Thursday, November 19, 2009

An Open Letter To The Creator of Spider Solitaire

First off, don't tell me it's random. That's a bunch of bull. When I'm looking at 47 cards, and none of them are a '7', that's carefully engineered torture.

Secondly, die. Just die, creator of Spider Solitaire. Die.

Thirdly, before you die, explain to me what happened to you as a child that warped you into thinking that plopping a 6 of clubs on my run of hearts is "fun". As I stated before, there are no '7's, creator of Spider Solitaire. Where am I suppossed to put this 6 of clubs? I can tell you where I'd like to put it, but it won't help me win the tinfoil-chew you call a computer game. Were you beaten as a child, Spider Solitaire creator? Were you neglected? Is this because Mom didn't look at that picture you drew of a horse?

I hate you creator of Spider Solitaire. You're a punk.

"Wow! The entire morning I've wasted playing this stupid game is paying off! I'm about to win....Oh look, a bunch of Aces that do me absolutely no good! Thanks, creator of Spider Solitaire! You're Aces!"

I hope you're stung by a bunch of hornets.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Art And Music

Buffalonians looking for some culture this weekend can double up with a Music and Art Combo.

Ron Hawkins, from the Lowest of the Low and the Rusty Nails, will debut his paintings and his new Album.

The Vault art gallery at 702 Main will have more than two dozen new paintings by Ron Hawkins on display Friday, November 13. The artwork includes portraits of musicians including Johnny Cash, Feist, Joe Strummer, Jeff Tweedy, Sid Vicious and Tom Waits.

On Saturday night, November 14, Ron will appear at the Allendale Theatre, 203 Allen Street to play songs from his new Album, 10 Kinds of Lonely, for the first time in the U.S.

I had a chance to interview Ron over the phone and you can listen to it through this link:

You can visit for more info.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Pick A Century

It's unanimous. The best time to be a 92-year old is right now.

Pick a better century.
0-to-100 Would have been fun with all of the Jesus excitement, plus there were Lions in Europe but you had to go to the bathroom outside. Everything happened in town, so the rent for a downtown apartment would have been steep. Good luck if you're allergic to leather.

100-to-200 Would have been awful. If you tried to tell Commodus he was full of shit for claiming to be Hercules reincarnated, he would have had you burned at the stake. Although, I'll bet that beer was delicious in 150. It was probably about 18 percent alcohol back then. Your back hurt constantly.

200-to-300 Sure, Commodus was dead by now, but you had to walk to town to bathe with people. (Again, a downtown apartment was key.) The last thing I want to deal with in the morning is a bunch of old dudes checking out my junk. At least eyeglasses were invented, so I could drive at night.
300-to-400 People stopped setting Rome on fire, but try getting that smell out of your clothes. We were still about 1600 years away from 'Snuggle'. And sure, there are free horses all over the place, but try catching one. You could throw a spear at its legs but then your horse would have a limp. And it'll never trust you.

400-to-500 Everyone has opium but there are no comfortable chairs.

500-to-600 I like silk as much as the next guy, but if you're stabbing people in the face for it, you're living in a pretty boring century. If you're Asian, most of your friends have Black Death, which cancels League Night. Backgammon is invented. It's been 1500 years, and I still don't know how to play it.

600-to-700 They say 100 million people were killed by the Plague of Justinian, so parking is ample but you're spending most of your time at funerals. Money is finally made of paper, but now you need a wallet. English poetry is invented, so some sensitive, douche bag British guy is bound to steal your girlfriend because he notices birds.

700-to-800 We have harps but Vikings are are crashing our beach parties and killing people. The Byzantines and Arabs keep bothering you to pick a side. Horses are finally doing most of the work but it costs a fortune to feed them.

800-to-900 The Chinese have gunpowder so the streets aren't safe anymore. Tree stump removal is near impossible. Alfred starts calling himself 'Alfred the Great' so there's no talking to him. It takes you 8 years to make a decent canoe and one of the kids from town throws a rock at it.

