Tuesday, December 10, 2013

What Do You Give to the Person Who Has Everything?

What do you give to the person who has everything?

It’s a common question used in marketing slogans and Hallmark Cards this time of year. The answer is, “nothing”. At least it should be. If we’re treating the question like a math equation, you couldn’t possibly give something to someone who has everything. It’s not physically possible. They have everything. You wouldn’t possess something. They’d already have it.

A more realistic answer to the question of what to give to someone who has everything is, “something from your heart”. Again, in a literal sense, that would mean blood. Even if a person doesn’t need blood now, they may need it in the future. If they have “everything” then they would surely have the necessary equipment to properly store your blood until a time when they needed it. So, giving blood is an option.

You could hug them but, some people have issues with physical contact. Actually, a person who has everything would have physical contact issues. They would also have abandonment issues, leukemia and Tourette’s syndrome. Having everything would suck. Sure you have a boat, access to high speed internet and an endless supply of barbeque potato chips, but you also have pink eye and lobster claws. You have everything.

You’d have a super bowl ring. That’s cool. But, try putting a super bowl ring on your obscene lobster-claw fingers. 

I guess, if you had everything, you’d have the ability to transform your lobster claws into normal hands. You’d also have the ability to cure your fever, your fear of being inside and your fear of being outside. You have everything. The person who has everything should be giving me something.

If you have everything, you have a wife and a girlfriend and that is not cool. You’re an adulterer.

If you have everything, you own the Declaration of Independence and a Confederate Flag. What’s it going to be, jerk? Do you love your country or do you still stew over Northern aggression?  Make up your mind.

I don’t think I’ll buy anything for the person who has everything. Everything comes with a price. The person who has everything isn’t even getting the time of day from me. Not that it matters because they already have the time of day, in every time zone and language.

So, what do you give the person who has everything? The answer is “blood” or scratch-off lottery tickets.

Friday, September 6, 2013

America's Next Top Model Recap- The Girl Who's Scared of Clowns

‘America’s Next Top Model’ is in mid-cycle form. Tyra Bank’s motley crew of models is schmizing and booching their way up the fashion ladder. They’re also generating enough sexual tension to power a casino.
We begin this week’s episode with model mansion drama. Nina Cat Ears and Chris H. with the troubled past have a touching chat about their plutonic relationship. Jeremy and Jourdain flirt.

The guys get bored and prank the girls by taping their underwear to the ceiling. The guys’ focus was to take the girls off their game. It backfires. The girls band together and take a naked bubble bath. I did not make that part up.

Following the naked bubble bath (and hats off to that, by the way) the models head off to their first photo shoot. They arrive on a farm owned by the founder of the Emerson clothing line. The contestants are charged with planning, posing, and photographing their own shoot. It’s a lot to ask from people with such troubled pasts.

The models team up and choose their themes. Team Corey goes with ‘Farm Alien Invasion’. Team Marvin does a ‘Farmer’s Daughter’ deal. Team Jourdain just lays on a tractor and looks hot. It’s a win.

Things don’t well on the alien shoot. Phil gets mad and throws a rock. Chris points out how immature this action is because, if someone was walking by, that rock could have killed them. I get choked up because my grandparents were both viciously murdered by a model with ADHD who throw a rock. It’s emotional.

Back at the mansion, Chris starts yelling at Jiana because she sighs. Apparently, sighing was a part of Chris’ troubled past. Jiana leaves the room because, whatever. Chris yells Nina in a language other than English. Nina Cat Ears tries to help Chris because they’ve both have troubled pasts. Chris cries. Then, the models have a conversation about negative energy hug. It’s an insincere hug. Those are the worst kind.

Later in the episode, they replay Phil’s rock throwing and we’re all forced the re-live it. The rock throwing is like a nightmare you can’t wake up from. I just want to put Phil’s rock throwing behind me and CW won’t let me.

It’s prank time again and no one is working on their modeling. The guys put clowns in the girls’ room. Kanani is terrified of clowns and has an asthma attack. SHE HAS AN ASTHMA ATTACK OVER CLOWNS! No one is working on their modeling.

The next photo shoot revolves around nail polish. The guys and girls all put on stylish nail polish. There’s College Football on a different channel. Latin photographer Franco Lacosta takes charge of the shoot by instructing the models to act like birds, fly away and to turn themselves on.

Nina and Chris continue their spat through the photo shoot. Nina can’t pose because she’s still mad at Chris and his troubled past. Lacosta tells Nina that he hates her mouth. That seems cruel. Chris has a terrible shoot because he feels bad about fighting with Nina. Neither model is concentrating on their modeling.

Jeremy the virgin has trouble with his shoot because he’s in love with Jourdain and can’t concentrate on the picture takin’. Jeremy isn’t concentrating on his modeling.
Kanani has trouble with her shoot because she’s still thinking about clowns. She’s distracted. She’s not thinking about her modeling.
‘No Game’ Marvin has a good shoot even though he makes the same face he always makes. I don’t understand modeling. I guess I’m not concentrating on my modeling. Despite the fact that the girls all think he’s pathetic, Marvin is killing this competition. He will go on to become the first model in the history of Earth who is completely incapable of landing a girlfriend.
The models find out that 2 models go home this week and there is a ton of stressing. They all stress. I stress at home. It’s stressful.

Once again, Social Media scores account for a large percentage of the overall grade, even though the show hasn't aired yet. How are these people voting from home on a show they haven't seen?

The two models sent home are Jeremy and Kanani. Kanani does not take elimination well. It doesn’t seem fair. She broke zero fences and threw zero rocks but still lost out to Phil.

There are now nine models remaining. We’ll lose some of the sexual tension opportunities with the loss of Jeremy, but we’ll gain in our average score of sexual experience.

Next week, there’s drama so, we have that to look forward to.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

'America's Next Top Model- Sexy Kitties

Do you like pictures of guys acting like sexually controlled, leather-clad kitty cats? I like to start my ‘America’s Next Top Model’ recaps with a rhetorical question.

Episode 3 of America’s Next Top Model was kind of boring. I know what you’re thinking. How can you take a bunch of models, put them together with a Supermodel, have them whip each other, and still call it boring? That is what I just did. It was boring.

14 contestants remain in this epic battle between male and female models. Fame and riches await the winner. In the meantime, there will be a lot of pictures taken and made-up words used.

We start things out with ‘No Game’ Marvin sharing his Guess clothes with Don. Marvin won a bunch of free clothes last week because he was fierce. Keep up! The boys show off their new and very expensive clothes by playing foosball.

Host Tyra Banks and Judge Rob Evans gather the models together to lay out the week. Rob and Tyra announced that they’re a couple and everyone screams. There is so much screaming on this show. It was a false alarm. Tyra and Rob were totally LOLing because it was a goof. It was a good goof. I felled for it. They totally goofed me.

Tyra announces that the first photo shoot will be about chemistry and inhaling. This show is a lot like life. It’s all chemistry and breathing. They pair off the models for their chemistry/inhale shoot. The theme of the photo shoot is Sexy/Fierce. I’m pretty sure that’s the theme of every photo shoot, but I don’t argue.

