Monday, March 12, 2012

Bachelor Recap- Oh My Dad! It's Finally Over!

I can’t believe that it is finally over.I’m told that I woke my wife up from a sound sleep 7 times this past week screaming, “Did Ben find love yet?!!”Doctors call it ‘Night Terrors’. I call it the Bachelor.

We’ve had a long, boring, magical, majestic journey this season on the Bachelor. And ABC did us all a solid with a 3-hour finale to make sure we get enough garbage in our system to last through spring. It’ll be 2 hours and 45 minutes of repeat footage, 12 minutes of useless Chris Harrison interviews and 3 minutes of content. I’ve been angry for a week just thinking of it. Why couldn’t the clocks spring forward on Monday, 8 p.m. Eastern, 7 Central? Why don’t any of you ever answer my questions?

When we last left Ben Flajnik he didn’t have a Dad and had narrowed his search for true televised love down to 2 women, Courtney the paid actress and Horse Girl.

I got this email from someone:“Hey Greg, she made it the Final day… why not call ‘Horse Girl’ by her real name Lindzi now?”

Well, maybe because she doesn’t even know how to spell her name. Why should I try if she’s not going to try? How much further away from ‘Lindsay’ is ‘Horse Girl’ than ‘Lindzi’? I keep reading back that last sentence and something’s probably wrong but there’s no time. I have a finale to recap. THERE’S NO TIME!

The scene opens with Ben on a mountain in Switzerland. He’s wearing a suit. I look at the clock. There is still 2 hours, 59 minutes and 48 seconds left. Chris Harrison tells us that, “It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for”. Somewhere a starving child turned to the TV and said, “Dinner?”

They promise it will be the most controversial finale in Bachelor history. They promise this every season AND EVERY SEASON THEY DELIVER!!! (Sorry about the ALL CAPS. I’m medicated.)

Ben talks about his two girlfriends. He says that he needs more time with Horse Girl, hinting that he’ll pick Courtney. Then, they show Courtney bending down in Switzerland to pet a stray cat. They cut away the camera before she picks it up and starts feeding on the cat’s blood through its neck.

Ben’s Mom and Sister are flown in to offer their support and sternly judge his girlfriends. Ben cries when he sees them. I’m still managing to hold it together. There are two mugs and a bowl of yarn balls on the table. I’m not kidding. I don’t know if these are edible yarn balls or just a super crafty way to decorate. Maybe they are emergency yarn balls in case someone rips their sweater.

Horse Girl gets the first visit/judgment. They tell Ben’s Mom/Sister the horse story. Ben’s family seems completely uncomfortable on camera. They look like they’re at gunpoint. ABC makes them eat on TV to make things more uncomfortable. The producers find the perfect ‘uncomfortable eating’ music. I’m on Dayquil, but Horse Girl’s eyes look like cartoon eyes. I think I’m hallucinating.

After a chat with Mom, Sis pulls her out onto the mountains to talk more while holding gallon-sized wine glasses. Horse Girl says that she didn’t expect to find love. THEN WHAT IS SHE DOING THERE???!!!! (again, Dayquil)

Ben’s sister makes Horse Girl talk about Courtney. Horse Girl tells Sis how awful Courtney is. Sis doesn’t like Courtney. She’s just like America. Horse Girl and Sis really hit it off. They talk a lot and Horse Girl nods so much there’s a fear of a severe sprain. Horse Girl gets serious Family ‘Game Show’ points. Mom calls her a ‘total package’ and I pump my fist ‘cause that’s totally hot!

Courtney’s visit is next. Ben’s sister hates her before meeting her just based on what Horse Girl said and the fact that she’s a model. Ben has a lot to think about. They show him thinking. He sits in a room in front of a fire and thinks in a giant sweater. We go to commercial.

When we get back from commercial, Ben is outside looking at the Swiss mountains and thinking. Then, he walks back inside to think. This guy thinks. I check my clock; 2 hours, 32 minutes left!

Courtney arrives to be hated and sound super fake and everyone should hate her because she’s fake and there’s no doubt she’s going to win. Courtney says, “I finally know what true love is”. If you’re keeping score at home, ‘true love’ means going on a Game Show to act awful and get exposure so you can be cast in a Lifetime Movie Network movie about a woman who rises about an abusive husband or anorexia.

The family plays nice to start with but appears apprehensive. ABC plays some ‘apprehensive’ music to show us how apprehensive they are. Sis pulls Ben aside to grill her. She brings up the bad blood in the house with the other girls. Courtney explains that she made mistakes. She forgets to mention that she’s a paid actress who came on the show to further her career. The sister doesn’t push her much. I’m getting mad. I wanted blood.

