Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Bachelor Recap- Lay Down Your Arms and Surrender to K-Pop

KoreJuan Selfie
I don’t know about you guys but I’m going to go about the rest of my life pretending like last night’s live televised wedding between Sean and Catherine never happened.

Nope. There was no wedding. I don’t even know who Sean or Catherine are. And I certainly have no recollection of the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’ being uttered thousands of times with no recourse. Not at all. Nada.

Anyway, back in the real world, Juan Pablo and his 13 girlfriends are in South Korea. Is that safe? Is Korea okay? Not that anyone would take any of these vapid people hostage. Hell, Korea might pay us to take them back! I… have no ideal what I’m talking about.

Before the show, some announcer guy for ABC says, “It’s the Bachelor… Juandome-style.”  I don’t think that he knows what he’s talking about either.

The episode preview sets the stage for boredom. Girls are starting to manufacture feelings for their Latin washboard, opera singers are singing, Koreans are Koreaning and contestants are beginning to discover who is here for the wrong reasons. WE’VE REACHED THE ‘WRONG REASONS’ PORTION OF THE BACHELOR SEASON!!!!

If you’re new to the show, every year one of the girls/guys act stupid and the rest of the girls/guys hate them and complain that they’re here for the wrong reasons. It’s a tradition not unlike singing ‘Take me out to the ballgame’ during the 7th inning stretch at Wrigley.

We begin with footage of Juan Pablo cuddling with his daughter, Camila, and complaining that he’s unhappy that he has to leave her while he travels to South Korea to find her a mother and sister/brother breeding partner. ABC really hammers home how good of a father he is. He even hugs his parents. Then, Juan Pablo fixes his daughter’s wedgie. I’m not making that up. It’s literally the opposite of ‘Grown Sexy’.

Chris Harrison walks into the girl’s room and lays down the rules. There are two group dates and one Juan-on-Juan date where a girl can be instantly dumped. He then springs on them the news that they’re traveling to South Korea and the girls all scream. They jump around and hug each other like they’re not all dating the same guy. I met a guy at the mall who wanted to sleep with my wife. We’re super tight. We hang out constantly. It’s easy to get along with guys who want to date and sleep with my wife. I do it all of the time.

Claire says that she’s “Over the moon!” about going to Korea. She keeps saying it. Then, she claps. I’m not a Claire fan.

Juan Pablo arrives in Korea and looks around. Cameras capture him walking around and thinking about love. The girls arrive and scream some more. There’s a lot of screaming in the first 10 minutes of this episode.

Producers help us target Nikki as the bad girl for now by showing her complaining about having to share her boyfriend. She wants to be alone with Juan Pablo. How dare she?
ABC plays dramatic, sinister music as she complains about group-dating. Imagine the nerve of a girl NOT wanting to share her boyfriend with a bunch of other attractive women? I can’t. It’s disgusting.

Commercial break: I really like the Ellen Degeneres Oscar promo. It’s a lot of fun.

We’re back in South Korea. Keep up! Juan Pablo is still walking and thinking about love. He’s explaining what K-Pop is. It’s Korean Pop music like Gangnam style. I know Gangnam from those Pistachio commercials. Juan Pablo says that K-Pop is taking over America. I would personally join the army to stop that from happening. If I had the choice between K-Pop taking over America and pressing a button to launch nuclear missiles at my own home, I’m pressing that button. Over my dead body, K-Pop.

Is it not clear why K-Pop is taking over?
Nikki complains some more. She’s such a bitch, ugh!

Juan Pablo gathers the girls and talks more about K-Pop. They’re gonna dance with 21, which is a super big Korean group. He leads the girls, on tippy-toes, into a studio like they’re going to be super surprised by the Korean Pop group they’ve never heard of. ABC taser units jolt the girls to make them act surprised and delighted by the sight of 21.

Oh, I’ve just been corrected. 21 is spelled ‘2NE1’. Get it? Two-n-ee-one? Korea is crazy! No wonder K-Pop is taking over America. Nikki spells it out for me by saying, “2NE1 is huge. Their video has 77 million views… million… that’s a lot.”

2NE1 is a group of very cute women who dance. ABC makes all of the girls dance. It’s boring. 2NE1 teaches them to dance. Kat says that her childhood dream was to be a back-up dancer. What a terrible childhood dream?!! That’s like dreaming to be the back-up quarterback for the Super Bowl Champ. (Sports quota filled)

2NE1 invites the white girls to dance on stage with them at a live show. Kat gets to live her dream. Nikki says this is her worst nightmare and that she’s going to poop her pants. This Nikki girl is really growing on me. I kind of like her.

This looks like a nice mall.
The girls put on shoes and hats and prepare to dance. 47 different people tell me again how 2NE1 is the biggest K-Pop group in Korea. Everyone is contractually obligated to not go more than 4 seconds without saying the word ‘K-Pop’. It’s almost catching up to ‘Grown Sexy’ as my least favorite thing to hear.

The girls dance and there’s dancing. It looks like they’re in a Korean mall or something. Sure, the biggest K-Pop group would certainly play a mall.

The dancing continues. Nikki complains. 2NE1 does their K-Pop thang. It’s K-Poppy. Kat dances well and is all over the place. The other girls are mad at her for being good at K-Pop. They think she should be more into Juan Pablo than K-Pop. Look, a girl can’t help when K-Pop comes calling. You need to follow your dream, Kat! I’m going to start calling it Kat-Pop.
While this is all going on, there’s a crawl on the bottom of my screen announcing that all of the schools in Buffalo are closed tomorrow. How are kids supposed to learn about K-Pop if there is no school? We might as well just lie down and let K-Pop take over America.

Later, the group goes to a spa or something. They’ve all changed their clothes. They’re not carrying around knapsacks. Where do they keep their clothes? Those poor Bachelor interns have to carry around garment bags and prevent Juan Pablo’s girlfriends’ evening wear from becoming wrinkled.

Kat pulls Juan Pablo aside to tell him that her dad used to be an alcoholic. I smile knowing how Claire’s dad is watching this conversation about Kat’s dad from beyond the grave.

Kat cries because she hates being vulnerable. It’s her biggest fear. Juan Pablo says that his biggest fear is not being an example for his daughter. Well, I hope Camila doesn’t watch television.

After the ‘drunk dad’ talk, the girls act uncomfortable because they all hate Nikki. Nikki hates Kat and has made it clear. Danielle doesn’t feel like being caddy is a good example for Juan Pablo’s daughter, who she has never met.

Nikki talks to Juan Pablo for 3 minutes and then gushes about how much better they know each other. I hate this show. Nikki gets the group date rose as a reward for the 3 minutes they spent together. The rest of the girls spend some time hating Nikki.

Back at the Seoul hotel, Sharleen the opera singer learns that she has the Juan-on-Juan date. She acts less than thrilled, so the rest of the girls hate Sharleen. There’s so much hate in this episode.

Before their date, we get some footage of Juan Pablo in his Korean shower. He picks up Sharleen for their big fun Korean date. I’m hoping for less K-Pop. They walk around eating food and trying on clothes. It’s thrilling. My voice gets hoarse from screaming. Sharleen likes Juan Pablo.

Grown Sexy make-out session
He brings her to a place to sing opera. Sharleen gets mad because she doesn’t want to sing. Juan Pablo doesn’t take ‘No’ for an answer. Sharleen sings. There’s singing. I listen to it. It’s hardly K-Pop. Then, they make out. There’s slurping.

Next, they eat some more on TV. Juan Pablo asks Sharleen how many kids she wants. It’s a perfectly normal conversation for two people to have on television on their 1st date. Sharleen admits she hasn’t thought a lot about having kids. The music gets super dramatic. I get nervous. We all get nervous, admit it.

Despite the fact that she admits that she hates kids, Juan Pablo gives her a rose. I breathe a huge sigh of relief. We all do, admit it. Juan Pablo makes out with Sharleen, even though she spells her name that way. It’s Grown Sexy.

The next group date is next. Juan Pablo says, “It’s getting crazy in Korea.” He’s right. It’s super crazy. They go to a Karaoke apartment to sing Karaoke. I’m amazed because I didn’t think it was possible for me to hate this show more. It’s like when that car fell on a kid and his mother was able to somehow find the strength to lift the car off of her child. That’s how much the expansion of my propensity for hate has surprised me. It came out of nowhere. I’m hating at super-human levels.

More stuff happens on the date like paddle boats. Eventually, they all arrive at place where fish eat the dead skin off of your feet. It’s Grown Sexy. There’s a bunch of screaming and laughing. It’s super fun. You guys had fun, admit it. I’ll bet Claire’s dad enjoyed it.

Later they eat octopus. Claire says the eating octopus is the “epitome of my fears”. My biggest fear is falling off the back of a cruise ship and getting sucked into the giant turbines but, yeah, octopus is gross.

Kelly is mad that Claire ate a tiny piece of octopus. She says, “I know you’ve had bigger things in your mouth than that.” You guys, she was totally using innuendo! Grow up, Kelly.

