Sunday, July 22, 2012
When I was 12, I went to the movies with my Dad to see Kevin Costner’s epic ‘Dances with Wolves’. I got an Olympic swimming pool-sized Mountain Dew. By the time Lieutenant Dunbar was speaking Sioux, I had to pee like there were greyhounds in my bladder. It was the most uncomfortable 3 hours of my life. Until Sunday night’s Bachelorette finale.
Emily Maynard ruined the better part of my summer and her ‘kill’ move was a pointless 3-hour finale. She jumped off of the top turn buckle and slammed her elbow into my face with crying and talking and dumping and making out.
Two Game show contestants remained heading into Sunday’s re-hash-a-thon, Arie and Jef with 1 ‘f’. Arie is a race car driver. Jef with 1 ‘f’ is a skateboard rider or something. He might be a grain merchant. I tend not to read a lot.
It’s the end of the end, folks. It’s the most dramatic Bachelorette finale ever!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!
We start with a live studio audience cheering on Chris Harrison as he tells us the stakes of this dramatic finale. Harrison also asks America to make sure more people don’t shoot people. That happened. I’m not trying to be insensitive to tragic events but, it was a forced and awkward recognition. It wasn’t very sincere. I don’t know why it had to happen during the Bachelorette finale, right before a woman dumps one of her two boyfriends.
Emily has brought her family to Curacao to meet her potential sex partners. Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets the first chance to make an impression. He’s wearing the cleanest white T-shirt I’ve ever seen. It looks like it should be making crinkly sounds. I don’t own anything that clean and white. I would have chili and Kool Aid stains on that white T-shirt in 4 seconds.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ makes a good first impression. Emily’s family loves him. It must be the T-shirt. It has a little pocket. Emily’s brother has hair like a Ken doll… and that’s not a compliment. He kind of sounds like Aaron Schobel when he talks (sports quota filled).
Emily’s Mom likes Jef with 1 ‘f’ and, as she talks about how Jef makes Emily happy, they cut to a shot of Emily laughing. It’s ABC making sure you know that Jef with 1 ‘f’ makes Emily happy.
Emily’s brother and his hair helmet grill Jef with 1 ‘f’ and his hair typhoon. Jef with 1 ‘f’ talks about his love and connection and the ABC piano guy almost breaks his fingers with the softest, fiercest piano music I’ve ever heard. I want to build a time machine and erase all of my sins.
Emily’s hair-helmeted brother, who has known Jef with 1 ‘f’ for 4 seconds, says that he truly believes in his heart that Jef is sincere. What a good brother. He’s so protective.
Emily’s Dad tells Jef with 1 ‘f’ that he has permission to marry his daughter.
The next day, Emily’s family has to meet Arie. It’s dramatic. Emily plays up her boyfriend by saying, “Arie is so easy to love”. I must not have been trying hard.
Arie kept all of the roses and brings them out as a gift. If he loses, he could probably sell those on Ebay. I know there are some girls in Atlanta who might be crazy enough to dig deep for that kind of memorabilia. Arie tries to talk about fishing because Emily’s family likes fishing. It’s going well. I’m bored out of my mind.
The family likes Arie. Emily’s brother is confused after meeting Arie. He says, “After meeting Arie, I’m confused”. ABC accidentally leaves their live audience volume knob up and you hear them laugh at Emily’s brother’s statement… or his hair.
The audience sound is potted up again when Arie asked Emily’s Dad for permission to marry. This is strange. I feel like they’re laughing at me for recapping the Bachelor. I ABC would turn it off.
Emily’s Dad gives Arie permission to marry his daughter… and, at this point, why not? This man has given so many Reality TV stars permission to marry his daughter that I doubt he can even keep track.
Emily struggles with her family over who they like better. The ABC piano player does a line of coke and delves into some serious ‘Emily isn’t sure who she loves’ music. Emily has 40 pounds of brass of gold in her ears. Her earrings could be gladiator shields.
We go to commercial with Emily crying… and then ABC teases more crying. It’s like they’re saying, “Hope you like crying!”
We come back from commercial so Chris Harrison can ask the live studio audience, by applause, who they think should win the Game show. They vote for Jef with 1 ‘f’. It’s like how Eminen won the first two rounds of his thrilling battle rap sequence in the movie 8-mile, only with a little less fear of people being stabbed.
Emily loves both of her boyfriends, but she’s afraid of making the wrong decision. She says that she wants what’s best for her daughter, Ricki. I’m guessing what would be best for Ricki would be to not choose her father on National television. I’m guessing Ricki would benefit from not having her father chosen from a pool of 25 men who are all being dated at once. I would surely think that it would be best for Ricki to not have camera men in her bedroom filming her fall asleep after her mother closes the door and turns out the light… but, what do I know? I’m not an expert on what is best for Ricki.
Emily didn’t want to introduce the daughter she ruined to either of her boyfriends but, she changed her mind and brought Jef with 1 ‘f’ to meet her. It’s the first time I’ve thought that I may be wrong about the whole ‘Arie winning’ thing.
