Monday, January 30, 2012

Bachelor Recap- Dumping a Girl and Pushing Her Off on an Inner Tube

“Game over ladies… or Game on.”


We’re neck deep in a typical season of a bad show. Quotes like that gem are all over the place on the Bachelor and I’m finding it hard to keep up with the fun. Ben has narrowed down his search for love to a dozen or so women. It’s anyone’s game at this point, except society’s. For society, it’s game over or game on. I should probably start this recap.

This week, there will be skinny dipping and what else could possibly matter? I mean, seriously! Skinny dipping! And screw English for ‘I mean, seriously!’ not being a real sentence. None of these are.

Everyone gets a date this week. There will be two 1-on-1’s and a group date.“This week’s really important because I’m halfway through my journey of finding my future wife.”

Ben and his harem head to Puerto Rico, which is Spanish for ‘Door Rich’.

Chris Harrison huddles the girls up for a pep talk. He goes over the rules for the show we’ve all seen four hundred times. The man is useless. I wonder which girl didn’t know roses were handed out or that they should use their time with Ben wisely. Chris tells the girls that Ben has some amazing stuff lined up because Ben is the one who pays for and plans everything.

ABC is laying it on thick with the Courtney angle. More girls are talking about Courtney than Ben. At this point, Courtney is not only a shoe-in for ‘Bachelor Pad’ and a future ‘Bachelorette’, she’s headed for her own Good Morning America segment where she teaches people how to act awful.

Nicki gets the first 1-on-1 date. They get ON A HELICOpter!!! I know, even I’m getting numb to the helicopter thing. Only three exclamation points.

Ben says, “Nicki was married before and is now divorced. That was pretty serious to her”.

They land so Ben can speak Spanish and buy dirty ice in a cup. Then, it starts pouring. It’s seriously raining. I was getting nervous. I’ve never seen so much rain. I’m like, “Their date is ruined”. But, wait! Nicki has it all in perspective. She doesn’t let rain ruin her fake love for Ben. She even says it. She says, “Nothing can rain on this parade”. Said parade involved the two walking around and carrying their shoes so they can talk about how it’s fun even though it’s raining. Parades kind of suck.

They buy clothes for each other. I don’t even have a hockey game to turn to.

Nicki says, “Ben is muy, muy, muy, MUY, caliente.” I don’t speak Spanish. I think it means, “I want my baby back baby back baby back… ribs.” And, yes, the 4th ‘muy’ was capitalized.

They walk by a romantic wedding and then sit on a bench in their Puerto Rican clothes to watch the wedding. ABC doesn’t blur out the faces of the family from the wedding. I think that means Bachelor interns had to run around and get them all sign waivers so they could legally show them on T.V.
Seeing a wedding makes Nicki think that Ben would be a good guy to marry. I just really wish this show wasn’t a thing that existed.

ABC runs a promo before the commercial with the Bachelor phone # that basically says, “Hey America! Want to marry that Emily girl? Call this number!”

We’re back from break and Ben and Nicki are talking about her divorce. There are a lot of words. Ben wants to make sure Nicki isn’t damaged goods. Nicki seems nice. I don’t hate her yet. If you’re new to my recaps, that’s the nicest thing I could possibly say about a Bachelor or Bachelorette contestant.

Back at the hotel room, the rest of the girls are complaining. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely is upset that she’s not going on a 4th 1-on-1 date. That’s super selfish. She’s selfish. She’s still sad, though… selfish or not. Blakely is not afraid to ‘Super’pretend like she’s in love.

We’re jumping back to the beach for Ben and Nicki talking. Keep up! Ben talks about how much Nicki has opened up as they talked about rain, clothes and divorce. She gets a rose. Then, they make out.

The next day, Ben takes a bunch of the girls to play baseball in Puerto Rico. Ben says that baseball is huge in Puerto Rico. They play at Roberto Clemente stadium. Sports quota filled. The girls even take a bus to the game. It’s super baseball authentic. They’re playing baseball.

Some coaches of the local Gigantes teach them how to run, hit and catch with their chests showing. Just as it’s getting really good, Chris Harrison shows up with a Bull Horn to ruin the fun. He drops a bomb. They’re gonna split the girls up into 2 teams to play a game of baseball. The winning team gets to go to a Beach Party with Ben. The losing team goes back to their hotel room to complain about Courtney. One girl is chosen by Ben to play for both teams… which means she automatically gets to win and go to the party. He chooses Horse Girl. Are you even following this? I’m not. I’m not feeling well. Who the hell are the Gigantes?

The baseball game is 2 innings of intensity. It’s Blue vs. Red. It’s almost as heated a rivalry as Team Chara V. Team Alfredsson. As Casey S. says, “It’s crazy competitive”. Casey S. says the word ‘crazy’ too much. She should use the word ‘super’ like I do. It’s super better.

I know 4-on-4 baseball with mostly attractive women in very little clothes sounds fun. It’s not. Just throw the fundamentals out the window. Fundamentals are not used. Tom Emanski and Fred McGriff are probably sitting on a couch wearing Mesh baseball caps and just shaking their heads in disgust. I will say that Casey B. looks good with eye black. I’m into the eye black thing. I’m not sure what that means about me.

Ben is in full Gigante uniform and he handles the pitching. If you’re Ben, you have to hit one of these women with a pitch to force them to charge the mound so you can make out with them. He does not. What. An. Idiot.

So 2 innings is not enough baseball. It’s tied and they go to extra innings. We already know Courtney’s team wins because we’ve seen the promo tease of her skinny dipping 12 times at this point. It kind of takes the drama out of it, which is ironic because Courtney was hired by the producers to add drama.

I notice that a P.A. announcer is used to let the audience of zero know who is coming to bat. It sullies the profession.Courtney’s team wins 10-9. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely is super sad about losing. She cries because she wants more time with Ben. Then, the three other girls on her team cry so it’s 4 girls sitting in a dugout, crying and now I’m crying and everyone is crying.

Courtney tells the camera to tell the girls on the losing team to stop crying.Ben takes the winning team to a Beach to drink and make out. There has still been zero skinny dipping. I’m getting impatient.

With a need for content, ABC is sure to show us more of the losing team. Now, they’re crying on a bus ride home. I’m torn because they’re pathetic… but they’re all wearing eye black and now I’m super into eye black and wondering how I’m going to convince my wife to wear eye black. I’m going to have to get creative and trick her into wearing it. “Honey, it is super sunny out. Put this on”. Or “Hey Angel, this stuff I’m rubbing into your eyes is a Soy/Kelp mixture that you eat through your face”. I’ll have to work on it.

We’re back to the Beach party. Keep up! Ben is basically just sitting on benches and talking to girls. He’s not even really making out. It’s boring. It’s the worst Beach Party I’ve ever seen. The invitation to this Beach Party must be littered with Grave Stones. The girls do mention how much fun they’re having.

Ben gives Kasey B. the rose as Producers play the Kasey B. soft music-soundtrack. Then, they make out. Finally!