900-to-1000 Seriously, nothing happened for 100 years and the smell was overpowering.
1000-to-1100 There's finally something to read but it's in Japanese and you're still a thousand years away from being able to walk to Best Buy to get Rosetta Stone. Math is now everywhere. There are finally hospitals for your head wounds but the lines are unbearable. We have clocks, but no TV-info button to press to see at what time we should set our new clocks. People are still dying from colds.

1100-to-1200 Your friends are annoying the shit out of you over 11:11:11 on 11/11/1111. They're throwing 11/11/1111 parties and the line at the market is nuts for the entire week. It still takes a half-hour to use the bathroom so you miss the whole thing and you're not even going to be alive for 12:12:12 on 12/12/1212.

1200-to-1300 Your girlfriend keeps wondering aloud what Genghis Kahn is like and you keep telling her "He's just going to rape you!" You've burned half of your life making bread, not to mention the time spent picking floaties out of your water. Eye glasses are better, but so are hand guns.
1300-to-1400 There's nothing to eat in Europe. You're natural instincts start to deteriorate because of the compass. There are 3 popes. People are finally starting to get soup right but 20 different Philosophers are contradicting each other. If you sleep 4 hours on a 13th century mattress, it's a good night.

1400-to-1500 Guilliaume Dufay is making quality music but you have to ride a horse 1,500 miles to hear it and, by the time you get there, he's dead. The First Bank of Earth is invented. Patrons can't even threaten to take their 17 dollars to a different bank if they don't take away a couple of overdraft charges. Christopher Columbus gets lost and then brings syphilis from the New World back to Europe, killing millions. The Scotch invent Whiskey. Someone goes to work on Asprin.

1500-to-1600 Your girlfriend keeps bugging you to take her to see the Sistine Chapel. By popular demand, you now have the letter 'J', but you're stabbed to death by a Tartar. Woman are finally wearing make-up but most of them have syphilis because of that asshole, Columbus. William Shakespeare invents the chic-flick.

1600-to-1700 You've finally gotten the hang of fractions and then Gottfried Leibnitz invents the Binary system. They build Havard and now your parents are constantly on you to get in there. There's finally ice cream but there's only, like, 3 flavors. There's now an Opera House in Venice but the scalpers are brutal.

1700-to-1800 Everyone in France is moody. People start asking you to put political posters on your lawn. You keep burning yourself with steam. The cost of tea skyrockets in Boston. You have no idea what "skyrocket" means. There are finally pianos but, now every song has a piano solo. Your girlfriend keeps bothering you to build an addition because Samuel Miller invented a Circular Saw. Everywhere you look, a Volcano is erupting.

1800-to-1900 Restaurants are finally washing lettuce but the silverware weighs 30 pounds. If you were a part of an empire, it just collapsed. You spent all day digging a canal and, suddenly, you don't feel so hot. There is finally Football, but no 'Sunday Ticket'.

1900-to-present Nachos and Snow Tires. Thanks to plastics and wiring, I can yell at an 8-year old in Prague that he made me die in HALO. We're so spoiled by scented detergent that someone has to invent unscented detergent. I can use the bathroom during the commercial break. If my wife starts crying, I can pause 'Die Hard'. The Bills suck but Red Robin keeps bringing you more French Fries. Paula Abdul leaves 'Idol'. If the Mayans were right, you've only got 2 years to finish that novel.
The facts speak for themselves. There is no better time to be 92-years old.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Salt As a Present

My wife got me a Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp for my birthday. Salt Rocks release negative ions into the air when they come into contact with moisture. I was shooing the negative ions out the window until my wife explained to me that they're a good thing.

You see, negative ions attach themselves to pollen, mold, and fart particles and destroy them without prejudice.

If you still don't understand, I'll explain it in laymans' terms.

Picture Tom Berenger in "The Substitute". Now, Tom Berenger is the 'negative ion' and the students running an illegal drug operation through Tom Berenger's High School are the 'air particles that cause colds and famine'.

Tom Berenger is not going to just sit there and let dirty air particles mess up his school. He's an ex-marine. Plus, there are a couple of good air particles who are there to learn.

