Monday, January 28, 2013

Bachelor Recap- You Can't Love if You Can't Roller Derby

We’re 48 weeks into the newest season of the Bachelor. It’s actually only 4, but it feels like much more than that. I know these people better than I know my own family. I’m starting to build a connection with some of the girls.

Sean Lowe moved one step closer to true ‘televised’ love last week. He dumped 3 of his 16 girlfriends so, now he only has 13 girlfriends. He’s almost in a normal ‘televised’ relationship. There will be a pair of 1-on-1 dates and a group date. The previews are telling us that one of the girls is going to get injured this week. Another ambulance visit could be on the way. This show is brutal. The Bills put less people on injured reserve than the Bachelor. (Sports quota filled, like, 8 sentences in. It’s a new record.)

Sean contemplates love while getting ready to brush his teeth. He says, “My goal last week was to make the girls feel comfortable with me.” So, he dated 16 of them. Sean also goes into his closet with his shirt off. Luckily, cameras were there. Sean doesn’t do any sit-ups this week, so there’s a chance his muscles will atrophy.

Leslie H. wants a 1-on-1 date and cries about it… a lot. She’s really crying, “I just want Sean to see that I do have a heart”. She should totally get an x-ray of her heart and then hand it to him in some sort of creepy ‘real-live-beating-heart’ scrapbook.

Despite crying, Leslie H. does not get the first date. Selma gets the first 1-on-1 date. We’re far enough into the season that I should know who Selma is but I do not. The date card tells Selma that they’re going somewhere hot. I say a little prayer that they’re repelling into a volcano.

Sean takes her for a jeep ride. Heavy guitar rock plays Selma and Sean through their jeep ride. “I’m an outdoorsy guy.”, Sean says. Outdoorsy guys pee off boats and sneak moths into their friends’ beer cans. They don’t use words like ‘outdoorsy’. By the way, computer, ‘outdoorsy’ is a word? Seriously? I hate this computer.

They drive the jeep to a plane. “It’s beyond everything I’ve ever imagined. I feel like a princess in a castle.” Selma says while wearing yoga pants on the plane.

The plane flies them to a desert. Selma is not impressed with the desert. She says “He took the Iraqi to a desert?” Bachelor producers have outdone themselves. One-armed girls repelling buildings. Iraqis in the desert. Next season, I hope the Bachelor is a Grizzly bear and one of the contestants is a salmon.

When they land, they go rock climbing. Sean says, “I know rock-climbing is out of her comfort zone…” and keeps talking. Selma doesn’t like heat or heights. Bachelor producers read these facts on her eHarmony-type ‘Bachelor’ compatibility test and decided, “We need to put her in a desert and have her climb a mountain so Sean can find love!”

I did a Google search of ‘Desert’ to make sure I wasn’t confusing it with ‘Dessert’. Google asked if I was searching for ‘Desert Deli’, which means there is a business out there somewhere that provides meats,  cheeses and cakes in the middle of a barren, arid land.

The mountain climb is super dramatic because Selma dug deep after being inspired by Sean. When they’re done climbing a mountain, they stand on top of the mountain and Sean hugs Selma in a way that makes her boobs protrude. It’s a nice moment for me.

We come back from commercial with a ‘Moon’ shot. (Fist pump!) They wind down with a private pool party in an RV museum or something. Really, please just skip to the next paragraph. Sea n wants to kiss Selma. Selma tells the camera that she can’t kiss Sean because her Mom is watching and will totally freak out. Selma spills the beans on her strict culture and you can see Sean’s eyes glaze over as he begins to cross Selma off of his ‘Fantasy Suite’ list. No abs, no rose. That’s the Bachelor code. Sean says he respects it but he’s also dating a dozen other women. He gives Selma a rose because he basically had to. They lie down together and talk in growly, quiet voices. It’s super adorable. ABC knows that some people can’t understand adorable, growly, quiet talk so they provide subtitles for the important parts.

The group date is next. The girls speculate as to what they are doing. “I think we’re getting into those giant Hamster ball things and rolling down a hill”, says Lindsay/Linsey/LinZ. She’s close. It’s a Roller Derby arena. ABC is making a one-armed girl and others Roller Derby. I suppose, it is better than Volleyball. Tierra, this year’s villain tells the camera that she’s going to hurt someone. The Bachelor ambulance warms up in the parking lot.

The girls prep for Roller Derby and fall all over the place. One-armed Sarah cries because she’s afraid she’ll get hurt. They keep showing her fall. Bachelor producers can be heard off-camera, whistling and looking away. Sean tells her that she doesn’t need to Roller Derby. Sarah bucks up and Roller Derbies. (Derby’s? Derbies? Who cares? It’s not even a verb.)

One of the girls says, “I hope I don’t die”. Amanda falls and smacks her chin on the floor. Once again, these idiot Bachelor camera guys, who never miss a single frame of shirtless Sean, can never seem to capture these hoochies injuring themselves. (Update: 8 or so years of recapping this show and my computer still doesn’t think that ‘hoochie’ is a word)

Amanda gets checked out by doctors and goes to the hospital. Sean steps in and cancels Roller Derby. They do an all-skate instead. Somewhere, off-camera, a Bachelor producer breaks a clipboard in half over his knee. America watches a bunch of adults skate.

