Open Letter To Nutty Bars

Hello Nutty Bars, I couldn’t help but notice how you showed up in the vending machine at work today. It’s really nice to see you again. It has been a long time.

Now, if I remember correctly Nutty Bars, you’re absolutely delicious. A lot of snacks have chocolate and peanut butter, but I feel like your Ace in the hole is the wafers. The wafers are awesome. It’s like, "Hey other snacks! Go fuck yourself! I’m made of light, wafery goodness."

I also love this, Nutty Bars. I’m all done eating your chocolate and peanut butter wafers of heaven and I’m like, "That ruled! I couldn’t possibly ask for more out of life....HOLY SHIT I STILL HAVE ANOTHER NUTTY BAR LEFT!!!!!"
It’s twice as much fun eating a Nutty Bars. You’re like a sequel that doesn’t suck. You’re like ’Short Circuit 2’.

Here’s the problem. My wife would be mad at me if I ate you, Nutty Bars. You contain about 24 grams of fat per bar. My cholesetrol is really high right now so this bitch has me running in the morning and eating things that end in "rocoli". She’s a prick, Nutty Bars. You would hate her.

I hadn’t even considered eating you again until you showed up in that vending machine this morning. It’s like the guy who stocks the machine is a pimp, and you’re just a dime out for a trick. Well, I love tricks, Nutty Bars. I know this great trick where I rip your wrapper off and try to eat you before your chocolate melts on my fingers.

You’re a fucking whore, Nutty Bars! You’re a delicious, wafery, double ended, 75 cent whore and I love you. I want to press 12 of you into a jar and jam my fist into it until you’re just this massive wad of paradise. I’m gonna cheat on my wife with you nutty bars. I almost want her to find out. I want her to walk into the room and find me with my head jammed into a jar full of 12 mushed up Nutty Bars. I want her to see what you do to me. I want her to know what I really need.

You’re the best Nutty Bars. Now, I just need change for a 5.