So Tom Berenger smashes some of the bad air particles in the throat with chairs. He throws one of them out of the library window. He beats the crap out of Wolfson while two guys making Jai-Alai rackets just sit there and watch. Then he finds out Wilson from Ghostbusters, one of the good air particles who was the principal, is actually running the whole drug operation.

What would you do if you were Tom Berenger?

You'd kill Wilson from Ghostbusters to purify the air.

I love my new Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp. I've already added 3 inches to my vertical jump with all of the negative ions killing dander and making the air easier to jump through. I plan on bringing a 300-foot orange extension cord down to the basketball courts so I can plug in my Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp and dunk on some Herb's mold-infested head.

I find myself driving through neighborhoods and watching other people open their birthday presents. I hope they enjoy their 'Beatles Rock Band' as the Dust Mites infiltrate their ear canals and shorten their lifespan. I'll be home curled up in bed with my Salt Lamp, cackling laughter. Living forever.

And, Yes. Mold-infested is hyphenated so don't bother opening a new window to look it up.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Amusement Parks Are Breeding Grounds For Fun

I recently visited one of the Amusement Parks in the Western New York area. Luckily, I brought a pen and pad of paper to keep track of some staggering statistics.

Number of Important Safety announcements coherently communicated by Park Staff over the PA: Zero
Percentage of English-speaking Patrons: 53%
Number of Noticeably Pregnant Women in line to go on a Roller Coaster with a 200-foot drop: One
Number of Couples making love in the Men's room, 15-feet from the Kiddy Rides: One, possibly two.
Number of Band-Aids lying on Park Grounds: Eleven
Percentage of People with Tattoos on their throat: 37%
Percentage of Men pushing strollers who still wished to be alive: 17%
Percentage of People wearing T-shirts with words on them: 96%
Percentage of People with no shirt: 4%
Percentage of People in Park who might be considered attractive: 1%
Number of Patrons urinating while waiting in line for a ride: Three
Number of 2-year olds seemingly left unattended for over 10 minutes while the parents rode the Scrambler: One
Number of times hearing a Ride Attendant yell at kids to get off of the Waiting Line Rails: Countless
Number of Pounds I weigh: 211 lbs.
Number of Pounds guessed by 'Birthday, Age, Weight Game' Guy: 184lbs.
Number of times I walked by a Corn Dog Stand and bought a Corn Dog: Zero
Number of times I felt Regret: Countless

Monday, May 11, 2009

Do I Have the Chops?

I've always wondered if I could make it as a Hollywood writer.

I've never submitted jokes to Leno or wrote a 'Murphy Brown', but I've kicked around some ideas. One involved Jimmy Fallon and Drew Barrymore ruining the Red Sox 2004 World Series win by dancing around on the field, but someone beat me to that.

A big problem would be coming up with a winning concept for a sitcom, and then having to keep the ideas flowing season to season.

Watching re-runs of 'Home Improvement' has left me doubting myself. These guys were pro's.

Take Tim 'the Tool Man' Taylor's neighbor 'Wilson'. They decided early on that it would be a good idea to never show his whole face. But the series lasted for 9 seasons.

That's 9 seasons of writing clever ways to show only half of a guy's face. Examples of brilliance include: a fence, ski masks and eating cotton candy. How would I have kept that streak going?
I decided to see if I could write some 'Wilson' scenarios that would allow America to enjoy the show without having to see all of Earl Hindman.

Scenario 1- Tim digs a moat around his house and fills it with sulfuric acid. Wilson accidentally dips half of his face into the moat while doing hand-stand push-ups.

Scenario 2- Wilson becomes a Coke fiend and is constantly making out with hookers with big hair.

Scenario 3- Wilson is knocked unconscious with a boat oar and wakes up thinking he's the 1992-93 version of Pat Lafontaine; wearing the jaw protection shield that covers the bottom half of his face.

Scenario 4- Wilson and the middle Taylor kid that no one likes get into a machete fight. Wilson kills him, but not before that mullet-headed brat gets in a good face-gash. Wilson is then forced to wear bandages for the next week of 'court case' shows.

Scenario 5- Wilson loses all of his money after Tim accidentally burns down his house with road flares. To supplement his income, Wilson gets a tattoo on the lower half of his face.