The exploitation goes well. Ricki swims and falls in love with Jef with 1 ‘f’ and he falls in love with her and it’s magical and the piano player takes a break so the guy with the lute can jam out some ‘Ricki loves Jef with 1 ‘f’’ tunes.
Emily is very happy about Jef’s interaction with Ricki and says “He has totally exceeded my expectations”. I guess that means that Emily thought that Jef with 1 ‘f’ would treat his daughter like garbage.
There’s a ton of uncomfortable alone time where a potential future husband meets his potential future daughter and it’s not unnatural at all that it’s happening in front of us on television and I don’t think that Ricki will need a lot of therapy of prescription medication at all.
Emily and Jef with 1 ‘f’ recap their entire season with annoying cute whisper talk. Chris Harrison is hanging out in the background thinking, “Um, I do that! That’s my job!”
Emily and Jef with 1 ‘f’ make out and he gives her a gift. I think I called this wrong. It’s looking like Jef with 1 ‘f’ wins it. There’s still plenty of show left but, these two look like they have a beautiful 6-month relationship in front of them.
The gift is a book of pictures and memories. They aren’t real pictures. Jef with 1 ‘f’ took pictures of random places and drew stick figures to signify where he and Emily had fun. If this wasn’t a Reality TV show, a swat team would have descended from grappling hooks and tazed Jef to death. It’s creepy.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ says goodbye. He says, “That’s the hardest goodbye I’ve ever said…. Ever”. That’s 2 ‘evers’ people. It’s serious. Jef with 1 ‘f’ is serious. To prove how serious, ABC captures Jef watching Emily leave from atop a staircase with fresh tropic rain washing over his shoulders and Gumby-like hair.
Arie’s next date is up next and, if Jef with 1 ‘f’s date is any indication, Arie is in for some cold shouldering.
Before the date, Chris Harrison polls the live studio audience of 399 women and 1 guy. The creepy ladies of the audience are clearly pro-Jef and say stalkery things about him. (‘Stalkery’ is a word, computer!)
Chris Harrison throws it back to the taped footage, which consists of Chris Harrison interviewing Emily. He’s become a head nodder and a life coach.
Emily gushes on about her caring for more than 1 guy. It should be a surprise that she likes more than 1 guy, considering how she only dated 25 of them. That would sneak up on anyone.
The bomb is dropped that Emily does only love Jef with 1 ‘f’ and doesn’t want to confront Arie about not loving him as much as Jef with 1 ‘f’. She’s all snot-filled and crying. Basically, Emily needs to dump Arie, but would probably prefer to do it by text.
I hope she does it by text.
ABC doesn’t allow her to do it by text. Emily gets together with Arie to dump him. Chris Harrison tells her to be honest. Emily cries some more. There’s crying. There’s a ton of crying.
So, this is where we stand. We know the ending of this stupid show and there is still 40 minutes left. Actually, there is 40 minutes and then an hour of bullshit after that. I’m so mad.
Arie arrives for his date, not knowing that he’s about to be dumped, he picks flowers for Emily and gushes to the camera about proposing to Emily and meeting Ricki. Soft piano guy plays on like nothing is wrong.
Emily shows up and cries. Arie, still not aware that he’s being dumped tells Emily that he made her a love potion and has to rub it on her (true). Emily starts bawling. Arie knows what is up. Soft piano guy gets some string accompaniment. Things are getting dramatic. Arie is being dumped. He gets a little mad. Arie does contain himself. He doesn’t hurt his chances of being a future Bachelor.
The dumping happens and we are forced to watch 14 minutes of Emily crying and Arie thinking. They just sit in silence. The calcium in my stomach turns to a stone that I will be forced to pee out. The Bachelorette just keeps on giving.
Arie thanks Emily for dumping him a day early. When they hug goodbye, their chests touch and you can hear a very fast heartbeat. It was probably dubbed in by Bachelor Producers and, if so … Bravo!
Arie pours his heart out in the limo. He acts like a guy who was just dumped by a girl who dated 25 guys in the span of 8 weeks.
As Arie drives out of Emily’s life, cameras capture her staring into a pond with a ‘I just dumped a race car driver’ look on her face. ABC cuts to a shot of a stunned live studio audience.
We still have so much show left. I’m so angry. Chris Harrison says, “Emily just shocked America” which isn’t true. Then, Chris Harrison ruins my life by bringing back Ashley H. from last season’s Bachelorette. If you’re new to my recaps, I hate Ashley H. like you hate having poo rubbed into your eyes.
Ashley H. and her fiancé J.P. talk about being in Arie’s shoes and it’s annoying. Another former Bachelorette, Deanna, is interviewed to remind me how much I hated her. Then, a breakdance guy is interviewed. Chris Harrison starts the interview by saying, “You are much beloved…” I laugh so hard, I wake up people in Wyoming.
Then, more people are interviewed and this show sucks. It’s a whole segment of interviews with plastic, herpes-ridden people who make their living off of making out on National television with other collagen-filled people.
