Thursday, June 30, 2011

Another 'I Love Terry Pegula' Blog

I’m the youngest of 7 kids. We didn’t get Burger King, we got home burgers. We didn’t get Coco Puffs or even Cheerios. We got Toasted Oats and generic bags of a cereal called Wheat Puffs.

Every once and a while, my Dad’s friend, Uncle Leo, would take us fishing. Going fishing with Uncle Leo always meant a trip to McDonald’s. I’m told we used to reach over the seat and grab his head and turn it towards a McDonald’s if we were driving past one.

That’s how it feels to be a Sabre fan today. It feels like I’m in the back seat of Uncle Leo’s car. Only, instead of Uncle Leo, it’s Uncle Terry; and we’re driving past Brad Richards and I’m grabbing Uncle Terry’s head and turning it in that direction.

I don’t even know if I want Brad Richards, but I’m so sick of Wheat Puffs that I’m gonna eat three bowls of Brad Richards before I go to bed.
Buffalo fans have grown tired of watching Dominik Hasek and Jason Peters go off to the places that pay. We’re sick of hearing terms like ‘fiscal responsibility’ and ‘cash to the cap’.

I think Buffalo Sports fans are so sick of eating the cheap cereal that they might not even mind my posting the 400th ‘We Love Terry Pegula’ article on this site. Obviously, the Sabres can make every right move and it still will not guarantee a Stanley Cup. The team could make a series of horrible moves over the course of the next few weeks and blow up a stable roster foundation but Sports is an escape and it’s supposed to be fun, not painful.

This is fun. And, like I did when I was a kid, I’m going to make sure I don’t finish my pop until I get home so I can show off my cup and gloat to my brothers that I got McDonald’s and they didn’t.

Side Note: I had a very happy childhood, despite endless boxes of Kix and my brother Donny folding me into a couch bed and jumping up and down on it.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Bachelorette Recap- Awesome in Hong Kong

If ABC made a dog the next Bachelorette and had twelve guys yelling, “Here boy!” while holding out Snausages for the Rose Ceremony, it would be the same thing as using Ashley H.

Ashley is stupid, insecure and desperate and I’m tired of watching her beg for reassurance. This, of course, made last night’s episode of the Bachelorette awesome.

I would say that watching this season has been Hell, but I doubt that Hell is this boring. It’s been a tough road for viewers. Most of my recaps have been made up. We finally received actual content last night.

Things began with a bang. After stupid footage of Ashley walking around Hong Kong in pants that in no way allowed blood to circulate, Chris Harrison walked over to Ashley’s hotel room to drop bombs.(Not the awesome part)

Chris, followed by camera men, knocks on her door. Ashley, after being told by producers that Chris would be arriving and then having make-up applied for an hour, answers the door and acts surprised to see him.

Harrison tells Ashley that Bentley has been flown to Hong Kong to give Ashley closure. She starts crying because she’s an idiot. Ashley composes herself and then walks down the hall to Bentley’s Hotel room.

She knocks on his door.
(Again, not the awesome part)

Bentley asks, “Who is it?” This show is awful.

If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. Bentley is a paid actor who comes on the show to act mean behind Ashley’s back and make my wife angry. He left the show to add drama after making this idiot girl fall in love with him. (Or pretend like she’s in love with him. I can’t figure out if she’s in on it yet.) Now Bentley has been flown halfway around the world for a 10 minute scene.

Bentley and Ashley have a heart-to-heart. She begs him to either come back on the show or dump her. Bentley, who enjoys being on T.V., drags it out as long as he can. It is pretty painful to see this woman pine for Bentley. He’s trying not to laugh the entire time, but does let her down easy and tells her there is no future for them as a 6-month Reality T.V. couple.
(Not the awesome part)

Ashley leaves and tells the camera that she’s over Bentley. She even swears. She says, “Bleep you Bentley!” ABC bleeped out one of the words there. I’m not certain what she was trying to say.

