Tuesday, December 10, 2013

What Do You Give to the Person Who Has Everything?

What do you give to the person who has everything?

It’s a common question used in marketing slogans and Hallmark Cards this time of year. The answer is, “nothing”. At least it should be. If we’re treating the question like a math equation, you couldn’t possibly give something to someone who has everything. It’s not physically possible. They have everything. You wouldn’t possess something. They’d already have it.

A more realistic answer to the question of what to give to someone who has everything is, “something from your heart”. Again, in a literal sense, that would mean blood. Even if a person doesn’t need blood now, they may need it in the future. If they have “everything” then they would surely have the necessary equipment to properly store your blood until a time when they needed it. So, giving blood is an option.

You could hug them but, some people have issues with physical contact. Actually, a person who has everything would have physical contact issues. They would also have abandonment issues, leukemia and Tourette’s syndrome. Having everything would suck. Sure you have a boat, access to high speed internet and an endless supply of barbeque potato chips, but you also have pink eye and lobster claws. You have everything.

You’d have a super bowl ring. That’s cool. But, try putting a super bowl ring on your obscene lobster-claw fingers. 

I guess, if you had everything, you’d have the ability to transform your lobster claws into normal hands. You’d also have the ability to cure your fever, your fear of being inside and your fear of being outside. You have everything. The person who has everything should be giving me something.

If you have everything, you have a wife and a girlfriend and that is not cool. You’re an adulterer.

If you have everything, you own the Declaration of Independence and a Confederate Flag. What’s it going to be, jerk? Do you love your country or do you still stew over Northern aggression?  Make up your mind.

I don’t think I’ll buy anything for the person who has everything. Everything comes with a price. The person who has everything isn’t even getting the time of day from me. Not that it matters because they already have the time of day, in every time zone and language.

So, what do you give the person who has everything? The answer is “blood” or scratch-off lottery tickets.