After that stupid date, the girls get dolled up to go drink on a roof. I have “drink on a roof” saved on my desktop so I can just copy and paste it each week instead of re-typing it. Tierra complains about the fact that she’s on a group date and her eyebrow goes up three floors. You can judge her intensity by how high her eyebrow goes up when she talks. She’s straight-up crazy.

Sean pulls Sarah aside to tell her how proud he is that she has one arm. The rest of the girls sit on couches to allow Tierra time to throw out evil looks set to evil music. Amanda comes back from the hospital to tell Sean how much her mouth hurts. She’s wearing jams.

Tierra and the rest of the girls go back to hating each other. A fight breaks out over nothing.  Tierra threatens to leave because she’s not getting the attention she desperately craves. Tierra jumps up and leaves saying, “I can’t take the fakeness from any of these girls anymore”.  She is one of the fakest girls on the planet.
While Tierra is crying and leaving, Sean is on his way to a hot tub with one of the other girls. Tierra basically ruins hot tub time so, now she’s on my list. You don’t interrupt ‘hot tub’ time. That’s unacceptable. I pay my taxes. I pray to God. I work hard all day and, when I come home, I want my ‘hot tub’ time!

Sean talks Tierra out of leaving even though she was never close to leaving her blooming ‘attention’ garden. Tierra gets her attention and successfully ruins ‘hot tub’ time. She’s the devil. I can see why the other girls hate her. Sean gives her a rose. The rest of the girls start carving their toothbrushes into shivs. The rest of the night goes on without incident, or ‘hot tub’ time and I’m angry.

Professional crier, Leslie H., gets the other 1-on-1 date. She also gets a pair of diamond earrings so the other girls want her face to be dragged across a barbed wire fence. She’s asked if she likes her earrings and she says, “Holy Moly, do I like them!” As they’re speeding away in a sports car, Leslie says, “Holy Moly, Batman!” This is my first taste of Leslie H. and, I must say, I didn’t realize she was such a tremendous spaz.
Sean takes her shopping on Rodeo Drive. She gets an expensive store all to herself and tries on dresses. She says that, “It’s every girl’s dream”. Watching it is my nightmare. Sean takes her to get shoes. She, again, says that it’s every girl’s dream. Then, Sean takes her to see that diamond guy who has to be on every Bachelor finale. Diamond guy gives Leslie H. a diamond necklace that costs more than Louisiana.

Leslie says, “Sean has taken control and made me feel more like a woman than I’ve ever felt before”. Yes, because Sean bought all of this crap and set up the shutting down of Rodeo Drive. Sean really did take charge.

After we are forced to watch shopping, Sean and Leslie go to a museum or something to eat on television. Leslie says, “Holy Moly” for the third time. They get to know each other while America watches.
Leslie reluctantly talks about her past relationship and laughs like Lewis from ‘Revenge of the Nerds’.

 Around the 3,000th time she laughs, Sean tells the camera that he’s not feeling a connection. If you’re new to the Bachelor, ‘feeling a connection’ is the most important thing a human can do. No connection, no rose. Leslie is toast. The music changes from ‘fun’ to ‘tragic’. Before she’s able to finish her Champaign, Sean dumps her. He picks up the rose first like he’s about to give it to her. Leslie’s face is heart breaking. She felt a connection. She’s not laughing anymore, which is good for the rest of us.

Sean walks her to the Bachelor minivan. Leslie, a true trooper, warns Sean about bad girls in the house, hinting that Tierra the ‘hot tub’ time destroyer may be bad news. Sean goes back into the restaurant/museum place where there was supposed to be a romantic private concert by ‘Taylor’ or something. ABC already paid ‘Taylor’ to play music so Sean just hangs out and thinks by a railing while these two guys play music to an empty room. Watching it is the most fun I’ve ever had.

Sean is sad. He is beginning to doubt the process. He drops the rose off the railing and BACHELOR CAMERAS CAPTURE IT FALLING! Sure, guys. If a person falls 30 feet, you’re off eating sandwiches, but Sean drops a rose and you get 4 different angles! I’m betting they did several takes of the rose drop. Some poor intern had to stand in the rose landing circle for 40 minutes while they lit it.

The cocktail party is next. Sean spends more time with his girlfriends. The last remaining black girl, Robyn, brings some chocolate to Sean and asks him if he wants to taste chocolate. She’s not talking about chocolate. She’s talking about being black. I get it. They make out. She giggles. Sean tastes chocolate. It’s the opposite of hot.

The rest of the girls sit on couches to hate Tierra. Tierra confronts Robyn on being mean to her. Tierra says that she’s never not liked her. I can’t believe you’ve read down this far. The music gets pretty dramatic. I turn down the T.V. so my neighbors don’t call the cops. Tierra tries to be friends and then tells the camera that she’s lying. She’s a liar. She lies.