The normal portion of the show begins. There will be a pair of one-on-one dates and one group date in Hong Kong. The first date goes to Lucas, the guy from Texas who wasn’t annoying enough to get a nickname.

Ashley and Lucas walk around Hong Kong and shop while ABC plays sound of Ashley convincing America that she’s over Bentley. Then they get on a boat. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. There is no actual content. It’s just a bunch of people eating and talking.

Ashley and Lucas get on a boat to eat and talk.
(Not the awesome part)

She gives him a rose because he pays attention to her.

The next day, we get a pointless group date. 6 of the guys are brought to the beach where they are commanded to go out into town and recruit people for a Dragon Boat race. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. This is a dating show where, at the end, someone proposes marriage after dating a girl, who is dating 20 other guys, for a couple of weeks. ABC decided that a good way for them to get to know Ashley even better would be to spend zero time with her. It’s quite brilliant.

The guys run off to find people who either A. Speak English or B. Follow strange people to beaches to Dragon Boat Race. Surprisingly, many people in Hong Kong are in Dragon Boat leagues. It must be like slow-pitch Softball over there.

They put the two Josh Grobans on the same team to confuse the hell out of me. It’s not really that these guys look exactly alike, I just care so little that I refuse to try and differentiate. To further confuse me, the Grobans buy matching Kimonos. I did not make that part up. Look at the game tape.

This recruitment process is followed by 25 solid minutes of amateur Dragon Boat Racing.
(Not the awesome part)

Mickey and Bean Bag Face win. For their win, Mickey and Bean Bag face are rewarded with nothing.

Next comes the drinking. Ashley takes the group to a big hotel and makes out with a bunch of them. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. Stop reading these recaps. Nothing happens. This is an awful show and doesn’t deserve your attention. You would better spend your time changing out the water in your ice cube trays.

Ashley gives Ryan a rose and all of the guys get mad because they hate Ryan.
(Not the awesome part)

J.P. gets the one-on-one date the next day. Ashley no longer has Bentley, so she convinces herself that she’s falling in love with J.P.

She tells J.P. all about the Bentley situation, despite her fear that J.P. will get mad and leave. I should stop and clarify. Ashley spends 5 minutes beginning to tell J.P. all about Bentley, then ABC goes to commercial, then ABC plays the last 5 minutes all over again. I scream and pound on an end table.

J.P. takes the news of Bentley well, so he gets a rose. Then, Ashley and J.P. make out for a bit. He actually gets his entire mouth around her chin. And, because his microphone is right up next to her face, the audience gets to hear all of the slurping.
(Not the awesome part)

Here’s the awesome part. Ashley feels confident after her date with J.P., so she tells the rest of the guys that she had fallen in love with Bentley before he left and that she talked to Bentley last night in person for some closure.

The guys do not take it well. Many of them start swearing and Ashley starts crying. Lucas appears to be the angriest and gets a look on his face like he wants to hit her. The guys will surely feel even worse after watching the show back when they see that Ashley would have totally taken Bentley back if he had not dumped her a second time.

Bean Bag face and Ryan tell Ashley that everything is okay. Mickey, WHO SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT, tells Ashley that she’s an idiot and then leaves the show. He does so in a classy fashion. Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re next Bachelor.
(That’s the awesome part)

Mickey is awesome. He got sick of Ashley, so he left his paid vacation in Hong Kong to get away from her. And, there is no way he wasn’t getting a rose. The next part of my recap is for Mickey only.

Dear Mickey,

If you need anything from Buffalo, let me know; Bison Dip, Cheerios, WGR 550 T-shirts? Whatever you need, just drop me an email. We even ship Mighty Taco now.

The rest of the show is stupid because no one voluntarily leaves. Ashley cries a bunch. Chris Harrison is going to need a vacation and some fluids because he gets pulled on for another interview with Ashley. This guy is a workaholic.

I root heavily for Lucas to leave the show too. It looks like he's ready to the entire time. He's not smiling. He's doing that thing where you bite the inside of your mouth and pretend to smile while fiddling through your pockets for weapons.