When we come back from commercial, Emily stands on a beach in Curacao and blabs on about how great of a father Jef with 1 ‘f’ will make… even though his own parents hated the idea of this union so much that they refused to be shown (I think).
Jef with 1 ‘f’ visits with the blood-sucking diamond guy so he can make his yearly appearance. I’d love to drive down a road and witness the blood-sucking diamond guy trapped under a car with a handful of diamonds that do not help. I’m a bit anti-diamond. It’s a rock. Beer bottles are shiny too if you hold them in the right light.
Chris Harrison walks Jef with 1 ‘f’ up to meet Emily. The music could be used to usher a wrestler to a stage. Jef with 1 ‘f’ marches up to propose to Emily.
We’re interrupted for a commercial break, complete with Bachelor Pad promo (I’m not watching. I need time off)
It’s windy in Curacao. Jef with 1 ‘f’ fights through it to propose to Emily. This is taking forever. Emily gives a speech. She admits to dumping Arie the day before. Jef with 1 ‘f’ talks a bunch about love and trust and paths and I start to lose sensation in my legs and arms. This is taking more forever.
Single ‘f’ Jef finally proposes. ABC leaves the live studio sound up to get some applause. It’s so pathetic knowing they aren’t going to remember each other’s single ‘f’ names in a year.
ABC plays a Jef/Emily montage set to the theme from Karate Kid II. It’s complete with footage of their dating while she was also dating 24 other guys. And, yes, when Peter Cetera sings “Like a knight in shining armor”, they show Jef with 1 ‘f’ shooting a bow and arrow. I throw up in my mouth.
Jef with 1 ‘f’, Emily and Emily’s exploited daughter Ricki march off into the sunset together. It’s uber creepy.
Chris Harrison jumps in for the postgame show, ‘After the Final Rose’. It’s the first live ‘After the Final Rose’ ever. Chris Harrison says they’re doing it live to make sure we have the most up-to-date info on the happy couple. It’s another way of saying, “Let’s see if they’re still together!”
Emily answers questions about finally being in love for the first time since the last time she sought out love on National television. That last time went well.
Always the dramatic killjoy, Chris Harrison brings out Arie for a dramatic talk with Emily and it’s dramatic. Arie smoothly handles the constant mention of his dumping as the women in the audience swoon. He and Emily look like they’ll remain friends, which will come in handy in a couple of months when she’s done with her other boyfriend.
Arie says that he brought his diary with him to the postgame show. He left it with Emily so she could read about how much he loved her. Emily didn’t read it. I say a little prayer that they don’t pull it out and start reading it aloud. They do not.
Arie once again thanks Emily for dumping him.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ comes out next so the audience can cheer their temporary love. They talk about how it doesn’t feel like they met on a Reality TV show, even though Jef’s girlfriend also dated a ton of other guys and made out with a lot of them and was pressed against Croatian buildings by some of them while straddling these other boyfriend’s loins. It wasn’t like a television show at all.
ABC shows pictures of how good a guy Jef with 1 ‘f’ is because he took Ricki fishing and helped her pet a goat. He really is ‘Dad’ material. I’m sure they already covered the subject of whether or not he’s allowed to discipline her and what Ricki is supposed to call him.
They replay the proposal while showing a little screen of the couple’s reaction. I fast forward. They talk some more and I fast forward. The audience claps for something and I fast forward. Emily and Jef with 1 ‘f’ make out. It’s so late and I hate this show so much.
The newly engaged couple announce that they’re heading to Africa to build wells and do some humanitarian work. I’m sure Africa is thrilled. The show ends. A part of me is dead forever.
I’m not watching the Bachelor Pad. I apologize. I can’t do it. I hate it. I will be back in the fall for the Bachelor even though I don’t want to do that either. I guess there’s a chance I could die before that. There’s always hope.
If you’re interested in my book (Not about the Bachelor) click here. It’s good. I promise.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
The worst week of the worst season of the worst show occurred last night. That’s a lot of ‘worsts’. Emily Maynard has narrowed down her blood-thirsty hunt for love down to 2 boyfriends; Jef with 1 ‘f’ and Arie. Arie will win the Game show next week but, first, ABC brings back all of Emily’s rejected boyfriends so they can tell all. It’s the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. I hate every moment. This recap will be short .
The ‘Men Tell All’ episode is pointless. Nothing happens. I hate it. It’s a last ditch effort for attention whores to get on television. It’s the last time America will see them before they’re on the Bachelor Pad which, by the way, I will not watch but more on that later.
The ‘Men Tell All’ begins with everyone’s favorite nodder, Chris Harrison, welcoming the studio audience of 399 women and 1 dude. Harrison tells us what is in store and then throws it to a taped interview with Emily Maynard.
They tell us about stuff we’ve already seen and then show us footage we’ve already seen. (Commercial break)
Chris Harrison giggles uncontrollably and shows America a reel of moments that we didn’t see. It’s hilarious. Emily spills wine and throws an egg on the ground. I laugh so much.
