Saturday, August 17, 2013

'America's Next Top Model- Sexy Kitties

Do you like pictures of guys acting like sexually controlled, leather-clad kitty cats? I like to start my ‘America’s Next Top Model’ recaps with a rhetorical question.

Episode 3 of America’s Next Top Model was kind of boring. I know what you’re thinking. How can you take a bunch of models, put them together with a Supermodel, have them whip each other, and still call it boring? That is what I just did. It was boring.

14 contestants remain in this epic battle between male and female models. Fame and riches await the winner. In the meantime, there will be a lot of pictures taken and made-up words used.

We start things out with ‘No Game’ Marvin sharing his Guess clothes with Don. Marvin won a bunch of free clothes last week because he was fierce. Keep up! The boys show off their new and very expensive clothes by playing foosball.

Host Tyra Banks and Judge Rob Evans gather the models together to lay out the week. Rob and Tyra announced that they’re a couple and everyone screams. There is so much screaming on this show. It was a false alarm. Tyra and Rob were totally LOLing because it was a goof. It was a good goof. I felled for it. They totally goofed me.

Tyra announces that the first photo shoot will be about chemistry and inhaling. This show is a lot like life. It’s all chemistry and breathing. They pair off the models for their chemistry/inhale shoot. The theme of the photo shoot is Sexy/Fierce. I’m pretty sure that’s the theme of every photo shoot, but I don’t argue.

Tyra brings out Victoria Secret Supermodel Alessandra Ambrosio to help with the shoot. There is more screaming. I make a noise, but it’s not really a scream. It’s more like a groin groan. Allesandra is attractive.

Make-up is next. Nina Cat Ears gets her face painted like a cat. Phil and Jeremy put on spiked collars and act like cats. There’s a lot of cat action going on. I call it ‘Caction’. If Tyra can use words that don’t’ exist, I can use words that don’t exist. Tyra paints X’s on a couple of the guy’s faces. I think it’s symbolism for something.

Mike the non-Ice Cream Truck guy is having trouble finding his emotions. The attractive photographer lady gives him some pointers. The pointers help. Mike finds his emotions. I’m confused because Mike’s face looks the same, with or without emotions. I have a lot to learn about modeling and chemistry and inhaling.

ANTM2When leather cat pictures are finished, the models head back to their mansion to jump on a table. Then, a limo brings them to the next photo shoot. I don’t know why the limo didn’t just take them to the next shoot. It seems like a waste of fuel, but I don’t argue.

It is announced that, aside from sexy cat week, it’s also makeover week. You guys, try to keep up.

The models select cards that tell them how they are to be made over. Each time a card is selected, everyone screams. ‘America’s Next Top Model’ has robbed me of 17% of my hearing.

Some of the models do not like their makeover. Cory has his head shaved. He says that he doesn’t want to cry and that he’s trying not to cry. I make the same pact at home. Cory rises above his head shaving and brings the fierceness.

A fat guy with a lot of hair on his back walks in to explain manscaping. Manscaping is the removal of a man’s body hair. My computer needs to learn about manscaping because it keeps underlining the word with a red squiggly line. My computer is not fierce.

Some woman in a lab coat brings out hot wax and starts ripping off hair. There is more screaming. They ripped this bit off of ’40-year old Virgin’.

Meanwhile, Jourdain is getting her hair bleached blonde. Jourdain is upset because they’re changing her hair color. She doesn’t want people to think she’s dumb because she’s blonde. Jourdain doesn’t understand that hair dye does not actually alter DNA. It’s sad because people are going to think Jourdain is dumb, but it has nothing to do with her hair. Plus, she spells her name wrong.

Chlea and Judge Kelly Cutrone had a fight last week. They talk things out and make up. It’s a spiritual makeover. Spiritual makeovers are boring because, when they’re completed, no one screams.

Phil doesn’t like how his makeover is going. He’s bummed out. Everyone comes over to give him words of encouragement to help him through the traumatic period of his life. I pause the broadcast to run to church and light a candle. Phil digs deep and inhales and stuff. It works. Phil lives.

The judges judge the makeover photos. Once again, Social Media scores are included in the final tally, which makes NO SENSE BECAUSE THE SHOW IS AIRED WEEKS AFTER THE RESULTS WERE ALREADY DETERMINED? HOW DOES THIS SHOW CONTROL TIME?

Some of the models score well. Some don’t. Tyra critiques Phil by saying, “I wanna see a booch. This was your time to boy booty tooch.” I’m confused, but the CW pulls up a graphic to explain that Phil’s butt is not currently a ‘booch’. I now know the difference between when a man has his butt properly positioned to booch and when a man does not. I feel like I should get a retro college credit or something.

