Monday, June 23, 2014

Bachelorette Recap - Pigeons and Lies in Venice

8 contestants remain in our roulette wheel of love. Andi Dorfman is watching her silver ball bounce around while hoping for the best. So far, there’s been some drama, some death and a whole lotta smoochee-poo. This show is like a drive-in movie parking lot.

Andi has taken her boyfriends to Venice. Andi says that Venice is the perfect place to fall in love because that’s the only thing anyone ever says. The preview promises more drama. There’s just so much drama. The only thing worse than drama is Venetian drama.

There’s water everywhere in Venice. Someone needs to fix a sump pump. Venice looks like it would smell like rot. Andi sits in a gondola so cameras can capture her thinking about love. We see it. The guys ride in on a boat. One of them yells out Andi’s name. Chris the farmer is wearing pink shorts again. This guy likes his pink trousers.

Andi runs up to her boyfriends to announce that Nick V. gets the first one-on-one date. Cody is super bummed because he hasn’t had a one-on-one date yet. Andi’s other boyfriends feel bad for Cody because he hasn’t had a chance to take their girlfriend out alone. You know the old saying; Bros before District Attorneys.

For 20 minutes Andi tells the camera how she isn’t sure about Nick’s intentions. She’s concerned that he’s here for the wrong reasons. I’m concerned too, you guys. Andi and Nick V. hug on a bridge. Then, they look at buildings and buy pizza. Keep up!


Just when you’re about to swallow your tongue from all of the excitement, they feed pigeons AND A PIGEON LANDS ON NICK V’S. HEAD! I need a prescription for Lipitor to watch this show.

I look away for a brief second and they’re in a gondola. The guys rowing the gondolas are wearing the same thing the mimes wore last week. Maybe, it’s a mime work release or intern program. The mimes must silently row boats to master the art of fake boat rowing.

Andi and Nick V. make out in their gondola. The gondola ride is ever lasting. If you are ever on death row and they give you a last request, you should ask to watch Andi and Nick V’s gondola ride. You’ll never die because it lasts forever.

Venice doesn’t allow ABC to put a camera guy in the gondola with the happy couple so we get various shots of their gondola ride from bridges, sidewalks and adjacent gondolas. I feel like ‘Adjacent Gondolas’ would be a great band name.

Just before the sun burns out, they get out of the gondola. Nick V. is wearing a tuxedo so they can eat on TV. Andi’s dress looks like it would be flame retardant. ABC gives them a private dinner in a Venetian masquerade hall. There are curtains on the window, not Venetian blinds. I question this show’s authenticity.

Andi and Nick V. talk about how he was a jerk last week. He was, you guys. Nick V. was a sour puss. You guys probably forgot all about it, but I didn’t. I set aside a little time each day to think about how Nick V. was Mr. Salty Pants. I barely ate.

Andi and Nick V. work through his psychopath issues. He explains that he’s just falling in love so the other guys think he’s a jerk. Andi cries. I don’t cry. I blink a bunch and no tears come out, so it doesn’t count. Andi really likes Nick V. They make out some more and he gets a date rose. Neither of the two bothers to eat their food. Between the candle burning and food wasting, this show will single-handedly destroy this earth’s resources.

Some dude outside plays an accordion for Andi and Nick V. They put on masquerade masks so they can dance. Nick V. comments that he might be putting a mask on, but he took off his metaphoric mask while they weren’t eating. Such word play. Andi says, “It’s very hard not to fall in love in Venice.” That’s why I never go to Venice with my dad.

After the mask/ pigeon date, Andi reads her third secret admirer note. It has not yet been revealed who the secret admirer yet. It’s a huge mystery. I’ve set aside some time each day to try and figure out who it could be. I’m stumped, you guys.

The group date is next. Andi takes 6 of her boyfriends to a castle so she can put them through a lie detector test. It’s super intense. There are two intimidating Italian guys who hook Andi’s boyfriends up to a machine so she can make sure they’re here for the right reasons.

To be a good sport, Andi takes the test first. They ask her if she likes Italy and if she likes her boyfriends. I was super nervous for her.

The guys are asked if they’re ready for marriage and whether or not they came on a televised game show for the wrong reason. Dylan admitted he has had sex with more than 20 women but doesn’t wash his hands after using the bathroom.

After being grilled by Italians, Dylan leaves the group date. He says his stomach hurts. It doesn’t look like his stomach hurts. It looks like he lied a lot and wants to leave. Andi doesn’t act like it’s weird at all that one of her boyfriends took a lie detector test and then ran away to a hotel. I haven’t been a part of the dating scene in a long time. I guess that’s normal behavior.


Chris the farmer admits that he’s the one writing the secret admirer letters. He’s bummed because it will be revealed in front of everyone that he wears bright pink shorts and writes secret admirer notes.

The results come in. Andi lied about loving Italy and thinking her game show boyfriends really want to marry her. Andi takes her envelope of guy results and rips them up. It is a sign that she trusts her boyfriends. She says, “I trust y’all.” Dylan ran away for the wrong reasons.

Back at the hotel, Cody and Nick V. sit in a sauna together. Cody talks about how he doesn’t like Nick V. Then, why did he get into a sauna with him? Was that contractual? Did ABC make them sauna together? Can you make ‘sauna’ a verb? I’d hate to be the camera guy who had to stand in the 96 degree sauna with a 100lb camera and film two shirtless guys staring at each other.

We’re back on the group date. Andi and Coach Brian give each other hand lie detector tests. Coach asks her if she wants to make out and she does so they do. They make out. With Coach’s teeth fresh on her taste buds, Andi makes out with Marcus. Lot’s of slurping there. They like each other, I think. I don’t know. Everyone lies on this show so it’s hard to tell.

