We’re neck deep in a typical season of a bad show. Quotes like that gem are all over the place on the Bachelor and I’m finding it hard to keep up with the fun. Ben has narrowed down his search for love to a dozen or so women. It’s anyone’s game at this point, except society’s. For society, it’s game over or game on. I should probably start this recap.
This week, there will be skinny dipping and what else could possibly matter? I mean, seriously! Skinny dipping! And screw English for ‘I mean, seriously!’ not being a real sentence. None of these are.
Everyone gets a date this week. There will be two 1-on-1’s and a group date.“This week’s really important because I’m halfway through my journey of finding my future wife.”
Ben and his harem head to Puerto Rico, which is Spanish for ‘Door Rich’.
Chris Harrison huddles the girls up for a pep talk. He goes over the rules for the show we’ve all seen four hundred times. The man is useless. I wonder which girl didn’t know roses were handed out or that they should use their time with Ben wisely. Chris tells the girls that Ben has some amazing stuff lined up because Ben is the one who pays for and plans everything.
ABC is laying it on thick with the Courtney angle. More girls are talking about Courtney than Ben. At this point, Courtney is not only a shoe-in for ‘Bachelor Pad’ and a future ‘Bachelorette’, she’s headed for her own Good Morning America segment where she teaches people how to act awful.
Nicki gets the first 1-on-1 date. They get ON A HELICOpter!!! I know, even I’m getting numb to the helicopter thing. Only three exclamation points.
Ben says, “Nicki was married before and is now divorced. That was pretty serious to her”.
They land so Ben can speak Spanish and buy dirty ice in a cup. Then, it starts pouring. It’s seriously raining. I was getting nervous. I’ve never seen so much rain. I’m like, “Their date is ruined”. But, wait! Nicki has it all in perspective. She doesn’t let rain ruin her fake love for Ben. She even says it. She says, “Nothing can rain on this parade”. Said parade involved the two walking around and carrying their shoes so they can talk about how it’s fun even though it’s raining. Parades kind of suck.
They buy clothes for each other. I don’t even have a hockey game to turn to.
Nicki says, “Ben is muy, muy, muy, MUY, caliente.” I don’t speak Spanish. I think it means, “I want my baby back baby back baby back… ribs.” And, yes, the 4th ‘muy’ was capitalized.
They walk by a romantic wedding and then sit on a bench in their Puerto Rican clothes to watch the wedding. ABC doesn’t blur out the faces of the family from the wedding. I think that means Bachelor interns had to run around and get them all sign waivers so they could legally show them on T.V.
Seeing a wedding makes Nicki think that Ben would be a good guy to marry. I just really wish this show wasn’t a thing that existed.
ABC runs a promo before the commercial with the Bachelor phone # that basically says, “Hey America! Want to marry that Emily girl? Call this number!”
We’re back from break and Ben and Nicki are talking about her divorce. There are a lot of words. Ben wants to make sure Nicki isn’t damaged goods. Nicki seems nice. I don’t hate her yet. If you’re new to my recaps, that’s the nicest thing I could possibly say about a Bachelor or Bachelorette contestant.
Back at the hotel room, the rest of the girls are complaining. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely is upset that she’s not going on a 4th 1-on-1 date. That’s super selfish. She’s selfish. She’s still sad, though… selfish or not. Blakely is not afraid to ‘Super’pretend like she’s in love.
We’re jumping back to the beach for Ben and Nicki talking. Keep up! Ben talks about how much Nicki has opened up as they talked about rain, clothes and divorce. She gets a rose. Then, they make out.
The next day, Ben takes a bunch of the girls to play baseball in Puerto Rico. Ben says that baseball is huge in Puerto Rico. They play at Roberto Clemente stadium. Sports quota filled. The girls even take a bus to the game. It’s super baseball authentic. They’re playing baseball.
Some coaches of the local Gigantes teach them how to run, hit and catch with their chests showing. Just as it’s getting really good, Chris Harrison shows up with a Bull Horn to ruin the fun. He drops a bomb. They’re gonna split the girls up into 2 teams to play a game of baseball. The winning team gets to go to a Beach Party with Ben. The losing team goes back to their hotel room to complain about Courtney. One girl is chosen by Ben to play for both teams… which means she automatically gets to win and go to the party. He chooses Horse Girl. Are you even following this? I’m not. I’m not feeling well. Who the hell are the Gigantes?
