Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Another 'Yahoo Answers' Blog

It's been too long. Here's another 'Yahoo Answers' blog.
I take real questions off of Yahoo Answers and offer advice.
Feel free to add your own.

from Midnight Cinderella:
Q. - I just got a female bunny today and i need a cute name (PLEASE BE CREATIVE)?
she looks like the velveteen rabbit she loves to cuddle and be held like a baby and have her tummy rubbed

A. - Dear Midnight Cinderella, How about "Captain Cuddle Time"?

from whoa_its:
Q. - Who wants an outift!? ill make and out fit for who ever providfes the best and most interesting information i dont care uf you first or last you have til 5 15 eastern timedont forget you email address =]

A. - Dear whoa_its, I would like an outfit.
I'm a scorpio.

from danielle
Q. I dont know whats going on with thia boy.(a guys point of view would be niiice)?
is he just a jerk? i first meet him through my bestfriend.and we talked non-stop always texting he called me all the time always wanted me to sleep over and we even talked about dating but wanted to get to know each better and hang out more.so then one day out of no where he asked if we could just be friends i asked him what had changed his mind he said it was him and that he was just still really hurt from his ex girlfriend.then the next day he asked if it was ok if he could date my bestfriend.(she knew i liked him) but apparently she liked him before me.(i wish she would have told me before hand) but those two only talk in school(we go to different schools.) or on aim but we still text all the time and he calls me everyday always tells me goodnight and i cant help but still like him.i guess were just good friends but if i could have your opinions that would be great=].

A. Dear Danielle, It's hard to answer without more information. maybe you could tell me a little more about the situation. thanks

from Joy S.
Q. - Wut do u do wen u really like someone but you're friend still likes the person even though they broke up wit he/she and the person you like likes you back but he cant like you cause his/her best friend likes you

A. Dear Joy S., I would use a spell checker. See if that works.

from la di da di da
Q. - What should you be doing right now?

A. Dear la di da di da, Posting Yahoo Answers.

from Andria
Q. - How do u get tested for ADHD?

A. Dear Andria, Wanna go ride bikes?

from Kayla
Q.- there is a rumor that i like this kid!! but i dont!! This kid likes me though, cuz he always says nice things and always wants to be my partener in science class. plz help! im sick of that rumor!!!

A. Dear Kayla, you're the one who started the rumor. Whore.

from Winnie
Q. - Cheese doodlessss??????????
do you like the puff ones or the crunchy ones? i say puff all the way!

A. Dear Winnie, I'm with you. Puff all the way!

from English
Q. - Is this the HOTTEST guy ever? Careful hot photo!?
Well is it?

A.- Dear English, Yes, that IS the hottest guy ever.

from Kyle
Q. - How many 16 year old kid died in a car crash in 07?

A. - Dear Kyle, I haven't finished counting yet.

Hope these answers helped.

Extreme Walking

This is an article I wrote when I was 8 years old. I figured I'd post it here.


I was making a list of all the cool things about Extreme Walking and I came to the conclusion that Walking is awesome. A couple of my friends don't like going for Extreme walks. That's fine. They're still my friends, but they have giant holes in their throat where I have stabbed them with a rolled up copy of 'Extreme Walker's Monthly'.

When deciding whether or not to go for more Extreme walks, ask yourself this question, "Do I breathe?" If the answer is "yes", get the F off this page go for a walk. It's extreme.

The best thing about Extreme walking is how crazy it is. You totally go at your own pace. You can stroll by at 3 miles an hour and just watch losers gawk at how casual you can be or you can crank shit up and walk every fucker you see into the ground with extreme prejudice.

People are always asking me, "Greg, what's the difference between Extreme walking and normal walking?" I answer them by ripping out their souls with a little Extreme walk step I like to call 'The Soul Ripper'. And then they go to the Cops to complain but what the fuck are the cops gonna do? "I just stole your soul, fucker!"

Let's get one thing straight…Extreme walking is not for everyone. Some people are lucky enough to have the chops. Some people are useless wastes of working organs that should go find a tree to sit under and wait to die. I was born to Extreme walk. I walked out of my mother….and I haven't looked back since.

Do you know that walking is the number one cause of death in America? More people are killed on walks than by Tiger, Shark and Bear attacks combined. That's because they're all useless crybaby animals who can't even walk on their hind legs. Have you ever seen a Bear try to walk? It's pathetic. That's why whenever I see a bear I punch it in the face.

So go for an Extreme walk if you dare. Or do something slightly less dangerous like licking land mines. Fuck the government for not funding more bike paths.

Evolution is a moron

I was watching Sunrise Earth this morning while eating my Nut and Honey.(thank god for honey...otherwise that sentence would be weird)

They were showing a bunch of butterflies (which contain zero butter, by the way) and one of the butterflies was called an owl butterfly. It had these really cool wings with about 6 or 7 yellow and black circles on them. The circles looked just like owl eyes. These would be a great defense against small animal predators because the small animals would see the wings and think it was looking at a mean old owl.

That would be a great concept if owls had 6 or 7 eyes.

Nice try evolution. Owls have 2 eyes...not 6 or 7. How many butterflies have to die before you learn how many eyes owls have? This little problem should only take you a couple trillion years to fix.

Evolution is such a lazy dumbass. Never mind the ticking time-bomb called an appendix I have hanging around my insides, how about some Webbed feet?

My separate toes do nothing for me? Why do I have to swim so slow with these stupid separated toes? I thought evolution was supposed to fix this shit.

Why do we have to put shoes on horses, evolution? Why do dogs need sweaters? Aren't you giving them enough fur? How come my brother needed braces? I keep watching antelope getting caught from behind by cheetahs. You gave the cheetahs super-booster thighs....what do you have against the antelopes? You antelope racist.

