Monday, February 25, 2013

Bachelor Recap- Having Sex With Three Women and Then Dumping One of Them

Did you know that you can’t completely stop your breathing on purpose? Your body will not allow it. You pass out after 3-or-4 minutes, and then, your stupid involuntarily active brain takes control and makes your lungs work again. I know this because I tried to hold my breath forever while shoe shopping with my wife Monday evening, knowing that I still had a 2-hour torture-fest waiting on my DVR when I got home. Did you know that the DSW in the Galleria Mall has 400,093 shoes on display and that none of them please my wife? Did you know that, when you don’t have a cell phone, the only thing to do while shoe shopping is to stand there? Did you know that no one at the DSW store in the Galleria Mall was nice enough to murder me, despite my pleading glares? Did you know any of this?

Sean Lowe is almost a normal human being. He’s down to 3 girlfriends, Catherine, AshLee, and Lindsay. ABC has flown the fun bunch to Si Kao, Thailand so that Sean can have sex with all three of his girlfriends and then dump one of them. Its Fantasy Suite week, baby! 

Sean is a huge ‘God’ guy, so it’s not automatically assumed that he’s going to have sex with three women; until you consider his interview with Chris Harrison last week, when Harrison asked Sean if he was going to use the Fantasy Suites to have sex and Sean said “None of your business.” If someone asks me if I’m going to have sex (almost no one does) and I’m not going to have sex, I say, “No”. If someone asks me if I’m going to have sex, and I am, I say, “None of your business”.

We begin this week’s episode of everyone’s favorite Game Show with Sean thinking on a boat. He says, “It’s amazing to think that I’m down to three girls.” It’s more amazing to think about how he’s never contracted pneumonia when he never wears a shirt.

Sean is worried about dumping one of his girlfriends. He’ll feel better when he has sex with them all. Sean does more thinking and they just flash all over the place. It’s hard to keep up. First, Sean is in a hammock. Then, just as I get comfortable with the idea of Sean being in a hammock, Boom! Sean is thinking next to a fountain. We’re four minutes in and I’m already sweating.

ABC rolls out a ton of footage of stuff we’ve already seen because they didn’t do enough of that during their horse-crap interview special last week. Sean talks about his girlfriends with interspersed clips. There are ghosts of past slurpy make-out sessions and memories of Sean taking his shirt off a couple of times.

Two highlights of the re-hash-a-thon:
1. Sean talks about Catherine and how, “We have a romantic connection that is off the charts”. I don’t think that using the phrase ‘off the charts’ is romantic.
2. Sean, on Lindsay, “She’s so much more than the crazy girl in a wedding dress that I met on that first night.”

10 minutes in, ABC has told us 8 times what is about to happen during this episode, but they refuse to actually show us. ABC is a tease.

Lindsay gets the first date. Lindsay is excited because, last week she told Sean that she was falling in love with him and, this week, she’s going to tell Sean that she is in love with him. That’s some week! You just go along, and you’re falling, and then, boom! Love!

Sean doesn’t have laces in his sneakers so, I’m hoping they don’t get attacked by Thailand hoodlums, forcing them to run. It’s very hard to run without laces in your sneakers. Why doesn’t Sean have laces? Is it because he’s on suicide watch? I should be the one in lace less sneakers.

Sean and Lindsay ride a motorcycle go-cart through Thailand. Sean asked Lindsay if she wants to have fun. She says, “Yes, but I won’t eat a bug” so, there will be bug-eating. They pet some painted chickens and learn to say ‘Thank You’ in Thailand talk. They shop on T.V. and it’s super interesting. I love watching shopping so much more than doing it.

Because there are no buildings around to climb, they eat bugs. Lindsay doesn’t want to do it but is inspired by her brave boyfriend. Sean talks about how he wants a fun life, so it’s cool that his future wife won’t refuse to eat bugs with him. They eat chicken feet while Sean tells the camera that this is what he wants in a marriage. I did it for the financial support, but chicken feet are good too.

Next, they sit on a beach and talk, and there’s talking. Then, they make out. It’s loud. It’s about time because I waited, like, 18 minutes. They feed some wild monkeys to prepare each other for a real life together. The sun sets, just in time for more making out. Sean’s shirt came off with no warning. Lindsay still hasn’t told Sean she loves him and I’m tired of waiting. I feel like it will never happen.

They go to a flower boat or something. Are you even still reading?

Sean talks more and my wife thinks that Lindsay is the winner. She says that she can see it in Sean’s eyes. I wasn’t even looking at Sean because his shirt is on. Lindsay is just about to tell Sean that she loves him when a Thailand parade begins. I hate when that happens. People with long fingernails play annoying music and dance. I’m not a big fan of Thailand.

Sean pulls out a sex envelope. Inside, Chris Harrison has penned a written request for Sean and Lindsay to have sex with each other in a fantasy suite. I know they don’t technically have to make sex but, I also know that Sean told America that it’s none of their business. It really is none of my business. I wish this entire show was none of my business.

Lindsay finally says, “I love you” and some Lionel Ritchie type music blasts through the speakers at deafening levels. So, it’s settled. Lindsay loves Sean. Relief washes over my entire body.
AshLee gets the next date. She has only told Sean she loves him 48 times, so we’ll see if she has the guts to tell him a 49th time.

AshLee says, “Words can’t express the overwhelming joy that I have when I’m with him.”, not realizing that she just used words to express that joy. AshLee loves that ABC has Sean take her on so many adventures.
AshLee gets a boat ride to some remote rock islands and I’m guessing Lindsay will be jealous watching this from home after being forced to eat crickets.

AshLee and Sean are going to swim through a cave to get to a private beach on which they will make out. AshLee lets us know how much she isn’t looking forward to this by saying, “I don’t do caves.” Then, she compares swimming through a cave to falling in love and I throw my remote control on the ground. This show is ridiculously stupid. 

AshLee talks about how she’s scared to go through a cave because she was abandoned when she was a child. While, that must have been tough, she needs to shut up. Just swim through the cave. Not everything is about your childhood. She uses more analogies than you can shake a stick at.

They swim through their boring cave of boredom. AshLee isn’t even really scared. You can’t understand what they’re saying because ABC didn’t properly mic the cave.

To compensate, ABC ups the drama with music that you would use as a Soundtrack for a murdering spree. It’s scary because, it’s just Sean and AshLee alone in a cave with a life preserver, a floatation device, some tour guides, some Emergency responders, 3 camera men, and a small production crew. They’re all alone… like AshLee… when she was a child.

They make it to the other side of the cave and make out. Sean compares swimming in a cave to falling in love. AshLee tells us all how she’s a new person because she swam. I now hate AshLee. HATE her. I’m so sick of her talking. I don’t care how much she’s suffered because she obviously doesn’t care about how much I have to suffer while listening to her gush over a man who she’s known for a month and who is dating 2 other women. AshLee is an idiot.

ABC somehow makes it rain while they’re making out. Unless, it was God who made it rain because he’s excited about all of the sex his buddy Sean will soon be having.

AshLee says, “Every part of my being loves Sean.” I guess even the part of her being that makes her need to pee loves Sean. She loves Sean with her kidneys and her teeth. 

