Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Romantic Mexican Three-Ways

You know how, when Andy Dufresne is tunneling out of Shawshank Prison and he throws up in the tunnel, he has to keep tunneling? That about describes Night Two of back-to-back ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ episodes. I hate this show.

When we last left our lovers, holy cow! Super dramatic things had happened! Did you see them? No? Listen, you’re an idiot. You missed the best night of television ever.

Graham realized that AshLEE is a terrible crazy person and left in the middle of the rose ceremony with ASHlee’s rose offer held in the balance. Graham complains of fatigue and leaves. Cameras rush to his rescue, and by ‘rescue’ I mean ‘to film him’.

Graham gets checked out by the finest Bachelor medics available. They listen to him talk about losing his eyesight. Michelle Money gets Graham water. AshLEE doesn’t even help! Clare says, “I don’t trust ASHLEE at all. At all.” She says “at all” twice to make sure that we all completely understand how little she trusts AshLEE. She doesn’t. Clare doesn’t trust AsHLee at all. At all.

Lacy gets upset too. The woman with less real stuffing than plastic stuffing says “AsHLEE is just fake!” She’s not real at all. At all.

Anyway, Graham is recovered from his fatigue and he accepts asHleE’s rose. Lacy gets sick and leaves to throw up off camera. She runs a good 300 yards away to throw up. Marcus rushes to her rescue and demands that she go to the hospital BECAUSE SHE HAD TO THROW UP! Bachelor ambulances show up to take her boobs away to the hospital. It’s a tad overdramatic. I wonder what they’d do if she had a hangnail!

Chris Harrison rushes up to tell everyone they’re continuing without Marcus and Lacy. They’re super concerned about their two contestants, but they’re not going to pause their show production for four seconds. The Rose Ceremony rolls on.

Claradise has her Zach. Sarah picks Robert. Michelle has Cody. Jackie has a rose and has to choose between No Game Marquel and Jesse. She picks Jesse because she’d rather have cake than cookies. Marquel and Kalon are left without roses. Kalon leaves without incident. Marquel gives out hugs and stuff, because who doesn’t love Marquel? I mean, other than Jackie?

At the hospital, Marcus is worried because “Lacy has been losing a lot of water.” What the hell does that mean? Can you lose water? You can pee. I’m not sure you can lose water. Either are the Bachelor doctors. Lacy somehow survives.

Coming back from commercial, we see a pelican and a lizard. A blonde named Kristy arrives with a date card. Kristy is… attractive. The guys notice. The girls notice them notice. Zach is going to dump his Clare Bear at the drop of Kristy’s hat.

Sarah and her lack of confidence pull Kristy aside to run down the relationships. Kristy doesn’t care. She picks Zach to go out on a date. Zach has to think things over. He confides in Clare. Zach tells Clare that he is refusing Kristy’s date card. We’re all stunned. Admit it, guys. You were stunned.

Jesse agrees to go out on a date with Kristy. They go into town to buy stuff. Kristy is super fun and smart. She says, “We find tequila and other booze that’s known here.” She really knows the local culture. Jesse and Kristy drink and then go outside to sit down and drink more. They have a meaningful conversation about Mexican beach relationships.

Kristy talks about her douchebag boyfriends back home who cheated on her. ABC lets her say “douchebag” twice. One of her DB boyfriends left a bra in her room and she found it. They talk about it. It’s super interesting. I’m so intrigued, I forget about all of my problems. A dog walks up.

Next we get some really awkward television. Sarah and Robert go on a date. Sarah lacks confidence and Robert really doesn’t seem that into her. On a show where people jump into the ocean to cavort thirty seconds after knowing each other, Sarah and Robert have yet to kiss. Sarah tells the camera that she longs for smoochtown with Robert.

They eat on TV. We watch them eat. Next, they go swimming. Keep up! Why can you never keep up! You can’t keep up at all. At all.

In the pool, Sarah hopes again for kissing. He kisses her hand. It’s awkward. They talk. I wish I were dead. There are noises. I hope a tree falls on my house and hurts me. Finally, they kiss. There is kissing. The music is kissey. Everyone is happy. Admit it, guys. You’re totally happy.

Back at the bungalow, Cody bench presses Michelle Money. That’s not even a metaphor. He literally bench presser her. Then, he paints her toenails. Cody talks about how he’s falling in love with Michelle Money. He’s moving too fast. To change the subject, Michelle asks, “Can you believe how big your quads are?” That actually happened. How do you answer that question? Could you imagine being asked that? I mean, I can’t believe how big my quads are, but I don’t allow people to ask me about them.

Drunk Kristy and drunk Jesse return and act drunk. Jackie is mad. She says, “Ever since Kristy got here, Jesse has been acting differently.” So, Jesse is acting differently than he did the day before.

Clare and Zack sit on the beach and talk and I’m forced to listen. By the way, I’ve been spelling Zack’s name wrong this entire time but I’m not going back to fix it. I’ll start spelling it ‘Zack’ now.

Zack drops the bomb on Clare that he’s not into her. Clare takes it well and says, “Oh well” and goes about her business. Just kidding. She erupts in anger and gets Clarey. She’s the stabbiest. Clare storms off and says she’s going to bed. She has a weird interpretation of bed, because she’s in the bathroom crying.

Zack insists he wasn’t trying to dump her thirty seconds after dumping her. Clare runs off into the jungle while complaining loudly to herself. ABC provides subtitles. I can’t follow them. She says that she’s having a panic attack and is afraid that she looks even more like a fool. It’s hard to top the announcement that you carry around a DVD with a message from your dad, but she pulls it off nicely.

Clare returns to the bungalow and packs her stuff to leave. Michelle Money sees an opportunity to be on TV so she tries to talk Clare out of leaving. They talk and there’s talking.

Zack is super concerned about Clare because he goes directly to bed and falls asleep. Clare strolls up to his room to wake him up as ABC plays ‘Psycho’ music. She doesn’t kill him. Clare and Zack talk. There’s talking. It’s dramatic. Clare repeats the same stuff she yelled out to herself in the jungle with a raccoon.

Clare announces that she’s going home. Zack has a chance to be a good dude. He doesn’t rise up to that challenge. Zack tells Clare that he gave it everything he had, but he doesn’t tell her to stay. I can’t say I can blame him. Zack is a schlub, but I wouldn’t wish Clare on anyone at all. At all.

Clare cries and snots while she’s saying goodbye to the cameras. She’s doing a lot of talking. Zack isn’t saying a word. He’s a winner. You just know Zack is ecstatic on the inside knowing he got away without being killed. As her final goodbye, a tearful Clare says, “This is why I wanted to do Dancing with the Stars.”

There are now 6 women and 6 men, so everyone would get a rose. Lucy runs up to smut island. Lucy is the naked ‘free spirit’ girl from Juan Pablo’s season. Lucy is an instant party. She’s super annoying.

Lucy walks around naked because she’s a total free spirit. This woman clearly got no attention from her parents at all. At all. Naked Lucy asks Jesse out on a date. Lucy, Kristy and Jesse run into the ocean to add a little much-needed pollution. The ocean is all, “It’s about time!”

Jesse and Naked Lucy drive a jeep to Tenochtitlan, or something. My wife points out Lucy’s terrible posture. It’s true. She does have bad posture. They walk around ruins to further ruin my life. There’s a lot of talking. Stop reading these.

