The worst season of the worst television show is over. Dallas pilot Jake Pavelka fulfilled his ABC contract by falling in love with two women and then asking the one his family hated to marry him. The worst kept secret in reality TV history is out. Jake chose Vienna, the dude.
The season finale of the Bachelor was 3 hours long, and yet there really isn't much to recap. Most of that time is spent hearing the same crap we've heard all season. It's just long, drawn out footage of 3 people, pensively sitting in front of a mountain while we hear a voice-over of them rambling on about how much they love a soulless idiot they met 2 weeks ago.
About 30 minutes of that time was spent watching Tenley, the runner up, talk non-stop as Jake's family fell in love with her. It was like watching the President. She had prepared speeches. Also, even though it breaks her heart to talk about it, Tenley managed to mention 400 times that she was once married.
The next 30 minutes were very dramatic. Jake introduced Vienna to his family and they hated her. They hated her personality, they hated her choice of words and they hated her dude face, I'm assuming. Towards the end of the encounter, the producers managed to convince Jake's family to tell the cameras that Vienna isn't that bad, she's just "being real".
The Bachelor is made much more enjoyable when the ending of the show is revealed and rumors of Vienna dumping Jake for her ex-boyfriend swirl across Tabloid magazines. Then you have my wife yelling "Liar!" at the TV for 3 hours. Every time Vienna mentioned how she couldn't wait to spend the rest of her life with Jake you'd hear, "Is the rest of your life 12 minutes? You didn't even make it to the finale!"
ABC did a great job of getting some Jake 'ab' shots in before it was all said and done. Jake and Vienna playfully spread Sulfur mud all over each other and made out under a waterfall. I kept waiting for the Predator to show up. These intimate moments in paradise are so uncomfortable to watch. All I can picture is the guy with the boom mic leaning over them to pick up the audio. I would love it if, just once, 'boom mic' guy fell from his ladder into the shot. Would they keep pretending to be in love with each other, or would they pause for a second to check his pulse?
Both girls were flown in on helicopters, one at a time, for the rose ceremony/ fake proposal. Tenley was dumped first. I imagine, to keep her hair intact, she had to sit in the helicopter for, at least, 10 minutes so the propeller could stop spinning. Jake started crying while dumping her. It was pretty dramatic. Tenley thanked Jake several times for dumping her.
Vienna, the dude, was flown in after that. She's unattractive and, like all contestants on this show, a horrible human being. Those must be the attributes Jake is looking for because he asked her to marry him. He first acted like he wasn't choosing her as a prank, but then let Vienna off the hook. Those pilots are hilarious. I screamed laughter for six hours. It was hard to sleep. My throat is sore.
ABC is in charge of punishing me for my sins, so they have a one-hour 'After the final rose' special that begins immediately after the finale. They brought out Tenley so she could mention, one more time, how she had been married before. They brought out Jake because Tenley had not yet cried enough. They brought out Vienna so we could see her Adam's apple.
Vienna addressed the tabloid rumors that she has a secret boyfriend. Vienna said, "I have a secret boyfriend. He's so secret, I don't even know who he is." The audience fell completely silent to her attempt at humor. She should leave the jokes to Jake. He's hilarious.
My wife was declared Jake the worst Bachelor of the series.
ABC also announced that Ali would be the next Bachelorette. Ali is attractive and whiney. She is an awful human being who will make life miserable for one lucky man in the spring. Recapping this show is like describing, in detail, how Veterinarians euthanize dogs. I hope to have you all back for the next season.
Good news America, if you're not yet completely sick of Jake and his abs, you can watch him on Dancing with the Stars. He joins Chad Ochocinco, Pamela Anderson and astronaut Buzz Aldrin. Read back that last sentence. I'm so glad that I do not watch that show.
There's an American Idol Fantasy draft happening Tuesday night. Fans of reality TV can check in here for recaps of the awfulness.
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