Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Ants Are Stupid

know what you guys are thinking, "Another Ant blog??!"

I know, I know...this is the last one. I promise.

I was setting up ant traps in one of the rooms in my house today and it got me to thinking about ants. (Normally, I only think about them when I beat off.)

In some ways, ants are amazing.
These ants can smell a grain of sugar from 3 million miles away. I tested this theory by placing some sugar on Neptune.
Ants lift 100 times their own body weight..which would be way more impressive if they weighed more than .00001 Lbs.
They have an exo-skeleton. How bad-ass would it be to have your skeleton on the outside of your body? You wouldn't even need X-rays!
They have segmented bodies and I don't have anything clever to say about segmented bodies.

Ants are pretty stupid though. You can kill a whole colony of them with an ant trap. How would you like to be the pathetic worker drone ant that brings the poison back to the Queen to eat?:

Worker Ant- (bowing)- "Hey, your eminence. I brought something delicious for you to eat.. I hope you like it, your Highness."

Queen Ant- (frowning)- "Dude! Is that Poison?"

Worker Ant- "I don't think so. It smells really good. I got this from a really cool hotel looking thing. The food was just sitting inside."

Queen- "What do you mean 'Hotel'? Was it a giant man-sized Hotel? Because they don't build Hotels for Ants."

Worker Ant- "I don't know. It was just sitting in the corner under a computer desk. That huge dude was playing Civilization IV again. He's a fucking dork."

Queen- "Why is it blue."

Worker Ant- "I don't's blue food."

Queen- "Alright, I'll eat it. My 4,000 kids are starving and their Dad died and was carried off by one of those sick fuck ants who carry around dead ants. But if its poison, I'm gonna get one of my warrior ants to eat the sides of your face off with those cool claw teeth."

Worker Ant- "Laters."

That's just a look into the lives of Ants. Hope you enjoyed.

My New Career

I was watching the movie 'Million Dollar Baby' last night, and I thought of a great new career. And, no, it wasn't 'female boxer' or 'neck surgery specialist'.

I hit the info button on my remote because I'm a psycho...and, if there are buttons in front of me, I can't go more than 15 seconds without pressing one.

The info on the movie 'Million Dollar Baby' read like this:
"A hardened manager works with a determined woman in her attempt to establish herself as a boxer."

That really doesn't do this movie justice. And, quite frankly, if I had read that without knowing anything about the movie, I wouldn't bother to watch it. Sorry about using the phrase 'quite frankly'. Apparently, I'm a d-bag.

Anyway, someone needs to write better movie info descriptions and I'm the man for the job. I would single-handedly boost ratings by 300%. I would get anyone to watch any movie. If I was in charge, when you hit the info button during 'Million Dollar Baby', if would say this:
"Clint Eastwood buys Hillary Swank a robe and then kills her.

"Who the fuck isn't watching that movie???!!! And it's completely factual. It just doesn't tell the entire story. I could do this for any movie.

Rocky"Mildly retarded boxer takes Adrian's virginity.

"It's a Wonderful Life"Jimmy Stewart contemplates jumping off a bridge.

"Lake Placid"Betty White uses the 'F' word."

Other descriptions for these movies would be a waste of time. What would make you want to see the movie 'Platoon'?:

"Soldier arrives in South Vietnam with several other replacements and is assigned to the 25th Infantry Division."


"A guy stabs himself in the leg so he can get on a helicopter."

The choice is yours.The only bad part about this discovery is, I can't stop writing movie info bullets. (I'm calling them 'bullets' now)

Entrapment"Catherine Zeta Jones crawling around in tight pants for a scene."

Glory"Mathew Broderick tries to grow a beard."

Big"Tom Hanks watches the Broncos/Giants Superbowl without commercials.

"Hoosiers"Gene Hackman and Barbara Hershey pull off the most uncomfortable kiss in cinema history.

"Rounders"John Malcovich eats Oreos without milk…or any other beverage."

Feel free to add some of your own. I have the feeling I'll be checking back later to do more.

Secrets of the Universe

I finished my dinner yesterday and I really wanted to drink a beer.

That's the great thing about being employed. If you're smart enough to go to the store at some time during the week, there will be beer in the fridge for when you get one of those hand shaking "If I don't get a beer in me, I'm going to stab someone" moments.