Before he’s judged, Cory cries about his bald head, even though he promised that he wouldn’t cry. I feel betrayed.

After the votes are tallied, Chlea is sent home. That’s life. One moment, you’re inhaling and spiritually made over, the next moment, you’re kicked off of a Reality TV show.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

'America's Next Top Model'- Walking Down Buildings

Don't worry. She's not really pregnant and he's not really an Ice Cream Truck guy.
'America’s Next Top Model' didn’t waste any time incorporating buildings into Cycle 20. This week, there’s a really tall building and the 16 remaining contestants will walk down that building. This episode combines fear with posing. Somewhere out there, a guy with big glasses and a hat that looks like a hammock has invented the word ‘fearosing’. It’s week 2 of 'ANTM' and I’ve already run out of things to type.

The contestants face their challenge. A lot of them cry. There’s crying in modeling, apparently. Don says, “God be with me.” I hope some kid’s dog didn’t die after getting hit by a car because God had to help some dude with sparkly eyes walk down a building.

Before ‘Building-Gate’, we get to learn a little more about our remaining 16 contestants. Chris S. is a southern rebel. Bianca’s name is actually Bianca and she isn’t afraid of heights. We discover that Mike, the Ice Cream truck worker is really a model and not a ‘Cinderella Story’ Ice Cream truck worker discovered by Tyra Banks and given a once-in-a-lifetime chance to escape the badlands of America. Mike likes Bianca and Bianca likes Mike. The CW is probably excited for their innocent sexual tension. Nina wears cat ears because she probably thinks she’s a cat.

The models take their place outside of the building they are about to descend. They’re all wearing Guess jeans, which is what you wear when you’re climbing down a building. The music used for this challenge makes it clear that someone is about to die… or model, or something. Cory says, “This requires so much core strength and leg strength but, you still have to be fierce.” Something tells me I’m going to be sick of the word ‘fierce’ by the end of the season.

It starts to rain, making the building walk more dangerous and fierce. I don’t know how the CW got it to rain. Hopefully, they share this technology with farmers.

Chris S. and Cat Ears go first. They’re strapped into harnesses and take a step. We hear thunder. A bunch of people in the crowd below put their hands over their mouth. The show goes to commercial. So, Chris S. and Cat Ears are dead.

Oh, wait guys. They didn’t die. That was a TV trick. Cat Ears just slipped. They walk down the building without dying. More models walk down the building. Jourdain is nervous because she spells her name wrong and she has to walk down the building with Chris H. Chris H. is the immature guy who puts on boxing gloves and punches people in the crotch because he had a rough childhood. It happens. Despite his trouble past, Chris H. manages to walk down the building with Jourdain without pulling boxing gloves out of his Guess jeans and punching her in the crotch. I breathe a sigh of relief.

Corey calls his jeans ‘fierce’. None of the models appear poised or fierce until they reach the ground. There’s a lot of slipping. The whole exercise seems pointless. Some girl named Jiana falls and they show one of the judge ladies shaking her head while watching on a monitor. The judge lady is disappointed that Jiana couldn’t walk down a wet building without making a mistake. These judges are fierce!
Much like Chris H., Don had a troubled past. Apparently, you can’t be 'America’s Next Top Model' unless you have had a troubled past. Don has trouble walking down the building due to his troubled past. Renee does a good job walking down the building because her grandmother died 9 years ago. This show is unpredictable, at best.

When they’re done walking, they announce the best and worst two people to walk down the building. Mike, the Ice Cream truck guy who is not an Ice Cream truck guy loses for being stiff. Bianca loses because she fell off the building instead of walking down it.

The finalists of this challenge were Marvin, who wanted to keep his Guess clothes because he doesn’t have a lot of clothes (troubled past, probably) and Renee. Renee wins. Renee is really good at walking down buildings, you guys. She’s fierce. She gets a giant key to stay in a Tyra Banks suite and clothes.

Back at the Model mansion, Marvin tries to sleep with all of the female models. It’s what you d
o when you live in a Model mansion. Marvin isn’t very good at getting women to have sex with him. I’m guessing it has to do with the number of teeth in his mouth. He’s like a Great White shark.
Up next is the photo shoot. Tyra Banks announces that the models are going to get married. Tyra helps with makeup and hair. It’s a big deal.

The photos will institute a new type of technology called ‘Flixel’. Flixel makes certain parts of the photo move. This used to be called ‘video’. We’re progressing as a species.