Tyra brings out Victoria Secret Supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio to help with the shoot. There is more screaming. I make a noise, but it’s not really a scream. It’s more like a groin groan. Allesandra is attractive.

Make-up is next. Nina Cat Ears gets her face painted like a cat. Phil and Jeremy put on spiked collars and act like cats. There’s a lot of cat action going on. I call it ‘Caction’. If Tyra can use words that don’t’ exist, I can use words that don’t exist. Tyra paints X’s on a couple of the guy’s faces. I think it’s symbolism for something.

Mike the non-Ice Cream Truck guy is having trouble finding his emotions. The attractive photographer lady gives him some pointers. The pointers help. Mike finds his emotions. I’m confused because Mike’s face looks the same, with or without emotions. I have a lot to learn about modeling and chemistry and inhaling.

ANTM2When leather cat pictures are finished, the models head back to their mansion to jump on a table. Then, a limo brings them to the next photo shoot. I don’t know why the limo didn’t just take them to the next shoot. It seems like a waste of fuel, but I don’t argue.

It is announced that, aside from sexy cat week, it’s also makeover week. You guys, try to keep up.

The models select cards that tell them how they are to be made over. Each time a card is selected, everyone screams. ‘America’s Next Top Model’ has robbed me of 17% of my hearing.

Some of the models do not like their makeover. Cory has his head shaved. He says that he doesn’t want to cry and that he’s trying not to cry. I make the same pact at home. Cory rises above his head shaving and brings the fierceness.

A fat guy with a lot of hair on his back walks in to explain manscaping. Manscaping is the removal of a man’s body hair. My computer needs to learn about manscaping because it keeps underlining the word with a red squiggly line. My computer is not fierce.

Some woman in a lab coat brings out hot wax and starts ripping off hair. There is more screaming. They ripped this bit off of ’40-year old Virgin’.

Meanwhile, Jourdain is getting her hair bleached blonde. Jourdain is upset because they’re changing her hair color. She doesn’t want people to think she’s dumb because she’s blonde. Jourdain doesn’t understand that hair dye does not actually alter DNA. It’s sad because people are going to think Jourdain is dumb, but it has nothing to do with her hair. Plus, she spells her name wrong.

Chlea and Judge Kelly Cutrone had a fight last week. They talk things out and make up. It’s a spiritual makeover. Spiritual makeovers are boring because, when they’re completed, no one screams.

Phil doesn’t like how his makeover is going. He’s bummed out. Everyone comes over to give him words of encouragement to help him through the traumatic period of his life. I pause the broadcast to run to church and light a candle. Phil digs deep and inhales and stuff. It works. Phil lives.

The judges judge the makeover photos. Once again, Social Media scores are included in the final tally, which makes NO SENSE BECAUSE THE SHOW IS AIRED WEEKS AFTER THE RESULTS WERE ALREADY DETERMINED? HOW DOES THIS SHOW CONTROL TIME?

Some of the models score well. Some don’t. Tyra critiques Phil by saying, “I wanna see a booch. This was your time to boy booty tooch.” I’m confused, but the CW pulls up a graphic to explain that Phil’s butt is not currently a ‘booch’. I now know the difference between when a man has his butt properly positioned to booch and when a man does not. I feel like I should get a retro college credit or something.

Before he’s judged, Cory cries about his bald head, even though he promised that he wouldn’t cry. I feel betrayed.

After the votes are tallied, Chlea is sent home. That’s life. One moment, you’re inhaling and spiritually made over, the next moment, you’re kicked off of a Reality TV show.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

'America's Next Top Model'- Walking Down Buildings

Don't worry. She's not really pregnant and he's not really an Ice Cream Truck guy.
'America’s Next Top Model' didn’t waste any time incorporating buildings into Cycle 20. This week, there’s a really tall building and the 16 remaining contestants will walk down that building. This episode combines fear with posing. Somewhere out there, a guy with big glasses and a hat that looks like a hammock has invented the word ‘fearosing’. It’s week 2 of 'ANTM' and I’ve already run out of things to type.

The contestants face their challenge. A lot of them cry. There’s crying in modeling, apparently. Don says, “God be with me.” I hope some kid’s dog didn’t die after getting hit by a car because God had to help some dude with sparkly eyes walk down a building.

Before ‘Building-Gate’, we get to learn a little more about our remaining 16 contestants. Chris S. is a southern rebel. Bianca’s name is actually Bianca and she isn’t afraid of heights. We discover that Mike, the Ice Cream truck worker is really a model and not a ‘Cinderella Story’ Ice Cream truck worker discovered by Tyra Banks and given a once-in-a-lifetime chance to escape the badlands of America. Mike likes Bianca and Bianca likes Mike. The CW is probably excited for their innocent sexual tension. Nina wears cat ears because she probably thinks she’s a cat.

The models take their place outside of the building they are about to descend. They’re all wearing Guess jeans, which is what you wear when you’re climbing down a building. The music used for this challenge makes it clear that someone is about to die… or model, or something. Cory says, “This requires so much core strength and leg strength but, you still have to be fierce.” Something tells me I’m going to be sick of the word ‘fierce’ by the end of the season.

It starts to rain, making the building walk more dangerous and fierce. I don’t know how the CW got it to rain. Hopefully, they share this technology with farmers.

Chris S. and Cat Ears go first. They’re strapped into harnesses and take a step. We hear thunder. A bunch of people in the crowd below put their hands over their mouth. The show goes to commercial. So, Chris S. and Cat Ears are dead.

Oh, wait guys. They didn’t die. That was a TV trick. Cat Ears just slipped. They walk down the building without dying. More models walk down the building. Jourdain is nervous because she spells her name wrong and she has to walk down the building with Chris H. Chris H. is the immature guy who puts on boxing gloves and punches people in the crotch because he had a rough childhood. It happens. Despite his trouble past, Chris H. manages to walk down the building with Jourdain without pulling boxing gloves out of his Guess jeans and punching her in the crotch. I breathe a sigh of relief.

Corey calls his jeans ‘fierce’. None of the models appear poised or fierce until they reach the ground. There’s a lot of slipping. The whole exercise seems pointless. Some girl named Jiana falls and they show one of the judge ladies shaking her head while watching on a monitor. The judge lady is disappointed that Jiana couldn’t walk down a wet building without making a mistake. These judges are fierce!
Much like Chris H., Don had a troubled past. Apparently, you can’t be 'America’s Next Top Model' unless you have had a troubled past. Don has trouble walking down the building due to his troubled past. Renee does a good job walking down the building because her grandmother died 9 years ago. This show is unpredictable, at best.

When they’re done walking, they announce the best and worst two people to walk down the building. Mike, the Ice Cream truck guy who is not an Ice Cream truck guy loses for being stiff. Bianca loses because she fell off the building instead of walking down it.