Michelle Money and Cody are totes falling in love. Wait, Cody is falling in love. Cody puts on his most chest-coverin’ shirt and they go to a nice hotel to take engagement photos. They smooch and pose. It’s smoochey and posey. Cody keeps talking about how bad he wants love. Michelle Money isn’t completely comfortable. How could a guy with arms that big be so desperate.

ABC tries to get Michelle Money to change into a wedding dress for pictures. She is freaking out. You guys were freaking out, too. Admit it! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone. ABC plays super dramatic music. I scream out, “This music isn’t dramatic enough!” It isn’t.

Michelle is overwhelmed by the full-court press Cody is laying down. He’s Code-5 when he should be a Code-2.

Michelle Money does the stupid wedding dress thing. It’s all LOLey. You guys are totally LOLing. I did. My throat starting bleeding because I laughed really hard and I ran away to throw up and ambulances had to come and Marcus came with me to make sure I was okay. I was okay, but I lost a lot of water.

They pose for pictures as Michelle Money yells to on-lookers, “It’s not real!” She isn’t handling it well. It’s really not funny, you guys. I don’t know why you guys were laughing. This is serious. Michelle Money runs into the ocean with a shirtless Cody. He has big arms and a big back.

Back at the bungalow, aShlee gives Graham a date card. Graham is back to NOT realizing AshLEE is terrible and crazy. They go to a place to ride race cars. Mexico is huge, yo? There is a ton of stuff to do. AsHLEE wears a head band. I’m not a head band fan. I’m more of an eye black guy. Women don’t wear enough eye black at all. At all.

We watch the not-so-fast racing. The sports quota is sorta filled. I hate this show.

Back at the bungalow bon fire, Kristy is mad because she is not a part of a couple and no one is drinking. This girl is itching for fun. She needs some Lanacane. Or, some booze and a DB. I’m a Kristy fan, even though she’s kind of the female version of Kalon.

Marcus pulls Lacy aside to tell her he loves her. She’s super happy. They kiss. I feel happy. Everyone is happy. Lacy gushes about Marcus saying, “He treats me so well. He is an angle.” I didn’t spell that wrong. I’m pretty sure she said “angle”.

Naked Lucy and Jesse make out. Naked Lucy likes Jesse and thinks they are coupling up. Naked Lucy giggles to the camera and I can never tell if she’s drunk or not.

Jesse is obviously having feelings because he tells the camera, “I like… what’s her nuts?” He feeds everyone alcohol. Kristy is sad and wants to go home. She’s going home. Wait, she’s not. She goes to talk to Jesse. I can’t believe you read down this far.

Jesse convinced Kristy that he’s into her and only her. I have a feeling you could convince Kristy that a bird was a bee. She’s not quick with the thoughts. Jesse gets into bed with Kristy. They are joined by Lucy. It’s a Mexican three-way. The best kind. As we go to commercial, ABC shows Clare’s dad the sea turtle in the ocean, looking for his Clare bear. Clare’s dad doesn’t find Clare bear. Clare bear is gone. Clare bear went bye.

Final adjustments are made heading into the final moments. Michelle Money has Cody, but is unsure. Marcus loves Lacy. ashLee has Graham. Robert kissed Sarah twice. That leaves Jesse and Zack to choose Jackie, Lucy or Kristy.

Kristy seems mad at Jesse for his orgyness. Jesse looks to smooth things over with Kristy by saying, “You are… one of my favorites.” Kristy buys it. She agrees to couple up with Jesse. Lucy tries to convince him otherwise. Kristy and Lucy used to be good friends. They are no longer friends. Lucy starts a gossip lie thing to convince Jesse to dump Kristy. MORE LIES AND GOSSIP. Sarah tells us that Lucy is here for the wrong reasons. Sarah is so right! She’s not here for the right reasons at all! At all!

The Rose Ceremony is next. I still have no idea when this stupid show will end. Chris Harrison talks about how important his stupid Rose Ceremony is. I don’t see it at all. At all.

Robert gives his rose to Sarah. Graham gives his rose to ASHLeE. Cody roses Michelle Money. Marcus loves Lacy and tells her and we have to listen to it a bunch because he won’t stop talking about it and I wish this show would just end and now Cody is crying because what Marcus and Lacy have is so beautiful and I hate everything.

Zack gives his rose to Jackie. That leaves Jesse, Lucy and what’s her nuts. Jesse gives his rose to what’s her nuts. Lucy and her free spirited ways will have to go be naked on a different Mexican island. I’m sure the rest of Mexico will welcome Lucy with open arms. I’m not a big Lucy fan. I don’t love Lucy. I don’t love her at all. At all.

Four seconds after talking about how much she’d like to hump Jesse, Lucy calls him a jerk. It just goes to show you, if you dump a woman in Mexico and make her leave her Reality TV show paradisse/Claradise/Saradise, she will hold a grudge.

Next week, I don’t care what happens. I’m going to get black-out drunk.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Bachelor in Paraside Recap - Lies and Slander in Mexico

Showing two episodes of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ in one week is more than just lazy and stupid for ABC. It’s a crime. It’s a crime against things that are good and things that are not terrible. We get two episodes this week because… I don’t know. I don’t even know if we’re closer to the end. I don’t know what the end is. It’s just slutty people on an island hooking up. There’s no end game. What’s the end game? Death, probably. Here is what happened Monday night.

The preview says that there will be slander and gossip. Slander is when you make a spoken statement that damages someone’s reputation. Libel is hurting someone’s reputation through written word. So, I libe, they sland.

We begin with Michelle Money still crying over her prize of being allowed to stick around last week even though no one wanted to couple up with her. Michelle calls her chance to stay, “This beautiful amazing gift. This beautiful opportunity.” She’s called her 9 and a ½ year old son something similar. I’m sure he’s glad mom’s still in Mexico.

Robert gets the first date card. He gives it to Sarah. She’s super happy because she has no self esteem. So, they’ll date.

Meanwhile, Michelle Money is still crying her eyes out because, even though she is still on STD island, no one wanted her as a slurp-partner.  Graham goes into the bathroom to comfort her. It’s comforting. Michelle cries and says, “I left Salt Lake to explore options of romance.” If you’re scoring at home, those “options” of romance have been three different Reality TV shows involving a ton of alcohol, multiple partners and cameras that record your every movement. So, yeah, I can’t understand how she hasn’t found true love either.

Sarah and Robert’s date is next. For the moment, Sarah isn’t bawling her eyes out or whining about how lonely she is. This shouldn’t last. Michelle Money does Sarah’s hair while she talks about being bummed over not going out on a date with Sarah’s boyfriend. Keep up!

Michelle Money says that, “All of my fears have come to fruition.” Michelle Money’s fear is being dateless in a Mexican paradise. My fear involves being out on a hike in the woods and a bear claws open my wife’s neck and I don’t have cell phone service and, even if I did, we’re hours away from emergency responders. But, yeah, no date in Mexico is pretty terrifying too.

Sarah is happy about her date. She says, “This is definitely turning into Saradise.” I thought it was ‘Claradise’.  Sarah says that the ocean makes her feel vulnerable but Robert keeps her safe. Robert would totally beat back sharks for Sarah. I can tell.