Jeremy and Jourdain are the first married couple. The theme of their wedding is nudity. Jeremy reminds everyone that he’s a virgin. It’s a helpful reminder because I forgot. I totally went the whole week without bringing up Jeremy’s virginity in conversation. Jeremy says, “I’m actually a virgin so, how am I supposed to pose as a nudist?” Along with never having sex, Jeremy has also never looked up the word ‘sex’ in the dictionary.

Jourdain has a problem looking happy for her wedding shoot because she got married when she was 18 and it didn’t go well (troubled past again!) Jourdain gets her act together and smiles. It’s a heroic feat. She’s like Kerri Strug.
There are more wedding pictures. The CW borrows a couple of little kids to dress things up. Tyra Banks says the words ‘schmize’ and ‘booch’ again.
Don with a troubled past is tasked with posing as the husband of Chris H. with a troubled past. Both men are straight. Both men have troubled pasts. It’s dramatic. These models rise above it all.

Back at the mansion, Mike the non-Ice Cream truck guy drinks a bunch of wine and breaks a cup. Marvin chastises Mike to the camera for not focusing on his modeling. I had no idea that models could stand around and focus on modeling. If, to be a model, you are not given the personal space to drink wine and break cups, I don’t think I’ll ever want to be a model. I don’t possess that level of commitment. Plus, I schmize and booch like it's going out of style.

Fans of 'America’s Next Top Model' get to vote for their favorite models on Social media sites. A disclaimer on the bottom of the screen tells me that it’s too late for me to vote because the voting is closed. I’m pretty sure I’m not watching a re-run. How the hell was I supposed to watch a show before it aired? Why wouldn’t they just edit out references to voting? Don’t tell me that I can vote for my favorites and then deny me that privilege. Now I know how women felt in the 1800’s.

The judges judge and, there’s judging. The word ‘fierce’ is hardly used so I have no idea what is going on. They integrate fans commenting on the Flixels from home. HOW THE HELL DID THEY SEE THE FLIXELS? Why wasn’t I invited to the pre-'America’s Next Top Model' viewing party? How come they never let me join in any reindeer games? It’s all a popularity contest.

Tyra Banks sends two models home, Chris S. and Bianca. There’s sad music and crying. Next week’s theme is ‘Makeovers’. I hope they make this show over into ‘Airwolf’.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Bachelorette Recap- Not Caring That Your Wife Loves Someone Else

Getting Dumped Hurts for a Whole Day!
You know how Algebra class takes forever, ruins your life, and you forget it three seconds after it happens? Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you the finale of a painful Bachelorette season.

Dez (she’s Dez now) has narrowed down her search for wedded bliss to two men. More accurately, Dez had her search narrowed down for her. She loved Brooks. Brooks had other plans.

Last week, Brooks dumped Dez. Keep up! This week, Dez will choose from her remaining two boyfriends who she doesn’t like as much. It’s also possible Brooks could change his mind and come back. It’s also possible that Dez could be visited by Bentley, fall in love with Bentley, and then get dumped by Bentley. Bentley is just that good. You’re probably asking yourself right now, “Who is Bentley?” Dear sweet Jesus above, do I wish I was you.

We begin by recapping last week’s snot-fest. Chris Harrison’s voice over for the montage is as serious as a Doctor telling someone they have 48 seconds to live. ABC then previews the things we are about to see instead of just showing us these things AND SAVING US TIME SO WE DON’T HAVE TO SPEND 3 HOURS OF OUR LIVES WHEN ALL WE NEED IS 30 MINUTES!!!

The Bachelorette is giving us a live studio audience, so there are witnesses to the drama. I’m hoping for head shaking and head nodding. Harrison promises us more Dez craziness and the unveiling of the new Bachelor. We’re 2 minutes in and acid has already burned a hole in the wall of my stomach.

We cut to Dez thinking on a porch in Antigua. Keep up! She talks about Brooks breaking her heart. I do some head nodding. Harrison comes in for an interview. Dez can’t even answer a simple ‘How are you?’ question without crying. Harrison says that he understands her pain, while simultaneously doing nothing to help her.

Dez snots a little and then starts to talk about her remaining two boyfriends. She smiles and starts to accept second place. Soft piano music enters the scene to tell us that Dez has been visited by ABC lawyers who persuaded her that she better start falling in love with Drew or Chris. Dez goes back to her thinking porch to think. This girl is like Buddha.

Next up is a Rose Ceremony. I guess someone felt the need to finish last week’s show. Two roses will be given to two guys. Neither of them is loved. It’s a waste or roses.

Dez stares at the two pictures of the guys she’s about to give roses to. Chris Harrison brings Drew and Chris up to speed on the Brooks dumping. Then, he brings Dez out so she can continue with the charade of being interested in two men she wasn’t interested in the previous day.