Courtney tells the camera that Kasey B. is only 24 and doesn’t deserve a rose, which makes sense. She spends 5 minutes saying mean things. Courtney is turning it up a notch. If she were a food processor she would be switched from ‘apples and peaches’ to ‘potatoes’. But Courtney is not a food processor. Courtney is a paid actress, paid to be evil and stir up drama and make women cry. Keep up!

Courtney takes Ben away to walk on the beach. They stop to kiss and ABC has to blur out her sideboob. I think we’re about to get skinny dipping. We’re close. I can almost smell the skinny.We go to commercial with the tease of skinny dipping but no skinny dipping. This show is just the worst.

It’s the next day and Elise has 1-on-1. The date card says they’re going somewhere private dot dot dot. Ashley H. should be expecting a royalty check. I don’t remember seeing Elise to this point in the season. She’s crying about finding love before her date with Ben even starts. That’s a good psychological place to be in before heading out with a guy you’ve known for 4 minutes.

Elise and Ben get to go on a yacht. Ben says that the last time he was on a boat, he fell in love with Ashley H. That seems like the kind of thing that would traumatize a guy to never wanting to go on a boat again like the Truman show.

Elise tells Ben how much she gave up in order to go on her quest for love. She left her job as a personal trainer and missed her friend’s wedding. Ben waits until she’s done talking and suggests they jump off of the side of the boat. Luckily, ABC has underwater cameras so we can see their abs. They get back on the boat and jump off again. Then, they go to commercial. This is not a very good episode.

Elise and Ben eat on T.V. when we get back. There are candles everywhere. This show is single handedly keeping candle makers in business. Elise tells Ben that she’s accomplished everything she needed to accomplish as a single girl. I’m guessing that means that she either lost a tooth drinking or she acquired a venereal disease. Look, I don’t know. They’re talking about their lives and I’m just trying not to listen. Ben isn’t really into Elise. You can tell. Plus, the music gets somber and lets you know that he’s about to dump her. He grabs the rose and they’re both unhappy and then, he dumps her. He’s not into her. She should have left her eye black on. Maybe he didn’t like the way she jumps off of yachts. They do not skinny dip. This is the most disastrous episode in Bachelor history. They even torture us with the footage of Ben walking Elise to her limo while she cries and asks what she did wrong.

I think, when I’m dumped by my wife, I’m not going to ask what I did wrong. The question answers itself.

I was wrong about the limo. They don’t shove Elise into a limo. They stick her on a 2-foot inner tube with a motor. That’s the best they could do, a motorized inner tube. She’s just puttering into the moonlight and bawling her eyes out on an inner tube. Then, they play half of a sad song with drawn out shots of Elise crying on her inner tube. It’s endless pain. They have no content. I hate this show.

During the commercial, I ask my wife what she thinks of eye black. She doesn’t answer.

Back at the hotel, the girls yell “Shut Up!” when the guys come to take away Elise’s bags because she got dumped. Courtney earns her money by saying awful things about Elise to the girls. They act shocked. These girls must sign some sort of blood contract, promising they won’t punch anyone while on the show because, in the real world, Courtney would have a constant flow of blood exiting her nose.

Courtney breaks rules by sneaking out to meet Ben on his way home. She brings alcohol and a couple of camera men to entice him to skinny dip and have sex. I’m so sick of being teased by the skinny dipping that I don’t even want it anymore. I don’t even care.

Courtney comes across as mighty desperate while telling Ben that they can have sex in the ocean. I would feel bad if she wasn’t acting. They take off their clothes and run into whatever ocean Puerto Rico is near.

Courtney says, “Game Over, ladies or Game on”. She needs better writers. She talks in poorly constructed clichés. It’s like reading off Ratt lyrics.

During the commercial, we see an ad for Disney’s ‘Treasure Buddies’. I start to hyperventilate and need to breathe into a paper bag.

The Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony is next. Ben and Jennifer take some time to be alone. They talk about how good it is to talk to each other and then they make out. VIP waitress Blakely is next for some time alone. She tells Ben that she didn’t think she would ever meet a guy like Ben. She stops short of saying she loves Ben, but it is close. Blakely is pulling out all stops. They make out and good for her. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely earned that make out session.

A couple of other girls pull Ben aside to make out. Courtney stirs crap up by bringing up the subject of skinny dipping. They start to talk about how cool skinny dipping is and she says that she would like to skinny dip in Puerto Rico with Ben and it’s pathetic.

Emily gets Ben alone and apologizes for complaining about Courtney. She then complains about Courtney. She’s gone. Emily admits she screwed up and cries to the camera and there is just snot everywhere. I’m so much more a fan of eye black than snot. ABC has an endless supply of candles and helicopters but no tissue.

Did Twisted Sister really sell the rights to “I want to rock” for Wife Swap promos that scream “I want to Swap”? Is that Twisted Sister singing “I want to Swap”? Is nothing sacred? Did I just ask about the sanctity of a Twisted Sister song? Is there a point to this endless stream of questions?

The Rose Ceremony is next. We find out how much more Emily is going to cry and snot before being sent home. Someone might pass out. Horse girl really has the ‘pick me’ head tilt thing down to a science. She gets the first rose. How could you not ‘rose’ that girl with a head title like that? My computer doesn’t think ‘rose’ is a verb. How many of these have I written? What happened to Artificial Intelligence? Who are the Gigantes?

We’re down to the last rose and HOLY CRAP EMILY GOT A ROSE! The red head chick that has already made out with Ben a hundred times is sent home. She takes it really well. She does not ask Ben what she did wrong. That’s what she did right. She does cry and snot plenty in that limo. There are crying jags. I hit the info button and see that there are still 5 minutes left in the show. With 2 minutes to preview next week, I know I’m in for a solid 3 minutes of red head crying. It’s bad. She makes a squeak sound while pouring her heart out. It sounds like someone is trying to suffocate a mouse. I look to everything else in my living room but the T.V.

Next week, Ben takes his girls to Panama City, home of malaria. We’re shown that there will be a butt-ton of crying next week. Someone close to someone dies. That much is clear. I bring up the eye black thing with my wife again and she changes the subject and asks what the hell ever happened to nurse girl. We rewind the rose ceremony and see her there. She gets a rose. She’s still here but she didn’t say a word the entire episode. I haven’t heard her speak since week 1. During the credits, Ben and Elise take a bath in chocolate.

With the show over and 15 minutes remaining, they show the end of a Gigantes game. Its starts to rain but they keep playing. Nothing can rain on this parade.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Bachelor Recap- I Almost Just Want to Rip Her Head Off and Verbally Assault Her

Things are getting serious on everyone’s favorite television show. Ben has just over a dozen girlfriends remaining and he has to marry one. It’s anyone’s game at this point. The favorites in the Bauch house are Kacie B., the horse girl, that blonde with the thing and the nurse who I thought they kicked off but it just turns out that she kind of looked like a girl they kicked off.

With all of Ben’s hometowns in the rearview mirror, the fun bunch sets sail for Park City, Utah. Kacie B. says it best, “It’s the perfect place to fall in love.” My idiot wife and I got it all wrong. We were nowhere near Park City Utah. We were on the dance floor at the Well on Hertel.