She gets some alone time on the couch with Sean and, don’t worry, the girls know she’s fake. They’re calling her ‘Tierrable’. Get it? Tierra? Terrible? Tierrable? My computer doesn’t get it. My computer doesn’t think that ‘Tierrable’ is a word. I just right-clicked ‘Tierrable’ and taught it to my computer. My computer now thinks that ‘Tierrable’ is a word.

Catherine and Sean walk away to make out. It’s awkward. She tells Sean that she has a crush on him. She doesn’t say ‘connection’. I doubt Sean even understood what she meant. What the hell is a crush? Who knows?

The rose ceremony is next. Amanda gets dumped. She has an incredible ability to often look horrible. Sean walks her out. She says, “I feel really rejected”. Rejection will do that. Amanda says, “It’s not fair”. To recap, a woman who wanted to be on television and live in a mansion with the other girlfriends of the total stranger she is dating just called that process “not fair”. Sean only has 11 girlfriends left. One of them he can’t kiss. One of them is a liar who lies. One of them has one arm. One of them is black.

There are two episodes next week on Monday and Tuesday and I hate this country.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Bachelor Recap- Two-Armed Girl Falls Down Stairs

Every once and awhile, I’m reminded how bad the Bachelor is. It’s bad every second of every episode, but just ‘punch me in the eye socket’ bad, not ‘shun modern technology and go dig a hole in the woods to live in’ bad. Last night’s episode of the Bachelor was beyond bad. It was ‘boring’ bad. That’s the worst kind of bad. Recapping ‘boring’ is boring. Feel free to skip this recap and read a toothpaste tube or something. I won’t be offended.

Sean Lowe is dating 16 women in an attempt to find his one, true possible 6-month engagement, assuming the right girl agrees to have sex with him in a hotel room in Africa or Venice in the same week that 2 of his other girlfriends have sex with him in a hotel room in the same magical city. It’s a fairy tale. It’s the Bachelor.

This week, the stakes are higher than ever. If any of these girls are sent home this early in the running, they’re almost assured of never coming back for a different season of the Bachelor to pretend like they’re in love. That’s a top-3 girl gig. And, don’t even talk about getting a gig as contestants for other crappy ABC programming. Top-16 finishers don’t dance as stars. You need to get to the final week. Or, have one arm. That one-arm girl is already taking Ballroom dancing lessons, if she’s smart.

There will be a pair of unrealistic 1-on-1 dates, and an alcohol-fueled group date. Also, we have been promised, numerous times, that one of the girls is going to get hurt and need an ambulance. It could be this week, America! Keep your fingers crossed. If I don’t see at least one ambulance tonight, I might just fall down the stairs myself.

Every week, we begin with Sean doing something with his shirt off and it’s never long division. This week, its sit-ups and treadmill work. Do they tape a bunch of stock ‘shirt off’ footage in one day, or does this poor camera crew have to trudge up to Sean’s mansion every week to get his Pilates session on film?

Dating 16 women at once is difficult. Sean says, “I find myself really digging a lot of these women and it has blown me away right now”.  I kiss my fingers, ball them into a fist, tap my chest twice, point at the T.V. and say, “Dig deep, Sean”.

Lesley gets the first 1-on-1. Bachelor producers thought it would be fun to send them to the Guinness Museum to try and break the World record for longest on-screen kiss. The record is 3 minutes and 16 seconds, which doesn’t seem impressive. That’s not a long time until you consider the amount of slobber that can build up in your mouth. Chris Harrison gathers a crowd to watch this monumental event. The crowd is super into it… for the first 8 seconds. That excitement will cool off soon.

They show the entire 3:16 kiss. It’s not fun. It’s awkward. For the first time in Bachelor history, I feel bad for the people on the Bachelor. I wouldn’t even want to stand that long. Chris Harrison tries to help break the monotony by interviewing bystanders. The questions are hard hitting, like, “Isn’t this crazy?” He should work for Channel 2.

They break the record and a bunch of people riot to celebrate. Lesley says, “Today has been the best day of my life.” Lesley has obviously never been to Sea World. Sean’s Dad is in the Guinness book of records for driving to 47 states in 97 hours and 7 minutes. Please write that down in case it comes up in conversation.

After their Guinness kiss, they head to a roof or something to lie on a couch to drink and make out some more. Lesley tells Sean that she wants what her parents had. Her parents also dated in groups of 20. Sean tells Lesley that they’ve connected quickly and gives her a rose. He likes her. You don’t just throw around words like ‘connect’. Lesley tells the camera that she’s falling in love and that Sean is perfect because they’ve known each other for, about, 6 days. I hope Sean still appears ‘perfect’ the first time they’re late for a friend’s wedding or a doctor appointment and Sean accidentally makes a wrong turn.

Sean tells the camera that he has connected with Lesley on so many levels. Those levels are: 1. Kissing 2. Drunkenness. 3. ?