Josh M. is super worked up over the lie detector test so Andi thinks that he’s up to something. I’m pretty sure that the professional baseball player with abs is up to something. Andi is questioning her feelings. I’m questioning her feelings too, you guys. Andi is upset and the music shows it. The music is all, “Andi is confused, y’all!” Andi cries to the camera because her televised dating show doesn’t seem sincere.

Chris the farmer pulls Andi aside to smooth everything over. He admits that he’s the secret admirer. Andi is all giggles over this revelation. She really digs the farmer! Get it? Digs? You guys are jerks. Andi and Chris the farmer make out. He feels relieved that he got that huge burden off of his farmer chest. Andi gives Chris the farmer the group date rose. If he was really a farmer, he’d plant the rose to grow a rose bush. Then, everyone would get a rose. It’s like the old saying, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for day, teach a man to fish and he’ll give you a group date rose.”

After Chris the farmer gets his group date rose, JJ talks about how he doesn’t want to congratulate other guys for getting further with his girlfriend. The boyfriends attack JJ for his honesty. I yell out, “Stop disliking your girlfriend’s other boyfriends!” Chris the farmer swears at JJ and points in his face to earn 10 points.


Cody’s one-on-one date is next. They go to the birth place of Romeo and Juliet, which is amazing because Romeo and Juliet are fictional characters… unless they brought them to life somehow like Jurassic Park? Did that happen? Are Romeo and Juliet alive? Did Romeo and Juliet go on a rampage and kill Samuel Jackson and Newman? Answer me!

Cody and Andi walk into a building. It’s the place in Italy that collects letters to Juliet sent from around the world. People read and respond to the letters Juliet receives. I guess some people just write letters to Juliet, address them to Venice, stick a stamp on them and mail them. I’m sure these people will appreciate Cody the meat head reading their letters on TV and then writing them back.

Cody writes a really touching letter and makes Andi happy. Cody is happy too. He cries. I didn’t cry.

So this Italy building is full of people who read and respond to desperate letters from people who put their trust into a fictional character. How does this place stay in business? Is there money in responding to letters? How many jobs are created by this industry? Can I make money on the side writing back to all of the people in the world who have written letters to Santa or Ricky Henderson? (Sports quote filled)

After reading letters, Andi and Cody go to a big lawn to eat on TV. Cody is not afraid of wearing shirts that show off his chest. This guy owns zero ties. Andi wears pants that make it look like she’s not wearing pants. Cody reads Andi a private letter. It’s not too private because millions of people are watching it happen while choking back tears.

Cody says, “I want Andi to meet the real Cody.” I guess the real Cody refers to himself in the third person. He wants Andi to meet his family. I hope his entire family has huge shoulders and puffy blonde hair.

Cody is pouring his heart out to Andi. He’s going 60 miles per hour about his feelings for her. He’s super happy and glowing while Andi is Mrs. Salty Pants. She stops Cody mid-sentence and dumps him. Cody got caught in the friend zone. Hey, if you’re dating a girl who is dating a dozen guys, someone’s getting caught in the friend zone.

Cody takes the dumping well. He lets Andi off the hook and thanks her for dumping him on TV. Back at the hotel, the other guys see the Bachelor interns carry away Cody’s luggage and they’re all like, “Woah!” Josh M. is sitting on a hotel couch wearing a winter hat. It must be cold in their hotel room. Cody doesn’t cry in the limo.

The cocktail party is next. The guys sit around and drink wine in the oldest winery in Verona. Dylan pours himself a glass of wine and I notice that the label says 2008. If the winery is so old, couldn’t they do better than 2008? Andi calls the winery the epitome of romance. I can’t really argue. I feel bad for all of the jerks who bring girls to the second oldest winery in Verona. Losers. Way to fall short of the peak of romance.

Nick V. grabs Andi right away to make out in a room. The other boyfriends are mad at Nick V. for pulling their girlfriend into the other room to make out. Andi is totally into it. She says, “That’s a man.” Andi might be a tough as nails District Attorney but, when it comes to making out, you are free to approach the bench.

Dylan the liar is mad so he goes and grabs Andi from Nick V. The other guys cheer him on, immediately after chastising Nick V. for grabbing their girlfriend. This show is confusing.

Dylan makes out with her. Then, Marcus makes out with her. After that, JJ makes out with her. Coach Brian reads her a love letter. She is being full-on courted!

Chris Harrison comes out of moth balls to conduct a one-on-one interview with Andi. It took him 100 minutes to get involved. They sit in a room with a roaring fire and 3 million candles. I swear, it must be freezing in Venice with all of the winter hats and fire. Harrison starts out the interview with a pickle of a question.

“How nice is all of this?”

Andi responds by saying, “This is Italy.”

Keep up!

Harrison and Andi recap everything we’ve just watched. We watch them talking about the things we’ve just watched. Andi admits that her boyfriends might not all be on the same page as her. It’s about time she admitted that. She says that this is the hardest thing she's ever done in her life. Law school must be easy.

After their gripping conversation, Andi looks at the pictures of her boyfriends to help her decide who to dump. It’s kind of like a fast food menu. They show you pictures of the food so you can be all, “Oh yeah! I want a double cheeseburger.”

The rose ceremony is next. Before dumping one of her boyfriends, Andi gives them a speech. She says, “This is about the future and this is what has to happen in order to realize that future.” It’s pretty deep, you guys.

Andi dumps JJ the pants guy approximately 17 minutes after making out with him like a puppy cleaning peanut butter from a spoon. JJ is super sad, despite his perfect pants. It’s emotional. You know you’ve made it far on this show when the Bachelorette takes you out to a bench to explain why she dumped you.