I realized something. Beer doesn't taste good.

Many people already know this. Some of you read that sentence and said to yourself,"You know, beer does taste awful....I must be completely addicted to alcohol."

Don't get me wrong. I love beer like my mother loved her other children. I'll just never confuse beer for a tasty beverage.I've heard some arguments that beer is actually a great tasting drink. That, "It tastes good when you're older and have a more sophisticated pallet....kind of like broccoli."

Well, broccoli doesn't taste good either. Your mind just realizes that the hoagies and beer you've been shoveling into your face for the last 30 years are going to give you prostate cancer. So, your mind tells your taste buds that, "This broccoli shit is amazing.""Well Greg", you argue. "How come I don't like candy as much as I did when I was younger? Isn't that proof that my pallet got more sophisticated?"

"No", I answer. Candy is still delicious. Your mind is just telling you, "Hey buddy, your skin turns into a topography map of Asia when you eat this shit. Try cutting back on the Caromelos."

"Who the fuck are you?!", you're probably screaming at me right now. "Why the fuck do you have to talk down to me like you've just figured out the meaning of life or something! Why don't you jam an umbrella down your throat and open it.

"Well, that's a valid point. I'm not trying to prove anything. I'm just saying I realize that beer doesn't taste good. I'll even prove it. Everyone knows that babies never lie. They don't know how to lie. So, I'll take a baby and keep feeding it beer. The baby will keep trying to crawl away from the beer because it tastes like asshair. But I'll keep grabbing the baby and pouring beer into it's face.

Eventually, it will get addicted to alcohol and drink it freely.

I love science.

And don't even get me started on Hard Alcohol.
If you try to tell me that Whiskey taste good I'm gonna get angry. It's like drinking Windex. Shots are so bad, you never drink one sober. You have to be completely hammered at a bar and some dude you just met thinks it's a social thing to feed people embalming fluid....and then treats you like a pussy when you tell him 'no' because you have to drive home soon. Don't you love that guy?

Me: "Hey I'd rather not put more alcohol into my blood because I don't want to fall asleep behind the wheel and ram my Hyundai into a Mother of 3 who happens to be night jogging.
That Guy: "Pussy!"

Liquor does not taste good. Don't make me get that baby addicted to Whiskey too!

This blog has no point. I'm not trying to convince you of anything...or to stop drinking. I guess I was just trying to figure out why I now like the taste of carrots and they used to make me dry heave.

Stay in School.

Me Vs. Mosquitoes

The wet summer weather has brought about a scourge of mosquitoes to Wheatfield. It's like the mosquitoes are paparazzi and I just kidnapped Brad and Angelina's twins.

It's so bad; people actually demanded that the town do an aerial spraying. We were the only people who didn't see the notice in our mailbox that you were supposed to stay inside and close the windows on the night of the spraying, so we sat outside and wondered why that plane was flying so low over the neighborhood.

The spraying didn't work. These fucking things are like little blood whores who can't get enough. Normally, I would crave this sort of attention, but it's too much. The mosquitoes must die.

I hate mosquitoes. I know of several people who can just ignore a small winged animal stealing their blood, but I take each sting like a personal attack. I want to find out where the mosquitoes live and burn down their village.

I would like to think the world would be a better place without mosquitoes, but I remember hearing that they're vital to the eco system. When I was a kid, I asked my mom if we really needed mosquitoes. And my mom said, "Not now honey, Mommy's taking a nap." And I said, "Mom, shouldn't you keep your eyes on the road." My mom was right though. We don't need mosquitoes.

Scientists are always saying that God created mosquitoes for a reason. Well, I would ask those scientists why God created nuclear bombs. Did God intend for those nuclear bombs to go off? Are those nuclear bombs making the world a better place? The answer is, sometimes god fucks up. Or, God is challenging us to keep the shit that we need on this earth and to gas the other stuff until it dies. It's like a divine scavenger hunt.

And, to all of you fucking seal-hugging hippes who think that killing mosquitoes is wrong, how do you know that they're good mosquitoes? How do you know that the mosquitoes I plan to kill didn't just date-rape a bunch of friendly mosquitoes? What if all of the mosquitoes I'm killing are angry, mean, pedophile drunks who kill good mosquitoes who just fell in love on vacation. I don't read a lot of Shakespeare, but I think he wrote a play about this. And the message was clear; Kill mosquitoes.