The baseball game is 2 innings of intensity. It’s Blue vs. Red. It’s almost as heated a rivalry as Team Chara V. Team Alfredsson. As Casey S. says, “It’s crazy competitive”. Casey S. says the word ‘crazy’ too much. She should use the word ‘super’ like I do. It’s super better.
I know 4-on-4 baseball with mostly attractive women in very little clothes sounds fun. It’s not. Just throw the fundamentals out the window. Fundamentals are not used. Tom Emanski and Fred McGriff are probably sitting on a couch wearing Mesh baseball caps and just shaking their heads in disgust. I will say that Casey B. looks good with eye black. I’m into the eye black thing. I’m not sure what that means about me.
Ben is in full Gigante uniform and he handles the pitching. If you’re Ben, you have to hit one of these women with a pitch to force them to charge the mound so you can make out with them. He does not. What. An. Idiot.
So 2 innings is not enough baseball. It’s tied and they go to extra innings. We already know Courtney’s team wins because we’ve seen the promo tease of her skinny dipping 12 times at this point. It kind of takes the drama out of it, which is ironic because Courtney was hired by the producers to add drama.
I notice that a P.A. announcer is used to let the audience of zero know who is coming to bat. It sullies the profession.Courtney’s team wins 10-9. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely is super sad about losing. She cries because she wants more time with Ben. Then, the three other girls on her team cry so it’s 4 girls sitting in a dugout, crying and now I’m crying and everyone is crying.
Courtney tells the camera to tell the girls on the losing team to stop crying.Ben takes the winning team to a Beach to drink and make out. There has still been zero skinny dipping. I’m getting impatient.
With a need for content, ABC is sure to show us more of the losing team. Now, they’re crying on a bus ride home. I’m torn because they’re pathetic… but they’re all wearing eye black and now I’m super into eye black and wondering how I’m going to convince my wife to wear eye black. I’m going to have to get creative and trick her into wearing it. “Honey, it is super sunny out. Put this on”. Or “Hey Angel, this stuff I’m rubbing into your eyes is a Soy/Kelp mixture that you eat through your face”. I’ll have to work on it.
We’re back to the Beach party. Keep up! Ben is basically just sitting on benches and talking to girls. He’s not even really making out. It’s boring. It’s the worst Beach Party I’ve ever seen. The invitation to this Beach Party must be littered with Grave Stones. The girls do mention how much fun they’re having.
Ben gives Kasey B. the rose as Producers play the Kasey B. soft music-soundtrack. Then, they make out. Finally!
Courtney tells the camera that Kasey B. is only 24 and doesn’t deserve a rose, which makes sense. She spends 5 minutes saying mean things. Courtney is turning it up a notch. If she were a food processor she would be switched from ‘apples and peaches’ to ‘potatoes’. But Courtney is not a food processor. Courtney is a paid actress, paid to be evil and stir up drama and make women cry. Keep up!
Courtney takes Ben away to walk on the beach. They stop to kiss and ABC has to blur out her sideboob. I think we’re about to get skinny dipping. We’re close. I can almost smell the skinny.We go to commercial with the tease of skinny dipping but no skinny dipping. This show is just the worst.
It’s the next day and Elise has 1-on-1. The date card says they’re going somewhere private dot dot dot. Ashley H. should be expecting a royalty check. I don’t remember seeing Elise to this point in the season. She’s crying about finding love before her date with Ben even starts. That’s a good psychological place to be in before heading out with a guy you’ve known for 4 minutes.
Elise and Ben get to go on a yacht. Ben says that the last time he was on a boat, he fell in love with Ashley H. That seems like the kind of thing that would traumatize a guy to never wanting to go on a boat again like the Truman show.
Elise tells Ben how much she gave up in order to go on her quest for love. She left her job as a personal trainer and missed her friend’s wedding. Ben waits until she’s done talking and suggests they jump off of the side of the boat. Luckily, ABC has underwater cameras so we can see their abs. They get back on the boat and jump off again. Then, they go to commercial. This is not a very good episode.
Elise and Ben eat on T.V. when we get back. There are candles everywhere. This show is single handedly keeping candle makers in business. Elise tells Ben that she’s accomplished everything she needed to accomplish as a single girl. I’m guessing that means that she either lost a tooth drinking or she acquired a venereal disease. Look, I don’t know. They’re talking about their lives and I’m just trying not to listen. Ben isn’t really into Elise. You can tell. Plus, the music gets somber and lets you know that he’s about to dump her. He grabs the rose and they’re both unhappy and then, he dumps her. He’s not into her. She should have left her eye black on. Maybe he didn’t like the way she jumps off of yachts. They do not skinny dip. This is the most disastrous episode in Bachelor history. They even torture us with the footage of Ben walking Elise to her limo while she cries and asks what she did wrong.