The group date is next. Sean takes 12 girls to the beach. They play volleyball and Sean takes off his shirt. Kristy is wearing a head band that makes her look like the Karate Kid and that isn’t a compliment. Chris Harrison comes to ruin the fun by orchestrating a volleyball game. They split the girls in half and the losing team has to leave the beach immediately and gets no more time with Sean.

The girls freak out. Less time with Sean is a bad thing. Daniella says, “This is, literally, my worst nightmare”. So, to recap, Daniella’s worst nightmare is losing a beach volleyball game and getting a little less time to share her boyfriend with 11 of his other girlfriends. My worst nightmare is hearing my wife being tortured on the other end of a phone and being helpless to do anything about it. She keeps telling me that she’s okay, but she can’t help screaming out from the unbearable pain and, suddenly the line is silent and I yell out her name but, she doesn’t answer because she’s dead. Then I hear wolves growling. I guess the volleyball thing is terrible too.

The volleyball action is not fun to watch, and that’s just the footage they show. ABC really dropped the ball by not having the one-armed girl in on the volleyball game. I haven’t even seen one-arm girl yet.
The losing team loses. Headband cries. She cries a lot. She cries like she's watching 'Beaches'. More girls cry on their bus ride home. The music provided fitting for a court scene where an innocent person is sentenced to death, not a model having to leave the beach an hour early.

“I am this fun girl who he sees, but he hasn’t seen the romantic, serious side of me.”- a quote from Daniella, tonight’s ‘quote’ machine.

The winning team spends their bonus time with Sean and you can clearly see the advantage gained. Connections are flying around like bats in the Aud. (Sports quote filled) Lindsay/Lindsey/LiNdSee pulls Sean aside to talk about how she wants a best friend and then proceeds to break the Guinness Record for longest on-screen kiss. There is much slurping. I’m glad I don’t watch this show with my parents.

Another girl makes out with Sean. Crazy girl Amanda who didn’t talk last week is talking. She tells Sean, “I have something super serious to talk about”. And, she does. She tells Sean that she’ll be fun if they get married. It’s a great idea to talk about how much fun you’ll be to marry to a guy dating 16 women. The rest of the girls hate Amanda for being creepy. Amanda brags to the other girls about how good she is at talking to Sean.

KCB pulls Sean aside to tell him that Amanda has the wrong intentions. Sean tells KCB to shut up and to not be crazy. KCB messed up. Lesson learned, ladies. Don’t pull aside the guy you’re dating to tell him that one of the other 15 girls he’s dating has the wrong intentions.

Sean gives Lindsay/Lindzee/Lynn-Z (no, the other one) the rose because she’s not crazy. KCB cries to the camera and storms off to cry off-camera.

The next 1-on-1 date goes to Ashley/AshLee/Asthleigh. She says, “Nothing will or can go wrong today”. Then, Tierra falls down a flight of stairs. Sean arrives and asks if she’s okay. FINALLY A FREAKING AMBULANCE ARRIVES. (It’s actually just a fire truck, but I’ll take it.) Bachelor medics come and strap her to a gurney. Tierra tells them that this precaution is stupid and to let her go. The rest of the girls complain that she’s a drama queen, which makes no sense. ABC attorneys rush in to have Tierra sign several forms.
Side note: Why couldn’t we see Tierra fall down the stairs? Did cameras not catch this? They film Sean brushing his teeth, but we’re asleep at the switch when someone good happens? It’s an injustice. It’s like NFL Films missing the Immaculate Reception. (Boom)

Sean moves in with some medical advice. He says, “As a guy who has had several concussions…” and it goes on.

Ashley/AshLee/Ashleigh is mad because Tierra’s dramatic stair fall is cutting into her time with Sean. It does. It totally cuts into her time. Sean and Tierra hang out so he can extoll his concussion wisdom on her.
I didn’t know Grey’s Anatomy is still a thing.

With stair-gate over, Sean and Ashley/AsHlie/Ashlie hop in a jeep and drive to Six Flags amusement park which has been shut down just for them. AshLee is excited because she gets to walk around a theme park all day in six-inch heels. Sean announces that they’re sharing their date with two chronically ill kids. AshLEE manages to not complain to the camera about having to share Shawn some more.

Ashley gushes to the camera about how sweet Sean is to do this for the sick kids, because this was totally Sean’s idea and not the idea of a Bachelor producer. The two kids were best friends on-line who have never met and they’re both super cute and I have nothing snarky to say.

There’s definitely less making out going on, thankfully. They ride rides and play games over soft lute music. Sean brings them to a private Eli Young concert. I don’t know who he is but everyone seems happy. I wonder if these private ‘Bachelor’ concerts count towards the attendance records for the tours of these bands.

After the fun, Sean and Ashley retreat to a couch to talk about their fun day, drink and talk about Ashley’s abusive guardians. Sean says, “I can feel the love coming from your heart as you speak” and, honestly, it comes through my T.V. as well. I had the speakers turned up pretty high. Ashley/AshLee/Ashleigh talks about the loving, adoptive Father who found her and Sean cries and gives her a rose and this episode isn’t exactly conforming to my template of Bachelor Recaps here. It’s emotional. Ashley/ashLEE/AsheLEIGH does tell the camera she’s in love with Sean and that’s a bit much but, whatever. ABC closes the scene with a shot of the moon and I seriously can’t believe we almost made through week 3 without a moon shot.