This date keeps going on. They drink at an outdoor Korean lounge or something. Why do all of these cocktail parties happen outside?

Juan Pablo doesn’t kiss Renee. He says he doesn’t want to set a bad example for his daughter. Four seconds later, he grabs Andi and takes her away and doesn’t kiss her. Next, he doesn’t kiss Lauren, even though she begs him to kiss her. Lauren cries about getting rejected because she really cares for Juan Pablo and doesn’t want him to end up with the wrong person. That seems rational.

The rest of the girls on the group date sit in a circle and discuss whether or not they each should kiss the man they’re all dating. It’s Grown Sexy.

Claire and Juan Pablo talk about eating octopus. Seriously, why are you reading this? Juan Pablo makes out with Claire. I thought he was a good father? I’m sure the three girls he rejected 12 minutes ago will enjoy watching this episode. Juan Pablo gives the group date rose to Andi. He doesn’t make out with her.

At the cocktail party (ANOTHER COCKTAIL PARTY!) the girls produce more drama. Nikki is confronted by Claire about drama and being wrong for Juan Pablo. It’s dramatic. ABC chooses a score of music that would be used to set the scene for runaway train scene. The claws come out. Claire’s dad watches. It’s Grown Sexy.
There’s a bunch of talking. I sit through the talking because I’ve lost the will to live. Chris Harrison saves me by coming out and ending the cocktail party. What happened to the dog? They didn't bring the dog to Korea??!!!!

The rose ceremony is next. Juan Pablo dumps two of his girlfriends. Lauren and Elise have to go back to the United States and wait for K-Pop to come and take over. Hopefully, they make it over to the Bachelor Mansion to feed that dog.

When Juan Pablo refused to kiss Lauren and she cried, he said, “You have to trust me.” I didn’t think he meant that he was going to dump her. It’s a great example for Camila, get a girl to trust you and then dump her. I’m not sure though. I’m not Venezuelan.

Next week, the group goes to Vietnam.

Greg Bauch recaps the Bachelor. If you missed the recap of the worst two hours in television history, click here.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Live Bachelor Wedding Recap- Follow Along with a Man's Torture

Dear Honored Guest,

Greetings! You are cordially invited to celebrate with us the wedding of big religious Sean and his reality TV girlfriend Catherine. In lieu of a gift, please forgive us for the sins we have committed against humanity, namely tonight’s televised wedding.

We know how awful it is but, we can’t help ourselves. Your wife keeps watching this shit. We could probably do a ‘Bachelor Dog’ special, fixing up an English mastiff with a beagle and televise their dog wedding and she’d watch it. That’s more on you than us.

Anyway, we hope to show you some sideboob or something to get you through this. Also, when God comes back to judge the living and the dead, do us a solid and don’t mention how we straight-up tortured the shit out of your eyes for two full hours. We’d appreciate you looking the other way.

                                                            Thanks a tonnage!
                                                            Your friends at ABC!

That’s the letter I never got from ABC prior to tonight’s live televised nuptial-a-thon. No one apologized to me. Not even an email. I would settle for a Facebook poke. Nothing. 

Instead, we got a live wedding broadcast. When I hit the info button on my remote control, it says that Sean and Catherine’s wedding was on from 8 p.m. to 10:01 p.m.

10:01 p.m!

They couldn’t cram this crap into 120 minutes. Those selfish bastards absolutely had to have that extra minute. It’s is going to kill me. You guys can have all of my stuff.
Because I'm miserable, I've decided to rank torture methods in bold throughout the post. I hope you enjoy the distraction.

We start of with Chris Harrison calling it the most romantic television event of the year. They show us preview footage of a show that was supposed to be live. I’m not normally confused by this show but I’m confused.

Catherine tells a bunch of people that she wants her wedding to be grown sexy… or groan sexy. I’m not sure. She has the ‘groan’ part down. Apparently, she’s a virgin or something.

Harrison lays the rules down from the Four Seasons in California. The Four Seasons has been decorated with no less than 4 billion roses. I’m not exaggerating. There are 4 billion roses. We only have one hour and 58 minutes left!

Harrison hits play on the footage of Sean and Catherine’s televised journey together. Then, we’re treated to amateur camera footage of Sean and Catherine eating and shopping. We’ve just started and I’m already being tortured. There’s a little window in the corner of the screen that shows us important ‘live’ footage like Catherine standing around in a veil. I think CNN is simulcasting this.

Sean and Catherine talk while driving. ABC shows it. This is torture.

In ancient Greece, people would be placed into the belly of a giant bronze bull. A fire would be set beneath the bull, making the idol become white-hot. The victim would be roasted to death. The bull was designed to echo the victim’s screams, making it sound like the bellowing of a bull.d8880d34c323

Chris Harrison announces that Catherine has a glam squad.

In the 15th century, Vlad the Impaler used to hoist people up onto a pole and let their own body weight force them down the pole, killing them over a period of days.

ABC shows us footage of Sean and Catherine telling Sean’s family that they’ve decided to get married. There’s a ton of talking. They ask Sean’s dad, who is a minister or something, to officiate the wedding. He says ‘yes’ and everyone starts crying.

Sean says, “I’m just so excited to marry Catherine” for the 86th time in the last 20 minutes.

A thumb screw was a medieval device used to compress the body parts of defendants until the parts popped. The thumb screw was used to force confessions out of people.

Chris Harrison tells us again how Sean and Catherine are saving themselves for marriage. Catherine sits down with her wedding planner to explain “Grown Sexy”. She says it’s a mixture of sophistication and sexy. She wants everyone at her wedding to feel sexy. Technically, I’m at the wedding and I don’t feel sexy, much less ‘Grown Sexy’.
While two women talk more about wedding stuff, ABC squeezes in their ‘Honeymoon Suite’ cam, complete with Bachelor interns making the bed and fluffing pillows for their big ‘Grown Sexy’ Honeymoon.

When that’s over (it took 4 minutes!) Catherine explains ‘Grown Sexy’ to Sean. I listen to it.

The Judas Cradle was a pyramid-shaped device. Victims were stripped naked and forced to sit on top of the pyramid while ropes forced them down until their orifice was stretched and they were impaled. The victim would either die from the impalement or from infections caused by the unclean Judas Cradle.

Next, Catherine picks out her dress. I THOUGHT THIS WAS LIVE. They show her talking to a dress lady and then trying on dresses. She tries them on. Her friends laugh and coo. We watch. When she finds her dress, ABC plays the softest, emotionalest piano music you’ve ever heard. The dress lady calls it a body-conscious silhouette. I don’t know what that means.

Sean walks into a lingerie store and seriously just fuck this.

Fomfr_ketzergabelThe Heretics Fork was a strap wrapped around the victim’s neck with a sharp, bi-pronged fork attached. The fork was pointed directly towards the tissue on their chest and underneath their chin, so they were unable to sleep, eat, lower their head or get comfortable without stabbing themselves to death. After days of wearing a Heretics Fork, many people would kill themselves rather than endure the torture.

Sean and Catherine go to a cake store to decorate and play with cakes while Catherine talks about how playful and fun they are as a couple. They play-fight with their cakes and then Sean calls a truce and they kiss to seal the truce.

The rack was believed to be the most painful of all of the medieval torture devices. The victim’s arms and legs were tied to the top and bottom of a wooden plank. Wheels were turned to stretch the victim until their limbs were dislocated. The torturers would spin the wheels until the victim’s limbs were torn off from their body.

Sean hands Catherine her lingerie and they talk about all of the sex they’re going to have during their honeymoon. Five minutes later, we get live footage of Sean’s best man huddling the boys together to say a prayer.

Catherine announces that the happy couple is visiting a flower store to look at their wedding flowers. She uses the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’ again. They say ‘Grown Sexy’ 19 times.

The Rat Torture involved a box with one open side placed on a victim’s stomach. Rats were encased within the box. The box was then heated and the rats would panic and try to claw their way out of the box through the victim’s stomach.

Catherine reviews options with her makeup team and says ‘Grown Sexy’ a dozen more times. There is no way this woman doesn’t already have t-shirts with the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’ air-brushed across the front. If any of you ever say the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’ to me, I will involuntarily stab you.

Catherine explains to her friends how she’s a butterfly to Sean because they haven’t done it yet. ABC refrains from showing us the footage of Sean’s Fantasy Suite dates with his two runner-ups from his Bachelor season.

Republican Marriage was a torture method where a man and woman were stripped naked, tied together and then thrown into icy waters until they drowned. If icy waters weren’t available, the victims were simply stabbed while strapped together.

Catherine and her friends get together to go over her lingerie options. She’s getting pictures taken in her lingerie. She says ‘Grown Sexy’ one hundred more times.

