It is with great sadness that I must announce that this is the final recap I will ever do for ‘Bachelor in Paradise’. I’m sorry, I meant “happiness”. That was supposed to say “happiness” because I’m happy. It would be “sadness” if I found out that I had to start this train wreck season over from the beginning, or if the cast members were all coming over to my house for dinner.
We’ve reached the ultimate episode in a sultry and pointless season of filth. Twelve contestants remain and they are totally ‘coupled up’. We know that ashleE will be Miss Crazypants, we know that Marcus and Lacy are in totally gaga in love, and we know that Clare’s dad is watching. We do NOT know if ABC has planned any type of result for the season, or if they’re just going to show two more hours of slurping and then drop a curtain. I’d be fine with that as long as it’s over. I can’t take any more of this crap.
We begin with tidings of love. Chris Harrison tells us how in love every one is, then he tells us that ABC is going to push and pull everyone around to make sure that they don’t stay in love. If ABC loved love so much, I wish they’d leave love alone.
Michelle Money says it best when she says, “I feel like my head is going to explode.”
The couples are all nervous because they know changes are coming to their Saradise/ Claradise/ Slurpadise. Harrison waltzes in and basically yells at everyone. He tells his fun bunch to love each other unconditionally or break up now. He really lays down the hammer and tells them not to F around with love. The couples are instructed to be ready to love each other or break up now. Michelle Money does it again by saying, “This is the real deal!” It totally is, Michelle. This deal is real. There is nothing unreal about this deal. It’s real.
Michelle Money seems to think that she has to get married right now or ABC lawyers will push her off of a cliff or something. That would be a reality show I’d watch, by the way.
The couples discuss how bummed out they are that they might have to leave if their partner isn’t ready for things to be real. They fail to point out that they’d be leaving anyway. People don’t spend a lot of time pointing things out on this show.
AShlee is wearing another headband and I can’t even listen to her talk. It’s double annoying. A headband on aShlee’s head is like putting dog poo on a statue carved out of petrified dog barf. Michelle can’t stand AshLee either and runs off to convince Graham to dump AshlEe. She’s taking this very seriously. She should, because this is the deal that is the real deal. The deal is real.
Michelle Money goes up to Graham and slams ASHLEe. Bam. Michelle doesn’t like ashLEE at all. At all. Graham doesn’t talk while Michelle badmouths his girlfriend. They hug. It’s huggy. Based on a two-minute conversation, Graham agrees to go dump AShLEE. It’s super dramatic. I’m dramatized.
We see ASHLEE ramble on about how in love she is and how great she has it with Graham and how they’re going to love each other for ever as Graham takes her outside to dump her. ABC produces production, yo?
Graham dumps Ashlee. He does it quick. If you’re going to dump an ASHleE, you do it quick. AsHLEE gets mad, but not “stabby” mad. She acts like an actual dumped person. I’m honestly shocked at how normal she acts. It’s a huge let down. How can a show that you expect absolutely nothing from let you down? It happened. This deal is real. It’s the real deal. AshLEe and Graham hug and it’s over.
Wait, it’s not over. asHlee asks to not be dumped. I lean forward, expecting the crazy to come out. It doesn’t. She walks away. Graham’s alone again. AshLEe’s alone again. They’re all alone. We’re all alone. Nothing matters. I hate real deals. It’s more like a raw deal.
Michelle Money runs out to console her Grahammy-pants. There are tears. It’s teary. AsHLeE talks about how embarrassing it is to get dumped in front of a million people and I don’t think that many people are watching. I know there aren’t many people reading this sentence at all. At all.
ASHlEe cries in the limo. I feel bad for her because she took the headband off. If she really wanted my sympathy, she should have worn eye black. I would have sympathized like crazy.
The dramatic ashleE/ Graham break up has everyone thinking. The deal has become even realer. It’s the realer deal. Tazos takes Kristy aside and, because the deal is completely realer, they agree to break up and not go on to whatever is going to happen later which is probably nothing. Zach and Jackie break up because they were never really dating.
Cody isn’t sure that Michelle is really into him. What Cody doesn’t consider is that, in order to break up with him, Michelle would have to no longer be on TV. That is not an option for Michelle Money. She needs TV like I need beer. ABC shows us dramatic footage of Michelle standing on balconies to think about her potential feelings for being on TV longer. Michelle Money thinks and we watch it. We watch her think and talk about thinking for six minutes. There’s a commercial break in between her thoughts. This deal is beyond real.
Coming back from commercial, Clare’s dad crawls up on the beach and birds fly by. The deal is real. Michelle Money goes down to talk to Cody. She’s tells the camera, “I just have to navigate my emotions.” I will now use the phrase “navigate my emotions” in every sentence I speak for the rest of my life.
You’ll be like, “Greg, do you want a sandwich?”