Ben thinks about his relationships IN A HELICOPTER! The girls jump on a stupid plane and act excited to be going to Utah. Ben promises the dates to be “outdoorsy and awesome”. Vocabulary update: My computer has no problems with ‘outdoorsy’. It got behind the velvet rope and into the English language party. It’s a word. Go ahead and use ‘outdoorsy’ in your Words with Friends games.

Rachel gets the first 1-on-1 date. My wife says, “She sounds like a man”. I have Rachel down as one of the more attractive contestants. I like that ‘Kodiak’ voice. Kacie B. has fallen in love pretty fast. She’s crying about not getting a 1-on-1 date and is so upset that she has to stop the interview to lean off camera. It’s super emotional.

Utah looks pretty beautiful. There are a ton of trees. It should have gone higher in the WGR 550 State Draft. To get to know each other more, the couple heads out on a canoe. The 40 trillion bugs flying around them makes for a quaint romantic setting. They make out in the middle of the lake and I’m quite certain there are bugs mating in their larynxes. I wasn’t sure of the plural form of larynx, but my computer did, so we’re covered there. Rachel and Ben talk a lot about how well the date was going and how romantic it is and how nice things are in Utah.

It’s boring. Ben isn’t feeling Rachel. She’s blowing it. She just can’t seem to open up with a guy holding a camera floating along next to her canoe, broadcasting the intimate moments of her personal date with a boyfriend she’s known for 2 days and is sharing with 15 other women. Some women are so closed down its ridiculous.

They keep showing the moon.

Ben and Rachel eat food on T.V. to spice things up. They’re eating, but you never really see much food being consumed. I couldn’t be the Bachelor. I eat like an engineer shoveling coal into a train engine. Ben is begging Rachel to talk more. She tells him that she has a problem talking. It’s a relationship breakthrough. ABC changes the music to let us know that we’re supposed to like Rachel now. Ben gives her a rose. They’re friends now, but they’ll be rubbing abs in a hot tub soon. I can tell these things.

With the rose out of the way, they go out by the fire to eat S’mores and make out, no doubt smearing marshmallow all over each other’s faces.
Back at the hotel the rest of the girls are getting ready for the group date. Courtney, the paid actress, paid to be on the show to stir things up, is already talking up how nasty she’s going to be to the other girls. The other girls are getting mad. It’s dramatic. The kids head out with Ben to go fishing. I keep my fingers crossed, hoping that ABC will make them clean and gut the fish, but I’m sure they’ll have interns to do all of the messy work.

Ben picks them up on a horse and he’s super dreamy. They make him ride the horse across a river. Horse girl makes a noise. Ben says their date is going to be “rad”. I haven’t heard that word in a couple of decades. One of the contestants smartly points out, “Watch out for poo.” I wish someone told me that before I started watching this show.

ABC provides the girls with waders and rods for some fly fishin’. I left off the ‘g’ on purpose. The girls don’t look like they’re trying too hard. Everyone has dropped their fishing poles and they’re holding beer mugs. They’re supposed to be catching their lunch and there’s a chance that they might all starve to death in Utah.

Courtney, the paid actress, takes Ben to be alone and napalm the group date. She catches a fish and Ben holds it up to her face and she kisses it. I can’t believe this passes for contest on a Network television show. It’s brutal. This show is punishment for the time I pushed Tony Wagner off of his bike to impress my brothers.

Then, they all take off the waders and get dolled up to drink by a pool… ‘cause that’s what you do after fishing. Elyse tells Ben that she has a good time because her boss died young. Then, they make out.

Samantha complains to Ben that she doesn’t like group dates. Ben, very frankly, tells her that she’s being punished with group dates and that he doesn’t really like her. He dumps her, mid-cocktail party. I’ve seen a lot of the Bachelor. That’s a first…or a twelth. I don’t know. Who cares? Samantha is drunk and she got dumped. It happens. It doesn’t stop her from crying like she’s at a Dick Vermeil press conference. (Sports quota filled)

After shoving Samantha into a limo, Ben goes back to the rest of the girls and warns them that he’s not messing around. You will be dumped if you complain to me. I like this zero-tolerance attitude.

Ben takes Kacie B. to a hotel room because, why not? They make out on a couch.

Then, they have this exchange:

“I like this.”

“I definitely like this.”

“This is nice.”

“This is perfect.”

“I’m glad you’re feeling good about this.”

“It’s nice.”

No wonder he was mad at Rachel for not opening up.

Courtney, the paid actress, pulls Ben aside to make out and complain about the other girls bringing her down even though she’s purposely acting awful toward them to agitate and instigate. Ben makes it up to her by giving her a rose. This makes all of the other girls super happy. Courtney is evil, but it’s annoying because she’s not a very good actress. She’s very obvious. I get angry at the other girls for falling for her act. I shout at them, “Don’t fall for it! She’s not even interested in Ben! She’s just furthering her career so her agent can get her into more Commercials for Yogurt and Herpes Prescription Medications… and maybe a direct-to-air Lifetime Movie Network movie about a woman who rises above an oppressive male or seductive evil temptress out to destroy her life and marriage… in which case Courtney would play the seductive evil temptress!” and my wife is all, “Stop yelling at the T.V., I can’t hear Kacie B. being mad!”

Jennifer gets the next 1-on-1 date. Courtney says, “I predict, I don’t know if Jennifer will get a rose tonight.” That’s not a prediction, Courtney. Stick to unconvincing acting.

Ben and Jen (OMG!) go hiking and then trespass into Private Property to repel themselves down into a crater. Stop re-reading sentences. Try to keep up.

Jen says, “I don’t repel a lot into craters in Oklahoma.” She must have read my yearbook quote. Ben and Jen (OMG!) strip out of their clothes to repel into the crater. It all makes sense.

The Bachelor once again shows us that you can’t fall in love with someone until you’ve risked your life with them on the end of a nylon rope. They fall into the crater. There’s water on the bottom of the crater and they make out. Jen admits that she’s falling in love with Ben. I yell at the T.V., “Of course they’re falling in love! They just repelled down a crater!” My wife watches the rest of the Bachelor in the other room. I don’t think it’s going to last. We didn’t fall in love in Utah and we never repel down anything.

Ben and Jen (OMG!) eat on T.V. Jen tells Ben about her past relationships and we get to hear all about it. Then it rains, which would be such a drag but this is the Bachelor and its super romantic. They make out. Ben gives Jen a rose and I yell at the T.V., “Of course she gets a rose, they repelled into a crater!” They make out. Then, they go to a Clay Walker concert happening 30-feet away in an amphitheater. At least ABC grabs 100 bodies to also attend the concert so it’s not just 2 people making out in front of Clay Walker. There is the awkward element of these random girls watching them dance and make out.

The cocktail party/Rose Ceremony is next. Alcohol consumption is tripled. There is a lot of complaining about Courtney. Every season, one of the contestants pulls the Bachelor/Bachelorette aside to tell on the person who acts mean to the rest of the contestants. This year, Emily is the tattle tale. She tells Ben that Courtney is evil. Ben says that he sees Courtney being evil and it’s no big deal.
I read into this that Ben knows Courtney is a plant and basically told Emily to relax and ignore Courtney so she doesn’t sabotage her own chances.