JJ takes it well. They hug. No points for hugs. JJ thanks Andi for everything and then gets into his confessional limo. JJ doesn’t cry. Andi is all broken up until 11 seconds later when she’s cheering with her boyfriends over their new destination. This party is heading to Brussels. Brussels is going to be off the hook. There will be so much drama next week. You guys have no idea.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Bachelorette Recap - Racism and Mimes

Following a bye week, we’re back for more Bachelorette action. Boom! Sports quota filled in the first sentence.

When we left Andi Dorfman, she still hadn’t found love. Still! She dumped some of her boyfriends and one of them died. 11 contestants remain. By the way, I’m aware that Tasos cried after getting kicked off of the show so, if you drafted Tasos on your Fantasy team, you will get the five points.

Andi has taken her love bunch to Marseille, France. That’s where they signed the Treaty of Marseille. The preview footage promises tonight will be super dramatic. Another dramise from ABC. We’re reminded that Andrew is here for the wrong reasons. We’re also given a sneak peak at someone yelling Andi’s name on top of a French mountain. I’m so mad at myself for not making that worth at least 5 points.

We get exclusive video footage of Andi walking around France and thinking. Fulfilling Bachelorette contract terms, Andi tells the camera that France is the perfect place to fall in love. She may actually be right. I’ve heard things about that France.

Chris Harrison works overtime with a sit-down interview with Andi. Harrison wears a turtle neck because he’s in France. Harrison asks Andi if she’s falling in love. She says, “Stop!” He keeps going. After swearing, Andi says that she’s falling in love with more than one guy. You guys, falling in love means you don’t fall in love with more than one person. I guess television love is different than real life love. I think ‘Real Life Love’ is a Stevie Wonder song.

Pro Baseball player Josh M. gets the first one-on-one date. There will be lots of making out. To give the viewers a flavor of France, ABC shows us people selling eels and laundry hanging up on outside clotheslines. It’s exactly how I pictured France.


Andi and Josh go out on a sail boat. I can’t believe I didn’t give out points for boat rides. I guess, if they jump in the ocean and have sex, they’ll get 10 points. Josh and Andi do make out while their boat floats. I’m not sure who is steering. It’s a sail boat and I’m pretty sure people have to work hard to keep those things going. Sail boats do not run on ‘Make Out’ power. ABC doesn’t feel obligated to give the hard working sail boat crew credit. I’ll give them credit. Good job, sail boat crew. If you drafted a team in my league, you each get 4 points!

Andi and Josh get off their boat to sit on a bench. It’s cold and windy. They talk. Because it’s windy and they’re wearing microphones, all you hear is “whoooooosh”. They talk about Josh’s baseball career. Andi is worried that her feelings for Josh are only physical. I’m worried too, you guys!

Back at the hotel, the other boyfriends are gossiping. JJ tells Marquel that Andrew, the guy everyone hates, called the black guys “Blackies”. That’s a no-no! Marquel is super upset and plans to confront Andrew on his racism. Now that’s drama, ABC!

Marquel is so upset that cameras capture him by himself, thinking about how upset he is. He stands on a balcony and then paces, thinking about how to confront Andrew. Marquel even kind of cries. He does. He cries. He gets 5 points. Unfortunately, Andrew is now the guy everyone hates. For that, Andrew gets 5 points.

We’re back to the one-on-one date. Keep up! Andi and Josh wear nice clothes to eat dinner on TV. They’re in a French castle with statues of people without shirts. Those French love their nudity. Andi is hoping for a deep conversation. She’s on the wrong show.

Josh says, “I want you to know everything about me.” Andi says, “Pour it on.” Then, Josh doesn’t really say anything about himself. He talks about the time he was cheated on. He says, “I was like… woah!” There are a lot of sentence fragments. Their conversation is very much like my recaps. It only makes sense if you’re drunk or stupid. I’m assuming none of you have read down this far.

Josh is super focused on love and says, “The next time I say ‘I love you’, it’s not just gonna be ‘I love you’.” I re-think everything I know about love. When they’re done talking, Andi gives Josh a rose. She knows him so much better now. Then, they make out. It’s slurpy.

Andi and Josh get a private concert from Ben Fields. Josh owners get 10 points. I was excited because, at first, I thought the private concert was by Ben Folds. I’d watch a 2-hour Ben Folds concert. Hell, I have watched a 2-hour Ben Folds concert. But, it’s Ben Fields, not Ben Folds. Just two little letters off from happiness. Vowels are amazing like that.

Ben Fields seems nice. I didn’t even hate his music. It’s too bad he has to watch two horn balls make out while he sings and plays his guitar.

The group date is next. Chris the farmer wears bright pink shorts for the group date. I’m pretty sure, if you’re a farmer and you wear pink shorts, you’re not a farmer anymore. Again, I don’t farm.

Andi has something fun planned. I know I’m pretty cynical, but the group date is actually a complete hoot. They… they… Sorry, I’m laughing a ton because the date is so super goofy. Sorry, I’ll pull it together. They… sorry… they go to a Mime class! You guys, mimes!

Andi and the boys receive miming lessons from mimes. I guess, France? Mimes are French? Nice legacy, France; long bread, Joan of Arc and Mimes. Some other stuff, too.

Andi says that the mimes will teach them about relationships because mimes communicate non-verbally. Chris the farmer doesn’t know what mimes do because there are no mimes in Iowa. Well, there you go, kids. If you’re thinking about going to college and you want a job in a wide open field with tons of opportunity, go to the Colorado School of Mimes (inside joke)!

Mimes instruct the men how to mime. Andi translates what the mimes are saying. The mime teachers make the guys mime out in public in front of the French. The guys are nervous because miming is a big deal in France. It’s like eating cheeseburgers here. You don’t want to do that wrong. You’ll get stabbed.

Marquel is having a difficult time on the group mime date because he still hasn’t confronted Andrew on calling him ‘Blackie’ behind his back. It’s dramatic. Luckily, no one can talk. Marquel does good miming, I think. I have no idea. I wish I was drunk.