Before handing out the roses, Dez bursts into tears because Brooks dumped her. It must be super comfortable to be Drew and Chris, knowing you’re a set of steak knives. Drew and Chris both know their role so they accept their second place rose trophies. Then, they hug, one at a time. It’s fun to watch Drew’s face while he watches his girlfriend hug her other boyfriend while still crying over the other boyfriend who dumped her… in Antigua.

After a commercial break, Chris Harrison asks the live studio audience questions. It’s a great idea. The first hopeless woman tells Harrison that she thinks Brooks is coming back. Boom! The second cat owner says that she’s on Team Chris. That declaration is followed by other cat owners in the audience who are also on Team Chris. I open a new window and search East Bay for Team Chris and Team Drew jerseys. They don’t exist… yet.
Team Chris and Team Drew Both Lose!

Harrison asks the audience if anyone is on Team Drew. The response is not great. Team Drew isn’t popular. He needs a new marketing team.

We’re back from commercial and Dez checks her hair in the mirror with a camera guy 26 inches away. She thinks about Drew because he has the first date and she has to hurry up and convince herself that she loves someone other than Brooks.

She rides up to Drew on a horse while he’s on foot. It’s a weird mounted v. non-mounted confrontation. ABC gives Drew a horse and they ride their horses to the ocean… on Antigua. Dez doesn’t even give Drew 3 minutes before she realizes she can’t force herself to love him, no matter how hard the ABC lawyers punch her off camera.

Dez decides to dump Drew on a beautiful beach. Drew sees it coming and gets a pained look on his face. On  a scale of 1-to-10, my discomfort is a 5. Dez tries to start dumping Drew, but she can’t stop crying. My discomfort climbs to 8. Before I lose it, Drew helps with the dumping by finishing her “You’re dumped” speech. He fills in the part about him being dumped and tells her not to be sorry for dumping him. Then he says, “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Drew takes the Antiguan dumping well. Dez sits there like a tool and says nothing. They hug goodbye. That’s a lot of content for one Bachelorette finale and we still HAVE TWO HOURS AND TWENTY MINUTES OF SHOW LEFT! I WILL FIND YOU, ABC GUYS! I WILL FIND YOU AND DO SOME OF THE STUFF THAT LIAM NEESON DOES IN ‘TAKEN’.

Drew gets some time to tell America and Canada how confused he is. A Camera guys follows him off the beach right after he’s dumped. The camera is in his face the entire time. I give him credit for not getting stabby. He didn’t even get ab-rubbing ‘Hot Tub’ time with Dez. I would be irritable. Drew got jobbed. Drew cries himself into the ‘Dumped’ limo.

The shocked faces of the live studio audience members after Drew’s dramatic dump scene are priceless. They look like I must look when I see people littering.

Coming back from commercial, the same studio audience that cried for Drew is now applauding like fans behind the opposition’s free-throw basket (Sports quota filled). Dez meets Chris for their date. They’re going on a boat ride. I make note of the fact that Chris does not have any pens or paper on his person. We may get some poem-free television here. Chris apologizes to Dez for Brooks dumping her. It doesn’t make a ton of sense.

Dez and Chris hug on their boat. No one has said Antigua in 30 minutes so they both take turns saying Antigua. They play and laugh on their boat. I’ve never noticed it before because he’s always reading poems but, Chris is a tremendous dork.  Dez doesn’t notice because she’s telling the camera that she’s starting to convince herself that she really loves Chris and can’t even remember old ‘What’s his name’ who dumped her 30 hours ago.

Dez and Chris up the fun by jumping into the ocean. I wonder, if either of them got stung by a jellyfish, would ABC show them peeing on each other? It’s not like I want to see that. I wouldn’t even watch if Dez peed on Chris or if Chris peed on Dez. It’s just a hypothetical question.

They’re done playing in the ocean. Keep up! They go back to a hotel suite where there is a ton of paper. Chris proposes a toast and I’m positive he’s about to read a goddamned poem. Some mandolin music kicks in and it’s clear ‘Poem’ time is a coming.

ABC interns have placed candles on a shelf. These candles are underneath wicker baskets. Wicker, I’m pretty sure, is very flammable. I suddenly have hope that their suite could start on fire and all poems could be consumed by the flames. Good job, Bachelorette interns!

Dez sits on the couch and continues to convince herself that Chris isn’t an annoying, poem-reading psychopath. Chris remarks how great they are together. Dez is all, “Oh yeah! I do love you! I can’t even remember being dumped a few seconds ago by that guy who made me cry more than hungry orphans on Christmas.”

Chris asks Dez if she wants him to meet her parents. It reminds me that Dez’s terrible brother hasn’t made an appearance yet. I cheer up a little. Dez agrees to bring Chris and her family together. These lawyers have really done a job on her.