Cody the super built surfer-type dude arrives on the island. Michelle Money is excited because she is without man. Cody offers his date card to Clare. DRAMA in Claradise!
Clare says that she can’t because she’s with Zach. Cody persuades her. It’s persuadey. Clare basically says that she’s going to ask her boyfriend if she can go on a date with another guy. Zach tells her to go ahead and go for Cody-bear. Clare gets mad at Zach because he allows her to do the thing she asked for. Clare is the worst. I’m sorry, she’s approaching Trista-levels of terribleness for my taste. What a dingbat. Now, my wife and I are arguing over who was wrong in this situation. My wife is totally on Team Clare. Clare is wrong! Even her dad knows it! This show is destroying my marriage.

Clare runs off to complain to others about Zach’s response. While she’s talking to Michelle Money, Michelle is clamping her eyelashes in some sort of medieval torture device.  Clare doesn’t want to put all of her eggs in one basket. I think she means ‘eggs’ eggs, you know? Someone needs to watch that dad DVD, toot sweet.

Cody and Clare discuss their potential date. Cody compliments Clare a bunch and Clare eats it up because she would whither and die without 24/7 compliments. She’s like one of those flashlights that you have to shake to use. No shakey, no lightey.

Even though she’s terrible, Clare turns down Cody’s date offer because she wants her ‘Zach’ fire to burn. Cody is disappointed, but hasn’t completely given up on Claradise. He says, “As long as I’m here, Cody is always going to try to get with Clare.”

Rather than take Michelle Money, the only available woman, on a date, Cody gives his date card to Marcus because they’re boys. It’s boysey. I think that city in Idaho was named after two guys who freely exchanged their date cards in Mexico. Clare is even more attracted to Cody because he gave up his date card. Admit it, guys. You’re totally more attracted to Cody now!

Marcus takes his girlfriend Lacy on a date so they can slurp it up. They’re a really cute couple if you’re into empty conversations, abs and fake boobage. Marcus and Lacy have their date on a bench surrounded by candles. It looks exactly like the bungalow they just left.

Lacy wants Marcus to tell her he loves her because she loves him. Marcus says that he sees a lot of her in a future that he can see with her. He really says this. Marcus says, “I love you for who you are.” They make out. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

It’s time for Zach to smooth things over. Zach pulls Clare aside to convince her that “100% of [his] eggs are in her basket.” Clare gets all huffy, but accepts his apology. Zach apologized for the fact that Clare asked if she could date another guy. It was nice of her to accept that apology. They make out.

ABC shows the moon. The moon controls the ocean, which hasn’t had any sex rompers romping in it for days! The poor ocean.

As Michelle Money continues to complain about her lack of man, Kalon walks up to their moonlight fire. Kalon was kicked off of Emily Maynard’s season for being terrible and complaining about the fact that Emily had a kid. Michelle Money hates Kalon and is not into him. Kalon pulls out his date card and offers it to Michelle Money. Despite all of the terrible things she just said, Michelle Money accepts Kalon’s date card because she’s terrible. Kalon tells the camera that he wants to motorboat the bleep out of Michelle Money’s bleep. You just know Bachelor in Paradise producers are cattle-prodding him to be extra awful. It works. He’s extra awful.

Michelle Money pulls Kalon aside and confronts him about the terrible things he said about Emily years ago. He doesn’t say much in his defense. Michelle Money backs out of her date. It’s super dramatic.

Kalon tries to ask out a couple of the other girls while they’re tanning. He refers to them as “sun lizards”. It’s poised. They turn him down. Sarah turns him down. Kalon can’t get a date. Instead of giving up his date card to a couple, he goes out on his date by himself. It’s a Kalon type of thing to do. I respect his decision. Kalon goes for a jeep ride and goes spelunking in a cave. We get to see him with his shirt off and climbing down a rope into a hole while using innuendo about Mexican holes. It’s innuendoey. I hate this show.

While Kalon talks to himself, Jesse arrives to the island. I don’t know anything about him. According to people who date several people at the same time on TV, Jesse is a “player”. Jesse takes out his date card and then takes off his shirt. He asks Jackie to go out on a date with him. She says ‘Yes’, dumping Marquel and his complete lack of game. Marquel tells the camera that he hopes his “connection” with Jackie will be strong enough to pull them through this. Keep up the good work, No Game!

Jackie and Jesse go in a cave. MEXICO IS JUST A BUNCH OF CAVES AND BUNGALOWS! Jesse and Jackie drink alcohol while bats scream above their head. While he is strategizing to the camera, Jesse is asked by Jackie if he’s strategizing. Seconds after strategizing, Jesse tells Jackie that he doesn’t strategize. Lies and Slander! As I’m falling asleep for the 8th time this episode, Jackie and Jesse get a private concert from some guy in their Mexican cave.

Back at the bungalow, the sex couples are all getting back massages from their sex partners. Michelle Money picks up the trash by having Cody massage her. It’s massagey. It’s super massagey. Michelle says, “I’m just wrapped up in Cody.” She was, you guys. Michelle just bought herself another week on TV.

When does this show end?

We’re back from commercial and Marquel is working out on the beach. Why the hell do you read this? Cody wants Clare, but Clare still wants Cody. ABC pretends like they have secret cameras zooming in on a private conversation between Zach and aSHLEY. AshLEE tells Zach to dump Clare because Clare had sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean and because Clare is nuts. I hate to agree with AsHlEE, but I agree with AshlEe. AsHLEe figures out that there’s a camera in the tree and that she shouldn’t have said terrible things about Claradise.
For the next ten minutes, it turns into whispers and slander. AshLee confesses what she’s done to others. Others tell Clare what was said. It’s whispery and slandery and gossipy. Clare gets super mad and stabby. I would assume that Clare is completely prone to stabfests. We could get a stabbing. ABC is playing ‘Get Ready for Stabbing’ music. ABC actually shows Clare walking into the kitchen to pick up knives because this show is stupid.

At night, there’s still drama. Still!

Michelle Money recaps to Sarah that AShlee said something to the effect of, “He needs to be careful about Clare’s reputation because she is known to have sex with guys in the ocean.” I’d go back and fix that sentence but I don’t have the strength.

Clare yells at Zach for not defending her. Zach basically tells her that he didn’t come to a Mexican sex island for drama. Boy, did he come to the wrong Mexican sex island! Clare vows to take care of the aSHlee situation by herself.

Before anyone gets stabbed, AsHlEe pulls Clare aside to clare the air. Get it? Clare stops her before she can apologize. She shakes her head like a chicken and says, “I feel super disrespected.” Who says ‘super’?

ASHLEE continues to apologize and grovels. Clare doesn’t back down from her stab-like behavior. The line has been drawn in the Mexican sex sand. ashlee offers a ‘hug-out’, but Clare declines. AsHLee cries to the camera. I vote for the government to give ABC a million dollar grant to conduct a study to find out which of these two girls is crazier.

When does this show end? What the hell is happening? I’m in hell!!!

The end of the night draws near. Marcus has Lacy, Graham has aShLeE, who could be dead soon. Marquel had Jackie, but Jackie now likes Jesse. Clare has Zach, but hates him. Sarah has Robert. Michelle might have Cody. Kalon has no one.

Cody tells Michelle Money that he really originally liked her more than Clare. Now, he’s all into Michelle and Michelle Money has cashed in on Cody. You’ve got to give her credit. She’s investing in Cody, whose stock is rising. You guys are jerks. They make out. It’s super emotional and special because they both get to stay on TV longer now.

Jesse pulls Jackie aside to grab her rose. No Game Marquel watches it happen and does nothing because he possesses no game.