The finalists of this challenge were Marvin, who wanted to keep his Guess clothes because he doesn’t have a lot of clothes (troubled past, probably) and Renee. Renee wins. Renee is really good at walking down buildings, you guys. She’s fierce. She gets a giant key to stay in a Tyra Banks suite and clothes.

Back at the Model mansion, Marvin tries to sleep with all of the female models. It’s what you d
o when you live in a Model mansion. Marvin isn’t very good at getting women to have sex with him. I’m guessing it has to do with the number of teeth in his mouth. He’s like a Great White shark.
Up next is the photo shoot. Tyra Banks announces that the models are going to get married. Tyra helps with makeup and hair. It’s a big deal.

The photos will institute a new type of technology called ‘Flixel’. Flixel makes certain parts of the photo move. This used to be called ‘video’. We’re progressing as a species.

Jeremy and Jourdain are the first married couple. The theme of their wedding is nudity. Jeremy reminds everyone that he’s a virgin. It’s a helpful reminder because I forgot. I totally went the whole week without bringing up Jeremy’s virginity in conversation. Jeremy says, “I’m actually a virgin so, how am I supposed to pose as a nudist?” Along with never having sex, Jeremy has also never looked up the word ‘sex’ in the dictionary.

Jourdain has a problem looking happy for her wedding shoot because she got married when she was 18 and it didn’t go well (troubled past again!) Jourdain gets her act together and smiles. It’s a heroic feat. She’s like Kerri Strug.
There are more wedding pictures. The CW borrows a couple of little kids to dress things up. Tyra Banks says the words ‘schmize’ and ‘booch’ again.
Don with a troubled past is tasked with posing as the husband of Chris H. with a troubled past. Both men are straight. Both men have troubled pasts. It’s dramatic. These models rise above it all.

Back at the mansion, Mike the non-Ice Cream truck guy drinks a bunch of wine and breaks a cup. Marvin chastises Mike to the camera for not focusing on his modeling. I had no idea that models could stand around and focus on modeling. If, to be a model, you are not given the personal space to drink wine and break cups, I don’t think I’ll ever want to be a model. I don’t possess that level of commitment. Plus, I schmize and booch like it's going out of style.

Fans of 'America’s Next Top Model' get to vote for their favorite models on Social media sites. A disclaimer on the bottom of the screen tells me that it’s too late for me to vote because the voting is closed. I’m pretty sure I’m not watching a re-run. How the hell was I supposed to watch a show before it aired? Why wouldn’t they just edit out references to voting? Don’t tell me that I can vote for my favorites and then deny me that privilege. Now I know how women felt in the 1800’s.

The judges judge and, there’s judging. The word ‘fierce’ is hardly used so I have no idea what is going on. They integrate fans commenting on the Flixels from home. HOW THE HELL DID THEY SEE THE FLIXELS? Why wasn’t I invited to the pre-'America’s Next Top Model' viewing party? How come they never let me join in any reindeer games? It’s all a popularity contest.

Tyra Banks sends two models home, Chris S. and Bianca. There’s sad music and crying. Next week’s theme is ‘Makeovers’. I hope they make this show over into ‘Airwolf’.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Bachelorette Recap- Not Caring That Your Wife Loves Someone Else

Getting Dumped Hurts for a Whole Day!
You know how Algebra class takes forever, ruins your life, and you forget it three seconds after it happens? Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you the finale of a painful Bachelorette season.

Dez (she’s Dez now) has narrowed down her search for wedded bliss to two men. More accurately, Dez had her search narrowed down for her. She loved Brooks. Brooks had other plans.

Last week, Brooks dumped Dez. Keep up! This week, Dez will choose from her remaining two boyfriends who she doesn’t like as much. It’s also possible Brooks could change his mind and come back. It’s also possible that Dez could be visited by Bentley, fall in love with Bentley, and then get dumped by Bentley. Bentley is just that good. You’re probably asking yourself right now, “Who is Bentley?” Dear sweet Jesus above, do I wish I was you.

We begin by recapping last week’s snot-fest. Chris Harrison’s voice over for the montage is as serious as a Doctor telling someone they have 48 seconds to live. ABC then previews the things we are about to see instead of just showing us these things AND SAVING US TIME SO WE DON’T HAVE TO SPEND 3 HOURS OF OUR LIVES WHEN ALL WE NEED IS 30 MINUTES!!!

The Bachelorette is giving us a live studio audience, so there are witnesses to the drama. I’m hoping for head shaking and head nodding. Harrison promises us more Dez craziness and the unveiling of the new Bachelor. We’re 2 minutes in and acid has already burned a hole in the wall of my stomach.

We cut to Dez thinking on a porch in Antigua. Keep up! She talks about Brooks breaking her heart. I do some head nodding. Harrison comes in for an interview. Dez can’t even answer a simple ‘How are you?’ question without crying. Harrison says that he understands her pain, while simultaneously doing nothing to help her.

Dez snots a little and then starts to talk about her remaining two boyfriends. She smiles and starts to accept second place. Soft piano music enters the scene to tell us that Dez has been visited by ABC lawyers who persuaded her that she better start falling in love with Drew or Chris. Dez goes back to her thinking porch to think. This girl is like Buddha.

Next up is a Rose Ceremony. I guess someone felt the need to finish last week’s show. Two roses will be given to two guys. Neither of them is loved. It’s a waste or roses.

Dez stares at the two pictures of the guys she’s about to give roses to. Chris Harrison brings Drew and Chris up to speed on the Brooks dumping. Then, he brings Dez out so she can continue with the charade of being interested in two men she wasn’t interested in the previous day.

Before handing out the roses, Dez bursts into tears because Brooks dumped her. It must be super comfortable to be Drew and Chris, knowing you’re a set of steak knives. Drew and Chris both know their role so they accept their second place rose trophies. Then, they hug, one at a time. It’s fun to watch Drew’s face while he watches his girlfriend hug her other boyfriend while still crying over the other boyfriend who dumped her… in Antigua.

After a commercial break, Chris Harrison asks the live studio audience questions. It’s a great idea. The first hopeless woman tells Harrison that she thinks Brooks is coming back. Boom! The second cat owner says that she’s on Team Chris. That declaration is followed by other cat owners in the audience who are also on Team Chris. I open a new window and search East Bay for Team Chris and Team Drew jerseys. They don’t exist… yet.
Team Chris and Team Drew Both Lose!

Harrison asks the audience if anyone is on Team Drew. The response is not great. Team Drew isn’t popular. He needs a new marketing team.

We’re back from commercial and Dez checks her hair in the mirror with a camera guy 26 inches away. She thinks about Drew because he has the first date and she has to hurry up and convince herself that she loves someone other than Brooks.

She rides up to Drew on a horse while he’s on foot. It’s a weird mounted v. non-mounted confrontation. ABC gives Drew a horse and they ride their horses to the ocean… on Antigua. Dez doesn’t even give Drew 3 minutes before she realizes she can’t force herself to love him, no matter how hard the ABC lawyers punch her off camera.

