Friday, March 19, 2010

Restaurant Review: The Eat Box

Note: This review appears in the April edition of the 'Bi-Annual Food Reviewer'

Food- **
Decor- ***
Service- ****

When hunger calls, 'The Eat Box' answers, albeit on the 12th ring.

My wife and I were struck when first entering the Eat Box. A dish washer emerged from the kitchen and proceeded to dry off his hands on her chest. We would quickly learn that the address in the phone book was listed incorrectly and we had actually entered a man's apartment. We are in the process of finding out whether the wrong address is the fault of the phone book or the restaurant, so there could be one less star under 'Service' for this review.

The actual Eat Box restaurant was quite nice. Accessible only by ladder, patrons can really build up a hunger using their arms to climb 7 stories onto the crow's nest of a refurbished 18th century barn.

You are immediately welcomed by the owner's children who drape handmade paper necklaces around your neck. These necklaces, are loaned, but can be purchased for 11 dollars, so be careful not to rip them. The entry way is dimly lit, but the children are happy to point their cell phones at your feet to guide you on your way.

The seating area consists of 27 overturned giant cable spools with no chairs. The tops of these spools are lit on fire and the room smells of fear. Women are not allowed in the Eat Box, so tell them your wife is a gay guy.

Because the table is on fire, the food is served raw on skewers. There are 3 main specialty entries; Drumstick and Potato, Drumstick and Red Potato, and Drumstick and Rice. The rice is served on 47 individual miniature skewers. Vegetarians will be happy to know that there is a Vegetarian restaurant just 4 blocks east of the Eat Box.

When your food is cooked and you are ready to eat, the owner's children will come to your table to haggle the cost of dinner. If you accept their initial offer, you will offend them and be asked to leave. Low-balling the children is considered rude however, insulting them is not. If you are successful in making one of them cry, the meal is free. (Helpful hint, the girl is very sensitive about the misspelled tattoo on her throat.)

Dessert is a delicious Oreo cake.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

I Will Not Watch That Wedding

I'm not much of a man. I'm pretty sure I have the appropriate chromosones and organs, but I lack the ability to kill deer and control my own television watching schedule.

I did, however, manage to push all of my chips to the center of the table last night and say, "I am not watching Jason Meznick's (a.k.a. the Bachelor) wedding!" My wife, realzing how serious I was when she saw the tears in my eyes, agreed to tape it and watch it another time.
It was a bluff. I would have watched it.

As a matter of fact, I did click Jason Meznick's wedding on for 38 seconds. I saw a ton of rain and a bunch of women screaming over shoes. I am so glad that I did not watch it.

Fortunately for you, the reader, my friend Cheryl never misses it when a complete d-bag ties the knot of T.V. and she might just hate the show more than I do.
So, here is Cheryl's recap of the Jason and Molly wedding:

On the wings of: Greg didn't want to watch the Bachelor wedding, so a bitter single girl wrote his blog.....HA


Yesterday at 10:52pm

I gotta admit, being 36 and single, I watch The Bachelor because I enjoy seeing people getting dumped on TV and then laughing at them when they cry. It really ads a special kind of joy to my life because I am not them. ABC has now decided to use two hours of time to show the wedding of contestants Jason and Molly. I was totally hoping for the bride to fall or lots of rain. Sorry, but someone had to say it.

Chris Harrison started the show by saying this was going to be “the event of a lifetime”. Oh, OK. He totally forgot to say it was gonna be dramatic, maybe the most dramatic wedding ever. They had the wedding in Seattle---outdoors---in the rain capital of the world. The drama was brewing. Awesome.

Of course, first they had to show the drama of the wedding preparations, which included Jason and Molly sitting apart from each other in a park, each staring into a land far far away while contemplating those mean tabloids. This of course made them cry on cue and wipe away the tears. Naturally, this is what most couples do before their wedding. “Hey honey, forget the shower and the bachelor party. We don’t need that crap. Let’s individually stare at the sky or something.”

While discovering what it was like to actually LIVE together, they discovered fascinating information! Jason declared, “I forgot how much STUFF people have!” Molly added, “I brought my own vase instead of using a pitcher for the flowers!” They are sooooo intriguing. Then they made brownies. That part was OK.

Yeah, I knew they were gonna bring back the former couples to let everyone know how successful the bachelor series REALLY is, even though this is the 2nd wedding in like 100 tries. Jake and his dude girlfriend Vienna talked about Jake kissing lots of girls, their perfect love and how they are big fans of Jason and Molly. Jake said “hopefully” they can follow in the footsteps of the other couple. Yeah, they are totally not getting hitched. Four other couples no one cares about talked about how they enjoy each other…..Yada, yada, yada. Personally, I just think they were tryin to steal some wedding thunder.

One of the more compelling parts of the two hour special was the families. Everyone got along during the wedding planning. No one fought about who was getting invited, gift registries or seating charts. Buncha phonies.

They actually did decide to have a bachelor and bachelorette party combo in Vegas. That is where they showed the world they are boring. Molly whined a bit about not wanting a stripper to show her how to move for her man. He is so lucky. Then Jason cried. I think I fell asleep for a while. They were still in Vegas. The producers tried to shake things up a bit by telling Jason to stare into a fountain outside the hotel and think about life. Molly found him and declared that was most romantic place in the whole world. I declared single life suddenly not so bad.