Have fun with that last paragraph. I’m not even going to proof-read it. It is what it is. I hate this show.

Courtney finds out about what Emily says and gets angry. Alert! Quote of the century from Courtney, “I’m a nice person. Don’t *bleep* with me. I almost just want to rip her head off and verbally assault her. I seriously want to shave her eyebrows off.”
I love that quote so much. It almost makes up for her poor acting and lack of soul.

The girls are sitting on a couch drinking because that’s what you do when you’re on the Bachelor. Courtney kicks things up a notch by confronting Emily about her back-stabbing. It’s dramatic. I’m prepared to see a fight. Courtney is trying to act awful. Emily is trying not to cry. Luckily Ben breaks up the fight by signaling the start of the Rose Ceremony. Emily thinks she’s going home. That’s what you get for trying to chase away a woman paid to be on the show.

Monica is the only girl to not get a rose because Ben already dumped the drunk girl. They play it out by giving Emily the last rose. We all knew Emily wasn’t going anywhere. ABC has gold with future weeks of Courtney and Emily fighting. I'm hoping it gets physical and ABC shows the shirt grabbing and neck biting in slow motion. If you girls out there want to attract more men, fight with other women. Make sure that they’re actressy models.

Ben announces that they’re going to Puerto Rico and the girls scream and then Courtney says, “I was there two weeks ago”.

Next week, Courtney and Emily fight in Puerto Rico. That’s called a tease. I want you to read my recap next week, so I teased what you’ll be reading about. Did it work? Did I tease you? Are you teased?

Attention Canadian Readers: Bachelor sources have informed me that there is a Canadian version of the Bachelor coming soon. They’re plugging it as such: “So Canadians can find true love too!” I’m so happy for Canada, although I worry about the prospects of producers finding nasty Canadian people. I have yet to meet a Canadian with enough venom to stir up a Cocktail party, maybe if special points are given for leaving empty shoe boxes and bags in the Kohl’s parking lot so they don’t have to claim their purchases at Customs. I’m hoping that Canadian Bachelor can be just as good as Canadian Idol and the Canadian Football League.

During the credits, they show footage of Chris Harrison sneaking onto that Private Property lot at night and throwing old tires into the crater. He’s discovered by Park City authorities and arrested and fined.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Bachelor Recap- On a Scale of 1-to-10, I Think I'm Gonna Throw Up

Tonight, our Bachelor Television audience is carried away to Ben’s hometown of San Francisco. This will be so much better than our trip to Ben’s hometown of Sonoma. Ben doesn’t mess around. He does everything in multitude; 25 girlfriends and 2 hometowns. Ben probably has a map of the United States in his bedroom with push pins identifying all of his hometowns.

I’m super anxious tonight because ABC is teasing us about Ben’s ex-girlfriend crashing the show and it’s just not fair. I’m trying not to freak out and just relax and watch the show but, it’s hard.

These poor skanks have climbed the morally-bankrupt ladder to get on this trainwreck of a show and pretend like they’re in love with a man they hardly know. You can’t just throw some new chick into the mix just to stir up the pot. This new chick hasn’t earned her stripes.

I’m getting ahead of myself. We’ve got a Bachelor episode to recap.

Ben has a sister and ABC decides it’s a good idea to put her on camera to start the show. Ben says, “She knows me better than anyone on this planet.” Ben would know. Actually, more accurately, Ben’s sister would know. She knows Ben better than anyone on this planet.

Ben talks to his sister about some of the girls that stand out. When describing the horse girl, he makes a horse hoof ‘clomping’ noise. It’s actually pretty good. I’m impressed.

The hookers settle into their hotel room to wait for the date cards and get busy hating each other. It’s a 12 second clip. I wonder about the hours of footage they leave on the cutting room floor, hours and hours of video of these soulless tramps sitting around and making nasty facial expressions. I’m sure I’ll get to watch it all in hell.

Emily the PhD student gets the first 1-on-1 date. She’s cute. Emily is afraid of heights. She mentions, before her date that she’s afraid of heights and how she hopes they aren’t doing anything high up. I guess she’ll be the one climbing the Bay Bridge. You know those Bachelor Producers, if you have a phobia or dead loved one, they’ll milk that drama dry. I’d like to be a contestant on the Bachelor and tell them how afraid I am of getting free tickets to Pittsburgh Pirate games.

Emily finds out that she has to climb a bridge and she freaks out. “Some people have nightmares about spiders. Some people have nightmares about being murdered. I have nightmares about falling off of very high things.”Ben and Emily begin their ascension up the cables of a 6,000 foot bridge. It’s a great way to get to know someone. My parents have been married for 51 years. I keep telling them that they’ll never make it to 52 if they don’t climb a bridge together. They’re idiots. I’m doomed to be a product of a broken home.

The girls back at the hotel room have a telescope. In an amazing stroke of luck, they point the telescope right on Ben and Emily climbing the bridge. The odds of this happening were probably improved by Bachelor producers planting the telescope there and telling the girls exactly what time to look through it and where to point.

Back on the bridge, Emily freaks out because she’s afraid, so Ben makes out with her. Emily is no longer afraid of heights and draws a metaphor between heights and relationships. It all makes sense now. Love is like a 6,000 (estimated) foot climb up the cables of a bridge. It’s scary and any misstep could lead to a big fall.

If Emily slipped and fell into the Bay, would Ben have been required to give her a ceremonial rose? It would suck to be a girl that gets sent home over a dead girl. Luckily, Emily survived.

Then, they eat food on T.V.

Ben gives Emily a rose. He tells her that she gets the rose because she climbed a bridge and is smart. Then, they make out. Then, ABC brings out the fireworks….fireworks. The fireworks are blown off from a barge on the Bay. I’m assuming there is a guy with a walkie- talkie that watches Ben and Emily make out and then buzzes down to the barge to cue the fireworks.

If Emily blew it and didn’t get a rose, would they just waste the fireworks? I need to know these things.

The group date is next. Ben takes 38 girls snow-skiing. They all drive there in a car commercial. The girls make sure they say the name brand of the car and point out some cool features. I feel dirty. ABC borrows that liquid nitrogen machine from that ice cream place in the mall and freezes a portion of San Francisco. Ben says it was his life-long dream to freeze a portion of San Francisco. I know I make a lot of stuff up, but Ben really says that. Everyone takes off their clothes and they put on skis. I don’t know how one acquires the insight and clairvoyance to pack a bathing suit and hockey socks for a ski trip in downtown San Francisco, but these girls have proven their mettle.

They cap the night off by drinking at some place with a bunch of lanterns. You know the place. Ben is a perfect gentleman and makes out with each and every one of the girls at the party. He doesn’t even wait for them to finish talking. They’ll be mid-sentence and he just dives in for the kill.

Kacie B. seems really drunk. She spells her name K-A-C-I-E. I’m surprised she doesn’t spell ‘B’ wrong.

Grandma girl gets the other 1-on-1 date. After she gets the news, she cries and leaves the show. She says her heart wasn’t in it. I think it’s because she was afraid ABC was going to make her fight a mountain lion and she has a mountain lion phobia.

