I’d compare surviving a season of Bachelor Pad to making it through this year's 162-game Astros season, but it doesn’t fit. The Astros suck but, at least they don’t get drunk and have sex with each other. And, if a crappy Major League Baseball season was anything like the Bachelor Pad, Chris Harrison would trot out into the middle of a unwatchable 7-1 loss to the Braves and tell everyone that, “the rules have changed.” Then, a bunch of Astros would grow fake breasts and start crying.
Are you still not following me? Good! Stop reading this. Go teach someone to read or harvest tomatoes. Please turn off your computer and do something worthwhile. Don’t contribute to the ruination of our society.
4 couples remain on the Bachelor Pad. There will be a competition where one couple will gain entry into the finale for a chance to win $250,000. ABC flies them to Vegas. The group gets one night to choreograph a dance/ acrobat routine, Cirque de’ Soule-style. The top routine wins. The routines are carried out on a giant vertical wall while the couples are attached to grappling harnesses.
Casey and Vienna are arguing because it’s in their nature to do so. Casey wants to incorporate a heart into their routine. Vienna thinks the idea is stupid. This will be the first and last time I agree with her on anything.
The wall is very high and everyone is afraid of heights. Graham is “literally bleeping down his leg”.
3 judges are brought in to determine the winner. ABC digs deep to find 3 people worthy of this tremendous responsibility; Ali, Jason Mesnick and Trista, the only 3 people they ever bring on to do anything with this abyss.
Graham and Michele Money are first. I don’t understand any of it. It’s confusing.
Kirk/Kurt and Ella are next. I’m still confused. The music being played for these terrible routines is the kind of music you’d hear tracked over movie footage of young men dying in war.
Casey Cuddles and Vienna kicked butt, I think. Casey scream-mumbled a lot. The judges seemed impressed. My Twitter feed is telling me that Tom Brady is perfect so far and I’m basically missing the best Monday Night Football game ever. Now, my wife wants to know why I’m crying.
Michael and Holly are next. They also performed whatever stupid thing this is called to a high degree. It’s a good time to point out that several emails and phone calls have informed me that Holly is currently engaged to Blake the Dentist. I gotta tell ya… that hurt… because….I really thought Mike and Holly had a chance at love.
The judges tell Holly and Mike that they won the competition. They get roses and head to the next 2 hours of television.
Kurt/Kirk and Ella had the worst performance. They’re sent home.
Trista points out how hard it is to judge because they’re not “Quote-unquote judges”.
Ella begins bawling because it had been 7 minutes since she last cried. I start crying again because something totally got in my eye. This competition was tough. They were definitely on the chopping block.
ABC gives us 11 more minutes of Ella crying to the camera in the limo. They don’t even let her change out of her fluorescent yellow Cirque de’ Soule jump suit. She looks like David Lee Roth.
The 6 people remaining head back to the Bachelor Pad limo. By winning the competition, Michael and Holly get to choose the couple that joins them in the finale.
They talk with Casey Cuddles and Vienna first. I don’t really understand Casey because he mumbles as well as he cuddles. The trash-couple tell them that they deserve it more. Then, they fight a bunch. It takes forever. I hope ABC broadcasts their wedding so I get to see two people have a fist fight on a Church alter right after making out in front of it.
Michael and Holly tell Graham and Michele Money that they’re thinking about going with the trash crew because they’d have the best chance at winning. Graham is super mad. He storms off punching the air because he felt like he was close friends with Michael and Michael should choose friendship over money in a competition for money. I know, I know. I don’t get anything these people say either.
I’d like a moment to point out how hideously ugly Vienna is, just in case she doesn’t make it to the finale and I don’t get the chance to ever do that again. Vienna is the Henri Richard of being ugly. He has 11 Ugly cup rings. As you can tell, this season has been so long, I’ve completely run out of ideas.
Michael and Holly give a long speech about loyalty and then choose Graham and Michele Money to join them in the finale. It’s like the ending of the movie ‘The Jumper’, I think. Who made it all the way through the movie ‘The Jumper’. That movie was awful.
In the limo, Vienna cries and blames Casey Cuddles for everything. She says that “her perfect Rose record is broken”. At least she still leads the league in looking like Calibos from ‘Clash of the Titans’. (google it!)
We’ve made it through an awful hour and still have two pointless hours to go. Chris Harrison corrals the group into a studio in front of an audience for the finale. Harrison says that, “it’s been an amazing season to say the least”. He keeps a straight face the entire time.
All of the contestants from the season are brought back to annoy me.