Dez decides to dump Drew on a beautiful beach. Drew sees it coming and gets a pained look on his face. On  a scale of 1-to-10, my discomfort is a 5. Dez tries to start dumping Drew, but she can’t stop crying. My discomfort climbs to 8. Before I lose it, Drew helps with the dumping by finishing her “You’re dumped” speech. He fills in the part about him being dumped and tells her not to be sorry for dumping him. Then he says, “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Drew takes the Antiguan dumping well. Dez sits there like a tool and says nothing. They hug goodbye. That’s a lot of content for one Bachelorette finale and we still HAVE TWO HOURS AND TWENTY MINUTES OF SHOW LEFT! I WILL FIND YOU, ABC GUYS! I WILL FIND YOU AND DO SOME OF THE STUFF THAT LIAM NEESON DOES IN ‘TAKEN’.

Drew gets some time to tell America and Canada how confused he is. A Camera guys follows him off the beach right after he’s dumped. The camera is in his face the entire time. I give him credit for not getting stabby. He didn’t even get ab-rubbing ‘Hot Tub’ time with Dez. I would be irritable. Drew got jobbed. Drew cries himself into the ‘Dumped’ limo.

The shocked faces of the live studio audience members after Drew’s dramatic dump scene are priceless. They look like I must look when I see people littering.

Coming back from commercial, the same studio audience that cried for Drew is now applauding like fans behind the opposition’s free-throw basket (Sports quota filled). Dez meets Chris for their date. They’re going on a boat ride. I make note of the fact that Chris does not have any pens or paper on his person. We may get some poem-free television here. Chris apologizes to Dez for Brooks dumping her. It doesn’t make a ton of sense.

Dez and Chris hug on their boat. No one has said Antigua in 30 minutes so they both take turns saying Antigua. They play and laugh on their boat. I’ve never noticed it before because he’s always reading poems but, Chris is a tremendous dork.  Dez doesn’t notice because she’s telling the camera that she’s starting to convince herself that she really loves Chris and can’t even remember old ‘What’s his name’ who dumped her 30 hours ago.

Dez and Chris up the fun by jumping into the ocean. I wonder, if either of them got stung by a jellyfish, would ABC show them peeing on each other? It’s not like I want to see that. I wouldn’t even watch if Dez peed on Chris or if Chris peed on Dez. It’s just a hypothetical question.

They’re done playing in the ocean. Keep up! They go back to a hotel suite where there is a ton of paper. Chris proposes a toast and I’m positive he’s about to read a goddamned poem. Some mandolin music kicks in and it’s clear ‘Poem’ time is a coming.

ABC interns have placed candles on a shelf. These candles are underneath wicker baskets. Wicker, I’m pretty sure, is very flammable. I suddenly have hope that their suite could start on fire and all poems could be consumed by the flames. Good job, Bachelorette interns!

Dez sits on the couch and continues to convince herself that Chris isn’t an annoying, poem-reading psychopath. Chris remarks how great they are together. Dez is all, “Oh yeah! I do love you! I can’t even remember being dumped a few seconds ago by that guy who made me cry more than hungry orphans on Christmas.”

Chris asks Dez if she wants him to meet her parents. It reminds me that Dez’s terrible brother hasn’t made an appearance yet. I cheer up a little. Dez agrees to bring Chris and her family together. These lawyers have really done a job on her.

We’re almost to a commercial and Chris pulls a book out of a drawer. Why can’t they treat him like a prisoner on suicide watch and take all of his writing utensils away? It’s a diary. He’s giving Dez a diary. The back of the diary is filled with his poems. Gag. They make out a little. We’re over an hour into, what is supposed to be, slurp-fest 2013 and this is the first slurp. Dez seems happy. Then, she talks to the camera a little and she starts snotting all over again. She says that she doesn’t know what being loved feels like. Dez has never pulled out a stack of singles at a strip club before.

As we head to commercial, ABC shows us the moon. Thanks, ABC!

We’re back to the live studio audience. Harrison is holding a microphone that he isn’t talking into. I panic because it’s clear he’s about to hand that mic to someone. It turns out that ‘someone’ is a bunch of former Bachelor franchise contestants, here to grab more fame. Giant religious Sean and his fiance Catherine announce that they’re still together. It’s a more astounding feat than the sub-4-minute mile.

Sean and Catherine give us their thoughts on Dez’s journey as if we cared at all. There is a ton of talking. ABC is terrible. Now, Dez’s friends are talking. By “friends” I mean “Girls that Dez competed with for Sean, the guy across the room getting married to a different girl”. Keep up!

While these idiots talk, audience members do their duty and nod their heads in agreement with everything being said, even when nothing is said. While a girl named Leslie is talking, my wife says, “She looks like a puma… a pretty puma.”

I need to stop the recap and ask you girls out there, is it okay to have your looks compared to those of a puma if the beholder thinks that you’d be a pretty puma?

We’re back to the recap. Holy cow, keep up! Dez is back on the porch thinking. If she was the President of America, nothing would ever get done. We’d need a presidential thinking porch. Chris arrives at Dez’s hotel to meet her family, including the brother from hell. ABC dresses the evil brother in a striped shirt to make him seem less like a thug. It’s funny seeing a Gap shirt covering up prison tattoos.

The family grills Chris with questions. Chris is clearly intimidated by Dez’s brother, even though he seems to be behaving. They’re all apparently happy with his answers because they nod like crazy.

Evil brother asks Chris if he would get married to Dez if he wins the Game Show. Chris says 100%. As much as I dislike Chris, I admire his ability to stay between 0-and-100%.

Dez’s Dad pulls Chris aside for a talk. Chris is planning on asking Dad for permission to marry Dez. While he’s talking, there’s a bug or a bird making a sound like windshield wipers. What the hell is wrong with the bugs in Antigua? It makes following the dialogue confusing. Plus, the dialogue sucks.

Chris pops the question to Dez’s Dad. There’s some soft piano. While Dad says yes, the piano turns into guitar and we’re rocking out to matrimonial approval.

Dez takes Chris into an Antiguan driveway to make out with him before he leaves. With Chris out of sight, Dez’s brother and his scorched forehead sit down with Dez to talk. Evil brother says nice things about Chris. Then, bro brings up Brooks. Piano guy is back in charge for dramatic ‘Brooks’ music. It’s clear Brooks is not out of the picture yet. It sounds to me like interns need to ready the thinking porch. Dez has got some thinking to do.

This recap is entirely too long and I’m only halfway through. I apologize for that.

Chris gets ready for the final Rose ceremony by standing in a doorway to think while not wearing a shirt. ABC also captures him walking and thinking. Meanwhile, Dez gets changed and thinks. There’s a lot going on.
Chris sits down with the diamond guy for our annual paid programming. We’re treated to some giant diamonds. I wonder if Neil Lane the diamond guy beats his help. I doubt it. I’m sure a guy that rich can hire help to beat his help. He probably has an endless staff of staff beaters.

Chris arrives in a limo. Dez is crying to the camera because she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. I’m guessing, if she dumps Chris, Neil Lane gets his diamond back.

