Monday, September 8, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Dumping Guys Who Wear Jeans to Bed

It is with great sadness that I must announce that this is the final recap I will ever do for ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. I’m sorry, I meant “happiness”. That was supposed to say “happiness” because I’m happy. It would be “sadness” if I found out that I had to start this train wreck season over from the beginning, or if the cast members were all coming over to my house for dinner.

We’ve reached the ultimate episode in a sultry and pointless season of filth. Twelve contestants remain and they are totally ‘coupled up’. We know that ashleE will be Miss Crazypants, we know that Marcus and Lacy are in totally gaga in love, and we know that Clare’s dad is watching. We do NOT know if ABC has planned any type of result for the season, or if they’re just going to show two more hours of slurping and then drop a curtain. I’d be fine with that as long as it’s over. I can’t take any more of this crap.

We begin with tidings of love. Chris Harrison tells us how in love every one is, then he tells us that ABC is going to push and pull everyone around to make sure that they don’t stay in love. If ABC loved love so much, I wish they’d leave love alone.

Michelle Money says it best when she says, “I feel like my head is going to explode.”

The couples are all nervous because they know changes are coming to their Saradise/ Claradise/ Slurpadise. Harrison waltzes in and basically yells at everyone. He tells his fun bunch to love each other unconditionally or break up now. He really lays down the hammer and tells them not to F around with love. The couples are instructed to be ready to love each other or break up now. Michelle Money does it again by saying, “This is the real deal!” It totally is, Michelle. This deal is real. There is nothing unreal about this deal. It’s real.

Michelle Money seems to think that she has to get married right now or ABC lawyers will push her off of a cliff or something. That would be a reality show I’d watch, by the way.

The couples discuss how bummed out they are that they might have to leave if their partner isn’t ready for things to be real. They fail to point out that they’d be leaving anyway. People don’t spend a lot of time pointing things out on this show.

AShlee is wearing another headband and I can’t even listen to her talk. It’s double annoying. A headband on aShlee’s head is like putting dog poo on a statue carved out of petrified dog barf. Michelle can’t stand AshLee either and runs off to convince Graham to dump AshlEe. She’s taking this very seriously. She should, because this is the deal that is the real deal. The deal is real.

Michelle Money goes up to Graham and slams ASHLEe. Bam. Michelle doesn’t like ashLEE at all. At all. Graham doesn’t talk while Michelle badmouths his girlfriend. They hug. It’s huggy. Based on a two-minute conversation, Graham agrees to go dump AShLEE. It’s super dramatic. I’m dramatized.

We see ASHLEE ramble on about how in love she is and how great she has it with Graham and how they’re going to love each other for ever as Graham takes her outside to dump her. ABC produces production, yo?

Graham dumps Ashlee. He does it quick. If you’re going to dump an ASHleE, you do it quick. AsHLEE gets mad, but not “stabby” mad. She acts like an actual dumped person. I’m honestly shocked at how normal she acts. It’s a huge let down. How can a show that you expect absolutely nothing from let you down? It happened. This deal is real. It’s the real deal. AshLEe and Graham hug and it’s over.

Wait, it’s not over. asHlee asks to not be dumped. I lean forward, expecting the crazy to come out. It doesn’t. She walks away. Graham’s alone again. AshLEe’s alone again. They’re all alone. We’re all alone. Nothing matters. I hate real deals. It’s more like a raw deal.

Michelle Money runs out to console her Grahammy-pants. There are tears. It’s teary. AsHLeE talks about how embarrassing it is to get dumped in front of a million people and I don’t think that many people are watching. I know there aren’t many people reading this sentence at all. At all.

ASHlEe cries in the limo. I feel bad for her because she took the headband off. If she really wanted my sympathy, she should have worn eye black. I would have sympathized like crazy.

The dramatic ashleE/ Graham break up has everyone thinking. The deal has become even realer. It’s the realer deal. Tazos takes Kristy aside and, because the deal is completely realer, they agree to break up and not go on to whatever is going to happen later which is probably nothing. Zach and Jackie break up because they were never really dating.

Cody isn’t sure that Michelle is really into him. What Cody doesn’t consider is that, in order to break up with him, Michelle would have to no longer be on TV. That is not an option for Michelle Money. She needs TV like I need beer. ABC shows us dramatic footage of Michelle standing on balconies to think about her potential feelings for being on TV longer. Michelle Money thinks and we watch it. We watch her think and talk about thinking for six minutes. There’s a commercial break in between her thoughts. This deal is beyond real.

Coming back from commercial, Clare’s dad crawls up on the beach and birds fly by. The deal is real. Michelle Money goes down to talk to Cody. She’s tells the camera, “I just have to navigate my emotions.” I will now use the phrase “navigate my emotions” in every sentence I speak for the rest of my life.

You’ll be like, “Greg, do you want a sandwich?”
And I’ll be all, “I’m really trying to navigate my emotions to decide if I want a sandwich.”

Michelle Money calls her daughter on the phone to help her navigate her emotions. It sounds like her daughter’s name is Breahl. So, this conversation is the Breahl deal. Michelle asks her daughter if she should date a guy her daughter has never met. Her daughter tells her not to rush into things. Breahl keeps it real. Michelle tells Breahl that she has to rush into things. Breahl is all, “Just date him, then. What do I care? You named me Breahl!”

Michelle Money navigates her emotions toward the fast lane. She decides to rush into things with Cody so she can stay on TV longer. This deal is real, Breahl.

So, our remaining couples are Michelle and Cody, Sarah and Robert and Marcus and Lacy. Chris Harrison yells at them again to make sure that they aren’t lying to him about being in love. Chris Harrison really, really loves love, you guys! He just wants love to happen. He’s like a farmer squatting down in his field at dawn, making sure the love he has planted is growing. These couples are like Chris Harrison’s little love seedlings. They just need some water, sunlight, a hot tub and a helicopter.

The love challenges are announced. Chris Harrison tells them they get to go on one more date and then they’ll have their love put to the test. REAL! Deals are real. Everyone grips and complains to the camera about how real the deal is. If you read down this far, send me an email and I’ll buy you a Paula’s Donut or something.

When we come back from commercial, we see Cody putting on lip balm. Keep up!

The couples go off on their serious dates. Remember, these are the final dates before the deals get ever realer. We’ll soon have realest deals. There’s a bunch of talking about progress, nervousness, relationships and sparks. Lacy looks like someone applied her makeup with a spackle. How could an attractive woman apply products designed to enhance attraction and considerably destroy her attractiveness? She should keep it Breahl.

Robert and Sarah get into a hot tub and make out. They do a good job of not talking about making out before they make out. That makes it much more comfortable for the viewer. They have cute slurpy times.

Marcus and Lacy sit on a couch and Lacy tells Marcus that she loves him. They’re so in love, you guys!!!!!! Talk about real deals! They’re so totally in love I have to stand up and shake out my limbs to let their love flow through my entire body. I can now feel their love in my toes. If I were to give blood and the blood technician asked me what kind of blood I had, I would say, “It’s Lacy/Marcus love-blood and it flows through my body like a song” and then me and the blood technician would high-five because she would feel their love too. Did you know that you could see Marcus’ and Lacy’s love from space? Did you know that the Eskimos have 40 different words for Marcus’ and Lacy’s love? Did you know that, if you buried Marcus’ and Lacy’s love in the desert, a flower would grow? You guys are jerks.

Michelle Money and Cody talk about their progressing love. They’re offered a fantasy suite card. Cody tells Michelle Money that he wants to get married. Michelle wants to spend the night with Cody but tells America that they won’t be having sex. What the hell is the point of a Fantasy Suite if you’re not having sex? That’s not the point at all. At all.

Michelle is confused about where she’s going. She says, “I feel like it could go either way. I feel like guys with that big of a body have BLEEP. But maybe I could be wrong, like his BLEEP is muscular like the rest of his body.” See, ABC bleeped a word to make it seem like Michelle Money was talking about Cody’s penis. I’m pretty sure she was saying the word “heart” and they bleeped it to make it sound dirty. Grow up, ABC. Breahl is watching.

So, after one night, Michelle Money is now positive she’s in love with Cody. They run down the next morning to tell everyone they’re now dating. Everyone’s excited. It’s exciting. You guys were excited, too. Admit it. Cody says, “She might have broke the Code!” I’m now going to use the phrase “broke the code” in all of the sentences I don’t use “navigate my emotions”.

Sarahdise and Robert did not have a good night. Robert wore jeans to bed. JEANS! Robert didn’t want to get physical with Sarahdise and she’s super sad about it. They’re behind the other couples. They sit on a couch and discuss their lack of level with the rest of the group. These people are super open about their relationships, I’ll give them that. These deals are real. They broke the Code.

Sarah complains about Robert. She tells the camera how she tried to undo Robert’s pants while he slept. I’m uncomfortable. She explains how he didn’t try to touch her beneath the neck and how she isn’t even sure if he has a penis. Holy cow, this woman keeps talking. Robert wants the friendzone and Sarah wants the endzone. She wants Robert to break the Code. He didn’t want to be a Code breaker. There’s a bunch more talking. No one is reading this sentence. Keep up, if you were actually here.