The guys suck at miming. They look down their French noses at the American mimes. I think we, as a country, would be more forgiving if the French came here and tried to battle rap or something.

After the miming… and, guys, it was a total hoot! After the miming, everyone goes to a French place lit by candles to drink alcohol. JJ the pants guy takes Andi aside to ride a Ferris wheel. They look at France from their Ferris wheel. I think ‘Ferris’ is the French word for ‘wheel’, which would mean they’re on a wheel wheel. They make out.

During the wheel wheel ride, some of the guys yell at Nick V. because he’s grumpy and arrogant. There’s a lot of bleeping and use of the word ‘bro’. Cody yells at Nick V. and points in his face. He does it 4 times. That’s 10 points a point. Cody racks up 40 points.

Andi pulls Chris the farmer aside to ask about the Nick V. drama. Why the hell do you read these? I can’t even follow them.

Cody pulls Andi aside and tells her that Nick V. is here for the wrong reasons. Cody gets 20 more points. Cody is like the Spurs of tonight, as opposed to the Spurs being the Spurs of last night. For the record, I don’t agree with Nick V. being there for the wrong reasons so he doesn’t get 21 points. He’s here for the right reasons. Get over it! He just has a sparkle and he won’t let go of it. He maintains possession of his sparkle. Nick V. gets 10 points!!!!!!!1!!!!eleventy1!!!!!!

Nick V. smoothes things over with Andi, admitting that he punked off Cody. Andi isn’t completely convinced that Nick V. is being sincere. She’s pissed. He pulls out a poem to read it to Andi. I say out loud, “Wrong time to read a poem, bro!” I was wrong, Andi smiles and makes out with him ‘cause she loves her poem. One more point for Nick V. Andi says Nick V. is “Causing a ruckus. Causing a ruckus in my mind.” It sounds like a Country Western song lyric.

After poem time, Marcus gets to make out with Andi. He tells her that he’s falling in love with her. It’s been done.

After that... keep up! After that, Marquel decides to confront Andrew about the ‘Blackie’ comment. We’ll call it Blackie-gate. The whole thing reminds me of a skit SNL did about Michael Jordan being the first Harlem Globetrotter. I’d post it but Lorne Michaels would shut my blog down. What would both of you do without my blog?

Marquel doesn’t pull Andrew aside to discuss this. He does it in front of the group. He tells Andrew he was offended when Andrew said, “He picked the two Blackies.” This show tackles the real issues. Andrew laughs and denies saying anything like ‘Blackies’. Marquel gets more angry and upset. Andrew denies it more. Marquel says, “I really appreciate that.” That’s it. That’s all that happens. It’s more awkward than dramatic. All of Andi’s other boyfriends applaud Marquel for how he handled the awkward thing that just happened. I hate this show.

Andrew tells Andi about the thing he did or didn’t say. ABC uses super dramatic music to highlight the drama we’ve just seen. It’s stupid. Andi gives JJ the group date rose. He takes it. JJ is happy. I’m a bit unhappy.

Coach Brian gets the next one-on-one date. Cody wishes his girlfriend’s other boyfriend good luck on his date. Cody says, “Have fun. You’re in France, bro.” That was my yearbook quote.

Coach Brian and Andi walk into a French theater. ABC needs to make a million dollars on a movie called ‘The 100 Foot Journey’. We see clips of the movie about young lovers who cook and fall in love. Andi and Coach Brian watch the movie and then cook and fall in love. We basically watch a 6 minute commercial. Andi cooks us up a metaphor by saying, “There’s a recipe for love.” I hate this show. I hate this show so much. My hate is a comet.

To make the date super fun, ABC makes Andi and Coach Brian shop for a bunch of disgusting and unusual ingredients to cook a meal. They pick up frog legs. Frog legs… because they’re in France? No wonder the French hate us. They give us a nice statue and we jet our filthy game show contestants into their country to stereotype them with imitation miming and frog leg cooking. ABC is setting back Amero-France relations.

Coach Brian doesn’t like cooking. Andi likes the cooking. She tries to have fun with it but Coach Brian is all coachey. Andi is sad. A master of words, Andi says, “Everything’s cooking, the kitchen is getting hot but, things aren’t really heating up with Brian right now.” I wish I could somehow punch the Earth.

These stupid puns drive me nuts. Do they have writers for this crap? Do producers prompt Andi to compare everything to what she’s doing at the moment? If she’s butchering baby cows on a date, would she say, “I calf to say, it’s going really well!”? Is there no end to their puns?

Andi is upset but decides to give Brian another chance. They ditch their gross food and go out to eat real French food. Coach Brian is back in his comfort zone and does better. Andi forgives him for the 4 seconds he wasn’t incredible. It must be hard when you date people for 30 minutes at a time. With food in their mouths, they make out. Correction, they French! GET IT, GUYS? THEY FRENCH! ‘CAUSE THEY’RE IN FRANCE??!!! You guys are jerks.

Coach Brian gets a rose and pulls Andi aside to dance in France. They French some more in a French kitchen. It’s super Frenching. My wife says Coach Brian is her favorite because he’s genuinely in love with Andi. Coach Brian is here for the right reasons. That’s good for the newspapers, but that doesn’t get you bonus points in a Fantasy Bachelorette League.

The cocktail party is supposed to be next, but first we get ANOTHER ONE-ON-ONE INTERVIEW WITH CHRIS HARRISON. This Harrison guy must be exhausted. Two one-on-ones with Andi, AND he still has to warn people when there is only one rose left.