I think, when I’m dumped by my wife, I’m not going to ask what I did wrong. The question answers itself.
I was wrong about the limo. They don’t shove Elise into a limo. They stick her on a 2-foot inner tube with a motor. That’s the best they could do, a motorized inner tube. She’s just puttering into the moonlight and bawling her eyes out on an inner tube. Then, they play half of a sad song with drawn out shots of Elise crying on her inner tube. It’s endless pain. They have no content. I hate this show.
During the commercial, I ask my wife what she thinks of eye black. She doesn’t answer.
Back at the hotel, the girls yell “Shut Up!” when the guys come to take away Elise’s bags because she got dumped. Courtney earns her money by saying awful things about Elise to the girls. They act shocked. These girls must sign some sort of blood contract, promising they won’t punch anyone while on the show because, in the real world, Courtney would have a constant flow of blood exiting her nose.
Courtney breaks rules by sneaking out to meet Ben on his way home. She brings alcohol and a couple of camera men to entice him to skinny dip and have sex. I’m so sick of being teased by the skinny dipping that I don’t even want it anymore. I don’t even care.
Courtney comes across as mighty desperate while telling Ben that they can have sex in the ocean. I would feel bad if she wasn’t acting. They take off their clothes and run into whatever ocean Puerto Rico is near.
Courtney says, “Game Over, ladies or Game on”. She needs better writers. She talks in poorly constructed clichés. It’s like reading off Ratt lyrics.
During the commercial, we see an ad for Disney’s ‘Treasure Buddies’. I start to hyperventilate and need to breathe into a paper bag.
The Cocktail Party before the Rose Ceremony is next. Ben and Jennifer take some time to be alone. They talk about how good it is to talk to each other and then they make out. VIP waitress Blakely is next for some time alone. She tells Ben that she didn’t think she would ever meet a guy like Ben. She stops short of saying she loves Ben, but it is close. Blakely is pulling out all stops. They make out and good for her. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely earned that make out session.
A couple of other girls pull Ben aside to make out. Courtney stirs crap up by bringing up the subject of skinny dipping. They start to talk about how cool skinny dipping is and she says that she would like to skinny dip in Puerto Rico with Ben and it’s pathetic.
Emily gets Ben alone and apologizes for complaining about Courtney. She then complains about Courtney. She’s gone. Emily admits she screwed up and cries to the camera and there is just snot everywhere. I’m so much more a fan of eye black than snot. ABC has an endless supply of candles and helicopters but no tissue.
Did Twisted Sister really sell the rights to “I want to rock” for Wife Swap promos that scream “I want to Swap”? Is that Twisted Sister singing “I want to Swap”? Is nothing sacred? Did I just ask about the sanctity of a Twisted Sister song? Is there a point to this endless stream of questions?
The Rose Ceremony is next. We find out how much more Emily is going to cry and snot before being sent home. Someone might pass out. Horse girl really has the ‘pick me’ head tilt thing down to a science. She gets the first rose. How could you not ‘rose’ that girl with a head title like that? My computer doesn’t think ‘rose’ is a verb. How many of these have I written? What happened to Artificial Intelligence? Who are the Gigantes?
We’re down to the last rose and HOLY CRAP EMILY GOT A ROSE! The red head chick that has already made out with Ben a hundred times is sent home. She takes it really well. She does not ask Ben what she did wrong. That’s what she did right. She does cry and snot plenty in that limo. There are crying jags. I hit the info button and see that there are still 5 minutes left in the show. With 2 minutes to preview next week, I know I’m in for a solid 3 minutes of red head crying. It’s bad. She makes a squeak sound while pouring her heart out. It sounds like someone is trying to suffocate a mouse. I look to everything else in my living room but the T.V.
Next week, Ben takes his girls to Panama City, home of malaria. We’re shown that there will be a butt-ton of crying next week. Someone close to someone dies. That much is clear. I bring up the eye black thing with my wife again and she changes the subject and asks what the hell ever happened to nurse girl. We rewind the rose ceremony and see her there. She gets a rose. She’s still here but she didn’t say a word the entire episode. I haven’t heard her speak since week 1. During the credits, Ben and Elise take a bath in chocolate.
With the show over and 15 minutes remaining, they show the end of a Gigantes game. Its starts to rain but they keep playing. Nothing can rain on this parade.