Sarah wants someone to grope her all night and not sleep with their jeans on. Seriously, who wears their jeans to bed? I’d be more comfortable sleeping in a suit of armor. Robert is bummed out because he thought he was putting out love. He was really putting out flames. Flames of passion. Flames of Sarah’s passion. He put them out. He put out the flames of passion with his jeans. Robert wore jeans and Sarah lost love.

Sarah is now alone. Robert is alone. Sarah dumped Robert and now Sarah doesn’t have Robert or his jeans. HE WAS STILL WEARING HIS JEANS AS HE WALKED OFF THE BEACH! THEY’RE IN MEXICO! JEANS!

Sarah is heartbroken because she wanted her lower body kissed. She gets sympathy from the other two girls. They don’t kiss her lower body either. She keeps crying and talking. It keeps happening. It never stops happening. I can’t stop it from continuing to happen. I can’t do it at all. At all.

Just when you think the talking is over, we watch Robert pack and talk. He talks. Robert cries to the camera because he wanted love, he just moves too slow. He’s the kind of guy who likes to kiss above the neck and wear jeans to bed and on Mexican beaches. My crotch would start on fire if I wore a pair of jeans in Mexico.

As she’s crying in the limo, Sarah starts to realize that she shouldn’t have dumped Robert because he wore jeans to bed. She didn’t realize how real the deal was. The deal was real. Robert really liked her, even if he did wear jeans. Sarah is having regrets. We see them. The regrets stream down her face and go below her neck, a place Robert wouldn’t date venture.

Two couples remain. Chris Harrison stands before Michelle Money/Cody and Marcus/Lacy. He applauds their relationshipedness. Chris Harrison tells them that they now have to move their relationships to the real world. It’s exciting!
Harrison brings out former Bachelor winners in love to talk to them how to achieve maximum lovedness. We see terrible people like Jason Mesnick and the second woman he chose during his season. Desiree is here with her guy. She’s Dez, now. I can’t remember his name. Jason Mesnick and whatshernuts talk to Marcus to make sure he’s ready to love Lacy at home. He is. We see it in his eyes and chest.

We are reminded of Sean and Catherine and their grown sexiness. They talk to Cody and Michelle Money about loving and stuff. It happens. This all just keeps happening.

The ABC All Stars ask tough questions to the couples like whether or not they like Oreos and what their favorite body parts are. There is a bunch of love, with interviews spliced in. We even get to see Cody bench press Michelle Money again! Everyone is in love. I think we can all say that ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ is the greatest thing that has ever happened to Earth.

I was pretty sure the show was over, but ABC isn’t finished with me yet. Chris Harrison comes back out to further ruin my life with more real-dealedness. There’s a final rose ceremony. Cody gives a big long speech about meeting Michelle Money’s daughter and love and big arms. He gives her a rose and she accepts it. It’s accepty. Michelle also gives a speech and I look around for something to drop onto my head. We are forced to watch more talking and rose acceptance. I hate this show. I don’t like it at all. At all.

Cody and Michelle Money make out and slurp and Michelle Money gushes to the camera in all of her emptiness. She tells the camera how happy she is because Cody was meant for her all along. This, of course, was a guy she decided to randomly hook up with a week ago at a camp fire because she was the only woman without a dude that night.

Marcus and Lacy are about to begin their rose ceremony but Marcus puts it on hold to have a private conversation with Lacy. It’s super dramatic because he’s going to dump her! That’s what the dramatic music is telling us! This show is so void of content, ABC is forced to pretend like something is going to actually happen to try to salvage something.

Marcus and Lacy have their super private conversation in front of a million people. It’s just a love speech that was pulled aside so fake drama could be created. I could almost hear Bachelor producers telling him to pull Lacy aside so they could play scary music and act like he was dumping her. I hate this show so much. When I navigate my emotions through ‘Bachelor in Paradise’, I always arrive at hate.

Marcus proposes to Lacy. It’s totally dramatic. The music is happy. She says yes. They’re totally in love. I take it all back! This show is real. It’s the real deal. Where did he get the ring when they’re on a sex island? Nevermind! I don’t care! Marcus and Lacy are in love and they’re getting married. Keep up!

All of the other whores cheer about the super cool engagement. My wife and I high-five. Love is totally conquering everything. If you punched a hole into my stomach and grabbed a fist-full of my lower intestines, my blood would splatter out and your shirt would be stained with Marcus and Lacy’s love.

After that, they still do the stupid rose ceremony. Marcus and Lacy give their stupid speeches and we listen to them as terrible people look on and smile. At least Lacy is wearing a lot less make-up for this final part.

ABC recaps the season and gives us footnotes on how everyone is either still in love or broken up. There are also bloopers. This is my favorite part of the year because I don’t have to recap a ‘Bachelor’ show for a couple of months. Please stop reading these so I can stop forever. I’m begging you. This request is the real deal. You guys can break the Code.

Greg Bauch will be performing at Helium Comedy Club in the ‘Dirty Dozen’ show Wednesday 9/10 at 8 p.m. Click on a link on the side of this page for info.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - People Talk and There's Talking

We’re halfway through the season of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. I think. I’m not sure. This could be the last episode. This could be like a shark attack where you’re swimming one moment and dead the next. Or, it could be like a shark attack… where… there’s a bunch of suffering, infection and pain.

Twelve people remain in the Mexican island bungalow of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. The object of the show is not known. There are couples and couples who aren’t really couples. There are raccoons, sea turtle dads, drama, booze, ocean sex and abs… in that order. Keep up.

Michelle Money begins the week by complain that her boyfriend is in love with her. You know, typical girl stuff. Michelle Money is stressed out by Cody’s love. Who wouldn’t be? Would you guys be? Answer me!

Michelle Money tries to put the brakes on. He takes it hard because he’s a giant man with big arms who moves fast. Cody says, “I’m 100% committed to Michelle.” So, there’s no part of Cody who isn’t committed to Michelle. Not even his 4th left rib.

Marcus gets a date card and, of course he’s taking Lacy!!! They’re totally in love. ABC gives them a jeep. They drive it. ABC shows us a bunch of lizards. We watch them. Did you guys see the lizards? Can you tell I’m completely half-assing this recap because it’s midnight, I just got back from a party and I don’t care?

Marcus and Lacy climb down a cave because that’s the only thing anyone every does on this stupid show. Lacy describes the cave and its super funny because she doesn’t know what stalagmites are. We all laugh at home, even though we don’t know what stalagmites are either. They look at fish and rocks and I can’t believe ‘Happy Days’ got canceled but this show continues to air. There are bats. Everyone freaks out over the bats. ABC plays ‘Freak Out’ music to help us freak out. Admit it, guys. You totally freaked out!

Marcus protects Lacy from the bats and tells the camera that protecting Lacy from the bats makes him fall more in love with her. I know, whenever my marriage hits a lull, I unleash hundreds of bats and protect my wife from them. Afterwards, I love her a ton more.

Lacy hasn’t yet told Marcus that she loves him. It’s a huge deal. It’s dramatic. I can’t believe she hasn’t told Marcus she loves him yet. They sit on a hammock or something and talk about their relationship. Lacy finally tells him. We watch it. ABC shows us birds and stuff. I hate this show. Lacy and Marcus love each other and their love shows and grows. It glows. It won’t close. How far will their love go? No one knows. Not even John Turturros.

Michelle Money continues to complain about Cody smothering her. While she complains to Jesse, ABC shows us footage of Cody lifting giant rocks and stuff. It really helps with the context. I understand everything. Michelle Money is going to dump Cody.

Brooks enters STD island. Brooks is super quirky. He was on Desiree’s season. She’s Dez now. Sarah and her 1.75 arms loves Brooks. She’s freaking out because she’s happy with Robert, but attracted to Brooks. She hooked on Brooks. She’s giving Brooks looks. Brooks like Sarah and Robert tells him not to ask Sarah out. Robert doesn’t want Brooks to be a Sarah crook. I’d be worried about how terrible this recap is if anyone was reading it.

Robert tells Brooks that he’ll kill him if he asks Sarah out. Brooks asks out Jackie. Jackie and Brooks are going on a date! That’s awesome!!! We get to watch Jackie and Brooks date! I’m so excited, I feel alive for the first time! Sorry about all of the exclamation points.

Jackie dresses like Andromeda. Google it. Brooks and Jackie eat on TV somewhere. I’d describe it, but it’s beyond words. Brooks and Jackie really like each other. We see it. You can see the like in their eyes. I think Jackie and Brooks are healing the wounds of the nation with their romance and cuteness. I’m not even thinking about my crippling depression as they sip wine and chat about foosball. We watch foosball. It’s super intense. Sports quota filled. The winner of the foosball game gets kissed. It’s how all sports contests should be played. Jackie wins the game. Big league scouts are watching and they recruit her to play for their team, I’ll bet. ABC didn’t show that part.