Then, they show all of the footage of Emily brushing her teeth and using the bathroom to prove how real the show is. (Commercial break)
Chris Harrison throws it to a 5-minute promo of their summer slut-fest, ‘Bachelor Pad’. I don’t know if this is an official announcement or anything but I am not watching the Bachelor Pad. I can’t. That show is garbage. I know the Bachelor/Bachelorette is garbage but Bachelor Pad is smellier, dirtier garbage. (Commercial break)
We’ve gone a half-hour, ¼ of the show, and we have not seen anything new. I’m not complaining because I don’t like new or old Bachelorette moments but you would think a television show on a major television network could do better than this.
They introduce the ‘Men’ who are to ‘Tell All’. Then, they show 7 more minutes of footage from the season that we’ve already seen. I’m not even watching television. You’re not even reading a recap. You’re reading a recap about a recap. To update, we’ve gone 38-minutes before we see a single second of original programming. (Commercial break)
Chris Harrison puts Kalon, the planted contestant who was paid to act evil, to sit in the hot seat so the women and 1 dude in the audience can boo him and Emily’s other boyfriends can yell at him. Kalon continues to act evil. Chris Harrison announces that Kalon will be on the Bachelor Pad so the audience can boo once more. (Commercial break)(Every commercial break has another ridiculous promo for the Bachelor Pad, by the way)
Ryan the Arena Football League player get his chance to be booed by America after a short 4-minute recap of things we’ve already seen. His beard looks like someone burned a cork and rubbed it on his face. Ryan defends his arrogant nature while ABC pans the camera to show us old ladies shaking their head in a state disapprovement. For the record, ‘disapprovement’ is not a word and my computer has no suggestions on how to fix this mistake. Chris, the Polish guy, yells at Ryan from his seat and there is yelling and I blacked out for a little. (Commercial break)
Chris, the Polish guy, gets the next 1-on-1 hot-seat interview after a 12-minute montage of things we’ve already seen. Chris talks about how much he wants love. (‘Polish’ Chris, not Chris Harrison… keep up!) When Chris talks about how much he wants love, the women in the audience do not shake their heads in disapprovement, they smile and nod in approvement (also not a word). Chris cries and unveils that he has serious anger issues and admits to losing friends over his anger issues. When he’s done with this confession, the audience applauds. I’m confused. They promote that Chris will take his anger issues to the Bachelor Pad. It should be punchy. (Commercial break)
Giant religious Sean has the next hot-seat interview and the 399 girls and one dude just go nuts with excitement. Sean will be a Bachelor soon. His giant shoulders will bear that burden. We, of course, re-live his journey with a 17-minute montage.
“I spent several weeks questioning myself”- Giant religious Sean on getting dumped by Emily.
That’s really the only quote I have for this week. There hasn’t been a ton of new material and Wolf has hardly said a word. It’s disappointing. I am in a state of disapprovement. (Commercial break)
There is a ‘Shingles’ commercial during the break. It comes across as an ABC series about shingles. I’d watch and recap a season of a show about Shingles with more excitement than a show about a brainless twit dating 25 men.
Emily gets the next hot-seat interview. She talks to Sean about their failed relationship. She apologizes for dumping him and Sean said, “I never questioned your sincerity”. So, Sean never questioned the sincerity of a woman who dated 25 guys at once. Sean thanks Emily for dumping him.
Chris thanks Emily for dumping him.
Emily yells at Kalon for being Kalon and he plugs his Twitter account. Then Chris Harrison throws it to commercial claiming that they have so much more to talk about.
I’ve just turned my television off. I hate this show.
Next week is the finale. I promise my recap will be slightly better.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Tonight’s episode of the Bachelorette wasn’t funny. It was very serious and very scary. There was a helicopter followed by more helicopters, boats, small planes, tears and buckets and buckets of tears.
I usually look forward to the third-last episode of a Bachelor/Bachelorette season because the third-last episode means ‘Fantasy Suites’ and ‘Fantasy Suites’ mean more sex than a Cinemax Free-Preview weekend.
Emily takes her three remaining boyfriends to an island called ‘Cerosau’ or something. I’ve never heard of it and I sure as hell am not looking up the correct spelling.
We begin with Emily sitting on a rock on the beach and thinking about her 3 boyfriends. ABC provides footage from the season we’ve already seen, in case you forgot what giant religious Sean looks like without his shirt on or maybe you forgot about that time giant religious Sean stood up on a bus and yelled “Hello London!”
Emily remarks that Sean only wants to get married once… because there are a lot of people who declare their intentions to be married several times.
We relive Jef with 1 ‘f’s super creepy puppet scene, Jef with 1 ‘f’s super creepy library make-out session scene and Jef with 1 ‘f’s super romantic skeet-shooting scene.
Emily says that Jef with 1 ‘f’ could make a trip to the grocery store an adventure. I don’t doubt it considering his hair.