The Breaking Wheel was also known as the Catherine Wheel. I’m not making that up. The Catherine Wheel was a torture device consisting of the victim’s limbs being tied to a large wooden wheel. The wheel would be spun and the victim’s limbs were bashed with an iron hammer. Once the victim’s limbs were broken in several places, they were left on the wheel to die and birds would feast on their flesh, often before they had passed on.

Catherine and Sean try on their rings. Chris Harrison sits down and has them tell America why they love each other. ABC shows us the Honeymoon Suite cam box again. I hope they forget to turn off that camera tonight.

Spanish-DonkeyThe Spanish Donkey was a sharp, wooden V-shaped device. Victims were stripped naked and made to straddle the device like they would a donkey. The torturer would continually add weights to the victim until the wedge device eventually cut through the victim’s body.

The live wedding is next. It’s basically a wedding. They show it. People walk up the aisle while romantic violin music plays. We’ve all been to weddings. No one enjoys them, at least not anybody with a penis. Sean and his dad smile. Four thousand people walk down the aisle. It’s just miles of people walking down and aisle while violins play. It never ends. Everyone is Grown Sexy, even Sean’s dad.

They show Catherine getting ready to come out. Her mom asks her how she feels and a producer asks them to be quiet.

The saw torture involved victims being strung up by ropes and sawed in half. The victims were hung upside down so the blood rushed to their head and they were able to stay alive during the sawing.

Catherine comes out and Sean starts bawling. The music they play is a weird, cool instrumental version of Michael Jackson’s ‘Human Nature’. The music is the only thing I don’t hate about tonight.

ABC has mic’d Sean and Catherine so we can hear their snot trying to escape their noses as they cry. Catherine is beautiful. My wife really likes both of them. I feel bad being a complete dick while sitting right next to a woman who really likes this whole wedding thing but, she doesn’t read these recaps.

Sean’s dad talks a ton. There is so much talking. They talk about love. At no point during his salvo does Sean’s dad use the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’. What the hell kind of wedding service is this? It’s certainly not Grown Sexy.

ABC cameras cut to their other “success” stories, including the awful Jason Mesnick and the equally terrible Trista. I dislike them. Even my wife hates Jason Mesnick. I’m still working on getting her to hate Trista. I’ve got, at least, a few months before she leaves me.

ABC cuts to commercial. Chris Harrison promised that we won’t miss anything. I slam my foot down. He teases that we’re about to see the live wedding vows.

Here are the highlights of the vows:

Catherine - “The first time I saw you, you were like the light to my bug.”

“Every time I look up at you, my heart fills with love sprinkles” – That was my yearbook quote.

“Sometime, I feel like I’m going to explode.”

“I can’t wait to shine together and make everybody completely blind.”

Sean – “I know that we met on the Bachelor so that I could fall in love with my best friend.”

There are more words. All of the words are sweet. Everyone is crying. There are more words. People pledge love and loyalty. I feel bad for ever getting married and making people sit through it.

Sean’s dad won’t stop talking about God. He finally ends it with the whole ‘end’ thing. Sean and Catherine kiss. Sean does a laugh/ crying thing and we hear it because they’re mic’d. They kiss a bunch and NO ONE IS TURNING OFF THE MICROPHONES. THEY KEEP TALKING AND WE SHOULDN’T BE HEARING ANY OF THIS. LEAVE THEM ALONE!

Crocodile Shears were pincers shaped like a crocodile. These pincers would be heated and clamped onto various parts of the victim’s body. Torturers would use the Crocodile Shears to rip the flesh from their body.

The wedding is over. Chris Harrison is still talking. To my dismay, Sean and Catherine do not immediately run to the Honeymoon Suite for hot ‘Grown Sexy’ Honeymoon Suite cam action.

Chris Harrison teases reaction from Sean and Catherine’s guests. I die a lot.

Hanged, Drawn and Quartered was a torture method used as the penalty for high treason in England. The victim was dragged by horses through the streets to the execution site. They were then hanged until they were almost dead and then disemboweled and castrated in front of a crowd. After death, the victim was ‘quartered’ or cut into for separate pieces and beheaded.drawn-and-quartered

Harrison interviews Trista and Ryan and Trista talks. Her answer is only 8 seconds long but it takes forever. Before this abomination ends, Chris Harrison manages to say the phrase ‘Grown Sexy’ one more time.

ABC broadcasts a show called ‘The Bachelor’ where men and women date 25 people in hopes of finding true love while jumping off of buildings and into helicopters. There are fantasy suites and snot bubble make-out sessions. People sometimes are there for the wrong reasons.

My wife was disappointed that they didn’t show any of the reception. She said, “At least show us a silk chiffon cake or something!” I am very glad that no more cakes were shown. I might even say a prayer for no cakes.

I hope you enjoyed this live wedding recap. Other than the time my wife was really sick, this was the worst two-hour period of my life.

Greg Bauch died shortly after this was posted. Sorry if you knew him or whatever.

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Bachelor Recap - Love is Jeep Boats, Bungee Jumping and Threatening Boat Captains

Go Sports!
What the hell happened to the time? We’re already in week 3 of the worst Bachelor season in Bachelor history. (Editor’s note: Greg calls every season “the worst season.”)  Juan Pablo is in California, USA looking for a wife and a mother for his daughter and a breeding partner who will partake in, with him, sexual relations to produce an additional girl and brand new baby boy. This is the mission statement announced by Juan Pablo in episode 1. I’m not putting words in his mouth. I’m already typing too much. I’m in danger or having you not read this entire recap. I blame ABC.

Tonight was a particularly boring episode. Calling an episode of ‘The Bachelor’ boring is like calling a UFC fight violent. (Sports quota filled) 15 girls remain. We begin with preview footage of the 2-hour episode to come. I like the way ABC tells us what we’re going to watch instead of just allowing us to watch. This episode will mark the beginning of back-stabbing and displays of jealousy.

The action begins with the girls sitting around with their stupid dog. They’re all waiting for a date card. Nikki says, “On a scale of 1-to-10, I’m level ‘15’ ready to get out of this house and spend some time with Juan Pablo today.” Nikki is stupid. She set up an intensity scale with a low number of one and a high number of 10, and then stepped out of that range to post an ‘excited’ score of 15. It’s an incorrect value. Why bother posting a scale if you’re not going to stay within it? You can’t just make up your own rules! It’s math! On a scale of 1-to-10, I level ‘10’ hate Nikki.

Chris Harrison walks in with a tight shirt and lays down the rules. There will be two Juan-on-Juan dates and a group date. He drops off the date card. Cassandra gets the first Juan-on-Juan. The date card says, “Love is a wild ride.” So, there will be riding. Nowhere on the date card does it mention raking out my organs with a garden weasel. There must not have been room.

Cassandra has a kid and Juan Pablo promised to dump her as soon as possible, so the stakes are high. Before the date, a couple of ABC camera guys capture Juan Pablo innocently eating and playing in the park with his daughter. He’s a super good dad, you guys. They speak Spanish. ABC provides subtitles. Juan Pablo abandons his daughter to jump in a jeep with Cassandra.

We’re ready for anything because this show is crazy. They drive over a hill and stick their arms up. It looks fun. They’re having fun. It’s fun. OH MY GOD JUAN PABLO DRIVES INTO THE OCEAN!

It’s not a jeep, you guys. The jeep turns into a boat. ABC ditched helicopters for transformers. Juan Pablo and Cassandra ride around in their jeep boat and scream. They’re really getting to know each other.

Cassandra remarks that Juan Pablo is really in his element. His element is driving jeep boats. Noted. She’s got a ton of boobage hanging out of her life preserver. I’m assuming it’s the kind of scientifically altered boobage that renders a life preserver pretty useless but, I’m not judging. She’s entitled to whatever kind of boobage she wants. Let’s all just sit back and enjoy it. Also, let’s watch closely to see if she’s displaying good 'mother' skills.

ABC jumps back to the mansion to capture the other girls talking. Keep up! Elise tells a girl that her mother got sick and wrote a letter to the Bachelor to get her daughter on the show. ABC provides us with soft piano ‘Elise’s mom’s dying wish was to have her daughter date a piece of beef who is also dating 15 other women’ music. It’s endearing. They’re drinking giant glasses of alcohol while they discuss the finer points of destiny.

We jump back to the jeep boat. Juan Pablo and Cassandra talk to some other people on boats. They’re not talking to each other much. The young lovers ditch their jeep boat for a yacht. I was bored with the jeep boat anyway.

A caption informs us that Cassandra is a 21-year old former NBA dancer. How can a 21-year old be a former anything? Is she retired? Did she get too old to NBA dance? Is it like gymnastics?

Cassandra takes off her clothes to reveal a motherly bikini. They jump off of the yacht. It’s a splashy good time. 14 seconds later, they’re drinking in Juan Pablo’s house. Camila is at Juan Pablo’s parents’ house so we could get some ab grinding.