And I’ll be all, “I’m really trying to navigate my emotions to decide if I want a sandwich.”
Michelle Money calls her daughter on the phone to help her navigate her emotions. It sounds like her daughter’s name is Breahl. So, this conversation is the Breahl deal. Michelle asks her daughter if she should date a guy her daughter has never met. Her daughter tells her not to rush into things. Breahl keeps it real. Michelle tells Breahl that she has to rush into things. Breahl is all, “Just date him, then. What do I care? You named me Breahl!”
Michelle Money navigates her emotions toward the fast lane. She decides to rush into things with Cody so she can stay on TV longer. This deal is real, Breahl.
So, our remaining couples are Michelle and Cody, Sarah and Robert and Marcus and Lacy. Chris Harrison yells at them again to make sure that they aren’t lying to him about being in love. Chris Harrison really, really loves love, you guys! He just wants love to happen. He’s like a farmer squatting down in his field at dawn, making sure the love he has planted is growing. These couples are like Chris Harrison’s little love seedlings. They just need some water, sunlight, a hot tub and a helicopter.
The love challenges are announced. Chris Harrison tells them they get to go on one more date and then they’ll have their love put to the test. REAL! Deals are real. Everyone grips and complains to the camera about how real the deal is. If you read down this far, send me an email and I’ll buy you a Paula’s Donut or something.
When we come back from commercial, we see Cody putting on lip balm. Keep up!
The couples go off on their serious dates. Remember, these are the final dates before the deals get ever realer. We’ll soon have realest deals. There’s a bunch of talking about progress, nervousness, relationships and sparks. Lacy looks like someone applied her makeup with a spackle. How could an attractive woman apply products designed to enhance attraction and considerably destroy her attractiveness? She should keep it Breahl.
Robert and Sarah get into a hot tub and make out. They do a good job of not talking about making out before they make out. That makes it much more comfortable for the viewer. They have cute slurpy times.
Marcus and Lacy sit on a couch and Lacy tells Marcus that she loves him. They’re so in love, you guys!!!!!! Talk about real deals! They’re so totally in love I have to stand up and shake out my limbs to let their love flow through my entire body. I can now feel their love in my toes. If I were to give blood and the blood technician asked me what kind of blood I had, I would say, “It’s Lacy/Marcus love-blood and it flows through my body like a song” and then me and the blood technician would high-five because she would feel their love too. Did you know that you could see Marcus’ and Lacy’s love from space? Did you know that the Eskimos have 40 different words for Marcus’ and Lacy’s love? Did you know that, if you buried Marcus’ and Lacy’s love in the desert, a flower would grow? You guys are jerks.
Michelle Money and Cody talk about their progressing love. They’re offered a fantasy suite card. Cody tells Michelle Money that he wants to get married. Michelle wants to spend the night with Cody but tells America that they won’t be having sex. What the hell is the point of a Fantasy Suite if you’re not having sex? That’s not the point at all. At all.
Michelle is confused about where she’s going. She says, “I feel like it could go either way. I feel like guys with that big of a body have BLEEP. But maybe I could be wrong, like his BLEEP is muscular like the rest of his body.” See, ABC bleeped a word to make it seem like Michelle Money was talking about Cody’s penis. I’m pretty sure she was saying the word “heart” and they bleeped it to make it sound dirty. Grow up, ABC. Breahl is watching.
So, after one night, Michelle Money is now positive she’s in love with Cody. They run down the next morning to tell everyone they’re now dating. Everyone’s excited. It’s exciting. You guys were excited, too. Admit it. Cody says, “She might have broke the Code!” I’m now going to use the phrase “broke the code” in all of the sentences I don’t use “navigate my emotions”.
Sarahdise and Robert did not have a good night. Robert wore jeans to bed. JEANS! Robert didn’t want to get physical with Sarahdise and she’s super sad about it. They’re behind the other couples. They sit on a couch and discuss their lack of level with the rest of the group. These people are super open about their relationships, I’ll give them that. These deals are real. They broke the Code.
Sarah complains about Robert. She tells the camera how she tried to undo Robert’s pants while he slept. I’m uncomfortable. She explains how he didn’t try to touch her beneath the neck and how she isn’t even sure if he has a penis. Holy cow, this woman keeps talking. Robert wants the friendzone and Sarah wants the endzone. She wants Robert to break the Code. He didn’t want to be a Code breaker. There’s a bunch more talking. No one is reading this sentence. Keep up, if you were actually here.
Sarah wants someone to grope her all night and not sleep with their jeans on. Seriously, who wears their jeans to bed? I’d be more comfortable sleeping in a suit of armor. Robert is bummed out because he thought he was putting out love. He was really putting out flames. Flames of passion. Flames of Sarah’s passion. He put them out. He put out the flames of passion with his jeans. Robert wore jeans and Sarah lost love.