Scenario 6- Tim's wife bakes Wilson a big cake and he sits down behind it.

I was thinking about mailing these in, just in case Wilson gets his own spin-off show. Feel free to send along your suggestions. There's a good chance a new 'Wilson' show would last decades, so I want to have as much fuel as possible.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Or, You Can Shoot Me in the Face

(Editor's Note- If you haven't seen the movie 'Marley and Me', or are a huge fan of grammar, don't read this article.)

My wife and I were out to rent a movie the other night. We wanted something fun and light. The back of the 'Marley and Me' box said, "The #1 Family Comedy".

I had no idea that American Families found the slow, painful death of Golden Retrievers so hilarious. I can't wait for the side-splitting sequel to 'Marley and Me' where a litter of kittens gets lost in the woods and then stumbles onto the Interstate during rush hour.

'Marley and Me' is the most dramatic, depressing movie I have ever seen. It makes 'Beaches' look like 'Weekend at Bernie's'.

Here's an idea. Let's take a beautiful creature and allow an audience to fall in love with it for 60 minutes. Then, we'll rip out everybody's soul with a solid 7 minute scene of a man saying goodbye to his best friend while poison courses through its veins, ending its life.

If you had plans to gather the kids around the tube for some 'Marley and Me', be prepared to explain to them why dogs die. It's bound to come up in conversation. Also, buy them black eye liner and Depeche Mode CD's, because they're going to turn into depressed, EMO's who hate you for the rest of their lives for renting 'Marley and Me'.

You might want to just eliminate the middle man, go out and buy a puppy, and then beat it in front of them.

The worst part of burning a Saturday night on "Marley and Me" was the fact that my wife fell asleep 30 minutes into the movie. So, when I got to the scene of an aged Marley sleeping with the kids in the bunk bed, I was alone in the dark, absolutely bawling my eyes out. I actually had to try and restrain myself from shaking, so as to not wake up my wife.

The next day, I'm in the shower and she's in the bathroom getting ready for work. She casually asks, "How was the ending to 'Marley and Me'." And I started crying all over again while explaining it to her. I'm pretty sure that any chance I had of being the dominant member of this marriage is gone. It's a good thing that we don't have a gardener.

If you're not a dog-lover, this blog will not connect with you. I guess, try to picture Brett Hull skating around the H.S.B.C. Arena with the Stanley Cup, and then running up into the stands and making out with your Dad. If that doesn't work as an analogy, I'm out of ideas.

I'm being unfair. 'Marley and Me' is an excellent movie. It just hurts so bad.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Do Your Research

No one likes living with regret. Think of how bad the Sabres want back four games against Atlanta. You would think I would learn from their mistake and try harder in life. Sadly, that is not the case.

My wife and I, for the first time, used one of those DVD vending machines Sunday night. The selection was vast and there was a line behind us, so we rushed to pick a movie. I remembered seeing ads for the movie '10,000 B.C.' and it looked decent. She, under pressure, agreed so we swiped and carried it home.

Then I got home and opened up the case for a movie called '100 Million B.C.'. The lead actor was Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties. It was a movie made for television and, quite possibly, the worst thing ever burned onto a disc.

Here's the plot: An army scientist (Michael Gross) discovers time travel in the 1940's and sends his brother back 70 million years. He can't get him back. 60 years later, he sends a bunch of soldiers to 70 million B.C. to bring his brother back to the present.

Problem #1- They go 70 million years into the past in a movie called '100 Million B.C.'. They're off by 30 million years.
Problem #2 They don't just go back 60 years to talk Michael Gross out of sending his brother back in time.
Problem #3- Michael Gross is the star of the movie.
Problem #3- No nudity
Problem #4- A dinosaur jumps up and eats a helicopter.
Problem #5- A man kills a pterodactyl with a prehistoric bow and arrow.
Problem #6- The special effects rival the original 'King Kong'.
Problem #7- I rented it...and, because I used a card, the government knows I rented it.

I am well aware of the fact that they specifically named the movie '100 Million B.C.' for the sole purpose of duping people like me into renting it, thinking it was 10,000 B.C.

