens/ Titans games of this decade.

In a world where Vikings QB Brad Johnson can throw a touchdown pass to Vikings QB Brad Johnson, a game never ended 11-to-10?

In a world where the Bills and 49ers can play a game without a punt, a game has never ended 11-to-10?

In a world where a Bucaneer Front Office can get together and say, "Hey! These white and orange jerseys are a great idea!", a game has never ended 11-to-10?

In a world where fill-up stations can somehow add 9/10th of a cent per gallon to the price of gas and no one asks questions, a game has never ended 11-to-10?

It made me wonder about what other surprising "firsts" could be coming to the NFL in the next couple of weeks.
- There has never been a 2-0 football game. The lowest score occurred when the Jets beat Washington 3-0 in 1993.
- There has never been a game that ended 73-to-41. The highest ever score was recorded in 1966 when the Redskins beat Dallas 72-to-41.
- There has never been an NFL game played on January 1st.
- The Bills have never won a Superbowl.

That's about it. Everything else has happened.

Monday, November 17, 2008


If you're going to betray your people for money and befriend one of the most ruthless leaders in World History, you deserve to be outdone by your own ignorance.

Take Benny.

He successfully masquerades as a taxi cab driver and infiltrates the rebels, gaining Douglas Quaid's trust. He leads the dictator's army directly to the Rebel leader, who they assassinate.

Then Benny corners Douglas Quaid, the Rebel army's last chance to save Mars, and what does he do? He attacks him with a slow moving, drill-equipped construction truck.

Not a gun; A big truck with a drill on the front.

I realize the opportunity to yell, "I'm gonna drill you sucka!" must have been too tasty to pass up, but he could have just shot Quaid in the leg, and then drilled him to the wall.

Of course, Quaid side-stepped the drill, grabbed his own manual drill to kill Benny, and went on to save Mars by giving the planet atmosphere. Benny actually managed to save Quaid time by drilling a hole in the cave wall that led directly to the atmosphere on/off switch.

Be better than that, Benny.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Presidential Fantasy Draft

Mike Schopp and the Bulldog decided there was no better way to celebrate Election Day than by holding a Presidents of the United States of America Fantasy Draft.

Mike, Bulldog, Andrew Fillipponi and Greg Bauch drafted past and present American Leaders. Feel free to determine a winner via email.
(The Overall pick is in parentheses)

Greg Bauch
1. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1) "If there were a President Fantasy Draft Magazine, he's on the cover."
2. Woodrow Wilson (8)
3. John Tyler (9) "Brought in Florida and Texas to the U.S. Where would College Football be without him?"
4. John Adams (16)
5. Grover Cleveland's 1st Term (17)
6. Bill Clinton (24)
7. Calvin Coolidge (25)
8. Warren G. Harding (32)
9. Obama (33)
10. Andrew Johnson (40) "He was to Abe Lincoln like Michael Turner was to LaDanian Tomlinson."
11. Franklin Pierce (41)

Mike Schopp
1. Abe Lincoln (2) "There's only one Abraham Lincoln. I have a jersey that says, "Abe 01."
2. John F. Kennedy (7) "He's the 'Antonio Gates' of this draft."
3. Ronald Reagan (10)
4. James Madison (15)
5. Richard Nixon (18)
6. Ulysses Grant (23) "Great beard."
7. James Garfield (26)
8. Rutherford B. Hayes (31)
9. George W. Bush (34) "Chemistry pick"
10. Herbert Hoover (39)
11. William Henry Harrison (42)

Andrew Fillipponi
1. George Washington (3) Bulldog says, "I think (Washington) was overated. I think his line was so good, anyone could have succeeded."
2. Teddy Roosevelt (6)
3. Harry Truman (11)
4. James Polk (14)
5. Andrew Jackson (19) "Polk was 'Young Hickory'. Jackson was 'Old Hickory'. I have the 'Hickory Monopoly."
6. Lyndon B. Johnson (22)
7. William Taft (27)
8. William McKinley (30) Andrew- "He was 2-and-0 in wars. He was unbeaten."
9. Gerald Ford (35)
10. Martin Van Buren (38)
11. George H. W. Bush (43) (the Father, not the son.)

The Bulldog
1. Thomas Jefferson (4)
2. Dwight Eisenhower (5) "from the 50's to the 60's, it was Happy Days."
3. James Monroe (12) Bulldog- "He's got a Doctrine!" Mike- "That's like having 3,000 hits!"
4. Millard Fillmore (13)
5. Grover Cleveland's 2nd term (20)
6. John Quincy Adams (21)
7. Zachary Taylor (28)
8. Jimmy Carter (29)
9. Benjamin Harrison (36) "I feel sorry for him because he's sandwiched in between the Cleveland terms."
10. Chester A. Arthur (37)
11. James Buchanan (44)

Who is the winner? You decide America.
Listen to the entire draft at

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Evil Baby

We were watching a Lifetime movie last night about an evil baby. When I saw it, I had to admit, "that baby looks a little evil."

It got me thinking, if a movie company was making a movie about an evil baby, then they must have put out a casting call for evil-looking babies.

What kind of parents answer that ad? "You know honey, I always thought out baby looked a little evil. Everytime I look at her, I feel like she's stealing little pieces of my soul. Let's go to Hollywood."

And how does the career of this 'evil baby' turn out? She'll probably be type casted for the rest of her life.
-"I'm sorry, we were looking for a mildly irrated baby. Your baby is just evil. Please leave."

(adult years)
- "Okay, for this movie, we're looking for a strong woman who is trampled on her whole life but then rises above her abusive husband and father to start a small business. What other work have you done in your career?"

- "I was an evil baby.

"I'm just saying, think before your put your baby in that situation.

The evil baby movie was a little too we switched over to 'Garfield 2- Tale of Two Kitties"
Those fucking English cats think they're so fucking perfect.