Chris starts talking and doesn’t seem to stop forever. He cries and proposes marriage. Before he gets down on his knee, Dez interrupts him. She makes sure that he’s cool with how much she was into Brooks. While she’s explaining this, she’s bawling. She says that she was so blind-sided by Brooks dumping her that she didn’t realize how much she loved Chris. That’s a big hairy ball of bull crap!

Dez doesn’t dump Chris. She accepts her 2nd place prize and, much worse, her 2nd place prize accepts being Garfunkel. They cry and make out in mediocrity. ABC smiles because they got their ‘kind of’ happy ending. We still have an hour to go but, this is the worst ending in Bachelor/Bachelorette history.

They play happy music and show the happy moments that Dez and Chris had throughout the season. They omit the part where Dez got dumped by Brooks and cried for an hour and 15 minutes while talking about how she didn’t love “the other two”. They do not omit a Chris poem. I hate this show. I don’t think I’d like to be in the same room with Chris while he watches the season back. That would be… uncomfortable.

The studio audience is thrilled. They clap like they didn’t just watch replacement players win the Division II National Championship. Chris Harrison is happy because he gets paid to do nothing. He says, “How good was that?” He must not have heard me shout, “It was terrible!” because he keeps talking about how good it was.

The final hour is terrible. They interview Desiree. They call her Desiree. I thought she was Dez now.

Dez is really nervous because she has to explain to America how she is faking a relationship with a guy who reads poems. Harrison actually does something by asking her how she got engaged to a guy who she didn’t love 15 minutes before getting engaged. Dez says, “Chris was always there and I was always falling in love with him.” It makes sense. I take back everything I typed about this show.

Harrison says he’s brining Brooks out. Harrison warns Dez how difficult it’s going to be to see Brooks. Harrison does not, however, offer to NOT bring Brooks on the show. Brooks walks out to thunderous applause from women who simultaneously hate him and desire sex with him.

Brooks is already crying before he begins to talk. Dez asks Brooks why he dumped her. He says, “Good question.” They talk and there’s talking. Dez accepts the explanation of the dumping with poise. Everyone laughs, except me. Luckily for Chris, Dez doesn’t straddle Brooks at any point during their talk.

Dez says that she doesn’t regret getting dumped by Brooks. They tell Brooks that Dez chose to get engaged to the guy who reads poems. Brooks congratulates her and the audience claps. Everyone is happy, except for me… and maybe Drew.

Harrison brings Drew out next to make sure we don’t go 8 minutes without someone crying. The audience claps for and swoons over Drew because he’s wearing a suit. He tells America that he’s still in recovery over his Antiguan dumping. Cameras pan to the audience and we see a guy. There’s a guy in the audience!

Drew runs down the details of his dumping. It’s painful. He tells Chris Harrison that he isn’t angry and then thanks Dez for dumping him. Someone wants to be the Bachelor.

Drew almost escapes with dignity but he stops and asks Dez what he could have done to not get dumped. It’s not a good question to ask. He spirals down further by asking more questions about why she liked other guys better. I start to sweat. Drew presses her on when she stop loving him. It’s pathetic. It’s not as pathetic as getting dumped by a man and then getting engaged to a different guy hours after saying you didn’t love him, but it’s pathetic.

Chris comes out to talk about the crap we’ve seen four times. Dez and Chris fake make out to pretend like she loves him. Chris Harrison asks Chris if he trusts the fake love Dez has declared. Despite having seen the episode where Dez snotguns boogers all over Antigua over her love for Brooks, Chris says yes.

I’m really tired. They re-show Chris’s proposal. There’s more talking. Dez is going to move to Seattle to further her lie. Chris reads another horrible poem because God hates me. He screws up while reading his own poem. It makes me think that he doesn’t even write his own poems. ABC probably has the candle interns write them.

Chris Harrison announces that Juan Pablo will be the next Bachelor. The live audience has a collective orgasm. Harrison interviews Juan Pablo and I don’t really understand anything he says. I can just picture ABC executives forcing Juan Pablo to Rosetta Stone. So, next season, we get to look forward to broken English and the exploitation of Juan Pablo’s daughter. It’s sweet. I’m glad Juan Pablo tested well with sample audiences.

While the credits roll, Juan Pablo hugs all 300 audience members.

I don’t have to recap the Bachelor until January. I feel like Andy Dufresne, crawling out of the sewer pipe. There’s an entire NFL season in between me and another Bachelor recap. If you read this recap to the bottom, I’ll buy you ice cream.

Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and can’t afford to buy you ice cre

Friday, August 2, 2013

America's Next Top Model- Season Premiere

‘America’s Next Top Model’ enters into its 20th cycle. Other shows have seasons. ‘America’s Next Top Model’ has cycles. That’s what sets it apart… I think. This is my first time watching the show.
I have never watched ‘America’s Next Top Model’. I’ve been recruited by Starpulse (I begged) to watch and recap ‘America’s Next Top Model’. My High School Guidance Counselor’s assessment is now 100% accurate.

There is a new wrinkle to the CW’s #1 show. There are now male model contestants, which is lucky for me. Sixteen men and women battle it out for a $100,000 ‘Guess’ ad campaign and a modeling contract with Next Model Management. The stakes are high. No one is pretending like the stakes aren’t high. Perception of stakes is evident. They’re high.

The premiere will be shown in two parts. To open our program, the star of our show, Tyra Banks unveils the addition of men. She says, “That was then, this is now.” She frames her face when she says, “this is now.” I now understand when now is. 

We’re treated to video footage of the men and women under consideration for the 20th cycle. There is a montage of girl models and a montage of guy models. My first impression is that everyone needs a sandwich.

I’m not really sure what happens next. They piece together video of three guys saying, “I can smize but I ain’t gonna tooch. I’m a guy. We booch”. We’re 38 seconds into the show and I’ve already used Urbandictionary.com 12 times. Of the hundreds of definitions for the word ‘booch’, my favorite is “Booch- A word used to displace a noun that shows distaste for the replaced noun.” Go ahead and win your next game of Scrabble with ‘booch’.

One hundred or so models stand in a room to be scrutinized. Tyra walks into the room and everyone screams. Tyra is attractive. Tyra Banks asks the room of semifinalists, “Who’s taking it?” Everyone in the room screams. I guess they are all taking it. This show is confusing.

The models are asked to walk. They walk. The judges judge. Decisions are made as to which of the models will move on to the next round of qualifying. Tyra personally calls the 35 semifinalists so we can see video of them screaming. There’s a ton of screaming on this show. We are mercifully sent to a commercial break so I can catch my breath.

The 35 semifinalists arrive in LA on a bus. There’s a ton of talking. A white guy on the bus raps and, as contractually obligated, starts his rap with , “My name is…”

They arrive in a hotel banquet room. Much of this show consists of a random person asking, “What’s up?” followed by people screaming.