They sit in their Thailand hut and say nice things about each other. It’s sappy. They talk about being engaged and how being engaged means that they’ll spend the rest of their lives together. They must not read People magazine. I spend that time trying to figure out what is written on AshLee’s necklace. It’s a gold word, but I can’t figure out what it says. I’ve narrowed it down to ‘Impact’, ‘Gypsyest’, or ‘Quisp’. If she has the name of a cereal that only three people have heard of around her neck, I might like her again.

Sean pulls out Chris Harrison’s sex invitation and hands it to AshLee. AshLee is nervous about their love shack encounter. Sean assures her that they’ll just talk all night. Lindsay is worried about how it’ll come across, but she agrees to spend the night with Sean. What they do next is none of your business.
 Catherine gets the next date. She’s getting dumped by Sean soon, so I’ll try to pay close attention to everything she says. 

They take a boat ride and talk about how silly they are together. It’s true. They’re ridiculously silly. I’m having trouble typing because I’ve got the giggles. You should see these two. It’s adorable.
They talk and, there’s talking. Catherine’s wine glass is big enough to keep a nurse shark. The topic turns to real stuff like life and things get real.  Catherine wants Sean to know she’s ready to get married and says, “My best friend is married, so I can tell her anything.” I didn’t know that happened when you got married. No one tells me anything. They make out.

Catherine and Sean jump off of their boat into the ocean. Before they jump off of the boat, Catherine makes a point about how she’s ready to jump into love. I hope that every Producer in charge of this show is currently afflicted with a skin rash. Catherine and Sean snorkel.

Catherine is nervous because she hasn’t told Sean she loves him and the Game Show is almost over. It’s like she doesn’t even want to win.

The sex invitation is next. Catherine has values and morals that prevent her from being completely comfortable accepting Chris Harrison’s sex invitation, but not uncomfortable making out with a guy who’s lips still smell of the other two women he just made out with.

Sean admires Catherine’s traditional values. He’s excited to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite to do “None of your Business”. Catherine accepts Chris Harrison’s sex invitation. They make out.

The dates are over, the sex has been had and, it’s time to dump a girlfriend. While contemplating who to dump, Sean fixes his hair with his shirt off in front of the mirror. Luckily, a camera records it all. It’s a good 12 seconds of hair fixin’. This man is focused.

Chris Harrison, who worked his ass off last week with that super long interview, digs deep for another heart-to-heart with Sean. Harrison is a laborer. He wrote three sex invitations and now has another interview. He’s like the Lou Gehrig of dating shows. (Sports quota filled) I wonder if, someday, there will be a ‘Chris Harrison’ disease.

Sean tells Chris Harrison that he’s found his wife and will propose at the end of the season, without mentioning how much pressure ABC has put on him to propose to one of his girlfriends. Sean knows who he has to dump this week, but still has to sit through three video messages from his girlfriends. They each beg Sean not to dump him.

After the commercial, Sean says that he thinks he knows who he’s sending home, 3 minutes after telling Chris Harrison that he KNEW who he was sending home. Which is it, Chris? Do you know, or do you think you know? I don’t think Sean is here for the right reasons.

The video messages are stupid. The show is stupid, so it’s all relative, but there are levels of stupid. This level is orange. AshLee doesn’t even make it through her stupid video without crying. A major television network doesn’t bother to show us the edited version without all of the snot and tears. We quickly learn why.

The cameras cut to Sean with a super pained look on his face. ABC is trying to tell us that he’s going to send AshLee home. Those tricksters! No way he is sending AshLee home. He’s sending Catherine home. It’s classic Bachelor misdirection. I take back that ‘skin rash’ thing, Bachelor Producers. You guys are hilariously trickstery.

It’s raining for the rose ceremony and Sean says it’s raining because he’s about to dump someone. Sean is not aware of how weather works. Chris Harrison warns the girls that one of them is about to be dumped. Sean walks in to dump one. He’s wearing a suit coat with a handkerchief in the pocket. You don’t really see handkerchiefs anymore. I guess if I was a guy who was constantly dumping girlfriends, I would keep a handkerchief handy. 

Sean tells the girls about how he got dumped on his Bachelor journey with Emily Maynard at this point in the show and just how painful it was. Then, he dumps AshLee. Boom! Sean doesn’t do it fast. It takes 8 minutes. It’s a grueling 8 minutes. ABC’s dramatic music CD almost ran out. 

AshLee is not happy about being dumped. She storms out (IT’S STORMY OUTSIDE! OMG!) AshLee doesn’t want Sean to explain himself.

He apologizes for dumping her. Sean gives a long-winded explanation about connections and pain. AshLee says, “Alright” and then gets into the dump mobile. 

She’s acts kind of psychotic. AshLee turns around in the back seat of her dump mobile somehow and cries, making it hard for cameras to capture her dumpedness.

AshLee says that this wasn’t a silly game to her. To clarify, a girl who signed up to be on a show where a man dates 25 women, takes them to milk goats and polar bear plunge, makes out with one of them for 4 minutes straight, climbs down buildings with them, has them roller derby, and constantly plays jokes on them like convincing them they’ve broken priceless pieces of art, wasn’t into silly games. It’s good to know. I would not have wanted AshLee’s integrity to have been challenged.

AshLee is pretty mad. It’s a good thing she didn’t have sex with Sean in a Fantasy Suite dressed up by a television network with candles and pillows. She did spend a considerable amount of time telling Sean her ring size and gushing to a camera about how much she loved him. I hope she wasn’t in a bar with a lot of people watching this episode back. There would be a lot of whistling people in that bar.

Sean is sad and sits in front of a fountain again to be sad. I think it’s the same fountain he sat at to think about who to dump but, I’m not sure. I’ve never been to Thailand. Sean is sad, though. You see it. He sits there with his hands clasped and acts sad. It’s still raining and now I understand love.

As the credits roll, Catherine and Sean do math and giggle. Next week is the worst thing on Earth. It’s the ‘Women Tell All’ episode. Why does everyone involved with this show feel the need to constantly tell all? Don’t tell all. Tell nothing.

My wife did eventually find shoes. They were on sale. Thank you so much for asking.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Bachelor Recap- Recapping a Recap (Greg just wrote a title and then commented on the title)

I recap the Bachelor, and I have absolutely no idea what’s going on. Who is Sean? What’s a rose? Who can’t control their eyebrow? I’m not sure. Luckily, ABC hates America enough to roll out a special 1-hour ‘Tell All’ interview, featuring everyone’s favorite rose-count warner, Chris Harrison and everyone’s favorite shirtless guy, Sean Lowe. I said I wasn’t going to recap this mess, but I also tell cashiers that there is only one muffin in my deli bag (Attn. Recap Insiders:  There are 2 muffins inside of my deli bag!)

Chris Harrison calls tonight’s show a very special ‘Tell All’ episode. Chris Harrison has a different definition of ‘special’ than me. I think special means ‘Not the worst thing ever’. Chris Harrison thinks that ‘special’ means ‘something unspecial you’ve already watched before’. I think Chris Harrison’s definition of special is stupid.

Chris Harrison says that Sean is going to “tell all”. I hope he tells me why Major League Baseball won’t let me watch Pirate games in Buffalo. (Sports quota filled… also, I can re-use old jokes if ABC is just going to repeat crap.)