On the bright side, there is no chance that the hour and a half of my life wasted while viewing this movie would have been spent doing anything constructive.

Sunday, March 22, 2009


When I was a kid, I was afraid of ghosts. My dad was always in the basement fixing televisions proving that he was not afraid of the ghosts down there. So, I assumed that people out-grew their fear of ghosts.

That is not the case. I am still afraid of ghosts. When I’m alone in the house, I throw wrenches at the closet. When the phone rings, I answer it crying. I can’t go to the beach because of the beach ghosts.

My dad is so lucky. He did not grow up in a time of advanced special effects from the cinematic industry. His imagination couldn’t create the kind of demonic, messed-up bullshit that my mind can create. My dad probably doesn’t know about the demons that rape families.

I tried to make my own ghost-busting backpack but the fucking government is all over my ass about the proton acceleration. So, I’m suing them.

How come ghosts only hang out in basements and creepy abandoned places? If you had the power to go anywhere you wanted, wouldn't you haunt Dave and Busters? It shows how fucking stupid ghosts are. Sometimes I change the channel when something interesting is on television, just in case there's a ghost in the room who was trying to watch over my shoulder. They hate that.

In the movies, ghosts always get people who are showering or making love, so I’ve decided to stop doing both. I’d love to see those fuckers’ faces while I sit here all smelly and celibate.
And if you’re a hot chic sent by the ghosts to make love to me in the shower, forget it. I’m not falling for it.

So, it's on, ghosts! You fuckers have hung out in my basement making noises long enough. Stop making the microwave clock run slow and I'll stop hanging around getting drunk on Sundays and writing about how much I hate you.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

After the Final Rose Blog

(Warning! Parts of this blog are so emotional and so dramatic that we've decided to present it without a live studio audience to make things as intimate as possible.)

Last night, Jason Mesnick 'The Bachelor', completed his quest to find the one true love of his life and the mother that would help him raise his three-year old son. It was the most dramatic season finale in 'Bachelor' long as 'dramatic' now means 'contrived' and 'shallow'.

For those of you who didn't watch 'The Bachelor' Monday night, here is what happened:

- Jason had to choose between Melissa and Molly.
- Jason chose Melissa, the former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.
- After the show, on the traditional follow-up episode where they check on the happy couple, Jason dumped Melissa and went back to Molly.

What a fairy tale ending.

It was a pretty intense episode. They filmed the finale in New Zealand. It's a good idea, when deciding who you're going to spend the rest of your life with, to do it in a gorgeous vacation destination. I could just picture the happy couple 6 months after the show is over. They're at Block Buster trying to decide between 'Sister Act 2' and 'The Abyss' and she's all like, "The idea of living with you was a lot better when a network limo driver used to shuttle us around between Helicopter rides over the Grand Canyon and Hot Tub fantasy dates."

Jason introduced both girls to his son, Ty. He then brought both girls to meet his family. This witch named Deanna, 'The Bachlorette from two seasons ago who dumped Jason, comes back to get a couple more minutes on camera. She offered Jason a quickie. He declined. After that, Jason had one more chance to dry-hump each contestant before making his "final" decision.

I love the fact that, for the entire season, Jason preached on and on about how important it was for the girl he chose to be right for his son. Ty is the most important thing in his life and he can't be with a girl unless she clicked with him. So, he takes Ty to the beach and let's each girl spend an hour throwing Ty a frisbee. That seems like a solid gauge on how she'll treat Ty for the next 40 years, "Throw Ty a frisbee...Oh She's perfect!"

The moments after Jason proposed to Melissa were excruciatingly awkward to watch. Some dude in a headset pushes the 3-year old onto the set so we can see the dramatic moment of little Ty sharing the happiness with his Dad and Dad's new bride-to-be. Ty goes running up to give his dad a hug and Melissa, thrilled that she won the game-show, tries to grab the kid to hug him. Ty went flying past her like she was a complete stranger. I'm guessing it's because she was a complete stranger.

At least 4 times in the final 3 minutes they show Melissa trying to hug this clueless 3-year old who wants nothing to do with her and will have to spend the next 18-years in therapy because his dad wanted to be on T.V. again.