We’re almost to a commercial and Chris pulls a book out of a drawer. Why can’t they treat him like a prisoner on suicide watch and take all of his writing utensils away? It’s a diary. He’s giving Dez a diary. The back of the diary is filled with his poems. Gag. They make out a little. We’re over an hour into, what is supposed to be, slurp-fest 2013 and this is the first slurp. Dez seems happy. Then, she talks to the camera a little and she starts snotting all over again. She says that she doesn’t know what being loved feels like. Dez has never pulled out a stack of singles at a strip club before.

As we head to commercial, ABC shows us the moon. Thanks, ABC!

We’re back to the live studio audience. Harrison is holding a microphone that he isn’t talking into. I panic because it’s clear he’s about to hand that mic to someone. It turns out that ‘someone’ is a bunch of former Bachelor franchise contestants, here to grab more fame. Giant religious Sean and his fiance Catherine announce that they’re still together. It’s a more astounding feat than the sub-4-minute mile.

Sean and Catherine give us their thoughts on Dez’s journey as if we cared at all. There is a ton of talking. ABC is terrible. Now, Dez’s friends are talking. By “friends” I mean “Girls that Dez competed with for Sean, the guy across the room getting married to a different girl”. Keep up!

While these idiots talk, audience members do their duty and nod their heads in agreement with everything being said, even when nothing is said. While a girl named Leslie is talking, my wife says, “She looks like a puma… a pretty puma.”

I need to stop the recap and ask you girls out there, is it okay to have your looks compared to those of a puma if the beholder thinks that you’d be a pretty puma?

We’re back to the recap. Holy cow, keep up! Dez is back on the porch thinking. If she was the President of America, nothing would ever get done. We’d need a presidential thinking porch. Chris arrives at Dez’s hotel to meet her family, including the brother from hell. ABC dresses the evil brother in a striped shirt to make him seem less like a thug. It’s funny seeing a Gap shirt covering up prison tattoos.

The family grills Chris with questions. Chris is clearly intimidated by Dez’s brother, even though he seems to be behaving. They’re all apparently happy with his answers because they nod like crazy.

Evil brother asks Chris if he would get married to Dez if he wins the Game Show. Chris says 100%. As much as I dislike Chris, I admire his ability to stay between 0-and-100%.

Dez’s Dad pulls Chris aside for a talk. Chris is planning on asking Dad for permission to marry Dez. While he’s talking, there’s a bug or a bird making a sound like windshield wipers. What the hell is wrong with the bugs in Antigua? It makes following the dialogue confusing. Plus, the dialogue sucks.

Chris pops the question to Dez’s Dad. There’s some soft piano. While Dad says yes, the piano turns into guitar and we’re rocking out to matrimonial approval.

Dez takes Chris into an Antiguan driveway to make out with him before he leaves. With Chris out of sight, Dez’s brother and his scorched forehead sit down with Dez to talk. Evil brother says nice things about Chris. Then, bro brings up Brooks. Piano guy is back in charge for dramatic ‘Brooks’ music. It’s clear Brooks is not out of the picture yet. It sounds to me like interns need to ready the thinking porch. Dez has got some thinking to do.

This recap is entirely too long and I’m only halfway through. I apologize for that.

Chris gets ready for the final Rose ceremony by standing in a doorway to think while not wearing a shirt. ABC also captures him walking and thinking. Meanwhile, Dez gets changed and thinks. There’s a lot going on.
Chris sits down with the diamond guy for our annual paid programming. We’re treated to some giant diamonds. I wonder if Neil Lane the diamond guy beats his help. I doubt it. I’m sure a guy that rich can hire help to beat his help. He probably has an endless staff of staff beaters.

Chris arrives in a limo. Dez is crying to the camera because she doesn’t know what she’s going to do. I’m guessing, if she dumps Chris, Neil Lane gets his diamond back.

Chris starts talking and doesn’t seem to stop forever. He cries and proposes marriage. Before he gets down on his knee, Dez interrupts him. She makes sure that he’s cool with how much she was into Brooks. While she’s explaining this, she’s bawling. She says that she was so blind-sided by Brooks dumping her that she didn’t realize how much she loved Chris. That’s a big hairy ball of bull crap!

Dez doesn’t dump Chris. She accepts her 2nd place prize and, much worse, her 2nd place prize accepts being Garfunkel. They cry and make out in mediocrity. ABC smiles because they got their ‘kind of’ happy ending. We still have an hour to go but, this is the worst ending in Bachelor/Bachelorette history.