Courtney tells the camera that she doesn’t want to be judged for being mean to the other girls which makes a ton of sense.Mom gets her chance. Courtney tells Mom how funny Ben is and… seriously, he’s a riot. I can’t even stop laughing. I’ve totally got the giggles. Mom seems to like her. ABC plays ‘Mom Likes Her’ music.

Ben pulls Sis aside to tell Ben how amazing she thinks Courtney is and how bad she misjudged her. I have the feeling that she’s going to really hate watching this back. I hope they all watch it together. I hope Courtney is sitting right between Mom and Sis when she pops a double bird to the camera and says something horrific about one of the other contestants.

We come back from commercial with more talking. There is just so much talking. We just heard them say all of this! Why are they talking about the things we just saw?! We just saw you say that! Stop talking about it! Do something! Why can’t they repel Mom off of a mountain or something? I want shark fishing! AND WHERE ARE ALL OF THE HELICOPTERS???!!!!

When Ben and his family are done talking they talk more and of course we need to show them hugging and saying goodbye because the damn show is 3 hours long and, oh look! There are more mountains!

We’re back from commercial and it’s time for the final dates before he dumps one and proposes to the other. Horse Girl gets the first final date. There had better be some danger and hot tub sex or I’m going to get stabby. They ride a horse and buggy through Switzerland. Then, they go skiing on a tall mountain that Ben calls a Madahorn or something. I hate that Ben is more cultured than me.

Horse Girl and Ben have a picnic while a trolley carries them up that horn thing. The trolly stalls out at 49 billion feet and Horse Girl decides that it’s the perfect place to open up to Ben. I yell, “It’s about bleeping time, Horse Girl!”

Horse Girl opens up, I think. They’re talking about whether or not she’s being open. I’m not sure if that’s being open. It’s a lot of talking. So much talking. Ben nods a lot when Horse Girl talks. He’s not as good a nodder as Horse Girl but relationships are about balance. My stupid computer doesn’t think that ‘nodder’ is a thing. When they’re done nodding, they ski down the Alps.

When we get back from break, Horse Girl invites Ben to her hotel room for some romantic quality time with just the two of them, a couple of camera guys, a lighting guy and a sound mixer. They talk about how fun their day was and then they make out. ABC plays some soft music while they whisper and make out. There’s a lot of slurping. Ben has his collar popped. I officially hate him. When Horse Girl talks, it looks like Ben wants to be very far away. You can tell he’s not into her. She spends 5 minutes setting him up to tell him that she loves him. It’s awkward. Then, she tells him she loves him. Ben says, “That’s good”. He stops short of checking his watch and doing the fake yawn thing. Then, they make out sans feeling. ‘Sans’ is Latin for without. I wanted to implement a little culture into my blog because I don’t know what a Mandahorn is.

Horse Girl says, “This is the first time I’ve been so sure of something”. She’s going to hate watching this back.The next day brings Courtney’s final date, before the 2-or-3 dates they have in the real world before she gets bored and dumps him.

They’re picked up IN A HELICOPTER!!!!!! The helicopter carries them to Italy which blows my mind because I didn’t know Italy was near Switzerland. They fly over the Mandahorde and make out. Ben expresses how flying a helicopter over a Montador is like taking your love to new heights.When they land, they drink and barbeque in the middle of nowhere and who the hell decides the dumb crap that they do on dates? Ben actually appears like he wants to be near Courtney, even though she doesn’t nod a lot when he talks. They make out some more in their sweaters. Then, they talk cute and make snow angels and cute noises and it’s super fun and we’re all just laughing together. Weren’t you guys totally laughing? I’ll probably laugh just reading this back.

They sled down the Montohorn and then make out more.

Courtney brings us back from commercials by lighting candles. Ben knocks on her hotel door. He does not just walk right in even though he’s brought 4 camera guys who are in contact with the camera guys inside of Courtney’s room and it’s clear that it’s him at the door and not a Swiss Axe murderer.

Courtney gives Ben a gift before they make out. It’s a picture journal that ABC gave her to give him. She tells him how hard she worked on it. I lol. Courtney reads Ben a love note. It’s 20 pages long and we have to sit through the whole thing because this stupid show is 3 hours long and I’m just so tired and angry. To make it worse, Courtney has shifted gears and is talking in this cutsie voice that makes me wish I had a knife, a time machine and a plane ticket to Switzerland.