The 'After the Rose' show begins immediately after the season finale of 'The Bachelor'. Normally, they just interview the couple in front of a live audience to see how their relationship is developing.

Chris, the host of the show, announces that there will be no live audience because of how "dramatic" the events to follow will be. Jason comes out for a short one-on-one. He's sad because he's only had one girl to rub abs with for awhile and he's getting sick of her. Then they bring Melissa out so he can dump her on National Television. I'm not sure if I believe that she didn't know she was going out there to be dumped, but the whole thing seemed convincing.

They push Melissa into an ABC limo because it wasn't embarrassing enough to be dumped on National Television, they need to capture her heartbreak on camera during the car ride home. Then, they bring Molly back on stage so Jason can ask her if coming in second place is okay. They agree to date for 6 months until Jason gets sick of her. Roll credits.

It was the perfect ending to the worst season in 'Bachelor' history. I'm getting choked up just thinking about how I have to go through the rest of the year without watching heartless people manipulate each other. To get my fix, I plan to go down to the kennel to punch stray puppies in the face.

There is one more 'After the Rose' episode tonight. Unless the world ends. (fingers crossed)

Friday, February 27, 2009

100 Million Dollars

I don't play the lottery, so I'll never have $100 million. Unless, I'm holding a cheeseburger and Albert Haynesworth and I are stranded in a desert. Then I could sell the cheeseburger to him for $100 million. It pays to always have a cheeseburger somewhere on your person.

As sports fans, we're no stranger to these ludicrous deals given to athletes. In tough economic times though, $100 million contracts tend to seem even more absurd.

So instead of being jealous, I'll just dwell on the good things about not having 100 million dollars. Here are the reasons why I'm glad that I'm poor:
- No one wants to talk to me ever.
- When I do my taxes, it takes one sheet of paper. And there's zero chance the government ever knocks on my door to find out how I can afford my couch.
- If I accidentally leave a rake on my front lawn, my neighbors don't grab it and stab themselves in the face so they can sue me.
- I don't have to get a personalized liscense plate.
- When struggling people I've never met can't afford medication for their sick children, they don't think of me with hatred in their hearts.
- I don't have to put up with all of those moody super-models.
- If a strange drunk guy hands me a one hundred dollar bill, I won't be annoyed.
- I'll never have to send out emails to people, asking them to hold onto my fortune because I'm in danger of losing it to my corrupt, foreign government.
- Zero Expectations!!!!!

I hope this list helps you get through these trying times of NFL Free Agency.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

ABC Is A Big Ole' Pimp

ABC's 'The Bachelor' is a swanky, stream-lined game of 'Spin the Bottle' and America is watching.

When we last left our hero, Jason Mesnick, he had his field of 25 ladies narrowed down to 3. And the best soft-core pornography was still in store.

If you don't watch 'The Bachelor', I'll get you up to speed on the show:
- One man sends ABC a video of himself, showing his abs, and asks the network to make him the next 'Bachelor' contestant.
- ABC chooses 25 women, 7 of them completely insane, and sends them to California or Rome to battle with each other for the right to pretend like they're in love with a total stranger.
- 'The Bachelor' makes out with said skanks while telling the camera that he's just looking for a Mom for his infant son that he's abandoned during the taping of the season.
- The final contestant agrees to marry 'The Bachelor' and they date for 6 months until a domestic abuse charge tears the relationship apart.

Now that you're almost caught up, here's what you missed Monday:
Each of the three girls travel to New Zealand to spend one day with Jason. The initial arrangement calls for the girls to sleep in a separate suite. ABC then puts the girls on the spot by having them open an envelope and reading, on national television, an invitation to sleep in the same room with 'The Bachelor'. 'The Bachelor' then has sex with them, we can only assume. The next day, he dumps one of them.

Monday's show was awesome. Jason kept talking about how he wanted each girl to let their guard down and tell him how they really felt. This led to incredibly awkward scenes of the finalists trying to ramble through their fake heart-felt speeches, followed by Jason saying absolutely nothing.

