Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Stretching 3 Minutes of Content into a 2-Hour Show

I only need one word (crap) to recap Monday night's 'Women Tell All' episode of the Bachelor but, in true Bachelor fashion, I'm going to stretch things out to a 37-page recap. Let us first clarify what "The Women Tell All" actually means. It means, "The Women All Talk At Once and Say Nothing". It's an awful way to spend 2 hours, especially when you should only be spending about 10 minutes. The nice thing about "The Women Tell All" is that there is very little of Jake talking. They just unplug the Jake Robot and leave it in the corner for most of the show.

Monday night was strange. The producers had to work pretty hard to fill the full two hours, and I'm not even talking about sleeping with contestants. First, we watched some rare video footage from the show that has only been seen a few thousand times. (If I have to watch Jake and
Vienna bungee-jumping from that bridge one more time, I'm inventing a time machine to go back and cut that rope.)

Then we saw the most useless bunch of people 'giving back' to the community. Past Bachelor and Bachelorette flunkies, who can't seem to go on with their lives and have someone how made a career of being annoying and promiscuous on television, were filmed doing community service. That amounts to fake women in tank tops and heels coldly handing small bags of groceries to whatever disheveled citizens the producers could manage to jam onto a bus and into
Los Angeles. My favorite moment was an empty-headed snowboarder handing a grocery bag to a women and saying, "Here you go, bragh". Then the former contestants went back to a bar and were filmed having sex with each other. "Good Clean Fun", says this reporter.

"The Women Tell All" had reached the 48-minute mark and not one "Women" had begun to "Tell All". I felt like the guy from "the Pit and the Pendulum", only there were no rats around to chew my eyes out and save me.

(Spoiler Alert- If you don't want to know the winner this season, skip this paragraph)
ABC finally brought out a selection of contestants to give them one more chance at being on television. The girls were coached very well to say nice things about this year's eventual winner,
Vienna. It was almost like there was a guy with a cattle prod, standing off camera, waiting to zap any girl who said something negative about Vienna. If my wife, who doesn't go on-line or read tabloid magazines, knows the secret about who wins this season of the Bachelor, it's not a very good secret.

(Spoiler Alert- If you don't want to know about every remaining season of the Bachelor for the rest of time, skip this sentence.)
The Bachelor sucks.

We all know how dramatic the Bachelor is, so it was no surprise that they upped the ante on drama for the "Women Tell All". Rozlyn came back to talk about sleeping with a producer and getting kicked off of the show. Rozlyn denied everything. She seemed to be lying. The rest of the contestants told stories about seeing her around the mansion, making out with this producer. They all seemed to be lying. The host of the show, Chris Harrison, repeatedly attacked Rozlyn's character. He seemed to be lying. The whole thing seemed very forced and staged. It was perfect 'Bachelor' material.

I guess readers of tabloid rags have been treated to some juicy rumors regarding the incident. I have nothing to say about this. I don't have anything left. I hate this show. I hate this recap. I am stopping, in the middle of this recap, to tell you people that I have nothing left. I hate myself. I hate that I have to pay attention to the most horrible sounds and images ever burned onto film just to recap it. It's like getting a job at an open landfill, describing all of the individual pieces of trash.

ABC is begging me to not watch the Bachelor anymore. How else can you explain what these monsters have done with the finale? They've decided to sprinkle in Live coverage of the unveiling of this year's cast of 'Dancing with the Stars'. I watch a lot of crap, but I refuse to watch a single second of that show. Refuse. "Refuse" is the British word for garbage.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Sleeping With Three Women and Dumping One of Them

This is the worst show in the history of television.

'Passions', 'Dharma and Greg' and 'Mama's Family' all seem entertaining next to the Bachelor. You could unhinge my jaw and jam a live wolverine down my throat and I would enjoy it more than the two hours spent in front of the television every Monday night.

You wouldn't think that a television network could make something horrible even more horrible, but ABC managed that feat with this Jake guy. He is about as likeable as a heat rash. Everytime he talks my eyes starting rolling into the back of my head and I have to fight off death. I hate him.

This Monday was a big day for Jake because he knew that, if one of the girls refused to sleep with him, he could send them home and they wouldn't be on television any more. Gia,
Vienna and Tenley spent the weekend with Jake on the island of St. Lucia. There's nothing like a televised courtship on a gorgeous tropical island where television producers light candles and throw rose pedals on every inch of open space. It's the perfect way to get to know the real someone.