Cassandra is nervous. For the second time on this date she says, “There’s just so many things in my head right now.” I’m guessing those things are a shoe and a Marmaduke comic. Cassandra and Juan Pablo dance to terrible Venezuelan music. Neither of them is very good at dancing. Cassandra tells the camera that she has feelings and that she has built a connection with Juan Pablo. It must have been the jeep boat. Who couldn’t connect with someone on a jeep boat? How come you guys never answer my questions?

After dancing, Cassandra and Juan Pablo eat on TV. This is Cassandra’s first date since she was 18-years old. I guess her last date was miniature golf. They look at pictures of their kids. They talk and it’s hard to understand them. I’m bored. Juan Pablo hands Cassandra a rose and she accepts it. Then, they make out.

The next day, Juan Pablo gathers a bunch of his girlfriends together for a group date. First, he plays soccer with the LA Galaxy. There’s some soccer playing. It’s super sportsy. Guys, we’ve destroyed the sports quota.

The ten girls arrive at the soccer stadium all decked out in casual wear. The girls watch Juan Pablo play. They’re all impressed by his sweat. He hugs a bunch of them to share his sweat. He then announces that the girls are going to play soccer too! ABC is pretty smart. Who would have guessed a soccer tie-in? I hope, in an upcoming season, the Bachelor is a brain surgeon and they have all of the girls perform brain surgery while wearing evening wear.

The girls practice soccer. There’s a lot of soccer. The girls change into soccer uniforms for more soccer. It’s red versus blue. The girls are wearing eye black. My interest level in the show has increased exponentially. I’m kind of a big fan of eye black on women. On a scale of 1-to-10, I’d rate any woman in eye black as a 10, the highest possible grade in the predetermined scale.

Ladies! Eye Black! All of the time! Do it!
The opera singer gets kicked in the face a couple of times. There’s a ton of yelling. Goals are scored. There’s more kicking. This recap is coming dangerously close to becoming a sports article.

Juan Pablo joins the blue team and they still lose. When the soccer playing is over, they drink alcohol on the field and then shower and then drink more alcohol. The girls have all removed their eye black. A part of me dies.

Nikki pulls Juan Pablo aside to explain who she is. Nikki tells Juan Pablo that she’s scared of being hurt. He tells her to stop being afraid. ABC plays ‘Don’t be afraid’ soft guitar music. Nikki and Juan Pablo really bond in their 4 minutes together. They hug.

Andi and Juan Pablo break into one of the stadium concession stands to steal food. She’s an assistant district attorney so, I’m assuming she’ll get fired. They sneak into the kitchen and make out. Their make out violates three different health codes. Neither of them is wearing a hair net for their make-out session.

Back at the mansion, Chelsie finds out that she gets the next Juan-on-Juan date. Elise will be the only girl to not get a date this week. If only her mom had written TWO letters before she died. Elise takes it well. She tells the camera that Chelsie is stupid and not ready to be a mom. The fun begins.

We’re back at the soccer stadium. Keep up! There’s a bunch of talking. Juan Pablo takes Sharleen the opera singer to the middle of the soccer field and they lay on a blanket. The ABC blanket intern makes sure that the blanket is properly laid out. Juan Pablo tells Sharleen how classy she is. He then teaches her the Spanish word for classy. Now, we’re all learning. Then, they make out. The rest of the girls watch them make out from their seats in the arena. Some of them cry.

Juan Pablo gives the group date rose to Nikki, even though she didn’t make out with him. Nikki does a white girl dance to celebrate her rose. It’s white. The two girls who just made out with Juan Pablo obsess over whether or not they’re bad kissers.

Before the commercial, we get a great teaser quote from a girl I don’t recognize, “Juan Pablo’s head was in her crotch for, like, 20 minutes.” So, we have that to look forward to.

After the commercial, Chelsie, a 24-year old science educator, gets her Juan-on-Juan date. What the hell is a science educator? Do they mean ‘science teacher’? ‘Cause I’ve heard of science teachers. 'Science educator' sounds culty.

Juan Pablo arrives at the hussy hotel to pick up Chelsie. First he apologizes to Elise because she doesn’t have a date. Elise is a first grade teacher. Why isn’t she a first grade educator?

Juan Pablo and Chelsie jump in the car. They listen to more horrible Venezuelan music. They dance in the car. Juan Pablo sings. I look for grenades to jump on. Chelsie and Juan Pablo eat Venezuelan food on TV. The eating is good because it gives Juan Pablo an excuse not to talk.

Juan Pablo tells the camera how important trust is in a relationship. Then, he drives Chelsie to a bridge so they can bungee jump. This frickin' show. ABC is completely obsessed with the idea that two people cannot find love unless they are forced to jump off of a bridge or a building. It makes less sense than jeep boats.
Chelsie sees what’s happening and freaks out a little. She’s not a fan of risking her life. What an idiot. Guy Fieri is their bungee jumping safety instructor, for some reason.

They get ready to jump off of a bridge to help determine whether or not Chelsie can be a good mother. I believe that the first thing they do in Lamaze class is jump off of a bridge. There’s that and breathing exercises.

Chelsie begins to cry because she’s terrified. Juan Pablo consoles her by saying, “Let’s just do this.” He’s such a gentleman. Juan Pablo doesn't present Chelsie with the option of not jumping off of the bridge. She clearly does not want to jump off of the bridge. I guess we now know things work in Venezuela now… and Rochester.

Chelsie starts to cry so Juan Pablo tells her she doesn’t have to jump. Chelsie says, “Once I realized how sincere he was in giving me both options, I realized that I could trust him.” First off all, that doesn’t make any sense. Second, you should be more worried about trusting the bungee cord than Juan Pablo. All of the greased Venezuelan abs in the world can’t help you if the cord lets you down.
This helmet should protect me from a 200-ft. drop!
Eventually, Juan Pablo and Guy Fieri wear Chelsie down and they jump off of the bridge. There’s a bunch of screaming. ABC plays some heavy adult contemporary guitar while Chelsie and Juan Pablo swing around. When they’re done swinging, they make out. They are wearing helmets. That’s a good idea. A helmet should help. Wearing a helmet on a bungee jump makes about as much sense as wearing a snorkel on a trip to space. What the hell is a helmet going to do, make it more convenient to clean up your spilt brains?

Chelsie says, “I’ve never had a first kiss hanging upside down off a bridge.” That was my yearbook quote. Chelsie equates jumping off of a bridge to having kids. This all seems normal.

This tortuous date still isn’t over. I’ve fallen asleep three times. The happy couple arrives at City Hall or something. They eat more food on TV. Chelsie thanks Juan Pablo for making her jump off of a bridge.
They talk about their biggest fears and career goals. Did you know that rain forests are responsible for 28% of the world’s oxygen turnover, and that the phrase “oxygen production” is sometimes incorrectly used in reference to this statistic? This has nothing to do with the Bachelor. I just figured that, when discussing something with absolutely no redeeming value, you’d like to actually learn something so you didn’t feel like stepping in front of a bus. I think about stepping in front of buses sometimes. Would it hurt, or would it kill you so quick that your brain wouldn’t have time to tell your body about the pain? Is anyone still reading this?

Back at the mansion, Elise continues to tell anyone who will listen that Chelsie is too immature to be a mother. Apparently, I’m willing to listen because I hear all of it.
2010 Keith Urban & Friends We're All For The Hall Benefit Concert - Show
Boat Captain Threatener!
We’re back at the televised dinner. Keep up! Juan Pablo gives Chelsie a rose. He says that she’s fun and cares about people. I’m not sure at what point she demonstrated care for people but, I’m not from Venezuela.

The young lovers rush over to attend a stupid private Billy Currington concert. I opened up Google to make sure I was getting Billy Currington’s name correct and the first result was a picture of his mug shot from an arrest that occurred when he allegedly threatened a boat captain. Who threatens a boat captain?

Chelsie is enjoying her awkward private concert from the boat captain threatener. There’s a lot of white dancing. Chelsie says, “There are just no words for how perfect of a day that it was today. No words.” I think, maybe, the word for perfect is ‘perfect’. Again, I’m not Venezuelan, nor have I ever threatened a boat captain. Juan Pablo says that Chelsie is wife material based on their white dancing and bridge jumping. I don’t argue.

After the commercial break, Juan Pablo sneaks into the mansion to make the girls breakfast. He says that he wants to surprise his 15 girlfriends before they have a chance to wear make-up. He says, “Its real life.” You’re right, Juan Pablo. Real life is making a Venezuelan breakfast for your 15 girlfriends in a network TV-provided mansion just after your private concert from a boat captain threatener and mere hours before a rose ceremony during which time you’ll dump a couple of your girlfriends. It’s so much like real life, it’s almost clichĂ©.

Some girl named Kelly brings her dog out to poop and freaks out because she’s not wearing makeup. One of the camera guys zooms in on the dog pooping. There’s a ton of freaking out over the ‘no make-up’ thing.
The girls eat their breakfast and scream because Juan Pablo is a good father. Juan Pablo says, “I do like pleasing people”, yet he continues to do this show.