Zack is bummed out by Jackie’s fun date because he likes Jackie. He’s irritated. He put his stake in Jackie and that stake has been ripped out by Brooks. Zack goes off to sit on a rock by himself. When the hell is this show going to end?

Back at the bungalow, Brooks and Sarah hang out on a couch and rekindle their passion. Brooks is charming Sarah just four seconds after foosballing with Jackie. This guy is all over the place.

Sarah runs out to dump Robert. She finds a love not from Robert tell her to meet him on the beach. Robert has bad timing. Sarah is a girl who was desperate for anyone one week ago. Now she has to choose between two super dreamy guys. Poor Sarah.

While Robert tells Sarah how much he likes her, she says, “I’m not really good at this sort of thing” as she attempts to dump him. Sarah chickens out and doesn’t dump Robert because he wants to date her in LA when their done on sin island. Sarah has now decided that she’s completely in love with the guy she ran out to dump. This show is cray.

Michelle Money has a heart-to-heart with Cody. While she’s telling him to slow down, he tells her that he wants her to meet his family. This guy isn’t good at picking up on signals. Michelle Money says that she loves his honesty and is interested in seeing where their relationship goes. She tells Cody that she adores him. This comes 14 seconds after she came to the conclusion that she was going to break up with him. This show is cray. It has no rules.

Before the commercial, ABC gives us a website to visit if we’re interested in dating America’s sexiest farmer, Chris the farmer. Finally!

Kristy and Jesse make out. Kristy really likes Jesse and thinks he’s a good guy. Jesse is drunk and kind of likes to hook up with a ton of different gorgeous women on their sexual island. What a jerk!!

Michelle Money tells Kristy that Jesse is fooling around with a bunch of women. Kristy sees the light and is super pissed. She calls Jesse the ‘DB’ word. ABC doesn’t bleep it, so you know it’s true. ABC also shows us more lizards. I’m so tired.

Kristy is upset about the Jesse news and thinks about leaving. She’s not sure whether or not to leave the island so she says, “I’m going to leave it in God’s hands.” It’s a good thing that God hasn’t nothing else to do so he can help Kristy with her love life.

Tazos answers Kristy’s prayer. Tazos is from Andi’s season. Stop it!! Tazos arrives on the island with a date card and moves in on Michelle Money. Cody is mad. You can tell he’s mad in the way that his chest and arms get even bigger. He’s like one of those blowfish.

Tazos is wearing a long sleeve shirt and pants. Apparently, he isn’t affected by the sun. Tazos moves in on Kristy. Michelle Money approves. She says, “If I were Kristy, I’d be tearing the ‘Zos’ out of that Tazos!” She does. She tears the ‘Zos’ out of Tazos by going out on a date with him. Jesse is mad. Stop reading my recaps. I refuse to check any of the spelling and grammar. Deal with it.

Tazos and Kristy take a boat ride in a lagoon or something. ABC shows us Clare’s dad, the sea turtle. They jump in the river-type thing despite alligator and snake-related dangers. We watch them float. They keep floating. It happens. Kristy and Tazos agree about something and hi-five. Can we all stop hi-fiving? Just stop it. They eat grapes. The date keeps happening.

Tazos wants to kiss Kristy, so he naturally does the right thing by asking her first and making it super awkward for everyone watching. Kristy really likes Tazos. They’re in love, you guys! This show does work.

Back at the bungalow, the sexual rompers all play football and corn hole. ABC makes a point of showing Sarah play sports and talk about how she has the worst arm ever. Grow up, ABC.

Zack gets a date card and gives it to Jackie. She accepts it. It’s accepty. AShLeE is mad because she didn’t get the date card and she’s also insane. AsHlEE is a terrible person because she wants all of the date cards. When she doesn’t get date cards, she pouts and complains and we are forced to watch it happen. It must be tough to be stuck in an island paradise and have your every need cared for and NOT get a date card. I’m not sure how she deals. I couldn’t deal. Could you guys deal? You couldn’t. Admit it. You guys are jerks.

Zack and Jackie go down to a fucking cave. All Mexico is is caves and river and turtles and sex. I can’t wait to go there. It’s dark, but Jackie and Zack are able to deal with their cave date. They’re super resilient. This is the same as the first date this week. Zack and Jackie find a table with alcohol and food lit by candles. Zack draws a parallel to his relationship with Jackie saying, “I’m beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel.” Zack is pretty deep.

Zack woos Jackie to win her back from Brooks. It’s wooey. Jackie and Zack make out in their cave. It’s slurpy good. It’s such a passionate make out session that I can’t tell where Jackie begins and Zack ends. It’s like they’re Zackie.

Jackie likes Zack. She also likes Brooks. Poor Jackie. I have no idea what she’ll do. If I were Jackie, I’d just jump into a volcano.

The Rose Ceremony is approaching. There are eight guys and six girls, with the girls holding the roses and the power. Everyone is mad at Jesse because he came to the island paradise to have fun. What a dick!

Chris Harrison enters to discuss the stakes. He asks everyone if they’re getting nervous about being sent him. Someone says something about something. I’m not sure. At no point does Chris Harrison explain what the point of this show is. We may never know. Perhaps the show will never end. I hope I’m 90 and still recapping ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. Fingers crossed.

People talk and there’s talking. Graham has aShlee. Michelle Money has Cody. Marcus loves Lacy and Lacy loves Marcus. Kristy and Tazos are totally crushing on each other. It’s crushy. Sarah has Robert but also likes Brooks. Jackie has Zach but also likes Brooks. Brooks paints Jackie’s nails. We watch is happen. You read about us watching it. It’s third-hand nail painting. How do you live with yourself?

That leaves Jesse without any prospects. He pulls Kristy aside to try and seduce her. He says, “Let’s have a good time.” That line would work on me. Kristy has a tattoo behind her ear. That must have been painful but at least for the rest of her life, she has a tattoo behind her ear. Jesse tells Kristy that he’s leaving in order to convince her to give him a rose. She’s pretty stupid, so it’s not that dumb of a move.

Kristy doesn’t fall for it. I scream out, “You go, Kristy!” Everyone hates Jesse. Jesse leaves. He promises to stay in touch with everyone. I hope he keeps his promise. This show is pointless.  

Jesse disrespects Kristy with his words. It’s disrespectful. We watch it. The girls get mad and agree to say mean words to him. The women are all going that thing where they point and shake their head when they talk, so you know it’s serious. Kristy tells Jesse… I don’t know. There’s talking. What do you want from me? It’s stupid. ABC plays deadly serious music as Kristy stumbles through her speech. It’s speechy. Kristy isn’t big with the word making. Lacy helps out by also yelling at Jesse. Now, it’s on. This all continues for 11 minutes. I hate every one of the 11 minutes.

The rose ceremony is next. The only drama is whether or not Jackie is going to choose Brooks or Zack. I watch while standing up because I can’t take the stress. Chris Harrison arrives again to extend his regards to everyone, hoping they find love. He fails again to tell us when this show will end, how it will end and what the point of this all is. I’m sure we’ll find out eventually.

Jackie chooses Zack. Poor Brooks. He had a good run. I’m going to bed. Be sure to check back next week for more of the worst thing on the internet.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Romantic Mexican Three-Ways

You know how, when Andy Dufresne is tunneling out of Shawshank Prison and he throws up in the tunnel, he has to keep tunneling? That about describes Night Two of back-to-back ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ episodes. I hate this show.

When we last left our lovers, holy cow! Super dramatic things had happened! Did you see them? No? Listen, you’re an idiot. You missed the best night of television ever.

Graham realized that AshLEE is a terrible crazy person and left in the middle of the rose ceremony with ASHlee’s rose offer held in the balance. Graham complains of fatigue and leaves. Cameras rush to his rescue, and by ‘rescue’ I mean ‘to film him’.

Graham gets checked out by the finest Bachelor medics available. They listen to him talk about losing his eyesight. Michelle Money gets Graham water. AshLEE doesn’t even help! Clare says, “I don’t trust ASHLEE at all. At all.” She says “at all” twice to make sure that we all completely understand how little she trusts AshLEE. She doesn’t. Clare doesn’t trust AsHLee at all. At all.

Lacy gets upset too. The woman with less real stuffing than plastic stuffing says “AsHLEE is just fake!” She’s not real at all. At all.

Anyway, Graham is recovered from his fatigue and he accepts asHleE’s rose. Lacy gets sick and leaves to throw up off camera. She runs a good 300 yards away to throw up. Marcus rushes to her rescue and demands that she go to the hospital BECAUSE SHE HAD TO THROW UP! Bachelor ambulances show up to take her boobs away to the hospital. It’s a tad overdramatic. I wonder what they’d do if she had a hangnail!

Chris Harrison rushes up to tell everyone they’re continuing without Marcus and Lacy. They’re super concerned about their two contestants, but they’re not going to pause their show production for four seconds. The Rose Ceremony rolls on.

