Monday, June 25, 2012

Bachelorette Recap- Inches Away from the Ceiling of Hell

My friend Kevin Carlin has a joke about emergency rooms. They ask you to gauge your pain from 1-to-10 but it’s impossible to do. If you’re on fire, that’s a ‘10’ right? But what if a Wolverine bites you while you’re on fire? There’s always room for more pain. That’s what the Bachelorette is. It’s an emergency room full of immeasurable pain. This show has consistently hit rock bottom, yet ABC will get out the pick axes and shovels and dig a new bottom. Monday night, we found a bottom that has to be inches away from the ceiling of hell. There cannot be much further to go.

Emily has 6 boyfriends remaining. She has clearly chosen her new 6-month fiancĂ© in Arie, yet advertisements have been sold for the entire season, so they’re going to drag this out to the bitter end. It’s a big week for the Game Show contestants as the word ‘love’ is being thrown around like panties at a Burt Baccarat concert (I have no idea if this is a thing but it seemed like a thing) and ABC has dipped into volumes 8-thru-15 of their dramatic music CD collection.

Emily takes her 6 boyfriends to Prague. Prague is in the Czech Republic. We get really rare and candid shots of Emily walking around and leaning on fences, looking off into the distance to think. This girl thinks so much. She’s like Confucius, if Confucius only once threatened to put a West Virginia Hood-Rat stomp on someone. There will be three 1-on-1 dates and a group date. Only 6 guys are left, so we’re making Prague-ress. (Sorry, I thought of that last week and had to force it in somewhere.)

No one says that Prague is the perfect place to fall in love. Prague must be awful because these fake people have been to every corner of this Earth and every other place but Prague has been the perfect place to fall in love. Chris Harrison does drop a ‘seriousness’ bomb on the crew at the beginning of the episode.

“You are the 6 men that Emily definitely sees a future with”

The guys check out their hotel room and make a noise. I wonder if a producer stops them at the door and instructs them to make an excited ‘Oh!’ sound in unison like a Price is Right audience. Emily shows up and grabs Arie for the first 1-on-1 date. They go out into Prague-town and buy hot wine from a hot wine shack. My wife determines that the hot wine merchant is a drug dealer because ABC blurred out his face. I don’t have time to dig into it. The show is about to take an awful turn.

Arie is the eventual winner of the show. Because it’s obvious that Emily is crazy about him, the producers dig up a stupid back story about Arie dating a producer on the show. Arie dated this producer girl years ago and, because Emily has just learned this, she thinks Arie is hiding it.

Chris Harrison comes out and explains the pointless back story. Then, they show the producer interviewing Emily about the secret relationship that was never a secret.

On a side note, how the hell did Arie date a Bachelorette producer years before coming on the Bachelorette? What are the odds? Is he obsessed with the show? Are there only 3 people in Hollywood? Who the hell names their son Arie? He’s a race car driver. Race car drivers are named Dick Trickle, not Arie! See! Exclamation points! I tried not to use them but this show is so stupid!

Anyways, Emily is mad. She grills Arie to unveil anything he might be hiding. It’s ridiculous. It’s so ridiculous that ABC doesn’t even show the entire discussion. They come back from commercial and Chris Harrison explains that Arie and Emily cleared everything up when the cameras were off and they’re back to being happy and in love. So, if you’re keeping score at home, ABC will keep the cameras rolling in your child’s bedroom after you’ve tucked her in and turned off the lights, but they will not roll on footage of conversations integral to the plot. That’s awful television.

Arie and Emily find the time to eat dinner in a Prague castle and make out like two babysitters angling to get their grope-fest on before the parents get back home. There is slurping. I am, once again, uncomfortable.

Back at the hotel, Wolf finds out he’s getting the next 1-on-1 date. A psychopath named Chris obsesses over his frustrations with his girlfriend dating 5 other guys. He is turning into a serial killer on National Television.

We’re back to Emily and Arie’s castle slurp-fest and Arie tells Emily that he fell in love with her in Croatia (SEE!) and they make out some more and Emily basically tells him he’s won the Game Show and then… wait for it… there are fireworks. Seriously, tons of fireworks, just for them. It’s amazing. I wish you guys could have seen the fireworks. I did not see it coming. Arie even says, “That is so cool” and I yell, “Damn straight, Arie!” and then I get sad because I wanted to high-five Arie but he was in Prague and I’m in Wheatfield and it’s not even being shown to me in real time and, for all I know, Arie could be dead right now and he’ll never know how cool I thought those fireworks were.