They play happy music and show the happy moments that Dez and Chris had throughout the season. They omit the part where Dez got dumped by Brooks and cried for an hour and 15 minutes while talking about how she didn’t love “the other two”. They do not omit a Chris poem. I hate this show. I don’t think I’d like to be in the same room with Chris while he watches the season back. That would be… uncomfortable.

The studio audience is thrilled. They clap like they didn’t just watch replacement players win the Division II National Championship. Chris Harrison is happy because he gets paid to do nothing. He says, “How good was that?” He must not have heard me shout, “It was terrible!” because he keeps talking about how good it was.

The final hour is terrible. They interview Desiree. They call her Desiree. I thought she was Dez now.

Dez is really nervous because she has to explain to America how she is faking a relationship with a guy who reads poems. Harrison actually does something by asking her how she got engaged to a guy who she didn’t love 15 minutes before getting engaged. Dez says, “Chris was always there and I was always falling in love with him.” It makes sense. I take back everything I typed about this show.

Harrison says he’s brining Brooks out. Harrison warns Dez how difficult it’s going to be to see Brooks. Harrison does not, however, offer to NOT bring Brooks on the show. Brooks walks out to thunderous applause from women who simultaneously hate him and desire sex with him.

Brooks is already crying before he begins to talk. Dez asks Brooks why he dumped her. He says, “Good question.” They talk and there’s talking. Dez accepts the explanation of the dumping with poise. Everyone laughs, except me. Luckily for Chris, Dez doesn’t straddle Brooks at any point during their talk.

Dez says that she doesn’t regret getting dumped by Brooks. They tell Brooks that Dez chose to get engaged to the guy who reads poems. Brooks congratulates her and the audience claps. Everyone is happy, except for me… and maybe Drew.

Harrison brings Drew out next to make sure we don’t go 8 minutes without someone crying. The audience claps for and swoons over Drew because he’s wearing a suit. He tells America that he’s still in recovery over his Antiguan dumping. Cameras pan to the audience and we see a guy. There’s a guy in the audience!

Drew runs down the details of his dumping. It’s painful. He tells Chris Harrison that he isn’t angry and then thanks Dez for dumping him. Someone wants to be the Bachelor.

Drew almost escapes with dignity but he stops and asks Dez what he could have done to not get dumped. It’s not a good question to ask. He spirals down further by asking more questions about why she liked other guys better. I start to sweat. Drew presses her on when she stop loving him. It’s pathetic. It’s not as pathetic as getting dumped by a man and then getting engaged to a different guy hours after saying you didn’t love him, but it’s pathetic.

Chris comes out to talk about the crap we’ve seen four times. Dez and Chris fake make out to pretend like she loves him. Chris Harrison asks Chris if he trusts the fake love Dez has declared. Despite having seen the episode where Dez snotguns boogers all over Antigua over her love for Brooks, Chris says yes.

I’m really tired. They re-show Chris’s proposal. There’s more talking. Dez is going to move to Seattle to further her lie. Chris reads another horrible poem because God hates me. He screws up while reading his own poem. It makes me think that he doesn’t even write his own poems. ABC probably has the candle interns write them.

Chris Harrison announces that Juan Pablo will be the next Bachelor. The live audience has a collective orgasm. Harrison interviews Juan Pablo and I don’t really understand anything he says. I can just picture ABC executives forcing Juan Pablo to Rosetta Stone. So, next season, we get to look forward to broken English and the exploitation of Juan Pablo’s daughter. It’s sweet. I’m glad Juan Pablo tested well with sample audiences.

While the credits roll, Juan Pablo hugs all 300 audience members.

I don’t have to recap the Bachelor until January. I feel like Andy Dufresne, crawling out of the sewer pipe. There’s an entire NFL season in between me and another Bachelor recap. If you read this recap to the bottom, I’ll buy you ice cream.

Greg Bauch is the author of ‘Frank Dates’ and can’t afford to buy you ice cre

Friday, August 2, 2013

America's Next Top Model- Season Premiere

‘America’s Next Top Model’ enters into its 20th cycle. Other shows have seasons. ‘America’s Next Top Model’ has cycles. That’s what sets it apart… I think. This is my first time watching the show.
I have never watched ‘America’s Next Top Model’. I’ve been recruited by Starpulse (I begged) to watch and recap ‘America’s Next Top Model’. My High School Guidance Counselor’s assessment is now 100% accurate.

There is a new wrinkle to the CW’s #1 show. There are now male model contestants, which is lucky for me. Sixteen men and women battle it out for a $100,000 ‘Guess’ ad campaign and a modeling contract with Next Model Management. The stakes are high. No one is pretending like the stakes aren’t high. Perception of stakes is evident. They’re high.