The good news about this recap is that you don’t actually have to read it. I didn’t have to watch this episode. I’ve already watched it. You already read about it. There is no new content. Chris and Sean just sat down and played clips. It’s like the ‘Family Ties’ where the Keaton family sat on the couch and talked about past episodes. There was a Kangaroo in my living room. Sorry about putting the ‘Family Ties’ theme in your head. I’ve been drinking.

We begin with Chris Harrison and Sean Lowe in a dark room. They are in suits and sitting in front of a raging fire and 4,000 candles. I’m sure that warmth is welcome considering they’re in the frigid climate of Los Angeles, California. Chris Harrison says, “It’s hard to believe we’re back here”. I don’t really understand what he means. If he means that it’s hard to believe this network would sink so low as to roll out a clip show and call it ‘very special’ then, yes, that’s a bit hard to believe. If he means that it’s hard to believe that they’re back in L.A. and talking about Sean’s journey instead of being sucked into the depths of Hell by the Devil for constantly torturing husbands with their bullshit program then, yes, that’s also a bit hard to believe.

“I had no idea I’d develop such strong feelings for 3 different women”. - Sean Lowe on his Bachelor journey. It’s also my yearbook quote. 

First, they talk about Sean dumping Desiree. Chris Harrison calls Desiree a fan favorite. They show Sean dumping Desiree and then they talk about it. I had a good idea how Sean felt about dumping Desiree because he just told me last night when I watched it happen. Then, I recapped it. Now, I’m recapping that recap. This is how it must feel to be in quicksand except, at least quicksand kills you.

Anyway, Sean continues to tell all. ABC shows the footage of Desiree’s brother being mean to Sean. Again, this is all fresh in my mind and I didn’t really need this very special episode, but I’m not the President of ABC. He or she knows best. I hope they are also in front of a fire, or possibly in it.

As we watch Sean have his character attacked by Desiree’s brother, Sean tells Chris Harrison that he had to restrain himself from fighting. He says, ”Anyone who knows me, knows that I’m the furthest thing from a playboy”. Even if you don’t think you’re technically a playboy, you should probably stay away from saying “furthest thing”. I think the furthest thing from a playboy would be a guy who was dating zero women, not 25 of them. I think someone who was far from being a playboy would typically have zero minutes of shirtless video aired on a National television broadcast, not hundreds of minutes of shirtless footage. I’m pretty sure a guy who was far from being a playboy would not make out with 6 women in one evening. The furthest thing from a playboy is currently playing ‘Call of Duty’ in his Mom’s basement while screaming at some kid on a headset and jamming Pizza Rolls past his green teeth. He’s not sitting on a hill with his girlfriend drinking wine and making out.

We are treated to some new, unreleased footage where Dez’s brother (she’s Dez for a second) actually laughed with Sean and said that he liked him. It’s unclear why Dez’s brother turned the tides. I’m guessing a Producer handed him an envelope, but I’m cynical.

Sean says that he isn’t sure if Dez’s brother ruined her chances of keeping her on the show. Thanksgiving should be fun at the Dez house. Sean says that he has all of the respect in the World for Dez, leaving no additional respect for our armed forces or pediatric surgeons.

Commercial break side note: Splash? Seriously? Just celebrities jumping into a pool? That’s a T.V. show? We couldn’t make those celebrities hand out blankets to homeless people or chase bears? If I find out that any one of you watched ‘Splash’, we’re not friends anymore.

We’re back from commercial and there is so much talking that it’s hard to keep up but, Chris Harrison is back in front of the fire with Sean and they’ve moved on to Sarah with one arm. Sean says that Sarah seemed so smart. I would beg to differ on that, but I’m not the Bachelor.

They re-hash ABC’s  one-armed  jump off of a building. They show Sean and Sarah talking. They show Sarah fall down 12 times while roller skating. Chris Harrison points out how Sarah wanted to fall down 12 times while roller skating and Sean agrees. Chris Harrison calls Sarah a fan favorite.

They show Sean kissing Sarah while not looking down at her nub. Then, they show Sean dumping her and her snot-filled goodbye. Again, I watched this all before and it is surprisingly less interesting the second time around.

Sean admits that he dumped Sarah because of her kiss. That should make her feel better watching from home. “Hey, dateless! I didn’t dump you because you had one arm. I dumped you because your kiss reminded me of a lifeless lump of mashed potatoes”. That ought to boost her self-esteem.
Chris Harrison says that, “Women that leave this show have learned a lot about themselves”. I think he’s right. I think that they learn that it’s probably not a good idea to look for love in a place where 24 other women are looking and, if you do want to fish in that pond, don’t tell the fisherman that his other fish are out of their minds. That’s a lesson from which we all can learn.

There is more repeat footage of big-boobed Selma, the Iraqi and Leslie the girl that kissed Sean for 4 minutes. The entire episode, ABC pops up tweets from viewers on the bottom of the screen. They refused to put up my tweet about Jochen Hecht. That questions my integrity. The tweets are all very nice and supportive of Sean. There’s nothing about how filthy this program is or how this super nice guy is going to have sex with a girl and then dump her next week.

Leslie’s recap is next. They show the slurpy-good kiss with Leslie. Seam says, “The chemistry was there, it was apparent and I think America felt it.” I felt the chemistry… in my pants. There is more unreleased footage of Sean and Leslie eating a brownie and talking dirty. I did not make that up. Chris Harrison calls Leslie a fan favorite. Sean admits that he may have kept Leslie if she told him that she loved him. It’s nice for her that she now gets to live the rest of her life full of regret. Good thing Sean is telling all.

The next commercial break features a Taco Bell chef showing how hard she and the Taco Bell crew worked to perfect their Cantina Steak Burrito and I’ll bet the 16-year old kids in the Taco Bells around the world will risk their lives to uphold that sacred integrity.

Chris Harrison and Sean are back in their chairs to continue to tell all. I can’t believe they’re going to fit it in an hour-long program. Tierra is the next topic. It’s pointless because we’ve already seen this but, again, I’m not in charge here. There is terrible Tierra footage and yelling and Sean says that he feels stupid for falling for Tierra’s game. I’m guessing it had something to do with her chest.

Chris Harrison brings up the criticism he’s read that Tierra is planted, and he and Sean laugh off the notion that Tierra’s place on the show was fake or forced. Chris Harrison fails to point out that his production crew purposely seeks out unstable personalities to build drama and then puts these personalities into situations with opposite personalities in an attempt to get everyone to cry. It’s not mentioned. I thought Sean was telling all!
There’s more footage and talking. They show some drunk girl. They show a girl roll up into a ball and sit in a wheel. The girl who always looked like she was trying to hold food in her mouth did a Chris Harrison impression. I think about punching a hole through my television until I consider how much better this show is than the Sabres game.

Sean finally starts telling all when Chris Harrison brings up the Fantasy Suite dates next week. Harrison hints at how America assumes there will be sex things going on in said suites. Sean does not tell all. He avoids the question. Harrison, always the professional, rephrases his sexy question and says, “You know the expectation for the overnight date. There’s a chance to be physical. What do you say to that?” Sean says, “I say, it’s really none of your business”, to which Harrison says, “A gentleman to the end”. So, to recap, when a host asks you if you’re going to sleep with 3 women and then dump one of them, and you say that it’s none of their business, you’re being a gentleman… to the end.