Michelle Money pulls Graham aside to tell him how awful ashLeE is. Graham didn’t realize his girlfriend was terrible, so it’s dramatic. Just as Graham learns this shocking news, AsHLEE walks up and things gets all AwKwArD.

The rose ceremony is next. I can’t even take how dramatic this show is. My heart is banging up against my rib cage. I charge de-fib paddles, just in case. Chris Harrison tells everyone what’s up. Two guys will go home. We still have no idea what the purpose of this show is.

Lacey picks Marcus. Duh. Clare picks Zach. AshLeE picks Graham, and with a crescendo of super dramatic music, Graham just walks away. ASHLEE is all, “What?” Michelle Money walks away to talk to Graham. The music is more DRAMATIC THAN IT’S EVER BEEN. My heart hurts! What’s happening? What’s Graham going to do???!!! When will this show end???!!!! How can Mexico be crawling with drug lords and dirty cops, yet they somehow leave these horn balls alone??  Why do meteors never hit my house on Monday nights???!!!!! Why does AshLee capitalize the middle letter of her name???!!! Who reads these recaps???!!!!! Why didn’t I fill the sports quota????!!! Why can’t I find Clare’s dead dad DVD on Netflix????!!! What ever happened to Tracy Gold???!!!!!!!!

Tune in tomorrow night to do this again because I hate being happy.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Clare's Dad is a Sea Turtle

I’ll be honest with you guys. I didn’t watch this episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. I kind of just guessed at everything that happened. I’m assuming there was a bunch of drama, sex in the ocean and wrong-reasoned behavior. Y’all will have to let me know how close I came to the actual filth and buggery.

Let’s first catch you up on the relationship status of our favorite island romp-a-roomers.
Marcus and Lacey are passionately embroiled in an ab-grinding commitment. Michelle Money is with No Game Marquel for some reason. Big Angry Chris has Elise. Graham and AShlEe are a thing. The rest of the crew is still searching for a flesh buddy.
Half-Mexican Clare is playing the dangerous game of desperately clinging to any man who will pay her the slightest bit of attention. It’s fun! Right now, she’s attached to some guy named Zach.

Right off the bat, some girl named Danielle joins the show. This show is like a sand storm. It pounces on you! Danielle is from a season, or something. Who cares? Danielle really likes Marquel for some reason. She gives Marquel a date card. So, they’re dating. Keep up!

Michelle Money is more interested in Robert than Marquel, today. Robert is paired with Sarah. Because Michelle Money wants to be on TV as long as possible, she needs to pull Robert out of the Sarah’s 1 and ¾ arms.

The next date card comes. Elise gets to choose a guy to take on a plane. AShLee wishes she got the date card so she could have a fun night out with Graham. Everyone is mad at Ashlee because she wants to go on a date with her boyfriend. To be honest, those two really need a date together to combat the tedium and stress of sleeping around together in a tropical bungalow. It can be a real stress on any relationship.

Clare says, “If AsHLEe thinks that she’s the queen bee and her and Graham are some sort of Power Couple, that’s her own doing.” Most evil geniuses are destroyed by their own devices.

Elise is taking Big Angry Chris on a date. We get to see her brush her teeth and her hair before their date. She’s excited. Chris messes up his knee and requires attention from the finest ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ medical professionals. They put ice on it. It’s a crack staff. Chris might not go on his date. I start bawling uncontrollably because it’s a disaster.

Marquel and Danielle both have intact knees so they go on their ‘No Game’ date. Marquel moonwalks and gives Danielle a flower. It’s grown sexy. 99-out-of-100 men who moonwalk on a date end up not having sex. That statistic is from an MIT study. Marquel also asked why Danielle brought him on a date. It’s always a great idea to question why a woman likes you. Danielle tells Marquel that she has a crush on him. He says, “Crushes are good!” Marquel is super excited to have found someone as pathetic as he is. It’s adorable. That whole moon walking thing worked! They’re going to have the most Non-Game-Having kids in the history of mankind.

A storm interrupts their beautiful date. There’s lightning and it almost hits the pathetic couple. ABC cues the super dramatic ‘lightning music’. Bachelor interns make everything safe.

Back at the bungalow, ABC shows us a lizard. Elise gets her hair did by Michelle Money while talking about something. I don’t know. You’re not reading this. She talks. Who in the world would honestly care what she is saying. She could have been talking about me and I wouldn’t care. This is the worst show I’ve ever seen.

Big Angry Chris sucks it up and gets ready for his kneeless date. Elise isn’t happy about the knee injury thing but agrees to power through the adversity and have the best date ever. Big Angry Chris complains about his knee a lot. It’s complainy.

Coming back from the commercial, ABC shows footage of a hippo in the ocean. That really doesn’t make a ton of sense. Clare and Michelle Money set up a fun double date with Zach and Robert. That leaves Sarah high and dry. She’s been double-crossed. It’s double-crossy. Sarah is mad because she’s on an island beach dating show and can’t handle that another woman would want her gorgeous, abby boyfriend. I can’t even.

Elise and Big Angry Chris eat dinner outside. It’s a real treat for us because they’re wearing microphones and we get to hear their gripping conversation. They talk about how they’re attracted to each other. It’s super romantic. The soft piano music says it all. Elise tells Big Angry Chris that he’ll be blessed for being nice to her. I think she’s talking about dirty times. I’d like to assume she’s just being sweet and not slutty, but I can currently see 78% of her boobs.

Elise opens up a letter and reads an invitation from Chris Harrison for the couple to have sex with each other in a Fantasy Suite type room. They consider their options and then jump into a pool to make out for 4 solid minutes. It’s slurpy. They go into their Fantasy Suite and ABC leaves their microphones on so we can hear groaning. I can’t be certain that they didn’t splice in groaning from a different scene. It’s risk we as viewers have to take. You can’t be sure of where the groaning comes from.

Zach, Robert, Michelle Money and Clare get ready for their quad-date. Sarah mopes around because she’s devoid of confidence. This Sarah girl is super annoying. The quad-date enjoys a bon fire and alcohol. Michelle Money throws herself at Robert. She’s over Marquel and his lack of game.

Robert doesn’t completely hate Michelle Money. They’re coupling up. This is going to really destroy Sarah. She’s the only person without another person. Sarah spends 11 minutes crying to the camera about her tragic position on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.

Just when we have some order to the ways of the bungalow, a girl named Jackie arrives with a date card. Jackie is super gorgeous. All of the other super gorgeous women are jealous of her super gorgeousness. Because it’s night, we can’t really see Jackie so we’ll have to take everyone’s word for it. Jackie hands her date card to someone else to read because she’s illiterate.

Jackie chooses Marquel for her date and he just dumps Danielle like she’s a piece of Mexican poo. Michelle Money isn’t a fan of Marquel anymore. She says, “It’s clear that Marquel is open to every possibility… every possibility.” So, Marquel is open to the possibility that the moon is made of cheese.

Jackie and Marquel GET IN A PLANE! Marquel is super boring and we’re forced to watch him stumble through another awkward and pointless date. Jackie and Marquel fly to Mexico. THEY WERE JUST IN MEXICO! SAVE THE FUEL, ABC!

Back at the bungalow, Michelle Money tries to convince Graham to break up with AshLee. Graham is having second thoughts about AShlee. It’s the most dramatic thing that has ever happened.

