Bachelorette Recap- Awesome in Hong Kong

If ABC made a dog the next Bachelorette and had twelve guys yelling, “Here boy!” while holding out Snausages for the Rose Ceremony, it would be the same thing as using Ashley H.

Ashley is stupid, insecure and desperate and I’m tired of watching her beg for reassurance. This, of course, made last night’s episode of the Bachelorette awesome.

I would say that watching this season has been Hell, but I doubt that Hell is this boring. It’s been a tough road for viewers. Most of my recaps have been made up. We finally received actual content last night.

Things began with a bang. After stupid footage of Ashley walking around Hong Kong in pants that in no way allowed blood to circulate, Chris Harrison walked over to Ashley’s hotel room to drop bombs.(Not the awesome part)

Chris, followed by camera men, knocks on her door. Ashley, after being told by producers that Chris would be arriving and then having make-up applied for an hour, answers the door and acts surprised to see him.

Harrison tells Ashley that Bentley has been flown to Hong Kong to give Ashley closure. She starts crying because she’s an idiot. Ashley composes herself and then walks down the hall to Bentley’s Hotel room.

She knocks on his door.
(Again, not the awesome part)

Bentley asks, “Who is it?” This show is awful.

If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. Bentley is a paid actor who comes on the show to act mean behind Ashley’s back and make my wife angry. He left the show to add drama after making this idiot girl fall in love with him. (Or pretend like she’s in love with him. I can’t figure out if she’s in on it yet.) Now Bentley has been flown halfway around the world for a 10 minute scene.

Bentley and Ashley have a heart-to-heart. She begs him to either come back on the show or dump her. Bentley, who enjoys being on T.V., drags it out as long as he can. It is pretty painful to see this woman pine for Bentley. He’s trying not to laugh the entire time, but does let her down easy and tells her there is no future for them as a 6-month Reality T.V. couple.
(Not the awesome part)

Ashley leaves and tells the camera that she’s over Bentley. She even swears. She says, “Bleep you Bentley!” ABC bleeped out one of the words there. I’m not certain what she was trying to say.

The normal portion of the show begins. There will be a pair of one-on-one dates and one group date in Hong Kong. The first date goes to Lucas, the guy from Texas who wasn’t annoying enough to get a nickname.

Ashley and Lucas walk around Hong Kong and shop while ABC plays sound of Ashley convincing America that she’s over Bentley. Then they get on a boat. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. There is no actual content. It’s just a bunch of people eating and talking.

Ashley and Lucas get on a boat to eat and talk.
(Not the awesome part)

She gives him a rose because he pays attention to her.

The next day, we get a pointless group date. 6 of the guys are brought to the beach where they are commanded to go out into town and recruit people for a Dragon Boat race. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. This is a dating show where, at the end, someone proposes marriage after dating a girl, who is dating 20 other guys, for a couple of weeks. ABC decided that a good way for them to get to know Ashley even better would be to spend zero time with her. It’s quite brilliant.

The guys run off to find people who either A. Speak English or B. Follow strange people to beaches to Dragon Boat Race. Surprisingly, many people in Hong Kong are in Dragon Boat leagues. It must be like slow-pitch Softball over there.

They put the two Josh Grobans on the same team to confuse the hell out of me. It’s not really that these guys look exactly alike, I just care so little that I refuse to try and differentiate. To further confuse me, the Grobans buy matching Kimonos. I did not make that part up. Look at the game tape.

This recruitment process is followed by 25 solid minutes of amateur Dragon Boat Racing.
(Not the awesome part)

Mickey and Bean Bag Face win. For their win, Mickey and Bean Bag face are rewarded with nothing.

Next comes the drinking. Ashley takes the group to a big hotel and makes out with a bunch of them. If this is your first time reading these recaps, I’ll catch you up quickly. Stop reading these recaps. Nothing happens. This is an awful show and doesn’t deserve your attention. You would better spend your time changing out the water in your ice cube trays.

Ashley gives Ryan a rose and all of the guys get mad because they hate Ryan.
(Not the awesome part)

J.P. gets the one-on-one date the next day. Ashley no longer has Bentley, so she convinces herself that she’s falling in love with J.P.

She tells J.P. all about the Bentley situation, despite her fear that J.P. will get mad and leave. I should stop and clarify. Ashley spends 5 minutes beginning to tell J.P. all about Bentley, then ABC goes to commercial, then ABC plays the last 5 minutes all over again. I scream and pound on an end table.

J.P. takes the news of Bentley well, so he gets a rose. Then, Ashley and J.P. make out for a bit. He actually gets his entire mouth around her chin. And, because his microphone is right up next to her face, the audience gets to hear all of the slurping.
(Not the awesome part)

Here’s the awesome part. Ashley feels confident after her date with J.P., so she tells the rest of the guys that she had fallen in love with Bentley before he left and that she talked to Bentley last night in person for some closure.

The guys do not take it well. Many of them start swearing and Ashley starts crying. Lucas appears to be the angriest and gets a look on his face like he wants to hit her. The guys will surely feel even worse after watching the show back when they see that Ashley would have totally taken Bentley back if he had not dumped her a second time.

Bean Bag face and Ryan tell Ashley that everything is okay. Mickey, WHO SHOULD RUN FOR PRESIDENT, tells Ashley that she’s an idiot and then leaves the show. He does so in a classy fashion. Ladies and Gentlemen, you’re next Bachelor.
(That’s the awesome part)

Mickey is awesome. He got sick of Ashley, so he left his paid vacation in Hong Kong to get away from her. And, there is no way he wasn’t getting a rose. The next part of my recap is for Mickey only.

Dear Mickey,

If you need anything from Buffalo, let me know; Bison Dip, Cheerios, WGR 550 T-shirts? Whatever you need, just drop me an email. We even ship Mighty Taco now.

The rest of the show is stupid because no one voluntarily leaves. Ashley cries a bunch. Chris Harrison is going to need a vacation and some fluids because he gets pulled on for another interview with Ashley. This guy is a workaholic.

I root heavily for Lucas to leave the show too. It looks like he's ready to the entire time. He's not smiling. He's doing that thing where you bite the inside of your mouth and pretend to smile while fiddling through your pockets for weapons.

Ashley sends Blake, the dentist home because he had the nerve to act angry at her for having Bentley flown to Hong Kong to waste his time.

The Rose Ceremony is temporarily interrupted when Chris Harrison collapses from exhaustion.

The preview of upcoming Bachelorette footage shows plenty of heartbreak for Ashley. I hope it’s painful. I also hope she walks on a deck in bare feet and gets a giant sliver and that ABC shows the 4 and a half minutes of her screaming while some poor intern has to pull it out with tweezers.