Grandma girl crashes the group-date cocktail hour to cry and tell Ben that she’s leaving. Ben takes it well by not reacting at all. The whole thing is fishy. Grandma girl leaves. Ben’s ex-girlfriend is coming back.

It’s a bit too convenient. Did ABC scramble to fill the Grandma girl void, or was Grandma girl a plant all along to set up the ex-girlfriend plot? As the cop with the moustache said in the movie ‘The Fugitive’, “Hinky”.

When we come back from commercial, we get to see Ben shaving. If you’re not watching the show, you need to know that they show people shaving.

Because Grandma girl gave up the 1-on-1, they give it to Horse girl. Horse girl has really long legs and her real name is ‘Lindzi’. They hit up the night life, eat ice cream, and ride the trolley. Horse Girl and Ben unlock San Francisco City Hall. Horse girl remarks how amazing Ben is for having a key to the San Francisco City Hall. I get mad that I never met girls this stupid when I was …sniff... a Bachelor. Horse girl says the word ‘magical’ a thousand times and is already in love with Ben.

They head inside City Hall for a private concert from Matt Nathanson. So, for all of the hard work Matt Nathanson and his band have done, they get to play for two people who make out through the entire performance. When they’re done making out in front of Matt Nathanson, they make out in a Piano store. Ben’s tongue must be exhausted.

Horse Girl is always smiling and she nods a lot. I feel like you could read her the ingredients of ketchup and she’d nod the whole time and then tell you how magical ketchup is.

Then, they go to a bar to make ou… is this is boring to read as it is to write? I feel like I’m torturing you people. You’re nice enough to read my recap, and all I can give you is drivel.

Horse girl’s ex-boyfriend broke up with her by sending her a text of a Homer Simpson quote. I’m sure Horse Girl read the text while nodding her head and then told the person next to her how magical texting is.

The pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party comes next. ABC makes sure we know that some girl is coming onto the show to stir bleep up. Ben makes out with Jennifer. She declares she’s falling in love with the guy she’s known for 3 minutes. To be fair, she has kissed him twice.

The paid actress, Courtney, gets 5 minutes of face time to say awful things about the girls to make sure there’s plenty of drama to go around. Emily thinks she has a personality problem. Emily has a PhD, but hasn’t figured out that the Bachelor is scripted. Courtney and Ben get a moment alone to make out. She may be a fake contestant, but that doesn’t mean Ben doesn’t get to make out with her. I’m not sure there are many girls left in Ben’s hometown of San Francisco that Ben hasn’t made out with tonight.

The party-crasher girl who comes on the show to wreck things is Shawntel. Shawntel is the funeral director girl who was a contestant on the Bachelor a year ago. I was a big fan of hers… but this little stunt is embarrassing, even by Bachelor standards.

Apparently, Shawntel and Ben have made out in the past and she wants to marry him. Ben is surprised to see her. The rest of the girls want to stab her with an ice pick and throw her off of the Bay Bridge. Ben and Shawntel sit on a couch to talk while the rest of the girls circle around and swear. Shawntel wants in on the Rose Ceremony. She leaves it up to Ben to decide.

Ben needs to think it over and has Shawntel stand alone in the room with his girlfriends to explain things. Shawntel says that she called up Chris Harrison to get onto Ben’s season. I love how much credit is given to Chris Harrison, like he’s the Nick Saban of the Bachelor and decides who comes and goes. (That’s 2 straight recaps that mention Nick Saban, by the way. I’m excellent at this.) Chris Harrison chats with Bachelors and lets everyone know when there’s 1 rose left. That’s all he does.

Anyways, Ben’s girlfriends are super pissed and yell at Shawntel. They’re all extra drunk, by design. Uggghh, the grouper-woman seems most pissed. She looks like a grouper. Courtney, the actress, is not a very good actress. She acts like she’s pissed and pretends to cry but it is not convincing. She’s not even drunk.

Ben decides Shawntel can stay for the Rose Ceremony. The girls who threatened to leave the show if Shawntel is allowed to stay for the Rose Ceremony have their bluff called and do not leave, including the paid actress who refers to Shawntel as ‘Whats-her-butt’.

For the record, Shawntel is super hot.

My wife points out how drunk Samantha is. She can’t even stand up straight through the Cocktail party and rose ceremony.

Usually, during the Rose Ceremony, the girls look at the Bachelor and plead with their eyes to be allowed to stay. For this ceremony, everyone is just looking at Shawntel with hate. There is a ton of crying and skillful mascara make-up finger wipes.

”On a scale of 1-to-10, I think I’m gonna throw up.”- quote of the night from Ugghh the grouper.

1-by-1 Ben hands out roses while building up the drama as to whether or not Shawntel gets to stay.

They drag out the final rose so Erika can pass out. It’s a weird sequence. Erika is kind of fading while they’re handing out roses. Chris Harrison makes his announcement on the final rose. Ben pauses the game to say a few words. It’s almost like he’s stalling and looking at Erika to pass out. Erika doesn’t even totally pass out. She kind of falls to one knee and says she’s gonna pass out, but she doesn’t pass out. She kind of just Tebows. My computer doesn’t recognize ‘Tebowing’ as a word yet. How 2011 of it.

The Rose Ceremony resumes after they give Erika some water. Ben finishes his speech and decides to give the rose to no one. Erika passes out again. They just put these poor girls through so much; truckloads of alcohol, paid actresses, Matt Nathanson concerts and, now, fake contestants.

So, Erika, Ugghhh and Shawntel are sent home.

Ben now has 3 less women to make out with; 4 if you count Shawntel. I would have definitely made out with Shawntel on her way out. At this point, what standards are you upholding? So what if you dumped her, make out with her. I would use my Bachelor powers to bring back Shawntel each week to make out. I want her to exhume my corpse. That’s a metaphor.

Erika makes it another 2 minutes without passing out but they don’t let her cry into the camera with a farewell speech. They don’t let Ugghhh cry into the camera either. I’m grateful. She’s hideous. I’ve had wounds scab over and still look better than her.

Ben announces that they’re all going to Park City Utah and the girls all scream like they’ve just been told they’re going somewhere they’ve heard of.

As the credits roll, they show Erika showing Ben the tattoo inside of her lip. It says ‘Amore’. She’ll never find Amore on the inside of her lip. That’s a metaphor.

The promo for next week’s show tells us that the entire cast of ABC’s hit show Castle will crash the next Rose Ceremony to ask Ben to marry them. It looks super dramatic. I don’t think I can take it.
I hate this show.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Bachelor Recap- Showing Your Chest to Children

This week’s episode of the Bachelor takes us to Ben Groban’s hometown of Sonoma. Ben’s hometown is Sonoma. The Bachelor, Ben, is from Sonoma. They go to Sonoma, the hometown of Ben… which happens to be… Sonoma.

Episode 2 of the season is important. The girls are still naïve to the game and might still get drunk enough to do something horrifically embarrassing. Many of them will panic and pretend like they’re starting to like Ben. The word ‘connection’ will be thrown around. Ben will stand in a field with immaculate natural lighting to think about his 15 girlfriends and his family. It’s intense.