They end the show by previewing the rest of the season and they make it look like Sean dies in a cave and then gets left at the altar by the girl he chooses to be engaged to for six months. We know, of course, that these things don’t happen but, not because Sean told us that. He’s terrible at telling all.

While the credits roll, ABC plays porn music and shows us 3 solid minutes of Sean in the shower. I seriously wish I was kidding.

Bachelor Recap- Asking Four Guys to Marry Their Daughter

The worst show in television history hit a new low point on Monday night. It’s one thing to bring aboard Drama Queens and cattle prod them to act horrible and make other women cry, it’s another to stage a fight to make a tedious episode somewhat interesting. It wasn’t interesting. It was terrible.

The Bachelor churns out terrible like Milwaukee churns out beer. And, unfortunately for us all, there is no ‘Bachelor’ Lite. Its 80 proof Bachelor. I’m already drunk with hate.

Another season of The Bachelor is coming to a close. Sean Lowe has four girlfriends left and will meet their families tonight. I’m not sure how he will be able to continue to build connections without climbing down a wall of rock with his girlfriends or watching them canoe. I mean, who sits down to dinner and talks to the family of someone they could potentially marry? I don’t see the sense in it.

Desiree, Catherine, Lindsay and AshLee remain as contestants on America’s favorite Game Show. My computer still doesn’t know how to spell AshLee. Sean will go to their homes for some televised bonding.
AshLee gets the first visit in Texas. She’s an orphan, so Sean will meet her adopted family and her dog. Before going to AshLee’s house, the couple drinks alcohol on a blanket in a park, because that’s what Bachelors do.

AshLee is excited to show off her boyfriend to her family. She says, “To bring home this man, I’ve been excited about this for as far back as I can remember”. I can remember some things that happened to me when I was 3 or 4, it would have been a bit creepy if she brought Sean home then. She continues, “Here I am, about to introduce this man that I have fallen into love with to my family”. Who says, “Into love with”? You don’t fall into love, you fall in love. You fall INTO a well.

AshLee and Sean have a ton in common. They’re both on television. They both have abs. Both of their fathers are preachers and, I’m sure, proud of their kids for their hot, ripped abbedness. AshLee re-hashes her horrible childhood with her hand on Sean’s leg, very close to his crotch. I get a little misty. AshLee is nice, but she talks like she’s reciting the pledge of allegiance and hasn’t memorized it yet.

She says, “I have never met someone that I was madly in love with”. I do that constantly. I’m madly in love with, at least, six people reading this sentence.

AshLee’s dad is Dick Butkus. They eat at a table in the middle of their yard. It’s weird. They talk and there’s talking. AshLee tells the polar bear plunge story from Canada and compares jumping into a 33 degree lake to falling in love. She doesn’t touch on the part where a dozen other girls were also half-naked and swimming with Sean in the near-frozen, liquid love metaphor.

Her Mom pulls Sean aside to ask if he is going to break AshLee’s heart. Sean says, “I don’t plan to.” I get misty again. AshLee’s Mom wants someone to guard and protect AshLee. She needs to go pull Casey Mumbles off of Vienna. If you don’t know who that is, it’s not really worth explaining.

Sean asks AshLee’s Dad if he can marry AshLee. AshLee’s Dad is wearing jeans so, of course he says ‘yes’. AshLee’s Dad tells the camera that he thinks Sean would make a good son-in-law from what he knows about him. It’s a good point. He has known him for an entire meal.

Sean’s Dad talks about adopting AshLee and how he fell in love with her and he’s crying and AshLee’s crying and everyone is crying and I’m crying and if AshLee doesn’t win I’m going to hitchhike to Sean’s house and punch him in his throat.

Sean flies to Seattle next to hook up with Catherine. He hugs her and my wife says, “She’s not gonna win”. They walk around Seattle first so ABC can show us guys who throw fish. The fish guys make Sean catch a fish and he catches it and my wife and I kick over our coffee table and head butt each other.

Catherine is next in line to catch a fish. I get nervous because, if she drops this fish, it’s going to hit the ground. The Seattle fish guys throw it. She drops it. The Seattle fish guys are a forgiving sort so, they do it again and she catches it. This show is such an adrenaline rush. I feel like I’ve just snorted a line of coke.
They do romantic things like chew gum and stick it to a giant wall of used bubble gum that just looks about the most disgusting thing in America. It’s like a Herpes wall.

After putting their fingers on the Herpes wall, they hug Catherine’s family. There are giant glasses of wine and snacks. Sean helped make dinner and did push-ups on the living room floor. I can’t believe you read down this far. Catherine says, “I did not expect Sean to get along so well with my family”. I guess she thought he would just sit on the couch and check his phone all night.

The preview footage made it look as if Catherine’s sisters were going to act awful and ruin her evening. Instead, they just asked her four questions. It wasn’t very dramatic. I miss the gum wall. The sisters talk to Sean next. The one sister tells Sean that Catherine, “goes in 100% with guys” and I say, “Hell yeah!” because, get some.

There’s a lot more talking. You guys should just really watch the show so I don’t have to type all of this. Catherine’s Mom kind of looks like Stefan Mychajliw. Sean asks her Mom if he can marry Catherine. She doesn’t say yes. It’s clear that Catherine will not be rubbing abs with Sean in far-away, exotic hot tubs. Sean is pretty respectful. He would not have sex with a girl in a Fantasy Suite unless he had a mother’s permission.
So far, the show kind of sucks. It’s not that I didn’t expect it to suck. It’s just the reality of the situation. You don’t go to a co-ed wedding shower expecting to have fun. You go to a co-ed wedding shower and pray to God that a support beam holding up the building breaks so everyone has to evacuate and the co-ed wedding shower ends.

Next up, Sean drives an SUV to Fort Wood in Missouri to meet Lindsay. Luckily, ABC cameras are planted in the SUV to capture how excited he is to meet Lindsay when he says, “I’m so excited to meet Lindsay”. I wouldn’t have believed how excited Sean was to meet Lindsay if I couldn’t see the excited expression on his face. Good job ABC.

ABC sends Sean to the army base because they needed something to make this episode interesting. Bachelor Producers know, army Dads are scary Dads. They’re not sending Sean to a Call Center.
First Lindsay and Sean walk around the town and talk and I start sweating over how exhilarating it all is. They buy a cupcake. Sean says, “I love cupcakes”. Then he tells the cameras how ready he thinks Lindsay is to get married. They go outside and Sean does a bunch of push-ups. I’m not kidding.

Lindsay’s Dad is a General. I’m disappointed when I learn that he is not a cartoon General who sells car insurance. They drive up to the base. There are soldiers doing push-ups. I’ve never watched this much push-up action on TV before. Hopefully, this push-up craze will replace the Vampire craze.

At Lindsay’s house, they talk about stuff. Lindsay’s Mom pulls Sean aside to talk more. She asks if he’s falling in love with Lindsay. Shawn says, “Not yet”. Lindsay’s Mom tells the camera that she’s glad Sean is being honest. She must be thrilled that he’s also dating 3 other girls.