Claradise has her Zach. Sarah picks Robert. Michelle has Cody. Jackie has a rose and has to choose between No Game Marquel and Jesse. She picks Jesse because she’d rather have cake than cookies. Marquel and Kalon are left without roses. Kalon leaves without incident. Marquel gives out hugs and stuff, because who doesn’t love Marquel? I mean, other than Jackie?

At the hospital, Marcus is worried because “Lacy has been losing a lot of water.” What the hell does that mean? Can you lose water? You can pee. I’m not sure you can lose water. Either are the Bachelor doctors. Lacy somehow survives.

Coming back from commercial, we see a pelican and a lizard. A blonde named Kristy arrives with a date card. Kristy is… attractive. The guys notice. The girls notice them notice. Zach is going to dump his Clare Bear at the drop of Kristy’s hat.

Sarah and her lack of confidence pull Kristy aside to run down the relationships. Kristy doesn’t care. She picks Zach to go out on a date. Zach has to think things over. He confides in Clare. Zach tells Clare that he is refusing Kristy’s date card. We’re all stunned. Admit it, guys. You were stunned.

Jesse agrees to go out on a date with Kristy. They go into town to buy stuff. Kristy is super fun and smart. She says, “We find tequila and other booze that’s known here.” She really knows the local culture. Jesse and Kristy drink and then go outside to sit down and drink more. They have a meaningful conversation about Mexican beach relationships.

Kristy talks about her douchebag boyfriends back home who cheated on her. ABC lets her say “douchebag” twice. One of her DB boyfriends left a bra in her room and she found it. They talk about it. It’s super interesting. I’m so intrigued, I forget about all of my problems. A dog walks up.

Next we get some really awkward television. Sarah and Robert go on a date. Sarah lacks confidence and Robert really doesn’t seem that into her. On a show where people jump into the ocean to cavort thirty seconds after knowing each other, Sarah and Robert have yet to kiss. Sarah tells the camera that she longs for smoochtown with Robert.

They eat on TV. We watch them eat. Next, they go swimming. Keep up! Why can you never keep up! You can’t keep up at all. At all.

In the pool, Sarah hopes again for kissing. He kisses her hand. It’s awkward. They talk. I wish I were dead. There are noises. I hope a tree falls on my house and hurts me. Finally, they kiss. There is kissing. The music is kissey. Everyone is happy. Admit it, guys. You’re totally happy.

Back at the bungalow, Cody bench presses Michelle Money. That’s not even a metaphor. He literally bench presser her. Then, he paints her toenails. Cody talks about how he’s falling in love with Michelle Money. He’s moving too fast. To change the subject, Michelle asks, “Can you believe how big your quads are?” That actually happened. How do you answer that question? Could you imagine being asked that? I mean, I can’t believe how big my quads are, but I don’t allow people to ask me about them.

Drunk Kristy and drunk Jesse return and act drunk. Jackie is mad. She says, “Ever since Kristy got here, Jesse has been acting differently.” So, Jesse is acting differently than he did the day before.

Clare and Zack sit on the beach and talk and I’m forced to listen. By the way, I’ve been spelling Zack’s name wrong this entire time but I’m not going back to fix it. I’ll start spelling it ‘Zack’ now.

Zack drops the bomb on Clare that he’s not into her. Clare takes it well and says, “Oh well” and goes about her business. Just kidding. She erupts in anger and gets Clarey. She’s the stabbiest. Clare storms off and says she’s going to bed. She has a weird interpretation of bed, because she’s in the bathroom crying.

Zack insists he wasn’t trying to dump her thirty seconds after dumping her. Clare runs off into the jungle while complaining loudly to herself. ABC provides subtitles. I can’t follow them. She says that she’s having a panic attack and is afraid that she looks even more like a fool. It’s hard to top the announcement that you carry around a DVD with a message from your dad, but she pulls it off nicely.

Clare returns to the bungalow and packs her stuff to leave. Michelle Money sees an opportunity to be on TV so she tries to talk Clare out of leaving. They talk and there’s talking.

Zack is super concerned about Clare because he goes directly to bed and falls asleep. Clare strolls up to his room to wake him up as ABC plays ‘Psycho’ music. She doesn’t kill him. Clare and Zack talk. There’s talking. It’s dramatic. Clare repeats the same stuff she yelled out to herself in the jungle with a raccoon.

Clare announces that she’s going home. Zack has a chance to be a good dude. He doesn’t rise up to that challenge. Zack tells Clare that he gave it everything he had, but he doesn’t tell her to stay. I can’t say I can blame him. Zack is a schlub, but I wouldn’t wish Clare on anyone at all. At all.

Clare cries and snots while she’s saying goodbye to the cameras. She’s doing a lot of talking. Zack isn’t saying a word. He’s a winner. You just know Zack is ecstatic on the inside knowing he got away without being killed. As her final goodbye, a tearful Clare says, “This is why I wanted to do Dancing with the Stars.”

There are now 6 women and 6 men, so everyone would get a rose. Lucy runs up to smut island. Lucy is the naked ‘free spirit’ girl from Juan Pablo’s season. Lucy is an instant party. She’s super annoying.

Lucy walks around naked because she’s a total free spirit. This woman clearly got no attention from her parents at all. At all. Naked Lucy asks Jesse out on a date. Lucy, Kristy and Jesse run into the ocean to add a little much-needed pollution. The ocean is all, “It’s about time!”

Jesse and Naked Lucy drive a jeep to Tenochtitlan, or something. My wife points out Lucy’s terrible posture. It’s true. She does have bad posture. They walk around ruins to further ruin my life. There’s a lot of talking. Stop reading these.

Michelle Money and Cody are totes falling in love. Wait, Cody is falling in love. Cody puts on his most chest-coverin’ shirt and they go to a nice hotel to take engagement photos. They smooch and pose. It’s smoochey and posey. Cody keeps talking about how bad he wants love. Michelle Money isn’t completely comfortable. How could a guy with arms that big be so desperate.

ABC tries to get Michelle Money to change into a wedding dress for pictures. She is freaking out. You guys were freaking out, too. Admit it! This is the worst thing that has ever happened to anyone. ABC plays super dramatic music. I scream out, “This music isn’t dramatic enough!” It isn’t.

Michelle is overwhelmed by the full-court press Cody is laying down. He’s Code-5 when he should be a Code-2.

Michelle Money does the stupid wedding dress thing. It’s all LOLey. You guys are totally LOLing. I did. My throat starting bleeding because I laughed really hard and I ran away to throw up and ambulances had to come and Marcus came with me to make sure I was okay. I was okay, but I lost a lot of water.

They pose for pictures as Michelle Money yells to on-lookers, “It’s not real!” She isn’t handling it well. It’s really not funny, you guys. I don’t know why you guys were laughing. This is serious. Michelle Money runs into the ocean with a shirtless Cody. He has big arms and a big back.

Back at the bungalow, aShlee gives Graham a date card. Graham is back to NOT realizing AshLEE is terrible and crazy. They go to a place to ride race cars. Mexico is huge, yo? There is a ton of stuff to do. AsHLEE wears a head band. I’m not a head band fan. I’m more of an eye black guy. Women don’t wear enough eye black at all. At all.

We watch the not-so-fast racing. The sports quota is sorta filled. I hate this show.

Back at the bungalow bon fire, Kristy is mad because she is not a part of a couple and no one is drinking. This girl is itching for fun. She needs some Lanacane. Or, some booze and a DB. I’m a Kristy fan, even though she’s kind of the female version of Kalon.

Marcus pulls Lacy aside to tell her he loves her. She’s super happy. They kiss. I feel happy. Everyone is happy. Lacy gushes about Marcus saying, “He treats me so well. He is an angle.” I didn’t spell that wrong. I’m pretty sure she said “angle”.

Naked Lucy and Jesse make out. Naked Lucy likes Jesse and thinks they are coupling up. Naked Lucy giggles to the camera and I can never tell if she’s drunk or not.

Jesse is obviously having feelings because he tells the camera, “I like… what’s her nuts?” He feeds everyone alcohol. Kristy is sad and wants to go home. She’s going home. Wait, she’s not. She goes to talk to Jesse. I can’t believe you read down this far.

Jesse convinced Kristy that he’s into her and only her. I have a feeling you could convince Kristy that a bird was a bee. She’s not quick with the thoughts. Jesse gets into bed with Kristy. They are joined by Lucy. It’s a Mexican three-way. The best kind. As we go to commercial, ABC shows Clare’s dad the sea turtle in the ocean, looking for his Clare bear. Clare’s dad doesn’t find Clare bear. Clare bear is gone. Clare bear went bye.

Final adjustments are made heading into the final moments. Michelle Money has Cody, but is unsure. Marcus loves Lacy. ashLee has Graham. Robert kissed Sarah twice. That leaves Jesse and Zack to choose Jackie, Lucy or Kristy.

Kristy seems mad at Jesse for his orgyness. Jesse looks to smooth things over with Kristy by saying, “You are… one of my favorites.” Kristy buys it. She agrees to couple up with Jesse. Lucy tries to convince him otherwise. Kristy and Lucy used to be good friends. They are no longer friends. Lucy starts a gossip lie thing to convince Jesse to dump Kristy. MORE LIES AND GOSSIP. Sarah tells us that Lucy is here for the wrong reasons. Sarah is so right! She’s not here for the right reasons at all! At all!

