Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Stretching 3 Minutes of Content into a 2-Hour Show

I only need one word (crap) to recap Monday night's 'Women Tell All' episode of the Bachelor but, in true Bachelor fashion, I'm going to stretch things out to a 37-page recap. Let us first clarify what "The Women Tell All" actually means. It means, "The Women All Talk At Once and Say Nothing". It's an awful way to spend 2 hours, especially when you should only be spending about 10 minutes. The nice thing about "The Women Tell All" is that there is very little of Jake talking. They just unplug the Jake Robot and leave it in the corner for most of the show.

Monday night was strange. The producers had to work pretty hard to fill the full two hours, and I'm not even talking about sleeping with contestants. First, we watched some rare video footage from the show that has only been seen a few thousand times. (If I have to watch Jake and Vienna bungee-jumping from that bridge one more time, I'm inventing a time machine to go back and cut that rope.)

Then we saw the most useless bunch of people 'giving back' to the community. Past Bachelor and Bachelorette flunkies, who can't seem to go on with their lives and have someone how made a career of being annoying and promiscuous on television, were filmed doing community service. That amounts to fake women in tank tops and heels coldly handing small bags of groceries to whatever disheveled citizens the producers could manage to jam onto a bus and into Los Angeles. My favorite moment was an empty-headed snowboarder handing a grocery bag to a women and saying, "Here you go, bragh". Then the former contestants went back to a bar and were filmed having sex with each other. "Good Clean Fun", says this reporter.

"The Women Tell All" had reached the 48-minute mark and not one "Women" had begun to "Tell All". I felt like the guy from "the Pit and the Pendulum", only there were no rats around to chew my eyes out and save me.

(Spoiler Alert- If you don't want to know the winner this season, skip this paragraph)
ABC finally brought out a selection of contestants to give them one more chance at being on television. The girls were coached very well to say nice things about this year's eventual winner, Vienna. It was almost like there was a guy with a cattle prod, standing off camera, waiting to zap any girl who said something negative about Vienna. If my wife, who doesn't go on-line or read tabloid magazines, knows the secret about who wins this season of the Bachelor, it's not a very good secret.

(Spoiler Alert- If you don't want to know about every remaining season of the Bachelor for the rest of time, skip this sentence.)
The Bachelor sucks.

We all know how dramatic the Bachelor is, so it was no surprise that they upped the ante on drama for the "Women Tell All". Rozlyn came back to talk about sleeping with a producer and getting kicked off of the show. Rozlyn denied everything. She seemed to be lying. The rest of the contestants told stories about seeing her around the mansion, making out with this producer. They all seemed to be lying. The host of the show, Chris Harrison, repeatedly attacked Rozlyn's character. He seemed to be lying. The whole thing seemed very forced and staged. It was perfect 'Bachelor' material.

I guess readers of tabloid rags have been treated to some juicy rumors regarding the incident. I have nothing to say about this. I don't have anything left. I hate this show. I hate this recap. I am stopping, in the middle of this recap, to tell you people that I have nothing left. I hate myself. I hate that I have to pay attention to the most horrible sounds and images ever burned onto film just to recap it. It's like getting a job at an open landfill, describing all of the individual pieces of trash.

ABC is begging me to not watch the Bachelor anymore. How else can you explain what these monsters have done with the finale? They've decided to sprinkle in Live coverage of the unveiling of this year's cast of 'Dancing with the Stars'. I watch a lot of crap, but I refuse to watch a single second of that show. Refuse. "Refuse" is the British word for garbage.