To paraphrase:
- Attention Seeking Tramp- "...I know I keep my guard up and it's hard when you're competing with these other girls, but I am generating feelings. I do think we have a connection and.....I'm falling for you."
- Jason- "....okay. Thanks."

If you're keeping score at home, Mellissa, the former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, and Molly are the two remaining girls.Jillian from Canada was just sent home after having sex with Jason. Apparently, that didn't go well. I liked Jillian. I was rooting for her to win. Of course, I have never had sex with her.

My wife asks me why I'm so hard on the contestants and 'The Bachelor' himself. He does not, admittedly, seem like a bad guy.
Here's my response:
I believe that a person could think the idea of going on a T.V. show and meeting a mate is a good idea. I do not believe that dating someone six times with several other attractive men/women also dating that person, while not able to communicate in a regular fashion because the entire interaction is being taped by a cameraman three feet away and then broadcast to millions of people on television, is a good way to find a mate.

Jason went through this process once as a contestant, and then decided it would be a good idea to put 25 women through the same torture he endured when he was dumped on National Television. He's either a homicidal maniac or an attention starved whore.

Next week: I'll tell you why Deanna, last season's Bachelorette, is the worst human being to ever walk on God's Earth. That's why I hate everything about this show.

I spell-checked this blog and my computer doesn't recognize the word 'skank'. My computer is so naive to the real world.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Failing the Test

Have you ever wondered how you would perform if pushed?

As man grown man, I often wondered how I would fare if someone came at me in a dark parking lot. Would I panic and throw my wallet at my assailant or show some moxie and put up the dukes? If a crazed German Sheppard came charging out at me in the street, would I run for the nearest car or feed it my left arm and go for the eyes with my right?

Last night, I was set to watch American Idol while recording Canadiens/ Bruins on Versus at the same time. It turns out my wife was also recording the Biggest Loser, so one of the shows had to be missed and I didn't even offer up a whimper.

Basically, I watched two hours of horrible reality television while taping an inevitable two different hours of horrible reality television. I did get even though. After she fell asleep while cuddling on the couch, I lifted the remote control and dropped it on her head. When she woke up, startled, I pretended like it was an accident.

It's all about sacrifices.

If you missed episode 1 of Idol from Arizona I have the highlights:

- They kept showing footage of cacti and sunshine from Phoenix. Sure, citizens of that fine city are happy being warm and comfortable, but they probably get sick of all of that sun. Can you imagine not owning a jacket? I don't even remember what it's like to open my front door and not have my testicles retreat into my body because of sub-zero temperatures. I spent hours blow-drying plastic over my windows this winter so I can stand in my kitchen without getting frostbite. I'd like to thank my ancestors for choosing to settle in an uninhabitable city. They couldn't walk a few hundred miles south?

- The new judge, Kara, is hot but I don't like her very much at I'm guessing she's perfect for the show.

- People always have gimmicks and costumes to make sure they get in front of the camera and to improve their chances of going to Hollywood. There was a plastic chic who auditioned in a bikini and advanced to Hollywood despite a lack of talent. I doubt that she'll go through her entire life and ever face any real adversity. I hope she gets a skin rash and then accidentally falls into a bear trap and dies four days later when nobody hears her cries for help.

- I always feel stupid when one of the contestants starts singing and I think that they sound good, but then the judges rip them apart. I don't have room for this sort of anxiety in my life.

- They rolled out a very nice, blind piano player for the final contestant of the night. No way this dude doesn't make it to the Final Four this season. Who's not voting for the blind guy? "Hi. My name's Ron. I've got a fresh sound. I live out of my van and have dedicated my life to sharing my music with the world." Well, sorry Ron. This guy's blind. I'm voting for him.

- Take a moment to seek out some of the joke contestants from the first night on the web. I usually hate that part of the show, but I was laughing out loud at some of the rejects Tuesday night. The dude with the really deep voice is my new hero.

- Real musicians write their own music and work their entire lives to perfect their craft, not their image. Just a reminder.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Ugliest Bachelor Season Ever

I can't repost pictures from the wgr550 website, so here's a link to my latest blog.

Hope you enjoy. Sorry about the link.