The Rose Ceremony is next. I still have no idea when this stupid show will end. Chris Harrison talks about how important his stupid Rose Ceremony is. I don’t see it at all. At all.

Robert gives his rose to Sarah. Graham gives his rose to ASHLeE. Cody roses Michelle Money. Marcus loves Lacy and tells her and we have to listen to it a bunch because he won’t stop talking about it and I wish this show would just end and now Cody is crying because what Marcus and Lacy have is so beautiful and I hate everything.

Zack gives his rose to Jackie. That leaves Jesse, Lucy and what’s her nuts. Jesse gives his rose to what’s her nuts. Lucy and her free spirited ways will have to go be naked on a different Mexican island. I’m sure the rest of Mexico will welcome Lucy with open arms. I’m not a big Lucy fan. I don’t love Lucy. I don’t love her at all. At all.

Four seconds after talking about how much she’d like to hump Jesse, Lucy calls him a jerk. It just goes to show you, if you dump a woman in Mexico and make her leave her Reality TV show paradisse/Claradise/Saradise, she will hold a grudge.

Next week, I don’t care what happens. I’m going to get black-out drunk.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Bachelor in Paraside Recap - Lies and Slander in Mexico

Showing two episodes of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ in one week is more than just lazy and stupid for ABC. It’s a crime. It’s a crime against things that are good and things that are not terrible. We get two episodes this week because… I don’t know. I don’t even know if we’re closer to the end. I don’t know what the end is. It’s just slutty people on an island hooking up. There’s no end game. What’s the end game? Death, probably. Here is what happened Monday night.

The preview says that there will be slander and gossip. Slander is when you make a spoken statement that damages someone’s reputation. Libel is hurting someone’s reputation through written word. So, I libe, they sland.

We begin with Michelle Money still crying over her prize of being allowed to stick around last week even though no one wanted to couple up with her. Michelle calls her chance to stay, “This beautiful amazing gift. This beautiful opportunity.” She’s called her 9 and a ½ year old son something similar. I’m sure he’s glad mom’s still in Mexico.

Robert gets the first date card. He gives it to Sarah. She’s super happy because she has no self esteem. So, they’ll date.

Meanwhile, Michelle Money is still crying her eyes out because, even though she is still on STD island, no one wanted her as a slurp-partner.  Graham goes into the bathroom to comfort her. It’s comforting. Michelle cries and says, “I left Salt Lake to explore options of romance.” If you’re scoring at home, those “options” of romance have been three different Reality TV shows involving a ton of alcohol, multiple partners and cameras that record your every movement. So, yeah, I can’t understand how she hasn’t found true love either.

Sarah and Robert’s date is next. For the moment, Sarah isn’t bawling her eyes out or whining about how lonely she is. This shouldn’t last. Michelle Money does Sarah’s hair while she talks about being bummed over not going out on a date with Sarah’s boyfriend. Keep up!

Michelle Money says that, “All of my fears have come to fruition.” Michelle Money’s fear is being dateless in a Mexican paradise. My fear involves being out on a hike in the woods and a bear claws open my wife’s neck and I don’t have cell phone service and, even if I did, we’re hours away from emergency responders. But, yeah, no date in Mexico is pretty terrifying too.

Sarah is happy about her date. She says, “This is definitely turning into Saradise.” I thought it was ‘Claradise’.  Sarah says that the ocean makes her feel vulnerable but Robert keeps her safe. Robert would totally beat back sharks for Sarah. I can tell.

Cody the super built surfer-type dude arrives on the island. Michelle Money is excited because she is without man. Cody offers his date card to Clare. DRAMA in Claradise!
Clare says that she can’t because she’s with Zach. Cody persuades her. It’s persuadey. Clare basically says that she’s going to ask her boyfriend if she can go on a date with another guy. Zach tells her to go ahead and go for Cody-bear. Clare gets mad at Zach because he allows her to do the thing she asked for. Clare is the worst. I’m sorry, she’s approaching Trista-levels of terribleness for my taste. What a dingbat. Now, my wife and I are arguing over who was wrong in this situation. My wife is totally on Team Clare. Clare is wrong! Even her dad knows it! This show is destroying my marriage.

Clare runs off to complain to others about Zach’s response. While she’s talking to Michelle Money, Michelle is clamping her eyelashes in some sort of medieval torture device.  Clare doesn’t want to put all of her eggs in one basket. I think she means ‘eggs’ eggs, you know? Someone needs to watch that dad DVD, toot sweet.

Cody and Clare discuss their potential date. Cody compliments Clare a bunch and Clare eats it up because she would whither and die without 24/7 compliments. She’s like one of those flashlights that you have to shake to use. No shakey, no lightey.

Even though she’s terrible, Clare turns down Cody’s date offer because she wants her ‘Zach’ fire to burn. Cody is disappointed, but hasn’t completely given up on Claradise. He says, “As long as I’m here, Cody is always going to try to get with Clare.”

Rather than take Michelle Money, the only available woman, on a date, Cody gives his date card to Marcus because they’re boys. It’s boysey. I think that city in Idaho was named after two guys who freely exchanged their date cards in Mexico. Clare is even more attracted to Cody because he gave up his date card. Admit it, guys. You’re totally more attracted to Cody now!

Marcus takes his girlfriend Lacy on a date so they can slurp it up. They’re a really cute couple if you’re into empty conversations, abs and fake boobage. Marcus and Lacy have their date on a bench surrounded by candles. It looks exactly like the bungalow they just left.

Lacy wants Marcus to tell her he loves her because she loves him. Marcus says that he sees a lot of her in a future that he can see with her. He really says this. Marcus says, “I love you for who you are.” They make out. It’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen.

It’s time for Zach to smooth things over. Zach pulls Clare aside to convince her that “100% of [his] eggs are in her basket.” Clare gets all huffy, but accepts his apology. Zach apologized for the fact that Clare asked if she could date another guy. It was nice of her to accept that apology. They make out.

ABC shows the moon. The moon controls the ocean, which hasn’t had any sex rompers romping in it for days! The poor ocean.

As Michelle Money continues to complain about her lack of man, Kalon walks up to their moonlight fire. Kalon was kicked off of Emily Maynard’s season for being terrible and complaining about the fact that Emily had a kid. Michelle Money hates Kalon and is not into him. Kalon pulls out his date card and offers it to Michelle Money. Despite all of the terrible things she just said, Michelle Money accepts Kalon’s date card because she’s terrible. Kalon tells the camera that he wants to motorboat the bleep out of Michelle Money’s bleep. You just know Bachelor in Paradise producers are cattle-prodding him to be extra awful. It works. He’s extra awful.

Michelle Money pulls Kalon aside and confronts him about the terrible things he said about Emily years ago. He doesn’t say much in his defense. Michelle Money backs out of her date. It’s super dramatic.

Kalon tries to ask out a couple of the other girls while they’re tanning. He refers to them as “sun lizards”. It’s poised. They turn him down. Sarah turns him down. Kalon can’t get a date. Instead of giving up his date card to a couple, he goes out on his date by himself. It’s a Kalon type of thing to do. I respect his decision. Kalon goes for a jeep ride and goes spelunking in a cave. We get to see him with his shirt off and climbing down a rope into a hole while using innuendo about Mexican holes. It’s innuendoey. I hate this show.

While Kalon talks to himself, Jesse arrives to the island. I don’t know anything about him. According to people who date several people at the same time on TV, Jesse is a “player”. Jesse takes out his date card and then takes off his shirt. He asks Jackie to go out on a date with him. She says ‘Yes’, dumping Marquel and his complete lack of game. Marquel tells the camera that he hopes his “connection” with Jackie will be strong enough to pull them through this. Keep up the good work, No Game!

Jackie and Jesse go in a cave. MEXICO IS JUST A BUNCH OF CAVES AND BUNGALOWS! Jesse and Jackie drink alcohol while bats scream above their head. While he is strategizing to the camera, Jesse is asked by Jackie if he’s strategizing. Seconds after strategizing, Jesse tells Jackie that he doesn’t strategize. Lies and Slander! As I’m falling asleep for the 8th time this episode, Jackie and Jesse get a private concert from some guy in their Mexican cave.

Back at the bungalow, the sex couples are all getting back massages from their sex partners. Michelle Money picks up the trash by having Cody massage her. It’s massagey. It’s super massagey. Michelle says, “I’m just wrapped up in Cody.” She was, you guys. Michelle just bought herself another week on TV.

When does this show end?