During the break, there’s a grill cheese commercial and I now know that humans will never be able to telekinetically make grill cheese sandwiches appear because I almost had a stroke trying to make it happen. Also, my wife thinks the City Matress guy’s head is too small for his body.

The cocktail party is next. Sean and his 16 girlfriends drink and further build their connections. Sean tells the girls that his heart is still wide open.

Sarah, the girl with one arm, hasn’t been on camera all night so Sean pulls her aside to bring her a dog. It’s her dog. I guess Sarah had a dog and missed him. It’s adorable. This episode has sucked away my will to live. He’s dating 16 girls.

Tierra brings the drama by butting in on everyone’s time with Sean and hogging Sean. The rest of the girls sit on couches to complain. Tierra is fully recovered from her fall down the stairs. Someone interrupts Tierra’s time and she says something about punching something. Then, there’s more stealing and dramatic music and complaining. I hate this show.

It’s absolutely ridiculous that anyone would see any value, integrity or sincerity in this program. It is garbage.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Sean dumps a bunch of his girlfriends, but not before pulling KCB out of the room to dump her privately. He says they’re friends. I always pull my friends aside to dump them and push them into a limo. KCB handles it well. She cries in the limo. Then, he dumps other girls. One of them was the headband girl. I think she’s a model. I hope she’s a headband model.

In the preview of next week, a black girl asks Sean is he wants a taste of chocolate, so, at least next week should be awesome.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Bachelor Recap- Hot Girl With One Arm Jumps Off Building

“Tonight is literally a tornado of negativity waiting to happen.”- Galileo

“Homegirl is a little excited to do a photo shoot.”- Emily Dickinson

“This is probably the biggest dream come true of my life, so far”- Winston Churchill

“My ability to love someone is not affected by how many hands I have.”- Albert Einstein

“I’m gonna get my country on”. John F. Kennedy

“It’s still early, but not too early that Shawn hasn’t started to develop serious feelings”- William Shakespeare

“Love, that’s the bottom line.” - Marv Levy

“It felt really good to go from ‘Friend-zone’ to ‘Girlfriend-zone’.”- Abraham Lincoln

“I was open. I was excited about love but… love was just not here… so…”- Martin Luther King Jr.

I’m kidding. These are all actually great quotes from tonight’s episode of the Bachelor… not famous quotes from famous people. In a show filled with quotes, tonight’s episode was the quotiest. 

ABC is not above making a one-armed woman repel down a building for ratings. I mean, Cmon! You knew, as soon as you saw a woman who had one arm, they were going to make her climb up or down a building or mountain. I had already opened a Microsoft Word document and started to pre-write this paragraph. Well, it happened. I’m jumping ahead but, I’m excited. It’s all in the recap of THE MOST DRAMATIC EPISODE OF THE BACHELOR EVER.

Giant religious Sean dumped 10 girlfriends last week and only has 15 girlfriends left. He dumps 3 more tonight which will leave him with only 12 girlfriends by the end of the week. Sean hardly has any girlfriends anymore. We open with Shawn doing leg lifts and then showering while he talks about finding a wife.

Chris Harrison comes in wearing a business casual table cloth and addresses the ladies. He sets the stage for a fun week. There will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date. Some of the girls will not get dates.  They’ll only get 12 minutes with Sean instead of 4 hours. It’s emotional. Sean is looking for a wife so, it makes perfect sense that he would not date some of them or date 8 of them at once. It’s the Bachelor.

Sarah, the girl with one arm, gets the first 1-on-1 date. I wasn’t going to make her nub a big thing, but it’s all they talk about. I’m just recapping. Sarah is excited for the date. She says, “Just because I have one arm doesn’t mean we’re going to stop having fun.” It’ true, you know.

Shawn picks her up IN A HELICOPTER!!!!!!!!11!!!! They’re still acting like helicopters are a big thing. People are so saturated with Bachelor helicopters, I could show up to work in one and it would only get a “Meh…”

ABC has a formula for falling in love which involves alcohol and heights. Sarah and Shawn land their helicopter on a building and are immediately geared up to repel down the building at a million miles per hour. It’s not very efficient. The helicopter could have just landed on the ground instead of the building but, at least local helicopter rental businesses are making up some of the money they lost during the NHL lockout. (Sports quota filled)

They jump off the building and scream and cameras capture them screaming and it’s not very exciting for the viewer. I’m always on the side of true love so I’ll tolerate the building jump because it’s really the only way to tell if two people are compatible. When they land, ABC plays the same music used then Willy finally got free. Then, they open a bottle and starting drinking alcohol. “I’m starting to feel closer to her”, says Sean.

That night, they drink more and Sarah tells a story about not being able to zip-line because State laws prohibited it due to her only having one arm. Her Dad told her that she needed to find a guy who would be strong for her and it could be Sean.