The next day, Wolf gets a 1-on-1 date. It’s a friend date. They’re friends. No date on this show can be taken seriously now that Emily and Arie basically got engaged under a fireworks display. The other 5 guys are now fighting for 2nd place… or to become the next Bachelor.

Wolf has run out of funny quotes and now just prattles on about his family and how he wants to open up. There were some good lines on their date:

“We had a serious conversation in Croatia…”

“During Communism, music was censored here…”

“This is where people bring their locks…”

“You’re getting pretty deep on me today…”

I’m not going to tell you who said what or what any of these words mean because you don’t even care enough to know. Just be thankful you didn’t have to watch Wolf’s date with Emily because it was boring and stupid. Wolf is a Data Deconstruction specialist and you know how those folks roll. They go to a Prague dungeon to eat on T.V. Wolf tells a story about being dumped by his ex, which is always a good way to present yourself to a woman dating 5 other guys. Then, they make out.

Wolf takes Emily home and returns to their Prague hotel. Big religious guy Sean sneaks out of the hotel room to run through the streets of Prague to find Emily to make out. Cameras rush behind him as he scours the streets shouting ‘Emily’. I checked out Wikipedia and found that there are about 2 million people in Prague and roughly 73,000 Hotel rooms. Sean finds Emily in 6 seconds. She was walking alone down a Prague alley… because girls who look like Emily often wander strange streets alone, in full make-up and mic’d for Network broadcast. I hate this show.

Sean and Emily make out more in this segment than my wife and I have ever made out. Fillings have to be missing. It’s… uncomfortable. They go into a random ‘perfectly lit for television’ restaurant room to make out more. Then, they go back outside to make out more. Ricki is always in the back of Emily’s mind. Sean isn’t winning the Bachelorette but, he’s ‘making-out’ his way into becoming a future Bachelor.

Back at the Prague hotel, Psycho Chris finds out that he is a part of the group date and not the 1-on-1 date so he cries on camera and tries not to punch a hole in something.

Chris buries his anger for the next day’s group date. It’s Chris, his rage, big religious guy Sean the make-out king, and Doug the Dad. Emily picks them up in a horse drawn carriage big enough for 3 small people. They go to a castle to walk around and talk about how awesome it is. Doug the Dad thanks Emily for showing him the Prague castle as if she were responsible for taking him on vacation.

Emily pulls Doug the Dad aside to dump him. He’s super shy and doesn’t molest Emily and she hates that. She’s giving him a ‘I’m dumping you’ speech and Doug tries to make out with her in the middle of it. It’s awkward. It’s super awkward. On an awkward scale of 1-to-10, it’s a ‘10’. Emily completes the dumping and pushes Doug the Dad into a Prague cab.

There’s a camera in the Prague cab and Doug the Dad cries. He cries a lot. It’s uncomfortable. He talks about wanting to fall in love and his face contorts and there is a lot of crying and I long for the make-out footage. It’s… yeah, you get the point.

Emily goes back to her other boyfriends who she hasn’t dumped yet. They’re super comfortable too. Emily pulls them into separate rooms to make out with them. I say to my wife, “How can she make out with a guy 10 seconds after making out with a guy?” My wife says, “It’s not hard”. I kind of make a mental note.

Emily gives giant religious Sean guy a rose and psycho Chris uses all of his restraint to not punch Emily. His face is crimson. He’s pissed. I feel bad for the dry wall in his hotel room because it is getting punched tonight.

Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets the final 1-on-1 date. He and Emily buy super creepy Prague puppets from a creepy Prague puppet maker. The puppets steal my soul. Jef buys a creepy puppet for Ricki, the little girl he’ll never meet. Jef with 1 ‘f’ and Emily take the puppets to a Prague library to act out scenes from this season’s Bachelorette dates. (I swear to God I’m telling the truth.) By the way, I used one paragraph to describe 18-minutes of horrendous T.V. and I hope you can appreciate the pain I’ve spared you.

Jef with 1 ‘f’ tells Emily that he loves her. This is a serious show. When they’re done with the puppet show, they lie down on the floor of the library to make out and people must not read much in Prague because that library is empty. Emily and Jef with 1 ‘f’ talk about meeting his family next week. Jef with 1 ‘f’ says that his parents won’t be home because “they’re committed to something for a year”. I’m thinking it’s either prison or a Fox reality show. Jef with 1 ‘f’ tells Emily that he’d dump her if his parents didn’t like her.