A soundbite by Ben teases that, “I had no idea that things had gotten this bad, this early.”

I did, Ben. I did.

The girls take a plane to Sonoma, not a helicopter. (Hashtag RipOff!) Ben hops in a jeep and drives by grapevines while talking about his dead father.
“Ben looks amazing in his dressed-down, Sonomafied version of himself.” Remarks a member of his harem.

My idiot computer underlined ‘Sonomafied’ in a red squiggly line, trying to tell me it’s not a word. What a bunch of idiots at Hewlitt Packard.

Casey B. gets the first date. My wife drops a bomb by declaring, “I like her. I think they make a good couple.” That sound you hear is Las Vegas scrambling to adjust their odds. Casey B. has a southern accent. Points. Southern accents might be more important with women than they are with Football G.M.’s.

“Ben brings out things in me that I haven’t been in touch with for a long time.” Casey B. is swinging for the fences.

They go to the Dollar Store and buy a baton. On another channel, LSU is playing Alabama for the College Football National Championship. After twirling a baton, Casey talks about how well their date is going. Then, they eat on T.V.

Ben talks about how in love his parents were because they fought all of the time. Ben gives Casey a rose after getting way too emotional about their first 38 minutes together. If he weren’t the Bachelor and they weren’t on T.V., this smokin’ hot girl would be scared off and texting ‘PSYCHO’ to her friends. Instead, it’s cute.

Ben and Casey B. head to a theatre to watch reels of their family videos that were surrendered to the network for sentimental value. Casey is doing gymnastics. I’m sure some poor intern had to suffer through 17 hours of that nightmare footage to get the 12 seconds they used on the final product. There are some quality shots of Ben and his blurred out penis standing on a picnic table. They show Ben’s Dad. Ben’s Dad had died so it’s emotional. Everyone cries. (Yes, I’m everyone.) Then, with the memory of his dead Dad fresh on his mind, they make out in the street.

Casey breaks a Bachelor record by declaring that she’s in love with the Bachelor JUST 1.2 EPISODES IN!!!!!!!!!

The next day, Ben dates a dozen women in Sonoma. They’re in Sonoma. Sonoma. The skanks put on chestless upperwear and their best heels to perform a play in some vineyard or something. ABC brought in a bunch of kids to write Fairytales. The girls have to audition to play the parts. It’s super cute and hilarious guys! I see a bunch of kids, a lot of cleavage and zero parents around.

Back at the mansion, Courtney, a paid actress… paid to be on the show, fulfills her contractual duties by acting awful and stirring things up.

One of the commercials was for that whale movie. Do you guys think that the whales live?

When their done auditioning and the roles are cast, the girls are forced to perform the kids’ play in front of a bunch of people from Sonoma. No one told them that they’d have to perform the play in front of people. Now, it’s all sorts of pressure packed.

The play is half-assed and Ben ends up taking off all of his clothes in front of families and children. This really happened. Then, they all went to a pool to get drunk and take turns making out.

They kept the kids out of the pool party for some reason. It kind of sucks. These kids labor over writing this play and then they aren’t even invited to the after-party.

There are some key moments during the cocktail hour. Blakely, a toothy VIP cocktail waitress, emerges as a villain this episode. The other 40 girls on the date make it clear to the camera that they don’t like her. She has bosoms and she wears earrings that look like those desk toys in psychiatrists’ office that clack back and forth. A bunch of the girls, some ugly, head to a handicap bathroom stall to talk about how much they hate Blakely. I kept hoping a handicapped person would come in to use the bathroom to break up the gaggle.

Back at the mansion, Courtney gets a 1-on-1 date card and rubs it in the other girls’ faces. They get mad, which is good because it’s Courtney’s job to make them mad. It wouldn’t be much of a planned production if the girl that Producers paid to make people angry didn’t make people angry. As it stands, they’re angry so she’s doing her job well.

I know I jump around a lot, but we’re back at the drunken pool party. Ben has his shirt off and he takes the one with red hair to a different pool to be alone. I’d like to paraphrase their conversation if you’ll allow it:
“I’m having such a great time.”
“Me too.”
“I love it here.”
“I love it here too.”
“This place is really awesome.”
“I’m so glad you could be here.”
Then, they make out. Then, Ben makes out with that girl Blakely with the boobs and the teeth while the girl with the red hair watches. It’s awkward… even by Bachelor standards.

There’s some more drinking and a little crying. Ben gives Blakely the group date rose and the rest of the girls think a lot about stabbing her with their heels. The redhead cries to the camera.

I’m sure a bunch of them adjourned to the handicapped stall again, but the Producers must have decided that they had enough footage of that.

The episode is flying by. The next day (Maybe Wednesday? Who knows?) Ben brings his dog ‘Scotchie’ on his 1-on-1 date with Courtney. I hope I spelled Scotchie’s name correctly. You never know on this show. ABC did not provide us with Scotchie’s name, age and occupation. He’s probably a VIP cocktail waitress. The three lovers drive Ben’s jeep to the middle of nowhere.

ABC blurs out Ben’s license plate so women don’t scour California looking for his jeep.

Ben walks into a forest and makes his dog howl and Courtney remarks how much she can see herself with him. I resolve to read more books. It’s 2 solid minutes of Ben howling to his dog. On any other platform, a girl as attractive and spoiled as Courtney doesn’t even say goodbye before walking away. On the Bachelor, you can howl at your dog for 2 minutes and its adorable.

They talk for 4 minutes about how magical a day they’re having. Then they make out. Then, they drive a tractor around in the dark. Then, they eat on T.V.

Courtney is a magnificent actress. She nods at all of the perfect times when Ben talks about his dead Dad. She even holds a look of concern on her face. Courtney has all of the warmth and sincerity of a Math book. Every time she talks, in my mind, I can see her screaming at people. She has definitely thrown dishes at walls. There is no way she is a good person. She’s like Nick Saban. (I flipped over to the game during a commercial break and Nick Saban was up by 6 points. I’m so happy for him.)

Courtney, of course, gets a rose at the end of her 1-on-1 date. There isn’t much suspense when a girl is paid to be on the show and Ben is told to advance her to a certain point so she can make the show more interesting by acting unworldly awful to the other girls.

The Rose Ceremony comes next. Chris Harrison got a haircut. I wonder if he practices tapping on a Champaign glass at home to perfect the art. The girls spend some time to drink alcohol before two of them are sent home.

They act excited to see Ben and then sit on couches to complain about each other. Blakely scores extra 'hate' points by interrupting conversations to steal more time with Ben EVEN THOUGH SHE ALREADY HAS A ROSE!

I don’t want to spend all of my space here commenting on earrings, but Blakely is wearing those squid-like machine creatures from the Matrix on her lobes. I kept waiting for Morpheus to pop the E.M.P. to kill her earrings.

More important than deciding a winner for this Gameshow might be deciding who will be more hated in the end, Courtney or Blakely. Courtney is wickedly evil, but Blakely manages to be evil without reading from a script. The music they play when Blakely talks is hilarious. It’s classic ‘Bad Guy’ music.