Courtney and Ben talk a little about her reputation as the bad person in the house. As they talk, there’s a Swiss Church bell ringing in the background. It rings endlessly. It must be 4,000 o’clock there. I lose focus as we come back to Courtney crying and who even cares at this point? It’s obvious she won. Courtney’s fake crying is painful to watch. I rather watch the Theisman injury on loop. (Sports quota filled)

We come back from commercial with Ben walking around and thinking (so much thinking). Then, 12 different cameras position themselves in Horse Girl’s room to capture her thinking from every angle. We get Horse Girl thinking in her bed when she wakes up. We get Horse Girl thinking out on the balcony. We get Horse Girl thinking out on the balcony from the ground looking up.

Then, it’s Courtney’s turn to think in many different settings, including steamy mug of coffee in the window thinking. These thinking scenes are coupled with flashback footage of mountain repelling and hot tub make out sessions.

My wife, who I couldn’t love more at this moment actually turns to me and says, “Can I fast forward?” I’ve never been happier. Talk about knowing that you’ve found the one.

We zoom to the helicopter entrance of the dump scene.

Horse Girl is first, which means she is getting dumped. They make her walk four miles to a mountain setting where Ben is prepared to dump her. ABC plays a thought track of how happy she is going to be to marry Ben. It’s painful. She starts gushing right away and is obviously nervous because she’s talking a mile a minute. As Ben shifts into dump mode, her head nodding hits fifth gear. Ben drops the bomb and America watches Horse Girl’s heart break. I feel bad for Horse Girl. She seems really nice. I hope they don’t make her the Horse Girl Bachelor.

Horse Girl doesn’t say a word immediately after being dumped. She just nods a lot. Ben walks her back to the helicopter in silence. She finally tells Ben not to feel bad for dumping her and apologizes for not being better (Where are these women in real life?!!)

Horse Girl gets to the helicopter and composes herself quite well. It is not a total snot-fest. I almost feel cheated. I came for gut-wrenching agony! Rip-off! Is this the controversy I was promised? It’s controversial that there wasn’t more crying.

Courtney’s helicopter ride to Ben’s mountain is next. She says, “I’m a good person and good things happen to good people”. Amazingly, the helicopter doesn’t poetically crash into the mountain. She strides up to Ben to get engaged. There’s something strange about a woman in an evening gown strolling down a mountain. It doesn’t do it for me like eyeblack does.

Ben has a speech for Courtney. ABC gives him the dramatic ‘speech’ music. So far, there is no controversy. Ben keeps talking about their wonderful time together. He fakes Courtney out by pretending like he’s not going to propose to her. ABC gives us some dramatic ‘fake dump pump-fake’ music. Then, he gets down on one knee and proposes and that ring is effing huge. Courtney says, “I will love you forever”. Ben says, “I will love you forever”. They make out a little and then they both say, “I will love you forever” and, just so everyone reading this knows, ‘forever’ is now 2 months.

Courtney remarks, “Oh My Dad!” which is a Ben thing that I still don’t really understand or feel comfortable with.

Ben gives her the final rose and then they talk to the camera about fairytales and this is probably as good a time as ever to relay the story Lindsay from WGR promotions told me about pictures of Ben in a magazine making out with three different ‘Non-Courtney’ girls after the final episode was taped.

When this two-hour torture-fest is finished, we move to a studio so Chris Harrison can interview Ben and Courtney while 299 women and 1 guy in the audience can nod their approval from stadium seats.I’m not really going to recap much of this because it would be just recapping them recapping what we just watched. I’ve already wasted enough of everyone’s time. Time is precious because forever is 3 months and all.

Ben drops the bomb that he and Courtney broke up at one point after he saw what a witch she ison TV. That must have been when he found the time to make out with those other girls. Chris Harrison asks Ben if he made out with other women. Ben swears on his father’s grave that he did not kiss anyone. He says that the photos are either old or doctored. I yelled ‘Oh My Dad!” The audience members must have Ben’s back because they’re head nodding on Horse Girl’s level.

Courtney comes out and gets booed and she explains her side of the story and it’s boring. Eventually, she tells Chris Harrison that she and Ben are still together, she thinks. She cries more. I’ve caught up to real time on my DVR and can’t fast forward anymore.

Chris Harrison brings Ben back out to sit next to Courtney so we can all feel uncomfortable. Chris Harrison points out how Courtney doesn’t have that giant doorknob ring on her finger. He then pulls the ring out of his pocket so the stupid studio audience can ooo and aahhhh. Ben puts the ring back on Courtney’s finger. We get closure on the season by finding out that Ben and Courtney are still engaged and plan on getting married. So, go ahead and sleep tight tonight, America. Then, they make out. (Sorry, force of habit.)