AsHlEE finally gets a date card. I hate her voice more than I’ve hated most things, and I’ve hated things. AsHLEE asks Graham to go on a date and he agrees. Don’t you people have jobs? Why are you reading this? You could be volunteering or eating a bucket of chicken or learning magic. Go do anything else!

Marcus and Lacy swim. Keep up.

Danielle cries about getting tossed aside by moon-walking Marquel. She talks to AshLEE, which has to be terrible because that involves ASHlee talking.

Jackie and Marquel explore Mayan ruins. The Mayans used to sacrifice people to their Sun God. They’d march you up some temple steps and just lop your head off and let it roll down the temple stairs. This is the perfect place for a romantic 1-on-1 date for two young lovers. We watch more carnage as Marquel talks for a good two minutes about how he doesn’t kiss girls on the first date in an attempt to work up the courage to kiss Jackie. It’s awkward. I’d rather watch heads get cut off.

Big Angry Chris is in the hospital because he has torn knee ligaments. Elise gets him ice and then brags to the camera about how much a caretaker she is. I’m sure she walked really far to get the ice and didn’t just have it handed to her by Bachelor interns. As she cares for Big Angry Chris, Elise says that it’s great to be in a real-life situation with Chris. They’re in a tropical paradise with absolutely no concerns for money, food, alcohol or jobs. It’s super real life. Elise says that she’s going to spend the rest of her life with Big Angry Chris. I know I’m cynical, but there is no way that they don’t spend eternity together. It’s totally going to happen.

Clare sits on the beach with Zach and talks about her dead dad. It’s the anniversary of her dad dying. She cries about it. Clare’s dad died. She thanks Zach for not running away when she talked about her dead dad and thanks him for … I’m not sure. Clare is super thankful for Zach’s comfort. It’s comforty. A giant turtle walks up and lays his eggs and Clare says that it’s her dead dad. I’d like to tell you I’m making that up. Clare’s dead dad is a turtle who strolls up to the beach where his daughter is spooning with a hot guy so he can lay his ‘Clare’s Dad’ eggs.

aShLee has her date with Graham. There’s quite a troop of annoying people on this beach and AShlEe is their leader. She talks about how she follows Graham on Instagram. It’s creepy. Graham is on Instagram? Shouldn’t it be InstaGraham? Get it????? GET IT????? You guys are jerks.

The dinner date happens. We watch it. It’s as terrible as you think it might be. Graham tries to put the brakes on their relationship by saying they should take things slow. Ashlee doesn’t take the hint. They get a sex invitation from Chris Harrison because Chris Harrison is a big ole pimp. Instead of jumping straight to bed to have sex, we’re forced to watch 4 minutes of white people dancing. Then, they make out.

Graham refuses the sex invitation because he’s a gentleman. Or, he doesn’t really like AShLeE that much. This show is a lot like a Disney movie.

The Rose Ceremony is coming up soon. The guys are in charge of handing out pink slips, and roses. Two girls will be going home. It’s super tense. Sarah is still mopey about Robert. Michelle Money also wants Robert’s rose. I have no idea what is going to happen. I watch with my fingers in front of my eyes because I can’t take it. I simply cannot take it.

Robert has to choose. There is no way that ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ producers aren’t telling him to choose Michelle Money because she’s so much more interesting than Sarah. I’ll be shocked if they let him choose Sarah. Did you hear me? Shocked! (Foreshadowing)

Meanwhile, Danielle is trying to win back No Game Marquel from Jackie. She says that she likes Marquel and she enjoyed their date. No Game says, “Just to confirm, you had a good time?” That’s something a guy doesn’t say. When he’s done talking with Danielle, he says, “Good talk.” Again, who talks like this? Jackie also tries to woo Marquel. It’s wooey. Marquel is wearing a black tie over a short-sleeve Hawaiian shirt. It’s a new look that I hope no one else ever tries.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Graham hangs on to AShLee. Zach holds on to Clare, for some reason. Marcus is still latched with Lacy and her eye make-up. Marquel shocks the world by taking Jackie over Danielle. It’s shocking. Admit it, you guys. You were shocked. Poor Danielle. She didn’t even get to use the Mexican shower.

Robert’s rose is the grand finale. For the second time, the world is rocked to its core when Robert chooses Sarah! What the hell were the producers thinking?? At least Sarah will be less whiney for a couple of minutes. Michelle Money openly cries because she doesn’t find love again. I kind of really dislike Michelle Money, so I quickly get over it.

As an afterthought, Big Angry Chris calls Elise up to the front and makes a very public display of not giving Elise a rose. It’s dramatic times three!!!! Chris instead offers Elise an invitation to go home with him to rehab his knee. Elise says she prayed this would happen. Can you pray with 78% of your boobs showing on National TV? That works? I went to the wrong Catholic School.

Big Angry Chris gives his rose to Michelle Money because producers made him do it. Maybe he’s not so big and angry! Michelle Money cries and takes the rose so she can further abandon her 9 and a half-year old son to try and fall in love with vapid and self-obsessed men. I cry a little at home.

Big Angry Chris and Elise limp into their jeep and get driven off to the real world to explore true love. It’s a lot like Keri Strug’s 1996 broken leg Gold Medal performance. Sports quote filled. See, you guys? I didn’t think I’d find a sports quota in this mess, but I took off my shirt and prayed, and it happened! Boom! Up there, Lord!

A long time ago, my ancestors wronged the ancestors of the people of ABC. To get even, they’re giving us two episodes of ‘Bachelor in Paradise on Monday and Tuesday. There will be an ambulance. With any luck, I’ll be in it.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Contaminating Our Oceans with Sex

Where the hell have you guys been? So much has happened on ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ that I can barely keep up. There has been love, deceit, more love, making out, plastic boobs, some ‘like’, lies, hate, drama and then additional drama.

We’ve reached week 2 of the worst thing to ever happen, but I feel like I’ve been recapping this show my entire life. Do you know how, when you get your foot caught in a bear trap in the middle of a dense forest, it takes forever to chew it off? It’s like that.

If you’re new to the show, ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ is a forced dating show. A bunch of ab-ridden socialites gather in Mexico and must find a partner or suffer the shame of being sent home. Chris Harrison calls it “a second chance to find a soul mate.” I don’t think Chris Harrison knows what a soul mate is, unless a soul mate is actually someone you run into the ocean with to have sex and then leave them 15 minutes later for someone else.

Before the episode, Chris Harrison says “You are not going to believe what you see tonight.” I can’t believe that I won’t believe it. It’s unbelievable. Harrison tells us a touching love story.

Michelle, the really weird girl who left the show last week slept with some random crew member in a hotel. I guess when you film every second of a woman’s life, you can develop feelings for them. They snuck around and stuff happened. Stuff tends to happen in places. When confronted about the sneaky sex times, the crew guy jumped off of a balcony to get away. It’s a bold and stupid move.

ABC gives us a terribly acted re-enactment, complete with a dummy jumping off of a balcony. It’s the apex of terrible. Wait, apex is the top. Terrible can’t have a top. This is the zapex of terrible. The crew guy’s name is Ryan Putz. The freakin’ guy’s name is PUTZ. You can’t make this stuff up. Actually, you can. They probably did. I don’t know, nor do I care. This whole thing was 10 minutes of my life I’ll never get back, thrown onto the pile of thousands of minutes I’ll never get back.

We begin the real show with the arrival of Big Angry Chris the super intense guy. He seems like the kind of guy who would push someone off of a balcony. He’s perfect for ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. Chris comes with a date card, so he’s sure to get attention from the lady types who want to stick around. His date card says, “Choose someone to pamper in paradise”.