We’re done with the dates and we don’t get a cocktail party because Emily cancels it to go straight to the Rose ceremony. Psycho Chris fumes because he wanted to take that time to apologize to Emily for turning into a volcano. Psycho Chris cries a lot while telling the camera how mad he is about not having a chance to explain himself. I’m guessing Psycho Chris will hate watching this episode back.

Psycho Chris shakes through the rose ceremony. He looks like the dude from ‘Scanners’. Before Emily hands out the final rose, Psycho Chris panics and pulls her into the other room to beg to stay. They go back to the rose ceremony and Emily dumps Wolf. (Boom!)

Wolf takes the dumping well. He hides his anger better than Psycho Chris. You need to shine in the ‘dump’ moment to have a chance at being the Bachelor. They’re not bringing you back if you throw chairs.

So, Emily is now down to 4 guys. Next week, she goes to the hometowns of her 4 boyfriends to meet their families so they can spaz out and act like they’re the coolest, zaniest families around and it’s embarrassing.

Monday, June 18, 2012

Bachelorette Recap- America Exports Sluttiness

There are only a couple more weeks until Arie wins the Bachelorette. You are used to reading things like this but I sincerely mean it, last week’s episode of the Bachelorette was the worst I’ve seen. The recap was terrible. This week, we’re ready to get back to good times because Emily has brought her boyfriends to Croatia and ‘Croatia’ is the Croatian word for ‘fun’. There will be two 1-on-1 dates and a group date.

I feel bad for these exotic, far away countries that have to host the Bachelor/Bachelorette. Why should their ancient shops and castles be subjected to our freaky, 6-on-1 courtship techniques? America is exporting sluttiness. My computer does not recognize ‘sluttiness’ as a word. Of course it doesn’t. My computer was not made in America. I fear the Bachelor franchise might be unsuccessful in their attempt to infiltrate the globe with smut.

Not only is it time for a return of fun, it’s also time for the guys to start throwing around the word ‘love’. ‘Love’ is the Bachelorette word for ‘I want to remain a contestant on this Game Show’. Things are getting serious. Emily says the word ‘daggone’ twice this week. TWICE! I had to look up the correct spelling and found this definition for ‘daggone’ at the Urban dictionary:

A polite way of saying "G****mn"

I stepped in the dog’s daggone poop.

I hurried up and bookmarked that webpage so I can always look at it. Now it’s like a picture of a loved one I keep in a pocket watch.

We kick off this week’s episode with footage of Emily thinking in front of a castle while we listen to her talk about love. Emily shipped her daughter back to Carolina which will leave producers scrambling to fill in the 4-minute hole of exploitative footage.

Jef with 1 ‘f’ gives us the perfect quote to set the mood:

“Croatia is the perfect place to fall in love”.

It should be noted that ABC producers instruct at least one contestant to say this sentence about every city ever visited. It’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger saying, “I’ll be back”.

Travis gets the first 1-on-1 date. Travis talks about possibly finding his wife while cameras capture footage of him changing his shirt. They go for a Croatian walk and find a Croatian balance stone and Emily says that, if men can balance on the stone while taking their shirt off, they’ll be lucky in love. Travis balances but keeps his shirt on. Emily says ”I’m really bummed out that Travis didn’t take off his shirt because I’ve been wondering, what’s underneath that shirt”. I told you things are getting serious. Then, they dance to Croatian fiddle music.

Travis says, “As far as dates go, this is a ‘10’… on a scale of ‘8’”. Travis fell out of the predetermined scale when trying to measure the wealth of his date with Emily. It’s a shame because it seemed like such an easy scale to stay on. You would think, when laying down your own parameters, you would be able to stay within them. On a scale of 1-to-10, Travis is a ‘1’ at judging date value. Thank you for reading down this far.

After some more pointless wandering around Croatia, they eat on television. Travis tells Emily she’s “an amazing lady”. Is that a good thing to tell a girl? Should I have been using that line? Can I go back? Curse marriage!

After sitting down to a dinner they don’t eat, they hug. Emily gushes about how much fun she’s had and Travis talks about how he can see himself with her forever and then she dumps him. Travis doesn’t get a rose. It was obvious that he was not winning this Game Show. Emily has made it clear that she seeks male baby-making chemicals and abdominals. Guys, if you have abs, make excuses to show them. Tell them you have an itch. Pretend like a spider crept up your shirt. Scream that invisible Nascar flames have engulfed your torso and rip the shirt off. Be creative.

Travis says, “Rejection sucks. It sucks with a capital S-U-C-K”. See, I still don’t think you guys are seeing how serious things have gotten. Travis cries about being dumped and then walks off into the Croatian rain. In, perhaps, the greatest moment in television history, Travis tosses away his umbrella to let the Croatian rain wash away his sadness. I laugh hard enough to move an end table. The end table was across the room.

