Or, You Can Shoot Me in the Face

(Editor's Note- If you haven't seen the movie 'Marley and Me', or are a huge fan of grammar, don't read this article.)

My wife and I were out to rent a movie the other night. We wanted something fun and light. The back of the 'Marley and Me' box said, "The #1 Family Comedy".

I had no idea that American Families found the slow, painful death of Golden Retrievers so hilarious. I can't wait for the side-splitting sequel to 'Marley and Me' where a litter of kittens gets lost in the woods and then stumbles onto the Interstate during rush hour.

'Marley and Me' is the most dramatic, depressing movie I have ever seen. It makes 'Beaches' look like 'Weekend at Bernie's'.

Here's an idea. Let's take a beautiful creature and allow an audience to fall in love with it for 60 minutes. Then, we'll rip out everybody's soul with a solid 7 minute scene of a man saying goodbye to his best friend while poison courses through its veins, ending its life.

If you had plans to gather the kids around the tube for some 'Marley and Me', be prepared to explain to them why dogs die. It's bound to come up in conversation. Also, buy them black eye liner and Depeche Mode CD's, because they're going to turn into depressed, EMO's who hate you for the rest of their lives for renting 'Marley and Me'.

You might want to just eliminate the middle man, go out and buy a puppy, and then beat it in front of them.

The worst part of burning a Saturday night on "Marley and Me" was the fact that my wife fell asleep 30 minutes into the movie. So, when I got to the scene of an aged Marley sleeping with the kids in the bunk bed, I was alone in the dark, absolutely bawling my eyes out. I actually had to try and restrain myself from shaking, so as to not wake up my wife.

The next day, I'm in the shower and she's in the bathroom getting ready for work. She casually asks, "How was the ending to 'Marley and Me'." And I started crying all over again while explaining it to her. I'm pretty sure that any chance I had of being the dominant member of this marriage is gone. It's a good thing that we don't have a gardener.

If you're not a dog-lover, this blog will not connect with you. I guess, try to picture Brett Hull skating around the H.S.B.C. Arena with the Stanley Cup, and then running up into the stands and making out with your Dad. If that doesn't work as an analogy, I'm out of ideas.

I'm being unfair. 'Marley and Me' is an excellent movie. It just hurts so bad.