Finally, we relive the four hundred hours of make-out footage between Emily and Arie. We are 8 minutes into the show and there has not been a second of original footage. This show is garbage.
Emily weighs her options and is having a tough time. She says, “I never thought in a million years that I would be feeling so strongly for three of these guys”.
So, she went on a Game Show to find love and thought her chances of finding that love were .000001%. That seems logical.
Giant religious Sean gets the first date and wears pink shorts. Emily is concerned because Sean hasn’t said “I love you” yet. I know how she feels. If a guy hasn’t told you he loves you after 4 televised dates in front of millions of people while you’re also dating 20 other guys… Sister, you have to protect yourself. He might just be a player.
Sean and Emily JUMP ONTO A HELICOPTER!!!! They fly to their own private island because Bachelor producers are out of ideas. They’ve used this private island thing a dozen times by now.
They talk about Sean’s past relationships while I look around my living room floor for something to stub my toe on.
When explaining the failure of one of his past relationships, Sean says that he “loved her but he wasn’t in love with her” and Emily says “I know what you mean”. I’m pretty sure she’ll end up using that line on Sean soon.
They don’t make out yet. These two kids always make out and they’re not making out. They go snorkeling.
Before they have sex, Emily and giant religious Sean have to eat dinner on TV. The crickets in Kerosau or whatever island they’re on are deafening. It sounds like each cricket is 4-feet long.
Sean wrote Emily’s daughter Ricki a letter even though he has never met her. The letter states that he’s ready and willing to be her Dad even though he’s never met her and has only dated her mother a handful of times. I would love to find Ricki when she’s an Emo/ Goth teenager, raging against the world and watching repeats of the Bachelorette with random ab-ridden idiots declaring their undying love for her without ever setting foot in the same state she lived in. This little girl is going to be so messed up. She’s going to be a head case. I want to apologize to Ricki for ABC’s behavior.
Anyway, Sean tells Emily that he loves her. ABC picks its best ‘Sean loves Emily’ soft piano music. Sean is really nervous to tell Emily he loves her for the first time. My wife said, “He didn’t even have to get drunk like you did”.
Emily pulls out the Fantasy Suite invitation. It’s a note from Chris Harrison inviting the young couple to have sex in a room that Bachelorette interns have littered with rose pedals and thousands of candles. Emily and Chris put on fewer clothes and make out in a hot tub. There is much slurping.
Emily is actually fighting with her morals and decides not to have sex all night with giant religious Sean. She sends him home after a couple of hours of making out. I feel completely ripped off. Bachelorette island vacations are supposed to mean bumpin’ uglies! I’ve been denied my God-given American rights!
Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets the next pointless date because it doesn’t look like there’s going to be any sex tonight.
They go out on a yacht and talk about whether or not Jef with 1 ‘f’ would be a good parent. Here’s the exchange:
Jef with 1 ‘f’- “Do you think I’d be a good parent?”
Jef with 1 ‘f’- “Why?”
Emily and Jef with 1 ‘f’ jump off the boat into the ocean to swim over to a cliff so they can jump off of the cliff and into the ocean. What are Bachelor producers like in real life? Do they constantly jump off of things to declare love? Do they say things like, “This donut is delicious. I love donuts!” while jumping off of chairs? I know this recap sucks but so does this show. Write your own recap! (sorry)
Jef with 1 ‘f’ eats dinner on TV with Emily. They drink giant glasses of wine and talk about their relationship because someone decided that this would be good television.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ interviews Emily and asks her how she can be attractive but still single. Emily says …something. I don’t know. There’s so much talking. I hate this show. Why can’t they just make out so I can, at least, relax and not listen for embarrassing quotes?
Just as I’m about to scream from all of the talking, they make out. Then, Jef with 1 ‘f’ stops making out to ask if Emily thinks that Ricki would like him. JUST MAKE OUT!
My wife thinks that Jef with 1 ‘f’ is going to win the Game Show and I scream, “They’re leading you on! Arie wins it! The producers just want you to think Jef with 1 ‘f’ is going to win!” She gets up and watches from the other room.
Emily pulls out the Sex Suite invitation. Jef with 1 ‘f’ declines the invitation to have sex on TV because his parents and Ricki will watch. What the hell is wrong with these people? They’ve been having near-sex for 6 weeks! Just take the damn key! The room is paid for! Now, I’m using exclamation points AND ending sentences with prepositions!
They do go to the room for a couple of hours to swallow the inside of each other’s mouth. There is 2 solid minutes of face sucking. Good thing they didn’t have sex. It would have set a bad example for Ricki.
Arie gets the final date. There still has been no sex. Arie is my last chance.
They get on a sailboat so they can lie on a blanket to make out. These two waste no time. There is no small talk. It’s straight to picking each other’s fillings.
Emily and Arie come up for air to swim with some dolphins. The dolphins swim near them and jump and squeak and we see it all and it’s totally awesome! ABC even plays some cool ‘Swimming with Dolphins’ music. Then they go back to the boat to drink giant glasses of wine and talk about the season. Then, they make out. ABC switches the CD over to ‘Spanish-style’ make-out music.