Back at the Hotel, the men hang out on couches to give Ryan a chance to act like a villain. With Kalon gone, Ryan has the evil spotlight and plays the role to a ‘T’. The group date card comes and Ryan finds out that he has the other 1-on-1 date. He handles the information with smugness. The rest of the guys brood. It’s dramatic.

Emily greets her group-date group by saying she’s excited 4 times in 5 sentences. The group date starts with a 4-minute infomercial for a Disney movie that I won’t give further publicity to. It’s pathetic, even by Bachelorette standards. An entire segment of the show is burned on a commercial. Luckily for me, there is still 90 minutes of show remaining.

When they’re done servicing Mickey Mouse, the guys put on kilts to compete in Highland games. That’s tree-throwing and bow-and-arrowing. I’m pretty sure, even know they’re in Croatia, everything that comes next is Scottish, including the accents of the Highland game referees, but I’m not going to waste a lot of time thinking about it. Chris proves to be less manly than the rest of the group and fails miserably at Highland games.

Chris serves up a gem of a quote “If that’s what it takes for me… to have to throw a log to find love….”

Emily admires him for trying hard and gives Chris a courage trophy. Then, they make out. I immediately open another window to see if this courage trophy is available on Ebay.

Commercial break: New ABC show! Glass House! You guys, ‘Glass House’ is like a total metaphor come to life! They LIVE IN A GLASS HOUSE!!!!!SCREAMM!!!!!!1111!!!!ELEVENTY!!!!11111!!!

The group date continues at a Croatian night club. Emily takes 10 minutes to make out with each of the men individually. She makes out with giant religious Sean. Arie, the eventual winner of the show, drags her into an alley to do some serious face-sucking. It’s… uncomfortable. It’s a solid 3 minutes. The Disney commercial was shorter.

Back at the hotel, Ryan talks to himself and shaves on camera. I long for the uncomfortable face-slurping.

We’re back at the Croatian night club (KEEP UP!) and Emily is now making out with Jef with 1 ‘f’. I wonder if these guys can taste each other. I mean, they’re minutes away from making out with the other contestants. Jef with 1 ‘f’ comes close to proposing marriage. Emily unleashes the first ‘daggone’ of the night. It takes my daggone breath away.

Geeky under-athletic Chris guy acts like a dork and shakes his head from side to side like Harry Carey while telling Emily how much he likes her. She gives him a rose. The official raises his hands above his head. Chris is in the friend zone. (Sports quota filled)

The next day, they show Ryan shaving for the second time in 12 hours and he still has a full beard. Ryan said this week that he’s played Professional Football. I opened another window to check his credentials. He played defensive back for the Orlando Predators in the Arena Football League. I watched 43 seconds of his Youtube highlight package; anything to not be watching the Bachelorette.

Ryan acts like a jerk the entire date. I’m thinking Emily can’t dump him because she already dumped someone and there’s still 73 minutes left and they need to have a rose ceremony. I’m thinking producers are yelling at Emily, telling her she has to give Ryan a rose. It’s clear she does not like him.

They sit down to dinner and Emily dumps him. That’s the Bauch version of what happens. ABC managed to break it up with a commercial and made it last 18 minutes.

We did get two quality quotes from Ryan during the date:

“I’m a very safe driver... you may not FEEL safe…”

“That is very shocking because I did not see that coming.”

Ryan is very sad in the limo. He doesn’t mention Emily. He asks very nicely for the producers to edit the footage to make him look good. I did not make that last part up.

There’s a ton of time left and there is no content remaining. ABC tells the eventual winner of the show, Arie, to sneak off to Emily’s hotel to make out with her. Arie decides to sneak off to Emily’s hotel to make out with her. We open the scene with Emily getting home from dumping Ryan. Three separate cameras are there to capture a knock at the door. Emily acts surprised. The cameras show her opening the door to see who it is. A separate camera, placed behind Arie in full high definition make-up and mic’d up properly, captures Emily’s stunned reaction to this chance meeting from a different angle. It’s really quite a surprise. Emily can’t believe Arie snuck away to make out with her.

Three cameras follow Emily and Arie up to the bedroom to make out. It’s filmed at three different angles. They get close up and far away angles of the tonsil hockey. There is much slurping. It makes their Croatian alley make-out session looks like a cousin-hug. It’s endless. Holy cow, there’s just so much close-up making out and it’s so uncomfortable and how the hell can these people do this with 3 sweaty teamsters pointing cameras at them. Also, Emily’s daughter Ricki is always in the back of her mind.