First Jake spent the day with Gia and then slept with her. Gia is attractive. She's really the only redeeming value of the show at this point.

Secondly, Tenley, with a voice that could wake the dead, praddled on about her divorce a little more in case America
didn't hear her the first 6 episodes of the season. Then Jake slept with her.

FInally, Vienna and Jake dry humped on a pirate ship before jumping into the ocean to rub abs. Then Jake slept with her. Vienna
is a dude. I'm just gonna lay that out there. She's a dude. I might be alone on this one, but I don't find her the least bit attractive. I've heard the term, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Sometimes, the eye beholds a dude. Also, she was planted by the producers to annoy people and make the show more interesting. (Who's with me?)


Yeah, this is the part of the show that made me want to lie down on the 90. Ali is rethinking her decision to leave the show. Apparently, when you "leave" a reality TV show to go back to your job, you bring a camera crew with you so they can capture heart-warming shots of you waking up in the morning with make-up on and staring lovingly at two giant promotional posters of Jake sitting on the night stand. Then this camera crew, that you apparently left behind, just happens to be filming as you sit pensively by the Golden Gate
bridge in perfect lighting and lament your lost love, old what's-his-name.

In a magical moment, Jake is in the bedroom with a camera crew, packing a suitcase with his shirt off, as the phone rings. He has this, "Who could that be? I wasn't expecting a phone call!" look on his face. Jake leaves the room as we switch to a different camera, perfectly white-balanced, focused and situated by the phone on the night stand. We are then forced to sit through a grueling 'dramatic' phone call of Ali whining and Jake painfully trying to act.

The only true emotion that the Bachelor brings out in me is the pity I feel for any person who takes it the least bit serious. I've played games at the fair that were more sincere.

Anyway, Jake couldn't get Ali on a plane in time to sleep with her before the rose ceremony so she didn't go to St. Lucia

Then Jake dumps the only girl who doesn't make me want to fist-fight a puma. We're down to Tenley and Vienna
, who is a dude.

I'm not writing a recap for the 'Women Tell All' episode. I can't do it. I hate it. I would heat up oil and pour it into my eyes so I don't have watch 'the Women Tell All', but I would still be able to hear it, and that's just as depressing. Is there a longer two hours of television? Is there no end to the amount of rhetorical questions I'll ask? Allright, I'll recap 'the Women Tell All', but just because I'm up to 6 readers.

My favorite thing about writing this column are the 'spoilers' that appear in the comments section. Whether it be from word of mouth or internet leaks, people have been revealing the ending of this season of the Bachelor and tagging this information as a 'spoiler alert'. If you leave turkey on the counter, it spoils. If you reveal the ending of complete pile of garbage that is horribly produced and painfully drawn out, it's just more garbage. There are no winners on this show. Some people just have to stick around and annoy America a little longer.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Pretending to be in Love to be on T.V.

We have reached my favorite part of the Bachelor season. Jake the pilot narrowed down his decision to 4 girls and got to go to their home towns to meet the families. I thoroughly enjoy these episodes because the girls stop saying things like, "I think we have a connection" and start saying things like, "I'm falling for him". There's nothing better than pretend love for the sake of television. It's the American dream.

Due to a rigorous screening process, the home town dates are ususally set in very large expensive homes filled with well-dressed people. I'm always dissapointed that the Bachelor doesn't have to meet a girl's family in a trailer with some random drug addict scratching at the screen door the entire time.

Here's a recap of the 4 home town dates:
-Jake met Gia's family out at a New York City restaurant. Gia's brother Erick gave men everywhere some good news. It turns out that you don't have to put a lot of product in your hair to be on television. Just go the natural route. I'm being sarcastic because this herb had about 40 pounds of Paul Mitchell weighing down his skull. He looked like a 'Blooming Onion'. Erick managed to threaten to break Jake's legs to deter him from breaking Vienna's heart. Erick weighs 106 pounds. Jake followed up this threat by raising his glass and saying "I love this family". Then they all started crying. Gia is an attractive swimsuit model.

- Ali's took Jake to her dead grandmother's house so that Jake could meet her dead grandmother. Ali then professed that her dead grandmother has "accepted" Jake. I am not making that up. More on Ali later...in...what....could......have....been.... THE MOST DRAMATIC ROSE CEREMONY EVER!!!!!!