Jenna the crazy blogger finally gets a moment with Ben. I can’t believe you’re still reading this. Jenna is not plastered like the first night, but she is nervous and out of her mind. She basically tells Ben that she’s a guy and that she’s not a good girl. In the middle of this tire fire, she’s interrupted by the ugliest girl at the party. I don’t even know the girls name. I call her ‘Uggghhh’ because that’s the sound I make when I see her. She looks like a Grouper.

Jenna goes into one of the bedrooms to lie on a bed and cry. Blakely goes into a room with a bunch of luggage and hides in a corner. Ben is told by Producers to find them.

He gets Blakely from her luggage room. I’m not sure what she’s doing hiding in the corner. I think we’re led to believe that she’s crying because the girls hate her, but she’s not crying. Her eyes are bone dry, there are no ‘Bachelor’ boogers and her make-up isn’t runny. She just needed some more attention.

The most important moment of the show comes when Ben goes into the bedroom to find out why Jenna the blogger is crying. The alarm clock next to the bed says 2:05 a.m. I’ve always wondered how late these Rose Ceremonies run. This is a fantastic revelation. They feed these girls a truckload of alcohol and then keep them awake until 2 in the morning to make sure that there’s as much blood loss as possible.

OSHA needs to step in and do something about this.

Ben finally hands out 13 roses to complete a magical evening. We’re reminded of a bunch of girls ABC has ignored to this point; Grandma girl, a couple of blonde chics I didn’t recognize, the nurse my wife liked on night 1.

Nurse did not get a rose. Neither did Jenna the blogger. Uggghhh did. I made the ‘Uggghhh’ noise.
While nurse chic exited with class, Jenna fires a scattergun into her final time in front of the camera. She does a lot of crying about being lonely and does that thing where she hugs herself. I look over the buttons on my remote control. It’s uncomfortable. She’s not going to like watching that one back. Maybe she’ll blog about it.

We’ve lost two, but there’s still plenty of Bachelor babes left. They tease that they’re taking the party to San Francisco, Ben’s hometown. I thought Sonoma was his hometown? I’ve learned nothing. Also, police accidentally fire shots into the Bachelor mansion and a couple of the girls get hit.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Goodbye Cheese

(I know, all of my posts are about food. Where's your blog?)

I love cheese so much. I had a dream that Russia sent a missile the size of the Sears Tower toward Buffalo (I dream in the 1980’s) and we were all going to die. Instead of longing to spend my last moments with a loved one, I started unwrapping Kraft Singles.

My love for cheese is unhealthy, but more in a Biblical sense than the Surgeon General Sense. Are you even still reading this blog?

I love cheese.

My wife just found out that she’s slightly lactose intolerant, which means she’s ceasing to eat cheese. She’s not forbidding me from eating cheese but, when you eat meals with a person, you tend to take on their dietary habits. If we’re cooking dinner, we’re not going to add a block of cheese and have her shitting fire all night. If the recipe calls for cheese, we find a new recipe.

Now, I can put up having my half-assed opinions on tile color being ignored and holding hands while walking through the mall, but this lack of cheese shit is a fucking travesty. Cheese is a gift from the heavens. I’m basically using the gift receipt that heaven tucked into my gift bag full of cheese and heading back to Target to exchange my cheese for something that tastes 400% less good. Stop re-reading my sentences. The grammar is fine.

I’m 35-years old and I’m never going to play in the NFL. I do have a good 30 years or so of productive cheese eating left in me and I fear I might be wasting it now that New York State is standing at the ready to give half of my shit to this non-lactose breaking down woman I agreed to marry. The priest didn’t say anything about cheese.

I have to store up my cheese-binge opportunities when they present themselves. I find myself carrying fake beards to change identities and maximize Grocery Store 'free cheese' samples. I ask co-workers to bring extra cheese to work. I have fantasies about breaking into Hot Stuff the Buffalo’s car. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning.

There are so many delicious types of cheese on this planet that I may never sample. Cheese is infinite. I went to Wikipedia and searched ‘types of cheese’ and they couldn’t even list them all. They just give you a list of countries and say, “Look, if you want to discover the World’s cheese supply, you’re just going to have to take it land-by-land.” It’s not Wikipedia’s fault. There is just too much cheese. I even pay-pal’d them a dollar because they beg for it every time I go to check NBA Eastern Conference Champions. There’s no way you read this far down.

Some companies make Bacon flavored cheese. I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it. Cheese makes Broccoli taste good. Cheese makes dirt taste good. I’m so lost without cheese.

Richard Marx is the worst thing that ever happened to music but, when you picture his song ‘Wherever You Go’ being about cheese, it really captures the big-hair emotion. I’m singing it right now. I’m singing a Richard Marx song to cheese everywhere. I love you cheese. I love you so much my heart burns, but not in the good way it burns after I’ve eaten too much cheese. It burns with the emptiness of no cheese.

I love cheese.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Bachelor Recap- Did you guys see the promo for Work It???!!!

Here are some quotes from last night’s Season Premiere of the Bachelor to start the recap:
“It is beyond words how awesome it is to be here.”

“I’m at the point of my life where I’m a model.”

“I’m real.”

“Don’t worry about her. You’re squashing that, right?”

“I preach ‘no looking back’ all of the time. That’s what I write in my blog!”

“I love grandmas!”

“I’ve never juggled 25 women, but I’m gonna dive into this experiment, ready for love.”

I know readers are expecting a bunch of hate here, but I’m actually invigorated for a new season of the Bachelor.

Ashley H. is gone. No more hearing Ashley whine. No more seeing Ashley pout. No more reminders that Ashley H. exists. It’s a comforting feeling. I have a renewed energy for recapping the worst show on television. I feel like a 36-year old NHLer coming out of the lockout. (Sports quota filled)

Josh Groban in the new Bachelor. His name is actually Ben Flajnik, but I thought he looked like Josh Groban. He may even look more like Rafael Nadal (Bonus Sports reference)

In order to combat confusion he will be hereby referred to as ‘Ben’.

Last season, Ben asked Ashley H. to marry him and she dumped him on an island or something… look can we just forget about Ashley H.? I hate her. ABC makes sure they recap the moment. Then, they got us ready for the new season by showing footage of Ben steering a boat and sifting through dirt. (Actual ABC filler b-roll content.)

Then, they showed him canoeing without a shirt.

After all of the shirtless footage and soft-music voiceovers, Ben is ready to meet his 25 skanks. Chris Harrison promises this to be the craziest first night in Bachelor history. Harrison is such a tease. Before the limos arrive, ABC rolls out their favorites with video montages. It’s an unfair advantage that gives America an extra 30 seconds to fall in love with certain contestants. It’s also a fast track to the cover of OK magazine. Here are the highlights of some of the girls given the special treatment of the video montage.

Lindsey – rides horses

Amber- Shoots guns. Eats cow balls. Super edgy and desperate. I hate this show.

Kacie – Spells her name wrong. ABC was lucky enough to capture footage of her lying around the house and reading her grandparents’ love letters.