My wife really likes Sarah because she’s cute. The date goes well. Sarah says, “The only thing in the world I thought I could be scared of, jumping off of a building, I did it today”. Sarah is a pretty brave girl. She’s not afraid of sharks, rape, bees, being alone, death, crowds, public speaking, clowns, being slowly murdered by a German guy with a knife who is saying something you don’t understand like in ‘Saving Private Ryan’ or haunted basements. She was only scared of jumping off of a building, and she did that today.

I’m far into this recap and I’m not done quoting Sarah because she’s a quote machine. She says, “I’m gonna start falling in love.” It’s week 2 and someone has already used ‘love’ in a sentence. The sentence doesn’t make a ton of sense, but she used ‘love’. I hope you guys are ready for how crazy and dramatic this Bachelor season is going to be. I don’t think you’re ready but, I can’t just wait around for you to catch up. Get it together. Everyone else is already reading the next paragraph. Keep up.

Sean says, “Sarah has blown away my expectations.” Does that means Shawn expected Sarah to spend the night in the bathroom crying? Maybe he thought she’d arrive for the date in fishing waders and spend the night with her head dunked in a Koi pond, catching fish with her teeth. How low were his expectations for her to have blown them away? Anyway, she did. You’re falling behind again.

Next comes the stupid group date. It’s stupid. Sean takes 40-or-so girls to a different mansion to go through a photo shoot. There are costumes and a lot of pictures are taken. Whichever girl takes the hottest picture with Sean gets a prize.

Tierra, the first-first impression rose girl, has been singled out for hate. Some of the girls spend time to hate her, so there’s hate. A girl named Leslie I do not remember kisses Sean and an atomic bomb of hate explodes over Bachelordome. My stupid computer doesn’t think ‘Bachelordome’ is a word. Kristy, the professional model, throws napalm on the ‘hate’ fire by being good at picture takin’ because she’s a professional model. So much ‘hate’ spread for the ‘hate’ sandwich. Kristy won the contest (there was a contest) for 3 book covers for some romance book that I couldn’t hear the title of despite rewinding the show 4 times.

Sean gets to know some of the girls for a couple of minutes so, he’s on pace to find a woman to spend the rest of his life with. There are a couple of hall of fame quotes:

“I’m a traditional Southern girl.”- Girl who is one of 15 girls dating one guy on National Television.

“I feel like tonight, Sean gets me.”- A different girl, who is one of 15 girls dating one guy on National Television.

After the super-fun photo shoot, the group gets together to drink. Some of Sean’s 15 girlfriends have a problem with some of Sean’s other girlfriends, for some reason. There’s a lot of drunken complaining. Each moment, Sean is closer to finding his wife.

A girl named Katie who is a Yoga instructor with super frizzy hair gets bored and leaves the show. She tells Sean she’s thinking about leaving. He puts up a fight by saying, “I’ll walk you out”. ABC doesn’t even bother with dramatic music.

Sean makes out with Leslie again. Kasey B. pulls Sean aside to make sure Sean loves her as much as she loves Sean. He does. He gives Kasey B. a rose 20 minutes after making out with Leslie. Leslie must feel good about their make out session.

The next 1-on-1 date goes to Desiree. They’re heading to a priceless art exhibit. Chris Harrison is super hilarious so he sets up a prank where Desiree breaks a million-dollar art thing. It’s just a prank, though, so don’t freak out.

Sean brings Desiree to an art room with art. Sean excuses himself and goes to a back room with Chris Harrison to watch Desiree on a secret camera. Desiree stands alone in a room and an expensive art thing falls over. Ed McMahon and Dick Clark come out to explain to Desiree that it’s just a prank. Desiree doesn’t freak out. She doesn’t even seem bothered. She laughs. It’s weird and awkward, but more awkward for the television show that is out of ideas.

After the prank, Shawn and Desiree go to his place to sit on a couch and drink. They talk about their parents. Then, they cut to Desiree in a bikini. It’s hot tub time… in week 2. This season of the Bachelor is not messing around. They talk about love while the hot tub filter gurgles at a deafening level. Sean says, “You’ve seen 100% of me” and “You have every quality I’m looking for”. They’ve known each other for 6 hours. Thank you for reading this far down. Sean gives Desiree a rose. She accepts it. They make out in a hot tub with a couple of camera guys… and, eventually, America watching. (Except me. I look away out of respect)

The Cocktail party is next. Sean makes a promise to spend some time with the women he’s neglected this episode. He tells the camera that he already knows the 2 girls that he’s dumping. Lindsay/LinDsee/ Lynn-Z, the girl who wore a wedding dress the first night, sits down with Shawn and blows him away. They have a ton in common, he learns from their 80-second conversation.

The rest of the girls sit on couches and talk. What’s a Cosmetics Consultant? Some girl named Amanda doesn’t talk with the rest of the girls. She sits in complete silence. She comes across as stabby. I don’t recognize her. I feel like they just sneak new characters in and out of the show. I’m supposed to joke during these recaps but I’m afraid of Amanda. I’ve never seen a girl sit there and not talk before. Cue the ambulance.