This week, the girls are in charge of handing out the roses, which gives them the power of who to keep and who to cast off STD Island.

Chris chose Clare and her dad for his date. They get a couple’s massage. It’s pampery. Clare’s dad watches a professional massage guy rub his daughter, and then Big Angry Chris rubs Clare. There’s a lot of Clare rubbing. Chris and Clare really hit it off. It’s super adorable. ABC plays soft music as they “frolic” in the ocean. The poor ocean.

Back at the bungalow, Robert is bummed that Lacy left him for Marcus. There’s drama there. Marcus gets the next date card and gives it to Lacy to further their connection. It’s furthery. Lacey says that she’s “beyond interested” in getting to know Marcus better. I have absolutely no idea what “beyond interested” is. Maybe it’s obsessed? I’m beyond obsessed with the cancellation of ‘Bachelors in Paradise’.

Elise and Dylan strengthen their connection. It’s strengtheny and connectiony. Elise says that she’s falling in love with Dylan even though they’ve only know each other for a week. Elise talks about how she’s a Pisces and that’s why she loves the ocean and stuff. Dylan is not into Elise and says that he wants to see other people. There are only, like, 8 other people, so that’s pretty specific. Dylan dumps Elise.

Lacey and Marcus go out on their date right in front of heart-broken Robert. Sarah with 1 and ¾ arms can’t believe how fast Lacey jumped to Marcus. She says, “It’s BEYOND crazy how fast Lacey jumped to Marcus.” If you’re keeping score at home, BEYOND crazy is watching ‘Bachelors in Paradise’-crazy.

Marcus and Lacey drink wine and talk about how he was dumped by Andi the Bachelorette so they would have a chance to find each other. The Lord works in mysterious ways, you guys.

Back at the bungalow, Big Angry Chris has cast aside Clare to flirt with Elise. Keep up. Clare doesn’t know about it. Elise is keeping flirty with Big Angry Chris to try and make Dylan jealous. THAT’S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME, GIRL! (I think)

Big Angry Chris and Elise get into their little crotch hammock bikinis and jump into the ocean to pollute it more. The poor ocean. Clare sees the make-out session and is super mad. Who wouldn’t be? Answer me!

We come back from commercial with footage of Dylan doing sit-ups, for some reason. Michelle Money and Elise talk about stuff. They talk and there’s talking. I can’t really recap it because it happens so fast and so pointless. Basically, Elise thinks that what she has with Dylan is special. She calls this a turning point in their relationship, which is the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard.

Dylan told Elise to see other people. She saw Big Angry Chris in the ocean. Dylan is now mad. That’s like putting peanut butter on a dog’s tongue and telling it not to eat peanut butter. Elise is super upset. She apologizes for kissing Big Angry Chris. Dylan dumps Elise again, hurting his chances of sticking around.

Elise is upset and confused about getting dumped, but she’s still not giving up on Dylan. She says, “This is nothing. This is nothing. This is just a little bump. That means we have a connection.” Elise is super smart.

The cast talk about the Elise/Clare/Dylan/Big Angry Chris love triangle. It’s more like a love quadangle, or a love square. It could be a love rhombus. It could also be a love parallelogram. It’s a four-way love shape thingee.

Some guy named Zach shows up to their love island and everyone acts super excited because Zach is a cool guy, or something. Zach was on Desiree’s season. I don’t remember him. It’s Dez now, by the way.

Zach chooses Clare for his date. They walk through Mexico. Clare says that walking through Mexico helps her embrace her heritage because she’s half-Mexican. So, Clare is half-Mexican. Claro? Si.

They jump into the ocean as contractually obligated by ABC. They add some salt and some stink. Don’t anybody eat fish for a couple of months until this ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ contamination clears up. The poor ocean.

Back at the bungalow, Big Angry Chris makes fun of Dylan for having a 4% body fat. He calls him ‘Fat’ Damon. I guess he kind of almost looks like Matt Damon. Clever.

Dylan ‘Fat Damon’ gets a date card and gets to choose a woman to take out. He asks Sarah to go. Sarah is super nice and makes sure Dylan isn’t still hooking up with Elise, but she is totally into Dylan. Sarah plays hard-to-get and takes time to think about it. Sarah and Elise are super close friends. They’re like best friends. Best friends are way closer than normal friends, you guys.

Sarah asks Elise if it’s cool. Elise is shocked that the guy she blew off to make out with someone else in the ocean is standoffish toward her. She doesn’t understand why the guy who has dumped her twice would ask someone else out on a date. Elise doesn’t have a great concept of relationships. She cries but tells Sarah that it’s cool. It’s totally cool, you guys. Elise is totally cool, even though she cries a ton. Sarah, who is unable to interpret what her friend’s tears mean, goes out on a date with Dylan.

Elise mopes around her bungalow. It’s stormy outside and Elise makes reference to how she and Dylan are in the middle of a storm. You guys, she totally drew a parallel between her relationship with Dylan and the current weather conditions. Elise is a genius. Elise is quick to forget that she was recently dumped by Dylan. Why couldn’t I meet women like Elise in college?

Sarah and Dylan go out on a date. They eat on TV. It’s not real stormy where they eat. It must be a different part of Mexico. The crickets are loud in this part of Mexico. Dylan and Sarah eat dinner amongst crickets. They talk and there’s talking, and cricket chirping.

Dylan really likes Sarah. He says that she’s hilarious. She totally is. Sometimes, I can’t concentrate on work because I’m constantly thinking about all of the super funny things that Sarah is always saying. I can’t even really pick just one funny thing. Basically, everything she says is funny. Sarah is hilarious. You have no idea.

Back at the Bungalow, Michelle Money is starting to get sweet on Ben. Keep up! Ben wants to find love. Marcus and Marquel dig through Ben’s backpack and find a love note from Ben’s girlfriend back home. It’s super dramatic. I wish you could have heard how dramatic the music was. Picture a movie scene where a father is holding his two kids off the end of a cliff and only has enough strength to pull one of them to safety. He has to choose which child to save. This was that dramatic.

Marquel takes the love note to confront Ben. It’s confronty. Marquel might not have game, but he has this confronting thing down. Marcus joins Marquel in the confrontation. It’s double-confronty. The guys are mad at Ben for being here for the wrong reasons. Ben doesn’t deny it. Marquel and Marcus judge him for his wrong-reasonedness.

For the next 7 minutes, Marquel yells at Ben for having a girlfriend on a show where people have sex with other people in the ocean seconds after having sex with different people in the ocean.

Michelle Money digs deep into her emotional shallowness to yell at Ben. She cries about how she has been missing her 9-year old daughter for a show where Ben just walks around with the wrong reasons. Ben is ruining the integrity of the show by having a girlfriend. Michelle Money cries a lot and storms off. Michelle Money is the worst person who ever lived. Michelle Money is as close to a real person as my Fantasy Football team is to a real NFL team. Sports quota filled. Not that it matters during this highly emotional time.

At no point does anyone suggest to Michelle Money that she doesn’t have to miss her 9-year old daughter if she just went home, but that would mean that she didn’t get to be on TV. That’s not happening.

Clare questions the purpose of the show by saying, “Who is here for the right reasons? Is anyone here for love?” I don’t have an answer for Clare. No comprende, Clare.