Andi tells Chris Harrison that she’s cancelling the cocktail party because she knows who she’s sending home. She says she’s sending home three guys. But, there’s supposed to be a cocktail party? We’re skipping straight to the rose ceremony. This show has no rules. It’s a rule-less steel cage match. While Harrison is telling the guys about the canceled cocktail party, ABC plays the type of dramatic music you would use to score a bear chewing its own foot off to escape a trap.

Before the cocktail party, ABC previews a new game show hosted by former Bachelor Josh Groban. They also preview their smutfest ‘Bachelor in Paradise. It looks like the worst thing ever. I’m not going to recap it unless all of you mail me a five dollar bill. I’m not kidding. Real US currency only. Y’all can go to hell.

The Rose Ceremony happens. Marquel, Andrew and some guy I have never once seen before go home. They say a guy named Patrick was on the show. I don’t believe it. He’s gone now, anyway.

Andrew blames his exit on being bullied by his girlfriend’s other boyfriends. Marquel blames God, kind of. He says it wasn’t in God’s plan. If God is up there planning the winners for ‘The Bachelorette’, it would explain all of the war and unchecked drug use going on down here.

Marquel cries and gets 5 more points. He wants love, real bad. He tells the camera that he’s nothing special. I disagree. Marquel was really good at the miming thing. He should go to Iowa.

Next week, the group goes to Venice and a couple of the guys wear scarves. Updated Fantasy scoring is here, or soon to be here.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Bachelorette Recap - Deathiest Episode Ever


Back to back episodes of the Bachelorette. I apologize in advance for your eyes. Andi Dorfman’s journey for love continues to spiral out of control while America helplessly watches with fingernails firmly entrenched between teeth.

13 guys remain in this love trek. Sources close to the Bachelorette have informed me that we get two episodes this week so they can make room for the NBA Finals next week. I think they should have showed the game and the Bachelorette at the same time in split screen. They could have called it the N-Bach-A Finals. Can you tell that, after years of recapping this show, I’m completely out of ideas?

Andi and her boyfriends are magically whisked away to beautiful and exotic Connecticut.

Connecticut? What, was there a convention or something in College Station, TX? Is the Bachelorette budget running thing? Can we expect one of the dates to include free lunches in Cazenovia Park and a trip to a Red Box?

Andi walks around in Connecticut wearing hooker boots. I heard Connecticut is the hooker boot capital of the world. Chris the farmer says that he’s always wanted to visit Connecticut. Dream big, kids. You never know what you’ll accomplish.

The guys pile into their hotel and cuddle with each other on the couch and in the tub. I’m not kidding about that. These guys are such good friends. It’s nice that they don’t let a little something like dating the same girl get in the way of their close kinship.

Dylan gets the first one-on-one date. The guys cheer and hi-five him. I’ll bet they all hope he gets some boobage. My computer doesn’t know what boobage is. How come my computer can ask my to update iTunes four times a day but it can’t learn proper Bachelor lingo?

Dylan and Andi get on a steam train. ABC forces them to operate the steam train to give them an opportunity to draw a parallel between love and steam trains. Andi seizes the opportunity by suggesting their relationship “might pick up a little steam.” I spend 30 minutes running around my living and punching things.

Andi and Dylan drink on their steam train. I wish that was my yearbook quote. Dylan is excited about his train ride but he’s equally eager to tell Andi about his deceased siblings. He was waiting for the perfect chance to tell his story. Everyone knows that the best chance to reveal your tragedies is on a steam train. The steam helps to cleanse the memories.

While relaying the story about his brother, Dylan shuts down and enters a dark place. That’s the way it seems anyway. Dylan refrains from telling his story.

When they’re done with their steam train ride, they walk over to a different train to eat dinner. Dylan is from Connecticut, so he is completely comfortable moving from steam train to steam train.

Andi can tell something is wrong and yells at Dylan for being weird. Dylan takes the hint and tells the story of his sister and brother dying of drug overdoses. It’s super sad. Dylan does break down and cries to earn 5 points. I really intended the ‘tear’ points to count for people who were kicked off the show, but tears are tears.

This is the third time we’ve heard Dylan’s story and it’s pretty devastating each time. I don’t think I’d be able to tell that with a camera trained on me without blowing up. Andi feels like a super big prick for coaxing him into telling it. I wasn’t going to say anything, but she brings it up. They don’t even eat their food, by the way.

After telling his sad and endearing tale, I’m pretty sure Dylan is going to be around for awhile. My wife almost ran into the other room to write him a letter. I’m not at all saying he didn’t go through hell, but he’s totally the man to beat at this moment. He’s like the California Chrome of the Bachelorette. Sports quota filled.

The group date is next. Andi and eleven of her boyfriends play basketball.

“I have never been on a date with 10 other guys before.” – Chris the farmer

ABC brings in some WNBA players to school these chumps. Many of them are ridiculously attractive. I need to watch more WNBA. The ladies beat the men 30-to-8. Then they decide to have mercy and split up the guys to play against each other. The winning team gets a date with Andi later that night. Losers go home. It’s a Bachelor/Bachelorette staple. There is so much sports going on. Its team Rosebuds Vs. team Five Little Hearts. They even drag a PA announcer and a ref from a local bar to call out the starting rosters and officiate the game.

The basketball happens. It happens on your TV. ABC provides the same music that every low budget SciFi movie used in the 1980s to score chase scenes. Its tied 6-6 at halftime. I’ve seen elementary school games with more scoring. Brian is a basketball coach, so he coaches. He says, “You have to take every quarter a quarter at a time.” I hope Brian doesn’t coach kids.

Brian’s Rosebuds cruise in the second half and win their date with Andi. I should point out that this basketball game was technically a date. This was a date carried out by a woman looking to get to know 11 different men in an attempt to find her soul mate. Everyone knows the best way to get to know someone is to watch them play basketball with 10 of your other boyfriends.