Robyn, a black girl, questions whether or not Sean likes black girls. She confronts him on it. He’s candid about his attraction to black girls. Sean says it doesn’t matter what a girl looks like and that his last girlfriend was black. Robyn feels better. Sean feels better. I feel better.

Some Arabic girl tries to teach Sean Arabic. She teaches him one sentence. He learns it immediately because Sean is the best. She blabs to the camera how deep their connection is. I hate this show.

Sean takes Amanda, the girl who doesn’t talk, to one of the couches to talk. She actually talks. I see no knives.

The Rose Ceremony is tense. I just don’t want anyone to go home. Sean hands out roses. Chris Harrison comes out to tell everyone there’s one final rose remaining and it’s so serious and profound that I cry a single tear. Amanda the psycho gets the final rose and my wife and I punch each other in the arm and throw popcorn around.

The highlights of the upcoming episode show that someone will soon be in a neck brace and an ambulance will finally arrive at the mansion.

While the credits roll, a bunch of drunk girls discuss Greek Mythology and try to think of what ‘Atlantis’ is called. I did not make that up.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Bachelor Recap- Sean Lowe Deserves Love More Than You

“For Sean Lowe, it’s a second chance at love and no one deserves it more.”- Actual words used on the Bachelor

It’s seems like years since I’ve watched the worst show on television and then wrote 2,000 words on it. Luckily for you, America, the Bachelor is back and better than ever. (Keeping in mind that it was never good) Giant religious Sean, once dumped by vapid Emily Maynard on T.V., gets his chance at love this winter. ABC has lined up 25 gorgeous drunk women for which to grind on. It’s not your mother’s reality dating show. It’s the Bachelor. The word ‘forever’ is used 3 seconds in. I have a good feeling about this season.

We begin with Shawn talking about himself with plenty of footage of him working out and staring off into the distance and thinking. What if you went to broadcast school and your first job was to tape a Bachelor running around in his yard with his shirt off, lifting weights and staring off into the distance while toweling off his face? Would you go back to school? I’d go back to school and I hated school.

Sean recaps getting dumped on National T.V. He sits, heartbroken, leaning against a tree. He stands in the sunset and skips rocks. He’s on a bench. For some reason, a camera man captures all of this. Sean is ready to regroup though and says, “I realize that God has another plan for me.”

Holy cow, if God is up in heaven, making plans and his plans involve a dude with abs dating 25 women and repelling down mountains and drinking, the Bible needs a new editor. Is this the same God that told a dude to kill his son? Is Sean talking about the God that flooded Earth because of sinners? So, Sean, the God that wrote out 10 rules and told you to follow them or spend an eternity in fire planned for you to rub your abs against a dozen or so women in a hot tub while 10-year olds watched on ABC? That God? Good. Thanks, Sean. I feel stupid for ever praying, knowing now that God only plans orgies.

Shawn’s family makes a toast to Shawn and they clink glasses and I realize that they all have the same glass. In my house, there were no two glasses alike. You had one snoopy cup, one Mobil Gas Station Bills cup that contained lead and a Yahtzee cup.

ABC runs out of ideas seven minutes into a new season so they bring back the other loser from Emily’s season, Arie the racecar driver. Arie arrives and Sean’s house. Cameras capture him walking up to the house, descending some stairs, knocking on Shawn’s door and then Sean’s surprised reaction that Arie is there even though they’re both mic’d up and wearing high definition make-up.

Arie and Sean talk and it’s devastating. He teaches Shawn to give out roses and dump girls. The scene is longer than an Algebra class. Arie gives Sean advice on kissing. I check in on Alabama/Notre Dame. It hasn’t started yet. I hate this show.

Chris Harrison finally chimes in 25 minutes into the show. He takes the temperature of the viewing audience. He says, “Bachelor fans will agree, Sean is sincerely ready to find love”.  I don’t think he’s ready but, Chris Harrison didn’t bother asking me.

We meet some girls through pre-produced video pieces. I’ll list some notables:

Tierra- Sits in a desert so camera guys can catch her thinking. Says she’s fallen in love twice in her life. I once fell in love twice during the same commercial break. Tierra has a little dog and talks to it. I want her to fall into a boat motor.

Robin- Uses sticky notes to learn Spanish. I’m so mad I’m married.

Diana- My wife says, ”She’s cute”. I’ll keep an eye on her but she has two kids so she’ll never win.

Sarah- Cameras follow her to work so we can see what girls look like while working. Sarah is on the phone and says, “I was just curious to know what you think about the new….um… print layout”.  That’s one of the things that girls who work say, in case you didn’t know. Sarah was born with one arm so that’ll be a thing.

Ashley- Annoying. Obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey. I’d rather date a Folgers can of earthworms.

Kristy- Model. Hot. Here to start fights. Top 4.

AshLee- Spells her name with a capital ‘L’ in the middle. Her eye twitches. She was an orphan and has a sad story but she’s going to stab thousands of people. AshLee grabs an early lead for quote of the night with, “I wanna be in love more than anything…. Period… there’s nothing more to say after that.”
“You are the Bachelor.”- Chris Harrison, welcoming Sean and quickly stealing the quote of the night from AshLEe.