We bounce back from commercial with a full moon shot. (Are you keeping track at home??!!! There is always a full moon shining over Bachelor/Bachelorette couples!!!)
Emily and Arie eat on TV and talk. Arie talks about how much he wants to watch Ricki eat breakfast. He seriously says that. He says that he’d like to watch a woman’s daughter eat breakfast. Normally, that kind of talk would have a girl dialing 9-1-1 under the table. On the Bachelorette, it’s sweet and charming.
Emily and Arie talk more. There is so much talking and it’s boring. No wonder they’re always making out. They are the two least interesting people on Earth.
Arie talks about how he’d gain a child’s trust and I can’t be the only person creeped out by his speech. Does anyone even think about the fact that this Ricki girl will watch this? Does anyone care that she has to go to High School one day and put up with other kids talking about how her Dad described, in detail, his elaborate plan to convince her to trust him?
Emily doesn’t even offer Arie the Fantasy suite card because she knows that she’d have sex with him. DAMMIT! So, I’m 0-for-3 in the Fantasy Suite column. It’s so unfair. They do make out for an additional 48 seconds. Emily cries a bit on camera about having to dump one of her three boyfriends. Please read that last sentence back.
The show is basically over, there has been zero sex, and there is still over a half-hour left in the episode. In comes Chris Harrison for a pointless interview. Emily and Harrison sit down in front of the most cricket-filled bushes on the island to recap everything we’ve just seen. Emily spends the entire first part of the interview on the verge of tears. The second part of the interview is spent crying. There are boogers. I’m so thankful for High Definition.
Emily blabs on about being in love with three guys. Chris Harrison is saving his best ‘serious’ head shaking for the end of the season. This guy is a pro. It’s been a marathon season and we’re just now getting his best. Harrison is the Claude Lemieux of television hosts (sports quota filled).
When he’s done nodding his head solemnly, Chris Harrison brings Emily over to a television so she can cry and watch three separate messages from her boyfriends. Their talk didn’t even take 7 minutes. How long are these video messages? Are they going to read crap to her? I hate that crap!
Giant religious Sean has the first message. He is not holding paper, thankfully. Sean tells Emily, once again, that he’s in love with her. It’s a good thing she watched this because it’s so much different from what Sean told her 38-minutes ago.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ has the next message. There is more talking. Whatever.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ says, “Together we will watch 1,000 sunsets”. That sounds really boring.
Arie has the final televised message. Arie says, “My heart is always racing for you”. Did you guys see what he did there? He made a racing analogy! This guy is a poet!
Emily cries through all three messages. She obviously isn’t comfortable dumping one of her three boyfriends on National TV. Maybe she shouldn’t have dated 25 guys on a Game Show. We have figured out how ABC planned on filling that extra half-hour. It’s just Emily crying a butt-ton.
The Rose ceremony is super dramatic. They hold it in front of the giant, mutated cricket bush. You can hardly hear Chris Harrison scream out the stakes of the ceremony. There are only 2 roses. After this, you’re either getting dumped or proposing a 6-month engagement to a boring woman.
Emily comes out and manages not to cry for 30 seconds. She apologizes in advance for dumping one of them… but not for dating all three of them at once.
Emily dumps giant religious Sean. We saw it coming. He was all abs. Emily takes Sean aside to explain the dumping. The crickets intensify their screech as if they sense the tension. Emily asks Sean what he’s thinking because that’s what a guy who just got dumped wants to be asked. Sean says he feels stupid and Emily says, “Why?”
I’m guessing he feels stupid because he just got dumped by an idiot on National TV.
Sean handles the dumping like a pro because that’s how you become the next Bachelor. Emily cries a lot. She’s wearing a tank top and a bottle-cap shower curtain dress. I’m not kidding. When she walks, her dress sounds like a shopping cart rolling over Wegmans’ tiles.
Sean gets into the limo to cry to America. It’s not a gushy tear-fest. He manages not to snot. I respect him for that. He’s earned it.
I miss Sean already. Do you guys… Sorry, I’m laughing again… Do you guys remember how hilarious Sean was last week with his crazy pranks? Holy cow! It was Fun-E. He’ll find love. He’s too funny not to find love.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ will battle Arie for the right to date Emily off camera for a couple of months. I bet Arie will gas up and put the pedal to the floor! Next week is the worst thing America has ever created…. The Men Tell All episode! I’m going to watch with a Cyanide capsule cradled between my top and bottom molars!
Greg Bauch is the Author of 'Frank Dates'. The book is available in paperback and Ebook by clicking here.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I know you guys have been messing around on these recaps all season but that bleep ends now. We’re in serious mode. There are only 3 more episodes of the Bachelorette before Arie wins and this week is the ‘hometown dates’ episode.