Ben volunteers to leave the show because he was bad. He says, “I’m done with TV.” As they go to commercial, Michelle Money is bawling her eyes out. I’m just glad that her daughter gets a chance to see her grow and learn life lessons on TV. Michelle Money took a big chance by traveling to Mexico to make out with strange men. I hope it pays off for her.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Keep up! Big Angry Chris, Robert and Dylan are in danger of going home. Marcus has Lacey, Sarah has Dylan. Graham has AshLEe. Zach has Clare. Marquel and his lack of game have Michelle Money and her lack of a soul. Marquel is all set to cruise through the Rose Ceremony and then screws it up. He tells Michelle Money that she likes to drink. She takes offense while holding a giant glass of wine in her hands. Robert swoops in and woos Michelle Money. It’s wooey.

I hope, if you read down this far, it’s because you’re being punished for a serious crime or you’re doing so for school credit. You couldn’t possibly be reading this for entertainment. I’m almost hoping you’re in a clinic, recovering from laser eye correction surgery and someone is reading this recap out loud to you, but you’re kind of half out of it and you’re unable to get them to stop reading.

Sarah is uncomfortable giving Dylan a rose because Elise is her friend and Elise likes Dylan. To make Sarah feel better, Dylan dumps Elise again. HE DUMPS HER THREE TIMES IN ONE WEEK. That has to be a record. Elise, a master of intellect, says, “He’s sending mixed signals.” I can’t wait until Elise is the President of the United States of America.

Before roses are handed out, Chris Harrison says, “I think everyone here is sincerely looking for love.” I laugh so loud that my neighbors call the police.

In a stunning upset, Marquel gets a rose from Michelle Money. It’s shocking. I’m shocked. You guys were shocked too.

Just when we get over THAT shock, Elise tries to give a rose to Dylan. It’s shocking. Dylan refuses the rose. Elise still hasn’t figured out that she’s been dumped three times. She makes a long, rambling speech to the group that takes forever. ABC makes fun of her by playing circus music. It was terrible times. Big Angry Chris get seconds by accepting Elise’s rose after Dylan refuses it.

Sarah has the final rose of the night. She gives it Robert. So, Dylan goes home. Boom. You guys, three shocking things in the span of three minutes. I feel like I jumped off of a balcony, even though I didn’t, because that would be stupid.

Dylan doesn’t cry in his limo ride home because he’s still a 4% body fat-Matt Damon type and those kinds of guys have no trouble frolicking with girls in the oceans of the real world.

I hated tonight because I only got to type AsHleE once. This show is beyond terrible. Next week is supposed to be super dramatic, so there’s that. Also, I just realized the show is called ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ and not ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. Our lives will never be the same.

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Bachelors in Paradise Recap - Paradise is Hell

Remember failing algebra and having to sit through summer school? That’s what I’m doing tonight by watching and recapping ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. I’ve failed in life and this is my punishment.

Former castoffs and game show losers are in Mexico to get another chance at love. Unlike the other failed Bachelor spinoff ‘Bachelor Pad’, there is no prize money on this show. They just throw these horny kids in Mexico to procreate and cry. There’s lots of procreating and crying… and love.

This quote from the preview footage says it all, “I will punch you in your face.” Apparently, someone gets arrested… or not. Who cares? Anyway, get ready for a half-assed recap of a show I didn’t want to watch that I know will be terrible.

Chris Harrison is his business casual best stands on a beach to greet his floozies. Clare of ‘Clare’s Dad’ fame is first. She had her heart broke by Juan Pablo but she’s over it. She says, “I’m getting back to being Clare”. We’re all glad for that.

Marcus is here, fresh off of being dumped by Andi. Sarah and her 1 and ¾ arms are here. She tells America that she’s not going to apologize for having 1 and ¾ arms. I, frankly, wasn’t looking for an apology.

Maquel brings his absolute lack of a game to ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. Clare says that Marquel’s outfit is “on point”. That’s good, I think.

Some annoying girl named Daniella who moves her head like a chicken when she talks is here. Grant is here. He played sports or something.  Lacy is here. She gets a lot of attention for her boobage and… eyes. No one knows what season she’s from. I can’t remember and I usually don’t forget… eyes like that.

There’s dramatic music as some guy named Ben comes up. He’s disliked because he was terrible to people on TV. I can’t keep the terrible people apart in my head, so I don’t remember Ben.

Michelle K was a psycho. She’s here to be psychopathic. It should be psychoey. Some guy named Robert walks up. He’s a guy. Dylan shows up and Maquel hugs him. Dylan and Marquel are super friends.

A girl named Elise can’t walk down stairs because her heels are too high and her boobs are too big. She’s also about as smart as me. Elise says that she came here to find a man. That’s good because there are men here. Elise fell in love with Dylan right away. Keep up!

AshLee is next. She’s annoying, like a school teacher who knows everything. AShlEE only came to meet Graham because she saw him on TV and fell in like with him. AshlEe has a super big crush on Graham. She’s only HuMan.

Chris Harrison lays down the rules. You are instructed to mingle. If you don’t find a partner by the end of the week, you go home. The idea is, from week to week, you need to have someone to hook up with. They call them ‘connections’. It’s super dramatic. I’m dramatized. This is already the stupidest thing I’ve ever watched, and I watched most of ‘How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days’.

Some girl named Lacy grabbed a dude named Robert and jumped into the ocean to make out. It’s grown sexy. It only took Lacy 11 seconds to earn the role of ‘Queen of the Hornballs.’ As Michelle says, “Home girl is not playing around.”

The group starts to drink shots in their beach bungalow. Marcus can’t drink shots and have fun because he’s still heart broken over Andi. Marcus says, “I’m not saying that another potential wife can’t be here…” And then he kept talking. He goes into the ocean to swim.

Fresh off of humping Robert, Lacy jumps into the ocean to grope heartbroken Marcus. One and ¾ armed Sarah is super sad because she kind of liked Marcus and Lacy is slutting up her plans.

Dylan and Daniella go into the ocean. Basically, these people are treating the ocean like the coat room at a party. You say ‘hello’ to a girl, take her hand, and bring her into the ocean to slurp.

Daniella keeps talking and it’s driving me crazy. They need to put her head into a saw vice so she can keep still while she talks. My wife sizes up the cast by saying, “These girls and their overbites…” It’s a brilliant statement.

aShLee gushes about Graham. Two girls sit in a hammock and talk. There’s talking. I can’t keep up with the stupidity. This show is terrible. Why are you reading this?

There is a date card delivered. Clare gets to choose a guy for her date. She screams, “I had a dream about this.” She is ‘Woodchucks in the Freezer’ crazy. If you don’t remember, Clare brought a DVD of her dead dad’s message for her future husband to Juan Pablo’s season. She picks Graham for her date. All of the girls love Graham. ashlEe is upset because she really likes Graham. She storms off and cries because Graham is supposed to be faithful to her because they talked to each other for 8 minutes. AshLeE is unstable, at best.

The girls go into a room to bad mouth Clare. They say that she’s ugly. Clare comes to check on aShlee and they tell her to go away! Clare goes off to cry. She tells a raccoon that she doesn’t want drama. I’m not kidding. A raccoon walks up and she talks to the raccoon about fire ants. I’m not even drunk.

Clare pulls ashleE aside to make nice. She explains that she doesn’t want bad things to happen and that Ashlee should take Graham on the date. asHlee declines. Clare agrees to take someone else on their date. ashLee accepts. Clare cries when she tells Graham what’s up. This girl must be constantly dehydrated from crying. Clare takes Robert instead.