The meeting with the Dad is next. ABC plays, ‘Sean is about to meet a big, mean Dad’ music. It turns out General Dad is a big teddy bear. He’s General Teddy Bear. He just doesn’t want his daughter to be hurt. Then, Sean asks General Dad if he has permission to marry Lindsay. The music gets darker and more dramatical. Dad compares the question to jumping out of planes. Then, he says, ‘Yes’, kind of. It’s a long-winded military metaphor. I’m not really sure what happened. It’s clear though that General Teddy Bear likes Sean.

Can you imagine watching your wife go through labor, raising your child, providing her with everything she needs, worrying about her every day and every night, and then having the Bachelor ask your permission to marry her on camera? I would shoot lasers out of my eyes and melt Sean Lowe, then use the ‘Sean Lowe’ puddle of goo to caulk my shower.

The Lindsay hometown date goes well. Outside, in the driveway, Lindsay tells Sean that she’s falling in love with him. She really should have done that weeks ago, but Lindsay likes to take things slow. She’ll get a rose. I’m guessing she gets to have sex with Sean!

The date with Desiree is next. Sean travels to L.A. via push-up. They go for a walk in L.A. and then sit and talk on a hill. Why do you read this?

There isn’t a lot of filler before Desiree takes Sean home because they needed to save room for all of the dramatic things that are about to happen. Seriously guys, if you don’t like drama, don’t read these next couple of paragraphs.

What happens next is stupid. Sean and Desiree are in her apartment. ABC knew how boring their show is, so they staged a fake fight with an ex-boyfriend. It is not a real fight, so don’t freak out.

An ABC camera is in position to capture a man approaching Desiree’s house. This man knocks on Desiree’s door in an age where people do not simply drop by other people’s houses without texting them 17 times before hand, and on the exact night ABC just happens to be taping Sean’s family date with Desiree.

Desiree answers the door and is SHOCKED, to discover her ex-boyfriend despite the fact that there are 3 different cameras in perfect position to capture the encounter and the surprise visitor is wearing a lavaliere microphone so viewers can hear when he whispers.

Desiree’s ex-boyfriend, who acts as well as an 11-year old in an Annie production, tells Desiree that he’s angry she won’t return his texts. Desiree says she’s been busy dating a guy who is dating other girls. Ex-boyfriend tells Desiree that he loves her.

Sean is angry and the camera zooms in on her balled-up fist. The music is perfect for fighting. Just as this ex-boyfriend is about to push Sean too far, Desiree confesses that it’s all a big prank. She was getting even with Sean for goofing on her earlier in the season. It’s a goof. I missed a couple of minutes of the show because I passed out from laughing so hard. ABC set up the perfect fake fight to get Sean good.

They go to Dez’s house and everyone is all smiles. Dez tells her family that she milked a goat. Her Father hugs Sean and tells the camera that he’d make a great son.

We all think we’re safe now but, the real drama begins. Desiree’s brother is super skeptical. He’s going to make the most of his appearance on television. He’s a tough guy. He tells Dez (she’s Dez now) that he doesn’t think this TV dating thing is going to work. Although Dez’s brother is being painted as a bad guy here, I tend to agree with him.

Dez’s brother pulls Sean aside to be mean. The music is back to ‘storm clouds’. They sit on some steps and Dez’s brother tells Sean he doesn’t believe Sean is into his sister. He says, “There’s just not that connection”. I’m not sure how he sees this but I keep watching. Sean tells the brother that he’s crazy about Dez (she’s Dez now). Dez’s brother says, “You’re crazy about a lot of girls”. Which, to be fair, is completely true.
Dez’s brother calls Sean a playboy which is just spot-on. Sean tries to clear his good name, despite the fact that we’re into week 8 of a season of television that has shown him make out with 25 girls.

There's an awkward silence and, again, Sean attempts to clear his good name. Dez's brother tells Sean he's full of it. They agree to disagree. It’s dramatic. I really like Dez's brother.

Dez (she’s Dez now) yells at her brother for being 100% correct. They eat an awkward dinner. Sean tells the camera that he’s having doubts about Dez. ‘Doubts about Dez’ would be a great band name.

There’s a half-hour of show left and all of the dates are done. ABC has time to squeeze in footage of Sean getting dressed and then thinking on a mountain. Chris Harrison sits down with Sean for an interview. They recap the show we just watched. Sean tells Chris Harrison that he’s narrowed down his cut to either Catherine or Dez (She’s Dez now). Sean says he’s not confident that he’ll make the right decision. Chris Harrison shakes his hand and leaves so Sean can stare at pictures of his girlfriends and decide who to dump.

The Rose Ceremony is next. Sean gives a speech about family. Family is important to Sean. He’s not the kind of guy who hates family. I think each and every person watching this show will agree that Sean values family.

Before the dumping begins, Desiree pulls Sean aside to talk. There are subtitles, despite the fact that she’s speaking English. She apologizes for her brother. She cries. Sean hugs her. It’s President’s Day.

Sean gets down to the last rose but he can’t decide. He walks out on the Rose Ceremony. Chris Harrison scurries after him for support. He tells Sean to take his time. Chris Harrison says, “My advice to you? Get this right.”

“My advice to you? Get this right." - Chris Harrison, advice giver

Sean sends Desiree home (She’s no longer Dez). Desiree hugs Sean’s other girlfriends and says goodbye. Sean walks her out. She’s made it pretty far so, she gets to sit on a bench and get an explanation for being dumped. Sean tells her that he thinks he might be making a mistake. She agrees. Desiree says, “I love you 100%. Not even 99. 100%” I give her a lot of credit for not saying 110%.

Desiree gets in the limo for a nice 4-minute snot-fest. She’s probably going to go home to talk to her brother.
During the credits, Sean and Lindsay eat cupcakes. It’s so cute, I promise to never do anything wrong.

ABC hates me so they’re going to have Chris Harrison interview Sean tomorrow night for an hour. I’m not going to recap it. I’m warning you right now, don’t email me or Tweet at me, and ask, “Where’s the recap?” It doesn’t exist. There will be no recap of that stupid, 1-hour, ‘Are you a virgin’ interview. Do you understand? NO RECAP! I won’t recap it. I’m gonna watch hockey.

Please check back tomorrow for Greg Bauch’s full recap of Chris Harrison’s special 1-hour interview with the Bachelor, Sean Lowe.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Bachelor Recap- I Can't Control My Eyebrow

Sean Lowe has only 6 girlfriends remaining on his thrill ride of love-seekin’ known as ‘The Bachelor’. If you’re new to the show, 6 girlfriends is practically no girlfriends. There is almost no sense in getting up in the morning if you only have 6 girlfriends. You can hardly canoe or climb down buildings or mountains with just 6 girlfriends. But, that’s ABC, she is a ruler of Sean’s love life. ABC gives with one hand and takes away with the other. All of Sean’s girlfriends are named ‘Lindsay’.

I haven’t said much about Sean this season. He certainly has not been the focal point with the ‘Tierrarist’ doing her thing and all. Sean seems nice enough. He’s not the stuffy kind of person who insists on always wearing a shirt. Sean’s like Bill Pullman. He’s just kind of there.

