Salt As a Present

My wife got me a Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp for my birthday. Salt Rocks release negative ions into the air when they come into contact with moisture. I was shooing the negative ions out the window until my wife explained to me that they're a good thing.

You see, negative ions attach themselves to pollen, mold, and fart particles and destroy them without prejudice.

If you still don't understand, I'll explain it in laymans' terms.

Picture Tom Berenger in "The Substitute". Now, Tom Berenger is the 'negative ion' and the students running an illegal drug operation through Tom Berenger's High School are the 'air particles that cause colds and famine'.

Tom Berenger is not going to just sit there and let dirty air particles mess up his school. He's an ex-marine. Plus, there are a couple of good air particles who are there to learn.

So Tom Berenger smashes some of the bad air particles in the throat with chairs. He throws one of them out of the library window. He beats the crap out of Wolfson while two guys making Jai-Alai rackets just sit there and watch. Then he finds out Wilson from Ghostbusters, one of the good air particles who was the principal, is actually running the whole drug operation.

What would you do if you were Tom Berenger?

You'd kill Wilson from Ghostbusters to purify the air.

I love my new Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp. I've already added 3 inches to my vertical jump with all of the negative ions killing dander and making the air easier to jump through. I plan on bringing a 300-foot orange extension cord down to the basketball courts so I can plug in my Himalayan Salt Rock Lamp and dunk on some Herb's mold-infested head.

I find myself driving through neighborhoods and watching other people open their birthday presents. I hope they enjoy their 'Beatles Rock Band' as the Dust Mites infiltrate their ear canals and shorten their lifespan. I'll be home curled up in bed with my Salt Lamp, cackling laughter. Living forever.

And, Yes. Mold-infested is hyphenated so don't bother opening a new window to look it up.