We get 10 solid minutes of the losing team lamenting their loss while the winning team celebrates in the other locker room. It’s epic television.

The victory date occurs in some kind of cocktail room located upstairs from the basketball court. Andi is happy that she can be closer to her boyfriends because there are only 5 of them. Good thinking, Andi. Here’s an idea. Only date one person. You REALLY get to know them without other boyfriends around. Also, if you want to find a husband, try doing it without a producer prompting you to ski, operate steam trains and stand on piers to think. I’m not sure if it’s possible to find love without a camera on the handle bars of your bicycle, but it’s worth a try.

Eric the Explorer gets one-on-one time with Andi. They discuss how they’ve grown apart since two weeks ago. It totally shows, you guys. They both dislike this gap that has grown. Eric tries to break out of the slump by talking about his family. He tells Andi that he took time off to visit all of them before coming onto the show, which is super sad considering he dies in a couple of weeks. I can’t imagine being his family and watching this. That would be torture. I REALLY hope they don’t read my recaps.

Brian takes Andi back down to the basketball court to teach her how to shoot a half court shot. She keeps calling him ‘Coach’. I don’t know if I would ever want a girl calling me ‘Coach’. Andi dares Coach to make a half court shot and he does. She’s super turned on and wants Coach to kiss her. He doesn’t. Coach loses.

Three seconds later, Andi is making out with Nick V. One point. Nick V. is totally enjoying the residual steam created by Coach’s half court shot. Coach does get the group date rose, even though he blew his chance at district attorney tongue.

Marcus gets the next one-on-one card. The date card says “the sky is the limit”. Because this is the Bachelorette, we know that these two kids will be forced to climb up or down something really tall in order to properly fall in love. Apparently Andi and Marcus are both terrified of heights. I’d like to meet the person who loves heights and is completely comfortable climbing giant buildings.

Specially trained technicians strap Andi and Marcus into climbing gear to prepare for their building climb. It’s super windy. Andi is upset and second guessing the date she supposedly planned.

What follows is 10 minutes of Andi freaking out and Marcus trying to reassure her that she’s not going to die. They’re both so terrified that there is no way they’re not completely falling head-over-heels in love with each other. I feel so stupid for never having climbed down a building with my wife. I don’t even know her. She’s probably completely wrong for me. You guys, I think I hate my wife. I need to find a tall building and some rope.

Marcus gets 10 points for climbing down a building. Why didn’t you draft a Fantasy team? You better do it in the fall.

Our happy couple worked up an appetite climbing down their building. They go to an Inn to eat on TV. They talk and there’s talking. Andi gives Marcus a rose because he encouraged her to not fall down the building. It was very supportive. They make out. Marcus is seriously racking up points.

Andi tells Marcus that he surpassed every expectation she had. He climbed down a building. Did she expect him to just abandon her on the roof? What were her expectations? Did she expect Marcus to rob a liquor store or throw a rock at the White House? Answer me!

Exclusive... Andi Dorfman Gets Affectionate With Her Date

Four seconds later, Marcus and Andi get a private concert from an ABC promoted country music band. Keep up. Marcus gets 10 more points! Marcus is like Wilt Chamberlain with fewer sexual partners. While they’re dancing to the country music, Marcus tells Andi that he’s falling in love with her. THAT’S SUPER EARLY! Woah! He skipped right past ‘connection’! He didn’t even pump the brakes while passing ‘connection’. ‘Connection’ wasn’t even on the road map. Marcus went straight to ‘love’. Those building climbs must really go straight to your heart. Bravo, ABC.

The next day, Andi gets a special note delivered to her hotel room. ABC even provides us with blurry, romantic footage of the secret admirer penning the letter while she reads it out loud. Andi is all, “Who could have sent me a secret admirer letter?” I’m guessing it’s one of her 13 boyfriends… or that angry dude who stalked out the Bachelor mansion in week one.

The cocktail party is next. We’ve had no drama in an episode where drama was promised. ABC promised drama. They made a dramise!!!! You guys!!! Dramise! I’m a genius. You guys have no idea. When my organs finally fail from the torture I put them through each week while watching this show, you’re gonna miss the special words I make up for you. You guys can have all of my stuff.

Tasos pulls Andi aside to get to know her better. They get to know each other. Coach pulls Andi aside to make out with her in an attempt to make up for not making out with her before. Please read that sentence again and again until it makes sense. One point for Coach for the make out session.

Marguel pulls Andi aside to talk. My wife says that Marquel is in the friend zone. My wife is usually smart about these things. I’ve been in the friend zone for 15 years. Marquel teaches Andi how to choke a man. I wish I was making that up.

Eric the Explorer interrupts to break up with Andi. He feels insecure that Andi doesn’t fall over backwards to please him when they’re alone together. Eric is kind of mad and feels like he Andi isn’t being real. He calls her a TV actress. Eric just became a lot less likeable in about four seconds.

Andi blows up and yells at Eric for calling her fake. Andi starts crying and threatens to kick him off of the show. He kind of agrees with the sentiment. This is kind of weird. For those who don’t know, it is common knowledge in the Bachelor community that Eric goes home tonight and soon dies in a paragliding accident. There will be a lot of talk about whether or not ABC should have even shown this scene. It doesn’t really put Eric in a good light. Eric the Explorer leaves. Weird.

Andi is all sorts of mad and goes into the other room to yell at her other boyfriends for something they didn’t do. This is why you never date a woman who is also dating 12 other guys. I’ll call it a Golden rule. Andi says “Y’all” about 19 times.

As Eric leaves, he walks without moving his arms. He might be a good explorer, but he’s terrible at walking. Work those arms. Build some momentum. Eric continues to bad mouth Andi as he leaves. ABC makes him take a cab home. You don’t get a limo if you don’t play nice.