Juan Pablo announces that there’s going to be a pool party instead of a cocktail party. It’s super fun. The girls prep for the pool party. ABC gives me 38 solid seconds of lotion being applied to breasts. They don’t even show the faces. Shame on you, ABC. Also, thank you.

There’s a ton of splashing and screaming. Kat gets on Juan Pablo’s shoulders and he buries his head into her crotch, leading to the crotch quote. The rest of the girls get mad at Kat and her crotch. I wish this paragraph could just float across space in giant yellow letters like the opening of ‘Star Wars’.

Kelly says, “You need to be more considerate because there are 14 other girls and you look like a whore.” It’s nice to finally find out what whorish behavior is. Until now, no standard had been set.

There’s angry talk and judgmental behavior. The claws come out. Girls sit on couches and complain. I’m bored. The opera singer girl cries on Juan Pablo. She snots and stuff. Then, she makes out with Juan Pablo. It’s a snotty make out session. Those are the worst kinds.

The women who hired agents and fought to appear on a reality TV show where they would date a man who is also dating 24 additional women complain about Juan Pablo making out with other girls in their mansion.
At the end of the next commercial break, Channel 7 runs a billboard that talks about honoring the legacy of Martin Luther King Jr. That is immediately followed by two girls in bikinis crying in the bathroom of their mansion over their boyfriend making out with one of his 15 girlfriends.

The rose ceremony is next. Juan Pablo dumps Lucy the free spirit girl and someone else I do not recognize. What did these girls expect? They didn’t even jump off of a bridge with Juan Pablo. They’re not ‘mother’ material.

Cristy cries a lot and talks about how hard it is to say goodbye to the guy she knew for eight seconds.
My friend Megan informs me that Miss free spirit is carrying a pair of $2,500 shoes with her during her exit. This is the kind of fantastic insight you’ve come to expect from my recaps. No wonder she went shoeless the first week. She was saving money to afford these puppies.

Some of you (one person) have asked why I’m not recapping the Sunday night crap ABC has been airing. It’s because there isn’t enough alcohol in the world. I’ve been informed that I’m contractually obligated to recap next week’s wedding between Sean and Catherine. As a trade-off, I’m told I’m allowed to swear so, you all have that to look forward to on Monday. Until then, be well and watch for buses. Wink.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Bachelor Recap- Moms Should Take Nude Pictures to be Considered Good Moms

Future mom pictured above

Juan Pablo still doesn’t have a mother for his child, or an additional boy and girl. ABC is taking care of all that. They’ve given Juan Pablo 17 girlfriends. One of these ladies will be that special maternal influence that young Camila, needs. It’s a beautiful, natural process. It’s the Bachelor.

We’ve met the women, and have already grown to hate a couple of them. The rest of the hate will come in good time. Please be patient with your hate. You have all season to hate. Don’t go jumping the gun on hatred. Get to know a girl before you just hate all willy-nilly.

This week, Juan Pablo begins to date his girlfriends. There will be a pair of one-on-one dates and a group date on tonight’s episode.

We start with a dog swimming in the pool. That’s great for your filter. The girls sit around and talk about how excited they are to see Juan Pablo again. I don’t know anyone’s name yet. It’s early. I’m like a duckling turning into a swan.

Juan Pablo walks in to pick up Clare for the first date. I don’t know if I missed something but, normally, everyone’s favorite pimp Chris Harrison strolls in to lay down the rules. There was no Harrison. Is he hurt? Did Chris Harrison tear an ACL while warning someone they were down to their final rose? They went straight to the date. They should pace themselves. They have 2 hours to fill and the main star of the show can’t talk.

Anyway, Juan Pablo picks up Clare for the first Juan-on-Juan date. He’s wearing a sweatshirt and jeans, so we can tell that he can totally be laid back and down to Earth. Clare says, “I know this is crazy but, this could be my first date with my future husband.” That is cray-cray, Clare.

Juan Pablo puts a blindfold on Clare to surprise her. It’s romantic. Just in case you guys at home are ever going to try this, have abs. If you have abs and you blindfold a girl, it’s romantic. If you don’t have abs and you blindfold a girl, it’s super rapey. 11 years of recapping ‘The Bachelor’, by the way, and my computer still doesn’t think ‘rapey’ is a word.

The date card said, “Let’s chill.” I hope that means Juan Pablo is going to throw Clare into a bathtub of ice after taking out her kidney.

Juan Pablo and the blind Clare pull up to a park with snow IN CALIFORNIA! There’s no snow in California! SCREAMS!!!!!!11!!11!!1!!ELEVENTY!

They sled while ABC plays the same music they played when ET made Eliot’s bike fly. There’s more sledding. Clare says, “I feel like this is the perfect fairy tale. This is unreal. This is unreal.” So guys, blindfold her and take her sledding…. Also, have abs.

Back at the house, some girl named Lucy is skinny dipping in front of everyone. I guess she’s that free spirit girl. Luckily, ABC has black bars to cover her free spirited bosom.

This is magic, you guys.
We’re back on the snow date. KEEP UP! The two young lovers play hide and seek in the snow. It’s adorable, and boring. Clare says, “I haven’t felt this alive because of a man in a long, long, long, long time.” That’s, like, days. She also says, “Juan Pablo makes me feel like a kid again.” Hey, I wonder if the last time a man made her feel alive was when she was a kid? Okay, now I’m completely creeped out.

There’s amateur ice skating. They’re not even good at it. Clare keeps falling. Get some talent. Clare says that she’s 100% open to opening herself up. That doesn’t make sense. Clare is about as good at logic than she is at ice skating. She’s excited tough and can’t wait to see what else is to come. The nice thing about dating the Bachelor is, the fun never ends. You have fake snow dates for the rest of your lives. It’s always magical. You never stand in Home Depot and argue over light fixtures. It’s always fake snow and bliss.

Back at the mansion, a dog brings in a date card. Where the hell did the dog come from? Did they replace Chris Harrison with a dog? Does the dog talk? Can the dog tell people how many roses are left? Kat has the next Juan-on-Juan date.

Clare and Juan Pablo are in a hot tub in the snow. Keep up! Clare talks about her dad while rubbing Juan Pablo’s back. I hope Clare’s dad is watching from heaven. Clare is wearing a dead dad necklace and she talks about it. I can’t remember if Clare is the girl who carries around the dead dad DVD, but I’m guessing it’s her. I could just read back last week’s recap but that would require effort. (Okay, I checked. It’s her.)

Because she had the courage to talk about her dead dad, Juan Pablo gives Clare a rose. Clare tells the camera that she’s falling for Juan Pablo. HOLY CRAP THAT’S EARLY! Even by ‘Bachelor’ standards, that’s early. You don’t go with “falling” until week 4, at the earliest. This girl is bat-crap crazy. We end the date with a creepy personal concert from Josh Crajick? Project? I don’t know his name but he plays guitar and sings for Clare and Juan Pablo while they slow dance in the snow, wearing swim trunks. Then, they make out.

All of the sudden, ABC makes it snow. Clare talks more about how her dad wanted her to be happy and how he’s watching her dance half-naked in the snow and make out with a man she’s known for 14 minutes who is also dating 16 other women.

The next day, Kat gets her date. One of Juan Pablo’s other girlfriends acts excited for Kat. This other girl is genuinely happy that Kat will be alone with her boyfriend. Who wouldn’t be?

Juan Pablo picks up Kat and doesn’t blindfold her. What’s the point? It’s another surprise, though. They drive to a private jet. ABC has ditched helicopters for private jets. Luckily, no one in the world is starving.
They jump into their jet without passing through customs or security. What if Kat is a terrorist? What if she trained in ‘Bachelor contestant’ sleeper cells, learning the tricks to getting on the show and securing Juan-on-Juan dates for the sole purpose of boarding planes without having to pass through security so she can sneak on box cutters and commandeer the jet to commit murder/suicide on US soil? Thanks, ABC. I’m glad you don’t care about my family.

Juan Pablo and Kat goof around in their jet. It’s totally goofy. They goof a ton. Juan Pablo changes into a track suit for some reason. He gives Kat glowing clothes. They’re so goofy!

They land in Utah. ABC planned a big rave. There are raves in Utah? Who knew? It can’t be a good rave. It’s something called ‘The Electric Run’. People scream, wave glow sticks and run. They run 5K. That’s a lot of running for a first date. I normally only make my first dates run 3K, tops. What if Kat has asthma?

Juan Pablo and Kat dance and run. There’s dancing and running. We see it. I suppose Clare’s dad is watching Kat and Juan Pablo as well. I don’t know how much access heaven gives dead dads. I never read that far into the bible.

Juan Pablo tells the camera that Kat is a good sport and that is what he is looking for. I thought he was looking for a mother for his daughter and then two additional kids. He’s needy.

Juan Pablo gives Kat a rose. Clare’s dad sees it.