All of Sean’s girlfriends have two arms so, this week should be interesting. He’s flown his harem to the tropical island of St. Croix. They’re going to jump off of yachts, build connections, drink, and, I’m told, one or more of the girls tells Sean that she loves him. It’s a bold, pointless move. I hope it goes well for them.
There will be three 1-on-1 dates and a group date. I remember how difficult this point of the dating process was for my parents.  By this point, my Mom was so sick of the group dates and just wanted more alone time with my Dad. They would always sneak away with some camera guys, a boom mic operator, a light operator, a Producer, and some interns and get in a hot tub after a stylist fixed their hair and make-up and the sound guy tested out their mics. They got through it all though and they’ve been married for 52 years.

Sean flies them in on a Sea plane. He says, “How many times can you fly into St. Croix on a Sea plane?” I don’t have an answer because, who plans that far ahead? The girls set up camp in their luxurious hotel and the terrible Tierra grabs a roll away cot to put it in a separate room so she doesn’t have to be around the other girls. It’s dramatic.

AshLee gets the first 1-on-1 date. AshLee is 32-years old. Tierra makes fun of how old AshLee is and the rest of the girls get mad. It’s dramatic. And, by the way, I’m not spelling AshLee’s name wrong, her parents did.

They swim out to a yacht to play. Sean and AshLee are getting closer. He says, “Ever since AshLee allowed me to lead her blindfolded in Canada, I’ve seen another side to her.”

“Ever since AshLee allowed me to lead her blindfolded in Canada, I’ve seen another side to her.” - The greatest quote in Bachelor History.

While Sean is telling the camera about AshLee’s vulnerability and strength, ABC shows her taking off her shorts, revealing to America her bikini bod. I’m not making that up.  

Back at the hotel, the rest of the girls sit on chairs and complain about Tierra. Lesley says, “I want to roll away her roll-away bed into the ocean.”

Sean and AshLee jump into the ocean. (Did I already type that? Keep up!) They sit on a beach on their own private island and AshLee warns Sean how awful Tierra is. Then, they play in the water more. There is a ton of making out in front of the camera. Luckily, the ocean drowns out the slurping.

At night, they drink more on a beach. Where the hell are all of the tourists? Do they shut down an entire region of the world for this piece of crap show? Answer me!

There’s more talking later about stuff. AshLee has something major to tell Sean. The music gets seriously major. AshLee says she just wants to hurry up and tell him and get it over with. Sean nods. AshLee again says that she’ll just say it real quick and get it over with. She’s contradicting herself. AshLee finally tells Sean that she used to be married when she was 17, but it was her mother’s fault. It makes sense. I turn and say to my wife, “That makes sense”. The music gets all soft again and it’s a huge relief.

Sean doesn’t care that AshLee was married because, seriously, it makes sense. They make out. There is moderate slurping.

AshLee shouts out loud that she loves Sean. They hug and Sean doesn’t say that he loves AshLee because, even if he did, ABC won’t let him. AshLee says that she loves Sean about 12 more times. 

Tierra gets the next 1-on-1 date, even though she is mean. The other girls act like they’re excited. The date card, which is NOT delivered by Chris Harrison, says that Tierra is going to walk the streets with Sean. One of the girls is jealous and says, “I’m jelly belly”. I’m probably going to say that instead of ‘jealous’ from now on. 

Tierra is less than excited because she wanted a more extravagant date. She acts like a spoiled brat to make America angrier. It works. I hear my neighbors yelling.

There is walking around and shopping. A St. Croix parade rolls right through the middle of their 1-on-1 date because ABC paid for it to happen. If you go to St. Croix, don’t just expect a parade to roll through the middle of your 1-on-1 date… unless that sort of thing does happen. I don’t know. I’ve never been there.
Tierra is wearing a strange necklace. It’s a sideways crucifix. I can’t tell if it is a real crucifix that is just hanging sideways but, it looks like it’s supposed to sit that way. It’s like Jesus fell over on his cross when he saw how bad this show is. ABC really raised the bar for terrible television if they fastened a crooked symbol of faith around their villain’s neck. That’s some upper-level character development there. Bravo, ABC. Bravo.

Sean and Tierra talk and there is talking. She says that she isn’t mean to the other girls and that they’re mean to her. Tierra is lying and, I say that. I stand up and I yell, “She’s lying, Sean! Don’t fall for it!” But, then I remember that the show is taped and Sean can’t hear me from Buffalo. 

At night, there’s more drinking at a Sugar Mill. Tierra turns on the charm to further woo Sean. She tells him that she’s falling for him and he should take that into consideration. She says she’s falling in love with him and does it in the whisper ‘growly’ talk, so you know it’s real. Sean falls for it… for now.

The group date is next. Sean sneaks into the hotel room, which is rapey. He wakes them up to bring them somewhere before they’ve showered or put make-up on. It’s, like, 3 o’clock in the morning. I wouldn’t want to date anyone at 3 o’clock in the morning. 

The girls are worried that they’re ugly and not showered. Catherine isn’t worried. Catherine says what I want all women to say, “I just need to pee and I’m good to go.” 

They jump in a certified Bachelor jeep and drive as far East as you can go in America, so they’re the first 4 Americans to see the sunrise. Its super romantic until you consider the billions of Chinese who saw the sunrise a day ago.

When they’re done looking at the sun, Sean takes them to that Sugar Mill. This must be some Sugar Mill. They’re there for 3 seconds. There’s more jeep driving and a donkey. Please try to keep up.

They stop to drink and then jump back in the jeep, which is a great example for kids. There’s a bunch of talking. They stop at the other side of the island to watch the sun set. Sean takes off his shirt. They play in the water. I think about joining the Peace Corp. 

Sean and wedding dress girl have a chat that viewers can’t hear over the roar of the ocean. They make out in front of his two other girlfriends. It’s not awkward, in the way that it’s not awkward when the grocery store cashier puts your change directly into your pocket. 

Sean has another ocean dominated talk, this time with Catherine. She tells a tragic story about her Dad trying to kill himself, because that’s what Bachelor contestants do. Sean does a good job of groping her bikini-clad skin during this very personal account. I get choked up.

Dez (she’s Dez now) tells Sean that she loves her family. She cries a lot. There are pelicans.

While the sun is setting, Sean gives a rose to Lind-Z. The other two girls smile because they’re happy that their boyfriend is so happy with their girlfriend. This show is messed up. The sun sets but they don’t see it because of the clouds. It’s like a metaphor for how Sean can’t see that Tierra is a liar. I yell that. I yell to Sean, “It’s a metaphor! The sun you can’t see if the liar you can’t realize, Sean!” But my pleas can’t travel through time. 

Lesley gets the final 1-on-1. She’s excited. She says, “I could be locked in a closet with Sean and it would still be amazing”. I don’t know. That would have to be some closet.

Bachelor producers take them to Mount Washington, which I always thought was in Washington. Lesley loves Sean and says that she can’t believe she’s going to be one of those girls on the Bachelor who tell the Bachelor that they love him. Well, she’s that girl. She loves Sean and she’s not going to let my snarky disapproval stop her.