- The producers hired a nice fake family of Actors to play Vienna's family. Jake seemed to like them, as was part of the arrangement when he agreed to be the Bachelor. The entire fake home date was a success. Vienna's fake family liked Jake and felt like he was perfect for their fake daughter, who was planted by the producers to appear on the show to make it more interesting. When Vienna's fake Dad cried, I almost fake cried. It was all very dramatic.

- Tenley showed Jake how good she is at ballet dancing. Then she took Jake to her house so she and her family could cry for three hours. Then, after speaking with Jake for 20 minutes, Tenley's dad gave him permission to marry his daughter.

OMG! The Rose Ceremony was so dramatic! Do you want to know why? Because there was no Rose Ceremony! SCREEEEEEAAAAMMM!!!!

Ali's job threatened to fire her if she didn't leave the Bachelor and return to work. She talked it out with Jake for, what turned out to be, the longest 45 minutes of my life. She wanted Jake to give her a sign that she was going to win the game show. Jake is contractually obligated not to tell the girls who he chose until the last day. So, even though she was falling head over heels in love, Ali left the show to go do marketing. It was just like Romeo and Juliet.

Ali left and Jake pretended to be really broken up about it. Then he gathered himself up and gave a rose to three other women, including a swimsuit model.

The drama is killing me, slowly.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Super Bowl Commercial Recap

Did you guys see the Super Bowl? I missed a lot of the game so I could take notes and give you this commercial recap because my boss respects me about as much as any of my ex-girlfriends do.

Before I recap the highlarity that resulted from millions of dollars of marketing research and CG technology, let us first take a look at where things went wrong. Football used to be a game of skill, finesse and cheating. Did you know that the very first professional football game played in 1892 wasn't even on television? Now, we have two weeks where every piece of meaningless drivel robotically delivered by an uncaring millionaire is sent directly to your phone.

There are people who view the big event specifically for the commercials. Watching the Super Bowl for the commercials is like making love for the exercise. Exercise should be third on your list behind 'procreation' and ahead of 'spite'. The Super Bowl should be watched for the football....and the gambling.

I guess I shouldn't complain. If Danica Patrick wants to pretend like she's almost going to get naked every year, I should just sit back and enjoy it. Here is your commercial recap:

- Super Bowl XLIV commercial breaks started out with a bang. Apparently, Russell Crowe is going to play Robin Hood. My immediate concern was over the threat of a possible comeback of that Bryan Adams song. Then I realized the 'Kevin Costner' Robin Hood came out almost twenty years ago. I feel old.

- I wonder if the people behind the advancement in Cinematography and special effects realize all of the trailblazing work that they've done led to Betty White being tackled in a Snicker's pick-up football game. If so, I hope that they're proud. That was a 'Win'.

- This year featured a large number of Ads with people smacking each other. I'm sure we'll find out, forty years from now, that our society is more violent because of Superbowl XLIV. The commercial with the little kid smacking his mother's date was a little jarring. I'm sure the good people at Doritos are busy reading letters today. The Doritos funeral commercial featuring a guy in a coffin full of Doritos watching football may have been the winner on Sunday.

- When I was 9, the Superbowl Shuffle was the greatest thing that ever happened, so it was hard for me to hate it yesterday. I do know that, if winning a Superbowl requires a dozen or so knee surgeries and the need for a Rascal Scooter at the age of 50, I'm glad I stunk at football.

- There wasn't a single person in my gathering of friends who isn't at least a little creped out by the E-trade babies. The commercial did lead to a heat discussion about 'Look Who's Talking' and whether or not it was 'cool' for a 12-year old boy to go see that movie at the theatre with his parents. Apparently, I'm not cool.

- The Saints won.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Superbowl Commercial Recap

The biggest football game of the year will be played in Miami on Sunday and the itinerary has been handed to the WGR 550 staff. We will need to follow interviews, injury news, write a running diary of the game and give opinions on why the Saints/Colts came out on top. I'm in charge of watching the Superbowl commercials and telling you what I think.

I wish I was dead.

I hate Superbowl commercials and I'm being forced to pay attention to them. When am I supposed to use the bathroom? But, like Winston Churchill once said, "You dug your own grave with those Bachelor recaps. Now dig your way out."