The group date is next. A bunch of Juan Pablo’s girlfriends get into a limo. Kelly says, “The date card says ‘Say cheese.’ I would assume it’s a photo shoot, but maybe it’s eating cheese. I’m good at both.” Kelly’s occupation is ‘Dog Lover’. I hear there’s money in that.

13 girls pile out of the limo to hug Juan Pablo. Clare’s dad watches. They walk into a warehouse full of cameras and bikinis. It’s a photo shoot. There’s no cheese. They’re taking pictures for charity. A guy with a blue beard tells the girls that they’re going to take pictures with dogs. I’ll bet Kelly is stoked. She’s a dog lover.

“There was some sex, there was a lot of pooping, and there was a lot of disorder.” – Lucy
The pictures are for ‘Models and Mutts’. They stole my idea. The girls get made up to match dogs.
Throughout the course of the group date, Juan Pablo says three words. He dug deep to come up with three words. This guy is not so much with the word makin’.

Elise, a first grade teacher, is asked to pose for pictures wearing nothing but a sandwich board. It’s a nude photo shoot. Andi, the assistant DA is also asked to take her clothes off on national TV. The blue beard guy says, “Trust me, you’ll be fine.” It’s more rapey than the blindfold thing.

This naked photo shoot thing is great. It really displays the core values that Juan Pablo is looking for. You can’t find a mother for your daughter if you don’t ask potential candidates to dispose of their dignity for a rose. Any woman who desires to be a mother needs to take her clothes off to pose with a dog. How else would you know a good mother? Screw nurturing and kind hearts, if she’s won’t show off her hoo-has, she’s not fit to raise your daughter!

My parents once told me the story about the time they fell in love. My dad brought her to a photo shoot and asked her to take her clothes off for naked pictures.  52 years later, they’re still together!

I feel good about Camila, Juan Pablo’s daughter, watching this from home. I hope she’s rooting for the naked ladies to end up as her mother. I know Clare’s dad is watching now.

The photo shoot happens. Andi and Elise freak out over their impending nakedness. It’s dramatic. There’s drama. Elise doesn’t want to be a bad role model to her students so she asks blue beard guy if something can be done about the naked thing. He basically tells her to shut up and get naked. I’m assuming you didn’t watch the show so you’re just going to have to trust me on this. That is what happened. It’s heart warming.

Elise takes matter into her own hands and switches costumes with Lucy, the free spirit girl who likes being naked. Once again, ABC’s black bars save America from the nakedness.

There are pictures. Some of the girls kiss Juan Pablo while his other girlfriends and Clare’s dad watch.
Andi still doesn’t want to get naked. Juan Pablo goes over to convince her everything is okay. He does not tell her that it’s okay to NOT take her clothes off. After all, he needs to find a mother. He’s a gentleman.
Juan Pablo agrees to get naked as well. Double nakedness!

ABC plays soft music as Juan Pablo, Andi and Lucy get naked. It’s heartfelt nakedness. The other girls talk about how magnanimous they are for using nakedness to get dogs adopted. It’s naked for a good cause, you guys. There’s an hour left in the show.

After the naked dog photo shoot (That’s naked photos and dog photos, not naked dogs. Well, technically, the dogs were naked too.) everyone goes to the roof of a building to drink. That’s what you do when you’re on ‘The Bachelor’. You drink on a roof!

Cassandra pulls Juan Pablo aside to tell him about her son. They’re all alone, except for Clare’s dad who is also watching their conversation. Cassandra spills the beans and Juan Pablo is super excited. He’s such a good guy! Juan Pablo loves kids. He wants an additional boy and an additional girl so, if he chooses Cassandra as his 6-month wife, he won’t even have to wait for the additional son. That son is pre-packaged!

Juan Pablo takes another girl on the roof to make out. I can’t really keep up. They try talking. Instead, they make out because Juan Pablo doesn’t really talk. He’s a super nice guy and a good dad though, you guys.

A girl named Victoria had too much wine. She’s slurring and it’s fun. I’m having fun. Victoria says, “If Juan Pablo happens to be mine, I’m going to straddle him every day. That’s what life is about, straddling people… and things.” That was my yearbook quote. Victoria is level 5 drunk. She’s setting ‘Bachelor’ records for sloppy goodness.

Juan Pablo pulls Nikki aside because she’s a cute nurse. I would do that. ABC plays really soft ‘Juan Pablo likes Nikki’ guitar music. This Latin lover is hitting the call button for some Nikki nurse time. Someone please kill me.

Meanwhile, Victoria is still drunk. I love how I keep writing as if anyone is reading this. Victoria says, “Today, I gave him the hymen maneuver. I totally saved his life. I should totally get a rose for that.” I’m not saying a good hymen maneuver couldn’t be life-saving but, I think she’s confused about medical terminology.

Victoria says, “Whose leg to I have to hump around here to get some 1-on-1 time.” That’s my other yearbook quote.

Victoria interrupts Nikki and Juan Pablo’s alone time by walking by in her drunken state. She then does what any respectable drunk girl would do. She’s blows up and starts crying. I’ve been there.

Victoria cries in a bathroom stall while one of Juan Pablo’s other girlfriends console her. There’s a camera guy there to catch the fun. I’m trying to picture what it’s like to apply for a job as a ‘Bachelor’ camera guy. I imagine the first question is, “What’s the best angle to take to get a good shot of a girl crying in a bathroom stall?”

There’s a lot of crying and snot. After a little yelling, Victoria tries to go home. ABC producers don’t let her leave without shoes. They’re super caring, you guys. She runs out anyway… and into another bathroom. There are 40 minutes left in this show. I hate everything.

Lucy tells Juan Pablo to take care of his drunken girlfriend. He goes into the bathroom, even though it’s a girl’s bathroom. There’s crying. Because Juan Pablo doesn’t talk, there’s not a lot of consoling. He just tells her he’ll be outside. I don’t know if Victoria is mother material.

Juan Pablo gives his date rose to Kelly. The other girls coo because they’re so happy for Kelly. They’re very happy for their friend who gets to further pursue her relationship with their boyfriend. Juan Pablo leaves and asks his girlfriends to take care of his drunken girlfriend.

Chantal and Chelsie talk about how honorable Juan Pablo was for how he treated the Victoria situation. They’re very proud of him for checking on the horrifically drunk girl for a millisecond and then abandoning her without saying goodbye or checking to see if she was drowning in a puddle of her own vomit.

Seriously, dozens of ‘Bachelor’ contestants have fallen victim to excessive drinking and there has never been a Bachelor who didn’t suck it up and deal with it. Juan Pablo just left. He’s a good guy, though.

The next day, Victoria is gone. ABC threw her in a different hotel. Mr. Wonderful visits her in this hotel to see if she’s okay 16 hours after she was in any potential danger. Victoria apologizes for drinking all of the alcohol ABC fed her. Juan Pablo accepts her apology but doesn’t feel like she should stay on the show because he needs a mother and child bearer. He says it’s about him and his daughter. So, if you’re keeping score at home, take your clothes off on national TV but don’t drink.

During the commercial break, Juan Pablo talks to a yellow M&M about his girlfriends. There’s a soccer ball. Sports quota filled.

Next, we have a cocktail party. Apparently, we haven’t had enough cocktails yet. There’s a bunch of talking. I’m exhausted. Juan Pablo explains to his girlfriends why he dumped his one girlfriend. He says, “This about my life and you guyzes’ life too.” By using the phrase “you guyzes”, Juan Pablo is now an official South Buffalonian!

Amy, the reporter, interviews Juan Pablo. It’s hilarious. At one point during the funny interview, I laugh so hard that my soul leaves my body. Amy is a little less annoying than a crying baby on an airplane.

Opera singer makes her first significant appearance on tonight’s show. Opera singer apologizes for acting like she didn’t want a rose last week. They talk and there’s talking.

No one has paid attention to Cassandra in the last four seconds so she starts to cry about the son she’s abandoned to be on the show. There’s a bunch of snot. Her earrings are huge. They must weigh 8 pounds each. Renee consoles Cassandra because she wants what is best for the girl who is dating her boyfriend.

Renee tells Cassandra not to leave and to remain in LA to continue dating Renee’s boyfriend.
Juan Pablo moves in to talk to Cassandra about her ‘son-missing’ attitude. There’s really touching piano played. Cassandra cries more. Juan Pablo tells her not to worry and that, as soon as he feels like dumping her, he will. That way, she can go back to her son. He’s such a nice guy, you guys! He’s Juan in a milJuan.

During the commercial break, ABC teases their live production of Sean and Catherine’s wedding. You’d be doing me a favor if you killed me.

After the break, Chris Harrison gets off of his ass and makes an appearance. He lays down the rules of the rose ceremony. The girls nod. There’s nodding.

Juan Pablo dumps a couple of girlfriends. The super energetic Amy girl is sent home. She doesn’t interview herself after getting dumped. I’m disappointed. Chantal is sent home as well. She was the black girl. We’re still waiting for a black girl to make it to the top 7. It’s like rooting for the MAAC in the NCAA tournament. (TWO SPORTS REFERENCES!)