Ashley sends Blake, the dentist home because he had the nerve to act angry at her for having Bentley flown to Hong Kong to waste his time.

The Rose Ceremony is temporarily interrupted when Chris Harrison collapses from exhaustion.

The preview of upcoming Bachelorette footage shows plenty of heartbreak for Ashley. I hope it’s painful. I also hope she walks on a deck in bare feet and gets a giant sliver and that ABC shows the 4 and a half minutes of her screaming while some poor intern has to pull it out with tweezers.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Bachelorette Recap- This Woman is Pathetic

Darth Vader and Johnny from the Karate Kid have a lot to learn about being the bad guy. Bentley from this season of the Bachelorette has surpassed all evil-doers. Lebron James’ 7th game press conference, where he basically told people that he didn’t mind if they hated him because he was rich and they weren’t, has nothing on Bentley’s diabolical Bachelorette blasts.

ABC assured us that we'd see Ashley reunite with Bentley this week. No one cares about the Rose Ceremony or the kick boxing footage. We just want to see Bentley be nice to Ashley's face and then be mean to her behind her back. I don't even care if there's an NFL season as long as I get to see how angry my wife gets when Bentley tells the camera that he thinks Ashley is ugly. I cannot wait for more of this.

When we last left Ashley H. she was completely void of self-worth and desperately trying to get 11 men to tell her that she wasn’t ugly. We’ve been teased all week long over the fact that Bentley was coming back to break Ashley’s heart some more. She brings her boyfriends to Chiang Mai in Thailand to kickbox and run into her fake ex-boyfriend, Bentley.

Beanbag thinks that Chiang Mai is the most romantic place on earth. He’s never been to South Buffalo after 3 a.m.

The production crew gets in place early to film shots of Ashley walking through the streets, deep in thought. Ashley thinks that Chiang Mai is the perfect place to fall in love, despite the fact that there are zero mechanical bulls.

There will be three dates this week; a one-on-one date, a group date and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where one man is immediately asked to go home while Ashley and the other guy finish their dinner.

One of the Josh Grobans gets his first one-on-one date. He and Ashley walk through Chiang Mai. I’d like to take a moment and point out how there have been zero helicopter rides so far this season. Nowhere has the bad economy hit harder than Reality Television. These sluts used to ride Helicopters everywhere. Now, they’re riding coach to Vegas and taking Mopeds through 3rd world countries. To be fair, most of the budget was spent on paying actors to pretend that they're contestants.

Ashley and Josh Groban paint umbrellas. I’ll let that sink in. She asks him if he thinks she’s pretty and then cuts herself. Then, they visit an old temple where people aren’t allowed to kiss. She gives him fifty dollars to kiss her. It’s quite romantic and pointless.

During the commercial break, Mike Rowe tries to sell me things while never taking off his baseball hat. He’s like Ken Griffey Jr. I’ve never seen him without one.

When we return to the action, Ashley and Josh Groban eat food in a candlelit garden. It would have been a slow scene, but they fill the time by talking about the pointless date we just watched. Groban talks about how his dead Father turned him into a man. Ashley interrupts him to ask if it’s time to kiss.

Josh Groban gets a rose. There are still over 90 minutes to go in the show. We've got a long way to go before the Bentley footage.

The next day, Ashley takes 8 guys on a group date. Because there hasn’t been enough grappling hook adventures this season, ABC Producers make the 8 men kick box each other. We finally get a chance to see some of the guys take off their shirts. Most of the contestants get into it, but Bean Bag Face doesn’t like fighting. He gets stuck with the pink fighting gear and the audience is immediately made aware of the fact that Bean Bag will soon go to the hospital based on the barrage of promos we’ve seen over the past week.

