Extreme Walking

This is an article I wrote when I was 8 years old. I figured I'd post it here.

EXTREME WALKING

I was making a list of all the cool things about Extreme Walking and I came to the conclusion that Walking is awesome. A couple of my friends don't like going for Extreme walks. That's fine. They're still my friends, but they have giant holes in their throat where I have stabbed them with a rolled up copy of 'Extreme Walker's Monthly'.

When deciding whether or not to go for more Extreme walks, ask yourself this question, "Do I breathe?" If the answer is "yes", get the F off this page go for a walk. It's extreme.

The best thing about Extreme walking is how crazy it is. You totally go at your own pace. You can stroll by at 3 miles an hour and just watch losers gawk at how casual you can be or you can crank shit up and walk every fucker you see into the ground with extreme prejudice.

People are always asking me, "Greg, what's the difference between Extreme walking and normal walking?" I answer them by ripping out their souls with a little Extreme walk step I like to call 'The Soul Ripper'. And then they go to the Cops to complain but what the fuck are the cops gonna do? "I just stole your soul, fucker!"

Let's get one thing straight…Extreme walking is not for everyone. Some people are lucky enough to have the chops. Some people are useless wastes of working organs that should go find a tree to sit under and wait to die. I was born to Extreme walk. I walked out of my mother….and I haven't looked back since.

Do you know that walking is the number one cause of death in America? More people are killed on walks than by Tiger, Shark and Bear attacks combined. That's because they're all useless crybaby animals who can't even walk on their hind legs. Have you ever seen a Bear try to walk? It's pathetic. That's why whenever I see a bear I punch it in the face.

So go for an Extreme walk if you dare. Or do something slightly less dangerous like licking land mines. Fuck the government for not funding more bike paths.