We’re back from commercial and Marquel is working out on the beach. Why the hell do you read this? Cody wants Clare, but Clare still wants Cody. ABC pretends like they have secret cameras zooming in on a private conversation between Zach and aSHLEY. AshLEE tells Zach to dump Clare because Clare had sex with Juan Pablo in the ocean and because Clare is nuts. I hate to agree with AsHlEE, but I agree with AshlEe. AsHLEe figures out that there’s a camera in the tree and that she shouldn’t have said terrible things about Claradise.
For the next ten minutes, it turns into whispers and slander. AshLee confesses what she’s done to others. Others tell Clare what was said. It’s whispery and slandery and gossipy. Clare gets super mad and stabby. I would assume that Clare is completely prone to stabfests. We could get a stabbing. ABC is playing ‘Get Ready for Stabbing’ music. ABC actually shows Clare walking into the kitchen to pick up knives because this show is stupid.

At night, there’s still drama. Still!

Michelle Money recaps to Sarah that AShlee said something to the effect of, “He needs to be careful about Clare’s reputation because she is known to have sex with guys in the ocean.” I’d go back and fix that sentence but I don’t have the strength.

Clare yells at Zach for not defending her. Zach basically tells her that he didn’t come to a Mexican sex island for drama. Boy, did he come to the wrong Mexican sex island! Clare vows to take care of the aSHlee situation by herself.

Before anyone gets stabbed, AsHlEe pulls Clare aside to clare the air. Get it? Clare stops her before she can apologize. She shakes her head like a chicken and says, “I feel super disrespected.” Who says ‘super’?

ASHLEE continues to apologize and grovels. Clare doesn’t back down from her stab-like behavior. The line has been drawn in the Mexican sex sand. ashlee offers a ‘hug-out’, but Clare declines. AsHLee cries to the camera. I vote for the government to give ABC a million dollar grant to conduct a study to find out which of these two girls is crazier.

When does this show end? What the hell is happening? I’m in hell!!!

The end of the night draws near. Marcus has Lacy, Graham has aShLeE, who could be dead soon. Marquel had Jackie, but Jackie now likes Jesse. Clare has Zach, but hates him. Sarah has Robert. Michelle might have Cody. Kalon has no one.

Cody tells Michelle Money that he really originally liked her more than Clare. Now, he’s all into Michelle and Michelle Money has cashed in on Cody. You’ve got to give her credit. She’s investing in Cody, whose stock is rising. You guys are jerks. They make out. It’s super emotional and special because they both get to stay on TV longer now.

Jesse pulls Jackie aside to grab her rose. No Game Marquel watches it happen and does nothing because he possesses no game.

Michelle Money pulls Graham aside to tell him how awful ashLeE is. Graham didn’t realize his girlfriend was terrible, so it’s dramatic. Just as Graham learns this shocking news, AsHLEE walks up and things gets all AwKwArD.

The rose ceremony is next. I can’t even take how dramatic this show is. My heart is banging up against my rib cage. I charge de-fib paddles, just in case. Chris Harrison tells everyone what’s up. Two guys will go home. We still have no idea what the purpose of this show is.

Lacey picks Marcus. Duh. Clare picks Zach. AshLeE picks Graham, and with a crescendo of super dramatic music, Graham just walks away. ASHLEE is all, “What?” Michelle Money walks away to talk to Graham. The music is more DRAMATIC THAN IT’S EVER BEEN. My heart hurts! What’s happening? What’s Graham going to do???!!! When will this show end???!!!! How can Mexico be crawling with drug lords and dirty cops, yet they somehow leave these horn balls alone??  Why do meteors never hit my house on Monday nights???!!!!! Why does AshLee capitalize the middle letter of her name???!!! Who reads these recaps???!!!!! Why didn’t I fill the sports quota????!!! Why can’t I find Clare’s dead dad DVD on Netflix????!!! What ever happened to Tracy Gold???!!!!!!!!

Tune in tomorrow night to do this again because I hate being happy.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Clare's Dad is a Sea Turtle

I’ll be honest with you guys. I didn’t watch this episode of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. I kind of just guessed at everything that happened. I’m assuming there was a bunch of drama, sex in the ocean and wrong-reasoned behavior. Y’all will have to let me know how close I came to the actual filth and buggery.

Let’s first catch you up on the relationship status of our favorite island romp-a-roomers.
Marcus and Lacey are passionately embroiled in an ab-grinding commitment. Michelle Money is with No Game Marquel for some reason. Big Angry Chris has Elise. Graham and AShlEe are a thing. The rest of the crew is still searching for a flesh buddy.
Half-Mexican Clare is playing the dangerous game of desperately clinging to any man who will pay her the slightest bit of attention. It’s fun! Right now, she’s attached to some guy named Zach.

Right off the bat, some girl named Danielle joins the show. This show is like a sand storm. It pounces on you! Danielle is from a season, or something. Who cares? Danielle really likes Marquel for some reason. She gives Marquel a date card. So, they’re dating. Keep up!

Michelle Money is more interested in Robert than Marquel, today. Robert is paired with Sarah. Because Michelle Money wants to be on TV as long as possible, she needs to pull Robert out of the Sarah’s 1 and ¾ arms.

The next date card comes. Elise gets to choose a guy to take on a plane. AShLee wishes she got the date card so she could have a fun night out with Graham. Everyone is mad at Ashlee because she wants to go on a date with her boyfriend. To be honest, those two really need a date together to combat the tedium and stress of sleeping around together in a tropical bungalow. It can be a real stress on any relationship.

Clare says, “If AsHLEe thinks that she’s the queen bee and her and Graham are some sort of Power Couple, that’s her own doing.” Most evil geniuses are destroyed by their own devices.

Elise is taking Big Angry Chris on a date. We get to see her brush her teeth and her hair before their date. She’s excited. Chris messes up his knee and requires attention from the finest ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ medical professionals. They put ice on it. It’s a crack staff. Chris might not go on his date. I start bawling uncontrollably because it’s a disaster.

Marquel and Danielle both have intact knees so they go on their ‘No Game’ date. Marquel moonwalks and gives Danielle a flower. It’s grown sexy. 99-out-of-100 men who moonwalk on a date end up not having sex. That statistic is from an MIT study. Marquel also asked why Danielle brought him on a date. It’s always a great idea to question why a woman likes you. Danielle tells Marquel that she has a crush on him. He says, “Crushes are good!” Marquel is super excited to have found someone as pathetic as he is. It’s adorable. That whole moon walking thing worked! They’re going to have the most Non-Game-Having kids in the history of mankind.

A storm interrupts their beautiful date. There’s lightning and it almost hits the pathetic couple. ABC cues the super dramatic ‘lightning music’. Bachelor interns make everything safe.

Back at the bungalow, ABC shows us a lizard. Elise gets her hair did by Michelle Money while talking about something. I don’t know. You’re not reading this. She talks. Who in the world would honestly care what she is saying. She could have been talking about me and I wouldn’t care. This is the worst show I’ve ever seen.

Big Angry Chris sucks it up and gets ready for his kneeless date. Elise isn’t happy about the knee injury thing but agrees to power through the adversity and have the best date ever. Big Angry Chris complains about his knee a lot. It’s complainy.

Coming back from the commercial, ABC shows footage of a hippo in the ocean. That really doesn’t make a ton of sense. Clare and Michelle Money set up a fun double date with Zach and Robert. That leaves Sarah high and dry. She’s been double-crossed. It’s double-crossy. Sarah is mad because she’s on an island beach dating show and can’t handle that another woman would want her gorgeous, abby boyfriend. I can’t even.

Elise and Big Angry Chris eat dinner outside. It’s a real treat for us because they’re wearing microphones and we get to hear their gripping conversation. They talk about how they’re attracted to each other. It’s super romantic. The soft piano music says it all. Elise tells Big Angry Chris that he’ll be blessed for being nice to her. I think she’s talking about dirty times. I’d like to assume she’s just being sweet and not slutty, but I can currently see 78% of her boobs.

Elise opens up a letter and reads an invitation from Chris Harrison for the couple to have sex with each other in a Fantasy Suite type room. They consider their options and then jump into a pool to make out for 4 solid minutes. It’s slurpy. They go into their Fantasy Suite and ABC leaves their microphones on so we can hear groaning. I can’t be certain that they didn’t splice in groaning from a different scene. It’s risk we as viewers have to take. You can’t be sure of where the groaning comes from.

Zach, Robert, Michelle Money and Clare get ready for their quad-date. Sarah mopes around because she’s devoid of confidence. This Sarah girl is super annoying. The quad-date enjoys a bon fire and alcohol. Michelle Money throws herself at Robert. She’s over Marquel and his lack of game.

Robert doesn’t completely hate Michelle Money. They’re coupling up. This is going to really destroy Sarah. She’s the only person without another person. Sarah spends 11 minutes crying to the camera about her tragic position on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.

Just when we have some order to the ways of the bungalow, a girl named Jackie arrives with a date card. Jackie is super gorgeous. All of the other super gorgeous women are jealous of her super gorgeousness. Because it’s night, we can’t really see Jackie so we’ll have to take everyone’s word for it. Jackie hands her date card to someone else to read because she’s illiterate.

Jackie chooses Marquel for her date and he just dumps Danielle like she’s a piece of Mexican poo. Michelle Money isn’t a fan of Marquel anymore. She says, “It’s clear that Marquel is open to every possibility… every possibility.” So, Marquel is open to the possibility that the moon is made of cheese.