Sarah is now alone. Robert is alone. Sarah dumped Robert and now Sarah doesn’t have Robert or his jeans. HE WAS STILL WEARING HIS JEANS AS HE WALKED OFF THE BEACH! THEY’RE IN MEXICO! JEANS!
Sarah is heartbroken because she wanted her lower body kissed. She gets sympathy from the other two girls. They don’t kiss her lower body either. She keeps crying and talking. It keeps happening. It never stops happening. I can’t stop it from continuing to happen. I can’t do it at all. At all.
Just when you think the talking is over, we watch Robert pack and talk. He talks. Robert cries to the camera because he wanted love, he just moves too slow. He’s the kind of guy who likes to kiss above the neck and wear jeans to bed and on Mexican beaches. My crotch would start on fire if I wore a pair of jeans in Mexico.
As she’s crying in the limo, Sarah starts to realize that she shouldn’t have dumped Robert because he wore jeans to bed. She didn’t realize how real the deal was. The deal was real. Robert really liked her, even if he did wear jeans. Sarah is having regrets. We see them. The regrets stream down her face and go below her neck, a place Robert wouldn’t date venture.
Two couples remain. Chris Harrison stands before Michelle Money/Cody and Marcus/Lacy. He applauds their relationshipedness. Chris Harrison tells them that they now have to move their relationships to the real world. It’s exciting!
Harrison brings out former Bachelor winners in love to talk to them how to achieve maximum lovedness. We see terrible people like Jason Mesnick and the second woman he chose during his season. Desiree is here with her guy. She’s Dez, now. I can’t remember his name. Jason Mesnick and whatshernuts talk to Marcus to make sure he’s ready to love Lacy at home. He is. We see it in his eyes and chest.
We are reminded of Sean and Catherine and their grown sexiness. They talk to Cody and Michelle Money about loving and stuff. It happens. This all just keeps happening.
The ABC All Stars ask tough questions to the couples like whether or not they like Oreos and what their favorite body parts are. There is a bunch of love, with interviews spliced in. We even get to see Cody bench press Michelle Money again! Everyone is in love. I think we can all say that ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ is the greatest thing that has ever happened to Earth.
I was pretty sure the show was over, but ABC isn’t finished with me yet. Chris Harrison comes back out to further ruin my life with more real-dealedness. There’s a final rose ceremony. Cody gives a big long speech about meeting Michelle Money’s daughter and love and big arms. He gives her a rose and she accepts it. It’s accepty. Michelle also gives a speech and I look around for something to drop onto my head. We are forced to watch more talking and rose acceptance. I hate this show. I don’t like it at all. At all.
Cody and Michelle Money make out and slurp and Michelle Money gushes to the camera in all of her emptiness. She tells the camera how happy she is because Cody was meant for her all along. This, of course, was a guy she decided to randomly hook up with a week ago at a camp fire because she was the only woman without a dude that night.
Marcus and Lacy are about to begin their rose ceremony but Marcus puts it on hold to have a private conversation with Lacy. It’s super dramatic because he’s going to dump her! That’s what the dramatic music is telling us! This show is so void of content, ABC is forced to pretend like something is going to actually happen to try to salvage something.
Marcus and Lacy have their super private conversation in front of a million people. It’s just a love speech that was pulled aside so fake drama could be created. I could almost hear Bachelor producers telling him to pull Lacy aside so they could play scary music and act like he was dumping her. I hate this show so much. When I navigate my emotions through ‘Bachelor in Paradise’, I always arrive at hate.
Marcus proposes to Lacy. It’s totally dramatic. The music is happy. She says yes. They’re totally in love. I take it all back! This show is real. It’s the real deal. Where did he get the ring when they’re on a sex island? Nevermind! I don’t care! Marcus and Lacy are in love and they’re getting married. Keep up!
All of the other whores cheer about the super cool engagement. My wife and I high-five. Love is totally conquering everything. If you punched a hole into my stomach and grabbed a fist-full of my lower intestines, my blood would splatter out and your shirt would be stained with Marcus and Lacy’s love.
After that, they still do the stupid rose ceremony. Marcus and Lacy give their stupid speeches and we listen to them as terrible people look on and smile. At least Lacy is wearing a lot less make-up for this final part.
ABC recaps the season and gives us footnotes on how everyone is either still in love or broken up. There are also bloopers. This is my favorite part of the year because I don’t have to recap a ‘Bachelor’ show for a couple of months. Please stop reading these so I can stop forever. I’m begging you. This request is the real deal. You guys can break the Code.
Greg Bauch will be performing at Helium Comedy Club in the ‘Dirty Dozen’ show Wednesday 9/10 at 8 p.m. Click on a link on the side of this page for info.