Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Bachelor Pad Recap- Longest 3 Hours of my Life

I’d compare surviving a season of Bachelor Pad to making it through this year's 162-game Astros season, but it doesn’t fit. The Astros suck but, at least they don’t get drunk and have sex with each other. And, if a crappy Major League Baseball season was anything like the Bachelor Pad, Chris Harrison would trot out into the middle of a unwatchable 7-1 loss to the Braves and tell everyone that, “the rules have changed.” Then, a bunch of Astros would grow fake breasts and start crying.

Are you still not following me? Good! Stop reading this. Go teach someone to read or harvest tomatoes. Please turn off your computer and do something worthwhile. Don’t contribute to the ruination of our society.

4 couples remain on the Bachelor Pad. There will be a competition where one couple will gain entry into the finale for a chance to win $250,000. ABC flies them to Vegas. The group gets one night to choreograph a dance/ acrobat routine, Cirque de’ Soule-style. The top routine wins. The routines are carried out on a giant vertical wall while the couples are attached to grappling harnesses.

Casey and Vienna are arguing because it’s in their nature to do so. Casey wants to incorporate a heart into their routine. Vienna thinks the idea is stupid. This will be the first and last time I agree with her on anything.

The wall is very high and everyone is afraid of heights. Graham is “literally bleeping down his leg”.

3 judges are brought in to determine the winner. ABC digs deep to find 3 people worthy of this tremendous responsibility; Ali, Jason Mesnick and Trista, the only 3 people they ever bring on to do anything with this abyss.

Graham and Michele Money are first. I don’t understand any of it. It’s confusing.

Kirk/Kurt and Ella are next. I’m still confused. The music being played for these terrible routines is the kind of music you’d hear tracked over movie footage of young men dying in war.

Casey Cuddles and Vienna kicked butt, I think. Casey scream-mumbled a lot. The judges seemed impressed. My Twitter feed is telling me that Tom Brady is perfect so far and I’m basically missing the best Monday Night Football game ever. Now, my wife wants to know why I’m crying.

Michael and Holly are next. They also performed whatever stupid thing this is called to a high degree. It’s a good time to point out that several emails and phone calls have informed me that Holly is currently engaged to Blake the Dentist. I gotta tell ya
… that hurt… because….I really thought Mike and Holly had a chance at love.

The judges tell Holly and Mike that they won the competition. They get roses and head to the next 2 hours of television.
Kurt/Kirk and Ella had the worst performance. They’re sent home.
Trista points out how hard it is to judge because they’re not “Quote-unquote judges”.

Ella begins bawling because it had been 7 minutes since she last cried. I start crying again because something totally got in my eye. This competition was tough. They were definitely on the chopping block.

ABC gives us 11 more minutes of Ella crying to the camera in the limo. They don’t even let her change out of her fluorescent yellow Cirque de’ Soule jump suit. She looks like David Lee Roth.

The 6 people remaining head back to the Bachelor Pad limo. By winning the competition, Michael and Holly get to choose the couple that joins them in the finale.

They talk with Casey Cuddles and Vienna first. I don’t really understand Casey because he mumbles as well as he cuddles. The trash-couple tell them that they deserve it more. Then, they fight a bunch. It takes forever. I hope ABC broadcasts their wedding so I get to see two people have a fist fight on a Church alter right after making out in front of it.

Michael and Holly tell Graham and Michele Money that they’re thinking about going with the trash crew because they’d have the best chance at winning. Graham is super mad. He storms off punching the air because he felt like he was close friends with Michael and Michael should choose friendship over money in a competition for money. I know, I know. I don’t get anything these people say either.

I’d like a moment to point out how hideously ugly Vienna is, just in case she doesn’t make it to the finale and I don’t get the chance to ever do that again. Vienna is the Henri Richard of being ugly. He has 11 Ugly cup rings. As you can tell, this season has been so long, I’ve completely run out of ideas.

Michael and Holly give a long speech about loyalty and then choose Graham and Michele Money to join them in the finale. It’s like the ending of the movie ‘The Jumper’, I think. Who made it all the way through the movie ‘The Jumper’. That movie was awful.

In the limo, Vienna cries and blames Casey Cuddles for everything. She says that “her perfect Rose record is broken”. At least she still leads the league in looking like Calibos from ‘Clash of the Titans’. (google it!)

We’ve made it through an awful hour and still have two pointless hours to go. Chris Harrison corrals the group into a studio in front of an audience for the finale. Harrison says that, “it’s been an amazing season to say the least”. He keeps a straight face the entire time.

All of the contestants from the season are brought back to annoy me.

Bean Bag Face and Jackie explain why they’re broken up, despite the dramatic exit from the Bachelor Pad. Apparently, Bean Bag Face dumped her and didn’t really tell her why. Jackie cries and says that she didn’t get out of bed for a week after getting dumped. Bean just looks down at his shoes. It’s super comfortable. The studio audience is stunned. I’m surprised they didn’t start leaving like Chief fans.