The premiere will be shown in two parts. To open our program, the star of our show, Tyra Banks unveils the addition of men. She says, “That was then, this is now.” She frames her face when she says, “this is now.” I now understand when now is. 

We’re treated to video footage of the men and women under consideration for the 20th cycle. There is a montage of girl models and a montage of guy models. My first impression is that everyone needs a sandwich.

I’m not really sure what happens next. They piece together video of three guys saying, “I can smize but I ain’t gonna tooch. I’m a guy. We booch”. We’re 38 seconds into the show and I’ve already used 12 times. Of the hundreds of definitions for the word ‘booch’, my favorite is “Booch- A word used to displace a noun that shows distaste for the replaced noun.” Go ahead and win your next game of Scrabble with ‘booch’.

One hundred or so models stand in a room to be scrutinized. Tyra walks into the room and everyone screams. Tyra is attractive. Tyra Banks asks the room of semifinalists, “Who’s taking it?” Everyone in the room screams. I guess they are all taking it. This show is confusing.

The models are asked to walk. They walk. The judges judge. Decisions are made as to which of the models will move on to the next round of qualifying. Tyra personally calls the 35 semifinalists so we can see video of them screaming. There’s a ton of screaming on this show. We are mercifully sent to a commercial break so I can catch my breath.

The 35 semifinalists arrive in LA on a bus. There’s a ton of talking. A white guy on the bus raps and, as contractually obligated, starts his rap with , “My name is…”

They arrive in a hotel banquet room. Much of this show consists of a random person asking, “What’s up?” followed by people screaming.

We’re slowly introduced to the more interesting contestants. A guy named Jeremy tells America he’s a virgin. He also says that he’s a big ladies guy. It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife. A woman named Virgg explains that she is transgender. It would probably be uncomfortable to watch this show with my brothers. Ashley puts a question mark at the end of every sentence she speaks? So everything she says is a question? A girl named Jourdan spells her name incorrectly and tells the camera, “I got married at 18 and divorced at 18. I regret it but, it’s made me what I am today.” Basically, it’s made her 19.

Some girl named Alexander either has to scream or cry in order to communicate. It must suck taking her order through a Drive-thru window.

The contestants are challenged with their first challenge. The first event is a thing where the models walk. Everyone is nervous about it. The guys and girls take turns choosing a partner to walk the runway and, when they reach the end, they must kiss. It’s like sexy Red Rover. This challenge takes modeling and adds the dramatic twist of kissing complete strangers.

Kanani puts it best when she says, “I love runway life. My walk is, like, on point. So, I’m like, I’m gonna rock it out, but, like, I’m tired of seeing girls, like, where are the guys?” This show is definitely opening up new doors for me, model-wise.

The models walk, kiss and pose. Some of them do well, I think. Everyone is wearing masks. I’m having trouble telling people apart. It’s all happening so fast.
Up next is the interview portion of our show. It’s hard to keep up because Tyra keeps switching to a British accent halfway through her sentences. Tyra brings one of the models out, asks them a question, and then has them take off their shirt. This continues until they’re out of models.

Marvin from the Bronx has a mouth like a tarpon. I guess that’s a good thing for models. Growing up, Marvin was ashamed of his janitor Dad. The judges like that he has a janitor Dad, so it worked out for Marvin. Tyra extols the benefits of janitor dads by snapping her fingers and pointing a lot. Marvin changes his tune and yells, “My Dad’s a janitor!” It’ only the first episode and we’re already working out psychological issues. This show is changing my life.
A girl named Anjel had trouble walking. Keeping score, it’s good for models to have janitor Dads but bad for models to have trouble walking.

Jourdan, the 19-year old divorcee, tells the sad story of her drug-using Dad. Drug-using Dads are much different than janitor Dads. Drug-using Dads help you build character, but Tyra doesn’t snap her fingers when she talks about Drug-using Dads. Are you even still reading this recap?

A girl named Nina weighs 58 pounds and has a collection of woodchucks in her refrigerator. Everyone on Reality TV has a terrible back story. Many of these contestants had janitor Dads or worse. Phil has a beard and wears duct tape shoes. They fail to mention his Dad’s occupation so we’re not clear on his plight.

Back stage, people are dancing. It’s nuts. One of the girls accurately depicts the scene by saying it’s ‘Macadamia’ nuts, so we know the score.

Producers stick the contestants into a van and drive them to a mansion to announce the finalists. They could have made the cuts in the banquet hall and saved on gas but, America’s Next Top Model is not about fossil fuel conservation. What they waste in fuel, they save in lunch supplies.
A guy named Ronald was eliminated. He tells the camera that his elimination is not a set-back. Ronald needs to become a model because he will have trouble finding work in any field that involves the English language. Episode 1 of Cycle 20 comes to an end.