Emily gives Arie a secret rose that is not recognized by Bachelorette officials as a round-qualifying rose.

At the cocktail party, Emily says she’s either going to send Wolf or Doug the Dad home. She pulls them each aside to talk. Wolf cries about his dead grandparents in a desperate attempt to remain on the show. He pulls out his grandparents’ prayer card for further effect.

“I didn’t think he’d be the type of guy to carry around his grandparents’ funeral cards”.- self explanatory.

They make out while Wolf holds his grandparents’ withered funeral cards in his hand.

Emily talks to Doug the Dad next and he acts like he’s never talked to a woman before. Then, Doug cries to the camera about the son he’s abandoned in order to show America his abs. Luckily for Doug the Dad, Emily already kicked two guys off the show already, so she can’t send anyone else home.

They pretend like there’s going to be a rose ceremony and they pretend like one guy isn’t getting a rose. Emily gives away all but one rose and then pauses like she’s ready to cry. Chris Harrison, who just got done telling the room that there was only one rose remaining, is somehow magically three football fields away. Emily comes running after him to ask if she can keep both Wolf and Doug the Dad. Harrison is scheduled to step back in that room 2 milliseconds after she gives away her final rose, but we’re to believe that Harrison is hanging out in front of the castle with a producer, completely oblivious to this planned sham of an ending. It’s insulting. It’s a worse stunt than the Disney commercial and the Arie sneak-away make-out session combined. ABC also used fake preview footage throughout the night to make it look like Emily had a heroic stand and demanded to know what the guys are saying behind her back. I’m betrayed. America is betrayed. I thought Croatia was better than this.

So, no one else goes home. Tonight’s episode was super awesome. Next week, Emily is bringing her boyfriends to Prague. Poor Prague.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Bachelorette Recap- Completely Pointless Television

“I wanna rip off his limbs off and beat him with them. I wanna go West Virginia, Hood-rat backwoods on his ass.”- Emily Maynard

You would think with a quote like that that this show would be interesting but it’s not. Emily is down to 10 boyfriends. That’s almost like having no boyfriends. There isn’t much show to go until Arie wins this season of the Bachelorette, but there is plenty of pointless footage to recap.

For those of you who don’t watch the show, Monday night’s Bachelorette was the most boring episode of all time. I don’t know many total seasons there have been in the Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise, but last night’s episode was by far the worst. My wife, the show’s biggest fan and only reason I ever started doing these god-awful recaps in the first place, just stopped watching. She walked away and called her Mom and then paid some bills halfway through. The episode wasn’t outrageous or corny. It was without purpose. It’s a bad television show.

I’ll try to make this recap as interesting as possible but there really isn’t anything to report.

Chris Harrison flies the crew out to London, England to make out and fake like they’re trying to produce a television show. Harrison gets serious at the start and reminds his ab-pack that the winning prize on this Game show is being someone’s husband. The guys show serious faces and act serious. There will be a pair of 1-on-1 dates and the stupidest group date.

Emily says “I’ve wanted to come to England forever”. She parades her 6-year old daughter in front of the cameras for a while before ditching the kid to go out on dates with her 10 boyfriends.

Giant religious guy Shawn gets the first date. They take a double-decker bus tour of London to waste a little less gas than a helicopter ride. Shawn says, “London’s calling and I’m going to answer it”. I throw up in my mouth a little. They show famous English sites and take pictures and make out and I hate this show.

Back at the Hotel ‘Bad Kalon’ is back and says some bad things about the fact that Emily has a daughter. Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets mad and tells the camera how mad he is. When he talks, he pinches the air with his fingers. It’s like he’s holding a card in the air displaying the number.

Shawn and Emily drink wine on a blanket in a park where people shout out political takes. Shawn gets on a soap box to tell English people what love is. English people listen and clap. England is now ruined. Emily says that it’s hot. I can neither agree nor disagree.

Shawn and Emily eat dinner in a prison or something. Emily has a cold this week so she sounds like Harvey Fierstein when she talks. She sits Shawn down and demands to have more kids. And then Shawn says that he’d have kids, so Emily demands to know exactly how many times he’d be willing to breed because she wants a lot of kids and he says he’d have 8-to-10 kids so Emily gives him a rose. Then they go outside to make out and you’re just waiting for fireworks because, of course, there are going to be fireworks but they don’t blow off any fireworks and, so far, London sucks.

Please go spend 4 minute talking to someone you love on the phone rather than read these next couple of paragraphs.