Harrison teases that they’re bringing Ashley H. out for an interview and I set a land-speed record jumping up to turn off my TV.

So, there you have it, another season of the Bachelor. I hate this show.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Bachelor Recap- The Women All Talk at Once

It’s one last giant push to be on television, one sprawling reach at the lime light, one last desperate grasp at being relevant. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you ‘The Bachelor- The Women Tell All’ episode. Or, as I like to call it, ‘Watch the Studio Audience Hate Courtney’!!!

In a world of terrible television, this is the low point. The ‘Women Tell All’ episode of the Bachelor is like reaching into a waste basket full of snotty flu-ridden tissues and pulling out the corpse of a prostitute who died of a venereal disease. (You notice how I left the gender of the prostitute non-specific? I’m all about equality in Bachelor Recaps!) With the show confined to the studio, there are zero helicopter rides.

The women tell all. Why do the women tell all? I would so much rather that the women told very little, or none. With the Oscar success of ‘The Artist’, I would like the Bachelor to be a silent Reality TV show; just whorish behavior accompanied by campy piano music. And even if they couldn’t keep these women silent for an entire season, how about a ‘Simon Says’ version of the Bachelor? The girls are allowed to talk but they’re immediately eliminated from the Game Show if they utter the words ‘connection’, ‘vulnerable’ or ‘love’.

Alas, the women tell all. Ben’s 23 dumped girlfriends sit down in front of a studio audience to scream and angle for face time. There will be a lot of tears, a lot of footage of things we’ve already seen and one dude in an audience of 300 women. I never understand how that one guy gets suckered into going to a Bachelor taping with his wife. I’ll bet the bar next to the ‘Women Tell All’ studio does a killing on ‘Women Tell All’ nights. It’s full of guys smoking cigars and not recapping the Bachelor. I’m so jealous of them. I’ll never be them.

We start the worst show on television with ABC showing us our favorite cast members of all time. They obviously didn’t consult me on this because there were former contestants involved and I have no favorites. I hate every one equally. I’m an ‘equal-opportunity’ hater. This segment is an 8-minute promo/preview for the Bachelor Pad. I hated every second of it. All of the ghosts from Bachelors past put on something tight to slut it up. The fake fish-looking girl with plastic everything kept talking in her monotone and it took everything in me to not run to the Spy Store for cyanide capsules. (Veterans of my recap will know which girl I’m talking about)

After footage there is more footage. Thank you for reading this far down. The girls get together to hate VIP cocktail waitress Blakely first. VIP cocktail waitress Blakely wasn’t nice so some of the girls screech to communicate this. Some blonde girl I don’t recognize squeals for 2-minutes and I don’t understand a word of it. My garage door opens and closes 7 times while she’s talking. It’s a sound that humans don’t make. This is how it comes across on the show: Chris Harrison says a girl’s name, 14 girls screech at once, then the studio audience erupts into applause, then Chris Harrison says how much more content they have coming up and throws it to commercial.
If I haven’t already, I’d like to point out that this is the worst episode of the worst show on television.

Next, Shawntel the funeral director comes back to look gorgeous and act stupid. If you don’t remember, Shawntel was a contestant from a past season and came back for a day to fill in some content this year. It was pointless and without a point. Chris Harrison rolls out footage of the girls saying awful things about the party crasher while they show Shawntel’s stunned reaction in a little box in the bottom left corner of the screen. After Shawntel whines about her treatment, the rest of the contestants apologize to her for acting awful. I receive no apologies from anyone.

Emily takes the Hot Seat next. Emily has a PHD. She still takes the Hot Seat. They show footage of Emily crying and talking from earlier in the season. Meanwhile, on NBC Versus, my favorite hockey team is potentially gaining a place in the top 8 of the Eastern Conference (I am taping the game to watch at midnight when I’m done hammering out this digital piece of garbage. I sacrifice it all for my 28 readers. (Yes! I’m up to 28!)

When we’re done watching what we’ve already seen, Emily takes some time to talk about what we’ve already seen. Chris Harrison nods a lot. His facial expression when talking to these women about the details of the most inconsequential things is the kind of look you’d see plastered on the face of a judge listening to a man state his case for not being put to death by electric chair. Emily regrets not telling Ben that Courtney is a paid actress. She says the word ‘sex’ and the studio audience erupts into applause. Chris Harrison throws it to commercial.