We’re slowly introduced to the more interesting contestants. A guy named Jeremy tells America he’s a virgin. He also says that he’s a big ladies guy. It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. A woman named Virgg explains that she is transgender. It would probably be uncomfortable to watch this show with my brothers. Ashley puts a question mark at the end of every sentence she speaks? So everything she says is a question? A girl named Jourdan spells her name incorrectly and tells the camera, “I got married at 18 and divorced at 18. I regret it but, it’s made me what I am today.” Basically, it’s made her 19.

Some girl named Alexander either has to scream or cry in order to communicate. It must suck taking her order through a Drive-thru window.

The contestants are challenged with their first challenge. The first event is a thing where the models walk. Everyone is nervous about it. The guys and girls take turns choosing a partner to walk the runway and, when they reach the end, they must kiss. It’s like sexy Red Rover. This challenge takes modeling and adds the dramatic twist of kissing complete strangers.

Kanani puts it best when she says, “I love runway life. My walk is, like, on point. So, I’m like, I’m gonna rock it out, but, like, I’m tired of seeing girls, like, where are the guys?” This show is definitely opening up new doors for me, model-wise.

The models walk, kiss and pose. Some of them do well, I think. Everyone is wearing masks. I’m having trouble telling people apart. It’s all happening so fast.
Up next is the interview portion of our show. It’s hard to keep up because Tyra keeps switching to a British accent halfway through her sentences. Tyra brings one of the models out, asks them a question, and then has them take off their shirt. This continues until they’re out of models.

Marvin from the Bronx has a mouth like a tarpon. I guess that’s a good thing for models. Growing up, Marvin was ashamed of his janitor Dad. The judges like that he has a janitor Dad, so it worked out for Marvin. Tyra extols the benefits of janitor dads by snapping her fingers and pointing a lot. Marvin changes his tune and yells, “My Dad’s a janitor!” It’ only the first episode and we’re already working out psychological issues. This show is changing my life.
A girl named Anjel had trouble walking. Keeping score, it’s good for models to have janitor Dads but bad for models to have trouble walking.

Jourdan, the 19-year old divorcee, tells the sad story of her drug-using Dad. Drug-using Dads are much different than janitor Dads. Drug-using Dads help you build character, but Tyra doesn’t snap her fingers when she talks about Drug-using Dads. Are you even still reading this recap?

A girl named Nina weighs 58 pounds and has a collection of woodchucks in her refrigerator. Everyone on Reality TV has a terrible back story. Many of these contestants had janitor Dads or worse. Phil has a beard and wears duct tape shoes. They fail to mention his Dad’s occupation so we’re not clear on his plight.

Back stage, people are dancing. It’s nuts. One of the girls accurately depicts the scene by saying it’s ‘Macadamia’ nuts, so we know the score.

Producers stick the contestants into a van and drive them to a mansion to announce the finalists. They could have made the cuts in the banquet hall and saved on gas but, America’s Next Top Model is not about fossil fuel conservation. What they waste in fuel, they save in lunch supplies.
A guy named Ronald was eliminated. He tells the camera that his elimination is not a set-back. Ronald needs to become a model because he will have trouble finding work in any field that involves the English language. Episode 1 of Cycle 20 comes to an end.

Episode 2

The stakes are announced early. This hour, 10 contestants will be eliminated. I get excited because, at this rate, this cycle will only last 2 weeks.

We open the episode with the contestants hanging out in the kitchen of their mansion and eating food. I’m assuming that the food is not real, based on the number of rib cages I’ve seen.

Marvin re-tells his janitor Dad story. They show us a picture of his janitor Dad being a janitor. One of the girls uses the word “Misconscrewed” in a sentence.

It’s hard to understand what anyone is saying because there is a steady stream of screaming in the background of every segment. It’s like a ‘Saw’ movie. When Tyra enters the mansion, the contestants scream. NASA needs to harness this energy. The screaming on this show could power schools.

It’s time for Tyra to give out some advice to the ladies. Bianca says, “Tyra’s advice is the most important advice I’ll ever get from anyone.” Microphones pick up on some of Tyra’s advice. She gathers the women in a circle and tells them, “A man wants a woman who is a like an animal in the jungles of Africa.” I get choked up because my Dad gave me the same advice before I went to college.

A professional model named Rob Evans sits the guys down to give them advice. Rob is British, I think. People will just speak British on this show and I’m not worldly enough to tell if they’re faking or if they’re really British.
There’s a contestant named Delten. Delten was a plumber from Alaska and now has a 1-in-20 chance of winning Amercia’s Next Top Model. The most amazing part about this is that 2 people would name their son ‘Delten’. Delten obviously had a rough upbringing because his jacket only comes down to his nipples. He can’t even afford a full jacket.

There’s a lull in the show so a guy named Chris grabs some boxing gloves and starts punching guys in the crotch. These kids need some video games or drugs.

Next comes a photo shoot. I’m assuming there will be a lot of these. The photo shoot takes place on a building in Los Angeles. A giant projector broadcasts the pictures to passersby. It’s a good example of driver distraction.

A guy named Cory is wearing a shirt that looks like one of those ropes that holds hanging plants. This show is definitely opening new doors for me, fashion-wise.

A girl uses the word ‘significent’, and I’m not sure if she misspoke or if ‘sigficent’ is a word that kids are using now. This show is definitely opening new doors for me, vocabulary-wise.

The photo shoot is over and we’re back at the mansion. Keep up! Jeremy and Jourdan like each other and will probably annoy America with romantic misunderstandings.
Marvin comes back in front of the camera to cry about his janitor Dad again. Producers set up a touching segment where Marvin calls his janitor Dad to thank him for being janitor Dad. Some of this exchange is in Spanish but, I think I got the gist of it. Marvin’s Dad is a janitor.

Nina sits in front of the camera to talk about Chris. No one likes Chris because he puts on boxing gloves and punches people in the crotch. Nina wants to help Chris so she sits him down to talk out his issues. Chris tells Nina that he puts on boxing gloves and punches guys in the crotch because his Mother never told him she loves him. I have something in my eye.

Nina wears cat ears. She tells the camera that she’s more quirky than sexy. I disagree because she’s rocking those cat ears.

We come back from commercial to some shots of the homeless bearded guys lifting sculptures to keep in shape. This show is definitely opening new doors for me, workout-wise.

Virgg is taking hormones to complete her transition into womanhood. The hormones are making it hard to model. Apparently, modeling is the opposite of baseball. Everyone supports Virgg so they sit on the floor to tell her encouraging things.
Despite the things, Virgg wants to leave the show. She walks into Tyra’s trailer to break the news of her departure. Virgg and Tyra cry. They’re crying, and now my wife is crying and I’m crying and everybody is crying.

The cut down to 10 comes next. Tyra consults with her panel to discuss the contestants. One of the guys on the panel is wearing giant white bunny ears. It’s a nice distraction from his shirt. I didn’t drink enough to recap this show.

Tyra walks out to begin the end ceremony. The contestants scream as if they haven’t just spent a week 20-feet away from her. There is just so much screaming. Tyra brings out Paul Marciano. He tells the contestants something but I’m not sure what it is because Paul is from France.