So the government can do all it wants to stop me from killing mosquitoes, but it can't stop winter from coming. I cannot wait until October. I'm going to sit in my backyard with a sweatshirt on and a beer in my hand and wait for the temperature to dip below 40 degrees. Then I'm going to cackle laughter as all of the mosquitoes die in one big genocidal swoop.

Then my wife is going to leave me because I drink too much and the neighbors keep calling the cops because I yell at cars.

Monday, August 11, 2008

Vacation Recap

So, I'm sitting in the Dominican Republic Airport, waiting to fly back home after a week of eating, drinking and bastardizing the Spanish language, when the strangest thing happened.With headphones in my ears, I looked up from my book and watched a man from airport security walk up to me from, at least, 200 feet away, past about 40 standing people, past a row of people seated in front of me, to ask me a question.

I took off my headphones to see what he wanted. He asked, "Can I borrow your pen?"I asked my wife, "Do we have a pen?"My wife then retrieved a pen out of her purse and handed it to then security guy. He turned to me and said, "Thank you so much." and then walked away.

A number of questions sprang to my mind:
- Doesn't this airport have any pens?
- Why did he thank me and not my wife?
- Why did he clearly walk past 50 potential pen holders to get to a guy wearing headphones?
- Does he know about the bottles of whiskey in my suitcase?
- Did he need my fingerrpints for a crime investigation?
- Am I going to a Dominican Prison????!!!!!!

I did not end up in a Dominican prison. The guy never came back to bother me or even return the pen and I will spend the rest of my life wondering why he chose to walk past 50 people to steal my Bic.

Anyway, the Dominican Republic was great. Here is a list of highlights:
- We arrived and had our luggage ripped from our hands and placed into 2 separate Minivans. Men who didn't speak English then put 3 of our friends in one van, which drove away, and then abandoned the van the other 3 of us sat in, leaving us to wonder if our families would pay the ransom.About 5 minutes later a friendly man came back to the taxi and procceded to take years off of my life by driving 70 miles an hour in the wrong lane dodging motorcycles, oxen and begging children.If Six Flags ever wants a new ride they should cancel plans for a rollercoaster and install a virtual "Dominican Taxi Ride". There are no rules for Dominican motorists. They're insane. We were told, in all seriousness, that every Sunday is "Drinking and Driving day".

- You immediately feel at home when you drive by a beautiful beach being patrolled by a dozen men wearing raincoats carrying assault rifles on their shoulder.

- If you're at dinner after consuming a heroic amount of alcohol and your wife remarks that her seafood burrito smells funny, think for a minute before you take her plate and hand her yours and then consume a fishy smelling Dominican nightmare. I spent 2 days of my vacation in a bathroom, 7 feet from paradise, wishing I was dead. I lied there repeating,"El piso del bano esta frio." (The bathroom floor is cold.)

- Watching Spain beat Germany in the Euro Championship of Soccer with Spanish play-by-play while drinking a deliscious "El Presidente" beer was a vacation highlight.

- If you ever stay at the Crown Villa resort in Villa E-24, don't walk around in the bushes. We broke about 5 glasses and a couple of bottles and basically just pushed all of the broken glass into the bushes.

- If you're looking to buy sunglasses at a little shop and a Dominican man says "Look around. No pressure.", and then grabs the sunglasses you just tried on and rips the price tag off of them and then tries to jam them into your pocket and says, "500 pesos!"........there's pressure......there's a little pressure there.

- In case you've ever wondered what Dominican pool side entertainment consists of, I'll tell you. Grown men dressed up as Super-heroes thrusting their pelvis in and out to the beat of Techo-Dance music while a Dominican D.J. keeps repeating, "Teesh-Teesh-Teesh-Teesh- Spiderman- Spiderman- Teesh-Teesh-Teesh-Teesh- Party Time- Party Time- Teesh- Teesh - Teesh- Teesh- Where is Mary Jane? Where is Mary Jane?- Teesh-Teesh-Teesh-Teesh."While a small man dressed as Spiderman hangs, suspended from his feet, waiting for a female tourist to come up and kiss him like the scene in the movie.It's a little strange.