The Rose Ceremony is supposed to be next, Y’all. It isn’t After the commercial Chris Harrison comes on to tell us that ABC didn’t feel right to show people getting roses with Eric dead. So, if you’re keeping score at home, it’s okay to show a guy act weird and upset the Bachelorette, but it’s not okay to show a rose ceremony. Way to stand your ground, ABC. You guys are moral compasses.

Chris Harrison and Andi talk about Eric the Explorer. They remember the 8 minutes of good times and regret the bad time. While Chris Harrison is asking Andi a question about Eric, he drops in some excellent product placement for the Mohegan Sun Resort in Connecticut. You can almost see the lawyer off-camera, pleading with him to mention the Mohegan Sun.


Andi cries because Eric the Explorer won’t be at the ‘Men Tell All’ episode. One less man will tell all. If I was a gambling man, and I am, I’m betting there will be an empty chair with a rose on it. By the way, while reminding us that they didn’t feel right announcing who left the show in light of Eric the Explorer’s death, Chris Harrison tells us that Tasos was voted off. But don’t pay attention to that information because it’s not an appropriate time to learn it.

That’s it. Dramise delivered. I just added ‘dramise’ to my computer’s dictionary so there will no longer be a red squiggly line underneath it. My computer is learning. We get a week off from The Bachelorette for NBA Finals action. I’ve always thought the NBA was fantastic.

If you have a Bachelorette Fantasy team, you can find the updated scoring here. The scores from last night’s show will be added soon if they’re not there already. Keep up!

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Bachelorette Recap - I'll Make Love to You

The ABC promos for this week’s episode promised tons of drama. “Promise” might be the wrong word. It was more of a threat. They have threatened us with drama. I don’t think you guys are even ready for the drama. Maybe you should take a Dramamine! Get it? Dramamine!

I hate you guys.

Andi Dorfman is still looking for love. I know what you’re thinking, “Still? Greg, she’s been looking for love for weeks. Who can’t find love when given a bunch of guys and a couple of weeks? Is she some sort of deviant or narcissist?” Wow, I can’t believe you guys were thinking all of that. Why don’t you calm down and just read this recap.

In a preview of the drama, we hear Andi say, “If y’all don’t think this is real, then there’s the door. Because, this is real. Every single day, this is real to me. This is so real to me.” So, in case anyone was unclear, this is real.

16 contestants are still in the ring to duke it out for Andi’s heart. Tonight is part one of a “special” two night special. It’s “special” like kids who eat paste. Andi’s fun bunch is in Santa Barabara. Chris Harrison tells the group they’re going to Santa Barbara and they all clap because guys LOVE Santa Barbara. Chris Harrison tells the guys to enjoy Santa Barbara. I hope they do.

Nick V. gets the first one-on-one date. He’s on my Fantasy Team. He doesn’t wear socks with his sneakers. They ride bikes, not camels, so no 5 points. It’s unclear where ABC got the bikes. I’ll bet they buy them and then return them the next day.

Andi is happy to have a normal date. It’s completely normal as cameras capture their bike riding. It happens before us, in living color. ABC even attaches a camera to Andi’s handlebars so we can see what it looks like when you’re directly under her chin. This is so real.

While Nick V. and Andi enjoy their bikes, two guys without shirts hang out without shirts to discuss whether or not Nick V. is here for the right reasons. I can’t tell from his bike riding whether or not Nick V. is here for the right reasons. I’ll have to look into this further throughout the coming weeks. If only the bikes were equipped with more cameras. Andrew is one of the guys without a shirt. He gets a point for saying the word ‘connection’.


Back on a mountain, Nick V. says he has a crush on Andi. Keep up! He’s all goofy around her and it’s adorable. They climb up a rock while maintaining possession of their glasses of alcohol. They reach the top of a rock and hold each other. Despite his loin-aching crush, Nick V. does not make out with Andi.

After bikes and rocks, Andi and Nick V. sit outside to eat on TV. There are zero cameras under their chins. Andi asks Nick V. why he’s still single. Nick V. admits to a 3-second engagement he had with a girl back home. We’ve all had those. Nick V. is taking things slow. Andi respects that. Guys, I’m pretty sure Nick V. is here for the right reasons.

Super soft piano plays while Nick V. talks about the potential for love and how making mistakes in the past allow you to learn how to love better. The collar on his jacket is popped while he makes these declarations.

Andi tells the camera that she has a connection with Nick V. and she gives him a rose. He accepts it. That seals it. If a guy isn’t on a date for the right reasons, he’s not going to accept a rose. They make out. One point. After some slobber, they go up stairs to slobber some more. This is so real.

The group date is next. There will be singing. The opera singer guy is excited because ABC hired him to be an opera singer guy and he’ll get to opera sing. The guys roll up to a music academy in a limo. Just when you thought the group date couldn’t be any more off the hook, Boyz II Men shows up and they are singing. This group date is off the hook. You guys can probably just go ahead and throw that hook away, because there’s no way this group date is ever getting back on that hook. Not with Boyz II Men around.

It’s totally Boys II Men, at least three of them. I thought there were four Boys II Men. Maybe I’m thinking of Bel Biv Devoe. This group date would really take off if Another Bad Creation showed up... or Sudden Impact. Thank you for being the only person to get that.
If you threw a bunch of puppies into a ball put, it wouldn't be this much fun

Brian exclaims that Boyz II Men made him fall in love a bunch of times when he was in High School. Eric the Explorer tells the camera that he touched his first butt to a Boys II Men song. This is so real.

Boys II Men have been brought in to teach the guys to sing in preparation for a live concert. None of the guys can sing. Boys II Men really has their work cut out for them. Andi can’t sing either. No one can sing. Why did ABC plan a singing thing with no singers. While practicing, Andi becomes more than a little flirtatious with one of the Boyz II Menners. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m not certain Andi is here for the right reasons.