I can't wait until all of the antelopes are gone and some nut-job preservationist is blaming Man.

It's your fault evolution. Step it up.

And when are trees going to learn to run away from fire and lumberjacks? No problem evolution. I'll learn to hold my breath for an eternity. Who needs oxygen. Fucking retard.

How about some telepathy evolution? Do you know how much phones cost?Ever been to Canada, evolution? It's like 17 bucks to make a phone call. Every time I get shot, bullets rip through my skin. Nice skin evolution. Bullets were invented, like, 300 years ago...and my skin is still not bulletproof.

And where are the flying cars evolution? Where the fuck are the flying cars?

You're a piece of shit process.

An Open Letter to the guy who was driving too slow and then sped up after I tried to pass him

Hey there, 'guy who was driving too slow and then sped up after I tried to pass him'. How's it going?

I couldn't help but notice how you sped up after I changed lanes and tried to pass you. I hope you didn't take my trying to pass you personally. I just felt like driving a little faster.

The thing is GWWDTSATSUAITTPH, you weren't even really driving that slow. You were trolling along at, about, 38 MPH in a 45 MPH zone. You were probably looking for an address or a place to stop and eat. You could have been trying to sneeze. It's not important. The important thing is to know that we weren't actually racing. We were just two guys driving our cars. One was focused on a destination, one was just cruising along.

It probably scared the shit out of you how I just jumped into that other lane like that. The only warning I gave was a turn signal. Who can blame you for reving your engine and accelerating forward like that? I feel responsible. Maybe you were being playful. Maybe, that was your way of having some fun. Maybe I was suppossed to speed up too.

I feel so stupid. I feel like I missed out on a chance for a little adventure on my way to work. Fuck!, 'guy who was driving too slow and then sped up after I tried to pass him', why didn't you give me a thumbs up or something? Why didn't you let me know what was going on? We could have had ourselves a moment.

Also, GWWDTSATSUAITTPH, your bumper sticker was hilarious. It took me awhile to figure it out, but let's just say we're both clear that you're pretty fond of the opposite sex. Good luck with that.

I hope this letter helps 'guy who was driving too slow and then sped up as I tried to pass him'. I hope we understand each other a little better. Next time, I'll just stay behind you and take my time getting to work. I'm truly sorry.

Have a bitchin' summer Guy.

Greg Bauch

Human Communication

I took a course in College called 'Human Communication'.

The general discussion was, "Proper English and Grammar are bullshit. If people understand what you're saying...then you're communicating."I loved this course because I knew how bad it would piss off all of my former Nun/ English teachers. It was my first real taste of coloring outside the lines.

The professor would tell poop jokes..and then tell us how poop jokes aren't funny in Africa...but dirty sex jokes are hilarious there. He wrote the word "ain't" on a test. I got a 'B'. It was the first and last 'B' I would get in College.

That's the nice thing about College. No one ever asks what your grades are, they only ask you to take your hand of their leg. (whores)

Whenever I type an email or something, I always think of this class because of the Caps lock button.
The Caps lock button IS MY FAVORITE BUTTON EVER!
That's because the meaning of what you are typing can be dramatically changed just by accidentally locking down the caps.

I love alcohol...which is fine, but I LOVE ALCOHOL. Do you have any doubt over my love for alcohol now?

Quick email to your buddy:
-Wanna go for a drink after work?
Short. To the point. Good email.

Now, that same email with an accidental Cap-Lock on:
All of the sudden he's picturing you sweaty, desperate and shaking.

Just to further my point, I dug through some of my old emails and cut an pasted one that I sent to my wife when we were first dating.

"...Dear Tracy, I want to try anal. Love, Greg."

Now, watch how much the meaning changes when I re-type that email with the Caps-Lock on.


She would have left me had that happened.
It's important to keep the Caps-lock off when typing.

Open Letter To Nutty Bars

Hello Nutty Bars, I couldn’t help but notice how you showed up in the vending machine at work today. It’s really nice to see you again. It has been a long time.

Now, if I remember correctly Nutty Bars, you’re absolutely delicious. A lot of snacks have chocolate and peanut butter, but I feel like your Ace in the hole is the wafers. The wafers are awesome. It’s like, "Hey other snacks! Go fuck yourself! I’m made of light, wafery goodness."

I also love this, Nutty Bars. I’m all done eating your chocolate and peanut butter wafers of heaven and I’m like, "That ruled! I couldn’t possibly ask for more out of life....HOLY SHIT I STILL HAVE ANOTHER NUTTY BAR LEFT!!!!!"
It’s twice as much fun eating a Nutty Bars. You’re like a sequel that doesn’t suck. You’re like ’Short Circuit 2’.

Here’s the problem. My wife would be mad at me if I ate you, Nutty Bars. You contain about 24 grams of fat per bar. My cholesetrol is really high right now so this bitch has me running in the morning and eating things that end in "rocoli". She’s a prick, Nutty Bars. You would hate her.

I hadn’t even considered eating you again until you showed up in that vending machine this morning. It’s like the guy who stocks the machine is a pimp, and you’re just a dime out for a trick. Well, I love tricks, Nutty Bars. I know this great trick where I rip your wrapper off and try to eat you before your chocolate melts on my fingers.

You’re a fucking whore, Nutty Bars! You’re a delicious, wafery, double ended, 75 cent whore and I love you. I want to press 12 of you into a jar and jam my fist into it until you’re just this massive wad of paradise. I’m gonna cheat on my wife with you nutty bars. I almost want her to find out. I want her to walk into the room and find me with my head jammed into a jar full of 12 mushed up Nutty Bars. I want her to see what you do to me. I want her to know what I really need.

You’re the best Nutty Bars. Now, I just need change for a 5.