Bachelor Recap- On the Wings of Dramatic Rose Ceremonies

When will women who want to be on a Reality Dating show learn? Never tell the Bachelor that you're saving yourself for marriage.

The only reasons a guy would subject himself to the process of leaving his life on hold for 6 months to listen to a dozen women complain about each other is so he can eventually have sex with a few of them in the fantasy suite. I've watched one hundred seasons of this show (it feels like one hundred) and there is always one girl who confesses that she's a virgin (like it's something you'd need to confess?) and they never make it to the end. Usually, the Bachelor never kicks a girl off the same week that she reveals her purity, but Jakey had some major groping to get in with there being just a few girls left.



So, we're now down to 4 women since Corrie told "fly boy" that she's not giving up the cookies.



Let's handi-cap the odds for the girls remaining.



Vienna- 3%
Considering that Vienna was planted by the producers of the Bachelor to pester and harrass the other girls and drum up ratings, I think she has a zero% chance of winning. Keep in mind that there is a 3% margin of error. Vienna is also ugly and kind of looks like a dude.
















Tenley- 12%
I'm giving Tenley 12% because she's the most annoying girl in the history of the show. I hate her voice. I hate her smile. I hate that America probably think she's sincere, when no contestant on this show could ever be sincere.

















Gia- 80%
Gia is a drop-dead gorgeous swimsuit model. What do you want here, talk about her personality? You're not getting it. I have no doubt that she's on the Bachelor to further her career and get some exposure. That usually makes me angry, but I'm just glad she's around. She's not annoying. She looks really good and gives me something to look forward to every week. Without Gia, I would spend the 2 hours looking for sharp objects to jam between my fingers to stay awake. Yes, I made her picture bigger on purpose.





Ali- 5%
Ali is spending all of her time trying to trash a woman planted by the producers to ruin the show. If you only get 3 minutes alone with a man to try and impress him enough to ask for your hand in marriage, try not talking about someone else the entire time. It's probably a turn-off. Ali is attractive, but I could see her getting angry and hitting kids. I don't know why I have this mental image of Ali leaning into the back of a Minivan to smack one of her children with a newspaper, but I can't shake it. She seems a little intense for me. Good thing I don't have abs. I don't have these kind of problems.


















There you have it. Holy cow, next week is going to be so dramatic. It was revealed, in a promo at the end of Monday's show, that there will be no rose ceremony next week!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to put more exclamation points there, but I had to stop because I was crying so heavily.

Does ABC actually think that I'll be surprised that there's no Rose Ceremony next week? Of course there isn't. Mr. Pilot kicked a bunch of extra women off of the show a week early, so they need to fill to get to sweeps week. It's television science, not drama. I can't wait to see Jake get 'fake' upset over the idea of kicking more skanks to the curb and cancel the rose ceremony. It's going to be ultra-dramatic. It'll be Dramatically Dramatical.