Friday, February 27, 2009

100 Million Dollars

I don't play the lottery, so I'll never have $100 million. Unless, I'm holding a cheeseburger and Albert Haynesworth and I are stranded in a desert. Then I could sell the cheeseburger to him for $100 million. It pays to always have a cheeseburger somewhere on your person.

As sports fans, we're no stranger to these ludicrous deals given to athletes. In tough economic times though, $100 million contracts tend to seem even more absurd.

So instead of being jealous, I'll just dwell on the good things about not having 100 million dollars. Here are the reasons why I'm glad that I'm poor:
- No one wants to talk to me ever.
- When I do my taxes, it takes one sheet of paper. And there's zero chance the government ever knocks on my door to find out how I can afford my couch.
- If I accidentally leave a rake on my front lawn, my neighbors don't grab it and stab themselves in the face so they can sue me.
- I don't have to get a personalized liscense plate.
- When struggling people I've never met can't afford medication for their sick children, they don't think of me with hatred in their hearts.
- I don't have to put up with all of those moody super-models.
- If a strange drunk guy hands me a one hundred dollar bill, I won't be annoyed.
- I'll never have to send out emails to people, asking them to hold onto my fortune because I'm in danger of losing it to my corrupt, foreign government.
- Zero Expectations!!!!!

I hope this list helps you get through these trying times of NFL Free Agency.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

ABC Is A Big Ole' Pimp

ABC's 'The Bachelor' is a swanky, stream-lined game of 'Spin the Bottle' and America is watching.

When we last left our hero, Jason Mesnick, he had his field of 25 ladies narrowed down to 3. And the best soft-core pornography was still in store.

If you don't watch 'The Bachelor', I'll get you up to speed on the show:
- One man sends ABC a video of himself, showing his abs, and asks the network to make him the next 'Bachelor' contestant.
- ABC chooses 25 women, 7 of them completely insane, and sends them to California or Rome to battle with each other for the right to pretend like they're in love with a total stranger.
- 'The Bachelor' makes out with said skanks while telling the camera that he's just looking for a Mom for his infant son that he's abandoned during the taping of the season.
- The final contestant agrees to marry 'The Bachelor' and they date for 6 months until a domestic abuse charge tears the relationship apart.

Now that you're almost caught up, here's what you missed Monday:
Each of the three girls travel to New Zealand to spend one day with Jason. The initial arrangement calls for the girls to sleep in a separate suite. ABC then puts the girls on the spot by having them open an envelope and reading, on national television, an invitation to sleep in the same room with 'The Bachelor'. 'The Bachelor' then has sex with them, we can only assume. The next day, he dumps one of them.

Monday's show was awesome. Jason kept talking about how he wanted each girl to let their guard down and tell him how they really felt. This led to incredibly awkward scenes of the finalists trying to ramble through their fake heart-felt speeches, followed by Jason saying absolutely nothing.

To paraphrase:
- Attention Seeking Tramp- "...I know I keep my guard up and it's hard when you're competing with these other girls, but I am generating feelings. I do think we have a connection and.....I'm falling for you."
- Jason- "....okay. Thanks."

If you're keeping score at home, Mellissa, the former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, and Molly are the two remaining girls.Jillian from Canada was just sent home after having sex with Jason. Apparently, that didn't go well. I liked Jillian. I was rooting for her to win. Of course, I have never had sex with her.

My wife asks me why I'm so hard on the contestants and 'The Bachelor' himself. He does not, admittedly, seem like a bad guy.
Here's my response:
I believe that a person could think the idea of going on a T.V. show and meeting a mate is a good idea. I do not believe that dating someone six times with several other attractive men/women also dating that person, while not able to communicate in a regular fashion because the entire interaction is being taped by a cameraman three feet away and then broadcast to millions of people on television, is a good way to find a mate.

Jason went through this process once as a contestant, and then decided it would be a good idea to put 25 women through the same torture he endured when he was dumped on National Television. He's either a homicidal maniac or an attention starved whore.

Next week: I'll tell you why Deanna, last season's Bachelorette, is the worst human being to ever walk on God's Earth. That's why I hate everything about this show.

I spell-checked this blog and my computer doesn't recognize the word 'skank'. My computer is so naive to the real world.