The group date is super goofy. Some British people teach the guys to act out Shakespeare. It’s a totally new concept for this show because they have never tried to do this thing where contestants learn parts of a play and then act them out in front of a live audience. I mean, they did it last season and, about, 12 seasons before that but… it’s totally new to this year’s show.

What follows is 28 minutes of guys practicing and performing Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. It makes me sorely miss last week’s gripping boat race. Guys say they’re nervous about doing Shakespeare, they make fun of the English words and then they act out Shakespeare. It takes 28 minutes. Evil personal trainer Ryan gets to kiss Emily at the end.

After the play, they go off to get drunk at a bar and Emily makes out with racecar driver Arie for 3 minutes, complete with slurpy goodness. Arie is pretty much the winner this season which makes all of this pointless television that much harder to put up with. Evil personal trainer Ryan gives Emily a necklace and Kalon sits in the other room to complain about Ricky, Emily’s daughter. He called her baggage.

Doug the Dad tattles on Kalon and Emily gets super mad and this is probably super dramatic in some worlds but I’m bored. I’m not a big fan of Doug the Dad, making it likely that he’ll be a Bachelor candidate after losing this season.

Emily does says, “I wanna rip off his limbs off and beat him with them. I wanna go West Virginia, Hood rat backwoods on his ass.”

Emily dumps Kalon in front of her 9 other boyfriends. She does that ‘Ghetto’ finger shake thing while she talks and things just got real. Emily swears more than Dustin Brown (sports quota filled) and they bleep it because this show isn’t being broadcast live.

In the goodbye cab ride home, there are no tears. Kalon tells the camera that he meant every word he says. He is pushing hard for a Bachelor Pad roster spot. Emily yells at the rest of her boyfriends for not ratting Kalon out sooner. Then she storms out of the date and runs back to the Hotel.

The next day brings a new chance for exploiting her baggage. Cameras capture some important footage of Emily and Ricky playing in bed.

Jef with 1 ‘f’ gets his big chance for a 1-on-1 date.

Emily takes Jef with 1 ‘f’ for British afternoon tea. Some British broad teaches them etiquette and they get uncomfortable and leave. They go to a British pub for a pint and some fish and chips because they’re in Britain. Jef with 1 ‘f’ is happy that it’s now just he and Emily and a couple of camera guys and a couple of sound guys and a producer and all of the other people in the pub and their waitress and, eventually, the millions of people watching at home.

After a pint in a pub (they’re in Britain) they ride a giant Ferris wheel with breathtaking views of all of the loos, pubs, lifts and pitches of Britain (they’re in Britain). Jef with 1 ‘f’ talks a lot and Emily sits there looking like she wants to jump on him. He makes her feel better about the night before when 7 of her boyfriends upset her. There are two really delicious looking desserts sitting in front of them the entire conversation and they don’t touch them and it’s wasteful and I would like to eat those desserts. Jef with 1 ‘f’ eventually makes out with her so we can hear the slurping. Jef with 1 ‘f’ asks Emily to make out with him before making out and it’s awkward.

There’s still like 40 minutes of this show left and I would really like for you all to stop reading these so I could stop recapping this garbage.

Next comes the cocktail party where Emily yells at a lot of her boyfriends again and then makes out with many of them.

Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison yells at the guys because it’s serious and they’re in London. Emily is boring. She yells at the guys one last time before dumping one of them.

ABC pretends like Arie is not winning the show by making it seem like Emily isn’t going to give him a rose. They make him the last guy to get a rose. It’s between him and the mushroom farmer who has spoken 4 words the entire season. It’s not suspenseful. It’s stupid.

Mushroom farmer does not cry in the limo. He does let America know that he’s ready for love so… go get’em ladies! He was in London, England last time I saw him.

Next week, the guys start throwing around the ‘love’ word and it’s totally taken forever for that to start happening. They’re going to Croatia and the guys all act excited to go to Croatia. I hate this show.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Bachelorette Recap- 27 Minutes of Boat Racing

Holy Cow! Someone better stack some sandbags around the drama-meter ‘cause that sucker is about to blow! (Please be advised that we have already maximized the exclamation point usage for one blog in the first paragraph. We’ve essentially fouled out in the first quarter. This is serious.)

The preview for tonight’s Bachelorette episode promises a butt-ton of drama. There will be heated arguments, fights, and someone gets stabbed in the face with a fireplace poker… probably. Look, you can’t rule it out. We’re talking about drama.