Bean Bag Face and Jackie explain why they’re broken up, despite the dramatic exit from the Bachelor Pad. Apparently, Bean Bag Face dumped her and didn’t really tell her why. Jackie cries and says that she didn’t get out of bed for a week after getting dumped. Bean just looks down at his shoes. It’s super comfortable. The studio audience is stunned. I’m surprised they didn’t start leaving like Chief fans.
Jake says that he didn’t mind not winning because he just wanted to make up with the very ugly Vienna. Vienna admits to accepting his Olive branch. They’re all super happy and nice to each other. I can’t stand it. This isn’t a finale. It’s a chance to interview all of the old contestants. It’s a farce. I’m being held hostage.
For those of you who don’t watch the show and rely on my recaps to follow the Bachelor Pad, you need to realize how meaningless this entire 3-hour-finale is. Nothing happens. For this entire season, nothing has happened. This show is just crying, screaming, sex and silicone. I hate this show so much. I spend a lot of time thinking of creative metaphors for torture, but I sincerely mean it when I say that I would rather have taken the claw end of a hammer to the crotch than watch these 6 episodes. This show is poison. It’s filth. We’re burning the Earth and salting the soil for our future generations. There can be no hope for a future if 20 million people watch this show. There is no hope. No hope.
Anyway, back to the recap, Vienna and Jake are still crying and arguing about their past relationship. The studio audience has recovered from the Jackie/Bean Bag news to act shocked about their struggles.
Jake takes Casey Cuddles to task for saying that he wanted to “Punch Jake for America”. Casey Cuddles apologizes and they hug. I just…. I really can’t believe I just typed that, but it happened.
Casey Cuddles is brought up to hot seat next. To this point, not a single second has been dedicated to the finale, the very reason ABC slotted 3 hours of television to the Bachelor Pad tonight.
They play back moments from the season because that’s all they do. Casey Cuddles figures out that everyone hates him and he’s awful. He cries in the hot seat. This has turned into couple counseling for Mr. and Mrs. Mumbles.
Still no finale to report on. We’re just reliving the awful past.
Blake is next on the hot seat. I have mentally checked out at this point. I’m just floating over my body, watching myself type garbage. Harrison rolls out the crazy Melissa/ Blake footage. I cringe again watching how crazy Melissa is. Think Glen Close in ‘Fatal Attraction’.
Blake admits that he used Melissa to win a quarter of a million dollars. I wonder out loud what the score of the Dolphins/ Patriots game might be. My wife tells me to shut up because Melissa is making a point about prostitutes.
When Melissa is done yelling, Blake tells America that he’s in love with Holly. Holly is back stage getting ready to try to win a bunch of money with another man. Blake announces that he and Holly are moving in together… and… they have Michael’s blessing…. Even though… it really hurt him to give it…. Because he loves Holly too.
Then ***WARNING! A BOMB IS ABOUT TO BE DROPED***** BLAKE BLEEPING PROPOSED TO HOLLY! AND SHE SAID ‘YES’… AND ABC TAPED THE WHOLE THING!!!!!!! AND THEY SHOW IT!!!!!!!!! THIS HAS BEEN TOTALLY WORTH MISSING MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL AND WASTING 3 HOURS OF MY LIFE!!!!!!ELENTY111!!!!
(by the way, this show is so boring, my wife fell asleep and I woke her up when I was pounding out those exclamation points on my laptop!!!!!)
Finally, Chris Harrison brings out the 4 remaining Bachelor Pad contestants. Harrison announces the Blake / Holly engagement. Michael didn’t know about it. These snakes told this broken hearted man on live television. He’s super crushed and asks them to go to commercial break. They do not. Michael is forced to do that whisper crying thing to America. I didn’t think there were new lows. He recovers and congratulates them. They stop short of running over his legs with a truck.
Graham and Michele Money announce that they’re a couple, as well as Bachelor Pad finalists. Graham is rocking a bow tie. Michele announces her father’s passing and how it brought them together. ABC takes this tender moment and follows it up with a 7-minute promo for one of their horrible fall shows.
The final game begins. The past contestants ask them questions and then vote for who they think should win.
Holly and Michael won the vote. I was assuming this was the end, but Harrison tells us it’s not over. I’ve written 1,764 words and there is still a half-hour left.
Michael and Holly are sequestered. They must choose to either keep or share the prize money. If they both pick ‘share’, they share it. If they both pick keep, the other contestants get the money. If one picks ‘keep’ and one picks ‘share’, the one who picked ‘keep’ gets to keep the money to themselves.
In the end, they both pick ‘share’ and share the money. I gasp.
ABC then spends the finale 11 minutes telling us that Josh Groban is the next Bachelor, even though I already told you that weeks ago.
I hate this show. Luckily, it goes away for 4 months.
I would implore any children watching this to become doctors so they don’t the time to watch horrible Reality Television.