Lesley chickens out when she gets the chance to tell Sean she loves him. Sean has been told by Bachelor producers that Lesley wants to tell him, so he keeps prodding her. He’s all, “So… anything you want to tell me?” She doesn’t tell him. They pick fruit and a cat walks by. That’s the whole date. Lesley doesn’t tell Sean that she loves him. It’s stupid.

Speaking of stupid, Sean’s sister shows up in the island to have a pointless conversation that will eat up 12 minutes. Sean’s sister is wise in the ways of relationships. I learn a lot. Where the hell is Chris Harrison? Doesn’t he handle these ego-boosting conversations? Does Chris Harrison have strep throat? Is he okay? It’s hard because, Chris Harrison would be the one to interrupt the show and tell us all that Chris Harrison is sick. But, Chris Harrison can’t tell us that Chris Harrison is sick because Chris Harrison is sick. It’s a paradox. We need a Chris Harrison hologram for situations like this. Why am I the only one who thinks ahead? Answer me!

There’s more talking and Sean agrees to bring Tierra over to meet his sister. This way, his sister can tell if Tierra is the devil.

Meanwhile, girls are fighting. Tierra and AshLee fight because AshLee told Sean bad things. AshLee gets ready to fight by saying, “You want to get nitty gritty? Then let’s get nitty gritty!” She stole that line from Upton Sinclair. 

They fight about stuff. Tierra gets mad and end the conversation. She walks away while flapping her fingers. It’s dramatic… and effective. When I’m done with a conversation, and I’m telling someone I’m done with a conversation, I always do a little ‘duck-quack’ flap motion with my fingers, this way, the person knows for certain that I’m done with the conversation.

The argument is not over. It spills into the other room. They argue more about their argument. ABC rolls in soft ‘storm clouds moving in’ music through the beginning of their argument and then puts their foot on the gas with heavy, guitar laden ‘bleep is getting real’ music. It gets real. There is so much shouting. 

Tierra yells something about no one taking away her sparkle. She’s mad about the fact that she can’t be herself in the house. She tries to explain why she’s such a brat and accidentally stumbles into the new greatest quote in Bachelor history.

“I can’t control my eyebrow. I cannot control my eyebrow.”- The greatest quote in Bachelor history

‘I cannot control my eyebrow’ is now the new greatest quote in Bachelor history. There’s more screaming and Sean walks in right at the end of the scream-fest because Bachelor producers told him, “Hey, they’re screaming at each other. Get up there!”

Sean was going to take Tierra to meet his sister but, she’s busy crying about her argument. Sean consoles her and a Bachelor producer whispers, “It’s time to dump her. Her contract is up”. Sean dumps Tierra. He says, “I care so much for you that it’s time for you to leave”. I’m not making that up. 

Sean sneaks Tierra out the back door and pushes her into the ‘I have been dumped’ Bachelor van. Winners leave in limos. Losers leave in the van. Tierra cries a ton. She feels sabotaged. ABC does not play the song ‘Sabotage’.

Tierra talks more about her sparkle and it is seriously hilarious. It’s hard to keep up because of all the snot but, I think she says, “Nobody will take my sparkle away. I’m not letting that happen.”

Holy cow, guys. Do you think that there’s a chance we were all wrong about Tierra and that, maybe she just had a sparkle and we were all trying to take that sparkle away? I hope Tierra never loses her sparkle.

Chris Harrison finally rolls out of bed and shows up. He tells them what’s what. One girl is going home. Four girls are bringing Sean back home to poison their families with Reality television. There is no cocktail party. Nobody gets drunk anymore. This show is stupid.

Sean dumps Lesley. It hurts Lesley. She says, “Rejection hurts. It does. It sucks. It doesn’t feel good. It sucks. It does.” I nod, kiss my fingers, and then kiss my sideways crucifix necklace. 

Next week, is the most dramatic thing ever. Sean gets yelled at by a guy and ABC shows a close-up of someone’s fist so, you know it’s off the hizza! This guy is going to try to take away Sean’s sparkle.

Greg Bauch is opening for Mike Birbiglia at Helium Comedy Club Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Bachelor Recap- Sure, you watched a tree kill someone but I once lived in a tent!

This recap started with me just banging on the keyboard but I went back and deleted that paragraph. It’s Day 2 of back-to-back Bachelors. That smell in the air is excitement… and drama… and some silicone… and connections, tons of connections… and roses, some helicopter fumes, Chris Harrison’s pants, and my stomach bile.

“There’s a woman tonight that I do not see a ‘forever’ with.”- Sean Lowe, setting the tempo for tonight’s episode.

Sean and his 9 one-and-only’s are in the Canadian Rockies. Sean is upset right off the bat because it’s cold in Canada and he can’t take his shirt off to do sit-ups, chin-ups, and ab-ups. He is wearing a coat as he stares out at mountains to contemplate love but, it’s just not the same. How can you think with a shirt on? Don’t shirt fibers cloud judgment? Answer me!

The theme of last night’s show, ‘Hate Tierra’ continues. All of the girls hate Tierra, but love the rest of Sean’s girlfriends for some reason. They find out Catherine gets the first 1-on-1 date and they all coo and cheer like their baby sister has found her Prince Charming. SHE’S DATING YOUR FREAKING BOYFRIEND, YOU BRAINLESS TWIT! This show is such an explosion of stupidity.

Sean picks up Catherine in a snow bus. I now need to add snow bus to the list of things I want. (1. Melissa Gilbert’s phone number 2. Endless Peanut Butter 3. Snow bus 4. Play-making Center) ABC lets Sean drive the snow bus and I’m super jealous. Snow buses are 100 times cooler than helicopters.

Their date is very cold and windy, but these two kids don’t care. They sled and laugh and you just don’t even know how much fun they have. ABC pressed play on some ‘fun’ guitar tracks. There’s hugging. Holy cow!

“I always have fun with Sean. I never get cold with him”, says Catherine, a woman who has never had a 1-on-1 date with Sean and has never been in a cold place with him before this date. She also says that she can’t imagine not falling in love with Sean, which is a double negative, so, who knows what she meant.

When they’re done with all of that fun and… let me reiterate, it was six buckets of fun… Sean takes Catherine for a horse carriage ride. They go to an Ice Castle. I keep watching because the Sabres are down 2 goals. They cuddle on an ice couch, in front of a fire. Because no one on a reality television show has gone 12 minutes without a traumatic experience, Catherine tells Sean about the time a tree fell on her friend.
Catherine says that this made her want to get married. I’m not making that up.

Sean digs girls who watched trees fall on people. He gives Catherine a rose. Then, they make out. I cross my fingers that they really get into it and slide down on the couch and one of their tongues gets stuck to their ice couch but it doesn’t happen. Just once, I want a Bachelor contestant’s tongue to get stuck to a couch. This was my best chance and it didn’t happen. It’ll never happen.

The group date is next. There is more canoeing… seriously. I watched, like, 27 minutes of canoeing last night. They couldn’t rent snow mobiles? Answer me!

ABC makes the one-armed girl canoe. They show us a ton of canoe footage but they don’t show one-armed Sarah’s canoe going in circles. She tells the camera that she isn’t into canoeing. You would think Sean would offer to help the one-armed girl canoe, but he’s not here to help one-armed girls canoe. He’s here to fall in love.