Emily Maynard is bringing her collection of Jay Crew models to Bermuda to find love. That’s not to say that the love they seek is in Bermuda. The love would already exist between her and one of her 16 boyfriends. They’re just going to Bermuda to see if there’s love. The love is universal. It exists everywhere. It’s not a product of Bermuda. It’s like the Force. There is now no single person left reading this blog. I’ve lost you all trying to explain love. I’m going to sneak an ‘F’ word down in paragraph 12.

Chris Harrison lays down the situation. There will be a 1-on-1 date this episode, a group date and a dreaded 2-on-1 date where one of the guys gets dumped during dinner. It’s a Bachelor/Bachelorette staple.

We open the episode with further exploitation of Emily’s daughter. She takes Ricki to Bermuda to make sure cameras can capture her being a good mother. They fly kites. Emily says, “When I’m on a date, Ricki is always on the back of my mind”. It will be gross to remember that when she’s making out with 4 guys in the span of 3 minutes.

The guys drive up to their Bermuda Hotel on mopeds while Bachelorette producers layer the scene with soft-core guitar rock. It’s the opposite of effect desired. One of the guys yells out, “Hello Bermuda”. Doug, the Dad, gets the 1-on-1 date. Doug is intense and will tell you to ‘Shut it’ if you’re out of line. The guys all tease Doug the Dad because he acts nervous about the prospect of being sent home on his date. He handles it well by threatening violence.

Emily comes to pick him up moments before he got super punchy. She says, “I walked into the room and there was a lot of tension”. Maybe that’s because you’re dating 16 guys.

Emily says that she and Doug get each other. Here is a collection of quotes from Doug uttered while they walked around Bermuda.

“I really like it here.”

“Are we going shopping?”

“Are we sampling?”

“I just like Island towns a lot.”

“That’s actually very nice.”

“Oh my God, let’s do it.”

“I’m just Doug.”

“If she wants a kiss from Doug, she’ll let Doug know she wants a kiss.”

None of those were made up. To make sure Ricki isn’t the only child exploited, Doug and Emily write a postcard to his son back home. Then, they go to a moon gate to make a wish. Could you please read that last sentence again? It’s not exactly jamming a note inside of a clock, but they’re in Bermuda. After they walk through the moon gate, Doug says, “I could do that 1,000 times. It was awesome”.

Things get more fun when they sit down to dinner. Emily grills Doug to come up with some bad characteristics. She basically tells him to reveal his flaws. When Doug doesn’t, she gets agitated. It’s uncomfortable.

Doug gets a rose, even though Emily is upset that he didn’t kiss her. Doug hasn’t kissed a girl in months and months. He’s not ready.

So far, no one has been stabbed and the drama-meter has cobwebs on it. There has been very little drama. I find it hard to believe that Bachelorette producers would lie to us about the drama content of an episode so I’m guessing we can expect the next hour and 40 minutes to be explosive.

Next comes the group date. In an effort to get to know the men she could potentially marry, she sticks two separate groups on sail boats to spend zero time with her while they race against each other and she stands on a different boat with an air horn.

ABC brings in some random dude to lay down the rules; winners get more time with Emily, losers go back to the Hotel. I don’t know who this Chris Harrison sub-in is, but he has no poise or style. Where the hell was Chris Harrison? Could he not make it to Bermuda?

Sean the giant Religious guy has a strong quote about the stakes, “I played D-1 college football. I know what it’s like to be serious”.

What comes next is a straight out 27-minute boat race. Its 10 guys, who have no idea how to sail, sailing. It is 27-minutes. This season of the Bachelorette is devoid of content. They faked the audience out with preview footage of a guy losing his finger but his finger is just sore. It’s a chasm. I hated every second and there were 1620 of them.

Some guy named Charlie was on the losing team and he cries on the minivan ride home. He cries… because he lost a boat race… along with 4 other guys who are also dating his girlfriend. He cried.

Charlie says, “This is the last thing I expected to happen. The last thing”. So, he was in a boat race and he lost the boat race and that’s the last thing he expected to happen. I guess if President Barack Obama parasailed onto Emily’s boat and started making out with her while shooting a rifle into the air, it would have been less surprising.

The race car driver Arie and Emily snuggle with an afghan on the beach in Bermuda. It must be Winter there. They make out and there is slurping. I would say that Arie is going to win the Bachelorette at this point. Emily is kind of really into him. The kissing is a bit much. I mean, can’t they lower the volume on the slurping? Do I need to hear slurping? If there was no slurping, would people write letters and send angry texts to ABC? Was there a test group who previewed the season in one of those rooms with a two-sided mirror and the guys in lab coats on the other side of the mirror monitored their vital signs and indicated an increase in pleasure lobes of the brain when slurping sounds were registered?