Jake says that he didn’t mind not winning because he just wanted to make up with the very ugly Vienna. Vienna admits to accepting his Olive branch. They’re all super happy and nice to each other. I can’t stand it. This isn’t a finale. It’s a chance to interview all of the old contestants. It’s a farce. I’m being held hostage.

For those of you who don’t watch the show and rely on my recaps to follow the Bachelor Pad, you need to realize how meaningless this entire 3-hour-finale is. Nothing happens. For this entire season, nothing has happened. This show is just crying, screaming, sex and silicone. I hate this show so much. I spend a lot of time thinking of creative metaphors for torture, but I sincerely mean it when I say that I would rather have taken the claw end of a hammer to the crotch than watch these 6 episodes. This show is poison. It’s filth. We’re burning the Earth and salting the soil for our future generations. There can be no hope for a future if 20 million people watch this show. There is no hope. No hope.

Anyway, back to the recap, Vienna and Jake are still crying and arguing about their past relationship. The studio audience has recovered from the Jackie/Bean Bag news to act shocked about their struggles.

Jake takes Casey Cuddles to task for saying that he wanted to “Punch Jake for America”. Casey Cuddles apologizes and they hug. I just…. I really can’t believe I just typed that, but it happened.

Casey Cuddles is brought up to hot seat next. To this point, not a single second has been dedicated to the finale, the very reason ABC slotted 3 hours of television to the Bachelor Pad tonight.

They play back moments from the season because that’s all they do. Casey Cuddles figures out that everyone hates him and he’s awful. He cries in the hot seat. This has turned into couple counseling for Mr. and Mrs. Mumbles.

Still no finale to report on. We’re just reliving the awful past.

Blake is next on the hot seat. I have mentally checked out at this point. I’m just floating over my body, watching myself type garbage. Harrison rolls out the crazy Melissa/ Blake footage. I cringe again watching how crazy Melissa is. Think Glen Close in ‘Fatal Attraction’.

Blake admits that he used Melissa to win a quarter of a million dollars. I wonder out loud what the score of the Dolphins/ Patriots game might be. My wife tells me to shut up because Melissa is making a point about prostitutes.

When Melissa is done yelling, Blake tells America that he’s in love with Holly. Holly is back stage getting ready to try to win a bunch of money with another man. Blake announces that he and Holly are moving in together… and… they have Michael’s blessing…. Even though… it really hurt him to give it…. Because he loves Holly too.


(by the way, this show is so boring, my wife fell asleep and I woke her up when I was pounding out those exclamation points on my laptop!!!!!)

Finally, Chris Harrison brings out the 4 remaining Bachelor Pad contestants. Harrison announces the Blake / Holly engagement. Michael didn’t know about it. These snakes told this broken hearted man on live television. He’s super crushed and asks them to go to commercial break. They do not. Michael is forced to do that whisper crying thing to America. I didn’t think there were new lows. He recovers and congratulates them. They stop short of running over his legs with a truck.

Graham and Michele Money announce that they’re a couple, as well as Bachelor Pad finalists. Graham is rocking a bow tie. Michele announces her father’s passing and how it brought them together. ABC takes this tender moment and follows it up with a 7-minute promo for one of their horrible fall shows.

The final game begins. The past contestants ask them questions and then vote for who they think should win.

Holly and Michael won the vote. I was assuming this was the end, but Harrison tells us it’s not over. I’ve written 1,764 words and there is still a half-hour left.

Michael and Holly are sequestered. They must choose to either keep or share the prize money. If they both pick ‘share’, they share it. If they both pick keep, the other contestants get the money. If one picks ‘keep’ and one picks ‘share’, the one who picked ‘keep’ gets to keep the money to themselves.

In the end, they both pick ‘share’ and share the money. I gasp.

ABC then spends the finale 11 minutes telling us that Josh Groban is the next Bachelor, even though I already told you that weeks ago.

I hate this show. Luckily, it goes away for 4 months.

I would implore any children watching this to become doctors so they don’t the time to watch horrible Reality Television.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Bachelor Pad- I Hate This Show

Forget everything you know about Power Couples, which is nothing. This game has changed.

Ten plastic beings remain on the Bachelor Pad and ABC has broken down the contest into couples. I know what you’re thinking, “Greg, they can’t do that becau…” SHUT UP! They can do that. They did do that. It’s done.

Before that’s done, they show the aftermath of last week’s Rose Ceremony. Everyone looks exhausted from a long day of backstabbing and being fake. Princess Erica kicks things off with a Hall of Fame quote, “I think everyone just needs to, like, have a good night’s sleep so we can all do our best in the competition because that’s why we’re here.” She makes it sound like they’re Olympic sprinters.

This week’s fun starts with a smutty version of the Newlywed game. It’s taxing, because it makes them all talk about something other than themselves. All remaining contestants must find a partner of the opposite sex and learn as much about each other as possible. The producers find some music that’s really close to every 70’s game show, but not quite.

It’s called the ‘Nearlywed’ game. Do you get the joke? Can you understand the joke there?

Here is the breakdown of the couples remaining. For your reading pleasure, I will power rank them:

1. Casey Mumbles/ Vienna- The most powerful power couple ever. Be afraid, people. They’re my favorite to win because good things happen to despicable people.