Episode 2

The stakes are announced early. This hour, 10 contestants will be eliminated. I get excited because, at this rate, this cycle will only last 2 weeks.

We open the episode with the contestants hanging out in the kitchen of their mansion and eating food. I’m assuming that the food is not real, based on the number of rib cages I’ve seen.

Marvin re-tells his janitor Dad story. They show us a picture of his janitor Dad being a janitor. One of the girls uses the word “Misconscrewed” in a sentence.

It’s hard to understand what anyone is saying because there is a steady stream of screaming in the background of every segment. It’s like a ‘Saw’ movie. When Tyra enters the mansion, the contestants scream. NASA needs to harness this energy. The screaming on this show could power schools.

It’s time for Tyra to give out some advice to the ladies. Bianca says, “Tyra’s advice is the most important advice I’ll ever get from anyone.” Microphones pick up on some of Tyra’s advice. She gathers the women in a circle and tells them, “A man wants a woman who is a like an animal in the jungles of Africa.” I get choked up because my Dad gave me the same advice before I went to college.

A professional model named Rob Evans sits the guys down to give them advice. Rob is British, I think. People will just speak British on this show and I’m not worldly enough to tell if they’re faking or if they’re really British.
There’s a contestant named Delten. Delten was a plumber from Alaska and now has a 1-in-20 chance of winning Amercia’s Next Top Model. The most amazing part about this is that 2 people would name their son ‘Delten’. Delten obviously had a rough upbringing because his jacket only comes down to his nipples. He can’t even afford a full jacket.

There’s a lull in the show so a guy named Chris grabs some boxing gloves and starts punching guys in the crotch. These kids need some video games or drugs.

Next comes a photo shoot. I’m assuming there will be a lot of these. The photo shoot takes place on a building in Los Angeles. A giant projector broadcasts the pictures to passersby. It’s a good example of driver distraction.

A guy named Cory is wearing a shirt that looks like one of those ropes that holds hanging plants. This show is definitely opening new doors for me, fashion-wise.

A girl uses the word ‘significent’, and I’m not sure if she misspoke or if ‘sigficent’ is a word that kids are using now. This show is definitely opening new doors for me, vocabulary-wise.

The photo shoot is over and we’re back at the mansion. Keep up! Jeremy and Jourdan like each other and will probably annoy America with romantic misunderstandings.
Marvin comes back in front of the camera to cry about his janitor Dad again. Producers set up a touching segment where Marvin calls his janitor Dad to thank him for being janitor Dad. Some of this exchange is in Spanish but, I think I got the gist of it. Marvin’s Dad is a janitor.

Nina sits in front of the camera to talk about Chris. No one likes Chris because he puts on boxing gloves and punches people in the crotch. Nina wants to help Chris so she sits him down to talk out his issues. Chris tells Nina that he puts on boxing gloves and punches guys in the crotch because his Mother never told him she loves him. I have something in my eye.

Nina wears cat ears. She tells the camera that she’s more quirky than sexy. I disagree because she’s rocking those cat ears.

We come back from commercial to some shots of the homeless bearded guys lifting sculptures to keep in shape. This show is definitely opening new doors for me, workout-wise.

Virgg is taking hormones to complete her transition into womanhood. The hormones are making it hard to model. Apparently, modeling is the opposite of baseball. Everyone supports Virgg so they sit on the floor to tell her encouraging things.
Despite the things, Virgg wants to leave the show. She walks into Tyra’s trailer to break the news of her departure. Virgg and Tyra cry. They’re crying, and now my wife is crying and I’m crying and everybody is crying.

The cut down to 10 comes next. Tyra consults with her panel to discuss the contestants. One of the guys on the panel is wearing giant white bunny ears. It’s a nice distraction from his shirt. I didn’t drink enough to recap this show.

Tyra walks out to begin the end ceremony. The contestants scream as if they haven’t just spent a week 20-feet away from her. There is just so much screaming. Tyra brings out Paul Marciano. He tells the contestants something but I’m not sure what it is because Paul is from France.

Tyra announces the contestants going through to the next round. Before Tyra calls out a name, she says, “The next name I’m going to call out is…” She would save so much time if she just called out the name.
The final name called is Marvin. He cries. His Dad is a janitor.

Delten was one of the guys sent home. Delten isn’t sure what he’s going to do now. You can’t go back to plumbing Alaska when you’ve been this close to the top. One thing is for sure, Delten’s twitter handle is @delten because no one else on Earth is named ‘Delten’.

Next week, the contestants are going to walk down a building. I punch a hole in my wall because I don’t want to wait 7 days.