When Arie is done cleaning out Emily’s teeth, Jef with 1 ‘f’ takes her back down to the beach. She brings the same blanket she used to cuddle with Arie. They have a conversation and I’m getting annoyed with how little drama is taking place. Jef didn’t make out with her and Emily told the camera that she was disappointed that Jef with 1 ‘f’ didn’t make out with her. That’s not really dramatic. It’s kind of just pointless and stupid.

Emily goes back up to wherever the hell this party is taking place so she can hang with the Ryan the evil personal trainer. This is a great opportunity for Ryan to further steal the villain status away from Kalon. Kalon hasn’t every spoken in weeks. I hardly remember him. He’s fading away while Ryan slimes his way to the top of the ‘hate’ scale. Ryan pushes some of Emily’s buttons and complains about her slurping around with Arie. Thank you for reading down this far.

We are treated to this gem of a quote from Ryan:

“There’s a lot of depth here to who I am. I’m not here to impress you… but to make an impression upon you.”

Emily gives Jef with 1 ‘f’ the rose despite his hair. Then, they watch fireworks and the guys act impressed by fireworks.

The next day, Emily counts chickens with her daughter and then takes two guys out on a date so she can dump one of them while he’s eating dinner. She takes them to the Bermuda triangle. They call it ‘The Bermuda Love Triangle’. I’ll bet you didn’t see that coming did you? Wolf and Nate are the ones chosen for this pointless journey because neither of them is winning this game show.

Back at the Hotel, Doug and Chris argue over who is more mature. It gets heated. There is finally a little drama.

Emily and Wolf and Nate ride a boat out to some rocks and then jump off of them. You’re not falling in love on the Bachelor/Bachelorette unless you’re climbing or jumping off of something. Here are some quotes to explain exactly how amazing a day it is.

Nate- “I’m excited.”

Emily- “I’m excited for today.”

Nate- “I’m excited.”

Wolf- “I’m pumped.”

Leave it to ‘Wordsmith’ Wolf to shake things up with the saucy language. They eat dinner in a cave. Emily takes the guys aside, one by one. In their conversation, Nate mentions his family and then starts to cry a little. Emily takes him back to the table and dumps him. Wolf gets the rose.

At the cocktail party, Jef with 1 ‘f’ feels secure enough with his rose to wear a suit coat, shorts and light blue socks pulled up to his knees. I have no idea what is supposed to happen with clothes, but that looks like a risk.

Ryan the evil personal trainer pulls Emily aside to say arrogant things and then says more arrogant things to the camera to further his evil status. Ryan has figured out at this point that he isn’t interested enough in Emily to fight so he’s going out with the chance to make it to this summer’s Bachelor Pad roster.

Arie interrupts their talk to go into the other room and grope. Sean the giant Religious guy takes a turn at swallowing Emily’s face. They fix the camera on these two for a solid minute and 38 eight seconds of face sucking. The scene makes ‘Monster’s Ball’ seem tame on the awkward scale.

The drama-meter final pings when Chris pulls Doug the Dad aside to yell at him for talking about age earlier. I’m so tired. There really isn’t much said. They don’t like each other. Chris is pretty drunk. I’m so mad that they don’t fight. No one ever fights on this show. We can’t get one punch? We do get this exchange:

Chris- “I don’t believe you.”

Doug the Dad- “Believe what?”

Chris- “Believe you in general.”

The music chosen for this apocalyptic exchange is an intense violin coupled with intense bass drums. You would think the British were coming back.

Chris Harrison earns his check by interviewing Emily before the Rose Ceremony. She talks a lot. She says she doesn’t like Ryan but then, minutes later, she doesn’t dump Ryan because producers don’t let her dump Ryan because he’s the evil personal trainer and Kalon isn’t pulling his weight as the villain.

I literally scream laughter during the Rose Ceremony when they show the guy with the pony tail. He hasn’t been shown for the entire two-hour episode. I have no idea what his name is. I haven’t heard him say a word this season but he has made it this far. I forget he exists every week. Emily ruins the fun by dumping him and the Charlie guy who cried in the minivan. Both Charlie and pony-tail guy go out into the Bermuda rain to cry about being dumped by an empty woman they’ve known for a week.

This show is awful. Alejandro the Mushroom farmer is still alive and I haven’t even had a chance to mention him yet. He’s a mushroom farmer. Next week, they go to London and one of the guys yells out, “Hello London”. Buckle up, America.