2. Graham/ Michele Money- Thrown together by this crazy game. Will they find love? I’m not sure, but they’ll probably have sex under the watchful eye of a night-vision camera.

3. Kirk/Kurt/Ella- Platonical couple interested in winning the money because of mold infestation and debt.

4. Michael/ Holly- Used to be engaged. Michael still loves Holly but
she’s in love with someone else… and that really hurts.

5. Blake/ Erica- A dentist paired with a Velociraptor that gets fat blown into her lips once a week. Blake is on the chopping block. You must use the term ‘chopping block’ because that’s the only term these people know.

The winners get roses, making them safe from elimination and earning them a special date where they will be able to have sex. It’s a big prize so they all head off to different parts of the mansion to study. Kurk and Ella sit in front of a fire to talk. Isn’t it always 75 degrees in Hollywood? Why are there fires? They all wear sweaters and pants too. I’m sweating just thinking about it. That’s why I never became a Hollywood superstar.

The contest is a pointless endeavor to get Michael mad at Blake for openly declaring how bad he wants to steal Holly away from him. It works.

Casey Mumbles knows nothing about Vienna. It’s possible he does, but everyone misinterprets his answers because he has a gym sock stuffed into his throat. Vienna is mad at Casey Mumbles for the entire 2 hours.

Graham and Michele Money rig the contest by answering the same thing for every question. It’s actually brilliant. I can’t believe two people on this show could be so smart.

Blake and Erica come in second place and earn a 1-on-1 date for themselves.

Graham and Money GET A HELICOPTER RIDE FOR THEIR DATE. I wonder if ABC just went out and bought a helicopter at this point for their Bachelor franchise. It would be cheaper than constantly renting. ABC sends them to downtown LA to see the premiere of a movie and there is no doubt that plenty of clips will be provided.

Back at the Mansion, Casey Mumbles and Vienna are fighting. Casey Mumbles ripped the engagement ring off of her finger because she wouldn’t have sex with him. I’m not making that up. Casey tries to smooth things over by mumbling sweet nothings into her ear. At this point, he just wants to cuddle. ABC provides subtitles. I froze my screen to capture this gem.

Jumping back to the Graham/ Money date, they put on bikinis and watch a movie from a pool. ABC got a truckload of cash to show us 15 minutes of the movie while Michele Money relates the plot to her life. I cry a little.

Then, Graham and Michele make out, completely ignoring the movie. Michele wasn’t too worried about her daughter seeing her kiss last night. She was climbing on Graham like a Sherpa on Mt. Everest.

Blake and Erica have their date in a church. Erica announces, several times, that she is going to force Blake to have sex with her. She doesn’t speak in code or innuendo, she says, “I really want to have sex with Blake”.

They’re given roses to save one other couple. They can’t use the roses for themselves. Blake tries to talk strategy while Erica rubs on his leg for 20 minutes. She doesn’t so much beg Blake to sleep with her, as much as threaten.

Could you imagine being Erica’s Dad watching this show with his buddies from work? “Hey, Pete. Your daughter… she’s kind of the biggest slut I’ve ever seen… no offense.”

I know that there is a primal code written into my DNA that requires me to be attracted to a blonde with big boobs, but that woman is the opposite of attractive. Every time she speaks, I want to break a pool cue in half and jam a splintered end into my ear canal, severing all of the essential tissue that gives me the ability to hear. I vote to never hear sound again rather than hear Erica speak 6 meaningless sentences on a ridiculous Reality television show.

Erica mentions that she sees an astrologist who told her that she was going to win Bachelor Pad. I don’t know a ton about Astrology, but I do believe the winning results of Reality TV shows are written in the stars. I remember telling my friends that a cluster of stars looked a lot like Warren Sapp dancing and that Warren Sapp was going to win Dancing with the Stars. My friends didn’t listen. They’re stupid.

Erica then continues to try to rape Blake. Blake tries to talk her out of her advances and says that, if he sleeps with another girl, he’d be “The most flip-floppingest, wafflingest person ever”. My stupid 2009 computer doesn’t recognize ‘flip-floppingest’ or ‘wafflingest’.

Back at the house, Holly cries a lot because she likes Blake but doesn’t want to hurt Michael’s feelings.

Blake leaves the church rather than have sex with Erica. It’s a stunning upset.

The next day, Blake and Erica try to leverage their power to save another couple into being saved. They give the roses to the ultimate power couple, Casey Mumbles and Vienna, who promise to save them.

Ella cries a lot and I don’t have the strength to recap any part of that.

Casey and Vienna do not try to save them. Blake and Erica are voted off. After they are voted off, Vienna says, “Well, we tried” and Casey mumbles, “No we didn’t”.

Erica is stunned to be voted off. She says, “Tonight was a great injustice.” I agree with Erica. Tonight was a great injustice. She just articulates everything so perfectly.

Holly passes Blake a note on the way out. It’s a dot-dot-dot on their relationship together. If you understand that reference, you watch too much television.

Next week is the merciful season finale.