Tyra announces the contestants going through to the next round. Before Tyra calls out a name, she says, “The next name I’m going to call out is…” She would save so much time if she just called out the name.
The final name called is Marvin. He cries. His Dad is a janitor.

Delten was one of the guys sent home. Delten isn’t sure what he’s going to do now. You can’t go back to plumbing Alaska when you’ve been this close to the top. One thing is for sure, Delten’s twitter handle is @delten because no one else on Earth is named ‘Delten’.

Next week, the contestants are going to walk down a building. I punch a hole in my wall because I don’t want to wait 7 days.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Bachelorette Recap- Covering Antigua in Snot

2 hours of this.

If Mongols were to storm the set of ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ during tonight’s episode and murder the cast and crew, I shall not be surprised. The teaser footage suggests that anything can happen. Dez could find love, Dez could get rejected, Dez might even find a renewable energy source. This show has no rules. We’re crawling to the finish line like a snail in the desert and our slime trail stretches back for miles. It’s time for Dez to have sex with three men and then dump one of them. It’s Fantasy Suite week.  It’s the Bachelorette.

I’m not going to lie to you guys, I thought the finale was tonight. ABC keeps branding this as a 2-part finale. So, there’s this part and then next week’s part. Why stop there, ABC? Why not call the season a 10-part finale? Jerks. Did you know that the word ‘jerks’ could be a sentence on its own? My computer doesn’t.

Dez (she’s Dez now) has narrowed down her husband hunt to three forgettable contestants; what’s his name, Brooks and that guy. If you’ve ever spent time in an Emergency Room waiting area, or attended a lecture on Art History, you know how long 2 hours can be. While physically impossible, this show stretches 2 hours into 4 or 5 hours. This show has no rules; therefore, rules of nature also do not apply.

We begin the night with lots ‘o’ footage of stuff we’ve already seen. ABC continues the anticipation of terrible things to come by showing the terrible things that have happened this season; Dez getting dumped by the nice Army guy, Dez dumping some of her boyfriends, people being there for the wrong reasons.

This is what thinking looks like.

We get footage of Dez at her luxury resort thinking about these moments while staring off into the ocean. I wasn’t positive that Dez was going to think this week but, we get proof. I’m grateful to the ABC camera people for capturing the thinking. Dez says, “I’m so excited to stay at the Veranda resort in Antigua”. That was my yearbook quote.

Dez thinks about Drew, Chris, and Brooks. You see and hear her thoughts because she tells them to Bachelorette producers. These producers are taping the whole thing. They show us it.

We cut from Dez thinking to Brooks talking. Keep up! Brooks hasn’t told Dez he loves her (gasp). She says that they have the sort of love that is unspoken. Whatever gets you through the day, Dez. She says, “I picture him as that fun-loving goofy father”. Who the hell has a fun father? Father’s shouldn’t be fun. Fathers need to make sure that you do your Math homework. Kids don’t need goofy. Serial killers have goofy Dads.

Drew gets the first date in Antigua. They’re in Antigua. ABC makes sure everyone is constantly saying ‘Antigua’, because that’s where they are. They’re in Antigua. They drive an Antigua jeep. They make out in their jeep.

The jeep pulls up to a prearranged Antigua party. Drew says, “These are the kinds of things we’d do if we were married”. That’s right, Drew. Marriage is all about calypso drums and parties. That’s all marriage is. You never spend 17 minutes in a your car, parked in front of a Walmart, arguing about whether or not kitchen molding has to be the same color as the kitchen floor (it doesn't).  There’s none of that. It’s all hot tubs and oceans. Marriage is easy. You never walk extra slow to take out the garbage, just for the quiet.

When they’re done having fun, Dez and Drew talk about the fun time they’ve had. Then, they make out. There is Antiguan slurping. Drew thinks that he has found his soul mate. What are the odds? She was on TV and he found her!

When we come back from commercial, ABC puts a banner at the bottom of the screen to remind us that Dez and Drew are in Antigua. I had almost forgotten. The couple makes out in the rain, by the fire. They made the poor Bachelorette interns make a fire in the rain. I'll bet Adele is all, "Damn straight!" Dez and Drew can’t eat dinner outside by their intern-made fire, so they go inside to show how flexible they are, rain-wise.

Dez and Drew escape to their Fantasy Suite. Um… Dez hands Drew the Fantasy Suite card while they’re in the Fantasy Suite. It’s a strong move by Dez. Get him there first, then hand him the card. Drew agrees to have sex with Dez.

Drew wants to be Dez’s husband. He says, “I’ve spent what feels like an eternity with her”. It hasn’t quite been an eternity. It’s been 9 weeks. We’re 18 minutes into this episode and it feels like an eternity so I don’t argue.

Dez and Drew go into the bedroom in which they will have sex. They’re followed by a couple of camera guys and a boom mic guy. They remark how romantic the bed is, covered in rose pedals. These interns had to start a fire, cover the bed in roses, AND light 600 candles. As Drew and Dez slurp very loudly on the bed, Drew tells the camera guys to leave so that he can have sex with Dez. The camera guys leave. Dez and Drew have sex.

Brooks is going to have the final date of the evening, but ABC skips ahead for a bit because Brooks isn’t ready to confront Dez on some doubts he’s having. He goes back to his family to talk to them about Dez and love and Antigua. Brooks’ Mom and sister nod a lot as Brooks talks. It seems to be helping.

Brooks doesn’t want to propose to Dez if he isn’t sure that he loves her. Brooks’ sister says, “At this point, you should know if you love her”. So, if you’re keeping score at home, 9 weeks of dating a woman who is also dating dozens of other men is the correct amount of time in which to determine whether or not they are your future wife.

When it is determined that Brooks doesn’t love Dez yet, his family convinces him to dump her on National Television. They say that it’s the right thing to do. I agree. I nod my head at home.

Chris has the next date. They meet on a beach in Antigua. They’re picked up IN A HELICOPTER!!!!!!  The helicopter flies over Antigua. We see it. Chris says, “Dez and I are living on top of the world”. It’s not even a metaphor because the helicopter is up really high. Of course, Chris could have been referring to his feelings. I’m not sure, now. Chris is hard to read. If only he presented his statement in ‘poem’ form.

Chris and Dez land on an island to drink giant fruity drinks. They talk about Chris’ family and how much they love Dez. That’s amazing. Chris' family loved Dez 3 hours after meeting her! What the hell is Brooks’ problem?

Chris and Dez lay on the beach to make out. Producers make sure that they’re properly positioned on the beach to have the waves wash over them as they slurp. I can see the production playing out; Chris and Dez make out, some guy with a clipboard taps Dez on the shoulder and says, “Can you guys scoot down a few feet so the waves can wash over you?”

When they’re done slurping in the ocean, ABC sits them down at a table near the loudest bugs on planet Earth. Chris begins a serious discussion about his future in Seattle while bugs or frogs have loud, screechy sex in the background. Chris asks Dez if she’d move to Seattle with him if he wins the Game Show. Dez says that she likes living in San Diego. It’s uncomfortable. Eventually, Dez agrees to move to Seattle. Then, they make out. Keep up!