They returned to the wedding site and talked about shoes and hair. Then Jason cried. Then it rained and stopped and rained again. I was happy at this point during a commercial break, to see George Clooney and a singing cartoon trying to sell paper towels.

Then it at least got amusing when Chris Harrison kept bringing in a receiving line of rejected men and women from past seasons. Apparently the show needed seat fillers. Then some umbrellas turned inside out. Oh, I forgot to mention the wedding planner talked about not having a “plan B” locale for the first time ever in case of rain---in friggin rain capital of the world Seattle. Hmmmm.

Oh, he did not. Yes, he did. Host Man Chris actually referred to this as one of the most anticipated weddings of ALL TIME. He was somewhat correct. We wanted to anticipate the wedding to be over. But not before Jason cried----again, which he did.

The poems were read, the I dos were said, and then the vows were at the perfect timing for the producers - as it down poured all over the bride, as the groom tried to cover her hair with his little man hands. Um, no one had an umbrella to cover the bride and her $40,000 dress---in friggin rainy Seattle?

Yeah, they’re married. Woo friggin hoo. I cant wait for the next round of characters that get assembled for the Bachelorette in May. We all need more people to laugh at.

With all that said, I guess I do want to get married one day. I mean, tick-tock already. I just won’t get married in Seattle---to a guy who cries all the time---in a ceremony produced by a show called “The Bachelor”. That’s gotta be a bad omen.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Choosing a Dude

The worst season of the worst television show is over. Dallas pilot Jake Pavelka fulfilled his ABC contract by falling in love with two women and then asking the one his family hated to marry him. The worst kept secret in reality TV history is out. Jake chose Vienna, the dude.

The season finale of the Bachelor was 3 hours long, and yet there really isn't much to recap. Most of that time is spent hearing the same crap we've heard all season. It's just long, drawn out footage of 3 people, pensively sitting in front of a mountain while we hear a voice-over of them rambling on about how much they love a soulless idiot they met 2 weeks ago.

About 30 minutes of that time was spent watching Tenley, the runner up, talk non-stop as Jake's family fell in love with her. It was like watching the President. She had prepared speeches. Also, even though it breaks her heart to talk about it, Tenley managed to mention 400 times that she was once married.

The next 30 minutes were very dramatic. Jake introduced
Vienna to his family and they hated her. They hated her personality, they hated her choice of words and they hated her dude face, I'm assuming. Towards the end of the encounter, the producers managed to convince Jake's family to tell the cameras that Vienna isn't that bad, she's just "being real".

The Bachelor is made much more enjoyable when the ending of the show is revealed and rumors of
Vienna dumping Jake for her ex-boyfriend swirl across Tabloid magazines. Then you have my wife yelling "Liar!" at the TV for 3 hours. Every time Vienna mentioned how she couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with Jake you'd hear, "Is the rest of your life 12 minutes? You didn't even make it to the finale!"

ABC did a great job of getting some Jake 'ab' shots in before it was all said and done. Jake and
Vienna playfully spread Sulfur mud all over each other and made out under a waterfall. I kept waiting for the Predator to show up. These intimate moments in paradise are so uncomfortable to watch. All I can picture is the guy with the boom mic leaning over them to pick up the audio. I would love it if, just once, 'boom mic' guy fell from his ladder into the shot. Would they keep pretending to be in love with each other, or would they pause for a second to check his pulse?

Both girls were flown in on helicopters, one at a time, for the rose ceremony/ fake proposal. Tenley was dumped first. I imagine, to keep her hair intact, she had to sit in the helicopter for, at least, 10 minutes so the propeller could stop spinning. Jake started crying while dumping her. It was pretty dramatic. Tenley thanked Jake several times for dumping her.

Vienna, the dude, was flown in after that. She's unattractive and, like all contestants on this show, a horrible human being. Those must be the attributes Jake is looking for because he asked her to marry him. He first acted like he wasn't choosing her as a prank, but then let Vienna off the hook. Those pilots are hilarious. I screamed laughter for six hours. It was hard to sleep. My throat is sore.

ABC is in charge of punishing me for my sins, so they have a one-hour 'After the final rose' special that begins immediately after the finale. They brought out Tenley so she could mention, one more time, how she had been married before. They brought out Jake because Tenley had not yet cried enough. They brought out
Vienna so we could see her Adam's apple.
Vienna addressed the tabloid rumors that she has a secret boyfriend. Vienna said, "I have a secret boyfriend. He's so secret, I don't even know who he is." The audience fell completely silent to her attempt at humor. She should leave the jokes to Jake. He's hilarious.

My wife was declared Jake the worst Bachelor of the series.

ABC also announced that Ali would be the next Bachelorette. Ali is attractive and whiney. She is an awful human being who will make life miserable for one lucky man in the spring. Recapping this show is like describing, in detail, how Veterinarians euthanize dogs. I hope to have you all back for the next season.

Good news
America, if you're not yet completely sick of Jake and his abs, you can watch him on Dancing with the Stars. He joins Chad Ochocinco, Pamela Anderson and astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Read back that last sentence. I'm so glad that I do not watch that show.

There's an American Idol Fantasy draft happening Tuesday night. Fans of reality TV can check in here for recaps of the awfulness.