Restaurant Review: The Eat Box

Note: This review appears in the April edition of the 'Bi-Annual Food Reviewer'

Food- **
Decor- ***
Service- ****

When hunger calls, 'The Eat Box' answers, albeit on the 12th ring.

My wife and I were struck when first entering the Eat Box. A dish washer emerged from the kitchen and proceeded to dry off his hands on her chest. We would quickly learn that the address in the phone book was listed incorrectly and we had actually entered a man's apartment. We are in the process of finding out whether the wrong address is the fault of the phone book or the restaurant, so there could be one less star under 'Service' for this review.

The actual Eat Box restaurant was quite nice. Accessible only by ladder, patrons can really build up a hunger using their arms to climb 7 stories onto the crow's nest of a refurbished 18th century barn.

You are immediately welcomed by the owner's children who drape handmade paper necklaces around your neck. These necklaces, are loaned, but can be purchased for 11 dollars, so be careful not to rip them. The entry way is dimly lit, but the children are happy to point their cell phones at your feet to guide you on your way.

The seating area consists of 27 overturned giant cable spools with no chairs. The tops of these spools are lit on fire and the room smells of fear. Women are not allowed in the Eat Box, so tell them your wife is a gay guy.

Because the table is on fire, the food is served raw on skewers. There are 3 main specialty entries; Drumstick and Potato, Drumstick and Red Potato, and Drumstick and Rice. The rice is served on 47 individual miniature skewers. Vegetarians will be happy to know that there is a Vegetarian restaurant just 4 blocks east of the Eat Box.

When your food is cooked and you are ready to eat, the owner's children will come to your table to haggle the cost of dinner. If you accept their initial offer, you will offend them and be asked to leave. Low-balling the children is considered rude however, insulting them is not. If you are successful in making one of them cry, the meal is free. (Helpful hint, the girl is very sensitive about the misspelled tattoo on her throat.)

Dessert is a delicious Oreo cake.