Jamie- Nurse who lost her Dad and had a drug addicted Mom. Overcomes life’s tough issues with perkiness.

Lyndsie- British girl. I have no idea what she said, but I heard enough to hate her. I should email Vegas a thousand dollars to wager that Lyndsie will be around until the Final Four to ensure my torment.

Jenna- Blogger. Did you know that was a job? Can I be a blogger? I blog. I’ll bet she has more than 27 readers. My wife thinks she’s crazy. My wife is good at detecting these things.

Shawn- She’s a Mom and, therefore, will not win. Also, her name is Shawn and she named her son Gavin. Shouldn’t the government regulate these sorts of things?

Nicki- Texan. Whatever.
Nicki was married before. She says, “The next time I get married, it’s going to be forever.” I wish I had that stitched onto a throw pillow.

ABC takes a break to tease the fact that some grandmother on crutches tries to crash the show because she’s in love with Ben. It’s worse than paying a guy to wear a mask. I hate this show… but it’s still much more bearable without … you know who.

Commercial break highlight was the promo for ABC’s new show ‘Work It’. It’s about two guys dressed like girls. It’s like Bosom Buddies except it’s… exactly like Bosom Buddies.

We come back from commercial to see Ben buttoning his pants. It’s a really important feature of the Bachelor. You get to see the Bachelor put on his pants.

After that, we’re ready to roll. Chris Harrison pulls Ben aside to earn his big bucks. It’s the token pre-limo interview. Harrison asks the tough questions. He’s like Channel 2 News. They should give Chris Harrison a red coat.

Ben tells Chris that he doesn’t regret proposing to… what’s her name… because he grew as a person. Sometimes, taking pottery classes or playing paintball can help you grow, but Ben chose getting dumped on television.

Ben also tells Chris that his dead dad is a Hummingbird, I think. I drifted off.

Harrison and his tan get enough camera time and it’s time for the 25 girls to meet their boyfriend. The attention starved girls pull up in their limo. Many girls try gimmicks and puns to make an impression. It gets worse every year.


Elyse was attractive and didn’t embarrass herself.

Jenna, the blogger, made it as uncomfortable as possible. Her craziness shines through early.

Courtney is a smoking hot model who is being paid by the Producers to stir bleep up. If you’re drafting her in your Fantasy League, you’re in luck. She’ll make it 4 weeks minimum.

Some girl sprays Bactene on Ben before kissing him.

Casey was nice, pretty and without brain.

Shira is the Princess of Power… and an actress.

Blakeley is a VIP cocktail waitress. I have no idea what that means or if I correctly spelled her name.

The grandmother part is stupid and a waste of my time. She just showed up to introduce Ben to her hot granddaughter. Then, grandma went inside to get hammered and mingle with the scum of the Earth. It’s going to be really hard to watch later in the season when grandma is sitting next to Ben and her granddaughter grinding abs in a hot tub.

I’m already running out of steam.

Two girls arrive and look exactly the same.

I lost some brain function when Lyndsie, the British Arizonan arrived. There is no way that Lyndsie is really British. She sounds like a bad parody of a British person. She’ll be the reason I finally kill myself.

Then, some blonde chic walked by him without saying ‘Hi’.

They get too many fake blondes for this show. The blondes always end up fighting more.

The last girl is the spunky horse girl who shows up on a horse, of all things. It’s super silly. My wife and I had to pause the show because we were laughing pretty hard. It… it was just really goofy. I wish you could have seen it. Horse girl was cute but, and I apologize to all of the horse girls out there reading this, there is just no way a girl who owns and rides horses is a good person. How do you have any perspective on life? You’re an adult riding around on what every little girl wants. You basically exist to make other girls jealous. You’ve never wanted for anything in your life if you own horses and that makes you unable to relate in my book. I am willing to take this on horse-girl for horse-girl basis, so I don’t want all of you horse-girls out there sending me hate emails about how it’s not your fault and your Dad bought you your horse. Like with all hot women, I’m able to keep an open mind.

With the 25 girls and 1 grandma on board this ship or horrors, it was time to drink way too much alcohol, start fights and pretend like you’re in love.

There are some horrible people in this group. One girl from Kentucky has giant fake boobs and a gaudy hat. Some hooker is wearing a pageant sash. I have to sit through country line dancing and white girl rapping. The rapping lasts 2 solid minutes. A big chunk of me died. Fast forward 40 years to Ben and rap girl, sitting on rockers explaining to their grandkids how grandma won him over with torrid free style beats.

The paid actress makes Ben fall in love with her and then says awful things to the camera to reiterate that she’s an evil bad person in charge of boosting ratings. ABC pays a couple of girls to pretend like they’ve fallen in love and make out on the couch. If you’re new to my recaps, I should let you know that I’m a huge Bachelor conspiracy theorist and assume 90% of the show is now staged.

I can’t tell if Jenna the blogger is super drunk or super crazy, probably a little of both. She’s crying because the fake lesbians want to fight her. I always wonder how these people allow themselves to get that drunk on television in such a short period of time. And, if you’re going to go into the bathroom to cry, turn off your microphone. ABC does such a good job of finding girls who want to stab each other. I’m certain that they have the contestants fill out bubble sheet questionnaires to type their personalities. (I just turned ‘type’ into a verb there. I’m not really sure if you’re allowed to do that but, if you’ve read this far down, I doubt that’s getting you to slap your laptop shut.) The producers then run these bubble sheets through some anti-EHarmony machine to find the opposite of compatibility. This is the proven scientific way to ensure lots of fighting and crying.

Horse girl got the first impression rose, even though she’s from Seattle and rides horses. She’s so happy that her head shakes when she talks. Owning horses will make you ‘head-shaking’ happy.

Next up is the Rose Ceremony. This episode flies by with all of the cleavage and line dancing.

I think it would be hilarious if someone snuck 12 additional roses into the pile, so Ben would hand out roses to all of the girls and still have 2 left over… and Chris Harrison would have no idea what to do with himself.

A lot of girls get roses. Most of them are hideous. I don’t know if it’s the lighting in the Rose Ceremony room, but these girls look like they have plastic for skin. If only I had a sick toy-clown fetish. This show would be 38% more entertaining.

They made sure the fake lesbian and Jenna the drunken blogger both made it through to the next round to ensure plenty of drama for the entire season. Ben is required by contract to allow a select number of girls through. I, of course, have no proof of this but there is no other explanation.

On the bright side, Lyndsie, the British woman, is sent home. I get up and line dance.

The first episode is hard to recap. I’m sure I missed plenty. In the preview of the season to come there is a ton of crying but also A BLEEP-TON OF HELICOPTERS!!!!!!!!!!111!!!!1ELEVENTY!!!!!!! They also make it look like Ben gets dumped at the end. There is zero chance that happens.

I’ve never picked a winner before. My wife likes the nurse chic and she’s pretty good at this sort of thing. I’d pick any girl who spelled her name correctly.

I hope Ben finds love. If he doesn’t I’m gonna be super sad.

After the rose ceremony, they show Ben playing kick ball with a bunch of drunk chics in evening gowns. One of the girls pulls out a gun and everyone is bummed because it ruins the game.