Jackie and Marquel GET IN A PLANE! Marquel is super boring and we’re forced to watch him stumble through another awkward and pointless date. Jackie and Marquel fly to Mexico. THEY WERE JUST IN MEXICO! SAVE THE FUEL, ABC!

Back at the bungalow, Michelle Money tries to convince Graham to break up with AshLee. Graham is having second thoughts about AShlee. It’s the most dramatic thing that has ever happened.

AsHlEE finally gets a date card. I hate her voice more than I’ve hated most things, and I’ve hated things. AsHLEE asks Graham to go on a date and he agrees. Don’t you people have jobs? Why are you reading this? You could be volunteering or eating a bucket of chicken or learning magic. Go do anything else!

Marcus and Lacy swim. Keep up.

Danielle cries about getting tossed aside by moon-walking Marquel. She talks to AshLEE, which has to be terrible because that involves ASHlee talking.

Jackie and Marquel explore Mayan ruins. The Mayans used to sacrifice people to their Sun God. They’d march you up some temple steps and just lop your head off and let it roll down the temple stairs. This is the perfect place for a romantic 1-on-1 date for two young lovers. We watch more carnage as Marquel talks for a good two minutes about how he doesn’t kiss girls on the first date in an attempt to work up the courage to kiss Jackie. It’s awkward. I’d rather watch heads get cut off.

Big Angry Chris is in the hospital because he has torn knee ligaments. Elise gets him ice and then brags to the camera about how much a caretaker she is. I’m sure she walked really far to get the ice and didn’t just have it handed to her by Bachelor interns. As she cares for Big Angry Chris, Elise says that it’s great to be in a real-life situation with Chris. They’re in a tropical paradise with absolutely no concerns for money, food, alcohol or jobs. It’s super real life. Elise says that she’s going to spend the rest of her life with Big Angry Chris. I know I’m cynical, but there is no way that they don’t spend eternity together. It’s totally going to happen.

Clare sits on the beach with Zach and talks about her dead dad. It’s the anniversary of her dad dying. She cries about it. Clare’s dad died. She thanks Zach for not running away when she talked about her dead dad and thanks him for … I’m not sure. Clare is super thankful for Zach’s comfort. It’s comforty. A giant turtle walks up and lays his eggs and Clare says that it’s her dead dad. I’d like to tell you I’m making that up. Clare’s dead dad is a turtle who strolls up to the beach where his daughter is spooning with a hot guy so he can lay his ‘Clare’s Dad’ eggs.

aShLee has her date with Graham. There’s quite a troop of annoying people on this beach and AShlEe is their leader. She talks about how she follows Graham on Instagram. It’s creepy. Graham is on Instagram? Shouldn’t it be InstaGraham? Get it????? GET IT????? You guys are jerks.

The dinner date happens. We watch it. It’s as terrible as you think it might be. Graham tries to put the brakes on their relationship by saying they should take things slow. Ashlee doesn’t take the hint. They get a sex invitation from Chris Harrison because Chris Harrison is a big ole pimp. Instead of jumping straight to bed to have sex, we’re forced to watch 4 minutes of white people dancing. Then, they make out.

Graham refuses the sex invitation because he’s a gentleman. Or, he doesn’t really like AShLeE that much. This show is a lot like a Disney movie.

The Rose Ceremony is coming up soon. The guys are in charge of handing out pink slips, and roses. Two girls will be going home. It’s super tense. Sarah is still mopey about Robert. Michelle Money also wants Robert’s rose. I have no idea what is going to happen. I watch with my fingers in front of my eyes because I can’t take it. I simply cannot take it.

Robert has to choose. There is no way that ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ producers aren’t telling him to choose Michelle Money because she’s so much more interesting than Sarah. I’ll be shocked if they let him choose Sarah. Did you hear me? Shocked! (Foreshadowing)

Meanwhile, Danielle is trying to win back No Game Marquel from Jackie. She says that she likes Marquel and she enjoyed their date. No Game says, “Just to confirm, you had a good time?” That’s something a guy doesn’t say. When he’s done talking with Danielle, he says, “Good talk.” Again, who talks like this? Jackie also tries to woo Marquel. It’s wooey. Marquel is wearing a black tie over a short-sleeve Hawaiian shirt. It’s a new look that I hope no one else ever tries.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Graham hangs on to AShLee. Zach holds on to Clare, for some reason. Marcus is still latched with Lacy and her eye make-up. Marquel shocks the world by taking Jackie over Danielle. It’s shocking. Admit it, you guys. You were shocked. Poor Danielle. She didn’t even get to use the Mexican shower.

Robert’s rose is the grand finale. For the second time, the world is rocked to its core when Robert chooses Sarah! What the hell were the producers thinking?? At least Sarah will be less whiney for a couple of minutes. Michelle Money openly cries because she doesn’t find love again. I kind of really dislike Michelle Money, so I quickly get over it.

As an afterthought, Big Angry Chris calls Elise up to the front and makes a very public display of not giving Elise a rose. It’s dramatic times three!!!! Chris instead offers Elise an invitation to go home with him to rehab his knee. Elise says she prayed this would happen. Can you pray with 78% of your boobs showing on National TV? That works? I went to the wrong Catholic School.

Big Angry Chris gives his rose to Michelle Money because producers made him do it. Maybe he’s not so big and angry! Michelle Money cries and takes the rose so she can further abandon her 9 and a half-year old son to try and fall in love with vapid and self-obsessed men. I cry a little at home.

Big Angry Chris and Elise limp into their jeep and get driven off to the real world to explore true love. It’s a lot like Keri Strug’s 1996 broken leg Gold Medal performance. Sports quote filled. See, you guys? I didn’t think I’d find a sports quota in this mess, but I took off my shirt and prayed, and it happened! Boom! Up there, Lord!

A long time ago, my ancestors wronged the ancestors of the people of ABC. To get even, they’re giving us two episodes of ‘Bachelor in Paradise on Monday and Tuesday. There will be an ambulance. With any luck, I’ll be in it.

Monday, August 11, 2014

Bachelor in Paradise Recap - Contaminating Our Oceans with Sex

Where the hell have you guys been? So much has happened on ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ that I can barely keep up. There has been love, deceit, more love, making out, plastic boobs, some ‘like’, lies, hate, drama and then additional drama.

We’ve reached week 2 of the worst thing to ever happen, but I feel like I’ve been recapping this show my entire life. Do you know how, when you get your foot caught in a bear trap in the middle of a dense forest, it takes forever to chew it off? It’s like that.

If you’re new to the show, ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ is a forced dating show. A bunch of ab-ridden socialites gather in Mexico and must find a partner or suffer the shame of being sent home. Chris Harrison calls it “a second chance to find a soul mate.” I don’t think Chris Harrison knows what a soul mate is, unless a soul mate is actually someone you run into the ocean with to have sex and then leave them 15 minutes later for someone else.

Before the episode, Chris Harrison says “You are not going to believe what you see tonight.” I can’t believe that I won’t believe it. It’s unbelievable. Harrison tells us a touching love story.

Michelle, the really weird girl who left the show last week slept with some random crew member in a hotel. I guess when you film every second of a woman’s life, you can develop feelings for them. They snuck around and stuff happened. Stuff tends to happen in places. When confronted about the sneaky sex times, the crew guy jumped off of a balcony to get away. It’s a bold and stupid move.

ABC gives us a terribly acted re-enactment, complete with a dummy jumping off of a balcony. It’s the apex of terrible. Wait, apex is the top. Terrible can’t have a top. This is the zapex of terrible. The crew guy’s name is Ryan Putz. The freakin’ guy’s name is PUTZ. You can’t make this stuff up. Actually, you can. They probably did. I don’t know, nor do I care. This whole thing was 10 minutes of my life I’ll never get back, thrown onto the pile of thousands of minutes I’ll never get back.

We begin the real show with the arrival of Big Angry Chris the super intense guy. He seems like the kind of guy who would push someone off of a balcony. He’s perfect for ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. Chris comes with a date card, so he’s sure to get attention from the lady types who want to stick around. His date card says, “Choose someone to pamper in paradise”.

This week, the girls are in charge of handing out the roses, which gives them the power of who to keep and who to cast off STD Island.

Chris chose Clare and her dad for his date. They get a couple’s massage. It’s pampery. Clare’s dad watches a professional massage guy rub his daughter, and then Big Angry Chris rubs Clare. There’s a lot of Clare rubbing. Chris and Clare really hit it off. It’s super adorable. ABC plays soft music as they “frolic” in the ocean. The poor ocean.

Back at the bungalow, Robert is bummed that Lacy left him for Marcus. There’s drama there. Marcus gets the next date card and gives it to Lacy to further their connection. It’s furthery. Lacey says that she’s “beyond interested” in getting to know Marcus better. I have absolutely no idea what “beyond interested” is. Maybe it’s obsessed? I’m beyond obsessed with the cancellation of ‘Bachelors in Paradise’.