We’re almost through the date and Chris hasn’t read a poem yet. I tried not to mention it. It’s like talking to a pitcher about a no hitter (sports quota filled). Dez pulls out the Fantasy Suite card and hands it to Chris. He reads Chris Harrison’s invitation for the two of them to have sex in a really nice room that interns have littered with rose pedals. Chris accepts Chris Harrison’s invitation to have sex with Dez. I grab a tissue because this romantic crap always makes me cry.

On the way to Romper Room, Chris pulls out a poem. He reads it. We hear it. His poem doesn’t even really rhyme. I’m willing to consider that women like poetry but, I’m pretty sure that the poetry has to not suck. At least, while Chris reads his poem, the bugs screech loudly in the background. These Antiguan bugs, they’re tough poetry critics. After the poem, Chris and Dez make out in a pool. Jesus, this show is an hour and fifteen minutes of making out. It’s like super-edited porno.

Brooks has the next date. We’ve been warned that this will be dramatic and painful. Dez spends some time on her balcony thinking about her man before the date. While her voice extolls the virtues of Brooks, ABC shows her putting clothes on. It’s… really awkward. I get that sex sells but, why do they need to show her putting on shorts? Is she cool with this? Did she have to sign a form, agreeing to put on shorts in front of sweaty camera guys and America if she were to become the next Bachelorette? We’ll never know… or care.

Before Brooks picks Dez up to dump her, he stops by Chris Harrison’s hotel room to talk about the best strategy in dumping his Reality TV girlfriend. The hotel room is in Antigua. Harrison steps up his game with some serious head-nodding. He’s a pro’s pro.

I’ll warn you now not to read any of this. There is no content. It’s horrendous television.

Brooks lays out that he’s not sure if he’s in love with Dez. Harrison nods. Brooks is close to deciding that he won’t take this any further. Harrison nods some more. It’s gripping. I grip. Chris Harrison asks Brooks to describe love. Brooks says, “I don’t know how to describe it, Chris”. We go another week without having love described for us.

Finally, Brooks agrees to dump Dez on TV. Harrison confirms the dumping. It is to be. Brooks will dump Dez. Even though the dumping has been confirmed, Harrison continues to beat a dead horse with more questions about love and dumping. He asks Brooks how he feels about dumping Dez. Brooks cries and talks. There is crying and talking. Keep up! The music selected for this boring scene is random piano key banging. This segment of television is 12 minutes too long. Here’s an idea, ABC, make the show an hour long so you don’t have to torture us with pointless ‘Chris Harrison’ interviews.

After Brooks decides to dump Dez, we get video footage of him sitting on a chair and thinking about how he’s about to dump Dez. He fixes his hair and thinks. There’s a ton of thinking, guys. You have no idea.
Next comes the dramatic nightmare we’ve been teased about the entire season. Dez is about to cry more than a 3-month old baby with an empty stomach and wet shorts.

Before Dez arrives, we get a little more ‘Brooks Thinking’ footage. This guy just thinks constantly. Dez tells the camera how excited she is for her date with Brooks. Her friends at ABC do a good job of not warning her at all that she’s about to have her rib cage split open, followed by her heart being ripped out her chest. ABC is a real pal.

Brooks hugs Dez and cries because he’s going to dump her. Dez knows something is up. He practically drags her over to a pier so that he can dump her on a bench by the water. It’s a good place to dump a girl. That must have been what he was thinking of.

The dumping is not quick. Apparently, ABC’s editor is on vacation. There is mindless rambling from Chris and head-nodding from Dez. He talks for 3 minutes before he even gets to the dump part. Brooks tells Dez that she’s everything he wants and that he’s happy to have met her. I’m guessing he’s never dumped anyone before. That's not a good start.

Brooks admits that he doesn’t love Dez when Dez isn’t there. Dez cries. Brooks cries. There’s crying. No one finishes their sentences. Snot starts coming out of noses. No one can talk because everyone is crying. ABC doesn’t pause their cameras because we are forced to see snot and tears and whispery apologies for dumping people who date 24 additional people.

Dez gets mad at Brooks for dumping her. It’s a natural reaction. She hides her face and cries some more. Now there is snot all over her hands. We’re seriously 14 minutes into this dumping and ABC is not letting us off the hook. It’s so painful. It’s just crying jags. They’re in Antigua, by the way.

Dez tells Brooks that she loves him and that he was the one who was going to win the Game show. He’s all, “Dude! Why didn’t you tell me?” I immediately think of the other two boyfriends and how, after they win the Game Show, they’re going to watch this entire scene with their new fiancĂ© and ask, “Hey, what was that whole ‘I love you Brooks’ thing?”

ABC goes to commercial and comes back with the same camera shot of two vapid people on a bench in Antigua, crying about getting dumped on TV. There’s more “Why did you dump me?” and “Sorry I dumped you”. Brooks sits weird while dumping Dez. He sits so his body is almost horizontal. Dez swears. ABC bleeps it. That was close.

Horizontal Dumping.

I can’t really type everything said but, it sounds like this, “Words, sniff, sniff, love, words, sniff, sniff, sniff, love, words”. We’re now 34 minutes into the worst thing to ever happen. I could have spent this time sanding a cabinet or learning to kick box or eating a bowl of aspirin.

When the dumping is done, Brooks holds Dez while piano guy bangs away at some ‘Dez got Dumped’ music. Brooks cries into the camera and apologizes about breaking Dez’ heart. There’s a lot more snot.

There’s another commercial break but they’re still not done! Brooks walks Dez down the beach so we can hear more sniffling. This is torture. ABC gives us subtitles of their post-dumped relationship talk. Dez breaks down again so we get more snot and crying. Brooks’ shirt is basically ruined. They hug one last time and ABC microphones pick up their heart beats, or producers added synthetic heart beats in post-production. I wouldn’t put that above them.

Because one of the contestants dumped the star of our show, there is no Rose Ceremony. It’s just Dez walking away and crying. She produced enough snot in the one-hour dump scene to insulate a 4-bedroom house. I guess Dez did find a renewable energy source!

Brooks talks to himself about how bad he feels. If he really felt that bad, he could have just hired a fake girlfriend to come onto the show and yell at him about a fake relationship that never happened. That way, no one would get hurt. Brooks gets into his confessional limo to repeat the things he said during the dumping.

Dez tells the camera that she can’t give the other two Game Show contestants the love that they deserve. She tells the camera that it’s over. I wish so badly that she was telling the truth and that I didn’t have to watch a 3-hour finale next week.

The scene closes with Dez on a pier, thinking about being dumped. The last sound we hear is snot being sucked back into a nose by Dez’s lungs. I never thought I’d say this but, I don’t want to hear that sound again.

Next week, I get to recap the 3-hour finale, unless a cable holding a traffic light snaps and the light swings down through my windshield and smashes my skull through the car seat. Here’s hoping!

Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ which isn’t one of Chris’ poems so, what’s the point?