Nicki the brunette is next on the Hot Seat. Nicky had sex with Ben last week in the Fantasy Suite and was then dumped. She finished third. We get a repeat of the tearful limo-confession goodbye speech. Nicky tells America how in love she was with Ben. Chris Harrison nods a lot. His stern approval of Nicki’s love for Ben reminds me of the founding fathers gathered around the Declaration of Independence.

Kacie B. gets her own 30-minute 1-on-1 interview with host Chris Harrison. She is not wearing eye black. Kacie B. is pushing hard for her own Bachelor season. The on-line support is huge… probably… I refuse to check. It is no small feat for a 4th place finisher and quite a statement that the 4th place finisher is featured ahead of the 3rd place finisher. ABC loves them some Kacie B. I love that my computer corrected no part of that last sentence.

We watch Kacie B.’s Bachelor journey, including her epic goodbye limo confession. There is so much painful crying. I feel bad for her for having to watch that back. My wife and I hold hands through it. Kacie B. just brought us closer together. Why is there war?

Kacie B. admits that she came into the show afraid to love. She tells America that Ben changed all of that and she was truly shocked that Ben didn’t choose her. She says the word ‘Blind Sided’ 40 times. She’s putting Sandra Bullock’s kids through college. Chris Harrison nods a lot. The look of majestic understanding of love’s delicate journey mirrors the expression of a withered old man evaluating his life on his death bed.

At the end of her interview, Harrison asks Kacie B. if she’s ready to find love. She says, “I hope so. We all will, right ladies?” while pointing to the next of the contestants. My wife shakes her head and says, “No”.

I’m sure ABC will wait a week or two before announcing that Kacie B. is the next Bachelorette.

We spend the next segment hating Courtney. The drama meter climbs up a few notches. One of the girls sums up Courtney perfectly, “She was in it to win it. End of story!” My wife and I high-five. They take 10 minutes to analyze how Courtney could be so awful. There is so much talking. They all agree that Courtney is the devil. They take turns putting Courtney’s evilness in their own words. The audience claps so much that ABC has to bring in fire trucks to spray them with water to stave off dehydration.

In a surprise move, ABC brings out Courtney to answer to her actions. They don’t normally do this because it gives a finale contestant a chance to accidentally spill the beans on the season’s outcome. Courtney takes the stage to complete silence. She’s scared because she was the worst person in the world and has to now face the music. Courtney is a diabolic genius. She continually apologizes to everyone. Someone will bring up something awful she said during the season, expecting her to puff up and defend herself, but she just cowers down and says that she’s sorry. She gives these girls nowhere to go. It’s brilliant. They all came for blood and venom and Courtney ruins it with kindness. It’s super smooth. The girls end up turning on each other. Courtney should coach the Bears or something.

Chris Harrison takes a break to cool Courtney off. She gets a chance to say a few words and again apologizes to everyone. She somehow manages to not burst out laughing. You can almost hear her agent off-camera cackling.

Courtney says, “Nobody gives you a manual on how to be on the Bachelor”. It sounds like I need to write a manual for people who are going to be on the Bachelor. I would love to see women getting out of the limo at the beginning of the season and then picking up their ‘Greg Bauch’ Bachelor manual from a basket at the front door of the mansion.

At one point in her fake crying rant, she apologizes for hurting Ben. I’m sure that means she probably won the show and then cheated on him or something. I’m also sure that I’ll read about it on the cover of a magazine while I’m waiting in line at the grocery store to buy Kale and organic Bison meat because my wife hates me.

Ben comes out to sit in the Hot Seat next. The girls take turns asking him why he dumped them. I think all men and women should get this opportunity at one point in their lives. We should all be on the Bachelor. The nurse chick tells Ben that she’d still date him if things don’t work out. She stops short of throwing her keys up onto the stage.

Next, we brighten the mood with a blooper reel of fun. It’s super fun. I LOL a ton. There are birds flying, cows mooing and a 10-year old runs out to hit his Dad in the crotch with a baseball bat (not really).

They end the show with a 10-minute preview of next week’s show. Ben has to choose between Courtney and Horse Girl. We’re told there will be a lot of drama and a shocking twist. It’ll be like the 6th Sense with more abs and hot tub action. Didn’t you feel that way while watching the 6th Sense? Didn’t you feel like that movie could use more hot tub sex? I felt that way. I wrote M. Night Shyamalan a letter.

I hope you all enjoy next week’s finale. There will be a lot of footage of Ben and Courtney and Horse Girl staring off to the distance and thinking. It is sure to be the MOST DRAMATIC BACHELOR FINALE IN HISTORY!!!!!1111!!!! Like with all Bachelor finales, I cannot wait for it to be over.