Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Sleeping With Three Women and Dumping One of Them

This is the worst show in the history of television.

'Passions', 'Dharma and Greg' and 'Mama's Family' all seem entertaining next to the Bachelor. You could unhinge my jaw and jam a live wolverine down my throat and I would enjoy it more than the two hours spent in front of the television every Monday night.

You wouldn't think that a television network could make something horrible even more horrible, but ABC managed that feat with this Jake guy. He is about as likeable as a heat rash. Everytime he talks my eyes starting rolling into the back of my head and I have to fight off death. I hate him.

This Monday was a big day for Jake because he knew that, if one of the girls refused to sleep with him, he could send them home and they wouldn't be on television any more. Gia, Vienna and Tenley spent the weekend with Jake on the island of St. Lucia. There's nothing like a televised courtship on a gorgeous tropical island where television producers light candles and throw rose pedals on every inch of open space. It's the perfect way to get to know the real someone.

First Jake spent the day with Gia and then slept with her. Gia is attractive. She's really the only redeeming value of the show at this point.

Secondly, Tenley, with a voice that could wake the dead, praddled on about her divorce a little more in case America didn't hear her the first 6 episodes of the season. Then Jake slept with her.

FInally, Vienna and Jake dry humped on a pirate ship before jumping into the ocean to rub abs. Then Jake slept with her. Vienna is a dude. I'm just gonna lay that out there. She's a dude. I might be alone on this one, but I don't find her the least bit attractive. I've heard the term, "beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Sometimes, the eye beholds a dude. Also, she was planted by the producers to annoy people and make the show more interesting. (Who's with me?)

After Jake slept with the final three contestants, it was pretty much standard Bachelor fare, a commercial break, a rose ceremo......OMG ALI CALLED AND SHE WANTS JAKE BACK BECAUSE SHE MADE A BIG MISTAKE LEAVING LAST WEEK AND SHE CAN'T LIVE WITH HERSELF AND WHAT IS JAKE GONNA DO AND THIS IS THE MOST DRAMATIC THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF DRAMATIC THINGS OMGLOLSCREAM!!!!!!!!!11111!ELEVENTY111111!!!

Yeah, this is the part of the show that made me want to lie down on the 90. Ali is rethinking her decision to leave the show. Apparently, when you "leave" a reality TV show to go back to your job, you bring a camera crew with you so they can capture heart-warming shots of you waking up in the morning with make-up on and staring lovingly at two giant promotional posters of Jake sitting on the night stand. Then this camera crew, that you apparently left behind, just happens to be filming as you sit pensively by the Golden Gate bridge in perfect lighting and lament your lost love, old what's-his-name.

In a magical moment, Jake is in the bedroom with a camera crew, packing a suitcase with his shirt off, as the phone rings. He has this, "Who could that be? I wasn't expecting a phone call!" look on his face. Jake leaves the room as we switch to a different camera, perfectly white-balanced, focused and situated by the phone on the night stand. We are then forced to sit through a grueling 'dramatic' phone call of Ali whining and Jake painfully trying to act.

The only true emotion that the Bachelor brings out in me is the pity I feel for any person who takes it the least bit serious. I've played games at the fair that were more sincere.

Anyway, Jake couldn't get Ali on a plane in time to sleep with her before the rose ceremony so she didn't go to St. Lucia.

Then Jake dumps the only girl who doesn't make me want to fist-fight a puma. We're down to Tenley and Vienna, who is a dude.

I'm not writing a recap for the 'Women Tell All' episode. I can't do it. I hate it. I would heat up oil and pour it into my eyes so I don't have watch 'the Women Tell All', but I would still be able to hear it, and that's just as depressing. Is there a longer two hours of television? Is there no end to the amount of rhetorical questions I'll ask? Allright, I'll recap 'the Women Tell All', but just because I'm up to 6 readers.

My favorite thing about writing this column are the 'spoilers' that appear in the comments section. Whether it be from word of mouth or internet leaks, people have been revealing the ending of this season of the Bachelor and tagging this information as a 'spoiler alert'. If you leave turkey on the counter, it spoils. If you reveal the ending of complete pile of garbage that is horribly produced and painfully drawn out, it's just more garbage. There are no winners on this show. Some people just have to stick around and annoy America a little longer.