Leslie gets to canoe with Sean and the rest of the girls are angry. Selma wants a shark to eat Leslie. Luckily for Leslie, sharks aren’t abundant in Canadian lakes. The canoeing lasts hours. There is so much canoeing and it isn’t fun.

Once the canoes are docked, I say a little prayer as thanks that everyone made it through the canoeing safe. ABC didn’t have enough fun making a one-armed girl canoe, so they pressure a bunch of models to jump into the freezing cold lake. Lake experts tell everyone the water is 33 degrees. Sean and the girls take their clothes off. One of the girls has a tattoo on her foot and that seems painful.

Selma doesn’t do it. She says that she comes from Baghdad and doesn’t do cold. When Sean brought Selma to the desert, she complained that she didn’t like the heat. Selma is just like Goldilocks.

They jump in the water. Sean finally gets to take his shirt off. Next, there is 7 minutes of screaming. It’s just girls in bikinis, cold water and shrill screaming. Now, my dog hates the Bachelor. I give him a treat. There’s more screaming. Anyone outside of my house would think that I was murdering a slumber party.

Dramatic music plays us through the polar plunge and all of the girls talk about how much fun they’ve had. It did look like fun. I love screaming. The fun stops when it’s discovered that Tierra can’t breathe. Tierra got too cold. Paramedics wrap her up in the same foil that the First Niagara Center uses for Hot Dogs.

It’s intense. Tierra has blue lips, but not fun blue lips. Because Tierra is an over dramatic actor brought on the show to make the rest of the girls angry, you can guess what the next half-hour of television is. It’s Tierra acting like she’s about to die because she got cold while Sean fawns over her. The rest of the girls sit on couches to complain about Tierra overreacting. They call her a ‘Tierrorist’ which is way funnier than ‘Tierrable’. I lol.

Paramedics give Tierra an oxygen tank which doesn’t make a ton of sense.

The group date cocktail party comes next. Sean takes his girlfriends to a lodge with couches and alcohol. Sean makes out with Leslie. She tells Sean that she loves love. You get the feeling that Sean loves love too.
Sarah with one arm pulls Sean aside to show him pictures of her when she was 4. It’s slightly less sexy than scissoring his crotch and jamming your tongue down his throat. Most of America, and some of Canada, can clearly see that Sarah is not going to be around much longer.

The next day, Sean makes a visit to the girls lodge to dump Sarah personally. He shows up, unannounced and pulls Sarah aside by the arm. She seems concerned but Sean says, “No, you’re not in trouble”. Then, he dumps her. It’s awkward. They hug and, once again, Sean does a fantastic job of not looking down at the nub. Sarah starts to cry. Sean gets up and says, “So… I know you wanna say goodbye to the other girls, and I don’t want to talk to you anymore so… look at the time!”

Sarah thanks Sean for dumping her. Since Sarah was dumped early, she has extra time to cry to the camera and tell the world that she wants to fall in love. Sarah seems really nice. The rest of the girls hug her because they feel bad that their boyfriend dumped her.

Sarah thinks she always gets dumped because she’s different. I feel bad until I remember 15 seconds ago when she said she fell in love with a guy who was dating 8 other women.

Are we supposed to not like Zooey Daschanel, because, I kind of like Zooey Daschanel.

Desiree gets the next 1-on-1 date. Sean takes her to Banff Park. They walk there even though there are dozens of helicopters in Canada. I’ll bet it’s because Canadians care more about the environment. They rappel down a mountain to a nice picnic lunch. Sean, because he’s contractually obligated to do so, compares mountain climbing to falling in love.

I’d like to be frozen, just so I can be sure that, 4,000 years from now, Bachelor producers are still making their viewers watch hours of mountain climbing every season. Does the creator of the Bachelor have a mountain climbing fetish? Who climbs mountains?

Desiree is excited but afraid to climb the mountain. She says, “I am just beyond speechless” and I suddenly miss the 7 minutes of screaming. They climb down the mountain. Desiree whines a lot. We watch it. It happens.

When the most exhilarating 6 minutes of television history are over, Sean takes Desiree to the picnic. They make out. Sean climbs a tree. Desiree climbs the tree. Sean and Desiree yell out, “Hello Canada!”, and that was probably awesome for Canada to have heard that.

Sean takes Desiree to a teepee. It happens fast. Try to keep up.

Things get serious in the teepee. Desiree tells Sean that she used to live in a tent. What? She didn’t have anyone die in front of her? What a pathetic story.

They sit on a couch. Sean stole my Aunt Gert’s sweater for their date. Sean and Dez (She’s Dez, now. Keep up!) cuddle and make out. Dez must be extra comfortable because she’s so used to making out in tents. Sean gives Dez a rose. She accepts it despite his sweater.

Dez says, “I opened up about spending part of my life in a tent and, here I am, falling in love in a teepee”. She really says that.

The cocktail party is next. Sean isn’t sure which of his 8 girlfriends he’s dumping so it’s a super serious cocktail party. Selma feels the heat. She didn’t do the polar plunge so she decides to make up for that by kissing Sean. It’s a big deal because her family’s culture forbids public displays of affection. Apparently, her family has no problem with Selma constantly showing 67% of her boobs to America… and parts of Canada. Selma gives Sean a kiss and shames her mother. I’m sure her Mom had an idea by now that Selma wasn’t a snowflake.

When he’s done kissing Selma, he full-on makes out with Leslie or Ashley… no! Lindsay! He makes out with Lindsay. And, when he’s done with that, he blindfolds AshLee and makes out with her. I swear. The music ABC chooses for Sean’s third make out session with a third woman in 4 minutes of television is a bit too much. Why does this network continue to veil their smut with sincerity? He’s making out with girls like he’s at nickel beer night at BJ’s in Fredonia. He didn’t climb up AshLee’s hair to rescue her from a tower. It’s not a fairytale. It’s an STD festival. I’ve witnessed more romance in line for rides at the Fair.

Anyway, the rose ceremony is next. Sean has to dump two girls. He’s conflicted because there will be less women to swallow. The girls all hope the Tierrorist is sent home, but ABC has other plans. Desiree and Selma get Das boot.

Sean has a tough time dumping two of his girlfriends, especially with the connections he was feeling and everything. He says, “That was really hard for me because I had feelings for those two women, but I knew that you six were the ones for me.” He really says that.

Selma takes the news well for a woman who just disgraced her family for no reason. I’m guessing Sean dumped her because she refused to take part in the polar plunge. I can’t blame him. Could you imagine this scenario in real life? You take a girl to the movies, things go well, and then, she doesn’t jump into a partially frozen lake? Of course you would dump her. I make it a point to throw partially frozen water at women immediately to gauge their character.

Daniella and her crooked mouth cry more. It turns out that Daniella actually came on the show to find love and NOT just to be on T.V. so I feel really stupid for having made fun of her. Daniella had her heart broken. She can’t even believe that ‘What’s his name’ did that.

If it’s okay with you guys, I’m not going to recap the Bachelor for the rest of the week. I need a few days off from this garbage. Next week, Sean takes his girlfriends to a tropical island so they can jump off of yachts into the ocean.

While the credits are rolling, Sean tells a story about peeing in a desk.