There’s a solid 10 minutes of Boyz II Men singing accompanied by contestants talking about how much they love Boyz II Men. It’s a Boyz II Men infomercial. I’m Bored II Men.

The contestants get their shot to sing next. There’s a ton of bad singing. Even opera singer guy sounds terrible. We watch four minutes of ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ in its worst karaoke form. You can totally see why we needed two “special” parts for all of this “special” content. This is so real.

Andi gets the group together to drink around a fire. It’s the best way to date 16 guys. Spray tan Cody gets some one-on-one time. Andi plays a goof on Cody. She confronts Cody about having a girlfriend who is a stripper. Cody is super nervous until he finds out it’s a goof. It was totally a goof. You guys fell for it. Admit it. I can’t even stand how goofy Andi is. I gotta hang out with more district attorneys.

Eric the Explorer is the next to get some one-on-one time. He’s worried that he and Andi are falling out of touch. He doesn’t feel as close to his girlfriend who is dating 15 other guys as he did a week ago. Eric doesn’t feel like a panda in a room full of brown bears.

Marcus and Andi start talking. Four seconds later, they’re kissing. Keep up! One point for Marcus. With Marcus’s dinner fresh on her teeth, Andi takes Josh M., the baseball player guy to a fire pit and cuddles up with him for more smooching. They growl at each other while they make out. You should get more than one point for growly make-out sessions, but there’s no turning back. Josh M. gets the group date rose for his growling skills.

Going to commercial, the group sings more Boyz II Men while ABC dubs in wolf howling. Why do you read these?

JJ the pantsapreneur gets the next one-on-one date. My computer doesn’t think that ‘pantsapreneur’ is an actually profession. My computer is stupid.

Andi and JJ sit through a professional make-up session to appear older. This way, they can see what its like to grow old together. Considering Bachelorette relationships only last a couple of months, this is a really good idea. The make up guys do a very good job. Andi and JJ look old.

This is how much I aged from watching this episode

The happy old couple walks around Santa Barbara to freak people out. ABC stole this bit from Jackass. Andi tells the camera that she really feels like she’s getting to know JJ better from their make-up date. I can tell. They play football, make out and have fun as old people. Andi and JJ talk like old people. Please do not take this statement lightly; this is the worst episode in the history of this pathetic franchise.

Andi has a ton of fun being old with JJ and tells the camera how life would be a blast with him, especially if the ABC make-up specialists agree to live in their guest house for spontaneous park appearances. After crazy old people fun, they sit down to eat on TV, without old people make-up. JJ feels comfortable around Andi. There’s a ton of talking.
Andi gives JJ and his pants a rose. Then, they make out.

They continue to make out and talk like old people. JJ tells the camera that he loved his date and wishes it could have gone on forever. It did.

Back at the mansion, Ron gets a disturbing phone call. A close friend of Ron’s passed away and he leaves the show. His girlfriend’s other boyfriends all hug him goodbye and wish him luck. So, no more Ron.

Also, back at the mansion, Dylan tells Chris the farmer his tale of woe. His brother and sister both died from drugs. Dylan wants the chance to tell Andi about his brother and sister. Hopefully for all of us, he’ll get the chance.

The cocktail party is next. Marquel thinks that everyone deserves a rose. Marquel really likes all of his girlfriend’s boyfriends. It’s nice that they get along so well. I know I always make an attempt to be affable with the other guys my wife dates.

Andi addresses the group about Ron’s unfortunate departure. She says that Ron’s friend dying shows how real this show is. I could have told you how real this show is from my stomach ulcer.

While Andi is talking with Eric the Explorer, a delivery guys walks in to bring her flowers and a note. I’m sure that there was no one at the front door to take the flowers on her behalf. The flowers are from Josh M. He was right in the next room. I don’t see why he couldn’t have just carried the flowers in himself. The Bachelorette leaves a huge carbon footprint.
We’ve been watching for an hour and a half and there has been zero drama. My ‘drama’ tank is empty. If drama was oxygen, we’d all be dead. Luckily, JJ and Josh pull Andrew aside to confront him about getting a waitress’ phone number off camera. It’s a total confrontation. Andrew is all sorts of confronted.
Andrew refuses to dignify their accusation with a response. He walks away. How are you supposed to confront a guy when he won’t stand still? JJ, Josh and a poor camera chase Andrew around the mansion while yelling about his lack of character. It’s confrontastic! There’s so much confrontation, the camera guy can’t keep up. Camera guy, like, needs a fast-speed shutter to capture the confrontation. The camera does get plenty of shots of JJ’s colorful pants.

Andrew doesn’t stand up for himself. You guys, Andrew is here for the wrong reasons. He gets 21 points. During the confrontationism, Josh M. says ‘connection’. One point.

Andrew is mad about being confronted by his friends/girlfriend’s boyfriends. Andrew says, “I sort of thought we were all in this together.” So, Andrew thinks that his girlfriend’s other boyfriends shouldn’t be concerned with his phone number collecting skills. This is so real.

The rose ceremony is next. The longest and most painful episode in Bachelorette history is almost over. A bunch of guys get roses. I do not recognize a bunch of them. Marquel says, “Yes, maam” again.

Andrew and his wrong-reasoned self got a rose. Things are about to get conFUNtational tomorrow. Get it, guys? You guys don’t get it. I hate you guys.

Brett the hairstylist did not get a rose. His hair looks great, though. Lots of business in the back. Opera singer did not get a rose. He tells the camera that, “I’d love to be loved.” Opera singer guy cries. He may not be loved, but he got 5 points.

Please join us tomorrow for another recap. Judging from the preview, there will be a ton of screaming. I know you much you guys love screaming.

To see the update Fantasy standings, go here. Your team rosters will soon be added.