Emily Maynard has narrowed down her second televised search for love down to 4 guys, Arie (wins the show), Psycho Chris (psycho), Jef with 1 ‘f’ (spells his first name wrong) and Giant religious Sean (the funnest and funniest person on Earth… you’ll see this episode…AND STUPID COMPUTER! ‘FUNNEST’ IS A WORD! SEAN’S THE SUPER FUNNEST! I HATE THIS COMPUTER!!)
Sorry, I kind of got off track there. Emily will visit the hometowns of these 4 dudes and have an awkward confrontation with their families. Everyone is basically in love at this point so the word ‘love’ is treated like a whore in a shanty town. (I think I need to get my blood pressure checked.)
We begin with the exploitation of a 6-year old girl. Emily heads home to spend 15-seconds with the daughter who is always in the back of her mind. Emily has been gone for so long that Ricki now has cornrows.
Ricki hung ‘Welcome Home’ signs around the house for her Mom and they were obviously too detailed to be made by the hand of a 6-year old. I’m guessing some poor Bachelorette intern had to spend 2 hours gluing glitter onto cardboard for a 12-frame heartfelt moment.
Emily talks to Ricki. Ricki is mic’d up for the segment and that’s creepy to me. As the happy family sits on the couch, ABC rolls out 7 minutes of footage from this season that we’ve already seen. Producers are scrambling for footage. It’s so much more exciting when the Bachelorette dates 25 guys instead of 4.
Emily puts Ricki to bed. For the second time since she joined the world of reality television, Emily says goodnight to her daughter, turns off the lights and closes Ricki’s bedroom door. We know this because a camera shows us the entire sequence, meaning 2-to-3 sweaty Teamsters holding microphones and boom mics are in the room with Ricki after her mother turns off the lights and closes her bedroom door. ABC had better pay for Ricki’s therapy.
After she puts her daughter to bed, another camera shows Emily check her front window for prowlers, lock the front door and turn off all of the lights. This same woman just left a production crew in her daughter’s bedroom. What difference does it make if someone breaks into your house at this point?
We’re done terrorizing 6-year olds and ready for hometown fun. Emily heads to Chicago to meet up with Pyscho Chris. Chris is a weird combination of nerdy and stabby. He will punch a family member if they don’t behave perfect for Emily.
Emily sneaks up on Chris in the streets of Chicago. There’s no way he didn’t know she was coming. Psycho Chris is so high strung, if you snuck up on him in the street, he’d whip out a bowie knife. I picture the Producers making them do the ‘sneak-up’ scene over and over until Chris gets the surprised look just right.
We’re 8-minutes into the week and Emily has already said “I’m so excited” 100 times. She’s flirting with history… and 4 guys. Chris thinks that he and Emily would have a perfect life in Chicago and that is clear in the 4 minutes they walk around. Chris is explaining his heritage to Emily. His Dad is from Poland and his entire family speaks Polish. Chris wins me over with an award winning quote about his family.
“On a scale from 1-to-Polish… we’re Polish.”
How many numbers are in between 1-and-Polish? Thousands? Is it like, 1-2-3-Polish? I need to get to Chicago one of these days to find out. I’ll bet my wife and I would have a perfect life there.
They go to a Polish Chicago bar that is completely empty so they can drink giant beers and have awkward conversation. Chris is acting less like a psycho because he doesn’t have the other guys around. He is still shaking a lot because he’s nervous and I feel like I could possibly be stabbed by Chris even though this show is taped and I’m in Buffalo. I do feel like Chicago would be the perfect place for Chris to stab me.
They head to Chris’s parents’ house to eat an uncomfortable dinner in front of America. His family is really nice. They don’t exactly come across as comfortable on camera and that makes me like them more. Chris’s immigrant father has a 1-on-1 chat with Emily and she confides that she has feelings for Chris. Chris’s Dad than blabs to Chris that Emily is infatuated with him. It’s a giant ‘false hope’ bomb. He’s going to stab his Dad after watching this episode.
Chris’s sister pulls Emily aside to ask her to dump her brother so she doesn’t break his heart. Then Emily and Chris make out in the driveway so he can tell her he loves her while he shakes uncontrollably. ABC shows us a full moon in the sky. They always show us full moons. There is, like, a 1-in-30 chance you get a full moon. They must just roll out stock ‘full moon’ footage for Bachelorette episodes. What’s wrong with crescent moons? They’re just as romantic.
There’s a Polish party after the make out session.
Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets the next hometown date. He lives in Utah. Jef with 1 ‘f’ takes her to a Ranch to shoot rifles and ride all-terrain vehicles. He’s wearing skinny jeans which offset the ATV quite nicely. You really get a sense of how badass Jef with 1 ‘f’ is when he wields a weapon. It’s a pretty stupid segment of television.
Then, they sit on a bale of hay to talk. Jef with 1 ‘f’ tells Emily that his parents won’t be around. He lies that they’re in South Carolina doing charity work. I am not kidding when I tell you that the phrase “doing charity work” is completely dubbed over in post-production. I you tape the show, fast forward to the 41-minute mark. It’s dubbed. I’m guessing his parents aren’t thrilled with the idea of their single-consonant son dating a girl who’s dating a bunch of other guys on TV.