The good news is that I'm already pretty confident that I know what kind of commercials are going to be shown. So, I'm writing the recap now in hopes that I won't have to do it again Sunday night.

Here's a recap of what think we'll see Sunday. If I'm wrong, you'll get another one next Monday.

Worst Five Commercials:
5. The anti-smoking commercial- These commercials are probably effective, but I object to the idea of the :30 documentary recap where they got 5 kittens addicted to smoking and then showed how slow they jog.

4. The unsettling beer commercial that shows an alcoholic trying to get rid of his DT shakes with a new easy-pour can that makes the beer come out faster.

3. Jamie Lee Curtis eating a case of high-fiber yogurt in the kitchen with her friends and then making out with a bunch of preubeasant boys.

2. Bud Bowl 4.

1. The digitally reanimated corpse of Billy Mays displaying a new line of NFL licensed Snuggies.

Best Five Commercials:

5. Godaddy.com upping the 'softcore porn' ante with Danica Patrick stranded in a desert with the 1985 Chicago Bears.

4. ABC's cross-promotion ad where they reveal the ending of 'Lost'.

3. Chris Berman, Marie Osmond and Dan Marino each shoveling in handfuls of weight loss pills to see who can shed the most pounds in 30 seconds.

2. The beer commercial where the horses stop playing football to run over and kick the Kardashian family to death.

1. Bud Bowl V.

I hope you agree with me on my recap. Again, if none of these commercials actually happen, check in next Monday for the real Superbowl commercial recap....unless I'm fired by then. (fingers crossed)

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Dramatic Rose Ceremonies

When will women who want to be on a Reality Dating show learn? Never tell the Bachelor that you're saving yourself for marriage.

The only reasons a guy would subject himself to the process of leaving his life on hold for 6 months to listen to a dozen women complain about each other is so he can eventually have sex with a few of them in the fantasy suite. I've watched one hundred seasons of this show (it feels like one hundred) and there is always one girl who confesses that she's a virgin (like it's something you'd need to confess?) and they never make it to the end. Usually, the Bachelor never kicks a girl off the same week that she reveals her purity, but Jakey had some major groping to get in with there being just a few girls left.

So, we're now down to 4 women since Corrie told "fly boy" that she's not giving up the cookies.

Let's handi-cap the odds for the girls remaining.

Vienna- 3%
Considering that Vienna was planted by the producers of the Bachelor to pester and harrass the other girls and drum up ratings, I think she has a zero% chance of winning. Keep in mind that there is a 3% margin of error. Vienna is also ugly and kind of looks like a dude.

Tenley- 12%
I'm giving Tenley 12% because she's the most annoying girl in the history of the show. I hate her voice. I hate her smile. I hate that America probably think she's sincere, when no contestant on this show could ever be sincere.

Gia- 80%
Gia is a drop-dead gorgeous swimsuit model. What do you want here, talk about her personality? You're not getting it. I have no doubt that she's on the Bachelor to further her career and get some exposure. That usually makes me angry, but I'm just glad she's around. She's not annoying. She looks really good and gives me something to look forward to every week. Without Gia, I would spend the 2 hours looking for sharp objects to jam between my fingers to stay awake. Yes, I made her picture bigger on purpose.

Ali- 5%
Ali is spending all of her time trying to trash a woman planted by the producers to ruin the show. If you only get 3 minutes alone with a man to try and impress him enough to ask for your hand in marriage, try not talking about someone else the entire time. It's probably a turn-off. Ali is attractive, but I could see her getting angry and hitting kids. I don't know why I have this mental image of Ali leaning into the back of a Minivan to smack one of her children with a newspaper, but I can't shake it. She seems a little intense for me. Good thing I don't have abs. I don't have these kind of problems.

There you have it. Holy cow, next week is going to be so dramatic. It was revealed, in a promo at the end of Monday's show, that there will be no rose ceremony next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to put more exclamation points there, but I had to stop because I was crying so heavily.

Does ABC actually think that I'll be surprised that there's no Rose Ceremony next week? Of course there isn't. Mr. Pilot kicked a bunch of extra women off of the show a week early, so they need to fill to get to sweeps week. It's television science, not drama. I can't wait to see Jake get 'fake' upset over the idea of kicking more skanks to the curb and cancel the rose ceremony. It's going to be ultra-dramatic. It'll be Dramatically Dramatical.