We’ve made it to the mansion and Chris Harrison brings out Sean to start the fun. Shean is wearing a suit. (I’m seriously out of recap ideas) I dig in for 25 girls to step out of a limo and attempt to not embarrass themselves while also making an impression. There is much scripted behavior.

A girl with a lot of teeth calls him “Mr. McSteamy”. A Nashville girl named ‘Kelly’ steps out and sings the worst song I’ve ever heard through her nose. There are 7 Ashleys/Ashlies/AshLees/Aschleez. 

What’s a Jumbo Tron Operator?

Tierra steps out and Sean just stops the show to ask Chris Harrison if he can give her the first impression rose because producers told him to stop the show to give someone a first impression rose because this show hasn’t been scripted enough to this point. Chris Harrison acts like Sean just asked him to pull the moon out of the sky and light it on fire. In a stunning upset, Tierra accepts the first impression rose and the Earth goes back to spinning. Every girl in the house is quick to hate her for getting the first impression rose. If she isn’t crying by the end of the night, no one is doing their job.

A girl named Lindsay came out of the limo in a wedding dress and Sean could’ve become my hero by sending her right back.

When they’re done with the Tramp-o-line, Chris Harrison announces that there’s one more girl. It’s Kasey B. from 6-or-12 seasons ago. She was booted off because her parents are super scary. I remember liking her because she wore eye black in an episode. She had better wear eye black again this season. They need to find a reason to put her in eye black. The girls all hate her because they’re girls.

Everyone goes inside to drink and snark. A girl name Desiree is given a second first impression rose (THERE ARE NO RULES ON THIS SHOW!) and goes back into the mansion to be hated. As the other contestants are discussing this second girl to get a first impression rose, ABC plays the kind of music you’d hear over footage of Revolutionary War soldiers stabbing the British with bayonets.  

Sean gives another girl a first impression rose and the roses are flying around like bees and its chaos. Now three girls have first impression roses. The three girls with ‘first impression’ roses sit on a couch and argue over who has the most ‘impressioney’ rose. I’m not making that up.

Just as I’m thinking, “1 hour in… no one seems drunk.”, wedding dress girl pulls Sean aside to dance right after saying to the camera, “I wish I was more sober right now”. Ashleiey the ‘50 Shades’ girl dunks her head into a bucket of Ethanol and starts dancing. She walks over to rub against Sean. He mentions that he brought a rape whistle. She freaks out Shawn and talks about how he was dumped. Then, she falls down stairs.

What’s a ‘Cruise Ship Entertainer’?

The girls sit on couches and complain about the girls who aren’t sitting on couches. It’s an interesting dynamic. There are 25 women who have never had to go after a man in their life. Now, they have actual competition for the first time. It’s like the hot-shot QB leaving his small Iowa town for U.S.C. (sports quota filled)

Sarah, the girl with one arm (how am I supposed to describe her?!!!) sits and whines about not getting a rose yet. She thinks she’s not getting a rose because she has one arm. Sean finally sits next to her and does not look down at her arm nub. Not once. Professional golfers have less concentration. Sean just sits there and stares Sarah right in the eyes and never glances down at her half-arm. He had to practice at home. They told Sean, “Look, there’s a girl with one arm and you’re not gonna wanna stare at her nub”. Well, the training worked because Sean is a pro’s pro. He never breaks eye contact. You’d think Sarah had two arms. Anywho, Sarah gets a rose because, C’MON! HE CAN’T NOT GIVE HER A ROSE! SHE COULD HAVE HAD GOAT LEGS AND SHE WAS GETTING A ROSE! I hope future potential Bachelor contestants don’t have arms removed to get an unfair advantage.

The Rose ceremony is short because Sean threw around first-impression roses like bread in the Roman Coliseum (I saw it on ‘Gladiator’… I’ve been drinking). There aren’t a lot of surprises. 50 shades girl goes home. Wedding dress girl stays. 

“I want to be in love but is it really worth it to feel this way?”- Some crying girl

Ashley/Ashlie/AshLEE/AsHLiEE/AschleigH/Ashlae cries way too much for a girl who has known her dumpee for 13 seconds. She gives a stirring speech on love. I go outside to lean up against a tree and think. No one is there to video tape it.

In the upcoming attractions to the season, ABC shows us that the girls are going to run around screaming, Sean will find love, Sean will make out with some people on mountains and on beaches, THERE ARE HELICOPTERS, the girls will fight, the music will be dramatic, one or more of the girls will be found to be there for the wrong reason, a paid actor guy will come on the show to steal his fake ex-girlfriend back, a girl will point her finger at another girl, the annual ambulance will visit the mansion because love hurts and you can’t have a reality dating show without an ambulance visit or two, Sean will cry, Sean will stand on something and stare off pensively into something, the sun will set, Oh, and love will conquer all for 3 months!

This show is terrible. I hope you join me for another season.