Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Bachelor Recap- Prostitution is Legal in Vegas

Forget everything you know about the Bachelor because it’s about to change…

…Unless, you’ve watched the show before because it’s all exactly the same as every other season.

Brad Womack is still looking for love and Reality television producers will stop at nothing to help him. Short of that, the producers are hoping that Brad gets sick of the bat-crap crazy women they’ve provided and he goes on a drunken slap-spree. (Ratings gold!)

We continue our journey with everyone’s favorite host, Chris Harrison, explaining to the girls that they’re leaving the mansion to travel the world.

The first stop is Las Vegas.

I guess they call it ‘Sin City’ for the number of times the Bachelor girls use the Lord’s name in vein. Throughout this episode, the phrase ‘Oh my God’ was uttered about one thousand times. We can sleep tight knowing each of these girls will spend an eternity in hell.

My favorite moment of the show is when the girls are all in a room saying ‘Oh my God’ when Michelle, who was in the middle of saying ‘Oh my God’, then pauses to change up ‘God’ to ‘Word’. It’s as if she knew they had already reached their quota.

There are 10 women and 1 paid actress remaining on the show.

That’s right, Michelle is apparently an actress.

A reader named Dan forwarded me a link to her IMDB.com page, listing the previous movies in which she has starred. Her name is Michelle Money. She is not a hair dresser from New Jersey.
I’m not sure if this constitutes a ‘scoop’ or breaking non-sports news, but we’re on to Michelle and the orchestrated pile of garbage that the Bachelor has become.

This show used to stand for something. It used to be a mature Reality Game show. Now, it’s just cheap.

Now armed with the information that Michelle is an actress, it’s hard to watch her scenes. Everything seems so rehearsed. It’s like Brad is at a dinner theatre that mixes the people from the show into the audience. I liked it better when I just thought she was crazy.

Anywho, Brad gets a 1-on-1 date, a 2-on-1 date and a group date. Chris Harrison has already called it "the most controversial season of the Bachelor ever". I’d like Congress to put the Bachelor on the stand like they did Major League Baseball. Someone should have to answer for this mess.

Shawntel gets the 1-on-1 date. Brad picks her up in a stupid car and takes her to a mall. Brad takes Shawntel on a shopping spree. She can go into any store and take anything she wants. They pass it off as Brad buying the gifts, but I’m pretty sure ABC picked up the check on this one.

Brad says that the shopping spree is "every single women’s dream" because married women hate shopping.

Afterward, Shawntel is shown picking up about 40 shopping bags full of clothes and a purse that cost $5,000 while she talks about how "real" this time spent with Brad has been. She says, "To me, this is all been very real. This could be love."

So, if you’re dating a girl and you want to come across as sincere and real, get ABC to spend $40,000 on her.

They do a good job of making sure Shawntel has enough time to drop off her booty at the Vegas hotel so the other girls can drool over her shopping spree. Not one girl mentions how jealous they are of the time Shawntel just spent with Brad. These hookers want the clothes.

That night, Shawntel and Brad eat on the roof of the mall as she tells him about her job as a Funeral Director. Then, there are fireworks.

Next comes the group date. It’s super dramatic. I thought I was past it, but my eyes are already welling up with tears and my hands are shaking.


Yeah, so they’re racing and Emily’s being quiet and Brad pulls her aside and she tells the dead fiancé story again because that’s all she does is tell the dead fiancé story.

Brad feels bad but Emily forgives him and she builds up the courage to drive a car in a circle while crying.

These producers are awesome. It’s clear that they’re not letting an idiot like Brad make the decisions on where the dates occur, so it was ABC’s idea to get Emily to that race track for the tearfest. (Note to my computer… ‘tearfest’ IS a word!) You can almost hear them high-fiving each other as Emily breaks down. It’s a classy move all around. Plus, with Brad feeling stupid about digging up dead fiancé memories, he focuses all of his attention on Emily and the other girls get crazy jealous and they wish that they had dead fiancés. Wouldn’t the plural of ‘fiancé’ be ‘fianci’? It doesn’t come up much because non-Mormons usually do things one fiancé at a time, but we need Congress to clear this up for shows like the Bachelor. Congress is understaffed.

Brad says that driving a NASCAR car is "every single guy’s dream" because that’s what I dreamed about when I was single.

After the race track of broken dreams, Brad takes the girls to a nearby pool because everyone was wearing too much clothing. Also, with all of the high speed cars around, there hasn’t been alcohol consumed in minutes.

The pool party is once again a carnival of crying women who are jealous of how much better looking Emily is. Brad gets his fill of booger kisses. Emily is attractive, but I don’t think she wins this game show because she’s isn’t very interesting, at least not in the footage I’ve been shown. I don’t think she’s slutty enough (Seriously, computer? ‘Slutty’ isn’t a word either? What year is this?) I don’t think she’s slutty enough for the latter rounds either. Pretty soon, Brad’s gonna be in Cabu and he’s going to have a hut and he’s going to want some hot ‘Ab’ action. Are you going to step to the plate Emily? Sluts take first place on ABC, remember that.

The next date is a 2-on-1 with the two Ashleys. (Look, computer. I don’t know how to pluralize ‘Ashley’. I’ve just about had it with these Bachelor recaps. Modern English isn’t advanced enough.)

Ashley S. and Ashley H. go with Brad on a date but only one Ashley comes back. For those of you still reading this recap, Ashley H. is the perky, easy-to-hate, dentist. Ashley S. is the cute girl who never talks.

The date is awesome. They rehearse to appear in a Cirque de’ Sole Elvis show because that hasn’t been done on a Bachelor season in months. Then, they sit down for a nice dinner that had to be delicious because nothing makes me hungrier than the thought of being dumped by an idiot on National T.V.
I hope ABC at least gave their leftovers to some of the Vegas homeless because there’s no way in hell either of those girls touched their food.

Then, Brad gives Ashley H. a rose right in front of Ashley S. Then, he dumps Ashley S. and she cries for 15 minutes while they blare Elvis’ "Are you lonesome tonight". Again, ABC is classy all of the way.

The day after dumping Ashley S., Brad calls his therapist. He’s been meeting with this guy throughout the season and I haven’t mentioned it here in the recaps yet. Brad has a therapist because his father was never around.

Brad’s therapist basically tells him to dump women without concern for their feelings because he’s on a game show designed to choose his wife. I didn’t make that last part up. Go ahead, go to ABCTV.com and watch the episode. Skip to the 1:33 mark. By the way, this show is 2 hours long. Have I mentioned that it is two hours long? It is two hours long.

The cocktail party is uneventful. Michelle has a very staged and rehearsed scene where she tells Brad to send all of the girls home except her. Brad dumps two girls. One of them is a sports publicist. The sports publicist makes my day by not saying goodbye to Brad. He asks her if he can explain and she just wordlessly leaves the room to go cry in a limo.

A Bachelor party from the next hotel room spills over onto the rose ceremony and a drug dealer beats a man to death just as Brad is handing out his third rose. The girls are really scared and the drug dealer grabs one of the roses on his way back through the hole in the wall created when he threw the guy into the room. The girls scream and cry about how there’s one less rose until ABC agrees to provide a replacement.

They patch the hole with a tarp and some tape.