Next week, Juan Pablo asks his girlfriends to use heroin to make sure they’re fit to be the mother of his daughter.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Bachelor Recap - My Dead Mom Made Juan Pablo See Me


Hey, ABC. If you’re going to make us suffer through 2-hour episodes, at least find a guy with a 7-word vocabulary to provide content.

Juan Pablo needs a mother for his daughter Camila as well as an additional daughter and a son. His friends at ABC care very much for Juan Pablo so they scoured the globe for suitable wet mothers. Their search unearthed 25 babes. It’s an incredible coincidence that all of the women they picked are thin and attractive. It’s the Juorst show on television. It’s the Bachelor.

The newest meat bi-product for America to “fall in love with” is Latin sensation Juan Pablo. Chris Harrison calls tonight the exciting season premiere. This premiere followed last night's premiere. I'm premiered-out.

We start off with footage of Juan Pablo getting shirtless pictures taken while he holds a rose, followed by shirtless running, shirtless volleyball and shirtless thinking. Hopefully, Juan Pablo doesn’t need to go into a convenience store. They require shirts.

We continue with stuff from last night’s hour-long worthless preview episode. Then, Juan Pablo Jualks around and waves at people at pets their dog.

He picks his daughter up from the airport. I guess his parents are going to babysit his daughter in an LA safe house or something while Juan Pablo sleeps around. It’s touching.

Juan Pablo says that he wants a mother and two more kids while ABC shows him running without a shirt some more. He keeps talking and running. I might have to mix chemicals under my kitchen sink and create a new alcohol to make it through this season.

juanJuan Pablo pushes his daughter on a swing while cameras capture it all. Former Bachelor Sean Lowe walks up and it’s a huge surprise. Juan Pablo greets his surprise guest who is fully mic’d. Juan Pablo says that he called his friend Sean to have an important chat. ABC had nothing to do with Sean being here. It’s just two guys, fully mic’d up and properly lit, chatting about dating 25 women. Just an impromptu conversation, amazingly captured on tape for our benefit. It’s a wonderful time to be alive.

Sean gives Juan Pablo advice; have a strategy for kissing 25 women and never allow your 24 girlfriends to see you kiss the other girlfriend. Also, when you develop feelings for more than one of your girlfriends, listen to your gut. Sean also explains how his current marriage to Game Show winner Catherine is real because they rubbed their skunk-sprayed dog with tomato juice.

After the gripping man-to-man chat, Juan Pablo’s daughter helps him get dressed. They speak Spanish things. Juan Pablo’s parents tuck little Camila into bed while a camera man stands 3-feet away and films it. An additional camera man stands back a little further to capture the tender moment from a different angle. It’s Jueird.

We’re 20 minutes in and Chris Harrison makes his first appearance. What a slacker. Harrison says that, “Juan Pablo-fever has reached epidemic proportions.” The definition of “epidemic” is “the widespread occurrence of disease”, so I’m not arguing.

Next, we get to meet some of the women.

Chelsie- Science Educator- Says she’s silly. We get to see her play in a sun flower field so, yeah… super silly.

Renee - Paddle boards and roller blades. She’s like a Newport billboard, alive with pleasure. Renee also has an 8-year old boy. How does she find time to paddle board?

Andi – Prosecutor, hopeless romantic. Sometimes, Andi stands on a shore and stares off into the distance thinking about love. She’s a total hopeless romantic, you guys.

Amy – Massage therapist. Makes faces like she’s doing it while she rubs men and does the airplane thing with food while pretending to feed Juan Pablo. Seems normal.

Nikki – Nurse. Walks in a field while thinking. I know this because a camera captured her walking and thinking. Sometimes, she switches things up and walks in front of a fountain.

Lauren – Mineral Coordinator, whatever the hell that is. We met Lauren yesterday. I hated her immediately, which means she’s in a tie for first for my favorite contestant ever. Lauren got dumped by her fiancĂ© about a year ago. She says that it’s something you never get over, which means she’s totally emotionally ready to date a guy dating 24 other women on National TV 12 months after getting dumped.

Valerie – Personal trainer. Tells the camera that she’s pretty.

Lacy – Elderly care person. Comes from a family of 13 with 9 special needs brothers and sisters. Seriously, woah.

Clare – Hairstylist. She’s part Mexican. Her dad died. ABC stealthily captures her sitting on a bench thinking about her dad while looking at pictures of her dad. Clare tells America that her dad recorded a DVD before he died for her future husband to watch. That seems like a wrong thing to do. She’s holding the frickin’ DVD while she looks off into the distance and thinks! WHO WOULD GO ANYWHERE NEAR A WOMAN HOLDING ONTO HER DEAD DAD’S DVD? WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH THIS SHOW? Sorry.

Next up is the barrage of limos. Juan Pablo stands in front of his mansion to greet his 25 girlfriends. Look at all of the words on this page. Holy cow!

Chris Harrison drops a bomb on us telling us that there will actually be 27 girlfriends and not 25. 27 girlfriends is unreasonable. Look, I can see a guy dating 25 girls, but not 27.

Limo arrivals are always tense for me. Many of the girls will do stupid things to be remembered. It always makes me cringe.

One of the contestants gives a little girl she’s never met a bracelet. The nurse contestant has Juan Pablo touch her boon with a stethoscope.

A girl names Danielle pulls off a good veteran tactic. She tells Juan Pablo that he needs to set aside time for her during the drunken cocktail hour. It’s smart. This way, you have an instant ‘in’ to smoothly use later. This is the most I’ve ever referenced strategy during my recaps. It’s also the last time I’ll ever reference strategy as I’m certain you have already skipped to the next paragraph or closed out this window all together. My pin number is 1717.

Another stupid gimmick girl does a dumb gimmick. Lauren S. plays a piano on wheels. We’re forced to watch a full minute of it.

Chelsie tells a terrible chemistry joke and I hope that they use slow motion cameras when something heavy falls on her.

Juan Pablo told ABC that he likes blondes because a lot of these women look exactly the same.

As we go to commercial, we’re led to believe that a pregnant woman is about to emerge from the limo and vie for Juan Pablo’s heart. Due to Aaron Mentkowski’s extended Channel 7 apocalypse report, we miss the hilarious punch line to the prank. The girl wasn’t really pregnant. It’s LOL. I commend Mr. Mentkowski on his excellent sense of timing.

Amy, the crazy massage therapist has either killed or wounded several small animals. Someone gives him a fishing hook. One of the girls brings a dog. How many women are there? I can’t believe there’s still an hour and 10 minutes left! This show should be used to extract information from terrorists. It’s poison.

I’m not gonna lie, I fast-forwarded through three girls. I don’t care if they talked about hockey, I needed a break.

I stopped in time for the opera singer from Germany and Ottawa, somehow. If that woman sings, I’m gonna need drywall repair.

The limos are over and Chris Harrison lays down the rules. There’s a first-impression rose and a last
impression grenade. There’s no grenade but, I’ve lost your attention and needed to get it back somehow.

The women scream when Juan Pablo walks back into the mansion. He gives a speech that no one understands but everyone laughs at. People start drinking. There’s dancing. They’re dancing for Camila, I think. At the same time this is happening, the College Football National Championship is happening on another channel. (Sports quota filled)

People talk and there’s talking. I’m running out of steam. There’s no way you read down this far.

Juan Pablo doesn’t talk much. He kind of just repeats the last thing someone just said to him. It appears as if looks might be all he has. I guess he’s a Juan-trick pony.

Things pick up as the crazy Amy girl rapes Juan Pablo on TV. It's a combination rape/massage. She tells the camera that she’s ready to marry Juan Pablo after just one rape. That’s sudden.

We get standard sad girls who sit on the couch and pout about not being noticed. This leads to other girls talking about the pouty girls behind their back, which lays the groundwork for fights in later episodes. It’s science.

Some girl named Elise says that Juan Pablo looked at her a special way because her dead mother was helping her from beyond the grave through Juan Pablo’s eyes. Her dead mother somehow entered into Juan Pablo’s brain and made him notice her. This really happened.

I guess dead mothers are very supportive of their daughters in their quest to advance through levels of Reality TV dating shows. I know I have always held a grudge against my mother for being alive and never helping me gain Reality TV show success.

Our first breakdown occurs when one of the women can’t stop crying because she hasn’t had alone time to talk to Juan Pablo yet. She finally gets to talk to him and she freezes up. It’s awkJuard.

Juan Pablo talks to the opera singer. He gives her the first impression rose, even though she doesn’t seem to want it. My early theory is that opera singer woman is the producer plant. She’ll be all sorts of terrible this season and the other girls will hate her for being here for the wrong reasons. It’s science.

Next we have the rose ceremony. Juan Pablo dumps some of his 27 girlfriends. He still has a bunch left, I think. Who cares?