Emily, Jef with 1 ‘f’ and his family eat dinner outside. It’s quite boring and there’s a ton of talking. Emily gets interviewed by Jef with 1 ‘f’s brothers and sisters. It turns out that they’re perfect for each other… and they’re not even in Chicago.
On a side note, Jef with 1 ‘f’ has to be the only guy in Utah with that hair. He must be easy to spot in the street. Jef with 1 ‘f’ takes Emily to a Utah mountain so he can read her a note on TV and he’s holding, like, 12 pages and he won’t stop talking and this guy isn’t even Arie so he’s not going to win and it’s uncomfortable and I hate this show. Then, they make out.
Arie, the eventual winner, gets the next hometown date. Emily meets him on a race track because he’s a race car driver and they drive in his really fast Indy race car. Can you imagine how dramatic the music would have been if they crashed? ABC would have had to bust out a piano that oozed blood and tears.
When they’re done risking their lives (BTW, no one even mentions that Emily’s kid’s dead father was a race car driver!!! I guess that’s all in the past.) Emily and Arie throw a blanket down in a park so ABC can show us their b-roll footage of ducks. They drink wine and talk and I’m bored. Then, they make out.
They pull up to Arie’s house which looks just like the Bachelor mansion. ABC would never pick a contestant who lived in a trailer. (They came close with Vienna) Arie’s Dad won the 1990 and 1997 Indianapolis 500. (sports quota filled)
His family speaks in Dutch or Netherlandishness. Emily doesn’t know what’s going on and neither do I and I’m bored. There’s dramatic ‘Dutch-speak’ music. Arie’s Mom breaks the ice by bringing Emily into a bedroom to speak in broken English. Arie’s Mom watches the Bachelor and couldn’t believe Brad Womack dumped her. They make nice and they love each other so Arie can still win the Game show.
There’s some more full moon footage and then they make out in the drive way for 38 seconds.
Giant religious Sean gets the….giant religious….. Sean……. I’m sorry. I know you can’t tell but I’m laughing while I’m typing because Sean is just crazy. Holy cow! He’s so funny. I can’t even stand it. Any way Emily flies to Dallas to meet up with the hilarious Sean. He has giant dogs and shoulders and his dogs have giant shoulders.
They sit on a blanket in the park and make out (Wait ‘til Arie sees this! That’s his move!) They also pick flowers and drink wine. Do women like that? Because I’ve never done that. The camera guy is very good at super-zooming in when the making-out starts. He must have gone to school for that. They didn’t offer that course at Buffalo State. No wonder it’s a Division III school.
Sean takes…… Sean…. Sorry…. (Laughing again). Sean brings Emily home and he plays a prank on her. Sean tells Emily that he still lives at home and he shows her his room and it’s a big mess and Emily is super freaking out and the music is the kind of music you play at a funeral and Sean is just kidding and he tells her he’s just kidding and his family laughs AND EMILY LAUGHS AND SEAN LAUGHS AND WE ALL LAUGH FOR HOURS AND I’LL NEVER STOP LAUGHING AND THIS IS PERFECT AND THEY’RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER AND IT’S NOT EVEN CHICAGO!
I hate this show.
Emily talks to Sean’s family. They’re perfect and she’s perfect. They all love each other so nothing could ever go wrong in a relationship formed on camera in front of millions of people.
Sean tells his Dad that Emily has changed his outlook on marriage “a little bit”. Then, his Dad says, “Really” and Sean says, “Actually… a lot a bit.”
They make out in the driveway. There is slurping. There is a ton of slurping. Emily drives off and Sean runs after Emily’s truck to stop her for more making out.
Chris Harrison sits down with Emily to recap everything we just saw and I fast forward. I do notice Harrison giving the ‘serious look’ reaction of his life.
The Rose Ceremony is next and I’m not sure who is going home. Psycho Chris is shaking like Carnival ride. Emily dumps him. I literally hide behind my couch out of fear of being stabbed. Emily takes Chris outside and he yells at her for dumping him. He does not hit her. I pictured animal trainers off camera waiting to taze him if things got out of control. Chris manages to not cry in the limo and that’s amazing.
While the credits roll… we see more hilarious joke footage from Sean’s family. THEY ACTED LIKE THEY WERE GOING TO SERVE EMILY ARMADILLO FOR DINNER AND SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE’S JUST GONNA DIE AND THEN THEY TELL HER THEY’RE KIDDING AND THEY ALL LAUGH AND, GUYS! I’M NOT EVEN DONE LAUGHING FROM THE FIRST JOKE AND NOW MY EYES ARE BLEEDING AND I CAN’T BREATHE AND IT’S ALL JUST SO FUNNY! Seriously though, Sean is Cray-cray.
Hey, I know it’ll be tough to sell this after that last paragraph but, I just wrote a book. It is NOT about the Bachelor. It’s a fictional tale. I’d be honored if you checked it out here. It's avaliable in paperback and Ebook. A preview is available. Cheers.