Ashley talks about how nervous she is to see her boyfriend’s punching and kicking each other. It’s nice foreshadowing for the ambulance scene. We only have to sit through 20 minutes or so before Bean Bag get broken. He fights Ryan, the guy everyone hates, and gets his bell rung. He got a nice concussion and sits there with the same look I had on my face when Brett Hull held a Cup up at Center Ice of the H.S.B.C. Arena. (That’s 2 sports references. You’re welcome.) The injury totally was not worthy of the dramatic teaser footage. I was expecting a bear attack with missing limbs.

Ashley is very concerned over Bean Bag face, and the fact that no one has told her that she’s not ugly in the last 15 minutes. The group gets showered and has a cocktail party. Bean Bag Face shows up late to add some drama. He can’t talk right because his brain is still bruised from being punched. I can’t wait for future Bachelorette contestants to donate their brains to science to prove how costly a career in Reality TV can be to one’s brain. (Seriously, three Sports References. I’m this close to Andy making this one of the main stories on the site.)

Lucas mentions that he Golfs and Ashley shoves her butt into his crotch and begs him to show her how to Golf. Lucas seems uncomfortable, but doesn’t want her to cry, so he begrudgingly spoons her for a couple of seconds.

There is so much talking this episode. It’s painful. Can’t they find out how someone’s loved one died and go do the exact thing that loved one died doing like last season? Can you tell I was a guest bartender Monday night and wrote this recap after many Irish Car bombs? Is anyone else excited that the ‘tags’ section of this recap may contain the phrase ‘Irish Car bomb’? These questions aren’t rhetorical, by the way.

The next day, Jowls and Nice Guy head off for their 2-on-1 date. Neither man is looking forward to it. It’s not stressful enough to make out with a mildly attractive girl in front of millions of people. Adding the threat of being dumped during dinner makes it that much more of a pressure cooker.

Ashley takes the men for a ride on some elephants. I think Ashley rode Elephants with Brad Womack. Again, this show is dirt poor and out of ideas.

Nice Guy takes advantage of some alone time with Ashley by throwing Jowls under the bus. He says that Jowls is looking forward to getting kicked off of the show so he can parlay his Network TV appearance into playing the field back home. Ashley handles the news well by cutting herself.

The trick works as Ashley sends Jowls home. Nice Guy will no longer be referred to as ‘Nice Guy’ from this point on. He’s William. I hope you’re able to keep up at home. Jowls is wearing Moccasins with no socks. My feet would smell like stomach bile filtered through a used diaper if I did that.

Ashley and William eat dinner while he blows his chances by telling her he’s not grown up yet. Ashley makes it a double-kill 2-on-1 by sending William home too. It’s the most dramatic 2-on-1 date ever. It’ll be nice for Jowls to watch that moment back at home. William cries in the limo.

The cocktail party before the Rose Ceremony is super dramatic. Ashley starts things off by asking all of the guys who think that she’s ugly to admit it and leave. This woman could be the centerpiece of several medical novels about insecurity. Ashley talks to the other Josh Groban and it is beyond confusing because he looks just like Josh Groban. (The Bachelorette Josh Groban, not the real Josh Groban. Although, both of them look like Josh Groban. I’ve continued to drink at home.)

All of the dates are over and there’s still 20 minutes of show left. It must be time for Bentley to re-punch the clock and return to torment Ashley. Chris Harrison interviews Ashley during which time she tells him that she needs to see Bentley. Chris cuts her a deal, saying that, if she kicks a couple more guys off, he’ll fly Bentley into Chiang Mai. I can't wait to watch Ashley fake cry.

The Rose Ceremony goes quickly. Soul Patch is sent home. All he really did this season was a bunch of push-ups. The Rose Ceremony is over. Finally, the unspeakable footage that we've waiting all week for is to be revealed. I hit the info button and learn that there are only 3 minutes of show left.

Those lying blankety-blanks screwed us over. The Bently reunion won't be until next week. I hate this show so much. I feel like I'm the one who suffered the mild concussion. I stayed up until 3 to write this. If I ever get the chance to kick box a Bachelorette Producer, he or she is cruising for more than a mild concussion. I'm gonna kick my foot through their armpit.

Stay in School.