Clare and Robert drive to see Mexican ruins. Keep up! The ruins are ruined. It’s ruiney. Clare says, “I don’t even know what a vista is, but we walked out onto this vista.” They explore the ruins. We watch it.

Robert steps on fire ants and gets covered in them. Clare suggests he take his shirt off, so we see more of Robert. I’m pretty sure Bachelor interns planted the fire ants to give Robert an excuse to take his shirt off. Those interns are on point.

Robert and Clare shake off the ant attack and continue to explore the Mexican ruins. Robert puts it all in perspective by saying, “There’s so much culture surrounding us.” Clare says, “I’m literally speechless.” Clare doesn’t know what ‘literally’ means. They take fun pictures and have fun. It’s fun. I totally had fun watching them have fun. You guys had fun too, admit it.

Robert and Clare jump into the ocean to have more fun. It’s even more fun. I thought we had reached the maximum level of fun with the ruins and the exploring and the fire ants, but the ocean is totally funner. They just laugh and fun it up. I think that’s my new slogan in life. Fun It Up! I’m totally going stop being such a grouch and a cynic and start Funning It Up! You guys are now in the presence of a whole new Greg. Fun it up, you guys!

By the way, ABC is probably going to have to throw some chlorine into the ocean to cancel out the STDedness that ‘Bachelors in Paradise is causing. I wonder how many species of fish we’ll lose to the rampant ocean sex of one season of ‘Bachelors in Paradise’? The pH levels have to be way off. You’d think OSHA would step in. Get it???? OSHA???? OCEAN???? GET IT? You guys are jerks.

Back at the bungalow, Lacy makes a move on Marcus. Keep up! Marcus talks about how he hasn’t dated a lot because he just hasn’t found the right girl. If Marcus hasn’t found the right girl, there are no right girls. That dude is attractive. Marcus and Lacy compliment each other’s eyes. It’s super romantic. I start crying.

The next date card comes. Sarah with 1 and ¾ arms gets to choose a guy to date. She’s super whiney and non-assertive, a great personality combination for ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. There’s nothing wrong with Sarah. She’s attractive and sweet. She just doesn’t think she is because she only has 1 and ¾ arms. Sarah asks Marcus out and Lacy is all bummed. I’m a little bummed too.

Sarah and Marcus go to a Mexican bathroom. They take off their clothes first, because...

Sarah is really into Marcus and super intimidated. It’s annoying. They walk down into a lagoon or something. I don’t know. Look, if you want a scientific explanation of every place the Bachelors in Paradise visit, you’re reading the wrong recap.

Because Sarah only has 1 and ¾ arms, ABC makes her jump into the water. Sarah will spend the rest of her life on ABC climbing up and down things. Everyone has their own destiny. Sarah gets up the nerve to make out with Marcus. They make out. It’s more sweet than slurpy. Sarah isn’t ready for slurpy yet. Baby steps, you guys.

Back at the bungalow, Lacy cries because she isn’t currently making out with Marcus. Brian says, “Wanna go walk on the beach?” which is ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ code for, “Let’s go pollute the ocean with our sex stink.” They make out.

ABC shows the moon and a crab crawling on the beach. Then, the music gets more dramatic than it’s ever gotten. Michelle Money shows up because she’s completely incapable of NOT being on TV for any extended length of time. It’s dramatic because that’s one less spot for a woman. My wife says, “This is going to get hormonal.” At least I picked the right woman.

Michelle Money has been terrible in all kinds of Bachelor shows and Bachelor spin offs. I’m not a fan. Marquel says, “She’s a different breed of woman.” She’s the terrible breed, Marquel. Keep away! (Marquel can’t hear me.)

Michelle Money comes equipped with a date card. She brings it straight to Graham and comes close to asking him out on her date. asHlEE gets immediately upset because she likes Graham. It’s dramatic. Michelle instead brings the card to Marquel and his lack of game. The only chance Marquel has on this show is to get asked out by the girl. He’s not making a move. Marquel says ‘Yes’. I can’t wait to watch him mess this up.

Michelle Money tells the camera about her 9-year old son and her stretch marks. It’s grown sexy. She doesn’t want to screw this date up because she doesn’t want to die alone. She shouldn’t worry about being alone. There will always be plenty of people in hell.

Money and Marquel (which would make a great sitcom title) walk around in Mexico. They’re scheduled by ABC to ride horses. Watching it is the most fun I’ve ever had. Marquel is super excited for his horse date. He tells Michelle Money, “After talking to you last night, I feel like you’re a genuine person…” Umm, Michele Money is as genuine as a dollar bill containing a picture of Art Linkletter. Kudos to you if you’re too young to get that reference. We all know that Michelle Money isn’t too young. She has stretch marks.

Lacy gets the next date card. She chooses Robert. Marcus has a sad over being snubbed by Lacy. We see his sadness. It’s all over our televisions.

Lacy and Robert drink wine. Dylan is also upset now because he likes Lacy. Marcus and Dylan lie around and discuss their attraction to Lacy. I’m not a Lacy fan. I dislike her. Fortunately for Lacy, simply disliking her still puts her in a tie for 2nd favorite person on the show.

Next comes the cocktail party for last ditch efforts for rose getting. There are two more guys than girls. That means two girls won’t get roses and they’ll have to go home. What happens now is the struggle of a bunch of gorgeous women who have never had to ever make an effort to gain companionship before in their lives, forced to beg for roses. The insecurity levels are off the charts. It’s actually kind of fun.

Here’s the scoop. Marcus likes Lacy. Lacy likes Robert. Robert likes Lacy. Sarah likes Marcus. Marcus wants to give Lacy a rose but knows Robert will give Lacy a rose. Sarah wants to receive Marcus’ rose. Marcus will give Sarah a rose if Robert doesn’t give Lacy a rose but Robert is totally going to give Lacy a rose. Who wouldn’t? Keep up!!

Before roses are handed out crazy ‘Other’ Michelle bows out and leaves the show because she refused to talk to other people for an entire week and knows she’s about to be dumped. It’s the sane, crazy thing to do. Chris Harrison says, “Okay, there’s a car waiting for you.” Crazy Michelle walks away crying. I blame ABC for putting her on television for a second time. I joke here, but this Michelle is not really stable. She seems to have real emotional and social problems. It’s irresponsible to poke that bear. She’s a panda in a room full of brown bears and you don’t poke a panda.

Roses are next. Six couples are formed. ‘No Game’ Marquel has hooked up with Michelle Money. Graham has chosen AshLeE. Dylan has Elise (Who is already in love with Dylan). Marcus ups the drama ante by picking Lacy. Lacy accepts. Boom!

He changed the game! Robert and Lacy totally had a thing going. Now she’s with Marcus. Robert picks Clare and her dad. Clare is all smiles about being Robert’s second option. Clare says, “There’s still hope for Claradise.” Clare has decided to call this ‘Claradise’, by the way. My computer has to be just about maxed out on learning new words. I’m sure ‘Claradise’ is putting it over the top.

Ben has the last rose. He gives it to Sarah. Daniella is the only girl left who hasn’t either received a rose or volunteered to leave. She is sent away to her limo. Ben lied to her. Ben’s a bad person, you guys.

Next week, we get to watch someone jump off of a ledge. I guess that’s worth tuning in.