Among the notables to be sent home are that one woman who cried and the one who had the thing. Crazy woodchuck eater Amy goes home. Crazy Amy tells the camera that she believes that Juan Pablo was going to be her husband.

When that’s over, they preview the upcoming season. There’s love and stuff.

It all happens so fast… and by ‘fast’ I mean ‘excruciatingly slow’. I’ve hated every season of the Bachelor. You know how a mother loves all of her children equally? Well, I’m that way with Bachelor seasons. I hate them all on a level that outsiders couldn’t possibly understand. I have a feeling deep in my heart that I’ll hate this season the most. It’s intuJuition.

Thanks for reading this. If you get a chance, please hurl a brick of plastic explosives at my satellite dish so I have an excuse to stop watching television.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Bachelor Recap - Juan Full Hour of Nothing!

Hey, America! Do you like nothing? Then, settle in for an hour-long special of nothing. It’s nothing. I watched nothing tonight.

It’s Countdown to Juan Pablo! He’s the next Bachelor. ABC has been calling it Juanuary, instead of January. It’s a Juanderful pun.

 Because ABC was nice enough to air a ‘Get to know Juan Pablo’ episode of ‘The Bachelor’, we get behind the scenes coverage of the soulless selection of contestants, footage of Juan Pablo’s daughter playing and more stuff. It’s a Juander I made it through the entire hour. I was going to call it an “Juor” but I didn’t think you’d make the connection that I was making the word “Juor” into “hour”. How are you guys liking the ‘Juan’ replacement word game?

 I could stop, but then you’d go through withdraJual. You’d need medicatJuan. It’d be Juawful. My computer doesn’t think ‘medicatJuan’ is a word.

I didn’t need a ‘Get to know Juan Pablo’ episode because I went on ABC’s website and read this:

 “With his Spanish accent, good looks, salsa moves and undying devotion for his daughter, Juan Pablo, 32, was a fan favorite. Sadly, Desiree Hartsock couldn't see a future with Juan Pablo and sent him home from Barcelona. Although he was blindsided by not getting a rose, the experience of being on The Bachelorette opened his eyes to the possibility of finding a real, everlasting love. He can't give up on love and on giving his daughter, Camila, what she wants more than anything else in the world - a brother and a sister to complete their family. Juan Pablo is ready and hopeful that he'll find love and the missing puzzle piece to fulfill his family here on The Bachelor.”

In case you were smart enough to not read that paragraph, it basically says that one of the 25 women on this season of the Bachelor need to provide Juan with an additional girl and boy for his family. It sounds like medieval land trading-type stuff. I wonder if, at the end of the season, ABC makes the winner sign a form, promising that she’ll bare a boy and girl for Juan Pablo. Did you guys read down this far?

On to the recap.

First, we get sneak peaks of the videos sent in by some of the Bachelor contestant hopefuls. They are as pathetic as you would imagine tapes of Reality TV show hopefuls would be. One of the girls talks about her eggs. Some let their grandmothers talk. I’ll bet the guy who has to screen these videos drinks.

One of the women sits in a hot tub drinking a gallon of wine. I would have picked her.

Next, we see Chris Harrison’s training camp. He interviews girls that have the best agents and who made it to a certain point. Harrison asks tough questions like, “What do you want?” The girls answer. It’s gripping.

The show finally hits 3rd gear when they reveal some of the contestants. Chris Harrison and his producers jump in SUVs to tell the girls in person. The girls are unaJaure.

The first girl they introduce is Lucinda. She takes the news well. Lucinda jumps up and gets impregnated by Chris Harrison. It’s a full-on straddle jump. Lucinda also goes by the name ‘Lucy’. Her job title is ‘Free spirit’. I hear there’s good money in that.

The next contestant has dogs. It’s Elise. She’s super surprised by Chris Harrison’s visit. She’s so surprised that she’s wearing a make-up, diamond earrings and a $4,000 dress. She had no idea they were coming.

Christy says that she can’t believe it’s real to be chosen for the Bachelor. I’m not certain if she is shocked or on LSD. Christy is a bit of a ditz. Christy says that she never would have thought she’s be in this position, which is amazing for someone who applied to be on the Bachelor and went through a series of interviews and callbacks to be on the Bachelor and then received a phone call from producers telling her to be ready to be on camera to be introduced as a Bachelor contestant.

Christy says about Juan Pablo, “I hope his inside is as good as his outside.” Christy should write for Hallmark.

Lauren is next. She’ll last 4 seconds. I’ve had rashes less annoying. Lauren lives in a mansion because they don’t select poor people to be contestants on the Bachelor.

Allison says that she’s “beyond excited” to be on the Bachelor. What’s beyond excited? Is it really excited? Scared? I think it’s scared. Allison is scared. She’s probably even beyond scared but it just needs to sink in. Maybe she’s just a little Juaorried.

One of the contestants stands on the beach and shouts, “I’m coming for you Juan Pablo!” Then, she runs into the ocean. I don’t think she knows where Juan Pablo is. They should have told her.

There are more girls and they talk. Some girl practices Spanish because Juan Pablo is from Peru or something. Chris Harrison says that “all of America” is excited to meet Juan Pablo. My Dad is American. I think Harrison has made some unfair assumptions about my Dad.

Next, we meet Juan Pablo. He talks about love so you know he’s serious. Juan Pablo sits on a bench and waves at boats. He takes his shirt off an does soccer exercises. I’m really getting to know him.

In broken English, he says he’s excited. Then, we show him lift tires and flex his arms because he wants to find a mother for his daughter. Please remember, the most important thing that could possible happen this season is for Juan Pablo to find a proper mother for his daughter and the only possible way to do that is to grab 25 women with good agents who are interested in furthering their TV careers and date them all at once. It’s like a Disney movie.

Juan Pablo retired from professional soccer to take care of his daughter when she was born.  He shows us how much he loves her by picking her up in an SUV outfitted with cameras and drives her to a park.

When they get to the park, camera guys follow Camila around. We get to see her run and climb. It’s important.

Juan Pablo loves Camila. He says, “I love her, I don’t even know how much. Tons. There’s just no word for that.” Actually, Juan Pablo, the word for ‘tons’ is ‘tons’.

There’s 10 minutes of driving footage. The camera guy in the passenger seat keeps a camera trained on Camila and waits for her to talk or do something. It’s not the least bit creepy.

Next, we all drive to see Juan Pablo’s family. We’re there together, thanks to cameras. We should all get a bunch of cameras.

Luckily, the family is cooking Venezuelan food. I thought he was from Peru. Juan Pablo’s cousins talk about all of the women he has slept with. It’s a lot, what with the abs and all. People talk and there’s talking. It’s exJuasting. I’m running out of ‘Juan’ puns.

Juan Pablo’s cousin chimes in via television to tell everyone she’s pregnant. She talked to the family through a television projector. It’s like the future. Juan Pablo’s family is futuristic.

Juan Pablo’s dad gives him tips for dating 25 women at once. It really happens. He tells his son exactly how to date 25 women at once. They mention Camila and ABC breaks out the soft piano music, because it’s super toughing how Juan Pablo exploits his daughter on TV. Juan Pablo cries. I cry. Everyone cries.

To keep the tears flowing, ABC gives us a tribute to Gia. She’s a model from the Jake Pavelka season. Gia committed suicide this past year. There’s slow motion footage of Gia walking. Then, Gia talks about love and friendship. Gia was sweet and beautiful. I thought she seemed nice.

Why does the woman on the Trellis Marketing commercial not look at the camera when she talks? Is that on purpose? (Buffalo only)

Next we preview the upcoming Juan Pablo season. Former Bachelor Sean gives Juan Pablo advice. Women act like idiots. People drink and have fun. Girls fight, because it’s the Bachelor. Every season we get a preview of an ambulance showing up at the mansion for a fake reason. There is no ambulance tease this season. What the hell? How can you have a Bachelor season without an ambulance? WHAT’S THE POINT? AND, WHERE ARE THE HELICOPTERS??!!!!!

When Juan Pablo talks, ABC shows us with his shirt off, running around and stretching. It really drives the points home.

We get some choice quotes from some of the girls coming up this season:

“It couldn’t feel any more amazing.”
“Just being here is more than I expected in my whole life.”
"I saw something in him that I knew that I could see for the rest of my life."
"This is like the coolest thing ever."
"This is freaking awesome."
“I just feel, like, a ton of different emotions right now.”
“No one has ever dealt with this before.”
“Juan Pablo, I hope you die.”

Those are all real quotes.

Guys, at one point this season Juan Pablo gets up and doesn’t want to be interviewed any more. He says, “I don’t want to answer these questions.” It’s serious, you guys. Guys, I really think that Juan Pablo feels pain a lot deeper than the rest of us. You don’t even know.

So, that’s it. We’ll never get that hour of our life back. It’s gJuone forever. Be sure to return here tomorrow for the recap of the real first episode. Unless, you have eyes. If you have eyes, you should probably use them for something useful.