Elise and Dylan strengthen their connection. It’s strengtheny and connectiony. Elise says that she’s falling in love with Dylan even though they’ve only know each other for a week. Elise talks about how she’s a Pisces and that’s why she loves the ocean and stuff. Dylan is not into Elise and says that he wants to see other people. There are only, like, 8 other people, so that’s pretty specific. Dylan dumps Elise.

Lacey and Marcus go out on their date right in front of heart-broken Robert. Sarah with 1 and ¾ arms can’t believe how fast Lacey jumped to Marcus. She says, “It’s BEYOND crazy how fast Lacey jumped to Marcus.” If you’re keeping score at home, BEYOND crazy is watching ‘Bachelors in Paradise’-crazy.

Marcus and Lacey drink wine and talk about how he was dumped by Andi the Bachelorette so they would have a chance to find each other. The Lord works in mysterious ways, you guys.

Back at the bungalow, Big Angry Chris has cast aside Clare to flirt with Elise. Keep up. Clare doesn’t know about it. Elise is keeping flirty with Big Angry Chris to try and make Dylan jealous. THAT’S HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME, GIRL! (I think)

Big Angry Chris and Elise get into their little crotch hammock bikinis and jump into the ocean to pollute it more. The poor ocean. Clare sees the make-out session and is super mad. Who wouldn’t be? Answer me!

We come back from commercial with footage of Dylan doing sit-ups, for some reason. Michelle Money and Elise talk about stuff. They talk and there’s talking. I can’t really recap it because it happens so fast and so pointless. Basically, Elise thinks that what she has with Dylan is special. She calls this a turning point in their relationship, which is the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard.

Dylan told Elise to see other people. She saw Big Angry Chris in the ocean. Dylan is now mad. That’s like putting peanut butter on a dog’s tongue and telling it not to eat peanut butter. Elise is super upset. She apologizes for kissing Big Angry Chris. Dylan dumps Elise again, hurting his chances of sticking around.

Elise is upset and confused about getting dumped, but she’s still not giving up on Dylan. She says, “This is nothing. This is nothing. This is just a little bump. That means we have a connection.” Elise is super smart.

The cast talk about the Elise/Clare/Dylan/Big Angry Chris love triangle. It’s more like a love quadangle, or a love square. It could be a love rhombus. It could also be a love parallelogram. It’s a four-way love shape thingee.

Some guy named Zach shows up to their love island and everyone acts super excited because Zach is a cool guy, or something. Zach was on Desiree’s season. I don’t remember him. It’s Dez now, by the way.

Zach chooses Clare for his date. They walk through Mexico. Clare says that walking through Mexico helps her embrace her heritage because she’s half-Mexican. So, Clare is half-Mexican. Claro? Si.

They jump into the ocean as contractually obligated by ABC. They add some salt and some stink. Don’t anybody eat fish for a couple of months until this ‘Bachelors in Paradise’ contamination clears up. The poor ocean.

Back at the bungalow, Big Angry Chris makes fun of Dylan for having a 4% body fat. He calls him ‘Fat’ Damon. I guess he kind of almost looks like Matt Damon. Clever.

Dylan ‘Fat Damon’ gets a date card and gets to choose a woman to take out. He asks Sarah to go. Sarah is super nice and makes sure Dylan isn’t still hooking up with Elise, but she is totally into Dylan. Sarah plays hard-to-get and takes time to think about it. Sarah and Elise are super close friends. They’re like best friends. Best friends are way closer than normal friends, you guys.

Sarah asks Elise if it’s cool. Elise is shocked that the guy she blew off to make out with someone else in the ocean is standoffish toward her. She doesn’t understand why the guy who has dumped her twice would ask someone else out on a date. Elise doesn’t have a great concept of relationships. She cries but tells Sarah that it’s cool. It’s totally cool, you guys. Elise is totally cool, even though she cries a ton. Sarah, who is unable to interpret what her friend’s tears mean, goes out on a date with Dylan.

Elise mopes around her bungalow. It’s stormy outside and Elise makes reference to how she and Dylan are in the middle of a storm. You guys, she totally drew a parallel between her relationship with Dylan and the current weather conditions. Elise is a genius. Elise is quick to forget that she was recently dumped by Dylan. Why couldn’t I meet women like Elise in college?

Sarah and Dylan go out on a date. They eat on TV. It’s not real stormy where they eat. It must be a different part of Mexico. The crickets are loud in this part of Mexico. Dylan and Sarah eat dinner amongst crickets. They talk and there’s talking, and cricket chirping.

Dylan really likes Sarah. He says that she’s hilarious. She totally is. Sometimes, I can’t concentrate on work because I’m constantly thinking about all of the super funny things that Sarah is always saying. I can’t even really pick just one funny thing. Basically, everything she says is funny. Sarah is hilarious. You have no idea.

Back at the Bungalow, Michelle Money is starting to get sweet on Ben. Keep up! Ben wants to find love. Marcus and Marquel dig through Ben’s backpack and find a love note from Ben’s girlfriend back home. It’s super dramatic. I wish you could have heard how dramatic the music was. Picture a movie scene where a father is holding his two kids off the end of a cliff and only has enough strength to pull one of them to safety. He has to choose which child to save. This was that dramatic.

Marquel takes the love note to confront Ben. It’s confronty. Marquel might not have game, but he has this confronting thing down. Marcus joins Marquel in the confrontation. It’s double-confronty. The guys are mad at Ben for being here for the wrong reasons. Ben doesn’t deny it. Marquel and Marcus judge him for his wrong-reasonedness.

For the next 7 minutes, Marquel yells at Ben for having a girlfriend on a show where people have sex with other people in the ocean seconds after having sex with different people in the ocean.

Michelle Money digs deep into her emotional shallowness to yell at Ben. She cries about how she has been missing her 9-year old daughter for a show where Ben just walks around with the wrong reasons. Ben is ruining the integrity of the show by having a girlfriend. Michelle Money cries a lot and storms off. Michelle Money is the worst person who ever lived. Michelle Money is as close to a real person as my Fantasy Football team is to a real NFL team. Sports quota filled. Not that it matters during this highly emotional time.

At no point does anyone suggest to Michelle Money that she doesn’t have to miss her 9-year old daughter if she just went home, but that would mean that she didn’t get to be on TV. That’s not happening.

Clare questions the purpose of the show by saying, “Who is here for the right reasons? Is anyone here for love?” I don’t have an answer for Clare. No comprende, Clare.

Ben volunteers to leave the show because he was bad. He says, “I’m done with TV.” As they go to commercial, Michelle Money is bawling her eyes out. I’m just glad that her daughter gets a chance to see her grow and learn life lessons on TV. Michelle Money took a big chance by traveling to Mexico to make out with strange men. I hope it pays off for her.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Keep up! Big Angry Chris, Robert and Dylan are in danger of going home. Marcus has Lacey, Sarah has Dylan. Graham has AshLEe. Zach has Clare. Marquel and his lack of game have Michelle Money and her lack of a soul. Marquel is all set to cruise through the Rose Ceremony and then screws it up. He tells Michelle Money that she likes to drink. She takes offense while holding a giant glass of wine in her hands. Robert swoops in and woos Michelle Money. It’s wooey.

I hope, if you read down this far, it’s because you’re being punished for a serious crime or you’re doing so for school credit. You couldn’t possibly be reading this for entertainment. I’m almost hoping you’re in a clinic, recovering from laser eye correction surgery and someone is reading this recap out loud to you, but you’re kind of half out of it and you’re unable to get them to stop reading.

Sarah is uncomfortable giving Dylan a rose because Elise is her friend and Elise likes Dylan. To make Sarah feel better, Dylan dumps Elise again. HE DUMPS HER THREE TIMES IN ONE WEEK. That has to be a record. Elise, a master of intellect, says, “He’s sending mixed signals.” I can’t wait until Elise is the President of the United States of America.

Before roses are handed out, Chris Harrison says, “I think everyone here is sincerely looking for love.” I laugh so loud that my neighbors call the police.

In a stunning upset, Marquel gets a rose from Michelle Money. It’s shocking. I’m shocked. You guys were shocked too.

Just when we get over THAT shock, Elise tries to give a rose to Dylan. It’s shocking. Dylan refuses the rose. Elise still hasn’t figured out that she’s been dumped three times. She makes a long, rambling speech to the group that takes forever. ABC makes fun of her by playing circus music. It was terrible times. Big Angry Chris get seconds by accepting Elise’s rose after Dylan refuses it.

Sarah has the final rose of the night. She gives it Robert. So, Dylan goes home. Boom. You guys, three shocking things in the span of three minutes. I feel like I jumped off of a balcony, even though I didn’t, because that would be stupid.

Dylan doesn’t cry in his limo ride home because he’s still a 4% body fat-Matt Damon type and those kinds of guys have no trouble frolicking with girls in the oceans of the real world.

I hated tonight because I only got to type AsHleE once. This show is beyond terrible. Next week is supposed to be super dramatic, so there’s that. Also, I just realized the show is called ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ and not ‘Bachelors in Paradise’. Our lives will never be the same.